The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Sam

October 27, 2013 at 9:22 am

my fiancée broke up with me about 4 weeks ago, we have been together for 4 and a half years and living together for about 3 years. 2 weeks before we broke up she said she wanted to go and stay with her parents for a couple of weeks to “think” about what she wants. the day before we broke up I found out that she was at a party and she was flirting with her personal trainer, i confronted her about it and when i went to see her the next day she said “I don’t think this is going to work, we need to break up”. the reasons that she gave me were we weren’t having fun like we used to, I was always so serious about everything (which i’ll admit is true) and that she wanted to work on herself right now (my personal belief is that i backed her into a corner and she saw no way out). I was heartbroken and sobbed throughout the conversation. later that night she called me to ask how I was doing, I told her I was OK and she said that she feels like she may have made a mistake and might loose me forever, I assured her that I loved her and wanted to be with her. over the next couple of days she was calling me and texting me all the time and we were having really deep conversations and I was being really supportive and offering her advice. she came home to pack her things and move back to her parents house and we sat and talked for 3 hours and at the end when she left we decided that we would take time for ourselves about 4 months and make a date for valentines day, reason being that it would be amazing to meet up again and see how much we have both changed (although she said she wanted to see me in two weeks, which I was more than happy to because I love her and want to be with her) we spoke for the next day or two and the next night she called me and i said to her that I was afraid that she is using me to get over me because I give her the emotional support and advice that she wants and needs, and i feared that once she got on her feet she would no longer need me I told her that i need at least a couple of weeks to try and get over this breakup so that i can be happy again, at the end of the conversation i asked her how she felt, she said “I want to fall in love with myself so that I can fall in love with you again” and from that point on i went into no contact with her, this was 3 weeks ago. the next week I sent her a letter telling her that I understand and accept her decision to breakup with me, I told her all my greatest memories from the relationship, all the things that I miss about what we used to do together, I wished her luck on her final assessments (she is currently finishing her diploma)and told her all the great qualities that I see in her, I ended the letter saying that because we both contributed to the breakup only time will tell if we decide to get back together and told her I loved her. when she got the letter she called me and said that it was a really sweet thing i did and she knew that it wouldn’t have been easy to do, we talked for about 20 min (Just about what we have been up to) and then I ended the conversation. she was coming up to see me this weekend to catch up but she sent me a text (Friday) saying that she is not feeling well but she still want to see me next week. I replied and said that itd ok and i’ll see her when she is feeling better, after this i got angry and deleted her from my facebook because I dont want to find out that she lied and isn’t really sick but just avoiding me. I called her that night I told her that since she has left me I feel miserable and said to her that I need to know what it is that she wants, I said she has had long enough to make her mind up about weather or not she wants to be with me and that if it is not something that she wants then she need to let me know so that I can move on with my life. She said that I was right and that her being uncertain about what she wants is not fair to me. She said that this is not something that she wants right now, so I said ok I understand, I hope you find it is what you are looking for, goodluck and goodbye, then i hung up. I had to go and see her yesterday to return a few things, when i got there she commented on how much weight I had lost and how good i looked im my new clothes. I brushed these comments off as if they didnt really mean anything (Even though deep down I was so happy that she had noticed). she tried to make some small talk by asking what I was doing tonight and I just said im going out with some friends (I didnt tell her who I was going out with because I wanted her to wonder what I was doing and who i was with) after I said I was going out with friends I said ok catch you later and walked away without so much as a hug goodbye. when I walked away I could see that she was still standing there staring at me wondering what the just happened. I got in my car and left. by doing this I have made it clear in her mind that I am moving on and not waiting around for her and im sure it is driving her crazy. my question is how long should i give it before i contact her again, im thinking about a month and a half or two, any suggestions??? Sorry for the long post

admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:44 pm

I say just wait for a whole month. And props to you for taking a stand like that and having the guts to pull the move you did!
Sam

October 27, 2013 at 11:57 pm

Her birthday is on the 16 nov should I text her and say happy birthday, have a great day. Or is that going to defeat the purpose of the no contact rule??
admin

October 29, 2013 at 1:48 am

Kind of defeat the purpose… sorry 🙁
Sam

October 29, 2013 at 1:50 am

Yeah I thought so, guess I’m just worried that if I don’t contact her then I ruin my chances for good 🙁
admin

October 30, 2013 at 3:34 am

I think it is unlikely that you will but I won’t deny there is a possibility. It’s all about weighing the risks.
Sam

October 31, 2013 at 9:42 am

I’m pretty sure she is going on the rebound, I went onto my hotmail and she was still logged in, (i know i shouldnt have looked but i did anyway) she is flirting with 2 guys at the moment on Facebook. What should I do. I really want to be with her but I’m afraid that I might do or say the wrong thing and destroy my chance to be happy with her again. What do I do????
admin

October 31, 2013 at 7:51 pm

Don’t push things. You have history with this girl and the other people don’t. That matters in the grand scheme.
sam

November 2, 2013 at 6:52 am

Shit, I sent her a message yesterday telling her that I dont hate her but for right now i need to heal and move on, she deleted the message without even reading it
sam

November 4, 2013 at 7:50 am

ok not as bad as i thought, she texted me today and said she knew i didnt hate her but she understood if i did, she said she has accepted that thing will never be the same and that it will take a while for thing to be “normal”. she said that she is sick at the moment and wanted me to know that still cares about me and hopes i am ok. i replied 3 hours later and said I hope your ok ( regarding being sick) and said we will talk sometime soon. am i doing the right thing??
admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm

At this piont yes BUT you need to control the conversation. Remember that.
admin

November 2, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Man cold she must be so angry. Just give her some more time before you reach out.
sam

November 1, 2013 at 4:27 am

Would it be a good option to maybe go 2 or 3 months without contact, in case she does “hook up” with someone. For the purpose of letting her compare him to me and realise that the grass isn’t always greener. what advice can you give??
admin

November 1, 2013 at 6:39 pm

Sure, if you think you can survive with the 2-3 months.

Kelly

October 26, 2013 at 8:57 pm

Hi Chris! I was in a long distance relationship (we live In two different countries) and it got to be too much for my (ex) boyfriend so we agreed to breakup about a month ago. Even though he decided that it wasn’t going to work, I offered to still be friends since he’s someone that I still want in my life. There was no cheating or anything like that. He thought he would be able to come visit me but couldn’t get a visa and I wouldn’t be able to visit until a year later. He contacted me the day after the breakup and we’ve been talking everyday since. I believe that in order to move or or get back together with him, I need to establish the 30 day no contact rule. I plan on talking to him to let him know that I need some time in a couple of days but would like some advice on how I should go about doing so. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:07 pm

Hey have you seen the LDR post I made?

Anon

October 26, 2013 at 7:24 pm

And woohoo, he rang last night, after 5 days, invited me out, and wants to try again! Lol, yay. Haven’t given him an answer yet though. Ladies, hang in there, if it’s love, he really will be missing you ♥
dee

October 26, 2013 at 8:40 am

First of all, thank you so much for sharing all of your knowledge. I wish I would have found this website about 3 weeks ago when me and this guy I was dating split up because I see I have done LOTS of things wrong!!
How would the NC rule work if I may be pregnant with his child and need to tell him test results? I haven’t taken a test yet but this whole ordeal (trying to get him back) especially the NC rule (especially since he is currently talking to me on a friendship level after I disappeared on him for almost 2 weeks and I respond) is realllyyyyy hard on me. I know he will be contacting me soon especially for test results. Do I reply? Or do I wait until the 30 days are up? Regardless of if I’m pregnant or not, I still want him back

dee

October 26, 2013 at 8:46 pm

Also, I am pretty sure he will contact me within 30 days of nc about things not pertaining to the child and if I do not respond, that may upset him. Me not responding to his text/phone call is something that kind of played a role in him dumping me. So what should I do? 🙁
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Could you expand on it more for me? What specifically was his anger about you not picking up or responding?
dee

October 28, 2013 at 1:16 am

He told me to call him when I get home from his house so that he knows I’m home safe. I did not call. He texted me the next morning. I did not text back until that evening because I was unsure about us and really thinking about stuff. So he got upset about that and got upset at what I’d said in that text message. Two separate occasions we’d discussed our break up, he said “I told u to call me that night, did u call me? no. I text u the next morning, I went to work, still didn’t hear from u; I didn’t hear from u until that night.” So that’s how it played a role in our breakup 🙁
dee

October 29, 2013 at 8:03 am

I told him straight up that I didn’t respond because I was thinking about us since I was unsure about us. But when I finally did respond to his text, he didnt answer. Now THAT made me go nuts& think that he was leaving me without saying anything, so I was texted him like 6 times, called 3 times all in one day & to him that showed my emotions r not “in check” & thats the main reason y he doesn’t c it working with us. I told him Iwill show him I ‘m not emotionally unstable but he says I can show him as friends.
but anyway, im on day 4 of NC. He text me once telling me good morning & asking how I’m doing. I didn’t respond. We’ll see how this goes. I know he’ll be contacting me again & I’m already dying over here. I miss him so much. In the last part of our relationship, I stayed the night at his house for days playing house wife: cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, doing lots of things around his house while he’s at work, going on dates when he’s off work, cuddling watching movies at home, giving him massages, etc. I reAlly felt like his wife. so now im just BORED at my house 🙁 really wanna talk to him & start dating each other again.
admin

October 29, 2013 at 1:59 am

He sounds very immature. I don’t like that.

Yes, you could have texted him back but still dude… come on.

What was your reasoning for not texting back.

And in spite of all this I still think NC is the way to go.
dee

October 31, 2013 at 10:07 pm

Day 6 of nc and he has already been contacting me practically every other day! In the very beginning he text me telling me good morning how’s everything, he called me twice the other night (back to back) and he text me today just saying Hey. I know he is off work today and tomorrow (I know his schedule) and he doesn’t really do much on his days off. It is so hard for me to not reply especially since I have a sense that he wants to hang out with me but I’m still not going to reply 🙁 …. This is hard 🙁 I feel so bad for ignoring him 🙁 .. I think I will respond back if he starts confessing how much he misses me or wants to take me out on a date or something of that nature. I know if he does that, I know that is him trying to get back with me, which is what I ultimately want.
admin

November 1, 2013 at 6:20 pm

Only respond if you are comfortable doing so. But when you do respond make sure YOU end the conversation first and it can’t last longer than 3 texts (in all).

You respond, he responds, you respond to end convo.
admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:59 pm

You are going to go NC but only contact him about stuff he absolutely needs to kno. Checkup dates, etc, etc.
dee

October 27, 2013 at 12:14 pm

Ok. While I’m on NC what if he tries to BE IN MY PRESENCE like for the pregnancy test or to come with me to the doctor, do I say no?? Ignore him??
Somewhere in between talking about necessities (our baby), I know he will try to talk about other subjects; do I ignore his questions?
Me not answering his texts/phone calls played a role in our breakup so what do I do about the NC?
I just know he will be texting and eventually calling (I’m reluctantly in the friendzone). It’s going to hurt me to see him calling me and I have to just watch the phone ring :'( I’m afraid he’s going to think I’m playing games. Well, actually I am, right? This NC rule is a game, right? 🙁 I’ve never been the type to play games especially at my age (28) but am I SERIOUSLY just IGNORING him for 30 days while he’s trying to contact me??? Won’t most guys say “screw this” & just stop contacting her?? I have so many questions I’m sorry.
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:50 pm

I prefer to look at the NC rule as a time out not a game. Something self imposed to get your mind in the right place.

Some guys will say “screw this” but in the end they will usually respond when she reaches out. Humans tend to be impulsive like that.
dee

October 26, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Ok. And if he tries to make conversation about other things besides the baby, I just ignore him?????? If he wants to meet up to take another pregnancy test in his presence or even come with me to the doctor, do I tell him no????? He will try to make discussion on what will happen with us when he finds out I’m pregnant; do I converse back? Ignore that part too???
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Pretty much ignore him except stuff about the baby that you absolutely need to talk about.

em

October 26, 2013 at 1:41 am

Hey Chris! Day 12 going on 13 of NC, although the breakup happened 33 days ago (i tried writing him a long message on 2 occasions before i found your site).

I think a big issue that comes up during NC is the uncertainty. Which is a very real factor. My fears were personally what drove my relationship to crumble, so I’m trying to work on it through this patience.

But I digress, my for me at least it’s not the hurt of the breakup or guilt for making mistakes (i’m human),i’ve moved on. And for the first time i didn’t channel my emotions like a basket case and i’ve been talking to other guys, laughing and having fun, writing, focusing on school, reading, and improving my appearance. Meditated. Found the reasons for the breakup, how to become a positive person, and see everything for what it is; good and bad. But there’s more good.

I think it’s the trust and fear of rejection, that after NC it won’t be enough. That despite how much you’ve progressed and despite the fact that you know things just got out of hand at one point, it won’t shine through. NC is for us, but also for them.

We have no idea what’s going on through the other person’s mind. Not if they miss us, of course they do, but how they’re seeing the old relationship. What they want now. If they’re healing.

I guess one can say if love was really there, it would shine through.

I’m fighting my urge to talk to him not just because i miss him, but because i want to explain what i think happened with clarity and find out what HE think happened, what he ideally wants, and to have a chance to show i can offer that. For example, he said he wanted independence and to be alone yet is fighting contact with me. I know it was because i might’ve made him feel trapped, and he’s afraid he can’t have freedom whilst loving me.

Should we avoid convincing/making them see the light if we truly believe we learned from out mistakes? Or feel maybe they didn’t reflect the same way we were able to with logic not emotion?

When should we draw the line in the attempts of communication after NC?

I sure hope I have a success story I can share with you.

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:47 pm

I look forward to your success story :).

If you keep asking him and he doesn’t respond then it may be time to give up BUT that isn’t going to happen to you 😉
em

October 26, 2013 at 1:44 am

i think essentially, maybe an article to help us have faith during NC in ourselves and that things will come out for the best. something really optimistic perhaps with a in depth success story where it worked out for somebody, and it didn’t work out but it was still a personal success!

Anon

October 26, 2013 at 1:19 am

Thanks for answering 🙂
:(

October 26, 2013 at 12:24 am

Hi, my bf and i just broke up 1 week ago after 3 years of being tgth. He said cause he needed space and his love for me fades, but i know deep in him he still have feelings for me. I’ve recently just started using NC for 3 days and its seriously kills me already but im still hanging! By doing NC will his feeling fade away more or will he come back? I’m afraid by using NC he will get used to me not being there and start dating other girls :C

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:46 pm

IMpossible to say but I am inclined to tell you that he will miss you more.

Ashley

October 25, 2013 at 10:28 pm

Is there such thing as no contact for too long? I know contacting him right now is not an option. It’s been a month and I think we need at least 6 month to a year because we are separated by distance and all we use to do on the phone was argue and get sad because we missed each other. Contacting him right now would just result in making up and breaking up, if that. I doubt he’d answer this time. So I’m just wondering if after 6 months to a year it would be to late or not….?

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:41 pm

There is.

Knowing how long do go into NC all depends on your grasp of the situation.
Ashley

October 27, 2013 at 5:39 am

🙁
How long would you suggest to keep the no contact for at maximum? Without knowing my situation or anything. Just in general. What’s the longest time you would suggest before it gets way too long? I’m scared he’ll forget me. Perhaps I should contact him sooner than I originally thought.
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:32 pm

I recommend it for 30 days. However, the longest one I would ever recommend would be 90 days.
Ashley

October 27, 2013 at 10:55 pm

Thanks so much for your advice! <3

ANON

October 25, 2013 at 8:33 pm

Hi Chris,

(hope its not too long)
So we broke up officially 3 weeks ago ( i finally got the message after him saying i appreciate you want more but all i can offer right now is advice and ill always be you’re friend etc ) saying he wishes to focus on himself etc. Now i adopted the NC rule for 3 days and in that time he messaged me via FB and called , I finally caved after giving my friend my FB passwords etc and responded to the message. Now i kept very neutral in this conversation. So the next day at uni ( he is in my class) I needed to do work so we were both in the room working , but then he is acting like all happy and stuff and flirting with me play fighting/ touching my arm asking me if i am going to the trip etc we were joking together and when i needed to leave he asked me to stay etc.
so obviously i was really happy this all happened. we were talking that evening but i left the conversation early and he messaged me again the next day . I didnt respond till a few hours later. then i went to message later he seemed to be in a mood. I just said hope you are okay and left it.

then he is all cool with me the next day ( i was late to class sat at the back ) he was three rows in front of me also sat on his own and he turned round to smile at me and stuff a couple of times.we changed rooms and his friend sat a seat away from me so he sat between us and started writing stuff in my diary .

then in the evening i messaged him after his shoot but i was all weird like some of my emotions showed but didn’t if you know what i mean. Anyway today i messaged him asking him if he was coming to a guest lecture. he just said ‘no’ i sent back okay have a nice day. and then i said to him you know you wanted to be friends and i’m trying but one min you’re nice to me and the next you aren’t. ( totally wish i hadn’t said that because he walked into the work room 5 mins later )
and so he was doing his work and i was doing mine we spoke but i felt weird he asked me how long i was staying for i said i didn’t know…then he had a meeting with the tutor and told me he was going to another campus and maybe seeing his male photographer friend later and that this room was closing in a bit. I said thanks and he said well guess ill see you next week. I was upset because as friends when i had been asking him to hang out beforehand he never had time and he keeps saying that his life is so busy atm but then he acts flirty with me the other day. I am so confused and unsure whether to do the No contact or what? I am finding it difficult to focus on my uni work etc since the breakup because he was my best friend too ..

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Let me clear things up for you.

DO NC! hahahaha.

Vivian

October 25, 2013 at 8:10 pm

Does the NC rule include not checking their FB wall? I have been checking his FB wall but have not been in contact with him.

thanks!

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:37 pm

You can check thier facebook if you want as long as you don’t communicate or like anything.

Sheila

October 25, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Hi Chris,

I am in a hard situation right now and I need your help. I made a huge mistake telling my best friend that I like him and that I am developing feelings for him and that was it. He got surprised and rejected me nicely. I felt stupid for making such a move on him because I really really like him and had this feeling that he is into me to..anyways I didn’t say anything until after two days I texted him that I’m very sorry for what happened and that I don’t want to lose him as a friend. He replied that i’m being very emotional and maybe we need to clear each others way for a while and I said that’s fine… I am so hurt, and crushed.. I f**d up for telling the truth and sharing my honest feelings for him..now I have lost a good friend too. He is still on my facebook and we have mutual friends. I don’t do how to react. I read this post of yours and I would like to give a shot but not sure how it works when we’re still friends on facebook.. should I just disappear for a while on fb based on your NC rule and heal or i should keep doing what I’m doing and just ignore him? I’m very confused. Please tell me what to do. (we are both 30 yrs old and have been friends for a while)

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:28 pm

No, you should stay active on Facebook and show your ex indirectly your life is great!

Kel

October 25, 2013 at 6:56 am

Hi Chris. Your site is pretty cool. I like learning how men think because we women just have different ways of doing things. It helps to understand how the mind of a man works in order to help with our relationships.

Anyways, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I sent a text 3 days later and just said goodnight which he replied “night…” Since then I have been doing no contact. I’m on day 19 now of no contact at all. I haven’t heard a word from him either. He broke up with me after I called him by my ex- husbands name during a heated disagreement. I have no clue why I even said it. I positively do not want my ex-husband back (was married to my ex-husband for 15 years and he was verbally abusive. We’ve been divorced for 7 years). I apologized to my ex-boyfriend for saying it but he told me to get my stuff and leave. He sent me a text the next morning breaking up with me saying that it is over for good because I still want my ex husband. We had actually been having arguments a little more frequently before the one we had that night. I know part of the break up was over us arguing so much but the real breaker was calling him that.

Do you think that no contact will even help in this situation? No amount of time will erase what I said. I have been dating my ex-boyfriend for over a year and was living with him for 6 months. I am the first girlfriend he let come around his kids. His mom even told me that I am the first women that he has ever stood up to his ex-wife about telling her that I will be around the kids. She wouldn’t let the kids go to their dads if any woman was around. Just thought I would add the part about the kids so you can gage our relationship a little better.

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Well, its an interesting trade off. I teach you how men work and communicating with you girls teaches me how women work. Hahah!

NC certainly won’t hurt in yoru situation. Definitely worth a shot.

Amy

October 25, 2013 at 12:41 am

I don’t really wnt to throw away 3 1/2 years. whats to stop him from just forgetting all about me during nc?

admin

October 26, 2013 at 4:59 pm

He won’t forget you. If anything it will make him think about you more.

Anon

October 24, 2013 at 6:17 pm

Hi Chris, I have a question to ask, my ex and I broke up 4 days ago. I know that he is NC as with the way I was acting (crying, pleading) many times in the past when he wanted to break up. In the relationship I lost sight of myself and who I was. He is in contact with my parents as he needs to move his tings out of the flat we used to share. Now I really needed closure so I spoke to him on the 2nd day, eessentially reading a “goodbye” letter and letting him know that the most painful thing would be to have him completely out of my life. He sort of agreed and said he wanted to handle it maturely and said that he still wanted to be friends (which is what I also wanted) but that we should have NC for at least 3 weeks. So…to cut it short as my parents didn’t want to speak to him one night he tries calling my cell twice. I didn’t answer as I was mad because it seems like he’s hoping to use my “weakness” to get in touch with them. Now, the question is, did I do the right thing? Or should I have answered? I want to keep NC but don’t want to push him away completely. Thanks.

admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:23 pm

You did the right thing.

Mary

October 24, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Hi,
This is Mary. I and my BF broke-up before 1 year. I didnt contact him for about 2 months. But NC rule is not working for me.. I then e-mailed him many times and i didnt get any reply from him. Even my BF started to find another women. I was in long-distance relationship. My guy blocke my phone no and my mails also.. But nothing works out for me.. For the past 1 year, i have done many things.. It doesnt work out for me with my ex..Any suggestions on how to get him back?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Why can’t you text him?

Elli

October 24, 2013 at 10:54 am

So, I’m only about day 7 into NC and my ex has texted me four times.
I haven’t contacted him at all. However, he texted me today asking if I will talk to him and saying that this will be his last attempt to contact me. What do I do?! Part of me thinks it’s just a ploy to gain control and get what he wants. So do you think he will actually stop trying to contact me? If so, does that effect my chances at the end of no contact? Ugh, I’m confused now.

admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:10 pm

No don’t break just ignor him.
Elli

October 24, 2013 at 6:43 pm

From his few texts, He seems kind of mad or irritated at me for not replying. His last text literally said, “can you talk to me? This is my last attempt to talk to you.” I feel like he’s trying to gain control over my he situation, but he’s very prideful so I feel like if I don’t respond then by the time NC is up he’s going to try to “get back at me” by not replying. So do I send him just a short non-engaging text (if so, what do I even say?!) or do I just wait it out. I’ll admit, it’s getting hard not to want to text him back..

A little background just fyi:
Dated a year and 3 months, ldr for one month (recent), started arguing because his lack of communication/listening, said we need to take some time for ourselves but “he loves me so much”, he never contacted me, I of course, being a communicator texted him a few times towards the end of the week, guess he told a friend the we broke up (idk if that’s why “time apart” means to him but he sure didn’t tell me), texted him about figuring out what he wants to do with the stuff he’s storing at my house, haven’t spoken to him since.
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:25 pm

I still wouldn’t engage.

Chelsea

October 24, 2013 at 2:14 am

Hi, My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about a month ago. He needed some time to figure out his life and he was afraid that I was more invested in the relationship than he was. He said he needed to figure out how to support himself and provide for himself. We lived together for 2 1/2 years. He called me the first couple weeks we broke up asking how I was doing and that he still cared about me but he felt that this was something he needed to do and work on. He said not to wait for him but if he comes back he will come back with a ring. I wanted marriage and he did not at this time until he knew what he is doing.. I am so sad but I agreed mutually that some time apart would be beneficial for us. After months of couple’s therapy and such. I’ve now done the NC thing for about 3 weeks. I cant get him out of my head and I wonder if he even thinks of me. He has not contacted me since I told him I wanted some time with NC. He even told me he cant even think about dating anyone right now and is only focus is himself. I am so heartbroken, hoping he will change his mind and come back and realize he made a huge mistake. How long do I keep up this NC for? Should I wait for him to contact me first? Our anniversary is next week. It’s going to be brutal.

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Do NC for another week and then contact him. Thats my advice.

Anonymous

October 23, 2013 at 5:47 pm

I am currently on day 14 of NC. This is so hard! Aside from a random text he sent me about a week ago (which I did not respond to), I have not heard from my ex at all. It literally feels like an eternity has passed so far. I’m wondering if my ex will forget about me in this time?

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:32 pm

It is very hard isn’t it?

He won’t forget you TRUST ME!

cristinar

October 23, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Crap. He’s insisting on talking about places where we used to go whilst dating, as nothing happened!
Now he suggested we can go to the place where it all began over a year ago 🙁
He himself said more than once that he couldn’t take anyone else there, that was OUR place… is he plain cruel, stupid… or what?
How can he think I could step there, where we have been the happiest together??
I cannot stop crying, I swear.
Despite all my strength and no expectations attitude towards the NC and afterward plan, these messages of his are wrecking me emotionally, leaving me uncertain of he’s hoping to achieve and what to do next.
Am rubbish at this! 🙁

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Hahaha relax take a deep breath relax!
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 6:28 pm

You are so cool man.
I just can’t decide what’s worth to do next: meet him (listen for a while IN CASE he wishes to clear the air between us, then send him FO if he doesn’… cause enough is enough!) OR not go.
I wonder if it’s worthy going. I explained myself clearly, he seeks me… then act as nothing has happen when A LOT has. It doesn’t make sense.
I thought of refusing the gift (this is CATEGORICAL) and give him let’s say 30 mins to open up, then tell him… “look, I came here hoping we could sort our unsorted stuff that is lingering in the air… you said you wish to stick to her… whatever the reason, it’s ok, I can accept that. But.
You know we cannot be friends, I cannot compromise about how I feel. So if you want to be just friends, or are still confused on what you hope to achieve between us… either way please go clear your mind and don’t contact me. It’s not fair on me.”
What you think?
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:23 pm

I think you should meet him. Why not?

cristinar

October 23, 2013 at 4:46 pm

ARRRRRGHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEELP CHRISSSS!!!!

I wasn’t expecting this, am panicky! He INVITED ME OUT!
I did like you said, waited 5 days before starting again contact and out of the blue he came up with the excuse that he had the gift to give me… inviting me out!
I thanked him for it, adding he shouldn’t have bought an expensive items and was nice of him. He replied: “Why not? You are very special to me x”
….and I took it badly.

Felt as if he was saying “since I cannot give you my love, I bought you an expensive gift in substitution, so that it will remind you in WHICH measure you are special to me” 🙁
I am not sure that I can deal with meeting him 🙁
Might all be that it’s all in my mind, but the fact he didn’t start contact, the reason for which he said he bought me the gift… seems he’s trying to walk me into friendship zone.
Can he be, that a month silence hasn’t made him realise how I feel about us and what’s possible between us?
What do I do????
I am crying since he asked me out 🙁 I feel LOST.

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:28 pm

I have been sick all yesterday… I didn’t answer anyone so forgive me.

Well….. don’t go if you don’t think you can do it but realize this is a GOOD sign and not a BAD one.
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Sorry (sorry, sorry, sorry!) for my PSs…..
Question Chris: and if I meet him to ask him what he wishes to achieve?

I mean… he knows we cannot be friends and I don’t wish to sit on a fence whilst he lays at night with the other one.
So if he still wants to stay with her there is no way we can have anything together, because he won’t make space for any compromise to meet me half way in our needs.
I want to understand what he wants from me.
If not to be with me, then I’ll have to wave him goodbye, because neither of us is able to be just a friend to the other and meeting would mean ending in each other’s arms, back to square one.
So you reckon is simply hoping that we can be friends? Why he cares so much about keeping me as such in his life????
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 10:38 am

ARRRRRGH!
This guys is either really clever or am rubbish at this!…..
Earlier this morning he initiated contact; I didn’t reply since the text was just about weather seeming to come out good. Uninterested.
Then 2 hrs later he texted again asking if I was around; waited 30 mins and replied.
We chatted briefly, he tried to fish where I was (and I ignored fishing chatting of other stuff)… then he came out of the blue with a “anyway, have a lovely day, get out in the sun, perfect weather for park bla bla”
I mean… he cut me off before I could!

I had no options but to reply you too…. NOT good 🙁
What now, I mean what should I do next time? I was just about to cut him off when he did! Argggggggh.
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:08 pm

Well, next time end the conversation sooner before he does haha.
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 9:49 am

What do you read in that “you are very special to me x”…?
I honestly (really!) don’t know what he wanted to achieve there. I mean… 3 months no see, 5 weeks NC, 1 stoopid message to a romantic, melancholic song …. and he gets out this?? What for? Gaaaaah! :/

To me sounds as I care for you, but as a friend. This given his choice I mean.
Or maybe he said it so to lure me into meeting him!
cristinar

October 26, 2013 at 2:44 am

My head is messed up Chris! 🙁
It’s telling me “beware”, he did come back once before only to push you back again. But then, also “maybe something will be different”, because obviously the guy doesn’t want to let me go.

Seems to me that either he doesn’t care about how I feel, how much I hurt, or he’s completely oblivious to it. I can’t believe it though.
Honestly man, I don’t know what to think.
For sure there is that he has some strong feelings for me; the depth of them and what he’s hoping to achieve from now on with me is the mystery!
What you think? You pretty good at analysing situations, plus you are a guy. Please help, am sinking deep here 🙁
cristinar

October 30, 2013 at 5:56 pm

Oh dear… now also your replies go vanishing unless I post another comment :/
admin

October 30, 2013 at 10:02 pm

What is going on?

I will look into fixing it.
cristinar

October 30, 2013 at 11:34 am

So Chris, after all I illustrated to you about the current situation with my (ex) man: do you think I should meet him anyway, or not?
I am still pondering if…. 🙁 can’t really decide!
Yesterday, after 5 days silence he sent a one line text on Whatsapp: “Hey sweety, what’s you plans this week?”
I was really mad at him for coming up like that, after no contact for so long again, so I let him wait for 2 and a half hrs before replying:
“Tomorrow am off to Tenerife, be back Sun. Maybe! How r u?”

He replied: “Oh nice, with Nadia”? (yet again fishing who I’d go with!)
Me: “No, alone. Am invited to friend’s bash (for Halloween).”
It is actually NOT true. I just needed an excuse not to meet him at the snap of his fingers, a GOOD excuse that would – hopefully – make him jealous and wonder a bit.
Did I do good? And should I meet him or not in your view?
I really need your opinion on this; I believe you were right saying he likes me a lot but is not sure about committing and is stringing me along meanwhile. 🙁
admin

October 30, 2013 at 9:33 pm

I think you should just to see. You have nothing to lose here.

Toughen yourself up mentally and just know that if things don’t go your way you will be ok!
cristinar

October 31, 2013 at 12:31 pm

Hi Chris, thanks for your prompt reply.
You say I have nothing to lose here; in my view I have lot to lose… now am fully controlling the situation. He wants to see me and I am not giving him what he wants, mainly because it’d be at his terms and conditions which are not what I wish to achieve.
If I see him then I’ll basically accept his terms, hence see each others as friends.
By keeping him on the fence about meeting I hope he’ll develop a longing for me, or at least that he’ll miss me more – since he didn’t much until now! – and by missing me, eventually think about his own emotions a little more in depth.
Do you think I am wrong in trying this?
I believe that if I meet him things would go exactly like before: he’d avoid taking a conscious decision about US and go on taking what he wants, when he wants, in the measure he likes.
Which is what he’s done always before 🙁
I thought of telling him at some point that I don’t think seeing each other would be a good idea, because if he feels as before, I do same, then what’s the point? The only one hurting will be me and it won’t be ok.
The situation should comfort and make BOTH of us happy, not just him, right?
If he really cares at that point he’ll be forced by the events into doing something more…. or less, depending how deep his feelings are for me, and how much he wants me in his life.
Don’t you think?
admin

October 31, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Hahaha I seriously wish I could lend you my brain so you would stop thinking so much hahahahahaha.

Your awesome though I can’t blame you.
cristinar

November 4, 2013 at 12:26 am

Me too! I mean I wish I was HIM actually, just to know what the heck he’s thinking (!)
I might be awesome (thanks for the compliment) but I still don’t know what to do… I really am lost here; all due to the precedent 🙁
Chris, if I was your best friend, what would you tell me?
I know I should weight the situation by myself, but he confuses me a lot with his erratic behaviour, more than his words 🙁

Meet or no meet, tell him I think it’s a bad idea to meet or take a chance with the risk I’ll end up EXTREMELY hurt yet again??
🙁
cristinar

November 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Gotcha Chris.
I do it at times, but this guys is veeeery clever and actually does it to me!
I normally let him wait, to cook in his broth for a few hrs, especially if I know that he might be bored (during train journey, early morning etc).
Sometimes, when he is chirpy, I cut him off – gently tho – saying “gotta go now, speak soon”.
On average, he then gets back in touch. Today he saw I popped on Whatsapp and rushed a text to chat a little… only to then disappear. I let him, coz at the end of the day I NEVER GET IN TOUCH first now.
I honestly don’t find difficult not to contact him; he did too bad to me. If he wants to talk he has to get in touch, period. Then I am sweet, but always very brief.
Is that enough ok?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:07 am

Yes that is ok I think!
cristinar

November 7, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Hi again…. gettin here to prepare for meeting him.
What do you mean by the dynamic, he doesn’t have to chase me at all?
He invited me – sort of! – out; I told him basically “sorry, taken earlier so another time”.
He kept trying to fish with whom I was busy; then “sort” of invited me again (he doesn’t expose too much himself by asking shall we met on such day… he goes like “are you out and about or home, what’s your plan for the week etc) … and I told him no, I’m sick so no meet, BUT if you are happy we could meet next week (his birthday).
Now we fixed the date. That afternoon after running away with “am zooming home, chat in a mo”… I didn’t check my whatsapp and suddenly at 22:45 he texted wishing me better and saying he hoped I was resting.
Then for the day after silence. I did NOTHING, not even checked on whatsapp once. Passed another day HE gets back in touch; I kept it brief and sweet and left him saying “speak soon x”.
He got in touch again later, during his journey home; I thinks he gets bored and feels lonely so gets in touch, but still… he seeks ME for company, must mean something… or not?
I am really freaking out about meeting him; I come to the conclusion that he is testing himself. I explain: I believe he wants to see how he’ll feel around me, for me after all that happened.
I don’t see another reason for his wanting to meet up after what he did and said last time.
I cut him off sweetly, but often and never, EVER seek him first.
What you reckon I should do differently?
You said dynamic wrong: explain me pls. I am making him chasing me. Not enough, should I simply don’t reply at all at times, let days go by… what?
Please enlight me! Am desperate…. 🙁
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:07 pm

I think what you need to do a better job of is when you have him hooked in an emotinoal connection suddenly leave the convo. It messes with ppl and makes them want more.
cristinar

November 5, 2013 at 9:17 pm

Yes I know!
This is what bugs me: WHAT, what he wants from me?
Any idea????
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:58 pm

The dynamic….

Its all messed up. He doesn’t have to chase you at all.
cristinar

November 5, 2013 at 5:49 pm

OK… now you’ll tell me I am messing my chances up…. BUT….
Today he didn’t initiate contact, so I waited a few hrs then did it myself. Then, he asked if I was out an about or home, to which (as by plan) I replied home, sick with a bug caught when away last week. Then I told him sweetly that I’d really hoped to meet him this week, and being I am sick I asked him if he was happy to meet me next, for his bday.
I asked what plans he had (once he replied YES) and he gave me a choice between the day before his bday and the actual bday day. I said I’d love to meet him on the actual day, as I love to celebrate on the proper one.
He replied again that he didn’t have plans made. Seemed he wanted to leave it up to me, so NOT TO EXPOSE himself too much. I took the challenge and boldly said “well, I choose yr bday day, if this takes you out of troubles, being you hate planning anything but your holidays, unless you prefer Tue!”
I added little smiley face.

Have I done good…. or terribly bad?
He had a phone call – supposedly – to join for work and was late stuck on a train on his way home. Signal was rubbish. He texted: Chat in a mo, zoomin home
And went.
I dunno what to think…. no news!
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:33 pm

Neutralish in my opinion.
cristinar

November 5, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I am going to meet him. Will give him a last chance to show me what I mean to him. Then I’m gonna let go, coz I have done far too much to make him see, to be there for him, and all I got was a push off and words. I can’t insist, a man has to get there by himself or he’ll never know if he truly loves a woman. I think that’s how it works, am I wrong? 🙁
admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:31 pm

Yes a man has to ulimtately make that choice by himself.
cristinar

November 5, 2013 at 12:36 am

I do. I know.
The problem is that he seems either not to see it, or not wanting to see it, or not knowing.
And I don’t know what else I could do. I really did everything and more to make him see: I was there at all conditions, even the s*** ones he set, then I left when he said he couldn’t, got back when he said he needed me in his life, then off again when he pushed me away…. what, what else really I could do to make him see?
Vanish? I did also that… and he didn’t let me go!
Am lost and desperate, seems there’s no end to my sorrows 🙁
admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:30 pm

Ok, if you and I were best friends here is what I would tell you:

Look at the future.. do you really think you could marry this guy in the long run? Do you really think THIS is the one? If not, move on and do whats best for yourself.
cristinar

October 29, 2013 at 10:41 am

Hi Chris, back to update and thanks for your honest feedback.
I think you are spot on. Man, does it hurt though to see it….
Now he’s silent again. After all he said during last Tue/Wed/Thu he vanished in a bubble of silence.
I don’t know if it’s worth to start contact once again. By now I’d expected him to make a little effort to help keeping the communication open, but it seems as if he’s waiting for me to do that, so that he can tell himself it was me choosing to be friends.
His action were too erratic in order to see much in them. When together he was extremely sweet, attentive and protective. We had a wonderful, the sweetest time; then he’d go into cryptic, at times aloof mode, as if we he was keeping something important from me that agitated him inside. He’d be distant and secretive if I made a direct question, most of the times avoiding answering or shifting subject, or ignoring it completely. He only answered when I’d go silent or insisted on having the consideration I deserved. And then he’d go again sweet and attentive and on and on like that. One day he was in love like mad, the next he’d be adamant we could only be friends.
I really don’t know. However now he’s in silence mode.
Should I let go?
admin

October 30, 2013 at 3:48 am

Again I would only let go if you think its best for YOU. Either way I want to help.

Sorry really strapped for time today.
admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:50 pm

Your head isn’t messed up you are just going through a rough time emotionally.

Well, like I have probably told you in the past look at his actions and not his words. Take words out of the equation entirely. What are his actions telling you?

Personally, I think he likes you but is not sure if he wants to commit so he strings you along every once in a while.
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 9:31 am

Sorry to hear you were sick 🙁
Feeling better today I hope.

Chris… good sign? He simply wants to mess around, as friends. Not really what I was looking for as a result of 3 months no see and 5 weeks of NC 🙁
I am not at all sure that can be said to be a GOOD sign 🙁
I don’t want to end up like before, no, no, no…. no! 🙁
And I don’t want the antique he bought for me (art deco solid perfume btl 100 years old)… would be like accepting 2nd best award! 🙁
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:07 pm

I am feeling a bit better. Being sick is not cool let me tell you.

Well, while its not a great sign it IS progress.

He bought you a 100 yr old perfume? No wayy????
cristinar

October 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm

Yes, he bought me such gift, very expensive too.
What for, I wonder? Buy my “friendship”, award me 2nd best prize?? 🙁

About why I don’t know if to meet him: because there is a precedent Chris 🙁 sadly a bad one!

In June he told me we could only see each other as friends, as he felt guilty towards her and he did have to stick to her for the kids.
I was desperate, as we kept ending up in each other’s arms… and he would keep telling me “I love you” then over and over the same things, pushing me away.
Once he put me into a cab, paid the driver to take me home… alone!
What’s worse than that?
Despite doing so he said he loved me and kept seeing me; we tried to talk our problems through, to no avail: he was adamant he had to stay for the kids and we could only be friends.
So I said “ok, if that is what you want, be it.
I am not angry at you, but I can’t be just a friend and so cannot see nor talk to you again, I need time.”

Went in NC.
21 days in, he saw me on the street by chance, texted me asking if we could meet. I agreed.
We ended up spending all day together and in the end making passionate love…!
Then spent next 3 wonderful days in a daze, loved up like ever… ’til he left for a week holiday with kids and her (and two male single friends! :/)
Came back… telling me exactly same story: we can only be friends bla bla bla!
I then began NC again.
He contacted me on day 27, I waited day 34 and replied with your bow first text and now we are into 3rd chat since then.
He also contacted me on his own initiative this morning and asked me out; actually he’s pretty insistent on mentioning to find occasions and places to meet me.
NOW: with SUCH precedent… I fear am going to face same music!
That is why I am not sure about meeting him… he messed up already once after first NC 🙁
Should I believe he got it this time? Not sure mate…. not sure 🙁

What you think?
admin

October 26, 2013 at 1:02 am

Geez…. That is a nicer gift than I have gotten all of my girlfriends combined.

I don’t know. What is your head telling you in this situation. (not your heart but your head.)

« Previous 1 … 111 112 113 114 115 … 128 Next »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”