By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 1st, 2023

Today we’re going to be talking about situations where you miss your ex who dumped you.

I think there’s really a number of ways that we can look at this, but I think the smartest way to approach this is first by:

  1. Trying to understand why you’re likely missing your ex so much
  2. And then taking you through a game plan or strategy on what you should be doing whether or not you either want to get your ex back or just simply move on.

Luckily for you I’ve created a simple five step plan for dealing with an ex who dumped you.

  1. Understand That We Employ A Two Pronged Approach
  2. Implement A Period Of No Contact
  3. The Importance Of Sticking To A Daily Routine
  4. Talk About Your Breakup With Likeminded People
  5. Begin Your Climb Up The Value Ladder (If You Want Them Back)

But before we go through that let’s first answer why your are likely missing your ex so much.

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This Is Why You’re Likely Missing Your Ex So Much

When you go through a breakup, your cortisol shoots way up.

I wrote an article about this a few years ago called The Anatomy of a Breakup, and I put together these really cool graphics that looked at what the neurochemicals going on throughout your body actually look like on the outset of a relationship,

During a relationship,

And after a relationship,

And what’s really fascinating is when the relationship is over, all of the neurochemicals go down with the exception of cortisol. Cortisol shoots way, way up.

Now, cortisol is most commonly referred to as the stress hormone, and there was an article written a few days ago where I was looking at cortisol and its connection to depression, and researchers have found a connection where people who have high cortisol levels are more prone to depression.

Interestingly, if your cortisol stays in an elevated state, it can be harder for it to come down.

There was actually an article written a few years ago called Six Ways to Get Your Stress Hormones Under Control.

In the article, Dr. Jamie Lee, a medical doctor and founder of workplace wellness company Health Quotient, was quoted as saying,

Traditionally, it can take three to four hours for your cortisol levels to return to normal after a stress response, like an argument or a high-stakes meeting. But if your levels have been high for some time, it can take up to six months for them to balance out.

So basically what this means is if you’re really missing your ex a lot, the more you dwell on your ex in that post-breakup period, the more that your cortisol level will stay high, and it will stay in that elevated state for a longer period of time.

And this is the primary reasons for why you probably miss your ex so much.

The Impact of Society and Anxious Attachment Style

Unfortunately society doesn’t do us any favors.

  • We’re constantly checking our phones all the time.
  • We’re constantly checking social media all the time.

And when you go through a breakup, this is exponentially worse.

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You’re spying on your ex.

You’re trying to figure out what they’re up to.

Are they dating someone?

Oh no, they are dating someone.

And all of this just helps keep your cortisol in an elevated state, which makes you not only more depressed, but causes you more stress, which ultimately makes you miss your ex more.

We’ve studied thousands of people who are going through breakups, and what we find is that the vast majority of people who are going through our program, who are going through breakups, tend to have an anxious attachment style,

This means they’re more prone to worry about what their ex is up to without them, which causes them to constantly look at their ex’s social media profiles and keep tabs on them.

And this ultimately causes cortisol to go way up and stay in this elevated state.

So it becomes this almost self-filling cycle that is really difficult to get out of.

Of course, now that we know why you miss your ex let’s address the other big elephant in the room. What the heck are you supposed to do about it?

Here’s What You Should Do If You Miss Your Ex Who Dumped You

In my opinion, there are five important steps that you need to take.

  1. Understand That We Employ A Two Pronged Approach
  2. Implement A Period Of No Contact
  3. The Importance Of Sticking To A Daily Routine
  4. Talk About Your Breakup With Likeminded People
  5. Begin Your Climb Up The Value Ladder (If You Want Them Back)

Let’s dig in and talk about each one of these steps.

Step #1: Understand That We Employ A Two Pronged Approach

One of the really interesting things that surprised me when I would interview people who came through our program and successfully won their exes back would be that they won their exes back by simply working very hard to get over their ex.

Thus, we’ve changed our approach to breakups.

It used to be we were very dead set on helping people try to win exes back, you know, looking at manipulation tactics, looking at what works with conversations and things like that.

But our approach now has shifted.

We’re no longer so interested in getting exes back. I mean, sure, that’s sometimes what we do. A huge portion of our entire business revolves around that.

But I think you need to have a two-pronged approach to anything in the post-breakup period.

Number one, if you want to get your ex back, we recommend that you move on first before you reach out. I talk about that extensively in this video,

And number two is if you want to move on from your ex, well, then great, you’re already moving on.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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So with this in mind, we’re kind of killing two birds with one stone.

The great irony of Ex Recovery is that the very best way to get an ex back is to first get to a place emotionally where you’ve outgrown them. This is the hard part. My recommendation is that you don’t really make a decision fully on whether or not you should try to get your ex back until after you’ve fully completed a no-contact rule.

And that just happens to be step number two.

Step #2: Implement A No Contact Rule

In my opinion, the no-contact rule should be the foundation for everyone in a post-breakup period.

So here’s our official definition of the no-contact rule;

The no-contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. Now the intent of this tactic should not be used to make your ex miss you, but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. And by doing this, the no-contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

So generally speaking, with the no-contact rule, we’re looking at three specific timeframes.

  1. A 21-day rule, which is ideal for people who have an anxious or fearful ex.
  2. A 30-day rule, which is ideal for people who have a secure attachment style ex.
  3. Or a 45-day rule, which is ideal for people who have a dismissive avoidant ex.

Now remember, the part that most people get wrong with the no-contact rule is they use the no-contact rule as a means to make their ex miss them. But the reality is you’ll get so much more out of it if you don’t care about making your ex miss you.

You care about moving on from your ex.

Which sounds a little counterintuitive, but it does work because we’ve found that people who do end up successfully outgrowing their ex are actually exponentially much more likely to make that ex miss them.

And that leads us to step number three.

Step #3: The Importance Of Sticking To A Daily Routine

So step number three is the importance of sticking to a daily routine during no contact.

When I was looking around for research for this article, I stumbled across this really fascinating PDF from McGill University.

And basically they had someone go through and look at the 20 best strategies for surviving a breakup. But what’s interesting is most of the strategies, in my opinion, kind of fell flat.

They didn’t add anything new.

You know, they were very basic, like,

  • feel your feelings
  • don’t fight your feelings
  • openly discuss your feelings
  • write out your thoughts and feelings.
  • Don’t personalize the loss.

(Side Note: I crossed them out for humor, not because I necessarily disagree.)

It just sounds like every other Google article that you are stumbling across when you’re looking for help. But the one thing that I thought they said that was incredibly insightful or incredibly valuable was the importance of sticking to a daily routine.

And that’s because there are some really huge major benefits to sticking to a daily routine.

Most of the people who come through us are in a very chaotic time of their life. They’ve gone through a breakup and half of the job I have is trying to teach them to wrangle in all the chaos around them.

One of the best ways that you can do that during a no contact rule specifically is sticking to a consistent daily routine.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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There are some major benefits like,

  • It will provide you with stability during an unstable time.
  • It will improve your focus and productivity.
  • It will allow you to have time for self care.
  • You’ll have ultimately better sleep.
  • You’ll reduce rumination.
  • You won’t think about them as much.
  • And it allows you to build new habits that will allow you to outgrow your ex.

So my recommendation is to take out a piece of paper and start writing down what your new routine is.

If you want to get really granular with it, one of the big concepts that we teach our clients to engage in during the no contact rule is this concept of the Holy Trinity.

If you’re an avid reader of my website or you’ve watched my YouTube channel, this shouldn’t seem like anything new to you.

Basically the Holy Trinity is looking at your life and dividing it up into three distinct categories

  1. health
  2. wealth
  3. and relationships

There’s an interesting synergy between these three.

  1. When one goes down, the others are negatively affected.
  2. When one goes up, the others are positively affected even if you don’t think they will be.

So the reason I’m saying you need to incorporate this into your daily routine is because it will help you understand the types of habits and types of things that you should be focused on.

  1. You definitely want to have a block of time set aside for working out.
  2. You definitely want to have a block of time set up for spending time with friends or family.
  3. You definitely want to have a block blocked out for wealth based things

But the key thing with the Holy Trinity is always trying to find a balance. So structure your entire routine around trying to achieve a balance and then just stick to that routine.

Going back on the habit rule, we know that it’s not going to be one, two, three or even 21 days before this new habit sticks.

Most likely you will be consistently sticking to this routine even after your no contact rule is up because we found that the average time that it takes to make or break a habit is 66 days.

Let’s move on to step four.

Step #4: Surround Yourself With Likeminded People

I came across this research study in Sage Journals that argued that participating in research on romantic breakups promotes emotional recovery via changes in self concepts and clarity.

Basically what that means is it’s arguing that reflecting on a recent breakup can help speed up the healing process.

What I’m about to say is going to sound like a shameless self promotion, but it’s true.

If you actually watch the interviews I do with success stories, one of the things that they’re raving about isn’t necessarily our program, it’s our community.

The fact that they’re surrounded by individuals who will not only support them but hold them accountable is a significant advantage.

One of my favorite aspects of our community is that you’ll be surrounding yourself with like-minded people who are going through the same experiences as you. Whether they know exactly what to do in a breakup or are struggling just as much as you, you can both learn from and help each other.

What makes our community truly special is its three layers of accountability.

When you join, you have peer-to-peer accountability, where like-minded individuals going through the same situation can hold you accountable.

Additionally, there is accountability from veteran members who have been part of the community for months or even years, offering their knowledge and support.

Lastly, expert accountability comes from moderators, coaches, myself, or my wife, who founded the community.

This multi-layered approach provides a safe space for expressing your emotions, journaling your feelings, and holding yourself accountable, ultimately preventing impulsive actions like incessantly contacting your ex or succumbing to anxious tendencies.

Moreover, the research I cited above promotes the idea that participating in a community can help process and deal with the emotions following a breakup.

This brings us to step number five.

The Climb Up The Value Ladder

After completing the no-contact rule, it is crucial to make a decision—whether you want to reconcile with your ex or move on. If your goal is to get your ex back, the logical next step is to start ascending the value ladder.

The value ladder is a simple strategy we employ to regain an ex’s affection.

The concept is straightforward: you utilize different communication methods to gradually increase your value in your ex’s eyes, with the hope of rekindling their love for you.

There are four main methods of communication in the value ladder:

  1. texting,
  2. calling/Skyping/FaceTiming,
  3. meeting up,
  4. and going on romantic dates.

Each phase focuses on building value and strengthening the connection. The meetup phase, for instance, is a non-romantic, non-threatening encounter where you can physically interact without pressuring your ex. The final phase entails going on romantic dates, with the aim of either your ex asking for reconciliation or finding the right moment to make your own request.

This comprehensive strategy is what we teach when it comes to winning an ex back or climbing the value ladder. If, after going through the previous steps, you still want your ex back at the end of the no-contact period, then it’s time to begin climbing the ladder. However, if you’ve followed the steps and decided that you don’t want your ex back, then you can focus solely on moving forward with your life, skipping the value ladder altogether.

Here’s the crucial point: you should only start climbing the value ladder when you are emotionally in a place where you’re okay, where you have moved on from your ex. This is often overlooked, but it is absolutely essential for any of this to work. Prioritizing self-care and being emotionally stable should always come first before attempting to win your ex back. That’s the aspect most people tend to neglect.”

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