By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 21st, 2022

This is a complete guide on how to get the love of your life back in five simple steps. Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we’ve had the luxury of having thousands of success stories come through our doors so we have a pretty good idea what works and what doesn’t work.

In the end we’ve noticed five clear patterns or mindset shifts that our successful clients have and that’s what this guide is going to be about.

  1. Implement The No Contact Rule
  2. Make A Decision On If You Want Them Back Or Not After No Contact
  3. Don’t Reach Out Until You Have Outgrown Your Ex
  4. The Value Ladder And The 7/38/55 Rule
  5. Dating Other People Does Seem To Work Extremely Well

Let’s get started so you can begin the process of winning the love of your life back.

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Step One: Implement The No Contact Rule

Who is really shocked here?

Since the beginning the no contact rule has been the foundational strategy that every aspiring person who wants their ex back usually implements. Yet I’d say our version of the no contact rule is a bit unique since it’s really rooted in attachment styles (more on that in a second.)

Last year I rewrote our core no contact rule article to make it one of the most comprehensive in the world.

In it I even updated the definition of the no contact rule,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

So, there’s two parts to the no contact rule that people generally struggle with.

  1. The ignoring part
  2. The focus part

I’d like to spend a few moments talking about each.

Why It’s A Good Idea To Ignore Your Ex During The No Contact Rule

Generally speaking we tell our clients that there are three time periods to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 day rule
  2. The 30 day rule
  3. The 45 day rule

The first reaction many of them have is that they think it’s too harsh. After all, this person that you deeply cared about doesn’t deserve to be ignored, right? Well, if you’re looking at it that way then it’s time for you to shift your paradigm.

First off, this person most likely broke up with you so who cares what’s best for them. We’re going to do what’s best for you and what we’ve consistently seen with our clients is that constantly talking to your ex after a breakup almost feeds this addiction and makes you exhibit more anxious tendencies.

In attachment theory the goal for everyone is always to take an insecure attachment style and focus it towards being more secure. You can’t do that if you are constantly talking to your ex relying on them for your happiness.

That leads us to the second part of no contact that I see people make mistakes with.

The No Contact Is About Focusing On Yourself Not On Your Ex

The mistake most people make when they begin a no contact rule is that the focus of it is completely on their ex as opposed to themselves.

How can this no contact make my ex miss me? 

What is my ex doing? 

Are they dating someone new?

We try to teach the no contact in a way so that you transform your life. We do this by encouraging you to find other focuses outside of your ex namely within the trinity,

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But let’s move on to step two.

Step #2: Make A Decision On If You Want Them Back Or Not During The End Of No Contact

Almost everyone who comes into our orbit wants their ex back immediately after the breakup and that’s fine but here’s my pitch to you, don’t make a final decision yet.

Especially if you haven’t started a no contact rule yet one thing that our success stories talk about a lot is how they felt transformed by the end of the no contact rule. Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Brandon someone who ended up feeling transformed by the no contact rule and actually chose not to get his ex back because he didn’t really want them back anymore.

That’s the hidden power of the no contact rule in my opinion. We’ve all heard that quote,

When emotions run high, logic runs low.

I really feel like usually at the beginning of a no contact rule emotions are going crazy but by the end logic is starting to take hold and you want to make sure you are making decisions based on logic.

So, while you probably are gung ho to get the love of your life back I would say don’t make a finalized decision on that until after you get to the end of your no contact rule because you’ll find your perspective might be slightly changed.

Step #3: Don’t Reach Out Until You Feel You’ve Outgrown Your Ex

Like I mentioned above one of the things I’m most proud of is how many success stories we’ve had come through this program. Two years ago I decided to conduct an experiment. I decided that I was going to focus my podcasting efforts towards understanding what was actually working for our clients.

What separated the uber successful versus the unsuccessful.

Our findings from that study ended up leading to a complete revamping of the no contact rule definition. Specifically this part,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

What matters is that you outgrow your ex.

Now, what does that mean?

Does it mean you don’t want them back anymore?

Not necessarily.

More than anything the way I look at it is that they are no longer your first priority. You’ve evolved your life in such a way that you have all these other things that give you fulfillment outside of your ex.

ONLY THEN, when you’ve achieved this growth mentality should you consider reaching out to your ex. We’ve noticed that exes tend to be more responsive once you have this mentality because no longer is the world riding on their response.

We also think it has something to do with your shift towards a more secure approach to your life.

Step #4: The Value Ladder And The 7/38/55 Rule

The core of the strategy we teach after the no contact rule is called “the value ladder.” Here’s a handy graphic explaining it,

Here’s how it works. After you’ve completed a no contact rule.

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And you feel you’ve outgrown your ex so they aren’t your number one priority now you enter the texting phase.

The goal of this phase is simple. You’re rebuilding a connection with your ex. You aren’t overdoing it of course but you’re texting and providing value in those conversations. Eventually if things go well things can advance to the phone call stage.

Same thing applies here. All you’re trying to do is build value in a methodical way by utilizing phone calls and text messaging. It should also be noted that the phone call phase can include things like,

  • FaceTime
  • Skype
  • Zoom
  • Other video chat software

Once enough value has been built then you can enter the meetup stage,

Basically you’re climbing that ladder and now you’ve built enough value with your ex that they feel comfortable meeting you in person. They aren’t necessarily ready to pursue an official relationship but things are getting close.

Generally the “meetup stage” has three types of dates to it,

  1. Small meetups
  2. Medium Dates
  3. Romantic Dates

Think of it like a mini value ladder within the value ladder. Generally what happens is by the time you get to the romantic date stage your ex will be the one to ask for you back but just in case they don’t we have a special part to the value ladder dedicated just to that called “the ask.”

For years the value ladder was our preferred method of teaching new clients on how to get the loves of their lives back. The problem was we didn’t really understand why it worked.

That was until I stumbled across this video,

The 7/38/55 rule was first proposed by Albert Mehrabian. According to Masterclass,

The 7-38-55 rule is a concept concerning the communication of emotions. The rule states that 7 percent of meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38 percent through tone of voice, and 55 percent through body language. It was developed by psychology professor Albert Mehrabian at the University of California, Los Angeles, who laid out the concept in his 1971 book Silent Messages (1971).

So, if you look at what is happening with the value ladder you might notice that it revolves around this concept by slowly peeling back the layers of communication as you climb.

  1. With the texting phase of the value ladder we engage with the 7% of meaning conveyed through words.
  2. With the phone call phase we peel back the layer and open up 38% of meaning through phone calls.
  3. Finally with the meetup phase we open up the final 55% of meaning conveyed through body language.

Climb the ladder and you’ll find the results tend to be favorable.

Of course, there’s one other controversial thing we need to talk about if you are going to stack the odds in your favor to win back the love of your life.

Step #5: Dating Other People Seems To Work Really Well

Remember above when I said I spent almost all of 2020 interviewing success stories and I found a few patterns that our successful clients were using.

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We already knew the no contact rule was important.

Heck, we even knew the value ladder was important.

None of those were exactly new findings. The first big shocker for us had more to do with the intentions of our clients. By the time they talked to their exes they were kind of ok not getting them back speaking to that “outgrowth” mindset.

Of course, there was a second shocker.

Dating new people tends to work really well and I think no better example of that can be found through an interview I did last year where I talked to a woman named Jamie,

We think it works well because it creates this fear of loss within your ex and creates scarcity and urgency which if you aren’t aware are part of the six core tenets of commitment.

In fact, what we’ve found is that everything kind of synergizes. By dating other people you start your journey to outgrowing your ex and can simultaneously make yourself more desirable, especially if your ex is an avoidant.

We know based on research that an avoidant will miss you the most when they feel like there’s no chance of a reconnection. Sometimes it’s smart to date other people and who knows, maybe you’ll find someone else to take over the mantle of “love of your life.”

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