The Definitive Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

8,582 thoughts on “The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

Felicity

June 9, 2015 at 1:03 am

Hi Chris,

I think I can guess the answer, but just want reaffirmation as I don’t want to mess this up.

My ex and I split 15 days ago. He broke up with me while drunk the week before, because we had been arguing a bit (we don’t shout when we argue though, and it was usually once a week. We are travellers and so it can get stressful). We sorting things out the next day. Then a week later I saw he got a picture message from a mutual traveller friend (who we see once/ twice a week within a group of friends). He wouldn’t show me and promised me it was nothing. He’s never lied to me before, but I couldn’t shake it and checked his phone he next day. He hadn’t cheated on me, but he’d been flirty messaging with her for the past week. It was his lie that did it for me. So I broke up with him.

We did part on great terms though. We had a nice long chat, and as I left we both said we hoped this would just turn into a break, and that we both loved each other.

I had already decided that day I didn’t want to contact him for a month… But then found your site that evening (love it… You’re awesome and very inciteful!) which reaffirmed things.
I moved onto a different state 2 days ago. Although (before I found your site) I did remove him off facebook, we have 50 mutual friends. So he’s going to know I carried on travelling.

I woke up to a text from him this morning saying “I miss you”. Thrilled obviously. Just want to check (and I already know what you’re going to say) that I do carry on to the 30 days.

Thanks 🙂
Gen

June 7, 2015 at 3:33 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex broke up with me about 2.5 months ago after some arguments. During the first month post break up, we still talked positively every few days. However, after the first month, I told him that these times confuses me and that I might need more time away from him to move on if there isn’t any chance of getting back together. Ever since then, his responses got colder and even ignored my messages at times. We’re texting less now and it’s mostly neutral/no response. I’ve never done NC ever since the break up. Is it too late if I start doing NC after 2.5 months post break up? Would this lead to him getting used to life without me and forgetting about me?

Would really love to hear your advice whether it’s too late to start NC or if I should continue building rapport in my case.

Thanks for your guide!
Is it worth it?

June 7, 2015 at 2:35 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m looking for some advice, please. My husband passed away 3 years ago and my life has been rolling along very nicely. I have only had 2 men in my life. My husband and I were together 25 years. He had cancer for 13 years. We had our ups and downs and he ended up cheating on me and moving out for 6 months. I have 3 kids. 25 , 11 and 7 year old. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I’m a hairstylist and one of my clients asked me out and I accepted. This is back in August 2014. His is older than I and is coming out of a bitter divorce. He says it’s been about a 1 1/2. He’s done some dating before us. A couple of months into the relationship he told me he loved me and was telling everyone he was going to marry me. He was very affectionate and was doing everything to show me he cared. We were spending a lot of time together. Little time with kids. About a month ago we went out to dinner, we drove by a reception hall, he made a comment that he doesn’t want to remarry. He is still dealing with last divorce. He went from wanting to get married to not. I than told him that someday I want to get remarried, but at this moment in time were not ready. He came back next day and said if in a few years he would if that’s what I wanted. About a month ago I mentioned to him we need to start acclaimating the kids in. That’s when things starting changing, less texting not as much affection. Were still hanging out a lot. These last few weeks there has been dramatic change. My gut was kicking in high gear. He was uncomfortable and showing all the signs that something was wrong. He is aware of my insecurities, I asked many times what’s going on. I was now checking is phone and becoming clingy. I new better, but couldn’t help it. There were some women on his Facebook who were contacting him. One is an old classmate who has moved back to area(recently divorced) and the other I’m not sure, but she asked him to a concert and said she thinks of him time to time. He said no cause he had prior engagement. He did not mention he has me. So, tonight we go to family function and i can see he is not happy, no eye contact or affection. I ask him what’s wrong and he said we can talk later. He tells he loves me but is not in love, it’s not me it’s him, I’m a great person. He thought he was ready for relationship, he doesn’t want to take on kids. He still scared from last marriage cause she controlled him. He likes being alone and that he didn’t like the fact I was checking his phone and that I would call him to find out we’re he was. (That was wrong) He said he was thinking about the relationship for a month and was miserable. He was waiting to see if that would change. What? Communication would of been good. As I was leaving he hugged me and began to cry and asked if I would ever speak to him again. Of course I will, I have to get my stuff. He said he will call in a few days. I want what we had, do I fight to get it back? My emotions are everywhere, I want to call him and fix what’s wrong. But I can’t. What advice can you give me
Thank you for having this site.
Greta

June 5, 2015 at 9:12 pm

Hi Chris,

I have been dating my bf for 3 years and he is 22 and I am 34. He lied about his age in the beginning and other white lies. He is not a drinker and level headed has savings already. But, I have never met his friends and he said that it was because they are stupid and he seemed to always have an excuse. I caught him in lies where he said he was studying but I found out finals were already over. Also, the Tinder app popped up 5 months ago and he said he was using it to rate girls. Then we would have some problems because I would nag and go off on him when I would drink because he is always chatting with random girls and has his phone locked. So, I caught him again on it and he said he got it when we were not talking again because he wanted to see what was out there. Finally, I asked him if wanted to date other people last week… he said I don’t want to be with you and was rude. He said we can be friends. Then next day he texted me hi. I am wondering if it was another girl or me.. Also I thought he wanted me in his life and wondering if I should move on completely. The night he broke up with me he was chatting a girl who he claimed his friend. Then in the morning I saw she said thank you Jeff. night night. fell better. He was not sick and with me. Blah… I am hurt and need you’re honest opinion on how to deal with him when he try’s to contact me.
Isabelle

June 5, 2015 at 6:08 am

Hi Chris,

Love the article but I have a few questions in regards to my own situation. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 11 months. We met online and talked for a month before meeting in person. On our first date, we got along so well and everything just clicked. We were officially together a month later, agreeing we wanted to be exclusive. He and I had so much in common and enjoyed each other’s time greatly. We never fought and took steps to become more seriously in loved as we went along. He met my parents and we introduced each other to our groups of friends, even came to my graduation for my BA where my whole family was attending. However, while we were serious, we had not been anticipating on marriage and a future with kids and settling down right now. We both seemed comfortable in our state of taking our relationship at our own pace. Everything was going great for us and as I was anticipating our 1 year anniversary, which comes after his 24th birthday (I’m 23), I thought it would be nice to do something special as it would be appropriate considering the occasion. We discussed it one night while spending then evening in my apartment. We agreed on something fun like an amusement park day and all seemed well: had a nice dinner, snuggled watchin movies on a rainy Thursday night, we were intimate and cuddled all night. Kissed each other goodbye as we always do and planned a date for that Saturday. However, just two days after this, he decided that we should meet up for our date (we haven’t driven to a date separately since our 4th or 5th date months earlier). I was already suspicious. And he said he wanted to talk to me about something. So I was naturally anxious for this particular date. We met up at a local outdoor mall near a restaurant and walked maybe ten steps before he broke it to me. He had been thinking about our one year and felt it was getting too serious. He said he couldn’t do this anymore and it was over. I was shocked and devastated to say the least. I didn’t understand. There were so many great things about our relationship and I can honestly there were no bad times. Sure we had disagreements occasionally as every couple does but nothing that created prolonged anger, tension or hatred. We were always laughing and having a good time, even if it was just hanging at home. Many of his friends are coupling up and moving in with girlfriends or have kids or both. I never spoke of wanting any of this and yet he believed we were getting too serious. During the break up we actually were mostly civil. If anything I asked him questions and he gave mediocre answers. But no real words of hate were exchanged. It’s been almost 3 weeks since we broke up and haven’t spoken since. I am debating on whether to get in contact as I still have strong feelings for him. I have done everything I should be in these weeks: exercise, focusing on myself, working, going out, not sitting at home and moping. I actually just stumbled on this site a couple days ago and have extensively read your articles. But my ex is totally cut off from social media (his personal preference) so phone is really the only way to get in touch. Also we didn’t frequent the same places before we met (I exposed him to a lot of new experiences which we thoroughly enjoyed). So running into each other could be problematic. However I feel unsure of how to proceed with my situation. I feel that my ex and I would legitimately work well together if we gave it another shot. I could really use your expertise here, Chris. I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks!
Hope

June 3, 2015 at 3:06 pm

Dear Chris,

My boyfriend left me 6.5 months ago, I came across this website last week or so but haven’t bought the book because I fear it might be too late. We dated for only 7 months (this makes me sound pathetic), three of which were spent apart due to summer break. We were previously best friends so obviously after the break he wanted to be friends again, but he respected the fact we needed space. No one would support me if I said I was trying to get him back and now he is considering a relationship with someone else (I say considering because he is moving away for a year so is not sure if he wants a LDR). I’ve basically got the worst of all possible outcomes, I love him deeply and I see he is happy now so I feel like maybe I should just let him be happy instead of selfishly wanting to get him back. It’s probably already too late and 30 NC wouldn’t affect him at all. He said he never regretted leaving me when I asked and I haven’t spoken to him since. We both made mistakes, we are young and maybe it wasn’t the right time, but should I just let him go?
Gianna

May 30, 2015 at 7:32 pm

Dear Chris… I want to say thank you for sharing all this advice.
I just came back from the first meeting with my ex boyfriend. I think it went well. Although you don’t offer much on what the next steps are after this point, I am hopeful things will continue to progress.
Here my story to inspire others:
I met my ex days after moving to a foreign country. When we met, I knew he was The One. (I never felt like that and I’ve been dating/in relationships since I was 15, Basically about 20 years, so this was big for me). We were together for 2 years, the last 6 months of which were tough on me, therefore tough on him. I was a little depressed and emotionally drained from adjusting to a new culture and learning a new language and also spent the winter almost constantly sick with colds, flu, even bronchitis. At the end of this tough winter, he came over one night to check on my latest cold and simply said, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” And that was the end.

We work at the same company (he recommended me to the hiring manager) so the no contact rule was a little tough. Fortunately we work in different departments but saw each other every day in passing. Although we never spoke, I tried to use the fact that he always saw me to my advantage by looking my very best for the office in his favorite style of clothing on a woman – pencil skirts and heels.

He actually made the first contact with me via text message after 1 month. I stuck to your rules, though, keeping it positive and taking control by ending the conversation first plus being a little vague in my responses and ending it after 2 exchanges in the text. A week later, he contacted me via text again. I responded the same way again, positive while keeping it short and ending it first. 2 weeks later we had a terrible storm and I used this is my opportunity to reach out to him. I texted him saying I got caught out in the storm and it reminded me of the time we walked 10 blocks just for gelato in a crazy rainstorm. He was very responsive and I let the exchange go on for a bit before saying I had to go meet a friend for dinner.
Back at the office I kept my distance from him.
Several days later, I texted him again with another happy memory and received a very good response before I ended the conversation again. I waited another week and a half and asked him about some small scenic towns along a large lake that we visited – trying to remember which was which. He asked for more details so I texted some of the photos of our trips to each. He started telling me of the towns and what we did in each (where we ate, what landmarks we saw, etc.) I told him my mom was visiting me from The U.S. and I wanted to take her. Would he be willing to meet me for coffee to help me plan the logistics (I have no car in the city and the towns are about 2 hours away by train). I know he loves to be the knowledgeable “tour guide” to his country so this topic for meeting gave him a chance to shine and feel needed. A week later, today, we met for coffee. He drove 40 minutes from his house to the city for an hour long coffee meet up, came with print outs about all the things I might like to do in each town, and schedules for the train from the city to the first town as well as ferry schedules to get to all the others on the lake! I’m guessing he was very into meeting me for coffee.
In the end, we did the customary kiss on each cheek for this culture and a slightly lingering hug, not customary for this country except with family and romantic interests. He then said he had a great time, offered to help me with a appliance with ongoing problems in my apartment if I ever needed it, and asked if we could have lunch together after my mom’s visit is over.

So agai, thank you! Sorry if his was long but I wanted to share how well your steps worked.
I only have one question…
When should I have the heart to heart with him where I take responsibility for the terrible 6 months?
In truth, much of our unhappy times were my fault for a variety of reasons (my stress and depression adjusting and my letting that put distance between us)
P

May 30, 2015 at 3:57 pm

Hey Chris! My boyfriend and I broke up around 4 months ago. I wasn’t able to go NC because we work in the same organization and we were working on the same projects. Now that it’s summer vacation, I went NC on him for 30 days. I’m not sure if it’s too late to go NC but i gave it a shot anyway. So recently, I found out he texted my brother asking if they could hang out and he’ll explain why he doesn’t show himself anymore. (They werent able to go out cause my brother was busy). Also, I heard from a friend that my ex kinda talked about me in some parts of his college talk. After so, my friend of mine and my ex went out and had a meal. my friend told me my ex talked about me for an hour. to make the long story short, he still thinks that we’re better off apart. (this was during NC). We had a toxic relationship (i tended to me naggy and manipulative) but the love was definitely real and I have definitely changed for the better. we’re each other’s first loves but I feel like im losing hope. recently, i contacted him and happens to be that he was in vacation in europe.. so i guess it wasn’t the right time.

I need your advice and how you think about our situation? should i let go or keep trying? we’ll see each other soon cause we belong to the same organization.

jeni

June 16, 2015 at 2:26 pm

am jeni …..i meet by boy friend some month back,up to a 7month now.but we have a miss understanding that he has to call it a quite..actually it a lady in his office that was getting him off from me..but thanks to orumeyo an ifeir priest whom my friend megil introduce me too….good to know this lady have been using some spiritual stuff to hold my boy back from loving me thru the way i react when i found the text she said and all manner off video picture of her self..thanks to orumeyo that help me in broken the spell and my boy friend is back to me..yours is noting where he is,you can email;[email protected]….i want you to be happy and get your boy back…am happy so happy my baby boy is back to me

Aileen

May 30, 2015 at 1:46 pm

Hey cris, my case as in all the cases here is a bit different. My ex boyfriend and I were really happy for a whole year and a few months, we were always together having fun doing different activities. But it came to a point where he and I started fighting constantly over little things. He didn’t trust me with any guys because of his past and because of what happened with his mother. I would want to keep talking about the fight and tried to fix it but he would never give me the chance and he would just walk away. He later gave hints about needing space but I was in denial I felt that if I gave him space he would leave for sure so I didn’t give him any. The same ing happened we started fighting until one time he had had enough and left angry from my house. I later on texted him about it not calmly but angry and I made him choose either we break up or continue being together because I didn’t want to give him space and he broke up with me. I was so devastated that I became needy. Texting him I was sorry. And that he was the love of my life and that idk what happened that made us break up. I even thought about sneaking out and going to his house in the middle of the night. When I kind of knew I had to move on I reached out to my friends and read this article and did the no contact. And I was moving on but I still wanted him to be my boyfriend because we were mostly happy throughtiut our relationship. Later, 2 weeks into no contact he texted me saying if I wanted to hang out. I was listening to a video on how mans brain works when he contacted me I was so happy that I replied. He texted me lets do something xmon please. And I felt so happy I did a little happy dance and I agreed with him to go. I broke my no contact. I got ready wore what I wore when we first met curled my hair how he liked it and saw him outside. He was being extreme sweet to me and I didn’t know how to react so I kept on being negative towards him still not bringing up our relationship. At the movies we were both feeling attracted to each other and kissed intensly. After that he asked me out again the next day then the next day and the next until my birthday. When he asked me out again. It was a few days after our first reincounter. I accepted obviously because I wanted a commitment and I rushed things. As you may suspect the first few days were amazing. Like our relationship all over again but then he got distant again. He would ignore some of my text. He would not want to hangout. I felt lonelyer than when I wasn’t with him. I didn’t know what to do a part of me wanted to just go back to friends because we seemed to want each other more. But a part of me was too scared that he would break up with me like before and hurt me again. But I was hurting either way so I had a talk with him. Of course he was done wasting “my” time and told me to leave it as being friends. I was trying to keep as calm as possible and I kept telling him we can work things iut if we’re both willing to fix things. And he replied with ” you know sometimes when you’re with a person you’re with them because you’re use to always having them there and you don’t want to get ride of them. Of course that hurt me like hell because he meant that he didn’t love me ever. And he said that getting back together after that break was a mistake because he felt weird to get back with me. But I don’t understand how he felt weird if we were all Lovey dicey with each other. Mostly him. And he would tell me he loved me and he never said it unless he felt it. We made plans to move in together get a dog and get good jobs after college and becoming someone in life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be mad so I agreed with the break up and agreed to be friends. And I told him if we could still hang out like before playing sports and having movie nights and he said yes. I was crying and I was trying to hold myself together so I left and left it as friends of course I got home and wanted to cry a river but my family was here and I didn’t want to make a sceen. I contacted him a couple hours after we broke up asking if he was still coming with me to a party because we made plans a while back that he would still come. And he actually replied saying yeah I’ll see idk if I have dress clothes. My instinct was to reply right back right away but I didn’t know what to say to keep him intrigued and I wanted him back so I just went on search for how to get my ex boyfriend back and they all told me no contact. So I’m doing just that. I signed up for the gym. I’m hanging around my friends and my family much more and most importantly I haven’t seen or talked to my ex boyfriend. But he’s never on social media so idk whether he checks it or not a finally posted things on my Instagram and snapcht but idk if he’s seem it or not. He hasn’t contacted me or anything but it’s only been 11/2 days since the break up. But I feel like if I move on he will move on too. After our first break up he said he was taking it as a break or space not an actual break up and he hurt me so much said so many mean things to me during the first break up that I didn’t know what to do but do what he asked and move on. But this time is different although he has been on on a mutual game we play more than before and shared things more than before. I feel like he’s checking if I still play but idk because he loves that game and always plays it but rarley although he does share things on there. I know I should keep the doing no contact but I want to know what he’s been up to so bad I’m afraid to break it. Of course I still have in my mind that plan we made when we were together and my no contact ends June 27. And the party is July 5,7 or 9. Do you think hel want to come even though I hadn’t talked to him for a whole month? Do you think he’ll try talking to me like before during my no contact? I feel like all hope is gone if I don’t talk to him, and I feel like since it’s the second time he broke up with me and he did it in a much calmer clean way he’s not going to want to get back to feed especially since before he broke up we were being really distant. The thing is that he would still do anything for me even when he was distant he just didn’tshow any affection or love towards me. If u anyone or cris can help me. Please help me, I would highly appreciate it

Aileen

June 4, 2015 at 8:52 am

UPDATE: I broke no contact for the right reason. Above I read if he texts more then 7 times just reply. He texted al his feelings towards me. He couldn’t get me off his mind every night he would go to sleep with me on his head. And he said he truly loved me (note: before we broke up he said he didn’t have any feelings for me and he thought it was just from us being together all the time). Of course I replied positively and told him some of my feelings not all and cut of the chit chat very fast saying I was going to sleep. He was sleepy too and tired from being at the gym and still face timed me. Of course I was really positive throughout the whole call but he told me he wanted to be with me and cuddle and be together like before (in a relationship) but I’m just not ready to go back again. So I’m playing a little hard to get so he knows I want him to really change for the better of our future relationship. I suggested we stay as really good friends until we figure out why we keep loosing each other along the way and he agreed sad but agreed. We are still on FaceTime talking about the past and about the future and about ourselves and our wants and dis wants. Honestly this is the best I’ve come. It took so little time to get him back. Now the problem is keeping a stable and interesting relationship. I will also be working hard for that. I hope I inspired someone out there. 🙂 I’ll keep updating.
Aileen

June 4, 2015 at 5:30 am

UPDATE: I know he be lurking on my Instagram and couldn’t help it and he followed me. Probably to get me jealous of who he’s following (I use to get pist when he would follow a girl) jokes on him I’m doing no contact and it’s working at its finest. No contact is helping me too I mean he’s following other girls yet I’m still happy no contact is working. I’m not as jealous anymore because even if he did have other girl friends we’re not together and he can do w e he wants just how I can too 🙂
Aileen

June 3, 2015 at 1:50 am

UPDATE: today is day 5 of no contact and he texted me saying “hey”. I was so excited happy and just felt great and wanted to respond but I find myself in the same place I found myself before. Still obsessing over him and feeling needy so I did not reply. I’m going to keep doing no contact until June 27th. Or until I’m ready and know I don’t need my ex but I can still want him. And right now I’m feeling like I need him which I don’t. So I’m going to wait until June 27th. There’s always hope girls. My first time didn’t work because I broke no contact and rushed him into commuting into another relationship. Now I need to rediscover myself and try it again.

LG

May 29, 2015 at 5:11 pm

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 4 days ago. We had been together for 8 months. We were each other’s first everything. He has broken up with me about 3 times before. It was mostly because of my jealousy and him feeling trapped and limited. He has made his decision to not give me another chance and I told him we can fight for us and he doesn’t want to. He says he’s tired of the same thing. I regret not realizing these things before hand. I now realize that I led him to him breaking up with me. He did tell me that he feels very lonely and sad. He even cries for me. He says he hates no having me with him. I try fixing things but he doesn’t want to! He’s a really
Good guy. He says he couldn’t be himself around me sometimes because I would pick at him. And I regret it so much because I took him for granted. About a month ago he told me that I make him a better person and that even his male best friends point it out. I need some advice please! I’m going crazy. He calls me telling me that I’m the only
One that understands him because I’m his best friend and that my voice soothes him.
Olivia

May 24, 2015 at 10:58 pm

Hi Chris,
we were together almost a year, no big fights, however we have different nationalities and background, but we liked/loved each other. I met his family and he never introduced anyone to his family before, and I was the longest relationship he ever had. We went to vacation together and also sometimes jokingly talked about the future. We never said ”i love you” but we knew it without saying it, just the way we were towards each other. Unfortunately he’s very judgmental and stubborn and also if he doesn’t like something, he will keep it to himself. So now suddenly one day we had an argument about my relationship/hook up before i knew him and he didn’t like it and then after some days he decided, its better if we finish it, cuts this relationship is not going anywhere. I doesn’t think I’m a girl for him in a big picture and he also pointed out few small things he doesn’t like about me, something i said or did months ago, but he never told me about these things when they happened and they all are changeable. I tried for a month to talk to him and understand his reasons, and we always end up crying together and him rejecting me. We both also had very busy times in work, so all the 3 meet ups during the month were kind of like quick meet up, talk, both of crying and followed by rejection by him. The last time he said he loved me more than i can imagine, however after he figured out my hook–up story with one of our colleague (which was before i knew him) he said he feels empty and doesn’t love me anymore. And he needs to be alone and sleep around with other girls,and most probably feels disappointed and alone, but thats what he’s going to do. And maybe after some time he’s gonna understand his mistake, basically thats what he told me and thats he’s sorry for hurting me. After that we haven’t contacted to each other anymore, and its been almost a month now. We don’t see each other in the work, cus the company is big. Of course i still miss him and it still hurts and the thought about him and other girls causes me frustration. I read that the no contact period should be a month, but somehow i feel like he needs more and perhaps he really stopped loving me and is disgusted by me and my previous mistakes before him and I’m just torturing myself with the hope of getting back together someday. Any advise?

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:18 am

Have you been doing the no contact rule?

Celeste

May 24, 2015 at 5:08 pm

Hi Chris, so my bf & I were together 17 months & it was fantastic. He is amazing. The man I always dreamed of & didn’t know still existed. Always loving, always supportive, a real gentleman. He was never insecure, never jealous. We got along so well, fit into each others families, never fought, never more than a very mild disagreement between us. He knows my clock is ticking, I put him through the ringer when we first started dating because I didn’t want to waste my time. (I’m 33, hes 30.) He told me a just a couple months ago, and several times, that he planned to marry me. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago, during a great weekend with his family, he tells me he doesn’t know when or if he’ll be able to make us happen, he’ll probably never be able to make me a stay at mom like I would like. I’d been drinking, I fell apart, dark moment. But the next morning comes & I’m like, ok, what do we do about this? He tells me he’s been having serious doubts about us, about me…I leave. He tries to stop me, but I need space & figure he could use some too. A couple days go by, I make some apologies, tell him I want to work things out…he tells me he loves me but doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore, no reason, nothing on me, just his feelings & doesn’t want to waste my time. Ouch. I talked to his mom & she said she had called him out a few months ago about not giving me enough attention (I just thought we got to that comfortable spot, I never had a complaint) & he probably got cold feet…anyway, it’s only been a week & a half since I talked to him, a week since I talked to her, so I have a few weeks still of no contact & I’m still trying to make sense of what happened. I don’t think you can just fall out of love like that. I know there was no one else. I think he started to feel the pressure & doubted himself & let me go for me, closed off…I’m hoping the next few weeks will open him up again, but he can be really stubborn & how do I win back a guy who thinks he’s doing what’s right for me?

Celeste

May 27, 2015 at 1:16 am

Trying to make my question a lil more specific. I’ve started reading your book & you make very valid points & I totally get what you’re saying. The only part im having trouble with is this: if i follow your instructions, his concerns that lead to him pulling away are not addressed first & if he still doesn’t think he can be the man I need, so why would he even entertain the idea of getting back with me? This wasn’t just a disagreement we had, it was him doubting himself & doubting our future together. I’ve written (but haven’t sent) a letter addressing it all, but sending it puts myself out there off the bat & almost make it impossible to try your method…doesn’t it?

Miss Me

May 22, 2015 at 7:23 pm

If I run into my X (before 30 days) should I say hi? Or ignore? Eye contact? Naturally, I broke all the “get Xbf” back. We had a talk (went pretty well). I could tell he wanted to break up, and I basically agreed with him (but hinted at possibly not). I was also prepared and brought his stuff. I called him 3 days later and said I wanted another talk. I I basically said I wanted to make things work (and cried). I also asked if he was dating someone (yes- a few days after we broke up- someone told me he was went out on a date, etc. he denied it was a date and said he hung out in a group- I believe him- but mostly due to FB photos). but we hadn’t spoken in a week after hanging out/talking/texting constantly for 3 months. said I wanted to make things work. He was leaning towards no and then said he wasn’t sure and he’d think about it (which I realize means “no”) my friend saw him on OKCupid the next day- I got mad and texted him and we got in a fight. He said he was “trying to spare my feelings” but called me needy and annoying and said I always interrupted him to give him my opinion and he has trouble opening up. We also hardly had sex the whole time we were dating (bc of him- he had “problems” in that area). However, I was with him bc he was super sweet and nice and attentive and always wanted to hang out. I also told him on our fight that his Xgf before me cheated on him “all the time”- which is true and I thought was common knowledge (he told me about her cheating years before). Of course he got furious with me and called me mean. He was supposed to bring my stuff over the other day (and leave it at my door) and he hasn’t. I’m not gonna contact him. Is it possible he is hurt and trying to distract himself with other women? Am I being a total idiot and not accepting that he hates me? Will it be impossible to get him back? I know he sucks but I want him back 🙁 Also, I’m sure I’m gonna run into him- should I ignore? Make eye contact? Say hello
And keep walking? Help!!

Chris Seiter

June 1, 2015 at 10:05 pm

Hello and keep walking!

I wrote an article on how to handle NC in almost all instances.

dia

May 21, 2015 at 9:50 am

hey chris, ur article is awsum.. i am here to ask u about my situation. i would be really glad if u cud help…my bf of six months just broke up…things were not going so good from the past two months…although we never fought but i cud see him giving less and less time to me so we only had a couple of discussions regarding that. Now two days ago we broke up. it was an abrupt break up and i just cudnt believe that he cud break up so easily…the break up happened over a text…he said he has to study and this is his career point , so he cudnt give time to me .But i am sure this is not the reason..i gave him all the space he needed ..we met only once a week..i met him two days later at his house and threw tee on his face that he gave me and said now the break up is done( yeah i was really angry :P) …he didnt react..nothing…just took the tee and went away…i miss him and i do love him inspite of evrythng he has done…but my self respect ahs taken a huge blow…i want him but i want him to come back to me..i cannot make the first move and i am not able to forget him…maybe i ll get better with time but i will miss him and love him always..plz reply if there is way to get him back…will he ever come back??

ili

May 25, 2015 at 11:05 pm

This is almost the same story as mine oooh my God, my problem is that i didn’t threw anything in his face. I went to his house to surprise him he didn’t like it, and i entered drunk some water then i get out lol. my rrelationship with him endured for 3months. He doesn’t love me but he said he liked me. But i think the big reason of our breakup was that i didn’t shave during our intimacy eventhought i told him before that i am against the premarital sex. Now i am almost in the end of my No Contact rule. I would like to send him an e-mail. i wrote many letters and everytime i get confused of what to say. The problem he doesn’t love me he just liked me, and we met in an online website dating. So i am not sure how much lucky i will get him back. I am really confused and I need somebody’s heeeeeelppp

MK

May 19, 2015 at 10:03 am

Chris,

I would really appreciate your answer..

Please tell me whether you think there is any point in waiting around for him..

We were together for 18 months. In the last 3 months of our relationship he tried to break up with me about 3 times but then always ended up getting back with me within a few days saying that he loves me and wants to work on things.. Over the last few weeks he was distancing himself from me and eventually 11 days ago he said that was it, that he doesn’t THINK he loves me and that he doesn’t want this relationship anymore. He said he was not prepared to commit to me and therefore didn’t believe he could truly love me. I am a mother of a 3 year old child. Me and him are in our early 30’s. He got frightened and pushed aback by my situation and didn’t want to take the weight of me and my child.. He said I was being too pressuring.. It hurts me a lot as he was saying he loved me and then suddenly he said he didn’t feel it anymore.

I have bumped into him accidentally twice since we broke up but we didn’t talk, just said hello. It was Friday night on both occasions and he looked like he was enjoying himself, once surrounded by 2 girls. He also told a mutual friend of ours that he knows he made the right decision by breaking up with me and he asked her to make sure I meet a nice guy one day and “not an asshole like him” (his own words!)

He has been texting me since the break up.. The last text I replied to was 5 days ago. He asked me if I was ok and I just said “yes I’m ok”. To this he replied: “You didn’t ask me..” so I asked him how he was and he said “low”. I asked him why and if it was the guilt and he said “no guilt” but didn’t say what it was. Then I have not heard from him until 3 days ago when he sent me 5 messages saying “Are you ok? I am so sorry.. Even I wish you had never met me, I hope you are ok, you don’t have to respond.. I never meant to hurt you, sorry I wasted your time, you are a DECENT person who deserves better, take care x” I ignored him and didn’t say a word back.. This morning he sent me another message saying: “Are we on talking terms or are you wanting to ignore me and therefore I shouldn’t contact you anymore? But I think I know the answer now”. Again I did not reply..

I just don’t know whether I am being blind by hoping he will ever change his mind once he clearly said he doesn’t want this anymore? What do you think. Please let me have your Man’s opinion as I just don’t fully understand.

Thank you very much and have a lovely day
Linda

May 19, 2015 at 3:26 am

Hi Chris my b/f and I dated for nine months. I broke up with him because I found out he was lying about his work schedule saying he was away when in fact he wasn’t…I have used and bought your system and tomorrow is 30days of no contact. It was hard but I did it! But I’m upset because he actually hasn’t tried to contact me in these thirty days either…what should I anticipate with his kind of reaction?
Rachael

May 18, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Hey, so i my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. His reasons were that he was extremely stressed out with his life. He was getting a new job, and his band is about to go on tour. He felt that it wasn’t fair that he never had time for me, and that setting up a day to be together was just added stress. He told me that he still wants me to be apart of his life because he doesn’t want to lose me. Not only that, im am very close to his family. He told me he really wanted to try again one day in the future. Even though this hurt me, I was willing to be respectful of his wishes. He assured me this wasn’t for him to fool around or date other women. He was nice and sweet to me the first few days. He even said he missed me, he still wants to move in with me and around that time get back together. The entire time we would have short talks, I showed that i was being positive and looking at the bright side of life. Then one day he just would privetly grab and grope me, and I asked him why and he said “Because im going to fuck you. and you can’t say no”..and even though i tried to stop it from happening it happened anyway. After that he just seams like hes been trying to push me away more and more. Acting as if were still friends, but barely talking to me in class, and even avoiding siting next me me in class. At one of his shows, he was flirting with this other girl he was friends with. I pulled him aside and told him to tell me the truth if hes lying. He was angry and told me that He is just flirting and that’s it. It wont turn into a relationship. After the show i talked to him about it. He though i was being possessive when i was really just felt lied to. He told me that he definitely not lying to me, and he can promise me that….yet at his next show he wants me to leave him and that girl alone….this makes me feel shady about everything!. We had such a good relationship with each other that lasted 3 years. it was just a month ago that me and him were just happy together. Then he just acts distant and now he just wants to be single for a while. I try and not to talk to him much, and he still wants me to drive him to school…..i honestly do even know how to feel now……im trying the no contact stage, but with school and him wanted to still be friends and to go to school together, and be apart of his family, makes everything hard…any advice, i know i threw a lot out there. I appreciate you taking the time to read this 🙂

Louise

June 21, 2015 at 11:40 am

Hey Rachael,

“Then one day he just would privetly grab and grope me, and I asked him why and he said “Because im going to fuck you. and you can’t say no”..and even though i tried to stop it from happening it happened anyway. ”

This really isn’t ok! Are you sure you want him back? Hope you’re ok x x

Brianna

May 18, 2015 at 1:51 pm

This guide is fantastic, but I’m really not sure it’s applicable to my complex situation. 🙁

The thing is, he lives in Sweden, I live in England. We were never officially boyfriend – girlfriend, we were simply very intimate, close and sexual and frequently discussed dating and meeting, called each other “babe” and other pet names. He is 17, I am 20. I know, I know, it seems young, but he is shockingly developed, mature, he’s 6’4, full chest of hair, very deep voice, very level-headed and mature and all around just a sexy, wonderful man.

Just for clarification: I know the simple route to take would be to move on and I certainly with ANY other guy, but this man has bizarrely contradictory characteristics that seem impossible and he fulfills my extensive list of requirements for a long-term relationship. He’s scarily perfect and I never even fathomed the thought of dating someone so young until I met him. The thought of losing him makes me so depressed since he honestly enriches and complements me in ways I’ve always dreamed of. I have my eyes set on HIM, he is most certainly the one want and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to re-initiate with him.

We met through a friend, we were initially just acquaintances and I didn’t particularly care for him. He seemed friendly and all, but I never had an interest in him, regardless of him being very physically-attractive. One night, we got to talking and he actually seemed lovely and sweet. The thing is, I’m transgender, so I wanted to test the water to see how he felt about “transsexuals”, so I shown him this beautiful transsexual pornstar. He was so amazed and captivated, I adored his reaction, so I called him on Skype and told him my situation. He was immediately aroused, shocked and amazed and had so many questions. He was an absolute freakin’ sweetheart and THAT’S where our infatuation and flirtation started.

The next day, we were candidly discussing our sexual-desires. Holy crap, I couldn’t believe the compatibility between us, we liked ALL the same things. As the sparks were flying, the conversation shifted from a candid, clinical discussion of our preferences to more of a horny “I’m so aroused, if I was there, I’d do this and that to you”. It resulted in us being very sexual and climaxing together and it was the most mind-blowing, amazing experience. We were both SO shocked that we had found someone with this much sexual-chemistry. We’re both virgins (which is unusual considering we’re both attractive people… sorry to sound conceited) and it was just explosive to experience this.

From that point forward, literally less than 20 hours into this new bond we shared, we were already extremely intimate. We spent the day talking and immediately, the sex opened a door into our relationship to the point where we were calling each other “sexy” and “babe”. We would talk all day and if he was at school, he would tell me how he couldn’t stop getting erections at the thought of me and it was the most adorable and sexy thing. We were sexual with each other ALL the time and we were like a pair of horny teenagers, it was ridiculous.

In case you’re wondering, NO, this was NOT a booty-call. The relationship was NOT exclusively about sex. In fact, I’m pretty sure HE discussed the concept of dating and meeting more than I did (although I did a lot, too).

The thing is, I made a horrible mistake. From the start of our relationship, I planted these seeds of insecurity and inadequacy in his mind. I repeatedly (innocently, without an ulterior motive and unknowing of how he’d feel) expressed to him how I need a man who’s extremely devoted, spends all his time with me and how my ex spent ALL his time with me and that I require that from a man. While discussing dating with him, I’d frequently tell him this and now when I review our old conversations, I can see that it made him insecure and I had no idea!

One day, logging online, where I would usually be immediately greeted with a “Hey, babe! So nice to see you. :D” was silence… nothing. I was confused and because of my paranoia about seeming clingy, I wanted to wait for him to approach me and I was concerned that something might be wrong. I pretty much waited all day, depressed, which is sad to be, my days shouldn’t be predicated on him, but at this point, we had spent everyday together and this was so sudden where I don’t even get as much as a simple greeting. He was the highlight of every day and I woke up looking forward to spending time with him.

After hours of waiting, I messaged him and said “If something was wrong, you’d tell me right?” and he said “Of course!” as if nothing was wrong. I then expressed my concerns and he came clean: “I have this really heavy feeling in my heart, just thinking that it’s going to be so long before we can even meet. I just feel nervous about getting close to you because I really want to meet you and be with you.”. I asked “Are you sure this has nothing to do with me being transgender?” and he said “No, NO! If anything, that’s a good thing, I love that about you. This has nothing to do with that.”.

Basically, it resulted in him asking us to “chill” for a while, which he basically meant not being close, not speaking to each other much. I was devastated, I didn’t know how long I’d have to wait. I’ve had my heartbroken before and it scared the hell out of me that he was going to do the same. He greeted me a couple hours later, I politely greeted him back. He tried small-talking with me and I was relatively passive with a “Yeah. :)” and then just switched my online status to “invisible” (pretending to be offline) because I felt resentful that I’m not able to contact him, but I was just here at his disposal where if he missed me, he could simply come and get his fix and then leave me again.

Straight after I appeared offline, feeling so depressed and just wanting to go to bed so the next day would come faster and hopefully he’d feel better about our situation, he messaged me on Skype and said “Shit… I need to be with you. I can’t not talk to you, you mean too much to me, this feels weird. :(” “I just feel like I’ll never be enough for you.”. That was the most amazing message I could have received. To be missed, wanted and for him to just run back to me like that, it was so empowering and made me feel so loved, we immediately reconciled and it was wonderful. He expressed his concerns that it wasn’t about the distance between us, but it was about my ex and the amount of time he could give me and that it made him feel so insecure that he’d never be able to spend absolutely *100%* of his time with me. It was laughable because I vehemently stated “You’re freaking perfect. I don’t need 100% of your time, I just want us to be happy and for you to do whatever you’re comfortable with. You fulfill me more than he ever did. You’re so perfect, don’t you ever forget that.”

He was so happy (as well as I). Any insecurity he had was dispersed (or so I thought) and we got back to normal. The sexuality, intimacy and closeness we shared was restored and damn we had the best… sex that night (not sure what to call it).

The next day came… yet again, silence. It was a while before *I* greeted HIM and he was pleasant, but something was… off. It taken effort for me to get the same reaction from him. It was like a struggle for me to upkeep conversation and experience the chemistry we’d been consistently experiencing.

Okay, before I get into WAAY too much detail (because I could sit here and write for hours about our relationship), I’m going to just go over the basics:

From that day forward, it was an endless EFFORT to get him to be close with me. He just felt off, things didn’t feel like they did. I was just depressed and missed him and wondered why things were on and then they were off, like a light-switch.

It gotten to the point where he didn’t talk to me for two whole days which devastated me because we were talking every single day. Surely he must have missed me?! Bear in mind, this was just a matter of weeks into our relationship. I felt jealous, he spent the entire two days with his friends and he wouldn’t even give me a “hello”. When he left it was just a quick “night” before logging off and OUCH, that one cut like a knife as usually, our goodbyes would be long, drawn out and romantic (as it always is with young couples).

I approached his friend and asked him if anything was wrong. His friend told me “Look, I know he wouldn’t want me telling you this, he’s so polite and doesn’t want to hurt anyones feelings and he really likes you, but he thinks you’re just being so clingy and overbearing.” at this point, I literally felt like I was going to cry and throw up. I was MORTIFIED. My biggest fear in life is to appear clingy and the confusing part was, in order to avoid appearing clingy, I made sure I wasn’t the one to initiate conversations, I made sure he greeted me first and considering in the past couple days I barely spoken to him, I was hurt and confused that I would be perceived this way. I told all this to his friend and he was so confused and shocked: “Really?! He made it out like you were being clingy as f**k.” he then went on to tell me that he had a HUGE, important, 8 hour test in a couple days and that he’ll be fine after, he’s just under a lot of stress (on Saturday).

In my humiliation, my instinct was to delete him and move on as I couldn’t bear to face him again, so I constructed a long “goodbye-message” in order to express my feelings. What was originally intended to be a goodbye-message was actually a really good way of outpouring and consolidating my feelings. It helped me reflect on the situation and make me realize that I didn’t want to get rid of him. I was planning on sending this message on Sunday, the day after the test.

I didn’t talk to him at all before the test, I was so humiliated and scared of appearing clingy, I just backed the hell off. Of course, it hurt like hell that he didn’t talk to me either. It had been long before our last conversation or being sexual with each other.

Saturday passed, his test was completed. Still nothing from him… I was hoping so badly for things to return to normal. We were up late. As terrified as I was of appearing clingy, I sent him the long message of how I felt and that his friend told me I am being perceived as clingy.

He was… so lovely. He expressed that I was NOT being clingy and that his friend has a tendency to misinterpret and that I should take everything he says with a pinch of salt. He told me how important I was to him and that I shouldn’t view the start of our relationship as some “golden-period”, that it’s only a small taste of what’s to come and that he’s so excited now that things are back to “normal” that we can get so much closer. He was so happy to have me back.

Next day comes… you guessed it: Distance. He greeted me this time, but things felt off again. The entire day, he spoken very briefly to me once and I made an effort NOT to speak to him unless he spoken to me before he ended the night with “Goodnight, silent girl.”

The rest of our relationship consisted of me paranoid about appearing clingy, him being distant, me trying to win him back, us reconciling with him telling me how amazing and important I am and how much he wants to be with me before I become non-existent to him the very next day, yet again.

In the end, we reconciled one last time and it was wonderful as always (this was our third reconciliation) before the next day… nothing. I messaged him throughout the day, asking if he was receiving my messages or if he was there, but I got no response. After messaging him sporadically over 3 days and feeling incredibly depressed, that’s when I KNEW he was refusing to speak to me.

I was so unbelievably confused as things seemed lovely right before he did. He stated literally the DAY before (during our reconciliation): “Do NOT give me space, it will only make things worse. Do NOT worry about appearing as clingy, I love clingy girls and I love how you are with me. Do NOT bottle up your feelings and expect them to subside with time, you need to express everything you feel to me.” He had also stated these things multiple times and he was adamant about them.

—

What seems like a random sidenote, but is actually an important part of the story: His friend from that point also was cold, cocky, sharp, vague, cryptic, refusing to affiliate himself with me and just given off the most disgusting vibe of “Get away from me, pest. You’re not worth my time, you annoying bitch.” and it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t stand him, but I was still extremely friendly and charming with him as I’d always been, but just kept my distance.

I thought about deleting him but was reluctant to as he was my only mutual link with “the guy” (the guy I’ve been talking about this whole time). It gotten to the point where one day, it was just me and him online. I was friendly and bubbly and greeted him and invited him for a game (we play this game together, at least we used to before he became a vile bastard) since it had been so long and we used to be good friends. He was… just horrible. Dismissive, haughty, ignoring me and pretty much between the lines, told me to stay the hell away from him.

I couldn’t tolerate that anymore, so I sent him a long, resentful message before deleting him, stating:

“I can’t believe I’ve taken your shit for so long. You’re an awful friend, I’ve been nothing but lovely, sweet, supportive and charming to you and you do nothing but spit in my face like I’m scum. You don’t give a damn about anyone or anything unless it has extra cheese and pepperoni” (he eats a lot of pizza).

I’ve been reluctant to delete you considering you’re my only link to him, but at this point, I don’t care because you’ve treated me like total crap.

I hope you find happiness, and I mean that. You deserve it just like we all do. Have a nice life.”

Yes, the message was quite cocky and snide, but this was provoked after weeks of his incessant bitchiness and treating me like a piece of garbage.

Anyway, back to the story:

—

Unfortunately, 5 weeks pass without him (the guy, not his friend) speaking to me. It’s officially past the point of just need a little “space” and likely symptomatic of something seriously wrong. At this point, I’ve humiliated myself, repeatedly messaging him every few days/week/fortnight, trying from EVERY angle to get him to communicate with me.

I tried being loving, supportive, calm and collected, at one point I tried being blunt and expressed how much this was hurting me, I told him that I need to move on with my life and I’d appreciate it if he could join me. Absolutely nothing was working, he was impenetrable. To add to my feelings of rejection, I tried approaching his friend and he was absolutely horrible to me. So cold in his manner. Whereas initially he was so wonderful and supportive and helped me SO much when “the guy” became distant before his test, this time, he treated me like I was a pest, a burden, a silly annoyance that was irrational, unreasonable and just wanted me to shut up and leave him alone. I cried and cried because I had no idea how things could be so great and then just… stop. I felt so rejected and in a lot of pain, I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

I was desperately torn between leaving him alone and giving him his space since he was refusing to talk to me or attempting to resolve whatever issues was on his mind so we could be friends again, since he kept me on everything and told me literally the DAY before he started ignoring me NOT to give him space as it would only make things worse. I had absolutely no idea what to do and it was the most devastating, distressing feeling.

In the end, in so much pain, unable to move on or heal because I’m completely without closure (and I am *NOT* the type of person that can function without knowing WHY and getting some closure), I attempted yet AGAIN to communicate with him:

“I’m going to have to delete you soon. 🙁

I’m so sorry, I wish it didn’t have to come to that, but it’s gotten to the point where I just need to move forward with my life. So many good things will be happening to me this year, but I’m so unhappy right now because you refuse to simply give me FIVE short minutes just to clarify what’s going on.

I’m not asking to go back to the way we were before, we don’t even have to be friends at all. You can walk away and do whatever you want, I don’t care anymore, I just need a simple explanation so I can heal and move on with my life.

I really hope it doesn’t get to the point of me deleting you. If I did, the chances of us ever meeting, having sex, enjoying each other’s company would be gone.

I hope you can give me just FIVE minutes to talk so we can move on and either part ways or remain good friends.”

Oh my god… after 5 whole weeks of waiting, nothing but depression and being shackled by the thought of him, I see at the bottom of the screen “typing…”. I started shaking like crazy, my heart was thumping. I was SO excited. Even if it was something bad, at least I was going to get closure and FINALLY know WHY.

It was this strange message, a quote from his friend, signed by his friend and it was directly addressed to me before he immediately blocked me straight after without giving me a chance to respond. I don’t like thinking about this because it was so devastating and still makes me want to cry. It’s such a painful thought, it literally makes me breathless to think back. I was absolutely heartbroken and hysterically crying. After weeks and weeks of suspense and waiting, my mind totally consumed by the thought of “What is going on? Are we still friends?”, I get nothing but this strange, cryptic message that doesn’t explain anything. The message basically read (remember, it was a quote from his friend):

“So you basically admit that you used me to keep in contact with him which means that you deserved to be treated badly by me” – *signed by his friend*

The friend messaged me later and was absolutely evil. He was tormenting me, making me cry, found it amusing to add salt to my wounds and told me how much he didn’t give a shit about me. He was teasing and it was like “Na na na na na! I know why he deleted you!”, at this point, I was virtually pleading with him to tell me. I didn’t care about pride or dignity, I knew it was likely I’d never see either of them again, so I just NEEDED that information to move on and heal.

He refused to tell me, he simply found it funny that I was so desperate and continued to dangle it in front of my face to sadistically torment me. Never in my life have I encountered someone who enjoyed watching me suffer and the fact that “the guy” was on his friend’s side and condoned this sick, evil behavior was enough to make me hate them both.

During my encounter with him, I asked “What did he mean by his last message? Why did he quote you? One moment, let me show you.” and he said “Don’t bother, I know what it said. It was me, I wrote that message.”. I was so confused and he explained how he was at his house and he wrote that. Now I have this disgusting image in my mind of him being with “the guy” and the fact that he was privy to an intimate moment where I was vulnerable, in pain and expressing my personal thoughts. How DARE “the guy” allow his friend to be part of that conversation.

It was so transparent to me that they (or at least the friend did, but it seemed like both) found it amusing and sent the last message in a jokey fashion. (The way the message was signed, it’s hard to explain, but it was put in a jokey and humorous way.). It was also transparent that “the guy” was obviously influenced by his friend to block me as he is very impressionable and easily-influenced by his friends.

It’s also worth stating that soon before our relationship started, he had been in a similar relationship where he was close with a girl and all his friends made him feel bad for it. As he started to prioritize her, decline their Skype calls and played games with them less, they made fun of him and persuaded him to stay away from her. They did the same with me and made him feel just as bad and reluctant to get close with me, as beautiful and amazing as it was at the start of our relationship.

Now I’m heartbroken, without closure, unable to heal, fighting this depression everyday and struggling to be happy again. I feel violated, disgusted and like I’ve been robbed of my happiness and my usual bubbliness and effervescence. No man interests me, the bar has been set SO high as I never thought I’d meet a man this perfect, I just assumed he was some hilarious, unattainable fantasy in my mind, but this man truly did check EVERY box.

In order to make myself feel better, I formulated a list of flaws about him so perhaps I could move on easier. It only made me feel worse as it made me realize how much I was scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with these pathetic flaws that I didn’t even care about and how few of them there are.

Now I realize, he’s emotionally-undeveloped, immature in some ways and not ready for this kind of relationship. The thing is, as much of an asshole as he was in the end, I know that he’s actually a beautiful, wonderful person. I’m hoping that when he’s more mature and experienced, we can re-initiate. For now, he’s impressionable and influenced by his asshole “dude” friends, but it would mean the whole world to me for us to recapture what we had.

What terrifies me though is if he looks back and just views our relationship as me being a crazy, psycho-stalker who wouldn’t leave him alone, when in reality, I’m a logical, level-headed, pragmatic and intelligent woman but my mind was played with, I was held captive by his emotional-dysfunction and the discombobulating inconsistency of our intense and rapidly-evolving relationship.

It concerns me that the happy memories of our relationship are overshadowed by my perceived “craziness” and that he may just think I’m too much trouble to have in his life.

I’m starting hormones this year (although I’m extremely lucky already with being very feminine), I’m getting laser hair removal, braces, I’m saving money and going to have a little work done, going to buy myself some sexy clothing, new makeup. I am going to be drop dead – freakin’ – gorgeous and funnily enough, how I’ll look is EXACTLY his dream woman (no, I’m not predicating my appearance on what he wants, it’s just a happy coincidence) and he’s enthralled by beautiful women.

I’m hoping that when I’m fabulous, I can send him a video message. I was never able to actually cam with him. I’m thinking: Pushing my tits up to my chin with a good-ass push-up bra, full face of glam makeup, nails flawless and teeth perfect and WHITE, glossed lips and sending something simple, nonchalant, nothing that surfaces the bad memories of our relationship but showing him “Hey, look at what a beautiful and wanted woman I am. Want a taste?”. I want to be subtle and easy-breezy.

Before you tell me that I should move on, he was an asshole and I deserve better: I don’t want to. I will move on with my life, improve myself and find happiness independently, but at the end of the day, HE is the one I want and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have him. The bar has been raised so high, why would I settle with another man who checks a few boxes when I’ve already met a man who bizarrely checks EVERY single one.

If this was a simple case of “We both like pizza and he has a big penis. How can I move on from that?!” then I would understand the notion of me being able to find that again, but this isn’t that simple.

This wonderful, sexy, beautiful man who has come into my life recently is romantically interested in me. Eloquent, articulate, well-spoken, punctuated, extremely intelligent, open-minded, well-endowed, muscular, stunningly attractive, ambitious, tall and lots of sexual-chemistry, looks like a freaking underwear model… unfortunately he’s not “the guy”. He doesn’t check as many boxes, he doesn’t enrich me like “the guy” did.

I’m hoping that in maybe two years when he’s graduated from school, when the hormones have taken their full effect, when we both have our lives in order, and he’s older, more mature and no longer influenced by his silly, asshole-ish friends, I’m crossing my fingers that I can just send him a video message and have him thinking “How did I let this bitch go? She’s GORGEOUS.” but I’m really nervous and still so heartbroken.

Sorry for this being so ridiculously long. I’m hoping you can give me advice on what to do. Thank you. 🙂

ABZ

September 11, 2015 at 12:06 pm

Wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brianna

May 18, 2015 at 1:51 pm

Oh my god… so long. It’s like a freakin’ novel…

Sorry, ha.

Lara Azzopardi

May 18, 2015 at 10:24 am

How far apart should the 1st and 2nd texts be? My period of NC is over on the 10th June, but he leaves the country for a month on the 2nd July, so should I plan for our meeting to be before or after he leaves? (if everything goes well)
Jaybie

May 17, 2015 at 4:04 am

I broke up with my ex bf of 14 months 5 days ago.

We had big fight, April 30. He broke up with me that day, because he was hurt and got tired of our petty arguments and complained about how I can casually say if we should continue our relationship or not. Everytime we have a fight, I always say those words. So when he blew up that day, he told how can I just throw it all away and he had enough. He said he can’t take the pain anymore and he needed some space since he had a lot on his mind. Being angry myself, I agreed. We were just texting that time because we were at work. I didn’t text him until duty was off. When I decided to talk to him personally, I texted him that I’m going to wait up on him outside the gym. We talk after his gym time. I told him what I feel. I asked him if we still have a chance to be okay, he said he’s not sure. I asked if what he was thinking. He told me that he got hurt and doesn’t want to get hurt again. He also told me that he became numb, that his feelings for me lessened. He said he doesn’t want to invest more feelings. I broke down because of that. I told him that I understood what he wanted. I told him though what he told me hurt, it can never compare to the hurt if he’s not in my life. I asked him if he love me, he said he does but it got lessened. I ask if he wants to give us a chance, he just hugged me tightly. We took it as an unspoken word that we’re back together. After that, he told he was pressured with his problems, which I’m aware of. I comforted him and told him that I’m just here for him. We went home after that. When I told him I love him, he replied I love you too.

But right after that, he treated me coldly. (We didn’t see each other since that, communication was mainly thru text) He doesn’t put emoticons in his texts, which he used to do. His replies were short. 2 days after that talk, I asked him what’s wrong, if we can talk about us. He just told me that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it, but just asked him if he could answer one question. I asked if he still loves me. He said he still do. So I let go of the topic. But still, he was emotionally distant and cold. 4 days after that, I tried opening the topic again (thru text). He said he doesn’t want to because it’s tiring to fight again. I told him that we can still talk without fighting, so he agreed. I asked him if he was force out of pity to get back together with me. He said it’s not the case. So I asked him why he was treating me this way, he told me that I already know why. I told him honestly that he changed, that he’s not the man I knew before, the one I fell in love with. He just told me that that man was already gone. I asked him if that man will come back, if there’s a chance for us to be back what we used to be. He just told me he doesn’t know. So I put the topic down. I talked with him with casual topics only, to avoid the tension. I didn’t pester him much, giving him small space.

May 5, I asked him if I can watch his game (he plays badminton), he said okay. When I got there, one of the players asked him, “Oh? Why is she here? You said she’s annoying?”. I got hurt by that, I guessed that he told them about our situation. He reassured me that it was not true and that it was just a joke. I let it slide so there will be no more fights. After the game, we went on our way to go home. In the past, we used to hold each other closely while walking, but that time there was distance and it was awkward. He waited on me to ride home (we live separately). Though I still want to talk, I thought that I should get on my way so that he can go home since his duty next day is early. So we went home.

May 7, I asked him if we can see each other. He agreed easily. We met at a mall, ordered take out, and went to a hotel. That time, I thought that if we get intimate, it will soften the situation. And it did. We cuddled, our conversation went smoothly, we laughed and commented on the shows we watched. I really thought that we were going to be okay from then on. After watching a cooking show about burgers, we decided to go eat some the next day, our 14th monthsary. When we went home, we still text. His texts were a lot better that the past few days. That’s why I believed we were gonna be okay. Before we went to bed, he greeted me in advance for our monthsary and he said he love me. I did the same.

May 8, our 14th monthsary. I was excited. I dressed up. I can’t wait until duty was done. But after my last class (I’m a teacher), he sent me a text that he will take long. I asked him why. He said that his division was assigned to buy food for their company outing the next day. I ask if I’ll just go home, if it wil really take long. He said it will. So I went home disappointed. I expectes a lot that day. When he was going home, he texted he was sorry. Just the word sorry, nothing else. I was still disappointed, so I texted him like he didn’t have a choice. He said he didn’t because he’s the only guy with a group of women to buy food. It made me angry because he was with women. So I told him that I understand, but I’m stil disappointed that our date didn’t push through. He kinda blew up. He told me that what do I want him to do, to get angry just for that. I told him that he didn’t have to let me feel that we was just okay that we didn’t meet. He told me that it was just okay so that I don’t have to spend money. I got angry by that. I told him that money didn’t mattered to me, that I just want to spend time with him because it was our monthsary and they have a company outing the next day and I’m going trekking with friends on Sunday, and I don’t know when we were going to meet up again. I also told him on the same text that it was a good thing that the date didn’t pushed through because it would have just wasted my effort since it didn’t mattered for him as much as it mattered to me. He didn’t reply to me after that.

May 9, it was there company outing. He still didn’t text me. I know that they have to be on there way early because the venue was very far from the city. So I texted him if they already went on their way or if they have already arrived. No reply. So I just told him that I give him some space and hoped he will enjoy. Still no reply. I thought maybe it was because there was no signal there. He texted me when he already arrived home at night. I didn’t want to argue again so I just kept the talk casual and asked him how it went. We texted a little but he didn’t reply anymore so I thought he fell asleep.

May 10, I woke up early for the trekking. I texted him good morning, that I’ll just text him when I get home if ever there was no signal there. When we reached our destination, I noticed that there was signal even if we were in top of a mountain. I realized that he didn’t replied to me purposely (their outing was at the same area where we were trekking). The whole day, I waited for his reply, but I didn’t receive any. So I texted him when I got home. He was still cold towards me.

The next day, he was still cold. His texts were very robotic. I let it be, to avoid conflict.

May 12, we sent each other the usual texts like: good morning, on my way, just arrived (he used to send me these with our petname and emoticons, but now he don’t do it anymore) at lunch time, he didn’t text me. He usually text me if he’s having lunch now, but he didn’t that day. He didn’t text anything until his off duty time. I got worried so I called him. I ask why he didn’t reply, he said he doesn’t have load. I ask him if he wil, he said that he’ll text his mom. I asked him if he was going home, he told me he has overtime (which was rarely) I asked him why, he told me off that it was just overtime. I asked if what time he was going home, he told me he doesn’t know. So I just told him okay and cut the call. A few seconds, he texted me that he have load. So I ask him again why he has overtime, he told me he had to work on something. I asked again what time he was going home, again he said he didn’t know and why I was asking. So I told him just nothing, if it was not allowed to ask him. He said its okay to ask. I said there you go. He replied that he’ll be busy. So I didn’t text back after that. When I was about to off duty, he still didn’t text. I texted him if he was still overtime. He didn’t replied. I texted his mom that I’m on my way to their house to give them something and asked her if her son was already home. She said that he’s not yet. When I arrived at their house, he was still not at home. I texted him again. No reply. I called him. He didn’t pick it up. His mom tried to call him. He picked it up. His mom asked if where he was, he said he’s out with friends. His mom asked if who’s with him, he said that it was his gym buddies, they were 6 of them, with some girls. Then his mom noticed how he talk, asked him if he was drunk. His mom told him to get home at 10. I was shocked by that, because even before we were together, he doesn’t drink. He rarely goes out late at night, expect if we were together. So I can’t hold it anymore. I broke out in front of his family. I told his mom that I don’t know what to do with her son, that it was too much. I can’t take his treatment to me anymore. If he was drinking, there was something definitely wrong. I waited for him til 10. His mom tried calling him again. She can’t reach him. He turned off his phone. I texted him. No reply. I called him. It can’t connect. I lost all hope. I decided to go home because it was already late. When I arrived at the bus stop, I texted him again. No reply. I tried callin him. It rung until it was dial tone. I tried again, it rung but he cancelled it. I tried for a third time, it can’t connect anymore. He turned off his phone.

When I was on the way home, I realized something. That noon, I prayed to God. I prayed that we will be okay. I asked for a sign if he was the one, so that every pain and suffering I was going through that past few days was worth it. The way he behaved that night, I took it as a sign that we were not meant to be. So when I went home, I texted him about the prayer and the realization I had. I told him I was giving up. I told him that God knows how many times I tried to reach out to him, to understand him, to be patient with him. But he didn’t appreciated it. He wasted it. He pushed me to the edge, far away from him. I told him he was the one who did what he was afraid of, because this time he was the one who hurt me and now I’m the one who was numb, I’m the one who have no more feelings left for him because he left me cold. I told him I was barely holding on on a thin rope but now I’m completely letting go. After sending that text, his mom texted me that he got home. It was already past midnight. That night, I changed my relationship status into blank. I deleted our pictures together. I went to bed without a reply from him.

May 13, I woke up from a text from his mom. She said that they were on their way to their province and he was with them (the original plan was he will just catch up with them on May 14). I told his mom to take care and asked her if it’s okay that I don’t want to hear anything about/from him, and that I hoped she understands. She said that it’s okay, that she understood, and thanked me. I went through the day, distracting myself on work. I noticed on FB that he blocked me. I checked using my sister’s account, he deleted our pictures together. But he didn’t deleted the one in IG.

Midnight of May 14, I received a text from him. He thanked me for letting him go, that I finally understand what he felt. He said that he forced himself that we will be okay, but it didn’t. He said that he gave me a chance, but nothing happened. He told me that there will be no chance of us getting back together. He officially called it quits. He said that I wasted his efforts for me. He said he will handle the pain. He said I should take care and God bless. My initial reaction was anger. I wanted to throw things around. I was so tempted to text him back, to inflict the same pain he did to me. But I didn’t, remembering that I started NC a day ago after reading your articles.

Today, I can barely keep myself together. The anger was gone, but hurt took its place. I know my self-worth, but I still want him back. What should I do? Is there still a chance for us to be back together? I really love him, but I want to put myself together first. I need space. All I ask is if there’s a chance for us. We compliment each other. We were like bestfriends before we have petty arguements that led to this. Please I need some advice.

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