The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Sandy

December 4, 2015 at 7:48 am

Hi Chris,

I am wondering if the NC rule also applies if your partner has depression? My boyfriend moved out 2 weeks ago. We still talk and we are in a state of limbo. He recently was diagnosed with depression and that is definitely a factor for why all of this happened. In this time I have reflected on my mistakes and from reading your other posts I know that I am too clingy, and that this has always bothered my boyfriend. We have SO many other wonderful connections but I’ve really focused on my errors during this time apart… and I know that even if we got back together I would seriously have to work on my ‘clingy-ness’. I do not know how all of this will progress, but I imagine that soon he will want to stop communicating (I think he is feeling a lot of guilt, this is just my prediction….). Do you think the no contact rule would apply if this were the case? When he is also dealing with depression which will distort his thinking? I would hate to not be there fore him through this hard time, if he reaches out to me for contact. It makes for a very confusing situation, because when he left he told me he doesn’t know if he is leaving because of problems with the relationship, or if he is leaving because of the depression which is affecting how he thinks of the relationship.

Any advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:11 pm

Yup, it still applies.

Belle

December 4, 2015 at 5:51 am

Hi Chris,

Hope you get to read this post.

Well, I have a boyfriend of 4 roller coaster years. Recently, he decided to have a cool off. I accepted it, respected what he wants because he said he needs to answer the question “Do I really want to be in this relationship?” But I didn’t totally agree with him. He still contacts me and even does the first move after that. I still tried to fix the issues underlying and then we talked again. I told him to make things clear this time. He said that instead of breaking up with me, he chose to have the cool off, because he doesn’t want to regret not having me if after all these he realizes that it’s still me for him. Thus, he’s playing safe. However, I told him that we should have an agreed goal on this period. So we agreed that we’re still together and our goal is to make things still work. After the period (he goes interstate for a job training for 2 weeks) we’ll see if we reached the goal.

After that, we still communicate and little by little he starts to text me more often then in fact, he calls me and accepts my calls too. Before he left for job training, he said that I will just fetch him in the airport and no need for me to be there on his departure, so okay. He left and then there he started with only one word text messages. I still reply and text him enthusiastically, then he gives in and texts me infos about his 1st day in training etc. After that 1st day, I haven’t heard from him anymore I still text him good morning for 2 days now, but I still don’t get any reply. Instead he texts my guy friend who’s in the same place and they’re planning to hang out in the weekend. That’s it.

What should I do? I can’t comprehend him anymore. But at the same time I would like to give him time and space to think over things and of course I would lie if I’d say it’s okay if he doesn’t return to me. I would just like to make him feel that I’m giving him the air to breathe yet still come back to me after and make things better, because I’m more than willing to start over again.

What do you think should be my next step? And BTW, on Monday is our monthly anniversary (we always celebrate it) but I have no idea what to do now. I’m afraid I might mess things up. (Sorry this took long, Thanks a lot for your help)
Irene

December 4, 2015 at 12:57 am

Hi Chris-

I WORK with my ex. How do I navigate these waters? I randomly see him around the office but neither of us acknowledges the other’s presence. I feel like he hates me. He goes out of his way to avoid me. He broke up with me because I was too emotional. We were together for 4 months, he told his parents and me that he was going to marry me. It’s been almost 3 weeks.

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:14 pm

Check out this article,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-handle-every-situation-during-the-no-contact-rule/

Amy

December 3, 2015 at 12:23 am

Chris,

My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 2 months now. We had never had a problem then entire relationship and his reason for the break up was that he wanted a couple months of “alone time and a break.” For the first month and a half he was still texting me and taking me out on dates and inviting me over to stay the night and hang out. Then he decided he wanted no contact. After only 4 days he sent me a video of him and his nephew saying “he wants you to come see him sometime soon.” Two weeks after he said no contact we also went on another date, but he said it wasn’t a date. We went to dinner and a movie. Talked all night and he even talked to me during the movie about old conversations or memories. He doesn’t talk to me everyday, but almost every other day. I always wait for him to contact me first. I have been talking to him too. I have just now seen your “no contact rule.” I was wondering if it is too late to start this. And should I start it if he is still reaching out to me? He says that he can see us getting back together and all of his friends have came to me saying the same thing. I don’t want to give up on him, but I don’t know if he is giving me false hope. He is so confusing. He tells me we are going to get back together, but it’s been 2 months. He also says that I need to quit worrying and relax. That everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to. What are your thoughts?? Thank you!
Caddie

November 30, 2015 at 8:32 pm

Hey Chris,

I want to reach out to you about my current situation. Me and my ex were dating for 4 years. He followed me to college and we were happy. I recently got a full time job position and he is currently still in school while maintaining a full time job (at the school). My job is a regular 9-5. Rarely have time off. His only time off is on Tuesday nights and the weekends. The past 3 months it’s been harder and harder to see each other and when we did- it felt forced. We were ready to move in- but couldn’t because he’s getting free dorms at the moment. He doesn’t graduate for another year. We recently broke up 2 weeks ago. He broke up with me and we hugged, cried, and said we would miss each other. 2 days later I called him and we talked on the phone and cried some more. After that- he ignored me. Completely. I went 4 days and contacted him again and asked if I did something wrong. He said, “I need distance and I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen”. I said that I will always be waiting for him. 2 days after that I went to the hospital about something that came up. I texted him. His response was, “Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” He asked me to keep him updated about what’s going on. So. I thought this will be a good time for me to see if he really wants me to keep him updated. Day 3 of no contact right now and he has not contacted me at all either. I feel like he’s the stubborn type who needs to really feel what it’s like to be without me. He proclaimed in one of those phone calls that he was happier- is this true? I mean, I bought him a birthday present a long time ago and it’s coming up in a month. I was thinking about sending it without putting my name on it. Is this a good idea?
I will continue with the no contact. The hard part is that none of us did anything wrong- I think it was just the circumstances. We were bitter about work and school that it got in the way of our personal relationship. Is there anything I can do to get him back?
GENESIS

November 30, 2015 at 7:14 am

Hi Chris,
After a fight with my boyfriend, we’re not talking for 3 days now. He’s not contacting me also, should I continue with NC? and wait till he contacts me? What if it’s my fault?

Szantina

December 17, 2015 at 10:18 pm

Hi! My boyfreind broke up with me today officially. We were together for 2 years. I really love him and he loves me as well i guess,but he broke up because he thinks it just doesn’t work.He gave up on me and it really hurts but i don’t wanna lose him. I logged out from my facebook and i want to dissapear for a while but i dont know if i should for like 1 month or 2 and what should i do when i come back? im so depressed and i want him back 🙁 Please help me,Thank you!
Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 12:34 am

Did you actually break up?

Abby

November 24, 2015 at 8:56 am

Hey Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago after being in a 5 year relationship. We are only young and he ended it because he wasn’t happy and wanted time to have fun and be with his friends but later says he feels free. He has said he has no intention of finding anyone else and that he owes me everything because of everything I have done for him in the relationship. When I have spoke to him he says that he will never miss me because he doesn’t get that feeling (His dad is away a lot for work) so he is used to missing someone . This makes me feel that the No contact rule won’t work. He has said he will always love me and care about me and he doesn’t want to loose me out of his life entirely and he will make sure that we have some part in each others lives. He said this as well as that I am one of the best people he has ever met in his life. I just feel confused in what to do for myself in order to cope with all this. I don’t even know if he just needs space to clear his mind or if it’s over for good? He told me he does need space and that if I don’t message him then there is more chance for him to miss me. He seems very confused which also makes me feel confused.

I am worried that he would find someone else and that he’d forget about me but he did assure me he would never forget me and that girls aren’t an interest of his at the minute, it’s just having fun with his friends. Therefore, I don’t know what the aftertaste. He is a very stubborn person and in pervious times he has come back but it was because he knew I was right that he’d made a mistake but didn’t want to admit it himself.

The NC rule is hard for me because I’ve spoke to him all day every day for 5 years so when something happens it’s just an instant reaction to want to tell him about it but because I can’t I get frustrated.

I don’t know what is going on!!!
J.

November 24, 2015 at 12:45 am

Hi Chris (my ex’s name) Not sure where to put this but what happens when you have a child and own a house together AND he’s confused/depressed? My ex fiance decided he wasn’t sure about our relationship after close to 9 years together and ended things last week. Naturally I’m devastated., we had a great relationship but he told me he wasn’t happy and didn’t know how to be, even though he said he “knows in his bones” he should be. I’m on day 5 of minimal contact and only text him when he initiates a text asking about our daughter but don’t respond when he asks how I’m doing. On a side note, he works up north at a mine and is only home 2 weeks out of the month. I’m really dreading when he comes home as I don’t know what to do. He sent me an email last week about not being sure he made the right decision but I never responded. He’ll text me sad face emojis and ask why I won’t talk to him. I know he wants to know what my plans are when it comes to the house. He had mentioned that he wants me to stay at the house with our child and he’ll continue to pay the mortgage and send me money but he’s going to move out. I am so desperate for us to be a family again, nothing makes sense as we were great together. He left a note for me that said, “I still love you, sorry for everything, please forgive me” Is there a chance when he’s not “right in the head”? He did mention in an email that he’s going to get therapy. UGH! I hope you can give me some advice! Sorry for rambling on. J.
Laura

November 23, 2015 at 12:10 am

Hey Chris,
Just wanted to start with all of your guides are extremely insightful, and I’m sure you’ve helped a lot of people! I’m also sure that you’ve gotten this before too, but I feel that my ex boyfriend does not fit into any of those 7 stereotypes that you listed. We were in a relationship for a little over a year, we had just spend a wonderful weekend together. We live 2 hours away from each other, go to different universities, but I go to school in his hometown. He told me he loved me everyday up until he called me out of the blue a week after seeing each other and told me he thought it was best for us to break up. I was completely blind sided and confused. His family was all confused and upset too. Even though I didn’t understand when he tried to explain on the phone, I believe I now have a good idea of why he decided to end it. I think one, that he was scared/confused about how strongly he felt for me and he really isn’t sure right now what he wants in life. I also think that despite the fact that he loved “us”, he didn’t love the separation factor of our relationship. He told me that the night we broke up, a lot of it didn’t make sense to him because we meshed together perfectly, we have the same views and end goals, we never fight. We’re best friends. So I really do think that he’s confused. I think he was thinking selfishly; that he wanted to be with me all the time, he wanted me to be the girlfriend that could go out with him every weekend. And because I couldn’t give him that right now. (go to a different school, busy with Nursing School) , he was partly unsatisfied in our relationship. In him feeling this way, he explained to me that he didn’t think that he was being fair to me and that I deserved better, someone that was 100% sure of me. After the breakup, we didn’t talk for a few days, but then had to text for an important matter, nothing to do with “us”. However, I did ask him if he was having as hard a time as I was with this and he said yes. But then he also told me that he thought we should only talk when necessary (like the important matter we were currently talking about) He said that he thinks we both really need to keep the space so that we can get through this. I agreed with him and haven’t talked to him since. A week later of struggling with not contacting him, I came across your guides about the NC rule and tactics to possibly getting my ex back. I’m going to do your challenge as a means for personal healing. And then reevaluate what I want to do after a month or so of freezing him out has gone by. However, I’m definitely intrigued with the idea of getting him back and starting anew. My question for you is, what do you think is going on with my ex? If he too has initiated the NC on me (without all your rules and the plan of getting me back), How am I to proceed? He doesn’t fit in any of those categories, I don’t think. He broke up with me; he said he wasn’t going to talk to me unless necessary, so how will I know if he even notices/cares that I’m not contacting him? I also believe that most people do not break up with their SO’s with the thought that “now isn’t the right time and maybe we’ll get back together later”. Usually people (and me too) have made the decision of ending a relationship and wanting it to be done. This is also the first man that has broken up with me that I’ve wanted to get back together with. I’ve always been able to look back and see the holes and bad things in a past relationship. But not this one. My bf said that he hoped that I trusted that he believes he made the best decision for the both of us. I believe him, I just think he’s wrong. I have valid reasons for wanting to get back together, not just that I think I’ll be too lonely without him or those other sappy/pathetic NO-NO reasons you listed. So do you have any further insight into what you think my guy is thinking and how I should handle this?
Spacing out

November 22, 2015 at 5:09 pm

I have been with my boyfriend for only 4 months. He is 30 I’m 24. He recently switched jobs and was overwhelmed about life and his career and choices. He told me 3 days ago that he needs space to figure things out. I must mention he never told me he loves me before and it seems like he wasn’t falling in love with me. I think he love wanted the space to know if he loves me or not. I am going to do the no contact but i am not sure if it will work on him. What should I do if he ends up not contacting me. I am not sure if texting him using your strategy would work. Since he hasn’t been in love with me. I was hoping if I didn’t speak to him for a few days he will realize he misses me and want to talk but he hasn’t reached out. When he told me he needed space he said its to work on himself and hopefully in th future we can be together.
ria

November 20, 2015 at 12:32 pm

My ex told me that “he wasn’t ready” and it was ok for him not seeing me again. But he also told me that he is going to regret to let the perfect girl slip away and he will never look for another one again, because he thinks I’m the best (?!). [INFO: He had a crush on for 5 years.]
Right now, I’m confused. We had our fair share of ups and downs, and I know that both still got feelings for each other.
We had a huge fight via cell phone and it ended with a break-up. He totally went cold turkey on me. I admit, I was a clingy and jealous girlfriend and I shouldn’t have pointed my fingers at him all the time. I’m definitely not innocent and I made mistakes. Clearly, we both need some space, but do you think the 30days NC rule is gonna work? Already been 6 days of silence. I feel like a thrown away garbage bag.
Mia

November 18, 2015 at 4:41 pm

Hi Chris,
I was with my ex for almost 3 years and I broke up with him a week ago. The main reason for our break up was that our core values did not match, but other than that we were compatible in every way and we love each other so much. Neither of us wanted to break up, but it had to happen if we wanted to salvage what we actually did have. I felt that resentments were starting to emerge and pile up and there were issues being swept under the rug. Therefore, I initiated the break up, and I believe my ex understood and wanted to respect my decision so he agreed. I still want to marry him one day and I’d like to believe he sees his future with me too. I did the no contact rule for 3 days then he contacted me saying that I probably no longer wanted to talk to him. I texted back, reiterating why we had to break up and that I loved him very much and still see a future with him. He was sad, but after that, no more reply for him. I am day 3 of the NC rule (I’ve restarted), but now I can’t take it. I’m worried he will believe there is no longer a chance of getting back together and move on. Before me he was engaged to his ex of 10 years, and I’m afraid that time will make him realize that he actually preferred that relationship over ours and go back to her instead of me. What do I do?
Nina

November 17, 2015 at 2:21 am

Hey, I’m Nina and I dated this younger boy for barely over a month. We had amazing fun and I believe I took his virginity, we really clicked besides me arguing with him often for small things( terrible dating trate I’ve had forever and don’t necessarily know why I do it) anyway we met him being my cousins boyfriend’s brother and just as we’re all having fun my cousin and her boyfriend break up. However I still wanted to continue with my boy toy but we argued one last time about me spying on his brother and reporting the juice back to my cousin, I was so pissed I texted him he was gonna regret starting that argument and that was gonna be our last conversation. He said basically kool and duces and now it’s been 2n’ uh half weeks and nothing….no calls no texts no nothing…one last thing his brother did return to his ex girlfriend…it’s known that me and my cousin despise her and now she’s at their house all the time. Do you think my guy can just be ready to never see me again just to hide his brothers secrets from my cousin? I’m going nuts here….

MrBumpo

December 4, 2015 at 2:21 pm

Walk away. Leave the poor guy ALONE. Haven’t you done enough damage to fulfill your own selfish egotistical narcissistic needs???
Nina

November 17, 2015 at 2:26 am

I completely forgot to mention it’s day 13 no contact!!!

Sky

November 16, 2015 at 11:05 pm

What if you see him in person during no contact? I’m only on day 3 of bo contact but I just saw him drive by my job and we made eye contact. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since our breakup, we dated for 5 months, I broke up because he yelled in my face and called me names. He still won’t return my things. So if you see them in person still keep no contact?
Meemoo

November 16, 2015 at 5:34 pm

Hey Chris, my ex boyfriend Broke up with me and after 20 days of our Breakup I implemented No Contact Rule and I am still on NC. He has contacted me during NC but I havnt replied. I didnt Respond. He sometimes talk like he is my Boyfriend still. we have broken up many times before but he always come back but this time i want him to stay forever. He gives me an excuse that his parents wont agree for me which I dont believe. I am worried that he will get angry with me or Wont respond to me after NC and will move on with someone else. Can I get him back? Do you think there are chances?
DAN

November 16, 2015 at 4:16 am

Hi Chris,
what if he left me after 1 year 7 months of an AWESOME relationship full of love and happiness… because he told me he was tired of the recent fights we were having in the relationship and because he told me he wanted to be really happy… and he and his best friend started feeling attracted for each other (I know for a fact she’s not the one for him but he can’t see it) just after we broke up he started dating her and kissed her in front of me on purpose… and he seems to be the upset one for some reason and even ignore me when we are at the same place… and I decided to apply the no contact rule and deleted his fb and phone number… is there any chance he would realice it was a mistake and try to reach me? we had plans, and lots of awesome memories.

Nique

November 27, 2015 at 12:08 am

This is exactly what I’m going through. We actually lived together and we broke up and during that time he started spending time with his female friend. He was so sure about her that he told me to my face that he has feelings for her. I was depressed for weeks and eventually he started to come back around. However, it still didn’t work because he was still talking to her all day and not me. Eventually it became so bad that he broke our lease, he moved back in with his mom who he was living with 7years prior to our relationship. When I see him in public he ignores me and he has blocked me from everything. I feel like he hates me and I can’t understand why. He were talking about marriage and never argued or fought. I miss him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Do you think he’ll come around?

Sharon

November 13, 2015 at 6:39 pm

Chris, I would like a bit of advice to make sure I’m going in the right direction. We split 2 weeks ago, bad aftertaste, mostly my fault. I tried to win him back and then I played hard ball, after realizing he has treated me really cruel throughout the break up. I told him about himself, which now he is using to play victim. When he shouldnt because has done and continues to do alot of hurtful things and is playing alot of mind games. You can tell what he is doing to me is intentional. I was only being honest, even after I still tried to do something sweet, didnt work. The last time we spoke he talked to me like crap while I calmly expressed my feelings, he got angry, told me he wasnt ready for the conversation, to just move on like hes not coming home because he says he doesnt think he is, but when I would say okay, I can tell this is done, Im sorry, he would throw hints like he still cares but would get angrier. Towards the end I basically told him I could tell by how he was treating me there was no hope and that I am moving on he once again got angry and hung up on me. I had an accident a few days ago, had to text him for the AAA card numbers and he was rude, so I hung up and he texted me and asked what happened. I didn’t answer. I plan on moving forward with the no contact rule, no fails this time. He is angry and hurt but he continues to be unreasonable, is this the right way?
Tris

November 12, 2015 at 7:01 pm

Hi Chris,

So I’ve been in NC for over a month now, he cheated, we tried to make it work but then he needed a break (I never got over the cheating). Anyway, right when I initiated NC he was frantic…he called me not once, but twenty times and then text 9 times in a panic. I responded only to tell him that I too needed a break. Since then he has called four or five times and text about six or seven times, all of which I have ignored because I am actually really enjoying my time to myself. Anyway, throughout this period of NC I have discovered and realized that I do not want him back and actually do not want him in my life at all (he is sort of a loser, if I’m being honest). I’m curious as to whether I should just continue NC and hope he gets the hint or what I should do in this scenario. I love him, but he is not the man I want nor the man I deserve.

Thank you,

T

PS: Your book has really gotten me through this, I’m a much stronger and better person because of it.

Chris Seiter

November 17, 2015 at 2:13 am

Glad to hear the book helped you alot!! It sounds like you could have him back now if you wanted but you decided to stay broken up? I think you are making the right decision. Just tell him you don’t have any intentions of getting back with him and do no contact forever if you don’t want him back anymore.

Meemoo

November 11, 2015 at 4:37 pm

Hey Chris, after a month of our breakup I implemented NC. Now I disappeared and he has texted me goodnight etc type texts and I didnt respond. I am still on NC. Will He come back to me after NC? Am i being rude to him and do you think he will get angry at me if I dont reply? I am scared that He will ignore me when I will initiate contact because he will be angry at me maybe? Can I get him back? are there any chances. we have broken up before and got back together but this time I want it forever. Thanks
Ambs

November 10, 2015 at 11:41 pm

Hey Chris, My boyfriend and I have been broken up for almost a month and a bit now, when we broke up a day later he told me he didnt love me nor did he want anything to do with me! its weird considering i broke up with him before and he cried. Even our parents knew about eachother, we were even meant to go to fiji together but he cancelled his flight after the breakup! I only have a week left of NC but he hasnt called me or anything yet! what should I do?

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4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”