Today I’d like to talk about how to know if your ex is actually interested in you versus them just being nice to you in the post breakup period.

Now, usually my “go to” tactic to get to the heart of the matter in situations like these is to point out,

The Words Vs. Actions Philosophy: Basically understanding that someone’s words don’t really mean much in the grand scheme of things. Rather, their actions do. So, if your ex says one thing but does another then the thing to pay attention to is what they actually do.

But I wanted to provide more depth to this discussion. So, I spent half a day thinking through the major signs that exes exhibit when they are responding to you to “just be nice.”

1. The Core Four With Texting Aren’t Present
2. There Is No Interest At All In Your Personal Life
3. They Make The Climb Up The Value Ladder Impossible
4. They Consistently Remind You That You Are Broken Up
5. They Are Breadcrumbing

Like always, let’s begin!

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Sign #1: The Core Four With Texting Aren’t Present

Generally speaking, there are four signs that are present when texting seems to be going well.

1. Your exes word count eclipses your own
2. The text ratio is equal or better than yours
3. Their response time is equal or better than yours
4. The depth of conversation is about topics that both parties find enjoyable

I call these the core four. If things are going well in someone’s “get your ex back” campaign then you’ll usually find that these four criteria are being met.

But let’s play devils advocate for a moment.

What would the core four actually look like if your ex is just responding to be nice?

Word Count

Well, for one your exes word count would most likely be less than yours in a text.

But I’ve seen situations where exes will literally only respond with one word texts.

The Text Ratio

Ok, ladies and gents.

This is the chart to abide by,

If you are in that “not good” range then guess what, it’s usually a sign that things are not going well.

The Response Time

I’m going to speak a bit personally now.

I definitely have avoidant tendencies. Literally at this very moment someone from work wants something from me. I know what they want, I’ve agreed to do it and I will do it.

However, I don’t want to do it, right now.

But they keep texting me about it.

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And I keep avoiding it.

I don’t really know why. But the way I’m handling it made me think of this situation. Days will go by before I respond to them. It’s nothing personal against them.

I don’t want to be rude. I want to be nice.

Here’s my point. Exes who are just being nice will do the same thing. They’ll respond to you but their response times will be crazy long.

The Depth Of Conversation Is Lacking

You: Hi there!

Them: Sup?

You: Did you see the latest episode of (insert fav show)

Them: I did. It was good.

You: What was your favorite part.

Them: The thing in the room.

You: Ya, that was cool.

If this conversation is giving you PTSD then you are falling victim to the depth of conversation issue. Basically, your entire interaction with them can’t get out of the small talk phase.

Sign #2: They Show No Interest In Your Personal Life And Then Make The Conversation About Them

Let’s say that you achieve this amazing thing at work and get a promotion.

You post about it all over social media.

Everyone congratulates you.

Even your ex.

However, when you go to talk with your ex it’s never mentioned. In fact, the entire time you are talking to them you find that they don’t really ask any questions about you at all.

Instead, they are far more focused on their own problems.

One of the things that I always end up doing with clients is help them audit their texts.

When it comes to relationships we humans are almost always self interested.

Thus, you’ll find that a lot of texts contain the wrong type of pronouns.

• I
• Me
• My

Instead, what I always try to do with my clients is make the conversation all about their exes at first because usually that helps open the conversation up. That means clients should be using a lot of second person pronouns,

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• You
• Your

But we can actually turn this logic upside down.

Usually when an ex is responding by being nice they aren’t going to show a lot of interest into YOUR personal life. They’ll respond to you, do enough to make it seem like they are interested and then the conversation inevitably turns to their problems.

You essentially become relegated to being an emotional crutch for them.

Not a great place to be.

Sign #3: They Make The Climb Up The Value Ladder Impossible

If you aren’t familiar with my world famous value ladder then get ready, I’m about to go deep.

Take a look at this graphic,

This is the value ladder and there are really five main parts to it.

• The no contact rule
• The texting phase
• The phone call phase
• The meetup phase
• The ask phase

Here’s what’s interesting though. Take a look at the graphic below again,

Each of those red lines represent a barrier. Over the years I’ve always noticed that these barriers pop up in the transitionary points from one part of the ladder to the next.

Basically, in order to get an ex back (assuming that’s what you want) you have to find a way to jump these hurdles.

Here’s the thing though about an ex who is just responding to you to be nice.

They won’t let you pass the hurdles.

At best, they’ll let you in to the texting phase.

But that transitionary texting to calling phase. Ya, that’s a hurdle you can’t seem to pass, no matter how hard you try.

Sign #4: They Consistently Remind You That You Are Broken Up

I’m pulling from my personal life for this one.

When I was 21 years old I went on a date with a very nice girl I met in college.

Looking back, I was rude on the date because I felt the need to consistently remind her that “we were just friends.”

She didn’t even try anything though. She was just pleasant.

But I suppose my reasoning made some kind of sense. My best bud at the time had gotten a date and wanted to see a movie. He invited me but basically told me that the only way I could come without it being awkward for his date was if I had a date as well.

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“Get to work Chris and find a girl so I can actually invite you.”

So, I did just that. I asked a girl who was a friend of mine that I had met in a college class.

She agreed.

I thought to myself, sweet.

But there was a stipulation. Her parents, who she was living with at the time, were incredibly strict about her dating. The stipulation was simple, I had to meet her parents before I could take her out.

So, I did and it was super awkward because I couldn’t understand why they would be so protective of a woman who was 21 years old.

(Now that I have two daughters I understand.)

Nevertheless, as I met her parents and they made an overly big deal about the “date” I started worrying that this girl would get the wrong idea about my intentions.

So, after I met the parents, my own insecurity about the situation kept causing me to say on repeat, “We are just friends.”

I cringe thinking about it now.

Sign #5: They Are Breadcrumbing

I’m cheating with this one because technically the intent of the ex isn’t to be nice at all. It’s to do something else.

However, I see a lot of people misunderstanding an exes “nice” actions as being authentic when they are definitely not.

So, quick crash course, what is bread crumbing?

Breadcrumbing: A tactic used by exes does just enough to make you think they are interested in “re-pursuing” a relationship with you. To keep you on the hook, so to speak. However, usually that ex hasn’t decided whether they want to pursue you romantically just yet. They are keeping their options open.

What you’ll often see here is the whole mixed signals thing.

One minute you’ll think your ex wants you back.

The next, they’ll disown you.

And it’s here that we come full circle because the best way to “cut through” the BS is to simply employ the “words vs actions” approach.