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Kristine
August 19, 2017 at 8:01 pm
I love this article! I recently started seeing a guy for only about a month, we saw eachother a lot probably 8 dates in a month, and we ended up having sex. Before the sex I told him I only hookup with guys that I’m in a relationship with and he said you are my girlfriend. His effort went way down after sex. He tried to see me twice after that but both times very late night and I said no. Then basically wouldn’t hear from him for days at a time and he said he was focused on work. I saw him hanging out with this other girl (via Facebook) while he ignored me for 2 days. When I called him out on it he told me that I’m too clingy and that he has female friends and that I’m not his girlfriend so he can do what he wants. I texted him a bunch telling him I was hurt and felt used and it was messed up of him to lie to me and he never responded. I posted something on Facebook that I guess bothered him and he Unfriended me and hasn’t responded at all, what should I do
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 22, 2017 at 6:53 pm
HI Kristine,
looks like all he wants is sex and he’s onto the next one now.. move on from him.
Kayla
July 28, 2017 at 12:24 am
Hello,
First off thank you so much for these articles, they’re very helpful and I appreciate the explanations! And now to the point…
I am almost a successfully divorced 42 year old mom who dated my next door neighbor (I know…I know) who is 10 years younger (doh!) for a few months. At first it started off pretty awesome and innocent too – he’d text me, come over for a few minutes to give me hugs and kisses (I established a no PDA rule in front of the kids from the get go), take me to dinner, make dinner and bring it over and even drop off flowers. He was sweet, easy to get along with and it appeared he really liked me. About the second month into it we slept with each other and then shit hit the fan with the divorce as well as my job and I started to get a little insecure. At first I didn’t want to tell him what was going on because I didn’t know how he would react. He knew I was having problems and encouraged me to trust him which I did, eventually telling him everything.
We hadn’t established a relationship yet and I asked him what he wanted from me and he said he just wanted to “go with the flow” whatever that meant. Then in my confusion I told him I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind for a relationship but that I didn’t want to have sex with him if he’s going to have sex with other girls because I’m not like that. I also told him that I liked him and still want to see him and hang out. I was just kind of messed up and didn’t want to rely on him entirely for my happiness which I felt I was doing. He said he totally understands, he’s not having sex with anyone else and he’s glad we’re on the same page. He still kept in contact with me, although just one liner text messages and only came over when I asked him to. He was there for me when my kids went with their dad for a month (I was a basket case) and even asked me to come over to hang out with him and his roommates and brother.
Well, I was invited to go to Mexico for 5 days with my friend Julio who is like a brother to me. It was last minute but I felt I needed a vacation from the craziness of my life. I’d known Julio for 20 years, never dated him and we’d traveled together before. Heck, I even lived with his brother and mom when I was in Costa Rica and I know his wife. I told Alex (the neighbor) because I’m not the type of person who keeps secrets. He said “OK” and said to come home safely, then gave me a hug and kiss the day before I left.
Alex texted me once in Mexico then I texted him back and then…nothing. I texted him the day before I left Mexico but again…nothing. It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve been back and he knows I’m back. Plus my friend saw him and usually he says hi to her but he ignored her too. I feel confused. He isn’t my boyfriend so I feel like I don’t really owe him anything and I didn’t do anything wrong. I feel bad that he just stopped talking to me and I feel a little angry too, like I didn’t deserve this. Any advice or any articles I can read would be awesome. Thank you for listening!
Kayla
July 31, 2017 at 5:50 pm
Thank you! The last time we spoke was July 7 so I have 8 more days yah? And what do you mean by posting? He doesn’t have social media and yes I’ve been working on a much better version of me. I just miss him and feel kind of bad.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 1, 2017 at 3:45 pm
Even if he was not active, your posts as your indirect way of showing improvements.. So extend for two more weeks before initiating
Kayla
July 31, 2017 at 6:25 am
Nope, he doesn’t know. He didn’t ask.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 31, 2017 at 4:56 pm
He probably thinks you’re in a relatioship or going to with Julio..so he stepped back.. Your first mistake is sleeping with him.. So you’re friends with benefits with him and now he probably thinks you are with julio too..but dont explain that to him now.. Start the no contact rule first for at least 30 days..be active in improving yourself and in posting..take this as a restart and then slowly rebuild rapport after
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 31, 2017 at 5:28 am
Hi Kayla,
does he know the kind of friendship you have with Julio?
Maria
July 5, 2017 at 10:51 am
HI…i came across this website. I am with this guy for 5 months now. I am normally very in control of myself and very self secured. Suddenly I became this jealous person and insecure person. The reason is my boyfriend is very famous among girls and where ever we go there will always be girls hanging on him and kissing him. One day I got out of hand and throw my toys because he don’t introduce me to them and also don’t show we in a relationship although we together. I said things I did not mean like killing myself such stupid words. Then everything change in our relationship. He distracted himself emotionally but wee still together. Now because of that he don’t kiss and hug me and I have to deal with his friends who he don’t mind kissing and hugging in front of me. He knows I don’t like it. I started feeling rejected and it make me worse. I love him so much. We fight a lot but he still comes to me almost every night. There is no intimate or cuddles between us. He will still hold me when we sleep. I am loosing myself. He told me that he feel like running because of my behavior. What must I do to wake him up and get control of myself again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 5, 2017 at 6:30 pm
Hi Maria,
Do you want to try the advice above?
Mellisa
June 30, 2017 at 8:50 am
Hi Amor,
Can you tell me what should I do? So, I’ve been together with this guy for 4 months. He never asked me to be exclusive, we’re just kinda seeing each other. We went of 4 dates and been talking on phone and texts everyday for about 2 months. He came off very strong and said he liked me and stuff but gonna wait before it was official because we never known each other before. The last couple of months was terrible. He started to cancel the dates, he kept being busy because of work and family stuff. He said so, he needed time to resolve things at work and home. I got it, actually. But I told him, him disappearing like this, I can’t be tolerant to that. He said sorry and asked for time to fix this. Still, no change for him so I became clingy onto him and kept the conversation to be emotional and he kept avoiding it. I once become a text gnat all day until he replied to my texts and he was being angry of why I overreacted in such small matters. (him not replying to my texts is small matter to him).
I basically initiated all the contacts for the last couple of months and I couldn’t keep doing it. I was frustrated and he never wanted to talk about it. He said he still wanted to work for us but that was just words, no action, and he wanted me to not smothered him with long texts if he didn’t reply. He asked me not to text him with those emotional messages anymore. He had enough and tired with that kinda conversation. I was very angry and told him I need to walk out of the relationship and need time for myself. and he agreed. what was that??
what do you think I should do? Is the NC for 30 days? He never asked me to be his girlfriend, so I dont know if we were exes or not. The chemistry was still there, but he just seemed to keep losing interest. Looking forward for your advice. Thanks before!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 5:00 pm
Yeah I think you should do at least.. You told me him you xant be tolerant, but your actions said another… If you really dont tolerate his actions, why are you still there?
Marcy
June 17, 2017 at 2:54 pm
Hello, Ive hit a roadblock all of a sudden. NC finished a long time ago and after NC ended, our closeness has deteriorated A LOT. For the past few weeks ive been talking to my ex as a friend but its so hard to build up rapport and its even harder because we dont see each other in real life anymore. He also seems very reluctant to meet up so i really dont know what to do. How can i get him to warm up to me and what do i do to gain attraction? Even being an UG doesnt seem to help. Im losing hope.
Marcy
June 22, 2017 at 11:37 am
Basically I got fit and tried to dress nicer, and Ive been posting on social media very actively and putting on a more confident and happy facade. Mostly our topics are about either school or our shared hobby. Occasionally we would have a deeper sharing session about our insecurities and stuff. Our conversations dont really end, just one of us falls asleep first and would reply the next morning. We’ve been talking consistently since mid-May but there is little to no progress.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 23, 2017 at 8:05 pm
those are good but what about new things or activities? Shared hobbies are good topics but do you have new ones about that is interesting for him? You need to end the conversation at high note too or in cliff hanger style. Do you also do the push pull theory?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 19, 2017 at 6:58 pm
how are you being a ug? what are the topics you use, how do you end the conversation, how long have you been building rapport?
Al
June 13, 2017 at 5:16 pm
Hey,
So my ex of 4 years broke up with me 3 months ago, we have been in contact for the most part since, but recently decided just to do the no contact, on day 6 today. To give more background, he lives less than 5 minutes away and is around areas I conveniently have gone to for years. I’ve tried to avoid going around his area, but found myself in a store nearby last night. When driving home, I decided to take the shortcut that goes by his street, knowing I could possibly see him, I still drove down it. I started to panic when I saw his car parked there and kept my speed going as I noticed he was in it as I was driving by. I’m not sure if he saw me but as I drove by all I could think to do was lightly wave and keep driving. HOLY HELL, I want to be back with him so bad, but I think I f**ked it all up by deciding to drive down his street and him potentially, most likely seeing me. I didn’t text or call him afterwards and neither did he, I just went straight home and tried to keep my mind off of things, telling myself he didn’t see me, even though I feel like he did. I don’t know what to do other than continue to do no contact and avoid that area as much as possible like the plague. What if he did see me?! Did I just blow my chances of getting him back completely? I shouldn’t have even driven down that way, and can’t believe my horrible timing! Any other advice on what I should do? Please help!
Al
June 13, 2017 at 5:24 pm
Also just to say, since the break up, I had been engaging in clingy behaviors that now, in hindsight, I can see them coming off as desperate, UUUUUGH! Total moment of weakness and bad decision with driving down that street last night. I think it was the universe telling me to avoid him at all costs for as long as I can or at least until my no contact is over. Should I just restart my no contact or make it longer? It’s hard to not beat myself up over my stupid decision, but am willing to do what ever it takes to make up for this, even if it means being out of contact, I know I need to give my myself time to heal, I just hope I didn’t completely blow my chances…
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 14, 2017 at 3:51 pm
you have to restart nc but you dont have to make it longer
Ann-Kathrin
June 8, 2017 at 1:21 pm
Hello Armor,
i met a guy online, we have been talking back and forth for about two weeks before we met up. The date we went on were really great , we kissed and we both agreed on that we had a really great connection.
we talked the next day and wanted to meet up again during the next week . Unfortunetly i was clingy and came off to strong via texting . He told me that we rather should not meet again since he felt pressured and he said that our communication were unrelaxed..
i tried to convince him to give us an other shoot but he did not answer so far..
what can i do ?? i want to see him again and date him since we have such a great chemistry ..
should i do no contact and then contact him or just let him go `?
Ann-Kathrin
June 27, 2017 at 9:05 pm
He has not replied to me…
I dont know what to do. is there anything that i can do to make him Open up again?
I dont know what to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 29, 2017 at 1:21 pm
If he doesn’t want to get back with you, he really will not reply to that.. That’s chasing..
Ann-Kathrin
June 26, 2017 at 2:43 pm
i did contact him, i told him i was sorry and that i would like to make a restart..since we all do mistakes sometimes..
he did not reply yet… i dont know what to do anymore..it seems hopeless, but yet i dont think that i screwed up so bad , why isnt he even responding to me? maybe i should just move on ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 11, 2017 at 2:19 pm
rest just a week before slowly building rapport again instead of doing nc
Ann-Kathrin
June 8, 2017 at 8:13 am
Hello
i met a guy online, we met up and we connected really well. He even kissed me and we both said that we had a really great connection. We wanted to meet up again but i became clingy because he was busy at the weekend and i did not know.. i kind of behaved clingy and that is why he cancelled our date and told me that he felt pressured by me wanting and expecting so much since we only met once… i said sorry that i acted clingy and told him that i never had such great instant connection with anyone so far that i just met.. i want to see him again but now i dont dare to contact him again.. what can i do to get him to meet up with me and that start all over ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 11, 2017 at 2:19 pm
rest just a week before slowly building rapport again instead of doing nc
Jane
May 16, 2017 at 4:44 am
I’m going through so many mixed emotions and I really need advice please. I had a great guy in my life for about three years on and off. One of our main problems were due to my insecurities and the fact that I always doubted him and thought he was cheating on me. I have trust issues because I was previously cheated on. It got to a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and left me. I had been through his phone once without him knowing, but then he caught me the last time with his phone in my hand, he said it broke his heart when he see saw me. This lead to our final break up two weeks ago. He said he couldn’t take it anymore being with someone who is controlling and constantly on his watch. I love him and I miss him and I feel so guilty. We immediately cut contact; he didn’t even read my last message to him. I’ve been thinking about apologising for my behaviour and everything I’ve done. I’m also seeing a psychoanalyst for my problems, he said I shouldn’t apologise. Can you please help? My heart is in a million pieces. Will he ever forgive me and speak to me again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 17, 2017 at 6:43 pm
Hi Jane,
that’s good that you’re in therapy, are you going to do the advice above?
maddie
May 8, 2017 at 9:18 am
At times, mostly i asked my bf to share to me. Sometimes i went quiet for a while, when i got jealous of one of his female friends but i always shared my feelings without argument. Yet he always got angry at me. He also liked to send message to my male friends to stop commenting on my photos on facebook or asked me to delete them… I never complained about his behaviours. However, one day, I could not stand of one of my friends who tried to get closer to him. I sent her message that I would delete her from my facebook. I havent talked to him yet or accused him of doing anything. I didnt plan to ask either of them to stop their friendship. It was first time, I did that kind of act. Next thing I knew he got mad because she reported it to him. He didnt ask for my explanation. He broke off our relationship. Was my jealousy too bad or fatal? That was the first time. He blocked me and already has new gf after few days of our break up. I miss him and i dont know why I still love him even though he was telling bad words to me and he has moved on. I dont know what should I do. He was in rush to have new gf which was his other friend. He quickly told me he had new gf so I should move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 11, 2017 at 3:21 pm
it’s a grass is greener case..follow the advice above, do at least 30 days and check the link below:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
Rose
April 27, 2017 at 4:26 pm
Hi!
I met a guy last year and we dated for 2 months. People( including most of his friends) told him that I was a catch and not to screw things up with me. We got into a big fight and he told me not to contact him again. I didn’t and he only barely reached out to me. I understood it was because of his pride but I didn’t reach out either because of my ego as well.
After a few months we met again and got back together. I tried to be the perfect gf this time, but felt like he wasn’t putting in the same effort and decided to end it after three months. I never told him why because I didn’t want to fight anymore.
We haven’t spoken in a few months. It’s just him liking some of my photos on social media. He avoids speeding time with our mutual friends and therefore seeing me. I decided to go NC. I am working on myself because I am aware that we were both toxic to each other. He is the player type and I won’t take any of his bullshit. He said that besides me he hadn’t had anything serious in the three years since he broke up with his long term gf.
Although he never told me that, I believe he really loved her but for some complicated, yet stupid reason, he cheated on her and only regreted losing her a while after they broke up.
I want him back but at the same time I don’t because I am afraid that things won’t work again and that I will end up like his last serious gf who I never met but I think she was a great girl.
I think that I have controlling and clingy tendencies, but I always tried to keep them in check. Plus, I am a busy person so I don’t really have time to be clingy.
Sometimes he complained that I wanted to talk to him every day and other times he complained that I don’t call him enough and that I don’t give him enough attention. I am confused. Should two people in a relationship talk every day? My friens talk every day to their bf so I believe this is the norm. This may sound like I am emotionally constipated, but please bear with me.
So my questions are:
How can I make him want me again and ask me out( preferably without being obvious and desperate about it because then he will think that I will accept his BS)?
How can I get rid of these problems in this relationship, and if he doesn’t want to try again, how can I make sure that I won’t encounter the same problems in the future in another relationship?
PS. I have some insecurities just like everyone else, but I am working very hard on them and on myself. I always felt pressured in our relationship to be perfect, even if he never asked much ofe because I was already a perfectionist and wanting to grow for myself.
Thank you.
Diana
May 9, 2017 at 3:51 am
My boyfriend/ex (confused as to what to call him right now) and I fell in love very quickly. It was very deep, very emotional and very passionate. We moved in together very quickly. I was 28 and he was 38. We went ring shopping after 3 months, he purchased a diamond and all was going well. Him being slightly older, he has quite a dating past. prior to me he dated a lot but hadn’t had a relationship for over three years. He was engaged to the previous girl and I felt slightly insecure about this even though it was in the past. I know how much he loves me but instead of embracing the positive, I just put him down about his past because of my own insecurities. We spent the past year and half fighting over absolute rubbish and a few weeks ago after a wine fuelled fight he made me move out. I have been to see a psychologist because I know the only reason we were fighting was over stupid insecurities and i have been working hard to change these behavioural patterns.
We have slowly been spending time together but as soon as we get close he backs off. He keeps saying that he tried for over a year and every time i said i would stop these fights, i would start them again. He says he feels as though our relationship has been run to the ground. He still texts me daily, calls me baby and tells me he loves me.
Is there any hope or way of me being able to fix this relationship and to prove to him things will be different? I am beyond confused and devastated
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 11, 2017 at 5:03 pm
do you want to try the no contact rule?
Rose
April 30, 2017 at 11:55 am
Thank you!
Also, I am 20 years old and he is 18, so I thought age might be a factor, but I guess you’re right and I should move on, which is what I am doing.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 30, 2017 at 8:13 am
You can’t force somebody to change, because you can’t control others. That’s why we need to have standards. If they don’t fit in, you walk away. What you allow, is what you get. Focus in healing and improving yourself for now.
Natalia
April 7, 2017 at 4:52 am
Hi Amor,
I met him on Tinder, we were attracted to each other. We kept in touch and after being in contact about 1.5 months, we had sex. I was virgin before that and he was very surprise. From the begining, he was not really into serious relationship but time by time, he respect me such as tried not to come to me when he was drunk, invite me out for dinner or text to me at least 1 time per week, and me either, every week text to him like : have a nice week ahead, have a nice weekend and just wait until when he wants to meet me. We did not know much about each other, just know in general what is his job, where does he work and he brought me to his home once. I feel like I very like him and wanted to be gf,bf but I did not express that to him. I know that each of us need time. But somehow, in last 2 weeks, when I was super drunk, he texted me and wanted to meet me, I ran to him and talk like want to be gf, bf with him, he told me that we slowly can be but need time. Actually I was super drunk so I was so clingy at that time tried to approach him by call and sms and made him freaked out. I was super impolite when tried to catch him in those 2 days. After thoes 2 days, I found my mind and realized that I ruined everything even it was not started. Then I asked him to forgive me and he texted like: he doesn’t want to ruin my day, but he doesn’t think that we should consider to meet again. I said: I understand, but at least pls forgive me, Im sincerely sorry and I mean it. Do you still want to keep in touch? He said: sure, but as friend. Then 1 week later, I just send sms as normally we send to each other: have a nice week ahead, he still replied. I asked him if to ship to him the things that I bought for him before everything happened. I texted: ” I remember 1 time you told me that you was super mad and got wet because the raincoat was blown by the wind. I bought already couple weeks ago a raincoat for you, which could not be blown, and waited for meeting to give it to you. But as we will not meet again, so can I send it to you (by a shipper) ? then I will not worry that you might not get sick in coming rainy season?” He replied: ” you re so sweet, we can meet again as friend. Drink or dinner.
I had been 2 weeks from that day. I feel like I want to make him turn back, but on another hand, I want to give him more time about 1-2 months to recover. Could you please let me know what I need to do ? Is there any chance to return him back?
Natalia
May 28, 2017 at 3:54 pm
Thanks for your recommendation, Amor.
I just sent gift because before everything’s happened, I has bought the raincoat and talked to him already that I’m going to send him otherwise he might get sick, there was not any other purpose, so I might were wrong when sent it to him.
I have another concern:
I’m changing job to work for another company, I was contacted by Headhunter and I’m hired to work with a great offer. But what are the odds, the company I’m going to work in the end of June is located in the same building with his. I don’t know do I need to inform him or not? I don’t want he think and feel like being chased by me. Honestly I chosen that company because of great offer, but I afraid of that I will accidentally meet him sometimes. How do you think? Is the chance too small to get him back or even there will be no chance? I really really want to return him back but in a good way to be respected.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2017 at 7:50 pm
If I were your case, I wouldn’t do that because being defensive just looks plain defensive.. I mean, I dont care whatever he thinks because I know the real reason why Im there.. if he thinks that way, that’s his problem..if he asks, then good, you can say the truth direct to the point, that you were hired by a head hunter…that’s it, period. That would be a good chance to show the new you and to be a little indifferent ar first and then friendly later on
Natalia
May 25, 2017 at 1:47 am
Hi texted him like: “Hello, how have you been? actually I has sent you some stuffs. I don’t know if you need them or not but I think I should tell you, otherwise you don’t feel being respected. Hope they will be useful for you. Good night.”
He even did not respond. How do you think. what I should do ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 27, 2017 at 2:00 pm
ok, first, sending gifts to your ex looks like chasing.. he probably didn’t answer because he doesn’t want to give you false hope. Come from a point that he has moved on, and then slowly build rapport.. Honestly, it’s a small chance because you already did two months of nc..even if it was long, because of the gift, it doesnt look like you have moved on.. at this point, either you move on too or do one last nc of at least 3 weeks.. and dont send gifts, dont chase, dont stop improving yourself.. just be friendly.. dont ask to be friends, or if it’s ok to be friends… just be friendly.. if he doesnt answer, then move on.
Natalia
May 25, 2017 at 12:27 am
Still didn’t reply until now…
Natalia
May 23, 2017 at 4:55 am
Hi Amor! How have you been?
After NC about 2 month, I just started contact to him last night after sending him a gift without any notice in advance, But he still doesn’t reply yet. So does it mean that he already moved on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 6:36 pm
did he reply now?
Natalia
April 14, 2017 at 11:40 am
Yes, I’m following the no contact rule at this moment. How do you think? Is there any chance to get him back or better to move on no matter what? I really feel that he is my right man. What does he mean we can meet again as friend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 16, 2017 at 8:56 am
he’s trying to friendzone you.. yes, there’s a chance.. Try to make the most of the nc process first. Improve yourself during and after while slowly building rapport. If it doesn’t work out then move on.
Natalia
April 12, 2017 at 6:38 am
Hi Amor,
Which advice do you mean?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 13, 2017 at 6:15 pm
the no contact rule and do you agree with the pillars?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2017 at 5:17 pm
hi Natalia,
do you want to try the advice above?
Marie
March 17, 2017 at 4:00 pm
Hi Amor,
My ex and i met last year and we were friends for a while before realising we had feelings for each other. We had a healthy relationship and we always made each other happy. Last month, he was so busy with stress and negative feelings, he said that made his feelings towards me fade a little. When we broke up we agreed to go back to our “close friend” status. Then i tried NC a few days after that. After trying (and failing) NC after 5 days, i broke and talked to him. He kept giving false hope like asking me to go out with him but whenever he saw me in rral life, he was cold. So i acted extremely desperately and pretty much went crazy, messaging him everyday and i even broke down very badly one day and he saw everything. Right now im trying NC again, and he hasnt contacted. Im worried because he always told me that he cared about me more than anyone else. Im wondering if i still have a chance especially when he “lost his feelings for me” and doesnt bother to check up on me now. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 21, 2017 at 4:20 pm
Hi Marie,
be active during nc.. Aim to be an ungettable girl. Check this one:
The Ungettable Girl
Monica
March 16, 2017 at 2:09 am
Hey.
I will like to have some insights about my situations, is it possible?
I’ve been in a long distance relationship (5 hours away) with my boyfriend for eight months now. We see each other regularly even with the distance. Everything is so smooth, fun, energetic, happy, passionate; like a lot of connection and chemistry between us. We texted and talk on the phone regularly too. I’m not too much into texting and talking on the phone, but he reached out for me constantly. At the second month of our relationship, I get a call from an unknown girl telling my boyfriend is a liar, a womanizer, a player, that he was with so many women and tear their hearts apart. I have heard some similar story (not that exagerated) from one of his closest friend, telling that he was really hurt in his last relationship (she cheated on him) and he didn’t wanted anything serious, until he met me. When I received this call, a deep doubt rooted on me. I told him about the calls, in a calm even funny way. He get upset, he said that he wasn’t upset with me but with those people. I need to say that he’s an opera singer and he have tons of women trying to seduce and get him. He asked me to let him figured that thing out, and that he was sorry. I started to see the photos he posted with other women at work, he is kinda flirtatious; I saw he was liking so much pictures of women dressing sexy (or naked) in facebook, instagram (not because I wanted or I was looking for, but in the newsfeed). So, doubts started going deeper. I started to wait more reassurance from him, and he started a period of distancing a little bit, so a grew more insecure. Then another call. And then, two months later, he left me hanged with a text message for seven hours. I knew he was about to have a presentation the next day, but then I saw he was with his collegues at a beach, and he took from one of his collegues and she posted it on facebook and then he commented: “Wow, what a beautiful blonde!” I was mad. I texted him: “Well, I see you have time to comment that woman pic but no time to reply me”. And he get mad. He barely texted the next days, making me feel guilty, and I even apologized for how I reacted. And on and on. I just didn’t trusted him anymore, but I told my self it was my own insecurities, and I worked on them going to therapy, etc. Things went well, we kept having amazing time when together and exchanging funny and flirty message. Until, last month, he made a drama out of nowhere when one day I told him I will go to see him one day before to take care of him because he was sick. He said: “no, let me clean the house, I’ll wait for you tomorrow as planned”, I thought, “ok, maybe he doesn’t like to be cared when sick”, so I texted him (not mad at all, even kinda joking): “ok, if you don’t want me to take care of you I understand. I will arrive tomorrow”, and he get mad. Long story short, I didn’t get why he was so upset, telling that I was always thinking of him being with someone else, etc. I explained my self, we closed the discusion as a misunderstading. I arrived. Without wanting I saw a message to a woman saying: “yes, my father came to stay with me”, I even thought he wasn’t talking about that moment, but I handled to saw on his phone the full conversation, and yes, he was talking about that day, and then I saw that this woman was about to go to his home the day after! We argued. I was so hurt. I told him I didn’t want lies on a relationship, and asked him to be honest. He said it was his boss (she is) and he said that because he wanted her to realised that he was very sick to go to work and for him to stay with me. I said, “ok”, I understand. But my insecurity grew deeper. Next time I went to see him, I couldn’t stopped myself and I chekced his phone. I found flirty (and even sexual tension) messages with a girl. I freaked out and we argued again. He get really mad at me for checking his phone, and I told him to tell me if he wanted to be with other girls, that’s fine, but not in a relationship with me. He said he wasn’t, that it was just a game and he wanted to be with me (actully the messages where from last year, but he already had an exclusive relationship with, that he asked for!). After that, we get into other arguments by phone, texting, until he told me he didn’t know anymore if this was working, if we were a good fit for each other, and propose to go to couples therapy. I see this as a sing for his interested, but he stopped writing me and calling me. I asked him and he told that he thinks is the best now to stop future arguments and get things worse until we see the therapist. What do you think? Was I needy and very insecure? Was I looking for too much reassurance? Is he really honest?
monica
March 18, 2017 at 5:54 pm
Oh, I have another doubt. Why is he treating like I’m the problem? He seems to be the offended one, and I don’t understand. I accept I was pushing him for clear answers and reassurance, but I don’t see why he get that upset with me. Any idea?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 22, 2017 at 3:46 pm
It’s probably just his way of gaining control. If you’re going into couples therapy, just keep being active in improving yourself and don’t initiate contact after the therapy.. Don’t tell in the therapy that you’re already doing the no contact rule.
monica
March 18, 2017 at 5:51 pm
Yes. I’m applying it, we are supposed to meet a d talk until couples therapy in about two weeks. Was I really needy or just insecure with reasons? I’m having difficulties to seeing clearly between that line. Thank you so much for your answer!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 5:07 pm
Hi Monica,
obviously, he’s not being honest which what fueled your insecurity.. are you going to do the no contact rule?
Rene
March 14, 2017 at 4:43 pm
Help! I relocated to ATLANTA about 9 months ago to be with my boyfriend. About two weeks ago he left. I tried calling and texting but all it does is lead to him yelling at me. So I’ve started the nc rule, this is day two. Yesterday he texted stating that he is hurt about the situation and he invested a lot of time as well (but he was the one who wanted to leave), I did not respond to his text and he hasn’t called or text. I’m here in Atlanta alone no family or friends. I’m currently living with his friends who don’t really care for me. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 9:24 am
Hi Rene,
it would be better if you move back home and treat this like an impending ldr
Maria
March 5, 2017 at 4:17 pm
Quite an interesting and good read. Most of this I knew and I have a huge need to be on my own myself – and then my boyfriend basically burnt out, not going into details but he lost someone, and he is completely overworked.
And trying to be there for him I have turned into the clingy one, and I find it really really hard to break my pattern – a pattern that is so unlike who I really AM, but something that I have been pushed into the last year. We are both in a miserable place right now and I know I am close to losing him – and while that in a way maybe would be the best for at least me, I love him and really don’t want to let him go. He means the world to me
But I am way too clingy
I have muted him on all channels now and really hope I manage to give him the space he so desperately need – however I am also, at the same time, worrying sick as I know he is very unhealthy right now
We can’t save them all though, and furthermore, I can’t save anyone if I burn out too. He has to take responsibility for himself.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 7, 2017 at 2:54 pm
Hi Maria,
that’s right.. He has to take responsibility for himself..
kt
January 28, 2017 at 2:45 am
My ex boyfriend dumped me on30/12/2016(near 4 years relartionship) through whatsapp. He said we were not match.He said he gave me plenty of chances but every time i became god for a while and then return to be the same again.
He typed he wouldnt marry me and if i kept saying not to break up then he would hate me so much.
Then i went to him home and waited him to come back after counting down for 2017.He was so sleepy that he slept with me(no sex just hug), but after we woke up he insisted to break up and said he had no feelings for me.
His friend told me they discussed it and my ex said it was because of a lot of trivial things and thought we are no longer suitable for each other. My ex deleted all my photos on his social media.
On 5Jan, I reflected on myself and sent him a very long text about what mistakes I made and claiming i would be a better person, but did not say I want him back.
On 22Jan, as I helped him bought something online so he came to collect the stuff. He was nice in person maybe he wanted to treat me as his friend. Since then I started whatsapp him, but it’s 100% me initiate the contact. His replies were short but he did not ignore. When I said I was going to learn driving, he suggested me to learn the more difficult one, I think it’s because he is so interested in driving. I said I was afraid to fail and hoped that the teacher would not scold me. He said I can wear deep V so that I will pass. I said I have no boobies and the conversation ended. I am wondering, if he wants to be distant, he could just say no worries or even not to reply after I said I was afraid to fail. I am sure he would not initiate contact if I don’t. When I first met him he was shy. And now obviously he is not interested in me so he probably wouldn’t initiate contact to me. We are 24 and 25years old and are each other’s first love.
He was a relaxing man while I was his contrast. I like expressing my feelings and thought that after I talked about it then its ok. But he tends to tolerate. He never loses temper until I lost. I think there are some arguments but never think we would separate. In November he was still very sweet to me. I guess it’s because I lost temper in a trip in December.
Since then, he was colder but still pretended to be good in x’mas.
Actually before the day he dumped me, he asked me to join his friends and count down together. I was really shocked when he suggested break-up. And this time, he did not say that in an argument, meaning that he thought about it really seriously.
Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 28, 2017 at 12:09 pm
hi Kt,
it looks like you’re friendzoned.. do you want to try the no contact rule?
Anna
January 12, 2017 at 4:44 pm
I’m in a pretty bad situation. I dated a guy for 6 months long distance and were very serious- he met my family, I spoke to his, our parents talked- we were on the marriage track. 4 months into it he told me that he was unemployed. It threw me for a loop but I forgave him knowing how important his career was for him, and how much influence his family had on him. I tried my best to help him with opportunities, but it seemed like over time he wanted less and less of my help.
Around the 6 month mark I went to go visit him and on my last day of my trip asked about our future and an engagement, and he broke down. He told me he was struggling, had low confidence, and was scared of that kind of commitment. I came back home and a week later he broke up with me. Said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that he couldn’t do it anymore- he had suffered some anxiety attacks because of his life situation too. I asked him to go on a break, and not break up because this was about his work and I wanted to be a partner with him. We agreed to checking in every 2 weeks for 2-6 months.
As the weeks went by, it got harder for me to stay afloat. I tried my best to be positive, but sometimes would have outbursts during the calls asking what was going on or if things were going to get better. Around the 3 month mark he started to get very distant and specific with the 2 week breaks, he refused to talk to me otherwise. He told me he was also being distant from his friends and focussing on work. He then got a contract job and started doing better, said he was open to talking to me more often than the 2 week check ins, but that it took him a while to get back to people so I shouldn’t be alarmed if he doesn’t text right away.
The next week he went to see his family for thanksgiving and I didn’t hear from him at all for a few days, called and messaged, nothing. He got back to me saying he was fine and that whenever I text and call so many times it makes him feel suffocated and harassed. I told him I was sorry, I was just worried for his safety. A week later he had an event to go to that he had been working on, I asked how it went and nothing. I saw that he was talking to some friends on his Facebook wall, and got upset and called him out. I told him it hurt that he had time for others and not for me, called him a bunch of times, and texted him all day with apologies and heard nothing. It has now been 6 weeks since then.
I reached out to him for 3 following weeks every few days asking for forgiveness, apologizing, and he hasn’t said a single thing. It has been 2 weeks since I last reached out. Now that it’s been so long and he’s been separating himself from me, what are my options? Will no contact even work in this situation? Please help. I’m so confused and lost. This was the guy I thought I was going to marry.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 2:19 pm
Hi Anna,
there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it’s better to do it do you can improve yourself than to keep on chasing him
susan mcdonald
January 3, 2017 at 10:27 pm
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hi, my name is Susan, i have written you before regarding my dilemma, and you gave good advice, back in Oct/Nov-id mentioned i was with my ex from 2012 until July of this year, we had lived together briefly after that, he was not financially stable as i was(we are ten years apart, i’m 10 years older then him), so my ex name is Mel. when i last wrote you it was him saying after the break up in July of 2016 to give him time to get himself together financially and then we can try the relationship again, since after the break up in July, he hadn’t been communicating much with me, texting, calling seeing me as much as i wanted, i would be the one to do that, so the holidays roll around, thanksgiving, Xmas, new years eve, he goes out of town because he has family six hours away from where he lives, he hadn’t invited me to come along, unlike last year i spent all three holidays with him and got to meet his mom that lives out of town and his grandparents, so i said to him can we at least spend one holiday together, he says we will, that would’ve been new years, new years he says we can, he texts me back after i asked where and what time did he want to meet he says i am just going to spend time with my family, so i was very upset and sent him a text like lets throw in the towel on this i’m done, ton top of that i am moving sat Jan 7th and i gave him $60 to help me move and i said in fact don’t bother helping me f**** move, give me back my money and go f*** yourself, he calls and says i said for months give me time to get myself together for financial reasons and you have been pressuring me all this time, you are extremely needy and clingy and immature and need to grow up, your a kid that if they do not get there way they last out, he said i needed you when i was at a down point in my life, all you did was emasculate me because i wasn’t as financial stable as you and kick me out of the house and now you expect me to just forget. i didn’t reply after that so at this point i read your read up on being clingy and how to overcome that, and looking back after the break up he was being pressured by me, because i text him every other day to give me a chance and that he never sees me and doesn’t give me, love, affection and attention and we have no sex life, I’ve made it very clear to him that i have not been dating since the break up in July and he said i just need to relax. my goal this time around is to not call, text and after the move not give him keys, invite him over, ask to hang out which i would do all the time after break p, to mirror his image, so he doesn’t see me as clingy anymore, he even blurted out that is why he became so distant because after break up i was calling and texting and he felt smothered and that i was too old to be acting like that. there would be times he would block me because i would just get so upset with not seeing him and hearing from him i would create a burner number and call him from that and he said that is immature. so since that argument this past weekend, i haven’t called or text and my plan is not until sat for the move, because he is helping me and after that wait 30 days this time and let him see i’m not needy and clingy and immature like he thinks. i just really love him and miss him, he is not dating anyone and he after the break up and having kicked him out he end up staying with a couple that has two kids, i offered that if comes back to live with me, i wont let him feel less then a man, and smother him, he said he would think about it., but that was Thur and the fight was this weekend. at this point what would i do, I’ve realized I’ve been going overboard, what suggestions do you have for me and do you think i can get him back at this point with all the clingy and smothering I’ve been doing.
do you think him still even talking to me is a good thing or he is just doing it out of pity? he has been the only guy I’ve been with since moving from Mass to Florida in 2012. PLEASE I NEED HELP. starting the 30 day no contact rule today Jan 2, but it will be interrupted do to him helping me move on Sat and resume after Jan 8th to Feb 8th, do you think that would even matter after all that’s been going on with us?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2017 at 12:52 pm
Hi Susan,
actually 30 days is not enough if he sees you that way.. It’s just too predictable that everything you’re doing is trying to get him back. Frankly, for someone to believe you have moved on or starting to move on that is in the same case as you, it has to be long time of no contact… maybe 3 months is the least, but realistically it would be 6 months to a year.
Kylie
January 3, 2017 at 9:22 pm
My situation is a little bit tricky. I’m fwb with a guy. It’s been going on for a little over a year now. I met this guy at work. We became pretty good friends and then started hooking up. At first it was once every two weeks, then once a week, and then twice. I’m 21 and he’s 22 and we both go to the same college. When we got closer I suggested we take a class together and at first it seemed like he was unsure but eventually he agreed and we did. This was 6 months in when we started the class. Monday-Thursday we’d go to class, then work, and then I’d go over to his house and spend the night then repeat. During this time everything was going really well. We became really close. I confessed to him that I had lost my virginity to him. Everything was great until I found myself contacting him on Friday-Sunday when we didn’t have school and our work schedules were different that I realized that I would be upset when he didn’t want to/or couldn’t hang out with me. That’s when I started realizing that I was being clingy. This was towards the end of the summer semester. I started contacting him less and I noticed that on days where I wouldn’t text/call him he’d text/call me. Eventually things got weird. We started arguing about stupid things. We’d argue over work and stupid things like that. We started talking about our arguments and tried to fix them. Sometimes we’d be fine for a while but eventually we’d argue about some nonsense. I noticed he started withdrawing from me. I asked him about it and he said it was because “he’d rather deal with not seeing me because it guaranteed that we wouldn’t argue”. Ironically shortly after we both got different jobs. I thought this was a good thing because I realized that a lot of our arguments were work-related so I figured that if we didn’t work together then we wouldn’t argue as much. Boy was I wrong! ( I’ll get into that after this). One night we’re we had both been drinking I told him that I was in love with him. He said he liked me too but that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. ( He had just broken up with his ex of 4 years when we started talking). I started saying “I love you” to him all the time. At first he reciprocated the affection (he never said it back though) and after a couple weeks he began to withdraw from me. I realized I was the only one making an effort to see him or communicate with him. I questioned him about it and he said he felt pressured. During this time I found out that he still kept in contact with his ex. I asked him if he panned on getting back with her. He told me he “didn’t think so but the fact that he still responded to her messages said something”. I KNOW that at this point I probably should be stopped seeing him but I was so in love. Going back to the arguing, we continued to argue A LOT. Our arguments got worse to the point of me going to his house without his consent and him kicking me out and me refusing to leave. We had a bad argument once on a Sunday. I refused to leave his house and he carried me out. When I finally realized how out of control the situation was I panicked. I asked him to call me (I was at work) and after much pleading he did. I begged him to see me after work and he finally accepted. We talked and both apologized for our wrong-doings. He said he needed space so I didn’t contact him for 4 days (I know that’s not much). But we agreed to hangout on Friday. I texted him to see if we were still going to hang out at 5pm and he said yes. So I decided to go and buy drinks for us (we had agreed to drink that night). I texted him when I was at the store to see what he wanted to drink and he didn’t respond. I waited. Texted him at 6:30 to see if we could meet up already and he didn’t respond. I waited. Called him at 7 and no response. Finally at around 9:30 I called and got no answer. I drove by his house and saw that his friends car was there. I was upset cause we had agreed to hangout and it appeared that he had been blowing me off for his friend. I texted him shortly after saying something along the lines of ” if you don’t want to hang out anymore it’s fine. I don’t want to be an annoyance to you” he texted me back and said “that I was doing the most and that of course he didn’t want to hang out with me now” I called him and he didn’t answer. Called again asking him if we could talk. He refused. I went to his house. His friend was leaving when I got there. I asked him if we could talk. He refused initially but then agreed. That ended terribly with him calling the cops on me since I refused to leave. I agreed to leave and he agreed to call me when the cops had left. He called me an hour and a half later. I apologized and in he middle of me explaining myself he hung up on me. I decided not to call him back to give him some time to cool down. When I tried calling him 30 minutes later his phone was off. So I called his house phone and left a message apologizing. I texted him the next day and no response. Called and no answer. Text and called him the day after that and no response. 3 days later I called him and got no answer. 2 days after that I texted him and nothing. 2 days again and nothing. 3 days after that I texted him asking if we could talk. He responded and said he couldn’t because he worked. I asked him if he worked the next day and he said no. So I asked if we could talk and he agreed. I worked that day and got off at 5 so I texted him an hour before I was off to ensure that he still wanted to. No answer. So stayed at work until 5:45 and he called me at the time I got off. We talked and it was weird at frist. He was really distant and then somehow it seemed normal again. I drove home while I was talking to him and when I got near his house asked to see him (his house is on my way to my house)He didn’t really want to but agreed. We talked. We both said we missed each other. We got food and hung out. We ended up sleeping together. I thought things were back to normal but he was really distant now. He wouldn’t respond to a lot of my messages and when he would he’d respond hours later. This was about two weeks ago. We hung out Sunday night and I spent the night. Also last night. I don’t want to jinx it and I know that I could be very wrong but things seem to be going well again. I can see myself getting pushy/clingy again so my dilemma is this: how do I continue this without being like before (clingy and needy) and if possible get him to want to be with me in a real relationship (I could be wrong but I feel like the main reason he wound want to be my boyfriend is because of my clingyness. I’m sure he thinks it would intensify if we were in a REAL relationship.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2017 at 7:56 pm
Hi Kylie,
if you really want a chance for a serious relationship,.dont ever sleep with him. Because, why would he commit when he can knows you’ll give what he’s wants without it? And yes, you’re clinginess is also one of the big reasons he won’t too. How to stop being clingy? Don’t ever demand. First, you’re not together. Second, even if you’re together, it’s not healthy to be too clingy. It shows you make your world revolve around him because you don’t have your own life..