I’m going to show you how to cope with your ex finding someone new.
And no this isn’t the type of article that is meant to give you blanket advice.
I’m talking about what actually works.
How do I know what actually works?
Well, I run one of the largest breakup websites and facebook communities in the world.
Don’t believe me?
That’s ERP (short for The Ex Recovery Program)
Currently we have around 7,300 members active in the group.
In preparation for this article I decided to ask the members what actually worked for them.
Here’s what they came up with,
- The “It’s Their Loss” Mentality
- Secure Attachment Gravity
- Finding Something You Care About More Than Your Ex
- Focusing On The Trinity
- Dating Someone New Yourself
As always, we have a lot to discuss.
Adopting The “It’s Their Loss” Mentality
It’s never an easy thing to deal with an ex who drops you and moves on to someone else.
One of the common themes that you’re going to see throughout this article is how a lot of the behavioral shifts that work only work because they get you to stop focusing on your ex so much.
And that’s exactly what I love about the “it’s their loss” mentality.
I actually don’t tell this story a lot because I consider some of the previous products I’ve created to be inferior to the new products.
However, one of the things that I got right was this idea of “The Gatsby Method.”
Obviously taken from the famous book, The Great Gatsby or for those who watch movies, the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio,
In the book, “The Great Gatsby” we have Jay Gatsby (DiCaprio) who essentially throws all these parties and has this insane lifestyle that everyone is envious of all to attract a long lost love, Daisy.
The book ends not so favorably for our dear Mr. Gatsby but I think it teaches us a valuable lesson about attraction.
If you can make yourself into someone worth envying it can make your ex regret their decision to leave you and partner with someone else.
That is the Gatsby Method.
It’s all about taking on life so that you can show your ex what a mistake they made leaving you and you’ll see that idea pretty much present in my theory on what works to get exes back.
By focusing on how you can better your own circumstances you can often catch your exes eye again, even if they are with someone else.
Secure Attachment Gravity
Can I level with you?
I’m tried. Not just today, as I write this article but of talking about the same things over and over again.
I have moments where I think,
“Are people going to realize that I’ve talked about “secure attachment gravity” before and just roll their eyes and shout, “you’ve already taught us this.”
And yet it hasn’t happened.
Which means one of two things.
- You either have taken my lesson to heart and have grown so confident with your life that you aren’t even reading my articles or watching my videos anymore
- You haven’t really taken the gravity concept to heart at all
So, here goes again.
There are four core attachment styles.
- Anxious Style
- Avoidant Style
- Fearful Style
- Secure Style
But there are two categories within these four core styles.
- Secure styles
- Insecure styles
The goal for every person on earth is to adopt more secure attachment tendencies.
Because doing so will actually pull other insecure attachments (like your ex) towards you and can actually lead by example so they are emotionally affected enough to start becoming more secure themselves.
I’ve even done a handy graphic illustrating this point,
But when you add in the fact that your ex has moved on to someone else it brings up another interesting element and that’s the concept of the being there method.
Coach Anna and I have talked a lot about this before,
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the being there method is the singular fact that it operates on a bet.
The Bet: Your exes new girlfriend/boyfriend will have an insecure attachment.
So, by simply by “being there” WITH a secure attachment you can aggravate that other persons insecure attachment so they sabotage the relationship they are in with your ex and simultaneously look like the better choice to your ex.
I’ll admit, it’s a bit morally grey but it operates wholly on attachment styles.
BUT the prerequisite is that you need to have a secure style for it to work.
So, how do you do that?
Finding Something You Care About More Than Your Ex
I thought this comment from the group summed up this idea best.
Distraction. It was very hard to shift attention to your needs from your ex. After all the years you had together, it’s difficult to make that change. As I mentioned above, I have made a list of goals I wanted to achieve such as modelling, starting my business & going back to school. As I was working on the goals, I have felt so accomplished and proud of myself. I didn’t even noticed at the time I was doing NC.
This individual talks a lot about goals. I’ll talk about this in a moment.
However, there’s an important concept that needs to be discussed. One of the primary ways that I believe our program is different from my other peers in the industry is our handling of the no contact rule.
Most teach it as a strategy to get your ex back. By ignoring them for a certain period of time it can make them want to come back.
We used to teach it that way as well.
Until we found that it didn’t work.
Like at all.
Instead, what we found worked was this idea of outgrowing your ex.
Getting to a place where you can find something more important than them that you are willing to invest your time into. In fact, it’s gotten to the point that I don’t think you should even reach out to an ex until you already have that thing lined up.
Because it puts the breakup into perspective.
How it isn’t the end of the world.
And generally if you find something that you are that passionate about it’s going to make you more interesting to not just your ex but all the individuals in your life.
Focusing On The Trinity
It always comes back to the trinity though doesn’t it?
Trying to balance these three core areas of your life out.
The synergy between the three of them.
A lot of the answers I got on my question in the group revolved around the trinity,
It’s another one of those things that I’ve talked about so much I’ve really lost new ways to talk about it. So, instead of going over it again and again I thought I’d highlight one of the things I’ve been doing myself lately.
It’s a trinity hack.
You know that thing that I want you to find that you care more about than your ex.
Well, I’d like to add another prerequisite.
Make sure that thing covers every area of the trinity.
- Make sure it helps your mental health or physical health
- Make sure it’s something you could make money from
- Make sure it’ll connect you with interesting individuals
I’ll tell you a story about what can happen when you find this thing.
When I’m in work mode my days are pretty simple.
- I’ll wake up and work on this website, youtube, coaching,etc
- Then I’ll get a workout in
- Then I’ll spend time with my family
- Then I’ll work again (usually on my book)
- Then I’ll repeat the same day over again
I have the whole trinity covered.
But it’s really that last thing that I look forward to the most.
Working on my book.
That’s my magnum opus. The thing that I’m passionate about.
Of course, I don’t make any money from it (yet.)
So, it’s usually the last thing I work on.
Today was different though. Something in me when I woke up today said that I needed to get some work in on the book first.
And that’s what I did.
I worked on it.
Got sucked into it.
The concept of time didn’t really matter to me.
I was just immersed in it and somewhere around hour two I had a thought.
“I’m having too much fun for someone who should be working.”
FIND SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT!
And you’ll know you are on the right track.
Dating Someone New Yourself
One of the coolest success story interviews I ever did was with Jamie Cantrell,
This woman is inspiring for a lot of different reasons but one of the things I appreciated most about the interview was her candidness about dating after a breakup.
At first it sucks.
You don’t want to do it.
You aren’t in the “right frame of mind” to date.
But what separates Jamie from our average interviewee was her ability to look at the big picture.
She knew that simply by treating this as a numbers game she could accomplish two things.
- Potentially find someone who was an even better fit for her than her ex
- Get over the breakup with her ex
And the funny thing is that the more dates she want on the more confidence she gained.
The more attention she got.
I mean, take a look at this quote from our interview,
Those guys will say, they’ll make comments like, wow, I don’t know that I can compete with all of these other guys, you have a string of guys that are hitting you up on social media. Are you talking to any of them? How can I compete with that? Or, you know, and you can just smile and say, hey, you know, maybe the best man wins.
This woman is the epitome of someone who values herself.
And that’s really what I think the issue is when it comes to dealing with exes who move on to someone else so quickly after breakups.
That action can make us feel worthless.
Make us feel like we meant nothing to them.
But in the end the people I respect most in the world are people who get knocked down, stand up and then keep going.