Today I’d like to do a deep dive into answering how often it is that you never hear from a dumper again after a breakup.
The general consensus argues that it’s pretty common for exes to stay in touch with one another. Before writing this article, that was the assumption that I had operated on. However, according to my research most exes who dump you will not actually reach out to you first, you’ll have to reach out to them.
In fact, for years I have argued pretty vehemently for my clients to reach out to their exes. However, even I wasn’t aware of how skewed the data was.
First things first, let’s take a look at the data set I used to come to this conclusion and then we will dive a bit deeper into the “why.”
Taking A Look At Out Internal Polls
I started first with what I knew. A few years ago I conducted this poll,
In which I questioned members of our private facebook support group on how often their exes had reached out to them during no contact.
Now, if there is one fly in the ointment so to speak it would be the fact that technically this poll isn’t answering a perfect match of the question that we’re really trying to answer here on if a dumper will reach out to you again.
But I feel it’s close enough to matter. After all, 90% of our clients have been broken up with by their exes.
So, we know from this poll that 62% of exes actually don’t reach out during no contact.
But that’s no contact. What about the average person on the internet surfing around?
The Forum Roundup On Never Hearing Back From A Dumper
This is where things got really interesting. Before I started writing this article I spent an hour looking online through random forum threads that I felt had a direct correlation to what we’re looking at here.
The reason I chose forums threads is because they are publicly available.
I noticed one of my competitors writing a similar article to this one but I found their data to be a little suspect. They had nice charts and graphics but they weren’t really willing to show WHERE their data came from. Now, I’m not saying their data was made up.
I just know we live in a day and age where everyone is extra skeptical. So, to prevent that from happening here I wanted to show you the exact forums I pulled from.
Here’s the thing though, if you’ve ever read through these forums it can become a little muddy. Not everyone answers the ultimate question being asked.
As such, Instead of dividing answers into a simple “yes” or “no” I came up with a third option. Here is how I divided everyone’s answers,
- Heard from an ex again
- Did not answer the question
- Did not hear from an ex again
I decided to pull from three forum threads,
- Reddit again
Let’s take a look at the data.
The Loveshack Forum Data
- Heard From Ex Again: 13
- Did Not Answer: 2
- Did Not Hear From Ex Again: 10
Reddit Forum Data
- Heard From Ex Again: 1
- Did Not Answer: 5
- Did Not Hear From Ex Again: 4
Reddit (Again) Forum Data
- Heard From Ex Again: 2
- Did Not Answer: 1
- Did Not Hear From Ex Again: 7
So, now it’s time for some fancy pie charts,
By the way “DNA” means, “Did Not Answer.”
Ok, so the final tallies are,
- 46.7% of dumpers did not reach out
- 17.8% of answers were inconclusive
- 35.6% of dumpers did reach out
But where the numbers get super interesting is if you take out that inconclusive number out.
- 43.2% say yes, the dumper reached out
- 56.8% say no, the dumper never did.
57% (if you round up) isn’t too far off my 62% number above. Here’s the point I’m getting at. All the research I’ve done about dumper behavior post breakup seems to lend itself to them not reaching out on average.
Well, that’s the next thing I’m going to tackle here.
Why Don’t Dumpers Reach Out Usually?
I personally think that the answer might lie in studying attachment styles.
Most of our clients report that their exes tend to have avoidant attachments.
By a pretty wide margin.
Now, one of the tell tale signs of an avoidant attachment style is how they can seemingly drop off the face of the earth and pretend you or your relationship never existed.
According to Free To Attach,
Often avoidants won’t initiate contact with their exes, and they rarely unilaterally initiate reuniting because it creates uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, and they can feel they don’t know how go about fixing things.
My colleague, Coach Anna even made the argument in an interview I did with her last year that sometimes contacting an avoidant can bring them back to the trauma of the relationship.
Here’s the thing you need to know about avoidants, they value their independence, arguably more than any romantic connection in their life.
So, anyone or anything that threatens that independence triggers them and they’ll avoid.
But perhaps even more interesting of the avoidant attachment style is their inherent obsession with a concept called the phantom ex.
Phantom Ex Obsession
I’ve talked a lot about this concept before in my articles on avoidants so I know if you’ve read my stuff before you’ll have heard it.
At the heart of every avoidant lies a paradox. They have a need to be loved but they never let anyone close enough to give them that love.
As such, their way compromising is by engaging in a phenomenon called a phantom ex. Watch this if you’d like a complete breakdown,
The phantom ex phenomenon occurs when your ex paints you as “the one that got away.”
- They obsess about you.
- Think about the great times you had together
- Essentially they only look at the good and forget the bad.
Once again, citing Free To Attach,
The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else.
An avoidant dumper doesn’t want to contact you. They want to keep you in head limbo as a phantom ex which probably explains why we are seeing an over 50% rate of dumpers not even reaching out after a breakup.
So, what does this mean for you?
Put simply, if you want a relationship with your ex then you have a couple of things to reconcile,
- You are most likely going to have to be the one to reach out to them first.
- You are going to need to learn how to handle an avoidant attachment style.
Now, yesterday I wrote an article basically that was an entire argument for why I believe the days of women waiting for men to reach out to them are long gone.
I think I make a pretty strong case for why I believe it benefits women to reach out first after a breakup if they want any type of relationship with their ex.
If not, then guess what. Just move on with your life. I think you’ll find that even doing that makes you more attractive to them because if there’s one thing men become obsessed with it’s craving that which they do not have.