There seems to be a dangerous misconception making the rounds on the internet lately. It’s this idea that an ex (or a guy) who blocks you, actually loves you.
As if they’re just playing some weird reverse psychology trick on you. Well, today I’d actually like to peel back the layers on this onion and take an in-depth look at what’s really going on with a guy when he blocks you.
So, I’d like to divide this article up into three distinct parts
- Answering The Question On If A Man Blocking You Actually Means He Loves You
- The Important Role Avoidant Behavior Plays Into Blocking
- Why The Mere Act Of Obsessing About This Is Setting You Back
Let’s just dive right in.
Does Him Blocking You Actually Mean He Loves You?
My team and I have been studying breakups for close to ten years. So, it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve seen a lot of situations.
Obviously the art of the “block” is one of the most feared outcomes for our clients. So, where exactly did this phenomenon of thinking a guy who blocks you actually meaning he loves you come from.
Well, here’s the trajectory I’ve seen with my clients.
- Your ex blocks you
- Psychological reactance takes hold of you causing you to grow a bit desperate
- You hyper focus on the “good moments” of the relationship
- Specifically where he tells you he loves you
- You do some research and see that all the experts suggest that the opposite of love isn’t anger, it’s indifference
And it’s that last statement where things get interesting because technically an ex blocking you is them taking an action that enables them to be indifferent towards you going forward.
But no one really views blocking as an indifferent action anymore. It’s viewed as an angry one.
And that leads us to the carrot,
The one that says that an ex angrily blocking you actually means they love you.
I don’t necessarily agree with that statement. I think it’s a stretch based on a flawed premise.
The reason most people “block” is due to an avoidant trigger they may have not because they love you.
The Important Role Avoidant Behavior Plays Into Blocking
Last year I wrote and filmed a lot on the topic of avoidants,
In fact, I personally believe that the first thing everyone who is new to my program or new to my website should be doing is going through a crash course on avoidant behavior.
Well, maybe the fact that most of our clients say their exes are avoidant is a big reason.
So, here’s what we know about avoidants.
Each avoidant has the same core wound. A deep fear of losing their independence.
And each avoidant experiences some variation of the following circular pattern if you will,
- The avoidant wants someone to love them
- They find you and believe their troubles are over
- They notice some worrying things
- This causes them to think of leaving
- They actually leave
- They are happy they left
- They start to feel lonely
- They wonder why this always happens to them
So, if you look closely at the graphic above you’ll notice that things start to turn on the avoidant right around stage seven.
The moment they start to grow a little lonely.
And we see this play out all the time in actual situations where our own clients have been blocked by an avoidant. One of the things you’ll constantly hear me say is that the best way to get unblocked is to simply do nothing.
Just live your life.
Let the avoidant go through the death wheel above.
Eventually stage seven will hit and they’ll unblock you. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, check out this poll I conducted last year,
Close to 70% of participants admitted that their exes unblocked them.
And this is where that assumption of them still being in love with you comes into play but I wouldn’t call it love. Not yet, at least.
More than anything this just solidifies that an avoidant is a slave to their avoidant programming.
But you aren’t fully interested in that, are you?
No, what you really want is the secret sauce on how to get a long term commitment. How to get a guy to fall in love and propose.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot and honestly I think it all boils down to one thing.
Most Of The Women I’ve Coached Obsess About The Wrong Things
Now, this isn’t an indictment of women in general. In fact, I think most women in the dating world actually have the right way of looking at things.
However, most of the women that frequent this website, by their own admission, have anxious attachment tendencies,
One of the classifying markers of someone with this type of attachment style is the following core wound,
Core Wound: Terrified of being abandoned.
And as you might have guessed having an ex block you is something that directly triggers that core wound for an anxious attachment style.
This leads most of my clients down what I consider to be a dangerous path. One fraught with,
We’ve all seen the meme online of the ex girlfriend who went crazy after a breakup blowing her exes phone up. More than likely this “crazy” person isn’t really crazy. Their anxious attachment got triggered and they’re reacting the only way they know how.
They want to fix things.
And they want to turn over every stone to do it.
But I’m getting a bit off topic. I’d actually like to turn my attention to a statement I made above.
I argue that the best way to get “unblocked” by an ex is to do nothing at all. Simply wait and trust that the avoidant attachment death wheel will do its work for you.
I then went on to show you internal research that basically backed my point up. However, I was being a bit heavy handed.
I was leaving out half the equation.
When someone enters my orbit and is serious about ex recovery the one thing I am very adamant about doing is ensuring that they reorient their world.
One analogy that I’ve used often is the solar system analogy. A huge pitfall that I’ve noticed women fall into when they’ve been blocked is their entire world revolves around the person that blocked them.
Much like the planets orbiting around a sun.
Your entire life revolves around your ex.
Or more to the point,
I know my ex loves me so how can I get my ex to unblock me?
But I’ve already established that I don’t think your ex loves you if he blocks you. Besides, in most cases what can cause an ex to block you is if they see that your solar system revolves around them.
Perhaps its flattering at first but over time you sort of lose respect for that person. It’s the classic case of a man getting everything he wished for in a woman and then taking it for granted.
It also has a bit to do with that pedestal effect concept I’ve talked about in videos before,
We always want to be dating someone above our weight class. Someone that we hold on a pedestal. Though situations like that tend to be incredibly rare so most of us are just happy to be dating someone “equal” to us.
What we don’t want is someone that we think we are better than.
They lose value in that circumstance.
What men really want is a woman who they admire.
A woman with her own solar system.
But how do you get your own solar system.
Well, I think it starts in the most unlikely of places.
- It starts with your ability to live for more than your ex.
- It starts with you becoming someone to be admired.
And this is where I think I lose most people because they think I’m saying that they’re not good enough the way they are currently.
That’s simply not true.
Being someone admired simply means you accomplish your trinity goals.
My concept of the holy trinity has gone viral because its a concept that really works.
Essentially you divide your life into three distinct parts,
Now, originally in 2013 when I thought up the concept I made it all about balancing the three areas. I talk about their interconnectedness and how when one goes up the others can go up or how when one goes down the other can go down.
And that’s all still true.
But I’m not sure that’s helpful for most of the people reading this.
There’s a more important step that I don’t often talk about.
Setting a global goal for each area of the trinity.
So, I’ll use myself as an example. My global goals for the trinity are,
- Health: Compete In An Iron Man World Championship Event
- Wealth: Have A Net Worth Of 100 Million
- Relationship: Be Married Until The Day I Die
So, really, the trinity is about dreams. It’s about setting specific goals to help you achieve your dreams in every important area of your life.
And honestly a global trinity goal needs to sound ridiculous otherwise it isn’t going to be good enough. It literally needs to be the type of goal that others scoff at because they don’t think they can achieve it.
THIS is what you should be obsessing about after a breakup. Not an ex. Not what he’s up to. Not if he loves you even though he blocked you.
Doing the trinity work is what creates the spark for him to fall back in love with you.
Your challenge is you just have to be willing to put in the time to start climbing toward your global trinity goals.