In today’s post I’m going to show you exactly what to do if your ex left you for someone else.

In fact:

The strategies that I’m going to discuss with you today have been used by our clients to successfully win their exes back if they have someone else but as you’re going to find “getting an ex back” really isn’t the point.

Expect us to cover,

• The Correct Use Of No Contact In This Circumstance
• The psychology of “The Being There Method”
• The Anxious vs. Avoidant Volatility
• Your Own Secure Attachment Can Intimidate The New Person

Let’s begin.

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Handling The No Contact Rule If You’ve Been Replaced By Someone Else

There is perhaps no greater pain than going through a breakup only to find you’ve been replaced by someone else. I was scrolling through our private facebook support group this morning and stumbled across this heartbreaking scenario.

Essentially you have our girl who gets her ex back and then goes through another breakup again. She then finds out he goes back to his ex.

The gamut of emotions she is experiencing is pretty common.

• She’s worried she’s the rebound
• Upset that she wants someone back that treated her this way
• Wonders if the new person is a rebound
• If so, will this new relationship last?
• She wants closure

Like I said it’s incredibly painful.

Generally speaking in situations like this the starting point is always the same if you want your ex back or if you’re trying to get over them.

We recommend longer periods of no contact. Watch the video below if you don’t know what a no contact rule is.

(Quick Primer: we have three versions of a no contact rule. The 21 day rule, the 30 day rule and the 45 day rule.)

Our research has indicated that you’re almost always better off with the longer version of no contact, the 45 day rule, if your ex has moved on to someone else.

Why?

Well, the worst time to get back in touch with your ex is if they’re in the midst of a honeymoon period with someone new. Generally speaking they aren’t going to hold a high opinion of you. Maybe they’re taken with the grass is greener syndrome and feeling themselves that “they made the right decision.” Then again, the grass is always greener on the other side at first. That’s the irony no one ever talks about. Time is undefeated in that regard.

As time creeps forward only then can perspective be had.

It also helps that most of our successful clients whose exes have moved on to someone else employed longer periods of no contact.

So, why is it that the fail rate is so high?

Well, I think it’s because people completely miss the point of what they need to be doing for 45 days. Actually that’s not entirely true either. Many people know they are just scared to take a chance and do it. Yet it’s the ones that do that are forever altered by the experience.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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This is why I think our method of no contact is wildly more successful than anyone else’s. You see, when most people out there order you to do a no contact rule they miss out on the most important element of it.

Self growth.

Cliche, right?

But really you need to be using no contact to figure out if you even want your ex back. You also need to put the work in to identify your attachment style and begin improving it.

Let’s talk a bit about attachment styles.

Why Attachment Styles Matters When Your Ex Moves On To Someone Else

Before we talk about anything actionable you can do we first need to go through the education process of why attachment styles is the most important concept for you to grasp what is going on in your exes mind.

I’d like to take that example I referenced above to illustrate my point. This morning when I stumbled across that clients question I responded.

I disagreed with her thinking that she was a rebound due to how long she was with him (over a year.) Furthermore looking at his actions he struck me as the type of guy always needing to be in a relationship. I think asked the poster if he had ever had an extended period where he was alone.

She responded that he hadn’t.

Now, how did I know that about him?

Well, I’m well versed in fearful avoidant attachment behavior. If you’re looking for a rundown on what that can look like I’d suggest reading this article from mind body green. Essentially here are the behaviors to look out for with a fearful avoidant.

• Feeling unsatisfied in relationships (because he cheated)
• Having a high number of partners (because he’s bouncing from relationship to relationship)
• Negative view of themselves (because he doesn’t want to be alone)

Here’s what you need to know about fearful avoidants. They exist within an interesting contradiction. They don’t want to be in a relationship and yet they can’t be alone. So, to me this means they are constantly trying to find something or someone to regulate their pain.

All of this can be learned for free by just putting some work in and learning about attachment styles.

Now, how does this affect you?

Well, once you have an understanding of how attachment styles works you can learn to speak your exes language. You do this via the being there method.

The Psychology Of The Being There Method

Let’s start first by defining what the being there method is.

The being there method is a strategy where you purposefully compete with your exes new person from an investment standpoint.

So, let’s say that your ex broke up with you last week and moved on to someone else. Most people exhibit anxious behaviors.

• They blow their exes phone up
• They harass their ex for hurting them
• Some will beg for their ex back
• Some will directly contact the other woman and try to scare her away

This obviously doesn’t work.

So, what does?

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Well, one of the things that makes the being there method so fascinating is that it’s rooted in attachment theory.

Consider for a moment that roughly half of the population has a secure attachment and half of the population has an insecure attachment.

Yet there’s a flaw with looking at this phenomenon in such black or white terms.

The Fixed Vs. Fluid Debate

What people always neglect in that definition is that your attachment style isn’t fixed, it’s fluid. This means that every relationship experience you have can push you towards being more secure or insecure. Generally speaking we find that most of our clients have insecure attachments (anxious) when we work with them.

Why?

They’ve just been through a breakup of course. They’re completely shaped by that relationship since it’s fresh.

What makes the being there method really work is that it’s all about helping you shift towards being more secure and having the person they are with become more insecure because of it.

Ok, time for me to tell you a story.

I’ve always considered myself pretty secure. I had a great childhood and my parents taught me patience. They were supportive. I was ok with being alone. I was also ok with being in relationships, at least I thought I was.

I got my first girlfriend at 18 and it was truly a transformative experience.

I went through the typical teenage puppy love phases. There was the honeymoon period. This part where you think that all relationships are supposed to feel this way. My relationship with this girl just went like this for months until we got into our first fight.

It left such an impression on me because it literally became an experience that informed my attachment style towards being more secure and loving to insecure and anxious.

Essentially my girlfriend at the time was at a party and I wasn’t around. I found out later that she (and a bunch of other girls) slept over a guys house. Not necessarily a huge deal but the guy in question was someone my girlfriend had a massive crush on. It immediately caused me to put up walls.

Over time as that relationship played out I found that I became more and more anxious.

Jealousy overtook me and I would start fights because I was horrible at communicating my needs.

Looking back at that time there was enough blame to go around but I was no saint. In fact, I was so insecure with myself I became someone I didn’t recognize.

I tell you this story not to connect with you but to show you the power relationships have over your attachment styles.

Of course, the inverse is also true.

While it’s possible to have a relationship to make you more anxious or avoidant it’s also possible to have a relationship impact you positively.

How A Secure Attachment Intimidates The Anxious Attachment New Person

Let’s say that your ex has a perfect world.

He’s dating someone secure and he’s unbelievably happy.

You on the other hand are left heartbroken and anxious about things.

But you learn about the being there method.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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So, you spend all of your time pursuing ways that you can become more secure yourself.

You start finding a purpose in your life that you care about more than your ex and start pursuing it.

You stay in touch with your ex. You don’t try to win them back but you simply just have more meaningful conversations with them.

The new person pays attention to this and their attachment style begins to shift and become more and more anxious.

This isn’t lost on your ex as they notice this person that they thought was so perfect begin to crumble.

That’s the power of the being there method.

It’s all predicated on attachment styles and having your presence be so strong that the new person naturally becomes intimidated.

The Dual Purpose Of Being There

Of course, the being there method only really works if you put the work in on all the aspects of your life that have nothing to do with your ex. Kind of odd, right? The key to making yourself more desirable to your ex is to stop focusing on your ex.

Yet there’s a dual purpose at play here.

Let’s back up and pretend we’re in the midst of a no contact rule.

This is the true period of time where you decide if you are going to try to win your ex back or simply try to move on with your life.

Well, no matter what you choose as long as you stay true to the self growth mindset that’s really needed to shift your attachment style back towards being more secure you are going to make progress in both ways.

Getting over your ex is simply a matter of healing from the breakup and the way to do that is to help correct your anxious attachment style tendencies so that the next time you get into a relationship you aren’t plaguing that relationship with them.

Getting your ex back is simply a matter of making yourself more desirable to that ex by improving your attachment style towards being more secure.

I know I sound like a broken record but we’ve seen this stuff work for our clients time and time again.

So, what’s stopping you from even trying?