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4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Alex

    January 21, 2017 at 6:13 pm

    I’m sure you all know Snapchat and how you can have a streak with someone. Well, during the NC period, can I respond at all? He usually snapchats me first. Also, his birthday is in the middle of March. If I start the NC now, can I greet him? Help!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 22, 2017 at 10:15 pm

      Hi Alex
      nope.. no contact means no initiating, no replying and no social media stalking.. As for birthdays the podcast linked to this will explain why you shouldn’t greet him too:
      EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule

  2. mackenzie donovan

    January 21, 2017 at 8:30 am

    my ex and i were starting to argue more frequently toward the end of our 8 month relationship. we both were really in love with each other but after our last fight (2 weeks ago) he wanted me to leave him alone. I was very dramatic. He was incredibly distant and detached. So i gave him a little bit of space but then i lost it. I messaged him so much hateful stuff, we both acted so immature. So I feel that i was largely in the wrong. I could tell he wanted to break up with me but he just didnt have the guts to do it. So i attacked him for stringing me along. Even now he wants to “talk” but makes zero effort to make that happen. I just feel so stuck in limbo. I want to talk and figure it out but i dont know when he will give me that chance. Should i just stop talking to him? regain some of my dignity? i mean we both acted poorly and we both acknowledge we are not a good fit. I just wanted him to talk to me instead of avoid me. i feel really hurt and heartbroken. I dont want to get back together i just want him to treat me with kindess and not like i am umimportant to him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 22, 2017 at 5:43 pm

      Hi Mckenzie,

      you can’t just wait for somebody to treat you the way you want them to treat you.. If they dont, that means you hVe to walk away because you have to stick to your standards

  3. Beth

    January 20, 2017 at 7:16 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me after 9 months together, saying that during this period he hasn’t fallen in love with me, because he doesn’t feel the butterflies in his stomach anymore – even though he was sad to break up, because he know’s that probably there won’t be another girl that cares about him the way I do. For the first entire week after the break up we saw each other or texted every day (we have to, because we’re in the same team for a project). After the first 2-3 days, we decided to stop talking about our relationship and our feelings, because it was hurting us both. We continued seeing each other or hanging together as “friends”.
    After this week, I decided to start with no contact. So I didn’t text/call/see him for an entire day. On the second day of NC, he asked me out for lunch, because he was going to stay away for 2-3 days (he went home to see his parents). I declined, and he sent me another text saying he wanted to thank me for giving him the space to really think about his feelings for me. This text left me really confused, what does it mean?? He said he doesn’t have feelings for me, so why now he’s saying the contrary?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 22, 2017 at 9:24 am

      Hi Beth,
      It’s just a way for him to talk to you because that’s what he’s used to doing..

  4. Sammy

    January 20, 2017 at 11:47 am

    My ex and I were dating for 3 1/2 years we had gone through a rough patch (no cheating just family/friend drama) in the first 6 months and made it through but every now and then comments that were made during that time always surfaced. He started getting distant and weird about a month before his brothers wedding about 12 months ago and I got clingy asking what was up and eventually we made it through that putting it down to him feeling confused due to financial stress and pressures. He broke up with me 7 weeks ago and after the fact we spoke about it the day after properly concluding that he was not ready to commit completely to me – move out/plan a future etc since then I had spoken to him maybe once or twice with either side initiating contact. I began NC 3 weeks ago to really work on myself and see if he is really what I want in my life. He did not contact me until yesterday when he called I did not answer as it was the middle of the day I assumed he was in between jobs and it was likely a call to kill time rather then “talk”. I haven’t responded but my question is, I think he’s the guy that just lost the NC duel. What going on in his mind now? Will he start another duel and try go longer?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2017 at 6:44 pm

      Hi Sammy,

      probably not, because you’re the only who’s actually intentionally doing the nc rule..maybe he’ll call again

  5. Augustine

    January 19, 2017 at 2:28 pm

    I’m so torn 🙁 We had no closure. Dated for 1.5 years. I’m 10 days into NC. He left me because he said he didn’t want to keep hurting me and that I deserved better, that he was not good for me. Other than that, we had a happy and healthy relationship. A friend told me that he tweeted saying that he made mistake, that it was too late, and that now “she” wasn’t coming back. I don’t want to assume but what if he goes on believing that I’ve moved on and he’ll decide to move on too during NC? I’m so tempted to reach out to him wanting him to understand how he IS truly good for me. But knowing him, I think he’ll just pull away further 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 20, 2017 at 7:23 pm

      Hi Augustine,

      that’s a good sign..that means he can see that he’s about to lose you if he keeps acting the way he does..there’s a good chance that once you initiate, he will reply.. If he left you easily and then you’re making it easy for him to go back with you with just a tweet, how would he learn to value you?

  6. Kati

    January 18, 2017 at 9:11 am

    Hi Amor, me and my boyfriend have been in an on/off relationship for 2 years and 4 months. We split up two weeks ago. I went NC right away, however, I’m worried it won’t work, 1. Being he’s really stubborn and in the past it’s always been me who’s gone back to him and 2. I’ve done NC too many times I’m worried it’ll lose its effect, however most of the time I haven’t successfully completed it, I lasted about two weeks tops. We argue about pretty minor things, but when we row it escalates really fast and the rows are so bad. We rowed because whenever we have a row he’ll ignore me for days and won’t talk and sort it out, then he’ll come back and act like everything’s fine, but because I’ll still be upset over it he’ll think I’m trying to cause a row on purpose. I’ve tried telling him there’s a difference between having time to calm down and just ignoring me. He’ll go to such extremes too such as turning his phone off or blocking me so I can’t get in touch. We rowed because I brought up the subject saying I don’t think it’s right you ignore me when we row, I tried to explain how I felt but he just got angry and we rowed. I don’t really know who split up with who, I did say to him I don’t want to be with him but I didn’t mean it, but he was also so horrible to me and got rid of all my stuff out of his house (we don’t live together) he’s never done that before. I love this guy more than anything but I’m scared I’ve blown it this time as we’ve been on/off too many times now. When we’re not rowing I’m so happy and we’re so good together. What should I do? I’m going out of my mind.. I want him to get in touch with me first, but I know how stubborn he can be so know he won’t 🙁

    1. Kati

      January 22, 2017 at 9:37 am

      UPDATE: he text me Thursday Morning saying “I never stop thinking about you Kati” I stupidly broke NC, but I replied about 12 hours later saying “well, of course you don’t ;)” he hasn’t replied now, it’s 3 days since. Why did he text that if he’s not going to respond? Also should I restart NC? 🙁

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 22, 2017 at 8:48 pm

      Probably just to check if you will still reply.. yep you should..

    3. Kati

      January 21, 2017 at 3:46 pm

      Hi again! He text me Thursday morning saying ‘I never stop thinking about you Kati’ I didn’t respond till later that evening (stupidly breaking NC) I replied saying ‘Well, of course you don’t ;)’ I haven’t heard anything since. Should I restart NC? Also why do you think he sent that if he didn’t even respond to me? 🙁

    4. Kati

      January 18, 2017 at 9:58 pm

      Thanks for the speedy reply! I’ll do my best to stick to the 30 days. Just a quick question.. he sent me a blank text earlier, what does that mean? I’ve thought of a number of reasons such as he misses me, he was reading through our texts, he sent it accidentally (which I doubt, we both have iPhones and haven’t text for two weeks now) or he doesn’t know what to say. What do you think? He’s said nothing since and this has been on my mind ever since :(.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 19, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      You’re welcome! that’s hard to guess but it could more likely be the second..

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2017 at 8:13 pm

      H Kati,

      stick to 30 days and be active this time so you have a higher chance of breaking the cycle

  7. Ella

    January 17, 2017 at 2:59 am

    Hi. My ex of 1.5 years broke up with me on Jan 7 (10 days ago) It was very sudden because we were truly happy and doing well! Our last serious fight had been over 2 months prior. His reason was that he felt like he couldn’t give me enough even if he was doing his best. That he wasn’t making me happy and that I deserved better. (Although I asked him if this was really the real reason, he said yes. But maybe I feel like I pressured him too much… and he felt guilty about hurting me when he couldn’t deliver) That I was being a martyr. 2 days later we met to talk. I didn’t beg or cry. I said sorry, I pointed out how much there was still more to the relationship (it truly does) but he said he was sure about his decision. I read early on about NC before we met to talk so I pulled myself together and showed him that I am respectful and not emotionally needy. Before we parted ways he kissed me, held my hand, hugged me, and told me he was going to miss me. It’s been 7 days into NC and I’m losing my mind. I want him back so much and I’m tempted to reach out. 🙁 I don’t even know if he still cares about me. Is it possible that you wake up one day and just lose feeling for someone? I think he’s the stubborn type. When he makes a decision, he will not step down or it will make him look weak and fickle. Please someone reply to me. All these factors to tell me to hope… am I blind. What to do

    1. Ella

      January 17, 2017 at 3:09 am

      He even asked me out right after we talked. I just got a text from a mutual friend. He said “Reality check ella, he’s never coming back. Even if you give yourself 10 years, you’re waiting out on nothing.” But why… it’s so hard to grasp and understand. How could a good relationship just die. Is there really no chance?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 17, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      Hi Ella,

      listen to this one:
      EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant

  8. Lisa

    January 16, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    I have a question.

    My ex has been talking to this girl that he sees at the gym since December. We broke up a day before Christmas Eve on 2016. The day we broke up was very weird so I sent him a text apologizing for what happened and he was like at this point it really doesn’t matter anymore, so I replied with an ok. After that we didn’t talk to each other for like 3 days because he was ignoring me because he was talking to another girl. So after 3 days I texted him and he said we weee broken up and I was clueless because I thought I was just giving him some times to cool off. Anyways I would text him and tell him how much I miss him and everything and when I would talk on the phone with him he would be so weird about it like I was a stranger and everything so anyways fast forward to New Year’s Day! I cried all day asking him why can’t we work on things and he said that he doesn’t wanna keep going back and forth on things. And so I was hanging with him all day on that day and I told him I feel like that was the last time I’ll see him. So he left to go home, and the morning come he would text me asking me if I was ok and I told him yeah I’ll be ok. We text for a little bit and I would still tell him I miss him and stuff and he would ignored all of it. Then on January 7 he picked me up from my house to go to his and we were talking and had sexual intercourse and I asked him did he not miss me ? He said he did but he just brush it off. I felt that because I kept telling him I miss him and that I show I wanted him made him not wanna work things out with me. 2 days after that we argued and he told me to leave him alone and he blocked me on all social media and so at this point I’m apologizing for something I didn’t do. After trying to contact him many times I message him a message ” ok, you won. I give up. If you can do it than I can too.” We would text one two words every now and then I would ignore his text message and he would text me and I would just reply to one or two words message. Because he to my to move on, My last text to him to him was ” I think you should just stop messaging me if you want to move on” and his reply was “ok Then” I ignored his text and everything and I still haven’t replied back to him since and he would sent me messages and called once. I never reply nor pick up his calls and it’s been 4 days. And he haven’t texted me in two days, has he finally move on? He’s very cocky and stubborn. Help I need answers :/

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 16, 2017 at 10:25 pm

      Hi Lisa,

      treat it like a no contact rule and do 30 days.. use it to focus in healing and improving yourself

  9. Lily

    January 16, 2017 at 1:17 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago basically after a year and a half. 5 days before i found out he cheated on me months beforehand. There was no full reason why we broke up other than he wanted time for himself to find himself again. I do believe that but i always think it was because he felt too guilty and didnt want to hurt me. We carried on talking like normal until after Christmas when i found out he had cheated on me multiple times with the same girl. From there, arguments about it started, we were still on and off talking about other things. When we spoke about feelings, it would be real limited because hes not the type of person to express his feelings much at all. He keeps it all in. But from what i got he said he wants to be single right now, loves me but doesn’t want to be with me, says he doesn’t know if we will work again because he doesn’t know the future. He sounds confused with himself. Last week my contact of many snapchats a day, got less and less and i was proud of myself till the weekend when i found out he was talking mean things about me and when i saw him in town with this girl who he has been kissing. Not the same one he cheated on me with. I kept asking what was going on, he said they are just mates and nothing is happening, how he wants to be single… but i find that hard to believe because he took her home that night and told me he didn’t sleep with her the next day… i know i should be the one who needs to cut him out after everything he has done to me and how much pain hes caused. But i still love this guy so much…

    Throughout this whole time as well, he has been drinking mostly every day and been with his friends every day. Is that how he is dealing with things? Distracting himself?

    I guess i’m wondering if no contact will still work with him to realise what hes lost, and if he misses me etc… i also don’t know if this girl is only friends (as he says there is also no feelings but i do have no trust in him atm) or if shes a rebound or to distract him??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 16, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      Hi Lily,

      can be someone to distract him.. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it’s better to do it to help yourself heal and improve

  10. Monica

    January 14, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    Hello!! So me and my bf broke up 3 days ago. Very bad breakup. We had been arguing for a while because I caught him flirting and chatting with old girlfriends. I guess he got tired of the fighting. Out of no where he decided to leave came for his stuff. Here’s the thing…we dated 6 months during that time I took care of everything he had nothing. When he came to get his stuff. I wanted to sit down and talk but he was so angry didn’t wanna talk. So I gave him his stuff. And let it go. Next day he messaged me asking for the rest of his clothes. But I didn’t reply. He’s acting like a victim. That he did no wrong and it was all me. Help please!! Idk how to handle this. Thank you!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      Hi Monica,

      If he really needs his stuff, just let him get it..But continue on in no contact

  11. Ashley

    January 14, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    Hi
    I am currently on no contact and I’m so depressed.I cheated on my ex and he broke up with me four months ago. I have been nagging him a lot but we’ve been having sex since then.I then learnt that he was using me as his fwb but then i still love him. My first attempt of no contact started off well after i was able to ignore him on the third day when he texted but then i failed on the fifth day after i responded to his call.This time I’m willing to have a successful no contact. Is there a possibility he will text this time round?or he will not?He has an ego and he might notice I’m doing no contact on him.Is he worth having back even if he doesn’t contact me during this period? I still want him back but I’m confused.He told me in the last conversation that he can’t date me but we can be good friends and after a few exchange of text he was talking about sex. Advice me if he can come back concidering he still thinks I’ll give him sex.Please help. I’d appreciate if i get answers to my question

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      Hi Ashley,

      we can’t guarantee that he will back, but if you really want change, you have to change first..you have to stop doing what you were doing before

  12. Amelia

    January 14, 2017 at 3:03 am

    My ex boyfriend and i had been together for 8 months and it was a serious relationship. We were both our first love. He was the sweetest guy and i had no doubt he really loved me back then. He said he had never been the type to show affection but somehow when he was with me, he could. He told me that before this, none of his relationships were real except for the one with me. Then a stupid fight occurred and he felt hurt by me then he just stopped showing affection. For a month i tried to make him feel better and sometimes he was ok and told me he still loved me but day by day things got worse and he just ignored me sometimes, making it obvious that he wants nothing to do with me. He didnt actually say he wanted to break up but he sure acted like he did. So i decided to send a really long message saying i understand he doesn’t want me anymore and im ok if he wants to break up. So it was i who sort of like made the break up official. He replied with a long message as well. We were both cool with it and there wasnt any fighting. He told me he hopes i find a better guy than him. So yea we ended on good terms. Do you think he’d still miss me although i told him i would move on? I mean, we both seemed a bit TOO cool abt the break up (i wasnt but i acted that way) so im just wondering if he actually has any feelings for me at all or does he simply NOT care abt the break up at all?? WHat if he doesnt even care that i carry out the NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 14, 2017 at 3:50 pm

      Hi Amelia,

      Normally he will still miss you.. leverage that by improving yourself and not chasing him

  13. Ariuka

    January 13, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    Hello, I broke up with my boyfriend about a year ago, back then I begged, was angry at him and completely pushed him away. But he used to pop up suddenly like sending gifts on my birthday or texting me on womans day and etc. 3 or 4 months back from now we started to text like everyday i thought it is working out but we didnt used to call or meet. Just texting was our way to communicate. And I suggested him to meet on new years night he agreed. I was so nervous about meeting after a year also it didnt go well like i was expecting. After a days I ended up asking “why dont you offer me to meet?”. He answered I dont know well. And since then he has not texted me at all. I texted him 3 times at first in series. Now I am progressing NC like not entering my fb at all. Is it useful? I think he feels guilty towards me what do i have to do now. Help!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 13, 2017 at 4:51 pm

      Hi Ariuka,

      be active in improving yourself and in using social media..There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it’s better to do it than chase him..

  14. Mila

    January 11, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Hello there,

    I broke up with him about five days ago and told him we won’t talk to each other nor see each other. He accepted and said to me he will not talk to me until I was ready. We both agreed and I started the no contact rule with him. The thing is that I broke the NC rule yesterday … and I don’t even know why. Is there any possibility to go back to the NC rule and still get the same effects? I am so confused. He told me that he misses me, that it’s weird not talking/seeing each other, that is going to be a lonely year and he is a bit depressed because of that. (We both go to college together and study the same career) . Also, I know that I was the one that didn’t want any kind of contact with him but now that I am/was applying it … all I was wondering why haven’t he talked to me? I mean… if you miss someone you should do something to be with them, right? But then I think about what he told me and that maybe he doesn’t want to bother me…but isn’t that an excuse? I have to admit that even though I know that I had to break up with him… I still hope that he regrets everything he did to me, misses me and wants to get back together me. So, yeah…. I am really confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 13, 2017 at 9:04 am

      Hi Mila,

      why did you break up? It’s normal that he would miss you.. yes, you can still restart nc..

  15. AE

    January 11, 2017 at 10:44 am

    Hello,
    So my now ex (boyfriend of three years) and I just broke up before New Year’s Eve and continued to talk a little after; we tried to remain friends and failed. I wasn’t aware of the NC rule before. Now I’m putting it into action but I’m worried that it will not work. He broke up with me because his therapist recommended that he is not well and we would be better off apart because of our constant fighting and differences. He is convinced that we need this and is very adamant. Will NC work on him because he is getting professional help telling him otherwise?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      Hi Ae,

      there’s no guarantee that it will but even if you keep talking, he doesn’t want to talk right?

  16. Ellie

    January 11, 2017 at 5:47 am

    After long period of no contact, i added my ex and we started conversation on Messenger, everything was good, the conversation was funny and peaceful. He asked me whenever I’m free, we could lunch together. After few days, sent him a FB joke, he ignored me, I asked him out, he ignored my messages. Now I just don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2017 at 12:57 pm

      Hi Ellie,

      when he ignored your joke, you asked him out right after?

  17. Lo

    January 8, 2017 at 12:16 am

    Hi,

    I broke up with my boyfriend after a fight last week and instantly knew I made a mistake. He was so hurt, angry, and fed up, the same way I felt. We were together for a year and there’s a lot of love there.

    I tried telling him that I made a mistake but he was just like “ok than go.” I did no contact, but then I wished him luck on his interview two days later because it would have been terrible if I didn’t. He never answered.. But then two days later he texted me and I could tell he was still hurt and angry saying that I didn’t appreciate or care about him so I replied telling him that I was sorry again and that I did care. Now he’s not talking to me.

    Is he confused? Playing hot and cold? Or is he really done with our relationship?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2017 at 8:49 pm

      Hi lo,

      I don’t understand. You wished him luck on his interview and then he said you didn’t care?

  18. Jane0220

    January 7, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Hi, your article is very inspiring and i’d really like some advise from you. My situation might be a bit complicated so im sorry for the lenghty text: me and my ex are from different countries, we had been living in his country for 1 and half years. He was really wonderful to me in the begining and loved me more than i loved him in a way, i had difficulty finding a job in recent months so i stayed at home a lot, the stress got me become needy and clingy to him, which i believe led to the loss of attraction. The thing is he proposed to me right before my birthday and i didnt really give him a answer because i didnt think we were ready. In the two months after that we had lots of fights mainly due to my personal insecurities and not giving him enough space, as well as our different ways in dealing with problems. He said a few times that we should try everything to make it work when i indicated that i didnt want this to continue, he did try very hard but i didnt take it seriously enough for me to make the same efforts too, Finally he broke up with me a month ago. I was angry in the begining instead of being sad so i moved out and stayed at a friends place. However, it hit me how much i loved him a few days and found myself in absolutely hell, i might have made a mistake going back to him and asking for another chance and questioned him why he didnt keep all his promises, which i knew had counter affects on him. He took me back reluctantly but we had a good time during christmas at his family, it was mostly great until some trivial argument broke out and he ended it again firmly no matter how i convinced him. We had a peaceful and nice last few days and i went back to my country, totally broken and wrecked, expecially after seeing him being totally okay and really to move on. He texted me on the day of my flight saying he missed me and wished me a good trip back but i didnt reply because ive decided to start the NC and ive got another msg of his two days ago saying that he is not doing well and questioning if it was the right decision and it was not nice puting me through this. I am not sure what to do now, should i wait after NC and if so how should i respond to that then, i love him but now im also in the fear of being left again, after twice of it happened. Aslo it is simply so difficult to read his mind when he was so happy with me one day before and the next day breaking up with me so distantly. THank you, i’d really appreciate some help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2017 at 1:35 am

      Hi Jane0220,

      It is better to do a full 30 days instead of cutting it short at the first sign of him missing you. You can break it if he says he wants to get back together but other than that, focus in healing and improving yourself

  19. Ely

    January 6, 2017 at 6:52 pm

    Hi! Does this rule work on crushes as well? I have been talking to a guy for 1-2 months, we made out for a few times and acted like a couple. I even found out he stalked me and it was pretty obvious that he was into me in the beginning. But after I told him that I need clarification, if we are a couple or not. He told me that he realized I was not his “type” and he broke off the contact immediately after this. So can I consider this as a kind of a “break-up”? It’s really confusing…
    Now I want to do this 30day NC rule but I’m not sure if this would work out. But I have a feeling that it will because he is not really successful with women and that aftertaste-effect still remains. And during that NC rule I will lose weight and get fitter so.. But I really want this to workout but I’m not sure if it will or if there would be other methods to use?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2017 at 4:11 pm

      Hi Ely,

      there’s no guarantee that it will but you can try.

  20. Sai

    January 4, 2017 at 7:45 am

    Hi! Mine is different and unique situation…my bf was the one who suddenly had gone mute…turned off his phone for a few days…got it back on but is not contacting me…
    We share a child together…but he also has a child with another women in his previous relationship…recently the mother wouldn’t let him see the child…that’s when he started to pull away from me and ignored me and my son over the holidays…I am doing the NC to give him space to think…I just fear that it won’t be as effective 🙁 ….it’s really not easy…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 6, 2017 at 6:05 am

      Hi Sai,

      There’s no guarantee that it will work but at some point, you have to talk to him about your standards.. If you’re second priority, you have to decide. Are you willing to be like that or just end things and settle how to co parent with your child?

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