Today we’re going to be talking about how long distance breakups can impact the no contact rule. Specifically we’re going to be looking at answering the following questions,
- Will the no contact rule be effective during a long distance breakup?
- What changes are there going to be to the no contact rule during long distance situations?
- What things need to happen so that you can overcome the LDR triad?
So, if you’re ready to go all in on figuring out how to navigate the no contact rule during a long distance breakup then this guide is for you.
Let’s begin!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWill The No Contact Work In Long Distance Relationship Breakups?
The answer to this is very simple.
Yes, the no contact rule can work even if you’re going through a long distance relationship breakup.
Here’s the tricky part though. Most of the clients we get that are coming through our program have a basic misunderstanding of what the no contact rule is (even though I’ve literally written hundreds of posts about it and 20,000 word guides.)
It’s partially my fault since I’ve updated the official definition of the no contact rule three times over the past tend years.
- You see, originally the no contact rule was pitched as this idea that can “make your ex miss you” but the flaw with that is that essentially most people looked at the no contact rule as a gimmick to manipulate their exes into wanting them.
- Our second iteration of no contact focused a little bit more on personal growth. We started talking about concepts like “the holy trinity” and “social media game.” Yet the flaw still remained that most people only thought of no contact as this way of tricking your ex into coming back to you.
- Our third and final iteration of no contact was really where we started to see results. The key to making no contact work is to literally use it to move past your ex. If you can do that everything else can fall into place brilliantly.
Technically if you want our official version of no contact it’s this,
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
Yet people tend to get all wonky when encountering long distance relationship situations as if this will change its effectiveness. Overall we really see no difference in the “success” of no contact in long distance situations because the entire point of no contact is to begin to value yourself again.
With that being said let’s take a look at what kind of changes a long distance relationship might have on the actual implementation of the no contact rule.
What Changes Are There To The No Contact Rule During Long Distance Situations?
We generally advise three specific time frames to the no contact rule depending on your specific type of situation.
- The 21 day rule
- The 30 day rule
- The 45 day rule
The worry that a lot of our clients have when they enact a no contact rule in a long distance relationship is that there’s no immediate way for them to see their exes. At best they’re looking at a longer success timeline than our average client and this one piece of information freaks them out so they won’t even consider the longer periods of no contact.
Again, they have a fundamental misunderstanding of the point to no contact.
We’re actually finding people with longer periods of no contact are having better success rates.
Take this client as an example,
You’ll find that she did a longer period of no contact but it really wasn’t until she got to this place emotionally where she wasn’t sure she wanted her ex back that she got results. We’ve found this mentality to be the key to any successful “breakup campaign.”
Though sometimes the period of no contact is “longer” because it takes people a while to get to that place emotionally.
So, theoretically nothing really needs to change about the timeframe of no contact during a long distance relationship.
Our program actually has this cool assessment that you can take to help you determine which time frame is ideal for you,
Long distance won’t really change your time frame all that much. However, one area it really will impact is your social media game. Now, social media during no contact is something I’ve talked a lot about in the past before.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSocial media becomes especially important during long distance relationships because there’s an even greater likelihood of your ex checking up on you in a LDR situation via social media than any other type of situation.
So, in an odd way social media during no contact is your way of communicating with your ex.
The question is, what are you supposed to post?
I’ve talked in the past about my “five category” method and that can certainly make a huge impact in your social media game but everything always boils down to one simple concept.
Whatever you post needs to be an authentic extension to you moving on from your ex in a secure way.
This is where understanding attachment theory, specifically “secure attachments” comes in handy.
If you aren’t familiar someone with a secure attachment style won’t exhibit any type of insecure behaviors in a breakup. Like begging for an ex back or becoming overly possessive. Someone who is secure with themselves isn’t afraid of being themselves.
I can’t tell you how often I’ll sit down with a client and explain this secure aspect to them when it comes to social media only to have them post a sad love song on their profile or make some broad statement about betrayal and love.
They think it’s a way of showing them moving on but it’s really not. It’s an extension of their insecure behavior.
So, what do secure social media posts look like?
- A secure person doesn’t feel the need to talk about a breakup
- A secure person lives in the moment and enjoys it
- A secure person posts pictures of them going out and having fun with new people
- A secure person looks like they’re moving on
The obvious concern most of my clients have at this point is,
“Well, what if they think I’m really moving on from them?”
That’s the point. You want them to think that. This is what gives you more leverage for when you do begin to get back in touch with them and if all you have to do is post a few pictures to achieve it I don’t know what’s stopping you.
Grasping The Long Distance Relationship Triad
So, are you ready for the come to jesus talk?
All long distance relationships will fail unless they have three elements present.
- Time to spend together
- Money to find a way together
- A plan to be together
I think we have a tendency to get caught up in this romantic notion that true love is meant to be but my experience is that long distance relationships will always fail unless these three things are present.
I bring this up specifically because during your no contact rule you need to take stock of if your relationship is set up for another failure (assuming you get your ex back) or you can transcend the statistics.
I feel like a bit of an expert on the subject because I’m married to the woman that I was in a long distance relationship for close to six months. I can confidently say that I don’t think we would have ended up together if we weren’t both on the same page with the triad.
I lived in Houston and she lived in Philadelphia.
That’s roughly 1,546 miles apart. This meant that the only way that we could realistically see each other is if we could traverse to one another through planes. Right now the average plane ticket from Houston to Philadelphia is going to cost anywhere between $97 to $130.
That’s not including romantic excursions, lodging, rental cars, etc.
So, yes it’s going to cost money to be able to see each other. I had some money saved at the time so this was an easy one for me to check off. If was up to me I would have visited her every single weekend but there was an element that prevented me from doing so, her job.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizShe was only able to take off from her work roughly once a month so at best we only had a weekend together once a month. This is of course the time element coming into play.
The nature of relationships is that you’re not supposed to see each other that small amount of time. While it can be exciting in that time you do have together you’re always yearning for more.
Eventually you start to concoct schemes on how you’re going to close the distance. Either one or both parties is going to have to sacrifice and that’s where the rubber meets the road in most circumstances.
Usually neither party wants to sacrifice.
In my case I was the one who was willing to do that. I moved away from my family and friends to explore this relationship so that it could survive. I was lucky that I had a supportive family to let me do that.
I’ll never forget my dad actually drove me up from Texas to Pennsylvania and there was a bittersweet aspect to the drive. It really felt like the last time we’d have together. Emotionally it was difficult for me.
Now, I’m telling you this not to scare you but to show you the reality of the situation.
During your no contact period I want you to consider your relationship with your ex. I want you to be brutally honest with yourself and answer if you can actually fulfill the triad. Most people have two of the three aspects sorted but it’s the sacrifice involved with coming up with a plan that they can never work out.
If you can’t find a way to fulfill all three of the triad then getting your long distance ex back isn’t worth pursuing in my opinion. You should be using the no contact rule to get over your ex instead of trying to get them back.
TheBestInTheSouth
July 22, 2022 at 5:15 am
Hey Chris,
Partner and I broke up a couple days ago after dating for three months. we met at work a month or two prior (working in different departments) and are now managers in the same department for different teams. our work environment is remote and he doesn’t have social media. I was pushing for clarity on religious differences among other things (I myself might be fearful attached; I do both the push and pull) and he kept reassuring me. his reassurance did not result in me relenting, which resulted in him worrying and deciding we weren’t compatible. (we discussed the breakup yesterday in his car for an hour and a half after he drove to my city, two hours from his own , for health and safety training) he gave me a hug goodbye and kissed my forehead
He told me he really cares about me but we don’t make sense to him. he still talks to me at work and calls to check in on me. Today I decided to begin with NC. after I said a general goodbye in the group chats but did not DM him, left work (logged out) he called me about 15 min later. I returned the call an hour later and he asked me how I was doing. if I was eating etc. I told him yes with a warm smile and he walked over to his laptop and started working. I jokingly asked him if he called me to watch him work (given LDR its normal for us to just have the video feed open but doing our own work quietly) and he said “no I took my lunch break when I called. I wanted to call and check in on you.” I told him that was sweet and then I said “I’ll let you get back to work though” we said bye (I hung up first).
OK now that the context is set; obviously given work I can’t do a complete NC but I can engage NC via outside of work communication and initiating conversation. the part that is not clear to me is how to go about the rest given the lack of social media and the distance. I know that we were really good together and I just overwhelmed him with constantly needing reassurance and then having him feel dismissed with the reassurance he gave; I exhausted him and he chalked it up to our personality differences rather than my attachment issues. I know that I’m ready to use the NC time to develop myself more and now that I understand the impact I had on him, am ready to challenge my insecurities logically rather than turning to him for quick short solutions, but I’m unsure how to navigate…
H
May 22, 2022 at 12:12 am
My ex and I broke up after 5 years being together. First year we were physically tgt and the next 4 years I moved from west coast to east coast for school. We survived 1 year of not meeting due to covid when I was in a different country. But since January, we were having some problems due to communications. It was also around that time when he started to hang out with new friends. This is an important fact because he was always socially awkward and never had a lot of friends ever. He was also depressed about it and drank heavily in the second half of last year to cope with the loneliness. To which he would fly to me pretty often to gain my support. Unfortunately in early jan we decided to take a break because he saw us repeating same mistakes and unable to fix it. The problem was him always staying out late drinking with his friends and not communicating with me regularly. After about 3 weeks he came back to normal and we were contacting and loving each other as we used to in our relationship. Another important fact to note is that he has always been really kind and extra loving to me. He always treated me like a queen and the only issue was the communication part. After taking a break we were just as in love again and we took a trip to Miami together. The next month he also came to visit me again when I told him it wasn’t necessary. He had not been as consistent in coming to see me as much before covid but these last few months prior to the break up he really made an effort to come see me because he really wanted to. So the defining moment that led to the break up was one night after a week of his visiting me he was out drinking with his friends again and I was mad because it was a Monday night and I truly was concerned for his grades to which he was heavily affected by the previous semester. He broke my promise to what time he was staying out till and did not communicate to me when he came home. He had done this previously and it was a pattern that I was so sick of so I texted him its over and ignored him for 3 days. I know this was a toxic behavior of me but after that i reached out to him and told him I was just really mad and wanted him to experience how I felt. He became cold and told me he couldn’t talk to me for awhile. He also told me that he has already started sorting his feelings out by this time. A week later, he drove up to me and asked me to break up w him. It was 4 hours of us sobbing hysterically and going back and forth on our convo. I tried to leave couple times but he kept holding me back saying this will be our last time and we need to talk more. After that I had to leave and left saying this wasnt over yet and he did not respond to that. Next day he went radio silent and out of paranoia I flew to him 2 days later to talk to him. I was begging him, and telling him that distance was our problem. He said he didn’t think distance would change anything since we were living together for 3 months last year. He said he wouldn’t change his mind no matter what I said and I had to accept it at the point. He said he will always love me and still loves me and that I was his first love. He mentioned how he would probably need a full year to recover before he started dating again. We spent the rest of the hours before flight holding hands and hugging but I could feel him getting cold. I left and since then had not contacted him or heard from him for 6weeks now. He has not blocked me on any channels of social media nor has he been watching anything i post, he did however post stories w his new friends in the past two weeks when he had never ever posted on social media ever prior to our break up. This devastated me and I really still want him back after working myself with therapy these past 6 weeks. Please help.
Maddie
April 27, 2022 at 4:11 am
My boyfriend of 11 months (LDR for 8 months) & I broke up a week and a half ago. I was fully shocked as was everyone else because he told me & his friends up until two weeks before the breakup that I was the one and that he wanted to marry me. This was reiterated time and time again. Then out of the blue he said he was uncertain about me & was deciding what he wanted for a week. He broke up with me and now I’m clueless. He said he was worried long term but he has never been anything other than fully in love with me, thinking I’m perfect for him & with the happiest relationship. I was hysterical in the breakup over facetime & recognize I was desperate the week prior. Since the breakup I have gone full no contact (despite being very confused). We have a friends wedding where we will see each other 4 weeks from our breakup. Should I wait until then to contact him? I don’t want to scare him away. I still believe that he is very likely my person even if we don’t get back together for awhile.
Brianna Adams
April 20, 2022 at 2:08 pm
My ex boyfriend and I had been in a long distance relationships for 9 months. He is military and I am a full time college student, graduating next month. He had recently gotten news he was going to get out of the army in 60 days. He broke up with me 5 days ago. I am still devastated. I have so much love for this man. We did argue quite frequently and had difficulties with trust being broken, but we agreed that we can work out anything together just because how compatible we were and how strong our communication and love is for one another. He treated me so well. When we were in person (once a month for four days), everything was perfect. I envisioned THAT being the bulk of our relationship, as we had a future planned after his 60 days left in military. We had THAT to look forward to. One day…out of nowhere, he ended it. I texted him a lot right when it happened, begging, and once the next day checking in on how HE was handling it. Now I am shooting for the 21 days of no contact. I have such high hopes that he will realize I am his person and regret his decision.
One difference is that we played video games together, consistently. That was our way to connect. We have mutual friends through there, so I am not sure if one day in the middle of my no contact, he is going to connect with those friends during the same time I am. Do you think that would be detrimental to the no contact period?
Sorry that was so long. I don’t have many outlets to release this kind of conversation.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2022 at 12:04 pm
Hey Brianna, so I would say that if you are gaming and you speak with each other through that then yes you are bring the no contact rule. I would also suggest that the fact you spent some time begging him and reaching out to him after the break up that you need to go to 30 days NC not 21.
Lucky1
January 17, 2022 at 12:36 am
I would have to agree with this article about Long Distance Relationships and the triads. I can talk about two LDR I ‘ve dealt with. One of them, he was in Mexico and although he did reach out after a year and half of not talking and feelings are there…realistically, I do not think we can be together due to the triads not being filled. Having said that, we have a good friendship now (no contact helped me see this more clearly). Next LDR relationship ended a month ago and the reason he left (he is from South American and me in Canada) was because he was too homesick and I was settled where I am. There was also financial difficulties as well. We are not talking now, he even deleted my number to make it easy on him…I do hope he does reach out to me, but realistically, like Chris says above, I can see more clearly that it cannot work out unless one of us is willing to move. I have got a lot of valuable information from this site! Thanks.