The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

jemi

July 17, 2013 at 9:18 am

but he said he won’t come back?
Zaphrille

July 16, 2013 at 2:07 pm

I need your advise. I’m with my boyfriend/ex boyfriend (Im not sure with our status) for 6 years & 6 months. 3rd week of June, we had a heated argument thru text messaging that result to me breaking up with him. After that, I couldn’t sleep all night. I felt that somehow I’m responsible so on the following day I went to his house and woke him up by saying sorry and hugged him. The following week (4th week of June)
while he was driving me home, he suddenly changed. Became silent. When I asked what was his problem, he says nothing and just looked me in the eye. I kept on asking him what’s the problem he just said that he’s still bothered by the arguments that we had. So I got upset then went out of the car. He chased me but I managed to ran because I rode on a public vehicle just to get home. A day after he called and texted me but I never reply on any of his messages. Weekends, he suddenly came by in my house and so I went with him. We were in the car, in his house but we were not talking. This Monday he didn’t even call/ text me the whole day. He is not like this before. So I send a message to him that,”if he needed some space fine I give it to you but the reason why we are fighting because you can’t even say your problem. He didn’t even send a reply. So it’s been 2 days that we are not communicating.

admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:46 am

Honestly, to me it sounds like he didn’t do anything wrong. He admitted that he was bothered by the arguments you two had and you didn’t like it and this whole crazy situation was created now.

I would say let some time go by before you reach out to him again. Wait till both of you are less emotionally hurt before you try to have a conversation.
Zaphrille

July 18, 2013 at 8:12 am

4 days past and I still don’t see him. He is not like this before. If we have a problem he usually came by to my house to talk things over and settle our misunderstandings. I don’t know what’s happening to him.I don’t want to reach him because he should be the one who will make the first move. And also what I stated earlier on our first fight I’m the one who approached him to end the heated arguments that happened. I’m quite sadden by this whole thing.
admin

July 19, 2013 at 1:54 am

Hang in there, do something to get your mind off the situation for a while.
Zaphrille

July 30, 2013 at 6:30 am

I went up for him last June 26- Friday after his work. I tried to talk things over and fix our relationship. He said that he needed “one year SPACE”. What does it mean? I hate it because he keeps me hanging.If he wants to break up, he should already said that straight to my face. What if he never comes back. I don’t know what to do. This my 2nd day of NC rule.
admin

July 30, 2013 at 6:04 pm

Hahaha you need to complete the NC thats what you need to do!
Zaphrille

July 20, 2013 at 1:25 pm

Do I need to apply the NC rule?
admin

July 21, 2013 at 10:18 pm

Yes

patricia

July 15, 2013 at 9:46 am

i broke up with my guy 5months ago! cut all communications and moved to a new apartment where he cannot find me! i also changed my phone number! i cut all possible communication! we had an off and on relationship where we got back together after a week or some days! he has become more tough on me!we had sex and he did not call after, he just faded away! so i called and told him i could not do it anymore. he said “okay” (maybe thinking that i will come back after a week)
how long do i keep this up?? i a year too much?? and could he be missing me!??? we have no mutual friends!

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:33 pm

Whoa, you went on a 5 month no contact period? Maybe you should reach out now.

jenna

July 13, 2013 at 2:24 am

This guy and I dated very briefly (2 mo) and I broke up w/ him because we had a lot of things going against us at the time and I moved to another state. He was very insistent on staying in touch and I didn’t think there was much harm. We haven’t seen each other since but we’ve texted about every month of so, mostly him initiating and they were never sexual (actually almost formal). I’ve decided over these years that I would like to give us another shot, but he’s in a new relationship and seems happy. With that bit, I know I have to just lay low and be cool and let their relationship take its course. But he’s still in contact with me also.

Am I too late to implement no contact to get my ex back if we had been broken up for 2 yrs, but have always remained in contact (text) over these years? Would it discourage him to keep in touch if I ignore his texts (something I don’t hope for!)?

Thanks in advance!

admin

July 13, 2013 at 2:46 am

I wrote a page on a similar situation here: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-guide-to-getting-him-back-after-a-year-or-more-apart/
jenna

July 13, 2013 at 3:37 am

Thanks for the response, this situation has been confusing me for a while!

So I read the “getting your ex after a year or more” and also “getting your ex back if he’s has a gf”, since both of those apply to my situation. The steps to take for each seem to be a bit contradictory, unless I missed something, since one strongly advocates no contact while the other doesn’t. Which would you suggest I do in this case?
Also, does this situation seem like my ex was interested still, or does he truly just wants to be friends? I haven’t been able to gauge much since all we did was text.
admin

July 15, 2013 at 5:40 am

Well, you have a situation that is sort of a hybrid so those particular articles have deviations that aren’t for you since you broke up over a year ago and you keep in contact with that ex.

I would say that if your in constant contact you can try out the no contact rule. Since he has a girlfriend you are going to have to sit on the sidelines a while and just focus on what you can control… your own life and figuring out how to make it even better.
jenna

July 15, 2013 at 11:11 pm

Thanks, one time I accidentally ignored his texts because I was in another country and he texted me 3 times in a row in a span of 1 week, so no-contact seems powerful. I’m on day 4 of NC, so we’ll see how it goes…hopefully by the end of it I won’t even care so much anymore!

Do you think it will seem weird though, if I all of the sudden drop off the face of earth after 2 yrs of more or less consistent contact?
admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:47 pm

It’s supposed to seem weird. You clearly want him back and doing what you have been doing hasn’t been working so I say you change things up.

Julia

July 12, 2013 at 3:33 pm

Hello. I need help and I hope you will answer me. 🙁 I’ve browsed like tons of sites of male psycology. And I want to share my painful problem which hurts me. There’s a guy who I like a lot, it’s been for 6 years, we’ve been friends and everything was great, till he said I annoy him, and why did I? because the more I fell for him the more stupid I acted. He got rid of me 🙁 And told me a lot of painful rude words at the break up and left. I cried a lot and..just went crazy, he feels pathetic for me, he says he doesn’t want to even be friends anymore and he wants no contact.. I gave him some space for like 15 days, he wrote me first and we fought, because one of our mutual friends said sth about me, so he blamed me and left. But then I couldn’t stand it and wrote him in a few days of practically “killing” myself. I wrote him once a month. I wanted explanation. He was rude with me, he told me that our mutual friends told him that I spread rumors about him and lie. But I didn’t! He doesn’t believe 🙁 And it’s been like 3 months since we’re off contact. At least he ignores me. I hear about him from some mutual friends, they say I suffocate him and he knows that I feel hurt and desperate, he didn’t want to hurt me but this is the only way, he feels harassed.
Please say sth. I really sincerelly wish to have him as a friend at least. But he wishes no contact. How can I get him back?

admin

July 12, 2013 at 7:32 pm

If he feels suffocated by you then trust me that is a very bad thing. You may have done some serious damage and the only way to fix it is to STOP everything you are doing right now and NOT contact him. Respect his wishes to be left alone. The crazier you get to him the worse your chances are.
Julia

July 12, 2013 at 8:28 pm

Thanks for reply!
Seems like my no-contact period would take more than 30 days?
Another problem is our mutual friends, well, 1 of them, there is this one girl whom he trusts a lot and she hates me, she’ll do everything to prevent him talking to me. she threatened me to stay away from him.
Although, he told another friends of ours that he doesn’t hate me, he’s not mad, not angry, just wants no contact. I still don’t understand what have I done wrong, he never explained. When we broke up, he was very agressive, saying the words he’s never said before. So I am pretty sure this girl has to do a lot. Plus she doesn’t talk to me as well. Ugh. We’ve all been friends for 6 years!
admin

July 13, 2013 at 2:19 am

Well, you owe it to yourself to do some soul searching to find out the real reason you broke up. You may never be able to figure it out but sometimes you need to look at the most insignificant details to find the truth.
Julia

July 13, 2013 at 7:45 pm

Sounds. confusing. Well, I guess I’m gonna give him 30 days off, (cause I was writing every 2 weeks, lol stupid..) he’s also such a tough person, like you know, today he’s awesome and ah amazing! Tomorrow you wanna slap him, he’s so moody and aggresive. But when he’s in a good mood, he’s awesome! I really hope it will work out.
admin

July 15, 2013 at 5:34 am

Sounds like every guy to me!

Ellen

July 12, 2013 at 1:00 pm

So I started dating a guy I have known for 15 years or so. We always had a crush on each other but we always were dating others. Recently we bumped into each other and started dating. It was fun and easy and really just awesome! About 5 weeks in, his ex contacts him and wants to get back together. They broke up almost a year ago and she is 10 yrs younger than us. I told him to take space and figure it put and apparently he is trying to work it out with her. From what I understand this had happened before. I am 12 days into no contact and haven’t heard from him at all since he told me he wants to work it out with her…. Of course in the same convo he told me he misses me. Do I really have a chance of getting him back!? It appears this young girl has some sort of hold over him….. Thanks for your help! I’m struggling with this….

admin

July 12, 2013 at 7:27 pm

I think the better question you should be asking is “why does this young girl have so much of a hold over him?” and “what can you do to have the hold over him that she has?”

Destiny

July 11, 2013 at 10:46 pm

I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago,we were together for 10months,i broke up with him after finding ex girlfriend dress in his bedroom and several pictures on his phone of him and his ex hanging out allthroughout our relationship,she knows about me and wants him back as well,its been 4 days of no contact with him,however he still continues to contact me,i really do love him and wish i could have him back,he was really nice guy who treated me really good,ive decided to go no contact with him and have ignored all his txt messages,im feeling so depress right now and feel that i cant even go on,should tell him stop contacting me and tell him how i feel or should i just continue to ignore

admin

July 12, 2013 at 2:31 am

Continue to ignore and you should be ecstatic that he is contacting you. Most women, don’t get a guy who does that this early!

saramat

July 10, 2013 at 10:29 am

plz help me..im with my bf for three mon`th..last week i msged him trough viber with a difrent number and picture on my profile(fake photo)just to see how he react…later he ask who iam..n i said sorry i msged u by mistake ..then he goes its ok,,,,later he asked about my name and conversation kept long he asked what im doing and wr do i live and more n more…i was so surprised how he msg a stranger girl like this friendly…then he asked to meet me and i said ok…..at night i met my bf he told me a girl msged him on his phone by mistake n wants to see him tomorow….he said that he is scared it is a trick from his wife to see how is he going as he just seprated and he has a child with his wife…i was almost going to tell him that its me but i didnt…..and after meeting him i went home….but i kept txting him with wrong number and he was so friendly and answering nicly …but when i was msging him dou he was online he wasnt answring my msgs…next day when he went to meet the fake girl he
noticeed it was me msging him..then i gut upset y so easy he make time to meet any one msg him but not me…he gut pissed off with me paying with him like that…but later called me to talk and we met ..he said that he was qurious to know who is the girl or whether if she is some one from his wife playing with him or not..i belived him but also i gut upset …he was so upset and told me to go and he will meet me at night but i gut upset and left the car without saying bye…..after three days he msged me and said he is gona return my stuff soon as i had some clothes and money left with him….he suposse to return them much earlieer …i dont know if he says that to break up or just say something to keep in touch..i answered him next day..ok thanks…r u ok?he never reply back and i never msged more or not..now is been a week no contact from him or me to hi…im really upset and down…i love him so much and im very regret of what i did…plz help me..i just want him back with out showing my selfe weak..plz help me..plz

admin

July 11, 2013 at 1:17 am

Keep going on No Contact, you are approaching this the right way. Everyone on this site is behind you!

Hayley

July 9, 2013 at 7:29 pm

I was with my boyfriend for a year and we broke up about a week ago. It was a perfect relationship. The weekend before we broke up, we spent a nice weekend together and have some laughs, hugs, kisses and watched a nice film in bed. On the Monday we had an argument about seeing each other the argument got bigger until he said its over. This hurt me dramatically as I love him so much and I do want him back but I have no idea how to. First of all I was begging him to take me back and obviously he kept saying no and I kept texting him a lot. The last text I sent him was I love you and I won’t text you unless he wants to. We broke up because I was having a stressful time at college and had stuff going on at home and he said I took things out on him when I didn’t mean to. I’ve started the no contact rule but this is making anxious as I want it to work but I am not sure if it will, I don’t want to wait too long as I feel it will not work. We had a great relationship and rarely we argued but obviously things got out of hand that night. Do you know how I can get him to text me again?

admin

July 10, 2013 at 2:34 am

Yes I do, he will text you again I am pretty sure but the key is getting him to text you the right way.

Give him some space via the NC Rule and then text him with something so interesting that he has to respond. An example will be like:

“I have a confession to make…”

He will be so enthralled that he will text you again which is what you want right?

Link

July 6, 2013 at 11:15 pm

Hey!

So I have landed myself in NC land, but in a very weird, round-about way. I’m curious to hear if you think it will turn out well for me, because it keeps sitting in the back of my mind even as I try to focus on other things.

Long story short, after my boyfriend broke up with me (in a horrifically out-of-the-blue way that he later admitted was due to a freak out on his part), I had a giant breakdown and ended up in the hospital. When I got out, I didn’t speak to him until I felt comfortable enough, and after a bit of stilted conversation at first, we ended up spending time together as friends. We both discussed that we had problems to work out on our own and that we should take baby steps forward. Which was fine with me, though he started blowing hot and cold and building up to a point where his flirting included questions asking what he had to do in order to become serious with me again. All this time I had wanted to reconcile, so I happily played into all of this, thinking that he wanted to put things back on the rails. But the next week he got incredibly quiet, and I demanded he tell me why, and his reason turned out to me that he met someone he was thinking of maybe pursuing, though he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to, maybe they’d be friends and a hundred other things.

Anyway, after a little thinking, I decided to tell him a few days later that if he was serious about that, we shouldn’t spend time together for a bit because his inability to figure out what he wanted was getting in the way of my ability to take care of my own emotional needs. He told me not to put a time limit on it, that he’d take his space and I’d take mine, and to contact him when I felt comfortable. I was very hurt that he’d practically closed the deal on bringing us back together and then turned on a dime like that and I’d hoped that putting my foot down would help slap him in the face that he’d been out of line. Something like this worked with him once before when he was doing this hot/cold thing to an extreme, though not quite as extreme as this.

I did reach out to him two weeks later to say I appreciated the space, it helped, and that when he had time, I was around. But I haven’t heard from him, and it’s probably to be expected. I don’t plan to text him anymore, though I do really hope he is thinking about things. I have a bad feeling is is on a downward spiral of depression, as his behavior has been erratic towards his friends as well as me, and the girl he’s apparently interested in is reputed to be a player. He even deactivated his Facebook account out of nowhere. I can’t figure out what to expect when he inevitably falls on his face, or if I should even hope that he’d look back to the people who care about him when he does. I’m ridiculously worried about him, and my instinct is to run in and help, but I know right now I can’t.

admin

July 6, 2013 at 11:39 pm

Is your name really Link? If it is that is without a doubt the coolest name ever!

You know, I once deactivated my MySpace profile (back when MySpace was really popular.) I did it because the girl I was dating at the time had posted all these pictures with other guys and I got uncomfortable looking at them. So, rather than start a fight about it I just decided to remove the temptation and delete the profile. Do you think your ex could be experiencing that with this new girl since she is a player?

Definitely stay in no contact and make sure you make it through the entire period without any slip ups. I think your ex needs a little nostalgia before he can start thinking about the two of you getting back together.
Link

July 7, 2013 at 12:01 am

Haha, no, it’s not my real name… it’s been my online handle since the dawn of… Hyrule, I guess… but more people call me Link than my real name at this point, so that’s that, haha.

To be honest, I am not sure if he knows that much about this girl. I found out because… well… we all work for a large company in the same city, and the company is pretty incestuous, so we all know and hang out with the same people even if we work in different locations… anyway, a friend who works with him mentioned that she knew this girl’s reputation, but because she [the girl] had been involved with someone in leadership and because my friend is leadership as well, it would be messy for her to start talking about it, even to warn him. Or so she said to me. I have a feeling he has an idea it’s going to be a mess since he was already telling ME he wasn’t sure he even wanted to pursue it and was just feeling it out.

Though I do see your point that it might have to do with her, and maybe it is, but I’m not sure. His last post before he deactivated it was something along the lines of ‘I’m really proud of myself for making all these good decisions for myself lately :)’ Which I thought was weird in and of itself because he NEVER posts personal stuff on Facebook and always goes on about how stupid it is. I know he’d recently kicked cheap beer and weed, so I figured it was something in that vein. But again, his behavior around even his/our friends has been weird enough for them to mention it.

Anyway, I hope the nostalgia comes to him, and I always get so nervous he’ll just Kanye shrug it off and not care since I asked for the space. I know there is a lot of stuff in his apartment at least that will remind him of me, or even stuff at work since we work for the same company and share a lot of the same friends (who still spend time with me). Or the Beatles! Our friendship had been going at a pretty good clip before he pulled this move on me, with both of us equally inviting each other out, texting each other, stuff like that. I had really felt like we were making progress during that time and communicating better than before, especially on his end since he’s a pretty terrible communicator. I guess I’m just so lost about where he’s even at if he’s practically asking to be with me one second, then messing it up with thinking of maybe pursuing a girl. On the other hand, I wonder if *I* messed up by even pressing him to tell me what was bothering him when I could sense it was more than work. /sigh
admin

July 7, 2013 at 6:02 am

Ahh… Zelda those were the good ole days! I remember being in my room for hours with the nintendo 64 going through the water temple. I always hated the shadow temple. Those creepy hands that come down from the ceiling freaked me out hahaha.

I can understand where you are coming from. I say just give it some time and try again. Sorry for the short response but I am getting pulled in all kind of directions :/
Link

July 7, 2013 at 12:51 pm

Or that I am too late with the NC and all.
admin

July 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm

It’s never too late.
Link

July 7, 2013 at 12:47 pm

No worries. But okay. I just worry that all hope is lost because I had the brass balls to tell him he was being unfair to me.
admin

July 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm

Well, I understand what you are feeling but a relationship isn’t really a relationship if one person doesn’t like what someone says. You have a right to voice your concerns.

Katie

July 6, 2013 at 4:30 am

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years (lived together for 2 years). He broke up with me 9 weeks ago. Right after the break-up I found out he had been emailing intimately with his ex (his first love who lives in a different state) for 3 months. Subsequently, he broke it off with her and said he realized it was just a means to an end to our relationship. he told me he had been unhappy for awhile. We fought often and he became convinced we are too different. He felt a lot of stress by my neediness and controlling ways. I feel like I can see more clearly after the break-up and I did have a lot of issues that pushed him away over time. I feel in my heart, though, that he is the one for me just as I did from day one. Anyways, I have behaved horribly over the past 2 months, crying, begging, asking a million questions over and over again, calling, texting and even showing up at my old apt, which he still lives in. He has been mean to me, then sometimes he feels bad and talks to me. Overall, he has been very patient but is starting to resent me for not respecting his wishes to go no contact. He thinks it is best so he can have some time to think and I can focus on myself and heal. He said it is slightly possible that we could have a chance in the future but that he’s not going back to me as I am now. he says I do not love myself and I am too dependent and needy. I know I need to work on these things as they have affected other relationships in my life. I am terrified to go no contact because I don’t want to lose him. I know he has been hanging out with a girl from his work recently. I also know, at this point I have no other choice. My question is, do you think I waited too long, pushed too hard and ruined all chances? Tomorrow will begin the 30 days no contact (and we have already been broken up two months). I would appreciate your thoughts on my odds. Thank you!

admin

July 6, 2013 at 4:55 am

Hi Katie!

Yup, trust me I am a guy and any time a girl is overly needy or “dependent” I get turned off. I mean, even if Megan Fox or some other beautiful movie star was needy and dependent I would get turned off. I am not saying this to scare you I am saying this to congratulate you on figuring out your problem!

No contact was designed especially for women in your situation. The ones that were a little too emotional after the breakup (no offense.) I would spend a lot of time working on why you feel that you are so needy and dependent. I say being independent for a while is the best thing that can happen for someone like you!

I want you to also accept the fact that you may not get your ex back. I mean, no one can guarantee that. Even if you do everything right you might not get him back. That applies for everyone. The sooner you accept this the better off you will be at getting him back. It’s kind of like having a mindset of “I really want him back” but if he doesn’t accept me then oh well, I know I will be ok!

As for your odds- it is impossible to say but I think the no contact will really really benefit you and you might be surprised at how effective it is.
Katie

July 6, 2013 at 4:23 pm

Thank you for your reply. I have an incredibly hard time every time I try to go no contact. I have friends and family that I hang out with often, but I loved this man with all my heart and soul. We were together 5 years and I thought we were going to get married and start a family soon. He is 30, I’m 27. We live close together so I see him driving and it drives me crazy speculating where he is going and who he is spending his time with now. Letting goof him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and he knows this. Do you have any advice on making the process easier on myself?
admin

July 6, 2013 at 11:28 pm

Sure, there are plenty of things that you can do to make this process easier on yourself.

Hanging out with friends (go on a girls night out.)
Exercising always helps me when I have my mind on things.
Watching movies on Netflix.
Reading a good book.
Focusing a little more on work.
Going on hikes.
Shopping!
Playing video games.
Going on dates with other guys (yes, I think this is a healthy thing to do.)
Taking a class of something outside of your comfort zone.

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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”