Today I’d like to talk about what to do if you took a risk and asked your ex to meet up with you but they said no.
I feel like the best way to tackle this is to divide the article up into two distinct parts.
- Talk about why this exes usually say no
- Talk about how to handle it if it ends up happening to you
So, I don’t want to beat around the bush. Let’s just get right into it.
Why Exes Will Usually Say No To A Meetup
Do you see this graphic right here,
This whole graphic might actually be the reason for why your ex says no.
It’s called, “The Value Ladder.” I think I’ll actually let my official guide, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program describe what it is,
The Value Ladder
A step-by-step process for re-establishing contact with your Ex and communicating in a way that makes reconciliation more likely by strategically making your Ex recognize your Value for himself.
Put simply, it’s the slow methodical approach to getting an ex back.
Now, I’ve been on record saying that most of our clients have an anxious attachment style. If you don’t believe me take a look at this poll,
And the thing about extremely anxious individuals is that they tend to be extremely desperate which causes them to try to “jump” the value ladder.
Let’s take a deeper look at the ladder,
Now, the point is to stairstep your way up to the top.
You can’t advance to the next level until enough value has been provided at the level you are currently at. The mistake most anxious people meet is they jump the ladder all the way to the “meetup phase” without actually having provided any value in the texting phase, phone call phase, etc.
Usually when an ex says no to a meetup it means you’ve skipped the value ladder.
You’ve rushed the process to see them before they are probably comfortable seeing you.
And it can be soul crushing to be told no.
It can feel like a mini breakup is happening all over again.
The question now becomes…
How To Handle It If It Happens To You
So, story time.
If you didn’t know I’m actually married to the woman of my dreams but I want to go back in time to when we weren’t married. I want to go back in time to when we weren’t even dating.
We were still in that fun “talking phase.”
Let me give you a little on the logistics of our situation at the time.
- I lived in Texas
- She lived in Pennsylvania
Which meant that in order for us to officially meet in person one of us would have to go to the other or both of us would have to meet in a neutral location. Maybe a few weeks into “talking” my soon to be wife suggested that we meet up at her parents beach house in Florida.
I said “no.”
It was too much too soon. It was scary. I had known her for two weeks.
So, how the heck did she end up bagging this guy (I’m pointing at myself here.) Well, she basically went back to the beginning of the value ladder and worked it.
She went back to basics.
And that sets the stage for the process that I think you should be doing if you find yourself in this situation,
- Actually go out and do something on the planned meetup.
- Preferably with someone else (Friends for non jealousy, Other person for jealousy)
- Wait a day and then post about the great time on social media
- Then you would continue to act normal and unbothered (work your way up the value ladder)
Let’s start from the top.
Actually Go Out And Do Something On The Planned Meetup
You ask your ex up for a meetup and they said no.
Want to know what 99% of my clients end up doing?
They sit at home, feel sorry for themselves. Maybe order an ice cream.
Want to know what they should be doing?
They should be going out on the exact day they were going to meet up with their ex and actually doing a fun activity.
This leads me to my next point.
Preferably Go Out With Someone Else
Don’t go out on the planned meetup alone.
Go with someone else.
Well, you really have two options.
- If you don’t want to make your ex jealous then pick your best friend
- If you do want to make your ex jealous, you need to go on the date with someone else
By doing this you are going to accomplish a few things.
You will show that your time is valuable and that you are sought after by other people.
Take Pictures Of You Having Actual Fun
I mean, we have to capture the fun, right?
Here’s my best tip for this.
The pictures you take with whoever you bring to wherever you bring them need to be authentic. Don’t fake it. Go out and actually have fun with them.
Wait A Day And Then Post About It On Social Media
Statistics have shown consistently that close to 90% of exes will be stalking your social media accounts. Thus, it’s highly likely that your ex will be encountered with the opportunity cost issue.
They chose to not go out with you.
So, instead they are forced to see someone else go out with you.
Thus, they can literally see what they are missing out on. You can prove that the missed opportunity to go out with you was something that they may regret.
I want you to wait a full day before you post any pictures though. You need to not seem like you are trying too hard.
Continue To Act Normally Towards Your Ex And Rework The Value Ladder
This is another area I see people in our community going wrong.
People fall way too much in love with the no contact rule and while it’s great. It’s not always the answer.
Sure, if you haven’t even done a no contact rule then that’s probably something you need to do right away but most of the time the people who are in our community are falling victim to an ex saying no to them after they get out of a no contact rule.
If they reject you the worst thing you can do is act bothered by it.
It just shows your ex that you still want them.
The smartest thing you can do is just simply rework the value ladder and almost act as if they didn’t even reject you in the first place.
Which I realize sounds a little ridiculous but if you really think about it, it kind of proves to your ex that you are so confident in yourself that you don’t really care about their opinion of you.
That you have the confidence to invest in yourself.
And to me, that’s what truly makes someone ungettable.