The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Fiona

January 6, 2015 at 2:45 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We’ve broken up a couple of times before and it’s usually him that instigates this. Things had been going really well for us recently, we just got back from an incredible holiday together which was with all of his family (who he’s very close to). He always used to take me along to family events and meet ups which felt like he was committed. But he broke up with me a couple of weeks before Christmas and says that his feelings for me have changed and that there’s no trust left between us. We’ve had a few issues (which I’d like to detail more about in a private email if that’s ok?). But I spent the first three weeks crying, very upset, calling, texting him and begging to meet to talk things over again. I know I shouldn’t have done any of this. But he refuses to discuss things any more. But this all feels like it’s come out of nowhere and I feel so lost. I went into no contact with him after speaking with him on New Year’s Day. It’s been 5 days and it’s ridiculously hard not to text him! I’m so worried he’s not going to want to get in contact with me at all. Would really appreciate some of your sound advice!

admin

January 7, 2015 at 5:23 am

What would you like my advice on specifically?
Fiona

January 7, 2015 at 7:23 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve sent you an email outlining the story as didn’t want to give all the details away here. I realise you must be so incredibly busy but I’d really appreciate it if you could take a look and reply!

But basically I’m just fearful that my ex won’t get in contact with me at all. He probably falls under the stubborn type. But I’m also worried that he’s likely to move on during N/C. He deleted me off Facebook and we don’t see each other as we work and live in two different parts of town. He told me he didn’t want to meet up because he knows if he sees me he’ll want to get back together… So obviously really want to try to get him to meet up, but all previous attempts at the led to nowhere. He refuses to “right now”. So I went into N/C.

Am I likely to be successful? I feel like he’s just using this as time to move on and forget me.

Natalie

January 6, 2015 at 3:25 am

Hi Chris,

My situation is amongst the common ones. Girl meets boy,both fall for each other hard and cant believe we found each other. Everything was going great till I started getting needy and insecure and his anxiety issues did not help this mix. SO we broke up after a short three month relationship and decided to stay friends. Of course it wasnt as simple as that. First time we met after breaking up I cried and begged to get back together. Too dramatic if you ask me. I met him once more after that, all normal and even toyed with the idea of having casual sex but I decided not to go there and he agreed. Again a few days later, I had to have another break down. I texted him mean things saying how he was a player and he was never serious(which in my heart I know is not true and is just something I told myself to feel better)So of course he was upset but when I texted him when I was calmer he accepted my apology and we met for coffee after that.I formally apologised to him for my behaviour, agreed with him that he was right in saying that we should not get back together. I also said that I appreciated the memories I had with him and that I had a good time with him. I really wanted to create a neutral environment to work on getting back with him. But then I realised that I may slip into the same destructive behaviour of anger or guilt and pity so I decided to apply the NC rule. Im on the 9th day of the NC . I am working on myself and introspection of my actions. He messaged 5 days ago wishing me a happy new year and messaged today asking how the year has been so far. I havnt replied to him and I am not tempted to, but when the NC rule is over what am I supposed to do? Im planning a NC for 20 days.I am 27 and he is 29

admin

January 6, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Well, you end up contacting him usually. Do you have an idea of what to say?

Jan

November 28, 2014 at 10:32 pm

This really resonated with me, and i did something to a guy i was chatting with and getting to know. We knew each other from a few years back, and then found out he separated from his wife of 30 years. I msged him on facebook and he replied back to me and we ended up exchanging numbers to talk.

Been talking with him for about 2 mths and we were supposed to meet up about 2 weeks ago for coffee, and a few hrs before he ended up txting me cancelling saying he had some family issues to work out and he wouldn’t be much company. I txted back saying no worries, i understood completely and to let me know when he was available. He said he would try for next weekend, and thanked me for being so understanding.

So about a week later, i had to have a minor surgical procedure and found it peculiar that he hadn’t contacted me to wish me luck. I figured since i did not hear from him, he was still dealing with that family issue and so i figured i should just give him space. I should mention also, my cell phone wasn’t charged all week as my son had taken the charger. On the Friday when i did charge up my phone, i received a text saying…”what’s wrong, why are you not replying? Did i do something wrong (at least i don’t think i did)”. So i replied back saying, i had my surgery and was resting, and that i thought he had said he was dealing with a family issue and so was giving him space and was waiting for him to reschedule. He then replied back, didn’t you get my texts?? To which i said no i did not. He said apparently he texted me saying he wished me luck and also did i no longer want to meet with him etc. I texted i never heard back from him re getting
together for coffee. He said..yeah, i got tied up at work and ended up staying late. Not even an apology or acknowledgment that he never rescheduled or called me. All he said was, ok let’s just move forward. No acknowledgement of his part in this.

Sooo….i tried calling him to just clear things up, but he didn’t pick up. He texted back saying he was on the way out and for ME to call HIM later. I felt like he was being rude. So i said ‘can you call me later what you can ok’…then i texted..’is this a joke’ lol…no reply back. Never got any phone call from him or anything.

So figuring he was just playing games, iunfriended him from fb and said, lately our communciation has been rather awkward and uncomfortable and though i enjoyed chatting with him, i think it best we no longer communicate. Wished him well etc.

THEN however, i found out from my friend that txt msgs get lost if they are undelivered after 3 days! and my phone had not been charged for 5 days!. Realizing he was probably telling the truth, i texted him explaining this, and saying how sorry i was for unfriending him etc and it was just one big misunderstanding! I even sent him a new fb invitation……well next day he text back saying how much i hurt him etc etc. Again i appologized and offered to phone him later…he said he was working late, but i could call the next nite. So i did call him the next day. He didn’t pick up, so i askedhim to phone me back to clear this all up. Nothing. 2hrs later i left him another messge bascially saying if i did not hear back from him, that i wanted to offer my sincere apologies and so very sorry that i hurt him as i did. Hoped he would accept my apology and if he did not, i would respect that too. Well it’s been 2 days, and I have not heard back from him,
but he has not rejected myfacebook invite nor has he rejected it.

So i guess what i’m trying to say is, i should have taken a step back and not acted so defensively. I did say sorry so many times…is this also a red flag that maybe he is not forgiving and someone i should really be wary of. Also the fact he never apologized for anything….

Your feedback is appreciated! I have decided not to contact him as there is nothing further i can do! The fact i called him and the fact he didn’t answer and i left him an apology voicemail before i started NC the next day, did i sabbotage anything. Does he think he has the upper hand since he never answered the phone? Also, should i delete my fb invite i had sent to him BEFORE i phoned him and started NC?? Isn’t he a jerk for not picking up the phone when he agreed to call him or is he just angry?? PLEASE HELP!!

Thanks so much!

admin

December 1, 2014 at 3:23 pm

No more apologizing. You said sorry already so leave it at that.

Stay in NC. Try to be patient ok!

anon

November 7, 2014 at 1:43 pm

Does these apply to ex boyfriends whom you broke up with more than a year ago and whom have since been dating someone new? Will they think of their ex gfs?

admin

November 20, 2014 at 3:15 pm

I have seperate articles covering those questions actually.
Chelsea

November 29, 2014 at 3:27 am

Can you email your articles covering this topic?

I was the one who broke up with my boyfriend, because I felt I wasn’t given affection or attention anymore. But it was all in my mind.. how he explained it. I guess after a year and a half, the other person gets old after awhile? The romance seems to fade a little, I guess it was just me noticing, all I wanted was for more romance again .. 6 months ago is when it ended just with frustration, and end of October he wanted to block me from phone and social media, he started seeing someone new around that time too and found out by his new relationship he’s fixing everything where him and I went wrong. It’s so hard, the one thing I was asking for, he’s giving to her instead.

Is my chances completely over for hoping to get him back, if it’s been 6 months? I think it was his way of NC. Once I read up on all these ex boyfriend sights and winning him back I found out about NC and heard great reveiws. I’m comitting 110%.. I’m 5 days in of NC and I’m sticking to it religiously.. I feel proud of myself. A month of NC out of all those months of being apart the longest we had talked was just 3 days, so having him block me how he did really broke me down and then I found all these helpful tips and tricks to make everything seem stress free.

I will have to see him again, he technically hasn’t moved out of my room since we are seasonal employees in the winter season. Over the spring/summer we both were in different states. But since I came back, it’s hard seeing his belongings everywhere. Maybe he would give us a second chance around Christmas. It’s when he will be back to visit in my town and when my 30 day NC will be up! I’m sorta excited, I know this will work, The past 5 months I was just mad and frusterated just wanting to see him when he just wanted me to be happy and be myself….

I don’t know where I’d be without people like you helping all of us that make stupid, thoughtless mistakes. Thank you. -Chelsea.

Nikki

November 6, 2014 at 10:49 pm

Chris, I’m in need of help – had a curveball thrown at me today and can’t find an answer or similar siutation to this at all on your site…do you have any time to answer an email? It’s a pretty quick question – promise! Just don’t want to be on the site for fear that my info is public and potentially visible. Please let me know if I can email you the question. Thank you!

admin

November 20, 2014 at 3:12 pm

Sorry for the late response.

chris@exboyfriendrecovery.com
Nikki

November 21, 2014 at 1:55 am

Thank you, Chris!! I just emailed you but from a different email address than I listed here. I so appreciate any help you can give!
admin

November 24, 2014 at 4:03 pm

Been so busy lately so I apologize for not getting back to you immediately.
Nikki

November 24, 2014 at 6:06 pm

No worries at all! Completely understand! Did you get the email?
admin

November 25, 2014 at 2:45 pm

Not yet, when was it sent?
Nikki

November 26, 2014 at 3:01 am

All done! Forwarded you the two emails I had sent – if you didn’t receive them (titled “From Nikki” and “From Nikki Part 2”), so hopefully you can find them in the mix.

Thanks again, Chris, and Happy Thanksgiving!
admin

November 26, 2014 at 3:17 pm

I will get them I am sure. I am going to answer them now for you.
Nikki

November 25, 2014 at 10:27 pm

Hi Chris,

I’ll reforward now, but it’s from a different email address… I’ll put in the subject line “From Nikki.”

Thanks! 🙂
admin

November 26, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Got it Nikki!

Rony

November 5, 2014 at 4:59 am

Hi chris.
I’d rly be grateful if u helped me with this .. ive been with this guy 3 yrs now .. many breakups went over and the last was (Last April) .. i applied NC rule and it was phenomenal .. lthough of we were blocking each other on whatsapp .. he unblocked me day 18 or 20 ! 😀
I continued the NC for 2 whole months and then talked to him bk but this breakup left me unsure and very cautious abt everything .. i wasnt inlove wz him lyk b4 and he noticed that i changed he even told me literally (U r not into me .. u dont want me .. i can feel and see this in all ur reactions and its humuliating):(
i explained that i need time and i have trust issues wz him as he broke up with me many times and he has w f***** flirty attitude which drive me crazy.
Whateva we spend good 6 months (btw its a long distance relationship we only meet every month once or twice) .
Ahh .. forgot to tell u that during this 5 months .. he was extremely possissive of me and if any of his friends talked to me he go crazy and nuts!!!
on other hand he was supportive and very caring although of he is still flirty! :/
He introduced his self to my father in my Master’s thesis discussion and he was there 4 me in the middle of his extreme busy work (he got special excuse to come to stand by my side although of he showed annoyance coz i was planning to invite some male colleagues!) But at the end he came .. and he let his mother talk to me to greet me after and infornt of my friends .. he was acting in very very romantic and caring way .. up to that my friends suspected that me and him gonna get in official commitment soon without telling them!
Other thing i can notice that he just cant keep his hand off of me anytime he sees me and ofcourse if we rn’t fighting.. besides, i noticed that his statuses and general state is CALMER and MORE STABLE when im in his life.. he is a total psycho freak (his X marriage made him think nuts and weired) but when we r together even his best friend keeps hinting that he finds him weired .. romantic!!(which he strictly advices him not to be coz it wud end in heartbreak and vulnerablility!!!) And he is just as i said looks .. MORE COMFORTABLE with his life.. regarding marriage he opened the topic and said he is still struggling with financial issues.
Since 5 days ago i broke with him coz he did a deal breaker to me which was talking to a girl whom caused us trouble b4 .. he was trying to tell that he was replying her in a repelling way but that wasnt satisfactory to me and when i expressed dat .. he postponed the subject coz im.in the middle of my exams .
Other stpd thing that drove me crazy that i Figured out that he hanged out with a female photographer (he likes photography and adopting a career with it now) while i was busy in studying and there werw solo.. i asked him what is that .. is tjis normal to u .. he replied ..”what .. thats work .. we’re gonna work together”
I went totally crazy .. kept telling him that u cant tell me not to do list whioe u r wide open doing things that annoys me .. u dont deserve anything ive done to u.. i was tellin my self that u will change but .. nothing changes .. its over and i blocked him on whatsapp .. he blocked me back too later in the same day.
Next day i sent a msg to apologize abt my extreme aggressivness .. telling even if we’rnt gonna be together .. things shudnt end this way .. im sorry ..U r a good man .. God bless u in ur life .. then i didnt contact him at all and today is my day 5 of NC.
What do u think of this guy chris .. from MAN’s prospective and am i doing it right NC him .. im intending to complete the NC but i dunno .. how wud it be if i went to extreme reaction lyk blocking him and him blocking me bk!
Btw .. he is soooo stuborn.
Thanks in advance 🙂

admin

November 20, 2014 at 3:10 pm

You are definitely doing the right thing by doing NC on him.

I think you shouldn’t go to that type of extremes by blocking him.

Cobra

November 4, 2014 at 1:30 am

I forgot to mention, he still has up every single photos of us together on FaceBook. Hasn’t deleted his comments of unliked his likes. What is wrong with him? He can’t have his cake and eat it too lol!
Cobra

November 4, 2014 at 1:16 am

I so thought I could do the NC easily. Ha! It’s only been 4 days and I’m sitting around wondering what is going on in his head. He texted me the day before Halloween basically to apologize for hurting me how he has and that now he knows how it feels to be in my shoes. I didn’t expect to text with him for several hours after that, but we did and it was a very pleasant conversation…..until somehow it came up that he is still pining away for that married woman (who’d slept with my ex and her husband two weeks apart) and that actually most of the conversing they are doing is fighting. That’s when I cut it off, but not before first getting angry and telling him what I KNOW is true (she’s obviously not leaving her husband for you and she moved back to her hometown with her husband…..she’s only going to keep hurting him I said). He told me not to be mean. I told him I didn’t want to hear from him until he is no longer speaking to this woman. I did not want it to sound like an ultimatum, but I was mad because two months earlier he had told me she was out of his life. To me, that meant they were no longer in contact. Guess I was wrong. He said “Fair enough. I won’t talk to you as long as she is in my life. Sorry for hurting you.” That is actually when I spit out the “She’s just going to keep hurting you, but I guess you like the pain,” line. Like I said, it was out of anger and frustration from finding out they were still talking after he told me she was out of his life. How was I supposed to feel? Then a slew of messages from me explaining how am I supposed to feel bad for your hurt feelings when you keep putting yourself in that situation to get hurt. I think the message she is sending seems quite obvious if they are fighting all the time and she moved back home with her husband in tow. He never answered any of those after he told me not to be mean when I said she was just going to keep hurting him. So the NC rule has been in effect for approximately 4 days now, I de-friended him from FaceBook the next morning, but that was after putting up all the “my ex is a jerk” songs. I, of course, still check out his page to see if I see anything new (now that a lot of stuff has disappeared simply by de-friending him) and I have only been able to notice the music he’s been listening to. Some of it is angry and others are about feeling sorry for himself. At least that is my opinion of the songs he’s listened to. I want so badly to know if he is mad at me for what I said and about not wanting to hear from him as long as they still have contact with each other or if he’s mad at her for all the fighting they do. The greatest highlight of our relationship was we NEVER fought crazy. We ALWAYS talked it out in calm voices like adults, finding the right words to say no matter how long it took to respond to what the other has said. There were only two instances where I ever walked off without saying anything because I needed to collect myself and find the right words to explain why I was mad. We talked like adults and every time we were so proud of ourselves for having such good communication. Of course we weren’t perfect, but we always tried really hard. He and I both agreed in the beginning that we both hate yelling fights and saying mean things out of anger. That only ever happened once between us, but the mean things I was saying we’re stupid and we both knew none of what I was saying was true. In that fight, I told him I know he thinks I’m a wh*re and a b*tch. In reality none of those things had ever been said except for maybe a time I was told I was acting like a b*tch. I’m trying to use this NC period to show him I’m not going to give in like he knows I want to. I almost feel like I’ve actually had a longer period of NC because the last few times it has been him to contact me either himself or through a friend. But the last two times were not about our relationship, it was about finding stuff he needed in order to sell his car. Now obviously I am here because I want my ex back and just need him to realize this other woman is a totally opposite of me and no good for him. Have I said anything good about this other girl? No? That’s because I haven’t heard anything good about her. If she had been single when they hooked up, I would respect her more, but she doesn’t even get THAT respect! I don’t want him to be mad at me, but there is a clear NC rule in place now and he knows that he is not going to just text me up and then later blame all his flirty texts on it being his personality. I even told him, his flirting is not innocent to my eyes because he KNOWS I love and care about him. Why does he do that and then expect me to see it as innocent flirting? I guess I’m just severely confused and hurt right now and just want him to stop feeling sorry for himself and trying to make ME feel sorry for him because that’s not gonna happen. Can you just assure me I am doing well and will get through this NC? The first two days were easy, but now it’s starting to feel uncomfortable. You think he may be feeling or thinking similarly? Maybe he’s thinking, “Has she really grown a pair and is putting her foot down this time for real?” I feel like I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. I enjoy your guides and find them to be sensible. Everyone needs someone who’s going to tell them what they NEED to hear and not what they WANT to hear. I am sure I may get a response that I don’t want to hear, but I’d be better off accepting it rather than ignoring it. Thanks again Chris!

admin

November 20, 2014 at 3:06 pm

NC is really tough to get through especially when you want so badly to talk to the person you are doing it on.

I guarantee you that he is probably thinking that you have put your foot down this time and that thought probably scares him!

Amna Malik

October 30, 2014 at 9:09 pm

Hi Chris,
I have been dating my boyfriend for over three years now. He is two years older than me and we get along great. The problem started a year earlier when my boyfriend make it look like he was no longer interested in me the way i was to him. I was just too blind to notice or whatever but for over a month I kept thinking constantly how I’m the smaller one in the relationship. I always text him first and last and everything. I thought to myself that ego does not matter in a relationship. While we both were arguing about something i brought up the topic and we fought even more. He told me to take a break and i got angry. Ever since i haven’t talked to him and all. But i just want to know it there is a chance i can get him to be the way he was before? Also, what to do next?
P.S, Thankyou in advance. 🙂

admin

November 3, 2014 at 3:48 pm

Well, have you tried any of the tactics on this site yet?

Jessi

October 29, 2014 at 11:41 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex and I have been broken up for a year. We see each other from time to time because we go to the same gym. Why is it that whenever I am around he pretends I am not there. If we pass each other, then he will say hi. I’ve noticed too that he can be around me but not look at me. Why is this? After a year I would think that the awkwardness would have gone away…but its still there! I make small talk with him but I get the impression that he is uncomfortable still. Before he was okay and would talk to me more and make sarcastic jokes, but lately he is quiet and a bit distant with me. I have seen this behaviour before after 4 months of our breakup. So why is he being like this again?

admin

October 30, 2014 at 6:33 pm

He is being immature and also probably feels awkward about hte situation. Sometimes men can hold resentment over the breakup too.

Natalie

October 23, 2014 at 1:33 am

My situation is a little bit unique (as I am sure most are): I was hanging out with a guy since the beginning of 2013, and he kept doing all the chasing. We were intimate with one another, but i didn’t want a bf. It was obvious to him that i was “unavailable” and very hard to pin down and not as into him as he was into me. In april, he got a new job (was a bar manager at one place, and started at another), and it all went downhill from there. He because extremely busy, stopped contacting me, asking how i was doing, what im up to, or showing interest. I really wasn’t sure if it was his job he hated so much or if he just wasn’t into me anymore. I did find out in the beginnign of it that he started talking to other girls, and we talked about it, and he said he had no choice when i constantly kept rejecting a relationship. However, he was never honest with me about wanting to make me his girlfrind either – he would always agree, and he claimed, “That’s all i COULD say,” b/c he didn’t have an option since I didn’t want a bf. Several months went by where I would run into him at a 4am bar that we had always frequented. I would text him drunk and stuff, and he would sometimes text back and sometimes not, depending on if he was asleep already. Now, a week and a half ago, we had another long talk – granted it was a drunk talk, but it felt real – and he admitted a lot of things as to how he felt about me, and so i felt reassured about us. He wanted to give us a shot finally, and he knew i was hesitant b/c i was fearful of him breaking my heart again and not putting in the effort, time, etc to show me he cares by at least sending me a simple text asking how i am doing or waht I am up to. But he did that very next night, so I was happy. but then again, it went “poof.” He stated that he absolutely hated his job, his car, and his life, and htat life “blows.” So, I understand he is miserable right now.

This past weekend I went out friday, saturday, sunday, and i had texted him each night asking if he was working, and also saturday asking if he wanted me to come visit him at hte bar, but he said that the bar was dead and he was closing early. i had also asked him if he wanted to hit up another place with me or if he wanted to come over and he said he couldn’t because he had to work in the morning. Again, this made me feel rejected and as if he didn’t want to see me. Sunday I had messaged him a few times, and stopped by his work and left after a drink and sent him a couple other texts. In the morning I had screenshotted our texts to him to show how one-sided they are and how it feels so amazing to feel ignored especially after the talk we had the previous week. and to please just tell me (again, i had asked him this SEVERAL times b/c it is what i do feel, but he always says no) if he is over me or not into me. He finally responded that he is “not doing this anymore. i’m not sure what the definition of a relationship to you is, but getting a barge of drunk texts from you over a weekend of working over 40 hours doesn’t work for him” and he said he hopes we can remain friends. I had responded that a relationshpi to me means communication on both ends. not being ignored. and taht i do text out of insecurity of where he stands and i do apologize for sending drunk texts and that i do not like that about myself at all. and that i will stop. i sent a couple more texts later in the night to again apologize and to tell him that maybe timing hasn’t been the best for us, but that i am still willing to give things a shot if he isn’t totally against it, and that the door is still open on my end.

He didn’t respond to any of the texts after his last one about how “he’s not doing this anymore…”

Thinking about it, I am not sure if that was a cop-out/excuse to get out of the “relationship” and another way to tell me he is not into me anymore, or if it truly did piss him off.

So my question is, I will do the NO contact rule, BUT, what if he texts me? Do i Respond? do i wait a couple days to respond? Also, since we both frequent the same place, do I stop going to it, or do I just act like nothing has changed?

Thank you!

Natalie

October 23, 2014 at 1:35 am

Btw, just want to specify that when he got the new job, it was April of this year. He was still super into me for that entire year and almost half until he got that new job.
Natalie

October 23, 2014 at 1:43 am

And also, how long would you say is long enough to do the NC rule if we haven’t talked every day (mostly the entire week until weekends or couple of weeks) since he started his new job? Before that, he used to contact me almost incessantly, every single day, asking me how i am and how my day is and what i am up to, and just to flirt with me.

He is going to train to become an EMT in January, and I assume that includes quitting his bar managing job.

Nikki

October 20, 2014 at 2:31 pm

Hi Chris,

You can disregard the last couple of questions regarding moderation – I sent an email in lieu of to consolidate. If you can check when you get time, I would so appreciate it. I think I have a bit of a unique situation.

Thanks!
Zahra amen

October 14, 2014 at 2:24 am

My husband and I have been together for 5 years total and married for 2 .. During the entire relationship we have been long distance except for the past 1 year … Right now my husband is in Sweden and I am in Usa the problem I have with him is that he doesn’t treat me well and I am trying to change him by using the no contact rule … I have stopped communicating with him for the past 2 days but he keeps calling me … I want to know does the no contact rule work if I want to teach him a lesson and wanting to make him realize he can loose me if he continues to behave this way and how long should I not call him.. Also I wanna know if it’s possible that he will get over me or move on …

admin

October 14, 2014 at 3:58 pm

I think the issue is the fact that you two are seperated by distance so much.
Zahra amen

October 15, 2014 at 12:43 am

Right but my question is do you think if I ignore him or do the nc will he forget about me ? Or fall out of love for me?
admin

October 27, 2014 at 2:33 pm

No I doubt it.
Zahra amen

October 15, 2014 at 12:45 am

I basically told him that I want to end it because he’s not there for me emotionally ..

Nikki

October 13, 2014 at 9:33 pm

Chris – great info here. Thanks! What happens if I blew the nc rule (hadn’t read this blog) and the ex seeks ME out at events. We work for the same place. When he beelines to me, then converses for 2 hours at the various events, runs after me if I see him and walk the other way. Eventually I just stop and talk because I’m stuck. I initiated the breakup and hoped he’d pull it together and resolve some internal issues. Not sure if that’s happened since I’ve kept conversation light. But he states he’s “puzzled” as to why I defriended him on FB and deleted his number. I have a date with someone else at another work event next week. I know it’s possible the ex will walk up to us. I don’t want to blow my chance with him by indicating it’s a date but would like advice on how to handle my reaction without overdoing it one way or the other. And if I run into him beforehand, do I just turn my head and ignore? Thanks!

admin

October 14, 2014 at 3:51 pm

You might want to check this article out: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-handle-every-situation-during-the-no-contact-rule/
Nikki

October 15, 2014 at 2:57 pm

One more quick question when you get to my last reply… If he approaches me (and my date), he may point blank ask me on the side if I’m on a date. He’s asked before when I was just talking to a guy. I will not engage him and will be having a great time, and will only reply shortly and move on with the date. My question is do I flirt a LOT with the date to be clear I’m on one and secondly, do I answer “yes” if he point blank asks. Thanks again, Chris. The event is tonight.
Nikki

October 14, 2014 at 4:06 pm

Thanks, Chris. Just read it – appreciate it. I plan to be bubbly and not engage and just walk away if he approaches…which he most likely will. One other quick question – my date will be standing there. I don’t want to “over-flirt” if it essentially sabotages the opportunity with the ex. What is your recommendation? Just light flirting to be “seen” or make it clear it’s a date.

Jas

October 13, 2014 at 7:18 pm

I NEED SOME ADVICE, PLEASE… I have a bit of a tricky situation, my ex and have been broken up for 4 years now we were in a long distance relationship. He dumped me. We’ve been talking on and off for 10 months now. He contacted me after 3 years of no contact wanting to mend fences and be friends. After a few months of talking I told him that I didn’t think we should talk since I still love him and he was insistent that we continue our friendship, We didn’t have a bad relationship, our families got along, mine loved him, his loved me, we were even going to get married. He is a bit back and forth with me. He’ll say one thing and then say something else. At first he said he’s thinking of leaving the military and moving back to the hometown, but later on say that he thinks it’d be best that he stay where he is whether he renews his contract of not. I don’t know if he was genuinely conflicted or testing my reaction. We’ve flirted here and there and he responded well when I brought up some fond memories, but we haven’t really done that in a while. We’ve talked our break up out, he expressed his regret for leaving me and wishes he could go back in time and fix it. He told me I will always have a special place in his heart. I know he still cares for me deeply but he’s stubborn, I get the feeling that he sees me as only “the one that got away” and not the one he can have again. I know he still finds me attractive still, and we go through bouts of messaging 30-40 times a day, even when he’s on lunch break or with friends. He’s very attentive when I’ve had a bad day and always wants me to talk about it and tries to make me feel better. Should I do the no contact with him? I know I can do it. I’ve gone a few days or weeks before responding to his messages before and he usually texts me a few times during that time, but that was after having our flirty moments, otherwise he doesn’t respond at all. So should I do the no contact on him and if so, Should I warm him up with flirting before I disappear? I guess, the most important question would be if you think I still have a chance. I don’t want to be stuck in the friendship zone. Any advice would be fantastic!! 🙂

admin

October 14, 2014 at 3:47 pm

Maybe just a few days like 21 days.

I think you need to do a better job of rebuilding attraction.

Jenna

October 13, 2014 at 6:13 pm

My ex broke up with me, everything was going really well, we were planning a vacation together and I was baking for him and making him his favorite dinners..you get the picture, just being a good girlfriend. We totally did have a lot of miscommunication issues but slowly we were working them out. Then out of no where, after a slight disagreement, he just told me he isn’t into me anymore, mind you two hours before he was just telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me that night. I have problems giving him his space, he said a lot of hurtful things to me, he is the epitome of the stubborn guy meets angry guy. The last thing he said to me after our last phone call we have had was that he will call me when he calls me. He is extremely angry but hasn’t or won’t communicate what it is. I’ve left him alone and am just trying to make sense of all of this but I guess my question is what can I expect from an angry/stubborn ex. He told me he loves me but just can’t be with me right now. I am slowly accepting this but I need advice on how to be stronger, I absolutely do adore him and want to try to make it work. And I have started to implement the NC rule two days ago. I guess I just want to know what the stubborn/ angry man who tells me he still loves me is thinking during this time. We both agreed that time apart might help… Chris…Please give me advice. I feel really lost and confused.

admin

October 14, 2014 at 3:45 pm

I think in this case you will have to give him some space.
Jenna

October 14, 2014 at 4:55 pm

He also said a lot of mean things, like “I am just not that into you anymore” “this feels forced” this also came out of no where like I said, and went through with the break up. I’m having a hard time accepting that he just may never talk to me again. He had just been telling me two hours before how much he loves me and can’t wait to see me…so you can imagine the hurtful things he said..well hurt. I guess from a male perspective when a guy says stuff like that is there no hope? does the NC rule even matter? He was very angry. I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that he was acting loving and caring towards me then flip the switch like that so suddenly. He said he was in this with me, then suddenly ripped it all away.
Jenna

October 14, 2014 at 5:22 pm

His friends also do not support our relationship. He cares a lot about what his friends think and he has been on my side and says that he agrees that they wrong for speaking horribly about me. But I can’t help that possibly one of his friends that doesn’t like me and got to him. They are getting married and the girl basically disinvited me to the wedding, he said that if I am not invited then he wouldn’t go either. I haven’t said a word about his friends and just let him be and have his own friendships. The end to this relationship is all wrong. There is so much unclear to me.

ashley

October 8, 2014 at 3:32 am

ok so i was seeing this guy for 5 months and i ended it bc he was always going crazy and getting mad about little things. after a couple days of being broken up i told him i wanted to get back bc i missed him. he wasnt down bc i hurt him but a few days later he talked to me again and we were fine again. i was away at the time and when i returned home we were fine for a week and then he ended it, saying he no longer felt the same way. i then found out he had been talking to another girl whilst we were together. we fought and then i began expressing how i want him back but he just kept saying i was making it hard for him to still have feelings. eventually he stopped answering my texts so i deleted him off everything. then about 10 days later he liked a picture on my instagram that had been posted a week earlier, and a fb pic that he could only see bc our mutual friend was tagged in it. however i have not heard anything from him. why do you think he was looking up my profiles and liking my stuff? how can i get him back???
Sarah

October 8, 2014 at 12:56 am

My ex boyfriend broke up with me a week and a half ago because over time he’s felt stressed financially trying to support more than half our rent (we lived together), and then me trying to tell him my feelings and how I am sad we wouldn’t be living together after the lease is up (due to financial reasons) he just said he lost feelings and it doesn’t have to do with me but that he just feels he can not deal with everything that encompasses a relationship. He says he is not ready for dealing with emotional women and I made him feel like the relationship was like work. He says he is too young (22 years) and does not know but maybe down the road we could be together but for now we can be friends.

Before moving out I texted him telling him to have a good night and he wrote back “DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO”. And basically over the next couple of days he texted saying I needed to clean the dishes before I left. I told him to stop being mean. I told him that i accepted the break up and i left a meaningful message saying i appreciated him and was saying goodbye.

he then texted if i needed help taking out the safe (its heavy) , and i didn’t text him.
then a week later he found out i was hanging out with our mutual friends and he got angry saying they weren’t his friends and i can do what i want with my life even though he would be uncomfortable with me hanging out with them. His friends / my friends told me he was just jealous they “chose” me over him and that he can’t deal with how people like me.

It’s been a week and a half he texted saying if I looked in any of the boxes I moved out properly, because he is missing his hair trimmer. I got my mom to text him saying that she will give him the box, and that she apologizes that I have been so busy and giving space. He texted her back that it would be great to get the box from her, and he will get my step brother to get the safe out of his place..

So he is technically angry… but ppl tell me that he is angry because he subconsciously feels he made a wrong move breaking up with me, and he is hurt. What do you think?
I am in NC and plan to stick to it , by the end of the week my stuff will all be out and it would have been two weeks since i have not texted.

What are my chances?

Sarah

October 9, 2014 at 2:12 pm

I paid my portion and then i left, he had 1 month left in the apartment but the rent was paid for (we paid first and last months rent when we first moved in)
so now there is no financial issues due to the apartment
Sarah

October 9, 2014 at 2:15 pm

I was just wondering why he ended up being mean to me.
also he has been adding back all of these girls on his social networks, he has changed his status to single and then deleted me off off Facebook and it bothers me because it seems like he is trying to move on really quickly
Sarah

October 9, 2014 at 2:20 pm

sorry to comment again but i wanted to add that he is the type that is attracted to the excitement of a relationship, and once it gets stale he bails instead of trying to bring the spark back into a relationship. he knows he is not ready for a relationship …what are my chances if he really feels he can not get into a long term relationship without getting “too bored”
admin

October 8, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Shouldn’t you be able to contribute to rent though too?

Sounds like his financial worries are contributing to the breakup.

Rae

October 7, 2014 at 10:51 pm

Hi there,

We were in a LDR and would spend atleast 8+hours together talking per day, when we broke up I was desperate, needy and really insecure. I kept trying NC when I saw how emotionally unstable I was but kept failing after a few days for about a month and a half.

I got it together and have been really working on myself internally and made so good changes but I already sent him such high emotional emails. He opened them but never responded and from his actions or non-actions it feels like he’s punishing me. So I’m wondering in your opinion if I’ve made too many mistakes post breakup to get him back? If not how long do you think I should use NC for?

admin

October 8, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Youve been a bit desperate but you can change that.

Rachel

October 7, 2014 at 7:40 pm

Dear Chris, first of all I want to thank you for this amazing website and your valuable advice.

I’ve been with my ex boyfriend for a year. I wasn’t ready for a relationship when I met him but he insisted on trying for me to give him a chance. The chasing period lasted 7 months (during which he called more than 10 times a day every day..) we didn’t have sex at that time, just hanging out for coffee etc. I was seeing him more like a friend,things were so comfortable and fun with him. I developed feelings for him eventually because of his persistence, kind heart and affection..

The last two months that I was competely with all my heart dedicated to him and our relationship he started withdrawing.. He broke up with me two weeks ago because he said he wasn’t feeling as much for me as when he met me..I was devastated and angry and said some nasty things to him which where all untrue (he definitely knows that)… I then exhibited desperate behavior, calling/texting too much etc. with him ignoring me.

Yesterday I started NC. Chris do you think he will come back? Do you believe he may be commitment phobic? I can’t understand how his feelings changed from one day to the next…

Thank you for time.

admin

October 8, 2014 at 12:57 pm

I am not sure if he is a commitment phobe. He seemed pretty committed to get you in the beginning right.

Did you two have a massive fight that caused him to rethink things or something?
Rachel

October 8, 2014 at 3:28 pm

Well two months ago -he started withdrawing after this- we went out for dinner for the first time with some friends of him and their girlfriends and his brother and fiancee too.
I had such an awful time. It was the first time I met most of them and I was being nice and friendly,talking to everyone etc, but they weren’t nice at all to me, especially his brother. That dissapointed me and then I kept quiet for the rest of the night.. The only thing they all ended up talking about for hours was how to break up another couple of their friends that were about to get married. I got so pissed and finally said to all of them kindly though, that it wasn’t their bussiness if the couple wants to do that (they accused the soon to be bride for stupid stuff like “she told me her engagement ring costed 950$ while she told you 1000$ what a lying b*tch”). I just wanted to leave the dinner as soon as possible wondering what kind of people are they…

Anyway , I told my ex afterwards I was very surprised by the behaviour of the people he hangs out and I told him he should have supported me when his brother talked nasty to me.. He got angry at me for not liking them..
I was staying at his place at the moment and when we got home from dinner he told me his brother and his fiancee are staying with us.. I had no idea why he kept it a secret all along and told me so late at night after just having dinner with them and meeting them for the firt time.. I didn’t like that at all..
I packed my stuff and went back to my place as soon as we arrived in his place.. Told them I am sorry but a family member is at hospital.. To my ex though I told him the truth, that I really needed some rest and that I didn’t feel comfortable with them especially after the way they treated me at dinner..

Chris do you think I overreacted? Could this be the reason he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I can’t think of anything else..no fight, nothing.. just that..
admin

October 9, 2014 at 1:30 pm

Wow, they sound like horrible people for trying to break another couple up…

I don’t think you overreacted at all. I wish I was there to tell those people off too.

To me it seems like he wants a girl that agrees with him on every little thing.
Rachel

October 9, 2014 at 9:49 pm

You’re so nice Chris. Perhaps he wants a girl like this.. It would be such a boring relationship though to just agree and like everything he does..
And I know right? They met me for the first time and while I was trying be friendly and get to know them, they just kept on gossiping about the other couple.. I definitely got to know something about them this way after all.. Anyway, perhaps the feelings were mutual and his brother or all of them didn’t like me at all and shared it with him, and he listened to them? I don’t know, that’s an awful scenario..

I’ll stick to NC for now and we’ll see what happens!

Thanks again Chris, it was nice talking to you. I’ll be in touch.
admin

October 13, 2014 at 3:18 pm

I wish you had put them in their place.

Shame on them for planning to try to break another couple up. Sure, sometimes it can be fun to gossip about other couples that aren’t going well but to try to plan their destruction is horrible.

Definitely stick to NC.
Rachel

October 26, 2014 at 7:21 pm

Hi Chris!

Update! So he called me on the 17th day of no contact but midnight.. Of course I didn’t pick up the phone and I didn’t like the time, I thought he might just be horny.. Anyway, day 21 and he calls again, I am ignoring the call and then he texts me “I’m sorry to bother you..I just wanted to know how are you.I hope you are fine!”.. I didn’t answer. So, do you think it’s good he contacted me? I worry he did it to just seem nice etc. and not because he cares..
Rachel

October 8, 2014 at 8:23 pm

Chris I want to thank you for your quick response to my previous comment.

I have one more question for you.. do you believe a man would reject at some point for whatever reason the woman of his dreams? Cause I ‘m thinking he wouldn’t.. so maybe I don’t need to stress about this break-up so much..
Anyway NC might be a very interesting period not that hard after all. And I bet his is going to be the “mid-caller”.
admin

October 9, 2014 at 1:39 pm

I guess it depends on the situation.

For example, if the woman of my dreams cheated on me you better believe i’d reject her.

Of course, the woman of my dreams wouldn’t do that to me.
Rachel

October 9, 2014 at 10:02 pm

Of course she wouldn’t. And I don’t think I could put up with cheating too, but still in some cases you can forgive everything if you trully love and understand deeply someone and accept them with all their flaws etc. If you feel like that you don’t just reject someone. Perhaps you could cheat on your dream girl but still want her more than anyone, so it would be a shame if she rejected you just for one mistake. I ‘m sorry I talk too much.
admin

October 13, 2014 at 3:19 pm

I know myself pretty well and cheating is something that is unacceptable in my eyes. I don’t think I could ever get over it but only because I feel I am so dedicated and I would expect the same from a partner.

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