Today we’re going to talk about how to get an introvert ex back after a breakup.
Specifically, I’m going to highlight our generalized game plan that we give to our average client who wants to get an ex back and then show you how you would alter it if your ex is an introvert. This means we’re going to be covering things like,
- The Value Ladder For Introverts
- The Major Differences Between Introverts And Extroverts
- If Attachment Styles Have Any Correlation Between The Introvert Temperament
- The Importance Of Alone Time For The Introvert
Let’s get right to it.
Understanding The Value Ladder For Introverts
If you’ve identified your ex as being an introvert and you are interested in getting them back then usually the journey starts with a concept I like to call “The Value Ladder.”
Now, if you are familiar with our website then you’d know that the value ladder is something I recommend to all clients interested in getting their exes back. I designed it in a way so that it can act as a universal crutch you can fall back on no matter the situation you find yourself in.
- If you want your ex back, the value ladder can be used.
- If you want to get a romantic partner to commit to you, it can be used.
Often where people get tripped up though is when their situation tends to be a bit more unique. For example, what if you are going through a breakup and find yourself in any of the following situations,
- Long distance
- You’re blocked
- They’re dating someone new
In those cases the value ladder will need to be altered. Notice I say altered and not changed. Being in a situation where you are trying to get an introvert back requires alterations and not changes to the overall strategy.
So, our journey with introverts starts first with understanding the value ladder.
My immediate recommendation is to read this article. It’s lengthy and will probably take you an hour to get through but if you want to understand our entire process from start to finish that’s the best free resource I can provide you with outside of our program.
Of course, if you want the quick cliff notes version of the value ladder here it is.
In a nutshell the value ladder is a step by step process for re-establishing contact with your ex and communicating in a way that makes reconciliation more likely. The idea is to slowly rebuild value with your ex through every step.
There are a total of five steps in the process,
- Phone call phase
- Meetup Phase
- Dating Phase
- The Ask Phase
Of course, before you are allowed to “enter” those phases you need to do a period of no contact to get your mind right. So, technically there are six phases the the value ladder,
- The no contact rule
- The phone call phase
- The meetup phase
- The dating phase
- The ask phase
The goal is really comically simple. Slowly climb that later so that you are building value with them throughout each of the phases but if you are dating an introvert or trying to get one back none of the core concepts need to get changed.
The changes are more stylistic than anything but in order to understand them I need to teach you about the major difference between introverts and extroverts. Once we have that understanding then we’ll swoop back around and “update” the value ladder concept.
The Major Differences Between Introverts And Extroverts
Carl Jung, famed Swiss psychiatrist probably has my favorite quotes on introverts and extroverts ever,
Introverts turn to their own minds to recharge, while extroverts seek out other people for their energy needs.
This in a nutshell describes how extroverts and introverts operate.
Generally speaking people who are introverts are likely to,
- Be very thought oriented
- Seek out depth and knowledge
- Prefer deeper more substance based interactions
- Crave solitude
Compared to extroverts who tend to be,
- Action oriented
- Prefer frequent interaction with others
- Be looked at as extremely social
- Prefer to work with teams
But one of the things I’ve noticed from success stories is that generally speaking looking at exes in terms of extroverts and introverts can sometimes give us a clue at how long the entire recovery process will take. Most of our quicker success stories have exes who tend to be extroverted while the longer ones have exes that tend to be introverted.
At first my initial thought was pointing out a potential connection between introversion and avoidant attachment styles but it’s important to look at the distinction between the two.
Does The Avoidant Attachment Style Correlate To The Introvert Temperament?
It’s super easy to get these mixed up.
Both appear to be inward seeking people who value self sufficiency and independence but there are important distinction we need to make.
I’ve been talking a lot about avoidant attachment styles lately so I’d recommend starting there if you are confused at what they are.
In a nutshell though someone who has an avoidant attachment style values their own independence and self sufficiency above all so much so that they often sabotage their own relationships in an effort to retain it.
So, how is that different than an introvert?
According to Avalon Malibu,
Introverted personality– A shy or introverted person still tries to face situations that generate discomfort. The situation may be unpleasant, yet the person tries to convey the message that they are enjoying it. The desire to integrate socially is sufficient to overcome the preference to be alone. Key: The person with an introverted personality does not feel anxiety when it is necessary to maintain social contact.
Avoidant personality disorder– A person with AvPD has given up on facing situations that generate fear. As much as humanly possible, they avoid any anxiety-generating situation and do everything possible not to be noticed. Key: The person with AvPD feels overwhelming anxiety/fear that severely disrupts or prevents social contact.
Nevertheless I find this to be an incredibly interesting thread to pull on. Most people researching this aren’t looking specifically at breakups like we have and while I will be the first to say you need to take what I’m about to say next with a grain of salt as it’s simply my hypothesis I think there might actually be some merit to it. So, here it is.
I personally believe that many of our clients exes who are classified as avoidant have more introverted personalities. So, there is an interesting overlap to explore here.
Essentially most breakups that we are seeing are with men (or women) who exhibit both introverted qualities as well as avoidant ones. Of course, I like to do my own internal research and compare that to what else I can find to back up my assertions so off I went on my quest. I started first by finding out if most of my clients classified themselves as introverts or extroverts.
Interestingly, most of my clients overwhelmingly considered themselves introverted in the limited amount of time I ran the poll (I was on an article deadline here.) Nevertheless, over 50 people participated so I felt confident the numbers would continue trending in the direction they were.
(I’ll update the poll in a few days after this article posts with the final numbers)
So, seeing that most of our clients ended up as introverts I decided to take a look to see what the dating numbers were like on if introverts ended up in relationships with other introverts or other extroverts. The results were really interesting.
I ended up stumbling across this research done by YouGov,
It took me a while to understand the poll as it’s pretty confusing but here’s the gist. On average opposites do not attract, they can and will, but the results ended up like this.
- If you are completely extroverted you are overwhelmingly more likely to be dating another completely extroverted person
- If you are more extroverted than introverted then you are a little more likely to date someone who is a little more extroverted than introverted
- If you are more introverted than extroverted then you are more likely to have a partner that is also more introverted than extroverted
- If you are completely introverted then you are more likely not to have a partner
My take away was this. Since it seems a huge portion of our clients consider themselves introverted that probably means their exes are also introverted. We also know from doing polls that the vast majority of our clients believe their exes are avoidant,
So, it does seem there is some merit to the avoidant introvert combination for our clients during breakups. This is an important concept to understand because it’s going to help us understand how you need to alter the value ladder when dealing with an introvert.
The Importance Of Alone Time For An Introvert
Above I showed you a poll I conducted in 2021 where we found out that 70% of participants believed their exes were avoidant. We know from other internal research that most of our clients exhibit anxious behaviors.
So, usually what ends up happening when the anxious and avoidant get together is the self fulfilling cycle loop.
This is something I’ve talked a lot about in previous articles. Essentially though the main point is that usually during phase three of the eight phase cycle is where the avoidant gets set off by anxious behaviors in the relationship and they use that to self sabotage the relationship.
Of course, the anxious person just continues to dig in and fix the problem which in turn makes the problem bigger and eventually a breakup occurs.
Our goal is to help you communicate in a way so that you can re-attract your introvert ex. Weirdly, the best way to do that is give them alone time so they can almost get recharged.
So, here are the major alterations I would make to the value ladder.
I apologize for my sloppy handwriting but there are really three enhancements I would make.
- During the texting phase I would try to extend your response times between conversations.
- During the phone call phase I would definitely harp on the zeigarnik effect
- During the meetup phase I would encourage you to extend the amount of meetups you go on before you up things to romantic date level
Let’s take a moment and talk a bit about how to do each of those things.
Extending Response Time Between Conversations
Remember, the introvert gains energy and excitement when they are left to their own devices. So, sometimes the mistake people make is when they get overly excited about things going well with an introverted ex they push things too quickly and don’t give them enough space to miss them or even think about the conversation which can trigger some of their avoidant traits (assuming your ex has an avoidant attachment style.)
Harp On The Zeigarnik Effect During The Phone Call Phase
The zeigarnik effect essentially states,
People are more prone to remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
Since you want the introvert to think about you positively after you are talking on the phone it’s ideal to become better at locating the high point of the conversation and quickly ending the conversation after,
The thinking is simple. An introvert, when they are alone if they are left on the high of the conversation that will become their prevailing thought and they’ll be more prone to look at you in a more valuable light.
Extend The Meetup Phase
The thinking here is simple. Not all introverts need to be alone all the time. In fact, many introverts are more comfortable being around a small group of close friends and family as opposed to a huge part. Think of a marriage proposal as an example.
Let’s say we have two introverts who get married. They are likely going to opt for a small wedding where they only invite their closest friends and family. This is in their comfort zone.
So, sometimes with an introvert you don’t need to pull out all the stops on a romantic date. For them the depth of the conversations you have matter more than anything else. So, I’d put more of my focus on ensuring you are hitting on that depth in conversations during meetup type dates.
Oh, and don’t forget to end these dates prematurely.
The Zeigarnik effect applies here too.