The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Julia

September 9, 2018 at 7:31 pm

Hello Chris, I ve done a stupid mistake and failed the no contact rules.
I ve started it on the 17th of August and just 10days later he started to tag me on Facebook when he saw something what reminded him of me. Mentioning something like “I know you would love that” and tagging me on nice dinner picture. After three days I thought I am going to answer with a little text and straight away he tagged me again on another pic but I waited again before commenting it. And I did after two days.
Anyway how shall I continue? It s been now another week without any contact. Shall I start again the 30 days?

Chris Seiter

September 9, 2018 at 9:59 pm

Hi Julia!

No….i think you keep pressing ahead with NC. You left him some little breadcrumbs. He knows where to go to get some more.

Eboni

September 9, 2018 at 3:34 am

I’m so FURIOUS! I freaking messed up! He called and texted me saying he wants his headphones back. And stupid me answered him! I have to start all over now! First of all, we exchanged headphones awhile ago. My aunt made him return mine to me. And back then he was gonna take his back because of it. But he let me keep them! Now I’m here posting pictures of me living my life happy and everything and all of a sudden he wants the headphones. And strange thing is he’s given me several of his things and he told me he’s only insistent on the headphones. He can’t even give me a good reason for why he wants them back! We were on the phone and he couldn’t look at my face for nothing! He doesn’t want to meet me at my house to get them either. And now I idiotically called him and now he can’t answer. But he’ll text me. What the actual heck!?

Chris Seiter

September 9, 2018 at 5:05 am

He is probably looking for some attention and testing your reaction.

Eboni

September 7, 2018 at 4:05 am

Can you help me? I’ve been doing so much to improve my life and my attitude. I signed up for swim classes, I go for walks daily, I dance and sing my frustrations, I’m working on changing up my wardrobe, and I’m preparing to take driving lessons. Things are starting to look great. It’s been helping me give myself a positive outlook on life since the breakup. And it serves well as a distraction. However…..it’s only been two days since we’ve broken up! Why are the days so long?! How do you make the days go faster?? I want the 30 days to hurry up and pass already so we can talk again!! 🙁

Also, the daily activities I partake in only helps me during the daytime. At night all I do is think about him and stay on this website trying to think of ways to get him back. What do I do???

Also again, since the breakup I have been struggling to get 8 straight hours of sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. How can I cease this?

Chris Seiter

September 7, 2018 at 4:12 am

The first few days after a breakup is rough. Write your feelings down in a journal. Writing can be therapeutic. Write about how you are going to have a wonderful night of sleep each and every day because you deserve it. Write about how you will sleep thru the night and dream about something really special and soothing.

Natalie

August 31, 2018 at 12:28 am

Hi Chris!
My bf broke up with me after 2,5 years out of the blue saying something broke in him and he needed to sort out his thoughts. This was 2 weeks ago and I have not contacted him, but he keeps send me texts like “i hope you are sort of ok” “are you studying for your exams? I hope you are” (he broke up with me right before my exams) “fingers crossed for tomorrow” and “congratulations, you made it” i havent responded.. should I? I just dont know what to say. I dont want to be friends with him, I want him back. Im just not sure responding to this will make that happen.

Chris Seiter

August 31, 2018 at 2:59 am

So he seems to be testing the waters. I would finish up NC, then reach out and explore just as I advise in my materials.

ana

August 26, 2018 at 4:45 am

hi chris,
my ex and i have been together for 2 years, no cheating or abuse. it was a majority positive relationship until towards the end of the break up where he said he was tired of us fighting over meaningless fights and him wanting to be alone/”find himself” as he felt like he got too dependent on me since we were together all the time. he broke up with me on july 30 and i said happy birthday to him the day after (now knowing it’s a big mistake) i reached out to him a week later for a package i had that arrived at his house and that was when we had “closure”. (i also pleaded during the closure trying to get him back, also recognizing now that, that was a mistake). i was unaware of the NCR until i started going no contact and came across your website for help. i’ve been in no contact since august 7 but i’m unsure if he will even consider coming back after some time of NC since we both had “closure”.

Chris Seiter

August 27, 2018 at 4:02 am

Hi Ana….make sure you understand how all the elements of my program works. There are things you can do during NC to achieve many objectives and then there is a communication strategy you will want to embark on after NC. Go pick up one of my eBooks, if you have not already as they serve as a blueprint so to speak.

Chris

August 23, 2018 at 5:12 am

My broke up happened about a month ago.
The reason that he gave me was “this doesn’t feel right, our personality and character doesn’t match.”

We’re both 30yo.

We know each other in may 2017, and it’s been nearly a year since we dated. Things started slow and it moves forward gradually.
Things was peaceful and calm. Something that I’m looking for.

I wasn’t in a good place last year when I know him. I was picking up myself from my previous relationship. And I lost my job too in oct 2017.
I slowly opened up to him and fell in love with his gentleness.

But I made a mistake by giving ultimatums towards the end of the relationship. I was wanting to know him better. I wanted him to express himself and speak up. But he was just one simple guy and wasn’t thinking much.
I was always thinking about negative things. I wasn’t aware of this.. it’s only after we broke up.. when I look back and read a few self help books.. then I realized I wasn’t a happy person myself. I was caught in my own thoughts. When I broke up w my previous boyfriend, I had anxiety attack and sinked into depression every now and then.

Only now that I realized that those are just my thoughts. And thoughts can never kill me. But I’ve never understood that until recently, after the separation.

I’m not sure if this is a blessing in disguise.. because I finally look hard at myself and notice what has been pulling me back from feeling happy.

Now that I know.. I’m the thinker of my thoughts.. but it’s all too late for the relationship. But I know it’s not too late to pick myself up and set myself towards the correct direction of a happier self.

I tried to asked him out on the 3rd week. He wasn’t ignoring me but just told me he would let me know again. And asked what is it for, when I said “just dinner” the message stops there.

When we broke up we had a talk. He felt that was the last thing he could have done for me, a closure.
I guess my tantrums got him. And he told me he couldn’t keep all of these together anymore.
He too agreed that we did not communicated well with each other.

I’m not sure what can be helping me here.. but I do know I’m taking this relationship as it’s over.

I told him that I wish there’s another chance for us.
And I know if he’s avoiding me to meet up it’s also his way of not wanting to give me false hope.

What do you think is the best I can do here?

Chris Seiter

August 23, 2018 at 10:59 pm

Hi Chris!

I think you should roll into No Contact. You both will benefit. Its the foundation of my program I think it will help you in many ways. I encourage to take a look at picking up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” so you have a solid ex recovery plan at your finger tips. Just go to my site’s home page and you will find that resource and many others.

Cleo

August 21, 2018 at 4:40 am

Thank you for the prompt response, Chris!
I texted him and as per your suggestion and he responded positively. I will get your book as i think there’s so much i need to learn. Since he is with another girl right now, how do i go about making him see what he is missing? How do i go about making him chose me? i hate it that i am asking about how to go and get a man from another woman, even though he was mine first. I dont want to be the cause of another persons heartache. I have told him about needing space as mentioned above and i am going to continue with NC, do i start from scatch or continue where i left off? Also he keeps thinking and saying he is sorry for hurting me so much, in reality he didnt hurt me at all. I am the one that broke things off because he seems to care of what the world thinks (our age difference which as mentioned you cant tell unless told) as opposed to what makes him happy. Not sure if it’s a guy thing or not and if so should i just stroke his ego by letting him think he hurt me so that he can stop bringing it up? In the period that we were together, we have never argued not even once.
Many thanks

Chris Seiter

August 21, 2018 at 5:15 am

Your welcome Cleo!

Glad you got a positive response. That is a step in the right direction. And yes, my 485 page eBook would be a wise investment. My Guide will walk you through in detail the strategy you can employ to better your chances. Probably best to continue your NC from where you left off…you can always add more days to it depending on how you feel and other developments. Its a fluid process…not written in stone.

Trisha

August 21, 2018 at 12:10 am

Hi Chris,
I recently just signed up to EBR. My ex boyfriend broke up with me over the phone on the 26 July 2018, almost a month ago. We were together for about four and a half months and it was my first relationship. When we first got together he told me he had never been in a relationship longer than six months. I didn’t think much of it but I think he may have some commitment issues. He broke up with me one night when I tried to tell him how I felt that he was constantly putting me second in his life. I was fine with it at the start but as the time went on I felt kind of neglected. We are from the same small town but he recently moved to the city and got a new job and has a new place and everything. I sometimes think he broke up with me because all this was too much for him to handle all at the same time. I sent him a message the day after he broke up with me saying I think his decision was too rash. He claimed he couldn’t commit to a relationship right now, that I deserve someone who is 100% in the relationship and not someone like him who takes it day by day. I didn’t reply to that message but a few days later I messaged again (on the 2nd of August) and told him I thought he was too rash again and that I think we could have something great together. He replied that he thinks he made the right choice and he’s sorry that he hurt me and “dragged me into an awkward situation” but he has thought about how he enjoyed spending time with me and that he hopes in time we can be friends, but for a while we should be removed from each other’s lives. I replied that I felt very disrespected and basically that I don’t want to talk to him again. But everyday I still think about him and how we could have has something great and I just want him back. After I sent that last message (on the 4th of August) I started NC, but he also hasn’t replied to that message so does that mean that he won’t contact me ever again? We haven’t spoken once since that day and it’s beginning to feel like NC isn’t really doing anything, he’s just moving on. I saw recently that he deleted a selfie of us from his Instagram so i feel like he might be getting over me. I am working on myself in the process. I’m working on my insecurity issues and I’m learning to play the piano and exercising more but I just don’t feel that NC is doing anything. I have decided to go for 30 days but I feel that he probably won’t even contact me during the period or after. Thanks.

Chris Seiter

August 21, 2018 at 5:19 am

Hi Trisha!

Yes…some guys do struggle with committment or they have an insecure attachment style and impulsivity can enter the picture. Just be patient with the NC. Don’t expect you will hear from him during it. My program calls for you to reach out at some point, putting you in control to some degree. I am glad you are work on “you”, that is key. If you have not done so already, go visit my home page as you will discover a wide range of resources and tools that can be of help to you!

Cleo

August 20, 2018 at 1:01 am

Hi Chris,
I broke up with my bf exactly a month ago (July19), he is 8yrs younger than i am(26/34) and lately has been worried about what people think about the age gap( you would never know that i am older than him as people usually think i am 10yrs younger than my actual age). It’s more about people that don’t matter as opposed to his family, his family has no problem with me being older as long as he is happy. We kept talking since we broke up, found out he started seeing someone a few days after we broke up though i think it was/is just a rebound as he keeps on saying that he and her can never be serious. I started the NC a week ago and he has been texting and calling me nonstop, his messages were positive and has been apologizing and well he now thinks i am mad at him as i don’t respond. I have not responded to any of his messages the past week and today he just texted saying he is hurt and very sad that i dont respond to him and that was the last time he is going to contact me. What should i do? i dont want to get in contact and for us not to work out, he texted a few days ago saying he wants us to be close friends and that i am very special to him and he doesnt want to lose me, i am his first real relationship. What do i do? In a way i am kinda giving him a taste of his own medicine as he cut contact for a few days when he started seeing this other girl that he says he doesnt see it going anywhere but since i cut contact with him, he seems to be not enjoying the pill very much. Should i break the NC (it’s been 6days) or should i complete the round? We dated for 6months if that helps in anyway to put things into perspective. Thanks

Chris Seiter

August 20, 2018 at 8:31 pm

Hi Cleo!

Since you have gotten a series of positive messages, consider reaching out to him explaining you are in a self imposed “quiet period” to focus on some healing and self improvement. Just keep it brief. Evaluate how he responds. If it is still positive, then respond in kind. Just ratchet things up very slowly. I discuss all this in my Ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book” in the Chapter that deals with making special exceptions. Consider picking up the book because it teaches you way more than just that!

Vi

August 15, 2018 at 7:36 am

What if during the no contact rule my ex is not texting me at all, so there is no possibility even to ignore him ?!

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2018 at 2:44 pm

That would be within the normal reaction of an ex. But you can employ social media to build interest and reinforce your value.

Marissa

August 12, 2018 at 11:53 pm

Hi, I’m on day 20 of NC and I keep debating between doing 21 days and or 30. I’ve done a lot for myself and hav einpeove don myself. Got a better job and everything but I have no signs from my ex. He hasn’t contacted me since NC has started however, he has been posting a lot on instigram and it’s not like him. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it or not. I own your book and have re read it several times. But I’m still at a loss if I should wait or go with my original plan of 21 days.

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2018 at 3:18 pm

Hi Marissa!

Good job…..its important to focus on you because no matter what happens, it important to remember you are special and deserve the attention you are giving yourself. I think 21 to 30 days is the right range.

Samantha Grove

August 5, 2018 at 2:05 pm

Hi Chris I could really do with your advice. I am trying the no contact rule with my ex it has only been 2 days and my ex has unfriended me on Facebook. When we broke up he said we would be friends and he’d always be there for me so this has hurt like crazy and its taking all my strength not to text him and ask why ? Is there still a chance I continue the no contact?

Chris Seiter

August 5, 2018 at 6:25 pm

I know it hurts Samantha, but the pain will subside over time and there are actionable things you can do during NC to help yourself recover and in other areas as well. Remember, people say and do things that don’t always make sense during this time. Stay engaged in this site and listen to podcasts and watch some of the videos to help you cope. Also get engaged with physical activity to turn some of the emotions around. You should consider joining my Private Facebook Support Group which you can learn more about on my site’s home page!

Cherri Booth

August 5, 2018 at 10:55 am

Hi My name is Cherri, My Husband of 12 Years left me for the same woman nowhe cheated on me with 4 years ago.They are in a relationship now since June 14,2018. We are separated now and he lives about 15 minutes away. The first time this happened I forgave him, he said he regreted doing this to us…we just moved back to Florida in May. We have 2 children together this is really hard! I’ve slipped up 2 times and slept with him,while he was with her! I’m not raised to be like that! We are still Married No Divorce yet! But my parents raised me good hearted loyal,and a Honest Woman..I’ve never cheated on him. We were married since February 2011. He use to text and contact me almost everyday.
Now,he went to a concert with her over the weekend i messed up by send nasty text and now we haven’t spoken or text since yesterday around 12pm…he comes back today! Where do I go from here,? Hr told our 9 year old daughter,on last Sunday that he loves Mom.me. Then told our 15 year old son,he don’t know what he wants,bit he don’t want a relationship…but yesterday was at the concert with her! I love him still,it hurts all the time..but the last text I got from him was I will not have no more contact with you… ever! I’ll see you in Divorce court! What do I do Now?

Chris Seiter

August 5, 2018 at 6:33 pm

Hi Cherri!

I know this is really hard. If you feel you could use some ongoing emotional support, consider joining my Private Facebook Support Group which you can learn more about on my site’s home page. It is probably true you ex husband does not know entirely what he wants. He could be chasing after something that is a mirage. Emotions sound frayed. Best to just focus on your own healing for now.

Jane

July 30, 2018 at 3:33 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago while going through a stressful time that strained our relationship even though I went completely out of my way to be there for him, and he acknowledges that. I used no contact on him for two weeks and then he reached out. Given how insecure he seemed about whether I would want to talk to him, I knew he would not try again, and decided it was best to text back. He came to visit me the week after that, and told me he would like us to start seeing each other again, but we should not rush anything. We slept with each other and he came again the week after that. I told him I felt a little taken advantage of and maybe we should stop this and he seemed to panic and offered to start the relationship again once he has finished moving to a new apartment. After that, we didn’t see each other for a while because he took up a demanding summer job. He texted me roughly every other day, sometimes bringing up memories of good times we had, sometimes telling me how much he wanted me physically. Eventually, he asked whether I still had feelings for him, because he was scared he might miss me only to find out I don’t. I said I did have feelings, but that my willingness to open up to him again depended on his actions more than anything else. He seemed a little bruised by these words but admitted I was right. The he hinted at booking a trip together at the end of summer break. Since then, we had a little bit of tension because I once told him he kept talking but didn’t take action, which made him a little angry. We’ve seen each other at lunch break three times on his request (I started the same summer job last week) and he invited me to his place two days ago when his family was gone, we went grocery shopping, had sex and went into the pool. He admitted to having feelings for me. He’s been oscillating between being warm and taking steps towards me, and expressing doubt, sometimes being a little cold. He always says “IF we get back together…”. I don’t really know how to act, I am afraid I might be making myself too available lately, but I am too afraid to make him feel rejected. What should I do to make him want to really commit to me again?

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2018 at 3:52 pm

Hi Jane…it seems you are trying really hard to make things work. It seems the relationship is hot and cold and he wants things to work on his terms. I think you can pull back somewhat and be a bit more coy. Perhaps some subtle jealousy tactics. Make sure you are building value thru your social media presence. If he doesn’t draw closer to making a committment to be back together, then you need to look at implementing no contact as these off/on cycles usually don’t end well if you allow them to go on and on. Go to my website home page and take a look at some of the wonderful eBooks and other tools I make available!

Aisha

July 27, 2018 at 6:28 am

Hey! My boyfriend and I broke up in February of this year and shortly after the break up, we became FWB. However, his moods kept changing. He would want to do it one moment and not want to another. Despite that, we ended up having sex last month. After the sex, he didn’t seem like he wanted to continue doing this anymore and so, I got fed up and decided to not get into this FWB situation again but I knew that he would want it and contact me eventually, which is exactly what happened. After we had sex, I went underground for a month, deleted all social media, didn’t pick up his calls and focussed on myself. Now, only yesterday, he called again and since 30 days of NC were over, I picked up. He spoke about how much he missed me and how he wants to meet me when he’s in town again but eventually, said he wanted to have sex. When he said that, I replied saying, “Yeah, we’ll talk about that”. That made him kind of restless but I changed the topic of the conversation and then, cut the call (he kept asking me not to cut). Anyway, now could you please tell me, is it a good idea to put my phone away and keep him waiting more or should I keep talking to him but avoid a conversation about sex or should I just tell him that I don’t want to have sex till he commits?

Chris Seiter

July 27, 2018 at 9:40 pm

Hi Aisha!

My view is FWB is not an effective long term solution for a lasting relationship.So its good you move on. I say keep the communication lines open and hold off on the sex until you are comfortable you are getting what you need out of the relationship. At some point he needs to confront himself with what he really wants in life, because if he is not careful, he is going to blow it with you. There are ways you can convey this to him in a non threatening manner. Sex is great, but a FWB usually ends with one or both people being hurt.

elli Po

May 11, 2018 at 6:48 pm

I met my boyfriend 6 months ago, we were supposed to move in in July. He broke up with me last Sunday because I got upset that he keeps on talking to his ex-wife over their dogs. He kicked me out of his apt and took the key back. I reached out to him Monday with no success, I been doing the No contact rule since then, he hasn’t even tried to reach out. Is that normal?

Chris Seiter

May 11, 2018 at 9:25 pm

Hello Elli! Well…that was rather mean of him. Seems like a huge overreaction by him. Has he demonstrated anger problems like this in the past. It seems like he doesn’t value you as much as he should. NC is suppose to help with that.I know it can seem that everything is going down the tubes. But the good news is that you need not try to figure all this out by yourself. I wrote an excellent ebook that has helped scores of people. Simply go to my website’s Menu Section and click on the link for “Products”. There is still hope if you can come up to speed on the best strategies to employ. As I said…you want to rebuild your value in his eyes and there are tactics your can employ while in the no contact period that will help accomplish this.

kokoro

May 9, 2018 at 12:13 pm

Hi, im on my 6th day of NC, the problem is after our break up i only spoke to him 3 times, does 3 times where neutral conversations, we remained as friends, i am going through depression and i lost him because of that, i lost one of the most wonderful guys due to my condition… When we broke up he said he still liked me, but at this moment he was tired of our arguments and the bad ambience and the stress, that was going on between us, but he would still be my friend and give me support but never initiates contact i was always the one to reach out to him, 3x all of them with days apart. I begged that day when we broke up and plead, i wasnt in myself, i said sorry for my behaviour 4 days later, all we talked was small boring talks those 3x, i want to implement the NC but i really need his support, i am going to a mental health doctor to get better too, this isnt easy and its killing me i have reached a point that i dont know if we can be together or if he still likes me, its been 3 weeks after the break up, i am very lost… I like him very much to a point that if he is happier without me i can be happy for him too. I trully need some advice, im quite lost…

Chris Seiter

May 10, 2018 at 1:38 am

Hi Kokoro…I am proud of you. Getting help with managing your feelings and focusing on positive activities is so important and I know you will get through all this. You are so much stronger than your realize. Remember, while this relationship situation may be still unresolved for the longterm, you never need to rely on one person in your life to be happy and fulfilled. There are many paths that lie before us and they can lead to some really wonderful places. I want you to focus on learning about being your own best friend. You may feel lost right now to some degree, but you will be found and it will first you finding just how wonderful and special you are. If your are interested, take a look at my ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook”. It deals with the entire NC process, but half of this epic lengthy book is about your own self recovery and things you can do to advance that! Also consider doing some journaling…writing down your feelings and what you want to do in your life…not just on the relationship front but all aspects of our life!

Marie

May 8, 2018 at 11:39 pm

I am over 50. My boyfriend of over two years broke up with me because he said he wasnt over a woman from before me. He has already contacted me in two days to ask me how I was. I did not answer him in the way I should have. I am devastated at this but am in love with him. I have not started no contact yet. It seems gamey. I still want the door open and him not to be turned off by this.

Chris Seiter

May 9, 2018 at 2:52 am

You are closest to the situation, so you should have a good feel. If you need some additional expertise at some of the tactics you might consider, take a look at my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro (website menu/products section). Lots of resources and services to consider there. Perhaps a limited form of No Contact, while you focus on your own recovery.

Sanya

May 8, 2018 at 2:16 am

I’m on my 10th day of no contact. I’ve deleted him from every social media, but I still catch myself checking his whatsapp last seen. The last time he came online was on my day 2 of NC. He didn’t message me, and he hasn’t come online since. I really miss him, and I see videos of him on other people’s snapchats and he’s partying away and having a blast. We were together for a while, and essentially he broke up because we were in a rough patch and he didn’t want to work through it anymore when I thought we could talk through it and figure it out. Said he didn’t want to be with me or anyone. Is he ever going to come back or even reach out to me?

Chris Seiter

May 8, 2018 at 4:43 am

Hi Sanya..I know its hard,but remember, the most important part of NC is putting yourself first…your healing…your goals….focusing on your needs. If you have not done so already, join my Private Facebook Support Group Community as their is a lot of mutual support there.

Erin

May 7, 2018 at 7:59 pm

What do I do if I’m the one who initiated the break up and he has me blocked on everything? He’s really angry with me and just short with me anytime I try to talk to him.. we’ve tried sitting down and talking about everything but after we talk he just goes back to being mad at me.. I’m really unsure about what I do bc I did make a mistake, I shouldn’t have broke up with him and I realize that now. But he just tells me if I did it once I’ll just do it again and that he doesn’t trust me.. I have never cheated on him the only problems we had had to do with my ex bc I have a child and I have to stay in contact with him and I feel the need to lie about stuff because I’m scared of how he’ll react. But he just says that all I do is lie.. and that he can’t trust me. If I do the NC do you think it would work for me? Even though he has me blocked on everything?

Chris Seiter

May 7, 2018 at 10:12 pm

Hi Erin…I do think at this stage, NC would be beneficial to both of you. These things can take time, but trust can be regained. Try this though….send him a text message before you start NC, making him aware you realize you were wrong to initiate the breakup and that you need some weeks of time alone and space to work on some areas in your life you want to focus on to be a better version of yourself. Tell him that on the other side of this process, you hope he will be open to opening the communication channels. If you have not already done so, also take a look at picking up my comprehensive ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” (available at my website Menu/Products section). It is designed to better optimize your chances of recovery. Let me know how it goes for you Erin!

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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”