One of the questions I’ve been fascinated with for the past few years is figuring out if 30 days is too long for a no contact rule.
In this article I’m not only going to make the case that 30 days isn’t too long for the no contact rule but it may in fact be too short.
I’m going to do this by taking a look at the following things,
- Cutting Through The BS Surrounding The Breakup Industry And The No Contact Rule
- Looking At What Really Works About The No Contact Rule
- Helping You Understand The Three Timeframes
- Why Longer No Contact Rules Are More Consistent Among Success Stories
There’s a lot to cover here so buckle up.
Cutting Through The BS Of The Breakup Industry And The No Contact Rule
Lately I’ve been very vocal at calling out how the breakup industry, aka, people who sell products within it have been manipulating you with the no contact rule specifically.
Let’s jump in a time machine and talk about something seemingly unrelated to breakups, conversion rates.
(I promise it relates)
I first started this website in 2012 and one of the things I learned really quickly was that if you wanted to turn it into a full time gig you had to learn how to “sell” to people.
So, I wrote an E-Book and decided to sell it. I didn’t know anything about conversion rates so I put together a really quick “sales page” that looked like it was straight out of the stone ages,
I mean look at that.
That was my website back in 2013. Pretty bad, right? Anyways, it really wasn’t until someone well known in the “breakup industry” pulled me aside and said,
“Dude, your stuff is good but you need to learn to sell it. You should look into video sales letters.”
“Video sales letters? What’s that?”
What it is, is a 20-40 minute video whose whole intent is to sell a product in a very… Well, let’s just say sleezy way. Targeting fears of individuals, settling on magic bullet promises. If you’ve ever been to a website that’s nothing but a page with a video pitch and it won’t let you click the back button to escape, that’s a video sales letter.
No one could possibly fall for that, right?
So, I resisted the advice from the industry member and continued on with my way of doing this. Trying to be authentic and then a funny thing happened.
Curiosity began to kick in. What if the video sales letter outperformed my authenticity?
Look at all the money I could be leaving on the table.
And so I did a test. I created a video sales letter,
Yep, I did the whole, aggravate your audiences fears. Show them what could happen if they use your product but on steroids thing.
And the conversion rate on it absolutely blew my authentic sales page out of the water.
You see, the key to these video sales letters is essentially framing your “advice” as a magic bullet solution that will solve your customers problem.
Now, I was careful not to make any guarantees or promises in my video sales letter. I’m too experienced in how hard the post breakup period is for most people to do that to them.
But what’s interesting is that I see many of my competitors framing the no contact rule as the magic bullet solution.
Which essentially creates a false expectation that all one needs to do to get an ex back is complete a no contact rule.
The truth is that too often I find the breakup industry is a profits over people business and something about that strikes me as morally wrong.
I subscribe more to the,
“Sell them what they want, teach them what they need” approach
So ya, I’ll play the game to get the sale. It is a business after all but one thing no one can ever accuse me of is under delivering on a product.
I don’t make guarantees.
I don’t make promises.
And I cut to the heart of the matter.
Just like what I’m about to do here.
Here’s What Really Works With The No Contact Rule
Most of the industry is lying to you about the no contact rule.
Most of what you read on Google about it is not based on real life data.
The unfortunate expectation people have when they come into our ecosystem is that what matters with the no contact rule is the fact that ignoring your ex will make your ex miss you.
Technically speaking it can but that’s a symptom of the no contact rule. It’s not what really works. Take a look at my official definition of the no contact rule,
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
It’s that “outgrowing your ex” part that matters most of all. This is not something I’m saying because it sounds good. No, it’s what really works.
All one needs to do is simply listen to a bunch of our success stories and hear from real life people who are doing the no contact rule.
Consistently the one pattern we see among success stories is that each one go to this place where they felt “ungettable.” They felt like they didn’t need their ex anymore.
Perhaps no one embodies this more than our success story interview with Lee,
If you watch the whole interview through you’ll find that not only did she get her ex back after the no contact rule but she literally decided she didn’t want him back anymore because of the “ungettable persona” she acheived during it.
He was no longer good enough for her.
THIS is the power of the no contact rule. It’s about shedding your reliance on your ex and instead investing in yourself.
Getting to that place emotionally where you don’t really want your ex back anymore.
Ironically, once you get to this place guess who wants you back?
So, if that’s the real power of the no contact rule then is 30 days too short or too long?
Taking A Hard Look At The Three No Contact Timeframes
Officially we have three time frames with regards to how long you do a no contact for.
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
Each of the time frames has a different criteria for what’s required to do it. For example, the 30 day rule is standard for the majority of individuals. However, if you have an ex who is extremely anxious we’ve seen some decent results but doing a 21 day rule.
Now, the question posed at the beginning of this article was if the standard 30 day no contact rule was too long.
I’m going to make the argument that I believe both the 21 day rules and 30 day rules are too short.
In fact, the more data that continues to come in the more I become convinced that 45 days should be the new standard. I’m still looking at this but early returns are pretty clear.
And this is actually backed up by real life success stories.
Why Longer No Contact Rules Are More Common Among Our Success Stories
This is a bit complicated to get into but I’ll do my best to convey what I’m seeing.
We’re extremely proud of our success stories,
And one of the interesting things we’ve noticed among them is the fact that they usually employed longer no contacts between 30-45 days.
Generally speaking though they attempt to do a no contact rule of 30 days but somewhere along the way they break it and have to start over again.
So, when it’s all said and done many of our success stories have been in no contact for upwards of 45-55 days because of the constant starts and stops.
And this seems to be consistent with the polls I’ve done in our private facebook group about how many of our clients actually break no contact,
The poll is a little hard to follow because we gave participants the option to add answers but ultimately if you divide them up into two categories,
- Percentage of people who stayed in no contact: 70%
- Percentage of people who broke no contact: 30%
(A few answers weren’t included in my screenshot but I added them in there for you)
My point is that a good portion of our success stories had to add additional days into their no contact rule which extended the time.
What’s interesting about studying these individuals is that usually they needed the time. Remember, the no contact rule isn’t super effective until you can “outgrow” your ex.
That takes time.
Sometimes more than 30 days.
And that’s the part of this whole thing that gets lost consistently. The no contact rule won’t be effective until you do that. Sure, there are always outliers. There are always those stories you hear of a person doing the no contact rule for a week and then suddenly their ex comes back.
But those are the exceptions and not the rule.
Here’s the rule, longer no contact periods often give you more of an opportunity to get to that place where your ex is no longer on the pedestal.
That should be your focus.
Everything else is a distraction.