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The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
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Morgan
December 11, 2014 at 6:46 pm
You seem to respond pretty quickly on here. So wanted to get some insight. My ex broke up with me almost a month ago. ( Yes, I begged and pleaded the during the talk and the next day) After, I didn’t talk to him for a little over 2 weeks, but being Thanksgiving and all, I thought it might be polite to send him a message. He responded pretty quickly we ended up chatting a bit the next day and made plans to exchange our stuff. Last Thursday he was supposed to come up to my place and catch up while exchanging our things. He stood me up with no phone call. I did not message him or say anything to him and immediately went into no contact. He texted me this past Monday saying, Sorry I’ve been mia, I’ve been so busy. If you would like we can meet up for lunch or something and exchange things. I never responded. He then sent me a third message. Hit me up whenever you get this. Still I hung in there. The next day I got two text the first “?” then, are you not getting my text or what? I responded to be polite. “I’ve been busy too. I’m not sure when I could make it, whats your availability? He said well I was thinking after you get off work on Friday, maybe? I have my test Friday during the day and I’ll be studying up till then. I told him I would get back with him and let him know. I’m kind of at a loss here, what would you recommend. I wanted to do NC for 30 days, but obviously he needs his stuff back. How can I still come away with the upper hand? Does the fact he wants to meet up later mean anything? I just have no idea what to do, or what to think. All I know is I would like a second chance to show him the changes I’ve made in my life.
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:21 am
Ironically it took me a while to respond to your message 🙁 .
I definitely think you can break NC to give him his stuff back. I believe I wrote about that in here.
I think if you just follow the guidelines I placed in here you should retain the upper hand.
Emily
December 5, 2014 at 5:57 pm
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and I have been off and on since October of 2005 and we recently broke up a little over a month ago. We have ended up together about every weekend and last week we hung out every night and even went out to eat together. Then he started ignoring my texts and is hanging out with these other girls at the bar during the week. Should I go back to no-contact? We do have a lot of mutual friends that we hang out with. Just not sure what to do.
admin
December 8, 2014 at 12:42 pm
Does he often react this way, by going out to the bars?
Emily
December 9, 2014 at 1:30 am
He goes to be bar about every night that his friend is bartending. Its a small town and most of the time there are only a few other people in the bar. The bartender is his friend that I believe he likes more than a friend, even though she is a lesbian with a girlfriend. They hang out a lot and he says nothing will happen but I still wonder.
dee
November 8, 2014 at 8:06 pm
I don’t think the No contact works for since its been two months and he hasn’t said a word to me. Why does he completely ignores me like I don’t exists? I haven’t done anything. He started lying and cheating on me and tried to hide it, since he came home from summer holidays is when he started ignoring me. Oh I am pregnant, due in a week also. He apparently started seeing this girl too when he got back and hid that from me (never had a formal breakup)and he wont tell her about the baby and lies about our relationship. Why is that? Do you think he will stop or talk once the baby is born, and work things out? What else can I do ?
He always said I was crazy because I didn’t trust him and would catch him in lies, and didn’t like that he partied, I would search for him or show up to pick him up when he was drunk and he didn’t like that. Our fights during the relationship was because I thought he was being unfaithful.
admin
November 20, 2014 at 3:21 pm
Have you even attempted to reach out AFTER NC?
Emily
November 3, 2014 at 9:47 pm
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and I have been on and off since Oct. 2005. Last year was the longest that we had been broken up. He had moved to Wyoming for work last January and we were still talking until we had gotten into it one night I don’t even remember how it got started but he had said that he was only with me because he felt sorry for me. Before he had moved we were living together and we had broken up in August but still lived together until he moved in January. At first when we broke up I slept on the couch and he had the bed, I kept telling him I would move back with my brother but he kept telling me I didn’t have to. We eventually started acting like we were dating again, hanging out, sleeping together again, he invited me to family events. Then when he left in January he told me about how he was only with me because he felt sorry for me.
After that we didn’t talk but we were still Facebook friends. I had started talking to someone who had been a friend for a long time and he said that he liked me, so we decided we were going to try and date even though he lived in Texas and I was still in Illinois. Well one of my friends had decided to change my Facebook status to in a relationship and almost as soon as she did my ex had un-friended me and then called me a night or two later drunk and saying how he did love me and wanted to marry me and that he hated seeing me with someone else.
We started talking as friends again once in a while and when things did not work out with the other guy I was talking to my ex and I decided that I was going to try and go visit him in Wyoming. Well then not even a couple weeks later he ends up dating a new girl. We still end up being friends and we talked and sometimes talked about them a little. They ended up breaking up after about 5 months and he comes home for a weekend in October before I leave for Basic Training. We hang out most of the time he is home and end up hooking up. We started talking more after that and he said how he was sorry for treating me badly and he wanted another chance to make things work out.
We decided to write each other while I was at Basic Training and I wrote him a lot and I only received one letter from him but he was working a lot and he did send me text messages that I got when I could use my phone. We decided when I was home for Christmas that we were going to be official again. When I was at AIT we talked a lot on messenger and everything was going good. We decided I was going to go out there to visit him in Wyoming when I got back from training. I didn’t end up making it because I was sick and missed my flight. He ended up coming back home to visit because he wasn’t working because he broke his arm.
I ended up taking a job that was about 5 hours from home because it was just temporary and I thought he was going back to Wyoming. About a week at the new job he finds out the person he was living with in Wyoming was moving back and so now he had no way to live out there because he was not working so he ends up moving back. Thats when things started getting rough for us. I think he was upset because he liked living out there and he had to end up living with his mom. He was down about things and there was one point where he did not talk to me for three days.
After the summer and I moved back home I moved back in with my parents because of financial issues and my ex was still living with his mom. We never really had anywhere for us to be alone and it was started to affect us. Well a little over a month ago we end up getting into it because he was supposed to come over because I had the house to myself but he decided to stay at the bar. We end up getting into it and he tell me i’m not fun anymore, I wasn’t the girl he said I was when he came home last year and we fought for a few hours but he still ended up coming home with me and then he we hung out the next couple of days and we were together for about another week and a half when it happened again we fought and ended up breaking up again. Part of the reason I think we broke up was because of this girl that he likes that he talks to a lot and talked to her about me. She is a bartender at a bar that he goes to every night. He has even said he likes her but she is a lesbian who has been with the same girl for two years but they have been having issues and were trying to work things out. When we broke up he had told me he wasn’t looking for anyone else.
After a couple weeks of not really talking to each other we end up hooking up one night because we happened to be at the same bar and we have the same friends. We ended up back at his house and I ended up staying the next day. Again we don’t talk much until he booty-called me a couple weeks later then this last weekend we were at the same party because it was our friends birthday and we again hooked up. The next day he asked me to take him somewhere because he wanted to go shopping but his car wasn’t working. We hung out that day but didn’t do much. I’m not sure what to think anymore. Any advice?
admin
November 20, 2014 at 2:52 pm
On and off since 2005…. Wow that is a long time.
Ok, first off please do not hook up with him while you aren’t officially dating him. This sends him the signal that you are easy to sleep with and he doesn’t even have to show a committment to you.
Elaine
October 30, 2014 at 2:17 pm
3 months into our relationship, I approached him about the progression of the relationship. Everything was good, but I felt we were borderline “secret”. His response was no trust = no relationship and that he wanted to back off. Immediately I assumed I was in the wrong. I didn’t bother telling him that this all stemmed from him not bringing up meeting family and friends. Probably a crazy insecurity on my part but I really wanted to know if we were on the same page. I am 5 days into our NC, he unfollowed me on Instagram but he did not block me, I am still following him and we are still friends on facebook. I have not made any posts regarding the breakup or anything that can be considered emotionally charged. I have been focusing on school, exercising, and my hobbies. I do not plan to unfollow him though. Was I clingy? Was it a bad idea to approach the subject that early in the relationship? Is it a bad sign that he unfollowed me? Should I avoid his page? Thanks
admin
October 30, 2014 at 6:41 pm
Yes, avoid his page for a while.
May I ask why he kept you a secret? What is that all about. I am having trouble understanding.
Elaine
October 30, 2014 at 8:48 pm
To make it clear I do not know if he was keeping our relationship a secret. When I tried to discuss it with him he told me that it seems like I did not trust the relationship and that he felt he needed to back away. Later I that day I left a voicemail asking to meet me so we can re address the situation. He said he was busy, declined, and told me to take care. I have not contacted him since.
Elaine
October 30, 2014 at 8:37 pm
I’ve met a select few friends, and our mutual friends knew we were dating. But I had yet to meet anyone in his family. Another issue was social networks. Neither one of us had pics of the other on our pages. We are both active daily on social networks and I don’t understand why they didn’t reflect that we were in a relationship. He already knows my mom from way before we started dating. We had never discussed meeting his family or social networks. Because of that the relationship was beginning to feel like a secret to me.
Joy
October 29, 2014 at 2:46 am
Hey Chris, how does this work if your ex told you not to contact him? Or even worse..after the break up you blew up his phone really bad one day and he threatened to go to the police with a case against you for stalking! Out of anger, I know, and I responded to him then the next day apologized and I have not had any legal trouble lol…but wouldn’t him making that threat make him think that THAT is the reason you aren’t contacting? (Even if you did contact 2 times afterwards but one was saying you’d give him space and the other was an apology) ??? Does NC work if this is the case or will he think it’s due to his empty threat. I know threats like these are not always empty but mine was only bc I blew up his phone and it was very clear he was enraged . I didn’t call endlessly show up or anything like that.
admin
October 29, 2014 at 3:50 pm
Wait, you said the stalking thing to him or he said it to you?
Joy
October 29, 2014 at 5:02 pm
This is how it went down. We had threatened break ups immaturely via text before so I didn’t know he was for real. I texted monday no response. Tues he responded to a text I sent that morn saying we are broken up whether I accept it or not. I went off and blew him up saying he must not care if he would do that to me, I trusted him, etc. I was a mess. He first said “ok bye” I kept going and pushing him saying he never cared why should I talk to someone who cares nothing about me etc..
He said “ok. I don’t care and I didn’t care. Stop texting me. It’s stupid. I understand. You’re hurt. So stop texting me”
I kept going bc now he made me more upset and he said “stop texting me it’s annoying”
I kept going and he said “going to ignore your messages now so anything you send won’t reach me adios”
Well…I responded saying he was a jerk then etc and I kept going on. I calmed for a bit, called one time, texted more and eventually calmed down just sending a text saying I wanted to talk in person
So the next morn early I sent a few more and that was really gonna be my last…well then 4 hrs later he said “if you continue to text me I will go to the police and open a case against you for stalking. Bye”
I was calmer by this point and did respond but didn’t say anything to make it worse
He responded saying “like I said If I get any more messages or calls I will go to the police. I’m not playing or joking. Don’t ruin your career over obsessing. I will go to the police”
I knew deep down he was just furious and actually wouldn’t…but I said “stop texting me and threatening me out of anger I undertand you’re hurt and angry I cannot reason with you I won’t say anything else until you’re cooled off”
He didn’t respond.
The next night like 36 hrs later i apologized for blowing up and saying hurtful things and said I didn’t want legal issues but wanted to apologize and I also was wrong for trying to force an in person convo
Then I went NC.
Will NC work given how this went down w the stalking threat? That’s how it happened ^ he didn’t do it and wouldn’t have had a case but still
admin
October 30, 2014 at 6:13 pm
I think it still will yes!
Joy
October 31, 2014 at 6:25 pm
I hope so! Day 15 of NC now 🙁 this is so hard I miss him like crazy. I want him to miss me but idk…I’m learning a lot about me tho and have grown up which is what’s important
Joy
October 29, 2014 at 4:26 pm
He said it to me. A couple days after we broke up we had a text fight I blew him up and then stopped then sent a couple more and he said that to me. I responded that day calmly and apologized the next day then went NC it was a couple days after the break up that he said that just due to one days behavior
Heartbroken
October 27, 2014 at 7:02 pm
It seems like a lot of the advice here assumes that the girlfriend was clingy or that in some other way the boyfriend didnt appreciate her. My boyfriend is a sensitive person and I believe that he broke up with me because I took him for granted. If I further ignore him, won’t he take this as confirmation that I didn’t care about him enough? It just going on 36 hours now. Please help.
admin
October 28, 2014 at 4:24 pm
Hey, that could be entirely possible.
Sometimes guys know their value and if they feel they are taken for granted they can leave.
Desiree
October 27, 2014 at 3:38 am
Hey Chris,
So I have been doing the No Contact Rule for about 21 days now and my ex boyfriend texted me after the first week bringing up a past event. Then this weekend he texted me asking if I wanted to talk then when I didn’t respond he called me several times. Then he texted me again the next day asking me to call him back and he called again several times.
Should I still avoid contacting him? Am I going to make him really mad?
Sarah
October 18, 2014 at 12:26 am
OK So I know that NC is supposed to bring mystery and the idea that you have “vanished”. But it is hard for me to do this because he works for my family, so he hears about me or at least is reminded of me because he sees my family.
Also, we have mutual friends. Right now I have not texted him in keeping with the NC rule, however, I hang out with his/my friends when he is not there. Sometimes my ex asks to hang out with our friends the day I am there with them, and my friends inform him that I am with them. It screws up the mystery because he knows now where I am. And recently, when my ex asked a friend to hang out, my friend told him that I was at her house and he could come hang out but it might be awkward. He texted her back “awkward for her” as in it would be awkward for me if he came over. Then my friend texted back “don’t be childish” then my ex said “i wouldn’t come over anyways if she was there”.
So two questions..
1) How can I follow the rule of NC? I do NOT want to stop hanging out with his friends, but is there a way that I can retain mystery? Or do you guys think that hanging out with mutual friends might be advantageous?
2) His response to my friend about things being awkward for me if he came over , and that he would not come over anyways if I was there…. what does this mean? Is he angry at me? Is he just trying to respect me and my feelings? I don’t understand
Ashleigh
October 16, 2014 at 9:33 pm
Hi chris,
I’m assuming that I would just combine both the sharing a child MC and living together MC rules… I have been with my now husband for 4 years married for 6 months… Having issues for a long time and he is now burnt out and said he isn’t in love with me any more and doesn’t think he ever was, well I don’t believe that he never was, we wouldn’t have had a child together or gotten married if that weren’t the case. I tried to get him to counseling and all of the normal things but he just keeps reminding me that he isn’t in love and he doesn’t want to be… We live together as it’s our only choice at the moment, as he works very long hours and barely has a chance to see our daughter if we didn’t so I’m fine with that… But as of yesterday I started the MC rule but it’s quite hard because he still wants to be my friend and we need to get along for the sake of our baby (she isn’t quite 2 yet) he isn’t closed to the idea of one day us getting back together he just can’t see it happening (he is a very rational thinker) he asked of changes of me in the past and I never tried hard enough and relied on the security of sharing a baby and being married together to keep us together. So ergo he can’t imagine our future to more then a miserable existence of our past.. I guess my questions are here… While living together do I still continue to do what required of me around the house like everything, cooking cleaning, washing, ironing etc or do I step down from doing his stuff? (He will be financially supporting me as I’m at university half my time then the other at home with baby) so I feel obligated to continue that for the financial support… How do I implement the MC rule here? I can’t see him missing me when I still do everything for him! We also have a mutual friends destination wedding in 2 weeks which we had already booked and paid for (3 days away together) what happens here?? I’m in need of some advice!! Thanks so much in advance!!
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:59 pm
What about you?
Are you also burned out?
Ashleigh
October 16, 2014 at 10:37 pm
I should probably mention the chores doing where part of the issue I’m naturally a lazy easy going person so tidy ness didn’t bother me too much but he obviously didn’t like that (but he is a very untidy person himself) so I have made drastic changes in my life to become a more motivated person… It just didn’t happen soon enough!
Miranda
October 16, 2014 at 6:47 pm
Hi Chris,
So I have been doing the no contact rule and today is day 10. Yesterday, my ex texted me asking where he took me on our first date. I didn’t respond but why would he ask a question like that?
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:55 pm
To see if you’d respond or maybe he is reminiscing. I think its a good sign tbh.
nina
October 15, 2014 at 3:55 pm
Hi chris. What if your ex claims to be dating someone seriously; has a gf. And when we met up for awhile, he was pretty touchy throughout? Like playful kinda touchy. Holding my waist, linking arms with me and asked me for a hug before we parted. I ended nc with him quite sometime back. Now occasionally texting and meetups once every week or two weeks. i wonder what’s going on in his head since he has a gf. He keeps assuring me he has not made any future plans with her though. I wonder if i can get him back. Not sure where i stand.
what do you suggest i do? Should i continue entertaining his msgs and meeting him?
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:43 pm
How long has he been dating her for?
nina
October 28, 2014 at 12:31 pm
He’s seeing her probably since nov last year. I broke up with him jan last year. We both dated others but i broke up with my rebound guy in aug this year. He’s still seeing the same lady since we broke up. Early oct was when we metup and he was super touchy. And said he wasn’t serious with his gf.
Today i texted him asking his opinion if i should get back with my rebound guy (i wanted to gauge if my ex still had feelings for me by asking his opinion abt another man). And he replied “yes you should. Cause things will not work out btwn us” i asked him why not? He said cause i want to work things out with my gf. And make future plans with her.
Now chris, what i don’t understand is. How can he be super touchy with me and kept on assuring me that he’s not serious with her, only to turn back around saying a different thing entirely after less than 1mth when i popped that qns? Taken into consideration, things btwn me and my ex have been positive before today. He texts me everyday, meetups at least once a week though he has a gf currently.
Kelly
October 15, 2014 at 1:01 am
hi Chris!
Short and quick about the nc rule- he broke up with me a while back and is now seeing someone new- which really really hurts. I’ve tried implementing the nc which failed a couple of times but now I’m so far so good! Problem here is we tend to go for the same events together- he hasn’t been going for them for a while but he started again so I have no idea how to handle the nc if we end up at the same party (where there are like 100+ ppl so avoiding is possible) how do I handle these circumstances?
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:35 pm
How fast did he start dating this new girl?
Kelly
October 29, 2014 at 12:00 am
about a month or two?
Danielle
October 14, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Hi Chris,
I bought your book and have read all your posts, it was extremely helpful and everything made sense.
I broke up with my boyfriend on the first week of july after a little over two years because we were away from each other for 6 weeks prior (we both study in different universities only an hour/two (depending on transport) away from each other and spend most weekends together but his school ended a lot earlier than mine for summer so he came back home to Hong Kong before I did) and in that time I felt like I was being taken for granted because the distance caused us to fight a lot and we had external stresses not due to each other affect us both so we got into fights much more. I still saw the bigger picture and tried to understand he was going through a lot of stress but he didn’t understand that I was too and wasn’t being supportive and instead in the mix of everything said a lot of hurtful things and it was a pretty bad time etc. So I came back and broke up with him I messaged saying I don’t think we should be together anymore but more so hoping to just scare him and discuss it in person and figure out our differences given that we hadn’t met in 6 weeks (he was on a plane to a weekend wedding two days after I got back to HK which is when I had sent the message), he said we’d meet when he got back and I took that as a we’d discuss and figure it out but the next day he asked me if I had told my parents we broke up and I was really confused. Basically I broke up with him not really meaning to and he went along with it not fighting back like he normally would’ve.
We never ended up meeting to talk (i admit i did do a few of the don’t which is possibly why) but we had a lot of run in’s at events/clubs where everything felt the same and how it use to be and clearly both felt an extremely strong connection as well as really sweet exchange of messages. During all of those (except the first week of breakup) I was pretty sensible calm and collected I would say, not making many missteps. He called one night to check if i had reach home safely we talked a little and he said when his friend asked why we weren’t together anymore his answer was “we fought too much and she’s moving away anyways” (and through the convo it was evident that his lack of fighting back or working on fixing us was deterred by me moving countries at the end of summer). I moved countries right after he left to uni.
He left mid aug back to uni and sent a short civil goodbye message after which I came across your website and proceeded to do no contact for 30 days. He never contacted so three weeks ago I finished the nc period and I followed your first message after NC got his attention immediately then responded 40 mins later and received a one worded response. So I left it like suggested for a week and tried again today and to everything I sent (3 back and fourth’s) it was all one worded responses (the convo was regarding the driver whom he always had organise to pick me up when I got back to where I study from the airport to home).
I’m quite confused and don’t know how to proceed anymore. The entire time we were dating he would repeatedly tell me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how much he loved being able to call me his girlfriends and how he hopes i never ever leave him and he was always afraid of that. I understand after the break up he was extremely angry and lashed out by not being there for me when i needed him but also know that our bond was still there whenever we’d actually see each other face to face. I thought after going back to uni and a month of my no contact he’d calm down and get over his anger towards me or issues. And that with time he’d start to see what he lost and talk to me. However I go back to uni two weeks ago and with such little progress and his constant one worded response I’m more dumbfounded then ever and am going kind of crazy overthinking everything possible. He obviously can’t have just forgotten about me after so long together and with the intimacy we had reached on all levels especially emotionally but I don’t really know how else to make him tap back into those emotions, its been 3.5 months since the split and i’m rather worried about time running out before it’s too late to get him back. Ive realised with the time apart our fights were petty and based souly on jealously and that our problems are fixable, he set a standard and I’m not interested in any other guy around me as I know i’ve set a very high standard for girls and way surpassed his exs however I deeply worry about the girls he may use to fill the void.
What should I do now and how do you think I can overcome his lack of reciprocation/resistance?
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:31 pm
May I ask how bad the fights got?
Screaming or more passive aggressive?
Danielle
October 30, 2014 at 11:08 pm
I think more passive aggressive sometime loud voices but no screaming and a lot also over texting because we eventually stop talking over the phone and resorted to either not texting or fighting over text.
However last week I messaged him after a month since the last time again (2nd NC) and that was met with better responses since then in the past week i’ve reached out two more times and the responses have been nice but distant like your new post I just read which gave so much clarity as to what I was worried about above, very few neutral responses now. In the past week i’ve reached out 3 times met with immediate civil/nice responses although i’m a little worried about reaching out more because I’m a little worried it’ll allow him to continue to be stubborn and think oh yeah she’s still into me (am i right to think that) also my friend say now I should let him message me and chase me why am I doing all the work, also wondering after over two years together why he’s not trying to contact me as much as I am because he must have all the same feeling about all our good memories, we really did work together.
What do you suggest? Should I try and contact more or give it a little break for a week and see if he messages or not over halloween weekend?
Danielle
November 3, 2014 at 7:41 pm
He didn’t message over the weekend, what do you think I should do? Should I casually message today/tommorow saying “So you never told me the costume you ended up deciding on” because we were discussing halloween outfits for a good part of our convo or wait it out a little more?
Lori
October 14, 2014 at 4:35 pm
Hi Chris,
I stumbled upon your website early this summer and it has been a great insight into the mind of an ex. I don’t really have a question but more of a suggestion for a post … Why do exes contact you/what makes them contact you when they are in another relationship. Long story short – my ex and I were together for four years and in a LDR for the last 2 (I’m 24 and he is 26) I found out he was two timing me with a girl he met on tinder (she is 21) for the last 5 months of our relationship. He ended up choosing her and completely blocked me out of his life because being in contact with me would hurt her. But the last month he has been emailing me from his work email (cowardice I know) asking to talk, telling me he is thinking about me, and saying he gets upset when he thinks about me/is struggling and calling my work phone but hanging up. I haven’t responded at all because he made his choice and is still with her. I don’t necessarily want him back but I am curious why he is contacting me and saying all that stuff that is slowing me down from moving forward. It seems to be a trend after talking with friends that after breakups men still contact when they are in other relationships. Some insight would be nice. Thank you for all your help on your site.
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:23 pm
Done!
I will write about it.
Broken
October 13, 2014 at 10:21 pm
Help, I was with my ex for 13 yrs until he broke up with me over the phone 4 wks ago. We met up a couple of days later where he went in to details of how low he was feeling and down on himself saying he didn’t want to be with anyone and needed to be alone. I asked him if there was someone else which he denied and said he hadn’t cheated, then I asked have you met someone else and that’s why you’re breaking it off so you don’t cheat to which he said no I don’t want to be with anyone and if I ever did it would only ever be you. We spoke on the phone a couple of days later that ended in a fight, I had got us tickets to see a show and he told me to go with a friend. I didn’t want to go but was dragged along and thought it preferable to sitting at home crying alone. When he found out I had been he was angry and said he had been having doubts had he done the right thing but as I’d “moved on” so quickly he should of gotten rid of me yrs ago!! (I went with a female friend and spent most of the night hiding in the toilets trying not to cry all of my mascara off. We didn’t speak after that for around a week when I had a call from his friend asking if I was with him (he hadn’t told him) as he hadn’t gone home after that my ex rang me back to apologise for putting me in that position and it wouldn’t happen again. We ended up talkin for around 45mins on the phone and he was like his oldeslf only very down, he said he was scared of how much he was drinking and various things, I asked him outright if he didn’t go home the night before whose bed did he sleep in? He said it was nothing like that, that he had got drunk at work (he works in pubs/clubs) and had stayed there. He said he wanted to meet up and take our dog out, I said it wouldn’t be the same as he wasn’t mine anymore, his reply – I’m not any bodies and if I was I would only ever be yours. Said that he had missed me and had wanted to call me, but was unsure of his feelings and didn’t want to give me false hopes.Things went ok through the conversation and so I decided to ring him a few days later… Mistake! He was vile, said” you do know we aren’t ever getting back together don’t you? You get it now I don’t want you” wouldn’t of minded but I didn’t actually ask to get back together! He pretty much shouted at me and said hurtful things then put the phone down. I ignored him for a week and crazy as it sounds I woke up one morning with a sick feeling that he had been with someone else so I called him on. Text him and told him to admit to it he had been seen with another girl and… He admitted to it! Still swears he didn’t cheat but I don’t believe him. It’s someone he has known for around 3yrs and she works with him at one of the clubs. His story is she asked me out a few times and he said no she asked agin and they went for food, I said a date and he said no. But to me he knew she liked him like that so unless he was interested why would you go? Told me it was obvious half way through the night she wanted more than he did and said he saw her a few nights later as she came to work to see him and they kissed. He said she initiated it but he’s a big guy I’m sure he wasn’t over powered! He said as soon as it happened he knew and she did that it was awkward and he said he was certain then he didn’t want it and apparently they have said they don’t want things to be awkward because of work. I freaked out, I can’t believe nothing happened before. How can he go in less than 2wks from not wanting anyone to be selfish and only think of himself and want to be alone to go out with a girl he’s known for yrs?? When I freaked out he said ” you know over the past couple of weeks I’ve really been questioning and doubting if I’d done the right thing by ending things but with how you’re acting now I’ve made the right choice!” How the hell he expected me to react I don’t know we had been trying for a baby while I think he was screwing around with her!! He’s accused me of having someone new which I 100% do not, think its because he saw a new male friend added to my Facebook he doesn’t know, but this guy is my best mates nieces husband and is really just being a friend!! He was angry and called me a liar when I said I didn’t have anyone he then told me maybe I should get someone else and took great pleasure in telling me about another girl who had pretty much just offered herself on a plate to him. He quoted back to me various posts I’d put on Facebook and the comments that went with them, I asked him if he had been checking my Facebook to which he said yeah all the time! I had actually noticed he was on a lot more than usual but I honestly thought he was checking his own in case someone put something incriminating on his. It didn’t end well he said because of how I am (I’m presuming he means hurt and angry) he doesn’t think we should stay friends though said if I wanted to ring him ring and he’d do likewise. I have had tests done with my doctor to see if I have caught anything from him if he was sleeping with us both and my results should be back in a few days. I don’t know what to do know. I have cut all contact deleted his numbers and taken him and all his family off my Facebook and its been 4 days since we spoke. I hate and despise him for what he has done but I still love him and miss him so much. People have said he will come grovelling back when he realises what he has done and lost – I don’t think I was a bad girlfriend and have supported him and helped him when i know others would have walked away. I don’t know how I feel could I trust him again? But I want him to come bak and want me again. He has broke it off with me before about 3yrs ago but he only lasted 4 days and rang me bak crying saying he missed me but this has been over 4 weeks now. I’m pretty sure he is suffering with some sort of depression and maybe an early midlife crisis (he is 34) he said he should be further forward in terms of life, money, job, house etc than he is. Has 18 out of 20 symptoms of depression anyhow and feel that’s why he is hanging around with this younger crowd as it doesn’t draw attention to what he doesn’t have as they don’t have it either. What do I do? I’m not coping, not sleeping and have hardly eaten in 4 wks. I collapsed at work and was sent home, My doctor has signed me off work for a week with emotional exhaustion. I’ve started no contact like I said and this is day 4, already struggling. Please any advice, I feel destroyed. I could of been pregnant on my own while he’s with her. I need a neutral perspective and a bit of advice too. All my friends/family are obviously upset and angry that its making me ill so all I’m getting is you deserve better. Please, can you help?
Don’t want to hurt anymore x
admin
October 14, 2014 at 3:53 pm
Well, no contact is a struggle.
I think you should work on not being so reliant or available to your ex. Believe it or not but men want women who they think they can’t have.
Broken
December 6, 2014 at 1:44 am
Hello… Here is the next instalment and find myself needing help again, here goes! I did the no contact as suggested when around two and a half weeks passed he contacted me. Nothing friendly, just saying that the instalment of the money he owed me would be in my account the following day. I didn’t respond as apart from the NC he wasn’t being friendly or asking a question so saw no reason to reply, this annoyed him severely and a got a couple of angry texts saying I should remember all the the things I’ve said and done down the line as this is what I wanted (?!?!) long story short I held out and didn’t reply but then just over 3 wks into NC a family member died and I needed to inform him which sort of got us talking again. He was insistent that I understood there was no one else and hadn’t been and asked if we could meet up to talk. We did meet up and it was difficult to begin with he said I had to understand he hadn’t got anyone else nor did he want anyone else. Also said that he had been unwell and had been fighting at work (very out of character -said he had been feeling weak and vulnerable and needed to prove to himself that he wasn’t) he had cuts all up his arms and generally looked rough! He then broke down in tears – in the 13yrs we were together I saw him cry once. We went for a walk and he talked bout trips to the doctors but he was too scared to go back for results as they think it is something to do with his heart. He then said to me ” you’ve already had enough in your life I’m not going to be another man who drops dead on you” – my dad died from heart disease when I was young. He then said he had practically stalked my Facebook page and printed off pictures I had posted until I un-friended him, that he had thought of me every day and it hurt and he had lost his best friend he was sorry he really didnt know what he wanted. When we came to say goodbye he was unsure if he should hug me but when I said it was ok he grabbed and held me so tight it hurt my back, he buried his head into my neck and hair and cried some more! When he eventually loosened his grip I honestly instinctively tilted my head up for a kiss, I immediately pulled away and apologised to which he grabbed hold of my face and kissed me on the mouth. He asked if he could take me out for a meal one of the days to which I agreed and we said our goodbyes. Oh he also said he really liked my new jacket’ said it looked really good – may sound irelevant but just keep that in mind! We kept in touch via text for a few days until I met up wit him again where he was different with me after a short time of meeting him up he said outta the blue he didn’t think we should get back together, that he wold never give me the life I wanted or deserved and he was selfish. Then he made a point of saying that it was him who got in touch with me first, that if he did want a relationship again it would only be with me, then asked if he did ‘change’ his mind could he let me know. After this contact lessened but he had asked me when I scattered the ashes of my family member could he come so when I had these back I let him know so we cold arrange something to suit both of us. I let him know and he seemed uninterested so left it with him, gave him the day and time and that was it. Heard nothing for maybe a week when he started texting again asking if we were still going etc or had I changed my mind, it seemed as though he was trying to back out so I said straight up come or don’t it makes no difference. To which he said he wanted to come, he wanted to see me quickly followed by another msg saying “don’t worry I’m not expecting a reconciliation but like I said I’ve lost my best friend” he must’ve text me 30 times in maybe 2hrs and then after that asked if he could call me and ended up on the phone for at least 2hrs. Then on the way to taking the ashes nearly a week later he asked again about taking me for this meal and the cinema too. Before we broke up we had been watching the hunger games films together and asked if we could go see that, I made a joke and said “we’ll you do know its in 2 parts don’t you?” To which he said “yeah, maybe someone is trying to tell us something”. He sat in the back of the car (looking after the dog) whilst I was driving and every time I looked in my rear view mirror he was looking at me. He’d either try and hold the stare for a moment or he would just look away embarrassed. Then while we were by the sea he asked if we cold come up and do it again and again mentioned this meal. I drove us home and again when we came to say goodbye he held me that tight and wouldn’t let go until we had made solid plans for this meal. He text a few times that night then I text him a few days later to say a casual hi – he didn’t seem interested and did nothing to keep t conversation going to I left it. 6 days later he texts to say he will be paying in the money he owes me again but no mention of the meal so I asked him. He said that I hadn’t text him so he wasn’t sure I still wanted to go, so maybe put that one down to a misunderstanding!?!? I dunno. Anyway we ended up going for this meal which started off fine, he was nice and funny and the old him. He went to order food and he couldn’t see that I was looking at him but could clearly see him in the reflection of the mirrors and he was watching me again. In conversation he told me that he had moved home and was living with some people he knows and that this was due to work. Then somehow he turned the conversation to when we broke up and the things that happened but when I said anything about it he got stroppy with me and said “why does it always have to come down to this?” He asked me if I’d met anyone new and when I said no he turned into the devil, almost like it was the green light to be nasty. He then asked if I thought if it was better that we didn’t stay friends and maybe we should walk out of each others lives for good” he said he needed a few days to think about it and so should I …. Remember the jacket?? The one he said looked good? Well I was wearing it again and he made a point of telling me he didn’t like it!? He also went quite big headed and kept name dropping all his new friends and people he knows from various bars and clubs he works in, made sure I could see his wallet was full of cash too. He asked if I still wanted to see the film which to be honest no, I wanted to run home and cry but I didn’t want him to know it had gotten to me that much and he still had the power to hurt me like that. Oh he also told me I should try online dating and in the future when I’m married with kids he will still be there for me…. Just constantly making me aware i wasn’t gonna be with him! I made myself sit through the film and was shaking partly through cold and partly through anger and upset. He asked if I was cold and put his coat across me, then he took my hands and held them trying to warm them up but then he wouldn’t let them go and sat there holding, squeezing my hands. I had to gently pull them away. Then after the movie he said he would like to get together again and we’d sort something out. He text me to see if I was home ok and ended it with a “speak soon X”. I left it a few days and text him to see how he was and how the move was. He replied ages later but again wasn’t really keeping the conversation going. I left it another week and text him again today and asked if he was busy could he ring. He said work had been manic and he had been unwell and at work then and there. I asked him out right being as he hadn’t gotten back to me and it was his idea to have a few days to think did this mean he had thought we shouldn’t be friends …. And now he hasn’t replied! What do I do! I am very certain I do not wish to be friends. The only reason I can ‘play’ at being friends is if I think he is going to want to come back to me. The week before and during whilst we took the ashes to be scattered I really thought he was on the verge of saying he had made a mistake but now it’s gone again, I don’t know if its this move he’s done has boosted his ego as I know he was down on himself and its turned him into a bit of a d@*k! What do I do! The NC helped I’m sure it did and I’ve done the other things suggested such as going to the gym, getting in shape and more confidence, going out more and meeting new people but …. I still very much want and miss him. What do I do? What will give me the highest chance that he will turn around and say I messed up I want oh back! Sorry this post is so long, like you’ve said in previous blogs I am more then likely over analysing everything but didn’t want to leave any of the details out In case it gave you a clearer picture of what’s going on…. I hope so because I am so confused, head spinning!
admin
December 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm
Wait a few days and then text him again. I think thats the best way to go from this point.
Broken
October 15, 2014 at 2:34 pm
When I told him that I knew about this other girl I also told him I didn’t like who he had become and that I agreed it was for the best us splitting as if I met him who he was today we wouldn’t last a week. It was actually after that, that he started constantly checking my Facebook page so I agree he became more interested once I gave him the strong impression I was done with him (I must be a better actress than I thought!) and also it was after my “I don’t need or want you” speech when he said he had really wanted to ring me but was waiting til I got my test results back from drs as he was adamant they would be clear – they are. Had them back today all negative. I’m just worried that when I lost it and we had a fight over the admission off the other girl I blew it and he would know by how angry I was that I did care? But then I guess anyone who discovers theres a strong chance their partner was cheating whilst you were trying for a baby would be irate to say the least!! I’m on day 6 of no contact now and feels like forever. Feel pathetic for saying it and I know you are right about not being so reliant or available but it’s so hard after 13 yrs. All of our future plans were together and for him to not be in them now or not care about the fact is hard to take. I will keep it up though, have been texting friends instead when I feel like I may crack and get in contact.. I have also taken on board some of the advice I read on your website I have joined the gym (I wasn’t big before but realistically I was unfit) and have noticed a difference in my appearance and its amazing how good I am at boxercise with all the excess of emotions I have! I’m trying to socialise as much as possible and trying to get on with my life. Thank you for the reply, it is appreciated – I can see how many people get in touch with you and it’s good of you to reply. Thank you again!
Emi
October 13, 2014 at 7:50 pm
Hi Chris!
What if is my birthday and I’m still in the NC period, and your ex send a message whishing you a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas? Should I respond him?
And If NC period ended 3 days before He send me a message, Can I use this situation to start to speaking with him?
Thanks
admin
October 14, 2014 at 3:50 pm
No, no response.
Matilda
October 13, 2014 at 7:39 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, he didn’t even do it himself. He got a family member to do it for him.
When it first happened, I begged him to talk to me. I made a few mistakes, such as showering him with affection and being a bit of a gnat. The family member said he does not want to talk to me anymore. I did not beg him to be with me, and said that as much as I would love it if he reconsidered his decision, it was his will, and I just wanted to keep him in my life. I called and texted him a few dozen times that day. What else is someone supposed to do when they are broken up with through a third party, hours after being told that they are loved? I do think that my reaction was a bit irrational, but given the situation, it was a natural reaction.
He didn’t reply for a day, and then I got a wall of text explaining the break up. I begged him to talk to me, and he did, although he was a bit reluctant and replied very slowly, he seemed clearly bothered by my messages. I told him I’d give him space and he said “thank you”, this happened a few times and he did not talk to me for about a day.
Next day, I went out to a bar with some friends. I posted a selfie on the website that we have been communicating over lately (and he still has me as his girlfriend on there), and about 15 minutes later I get a message saying just “Hi”. I did not reply, because this was the day I learned about no contact after a few google searches. I really wanted to.
He didn’t contact me for a day. Granted, he wasn’t home that entire day.
Then, he sent me a wordy good morning message the next day. I had the app opened on my phone so I believe that he saw that I was online but did not open the message. About an hour later, he sent me the exact same message as a text. I opened the first message after I knew that he was already at work.
I’m sure you’ve heard something like this a million times already.
But the thing about him is, he would never hurt me unless he had a good reason to (only time he did was the break up). While we were together, he never insulted me even once, he never had any derogatory or rude remarks, he never had anything sassy to say, he never even raised his voice at me. He has said many times that he doesn’t believe in saying anything with the intent of hurting another person. He also does not get revenge, so I don’t expect him to start ignoring me back during the no contact period. Knowing him, it would probably just hurt his feelings and discourage him.
And that is making me feel really bad about ignoring him because he genuinely is a very nice person who means no harm.
But he is behaving very strangely and inconsistently.
According to his family member, he does not want to talk to me anymore. Now, he is sending messages multiple times, all while very very early in the no contact period. I thought it was supposed to happen like 2 weeks into it at least.
Is it normal for him to send messages this early in the period? Especially after supposedly saying that he does not want to talk to me anymore? It has only been 2.5 days…
admin
October 14, 2014 at 3:49 pm
I think it is normal for him to say that. Don’t take it too personally.
I would say the fact that he is saying that means he really does want to talk to you and is annoyed he isn’t being heard from you.
Matilda
October 16, 2014 at 12:23 am
Alright. Thank you!
He checks a website that I post pictures of myself on occasionally and looks at them, I know this because of an IP tracker. I didn’t get the tracker cause of him, I’m not that creepy, promise. What am I supposed to think of this? He said that he didn’t mean a lot of the things he said to me, if he says he doesn’t love me anymore, what’s the point of him looking at my pictures and reading what I write?
Anyway, is it appropriate to put quotes about heartbreak, love, etc. on that website if he checks it occasionally? Just asking, I’ve never seen you write anything about leaving hints about things during NC. I assume that the answer is “no”, because he’s supposed to think that I’m over him, but I’m just wondering.
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:46 pm
It means he is reminiscing and reminiscing is a good thing…
Alex
October 13, 2014 at 6:01 pm
Hi Chris
I have a situation which I don’t think you have covered: I am on day 11 of no contact, but my boyfriend and I have not actually broken up yet.
We had an otherwise completely normal and healthy relationship until about 3 weeks ago when, because we are both going through the most stressful times of our lives right now (me with my career and him with career and also some property renovations he is doing) we were starting to take the stress out on each other a little.
I suggested we take a couple of weeks to deal with out individual stuff and therefore make time that we could spend together as ‘quality over quantity’. At first he was adamant that he would still come and see me that week but obviously a bit of time apart brought it home to him how much we needed the space and we stopped texting/calling as much.
I had noticed it got to the point that if I didn’t text him in a day, I wouldn’t hear anything from him, yet if I did message him, I would hear back as if everything was normal.
After a while I asked him to call me one night and basically asked straight up what the deal was, explaining that if I don’t know why he isn’t contacting me, I don’t know how best to react.
We had a really honest and reasonable conversation where he explained that everything was getting on top of him and that he was aware he was being distant. He mentioned a few times that he feels like he’s not being much of a boyfriend to me and that he keeps telling himself it’s because we’re busy, yet in his own words, ‘he is still making time for everything else’.
Obviously that doesn’t exactly bode well, so I told him I would leave it with him, give him as much space as he needed and joked that I would ‘wait for him to get in touch and dump me’. He was a little upset by that comment, asking why I was being so negative about it and at the end of the conversation was adamant to tell me that he ‘doesn’t think that splitting up is what he wants’.
So yeah, it’s been 11 days and I really do want to give him the space, but it’s getting harder each day and with the amount of time that’s passed, I feel like it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want the relationship any more. The trouble is I have some important final exams (essential to my career that I pass them) in 3 weeks time, so I really need to be focusing on those and not on this relationship which I don’t have closure on. I think he’s probably waiting until after then to finish it, if that is his plan.
I don’t want to break up with him to cut the waiting short as I fundamentally do not believe we should split up over a few difficult weeks.
While doing my best to maintain no contact, what should I do if he does contact me? Given the relationship technically isn’t over, would you advise agreeing to meet, get it over with and then after that I will apply the no contact rule infinitely as I’ve managed it no problem before. Or is it better to just treat it as a break up anyway and do the 30 days?
If he doesn’t contact me before the end of my exams, is it reasonable of me to request that he meet me to finalise things then?
Basically I need the thing that will best help me get this out of my head in the short term to happen, otherwise I might be single AND fail my exams, which would literally suck.
Thanks for reading!
admin
October 14, 2014 at 3:44 pm
Probably ignore him unless he is super adamant about contacting you and then you can shorten your NC to 21 days.
ida
October 11, 2014 at 4:36 pm
Hello again chris! Just a suggestion. Can you please do an article on what is going through the men’s mind after nc period? generally most ladies who visited your site here, are making the first move after nc period. But our ex bfs will all gives us different reactions.
How about “the male mind after the no contact rule” also, what is going through the male’s mind if we ladies keep going back and forth failing to complete 30days nc. Maybe we went one week. Then we contact them. Then back to a few days nc. Then we contact them again. How we ladies can read more into their words and actions.
admin
October 13, 2014 at 6:08 pm
Great suggestion!
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule!
I like it. I think I am going to start writing it today.
Nicki
October 15, 2014 at 12:05 pm
I can’t wait for this! Can you include the male mind after no contact and what they think when you mess up and go back into no contact… Then start the cycle again!
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:42 pm
I am doing the male mind AFTER NC right now. Tomorrow I think it will be done.