Today we’re going to be talking in-depth about how to get an emotionally unavailable man to chase you.
Specifically I’m going to show you our seven step method/ideals that hundreds of our clients have utilized to make men chase after them in some of the most difficult circumstances you could imagine.
- Understand The Similarity Between Emotionally Unavailable Men And Avoidants
- Learn To Overcome Oneitis
- Become A Master At Identifying Dips In Attraction
- Pull Back When Those Dips Happen
- Ensure You Have Hidden Depth
- Accept That You May Have To Be The One To Initiate Things
- Have Patience And Emotional Control
If you’re ready to dive “all in” on emotionally unavailable men then you came to the right place.
Step One: Understanding The Similarity Between Emotionally Unavailable Men And Avoidant Men
Generally speaking when we talk about someone who is “emotionally unavailable” we are referring the the following behaviors,
Someone who has trouble receiving and reciprocating love and affection from others
Lately I’ve been doing quite a bit of research on Avoidants on our website,
I couldn’t quite help but notice how similar “avoidants” are to emotionally unavailable men. I mean just look at the definition of an avoidant,
The avoidant will have difficulty accessing feelings, value their own independence highly and often withdraw from relationships when they sense that independence is being threatened.
There’s a psychological reason for that withdrawal too.
Growing up the avoidant often coped with extreme bouts of stress or anxiety by being alone. So, it’s literally like their “safe place.”
Of course, our society likes to label everything so you’ll often get these “experts” or “gurus” disagreeing on what is what.
For example, some people believe there is a difference between emotionally unavailability and avoidants. Here’s my take.
Someone who is emotionally unavailable is often an avoidant attachment style. In other words, their unavailability is a symptom of the root cause being avoidance.
So, while you may have gone to Google and typed in, “How do I make an emotionally unavailable man chase me” what you really want to know is “what do I have to do to make an avoidant man chase me.”
Well, buckle up because I’m going to tell you.
Step Two: Overcome Oneitis
This may seem corny but watch this,
I promise it relates.
That entire video revolves around an ancient philosophy called stoicism.
What I love about stoicism is that it’s completely focused on the self. By focusing only on what you control can you author fortune down the road.
Unfortunately most women that come into our ecosystem fall victim to a concept I like to call “oneitis.”
Oneitis: where you get so focused on this one guy your entire world revolves around either attracting him or getting him back.
The biggest irony perhaps is the fact that the only way to get that guy to chase you (which is what you came here for) is by focusing on something else other than him. In terms of stoicism you are only focusing your energy on the one thing you can’t control, the emotionally unavailable guy.
One of the things I’m most proud of is my outlook on the world. Many have lauded my “groundbreaking” philosophy of the holy trinity.
Basically by focusing on those three areas of life you can try to give your life balance so that you aren’t focusing so much on an ex or a guy that isn’t reciprocating your love.
Yet the flaw I see with the holy trinity concept of focusing your life around your,
Is that prolonged exposure to this kind of thinking doesn’t really lead to overall fulfillment.
Generally speaking you need to find a greater purpose than yourself AND THEN do the holy trinity.
So, here’s my advice.
Find your purpose (and it can’t be to get a man) it needs to be something so powerful that you’d be willing to give up that man in pursuit of it.
I’ve been referring to this as finding your magnum opus,
Of course, when I have coaching calls with women and I explain this concept to them and ask them what their magnum opus is it’s usually crickets….
They don’t know.
And THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
Start from within and then work outwards which is where the path to making the emotionally unavailable guy chase you starts.
Step Three: Become A Master At Identifying Dips In Attraction
The concept I’m about to explain to you can be applied across all mediums of relationship but for illustration purposes I’m just going to be focused on conversational dips in attraction.
Lately I’ve been using this graphic a lot to describe a concept called “the zeigarnik effect.”
We can get into the zeigarnik effect a little bit later but right now I simply want to explain the flow of a conversation.
Every single time you have a conversation with a guy you are interested in there is a certain flow to the conversation.
- The beginning is usually the typical “feeling each other out” period.
- There’s a high point.
- And then there’s the point in which you run out of things to talk about.
Being at one with this flow can usually give you a good idea how well the two of you are “vibing.”
In the graphic above you can see I’ve put little arrows at the high point of the conversation. Usually this is when things are going well. However, sometimes with an emotionally unavailable man it can seem like they aren’t very engaged in the conversation or the conversation never really gets off the ground.
I like to call these “failures to liftoff”
Dips: When an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t seem engaged or interested in having a conversation with you while you are having a conversation
The natural assumption when you experience a dip is to immediately try to fix the problem right away. However, we’ve found the opposite to be true.
When they pull back, you pull back
More on that concept in a moment.
For now all I want you to focus on is identifying these “dips” in attraction. Usually if any of the following have happened you have encountered a dip,
- The guy doesn’t seem engaged in the conversation
- He becomes overly moody
- Your gut tells you something is off with the way he’s acting
- He appears secretive
Once you have identified a dip you can then enact step four.
Step Four: Pull Back When The Dips Happen
For years my coaches and I have been chanting the following war cry in response to avoidants,
When they pull back, you pull back
And for years our clients have been thanking us,
It works so well for us because we have found the majority of our clients have anxious attachment styles while their exes tend to be avoidants. Since the anxious attachment style puts so much of their identity into their relationships they have a tendency to overcrowd the avoidant trying to fix the problems right away.
There’s nothing an avoidant hates more than someone who overcrowds them so they have a tendency to run away.
Yet it’s the secure person who has it right. You see, when an anxious person encounters a “dip” from their partner they try to fix it right away because their mind goes to the absolute worst place emotionally.
A secure person when they encounter a “dip” just simply assumes the person needs time.
And that’s exactly what an avoidant needs.
According to Free to Attach,
Avoidants invest heavily in things outside relationships – some (not all) can be quite social and have a wide network of friends on a surface level where in-depth emotional relationships are not required. Even though they have difficulty connecting to their own emotions they are very attuned to the needs of people around them socially. However, usually they are introverted by nature and need time and space by themselves to recharge.
So, even though it may not seem like it’s the best way to deal with an avoidant I can assure you that pulling back is in your best interest.
Step Five: Ensure You Have Hidden Depth
One of my best friends in the world has been accused of being emotionally unavailable and I know for a fact that he has an avoidant attachment style.
Often he’ll complain of his girlfriends to me when they aren’t giving him enough space. Yet that all changed in 2020 when he told me that he had found “the one.” This was the first girl he had ever talked about in this way so it immediately caught my interest.
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone.”
“She’s way out of my league I can’t believe she fell for me.”
You get the idea.
So, a few months go by and I get him on the phone and I can’t help but notice that he’s not talking about his girlfriend at all. So, after a few minutes I decide to bring it up and he basically tells me that he was wrong about her.
“She’s just like all the other ones… I was too quick to proclaim her as different.”
His explanation was super insightful and luckily I have a YouTube video to illustrate it perfectly,
Basically he told me that he felt like he had peeled back all the layers she had to offer and had a thought like, “that’s it?”
He felt like he had learned everything there was to learn about this girl and the fact that there was nothing new to learn or explore made him pull away. Again, a consistent theme we see among avoidant attachment styles is something called the “phantom ex syndrome.”
Avoidants love to exist in this space between relationships where they can constantly have one foot out the door and one foot in. They are always looking for an excuse to leave if someone doesn’t understand how to speak their language.
It’s also interesting to note that in addition to the “layers” explanation he told me that she never gave him any space. Well, these two components put together had him looking for a way out.
So, how does any of this help you make an emotionally unavailable man chase you?
Simple, when you do interact subtly remind him that there are hidden depths to you that he isn’t aware of. Yet it’s always better to show instead of tell. This is often where social media comes into play. If they can see you doing something they had no clue you knew how to do it creates this extra element of interest and ensures they realize they don’t know everything about you just yet.
I also feel it’s important to mention that this is yet another “component” that is based on cultivating yourself as opposed to giving you some ridiculous tactic that will “work 100% of the time.”
In whatever time you spend apart while you are giving him space I’d like to see you invest that time into the best investment you can ever invest in, yourself.
Step Six: Accept That You May Have To Be The One To Initiate Things
I feel like this is probably the step where I’m going to get the most pushback because I’m trying to buck a trend that has been ingrained in you since you first started dating.
What matters more isn’t who starts the conversation but who ends the conversation.
THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE WITH EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN!
Here’s the thing about avoidants.
Generally speaking they don’t like “initiating.”
Because it makes them feel vulnerable and they don’t like feeling vulnerable. To illustrate this point I’d like to point to a study I performed last year based on how many ex boyfriends reached out to their ex girlfriends during a no contact rule.
General consensus would have you believe that the no contact rule greatly enhances the chances of having an ex reach out to you first but according to our research that’s simply not true.
Well, we think it’s because of the fact that most of these exes are avoidants and they don’t want to allow themselves to be vulnerable during such a vulnerable time. That’s not to say that they don’t reciprocate interest at the beginning.
In fact, many avoidants fall deeply in love during the honeymoon period. Yet it’s when they face the eventual tipping point of a deeper commitment that things start to change for them.
- They become hot and cold
- They seem disengaged
- You push harder
- And eventually they threaten to leave
Of course, now that you’ve learned the concept of “the dip” you have a clear idea of how to handle that aspect of the relationship (when they pull back, you pull back.)
Yet you will often find yourself in the initiator position throughout much of the relationship which is perhaps an aggravating aspect for you to swallow.
I mentioned above that the ziegnarik effect is a helpful component for you to adopt if you want a man to chase you. In fact, I think it’s the single most important thing that no one ever talks about.
What is it?
Simply put it’s a psychological principle that states people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones
Remember that graphic above?
Imagine you initiate a conversation with the emotionally unavailable man and the conversation goes pretty well. You allow the conversation to unfold and eventually you locate a high point in the conversation.
The natural tendency for you is to continue the conversation but the ziegarnik effect would have you interrupt the conversation at the high point.
Our clients have found that if you consistently do this to an avoidant you can actually make them reach out to you.
Which is what you want, right?
Step Seven: Have Patience And Emotional Control
This may seem like a “throw away” sign but it’s arguably the one that goes the longest.
We have found that the longest time period for a breakup recovery (when a client is trying to get an ex back) is always that of someone trying to get a fearful avoidant back.
Simply because it takes them a lot of time before they are ready to commit again and it takes a lot of emotional control on your end to actually achieve success.
Our average success story happens around the 5 month mark of working with us,
The average success story for a fearful avoidant takes about 8-12 months. I think it’s because of the “when they pull back, you pull back” mentality. Naturally there will be moments where you are forced to tap into your patience because they need time and you don’t want to push them too much.
So, once again it all comes back to the stoic philosophy of improve thyself.
If you aren’t a very patient person look at this as an opportunity to learn how to become one.
If you don’t have a lot of emotional control then again, this is an opportunity to obtain it.