Today I’m going to answer if playing hard to get really works.
It was actually all inspired by this comment posted on a video I did a few days ago,
Can I make a video on how to “play hard to get” the right way.
Well, CS, I can and you are the reason for why we are here today.
Alright, there’s a lot to cover here;
- Looking at scientific proof that “playing hard to get works.”
- Ensuring you are careful about not being “too hard to get.”
- Creating The Perfect “Hard To Get” Cocktail
Like I said, a lot to cover here.
Looking At Scientific Proof Of Why Playing Hard To Get Works
So, perhaps the most relevant study I found that proves was this one done by Harry Reis,
Essentially, Reis argues that if you make “the chase” harder it makes you more desirable.
To quote the researcher,
“Playing hard to get makes it seem as if you are more in demand—we call that having higher mate value,” says Harry Reis, a professor of psychology and Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester.
Now, I’ve long made the case that relationships are actually a lot more simple than people make them out to be.
At our core we’re always looking to find the best deal possible.
It seems Mr. Reis agrees with my assumption,
“We all want to date people with higher mate value. We’re trying to make the best deal we can.”
I promise that’s an exact quote and I didn’t just make that up.
But how do we grade “deals?” Well, I’ve actually referenced that before in the past in my talks on commitment.
Generally the more you fill the cups of these six pillars,
- Fear of Loss
The more desirable you become.
Do you see a trend with those things?
Roughly 50% of them revolve around making you “harder to get.”
- Scarcity (there’s no one else like you.)
- Urgency (If they don’t commit to you right now they’ll lose you forever)
- Alternatives (You get a lot of attention from other people.)
But, believe it or not you can actually take things too far.
What About If You Make Yourself Too Hard To Get?
So, if you aren’t familiar I wrote this book,
It’s essentially all about becoming “ungettable” but you need to be careful with that. One of the unfortunate side effects I’ve noticed over the years of that book is that women (and some men) take it a little too seriously and make themselves so ungettable that potential mates won’t even try to attract them.
Turns out Harry Reis has studied that as well,
Reis acknowledges the strategy doesn’t work for everyone, all the time. “If playing hard to get makes you seem disinterested or arrogant,” he says, “it will backfire.”
So, you want to play hard to get, but you can’t play too hard to get.
It’s a fine line we are walking here.
And that leads me to my next point. I want to build my own make believe scenario that I believe is the “perfect” play hard to get cocktail.
Creating The Perfect “Hard To Get” Cocktail
There are three main layers to properly playing hard to get and they have nothing to do with tactics. The internet has this strange obsession with tactics.
I blame the magic bullet solution mentality.
People often get sold this lie that if they say a certain phrase or act a certain way they’ll magically get what they want. Sometimes these magic bullet solutions can yield quick results but I don’t get a fu*k about quick results. I want long lasting ones.
Hence, I’m going to be focusing on the roots of this tree.
And there are three components to creating this hard to get cocktail.
- The Person You Are Playing Hard To Get With Needs To Genuinely Admire You
- The Global/Local Goals Within The Trinity
- You Cannot Be Too Available
We will start first with admiration.
The Admiration Quality
So, after really sitting down and thinking about it I think one of the best ways to play hard to get is to be admired by the person.
Specifically, if you have accomplished something that the person doesn’t believe they would be intellectually or physically capable of achieving themselves. This kind of plays on that pedestal theory I talk about in this video,
We always want to be dating someone that we believe is above us on the pedestal.
And if it’s true that we want what we can’t have, perhaps then the key to playing hard to get lies in doing things the other person can’t do.
Well, I think that’s where the next pillar comes into play.
Understanding Global And Local Goals Within The Trinity
The holy trinity is a core concept that I live my own personal life by.
There are three areas that almost all aspects of life can be divided up into,
The end goal for us all is to achieve a balance across the entirety of the trinity.
But simply doing something positively health, wealth and relationships based will feel nice at first but long term I’ve found it’s hard to sustain without a global goal.
So, each aspect of the trinity needs some global goal that you are trying to achieve.
And the global goal needs to be something that will take years to get to.
So, I’ll use myself as an example,
- Health: Complete An Iron Man And Quality For Kona
- Wealth: Become A Best Selling Author And Be Able To Write For A Living
- Relationships: Be The Best Father And Husband I Can
Remember, global goals take years to accomplish.
Local goals on the other hand are small steps that you take to achieve your global goals. So, as you embark on this framework you naturally set yourself on the path to becoming someone your crush, ex, partner, whoever, admires. That kind of drive and determination is uncommon and doing so allows you to achieve the third layer.
Layer 3: Not Being Too Available
One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is that when one of our clients falls for someone they tend drop their entire lives and revolve their world around that person,
This is dangerous because it’s the exact opposite of “playing hard to get.”
One of the things about going all in on local and global goals with a holy trinity is that your life begins to shift so that you don’t revolve around a boyfriend or girlfriend. The opposite tends to happen. Other people being to revolve around you. They become interested in what you are doing.
Which has this added benefit of making you appear unavailable. After all, you are busy.
You aint got time for posers.
Your life is too important.
And perhaps the most beautiful part about this approach is no matter what you are gaining something because you are investing your time wisely.
That’s what it all comes down to in the end. What are you investing your time in. People who are “hard to get” invest their time so little into other people that when they do it’s a big deal and their partners cherish them.