Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back

542 thoughts on “Common Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back”

Amy

September 4, 2014 at 3:48 am

Hi Chris,

To share with you my situation, I have commited almost all of these mistakes while trying in get him back.

He broke up with me for reasons I believe along the lines of not reassuring him that i’d won’t cheat on him [i admitted to kissing another person], with a guy who I explained to him had feelings for me. My ex got mad when I told him I was going to pick up something from the guy- and he was upset that I didn’t ask him to come with. Fair. Resentment grew and he broke up with me because lack of trust.

I understand the cheating incident left a big scar on him, knowing that his past gfs did the same. so i understand that this was in the back of his mind, a lot. I let it wear on my social and personal life, b/c when I went out, i was worried that he was worried that I’d commit the same mistake. A lesson learned was that I should’nt have worried so much- therefore I came across as shady towards the end of our relationship.

Furthermore, when he broke up with me, I did so well at the NC rule for 2 months, then finally emotions came and I broke it.

I wouldve been in the upper hand position if I didn’t crack, because when I contacted him and we met up- I was too emotional and spilled that during those 2 months I was in total agony.

We slept together that night and from then it’s been 4 months of friend zone, trying to cater to him and sleeping together. I don’t know where to go from here, would starting the NC rule work again? In between this time I’ve been so streessed and frustrated that I do not have 100% commitment from him, even though I tried to be there for him and more attentive than I ever was before, yes clingy because Id hate for him to see me as if I’m not trying. I’d appreciate your insight on this.

Really great website and advice. Thank you so much.
Wondering..please help...

August 26, 2014 at 4:13 pm

So slept with the ex of 2.5yrs two nights ago. I say ex but we never actually entered into a bf/gf relationship we were dating…

3months in he gave me the “I’m not ready for a relationship” I of course stupidly thought I could change that and that’s how we got to 2.5yrs on and off dating.

Anyhow long story short haven’t had physical contact with him since January 2014.. haven’t had contact besides a text he intiated since April 2014. I cut all contact in January and pretty much blew him off in April.

During our “sleeping” session two nights ago he told me repeatedly “he loved me and that he is scared of me”. He has never said anything of that manner to me ever.

So I do not want to read too much into that. Men are simple if they say something believe it. Do I believe it..is it a sham? Help!

admin

August 28, 2014 at 11:53 am

I wish it were simple like that but it may not be.

I would say someone who truly loves you would lock you down in a relationship and not just come around when they want sex.

ailana

August 16, 2014 at 10:37 pm

Every time I think things are getting better between my husband and me, I seem to make a mistake. Can you please give some real ways to stay in no contact? I am finding it harder to do them quitting cigarettes and losing over 50 pounds. I want my husband back and if I wait any longer to implement the no contact rule I fear I might push him away completely. Please help me, I need help getting through no contact and I have no friends mainly because all but two of the people I was friendly with (one died) are through him. So as I try to met new people, I would still like advice on how to get through no contact.

admin

August 18, 2014 at 12:56 pm

Are you just having trouble staying in NC or starting it?

Hannah

July 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm

So, I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex, twice. we were together for 3 months and have been broken up for the past 4 months. Up until the time we had sex, he would text me sporadically asking me random questions. I did NC after the break up for about 3 weeks. During the past month, we had started talking a bit more as I wanted to meet up with him. We kept missing each other because of our schedules, but one night he invited me to go to party with some of his friends. I decided to go. During the party, it was pretty awkward between us as we hadn’t seen each other for a whole month. Eventually, I got pretty drunk and we ended up sleeping with each other. He didn’t text me back for a week after that until I sent him a funny text which started up a conversation between us. This again led to him coming over to my place and having sex. I recently ran into him at the gym but he completely ignored me and hasn’t texted me.

Have I ruined my chances at getting him back? I am currently in NC right now with him. Should I discuss what happened between us?

admin

July 16, 2014 at 2:57 pm

Not ruined but you are going to have to not sleep with him anymore.
Hannah

July 16, 2014 at 4:55 pm

Also, after we had sex the last time, I tried to initiate a conversation about where we were headed. Basically, he told me that he didn’t want a relationship but we could be friends with benefits. I told him I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t ask if he still had any feelings for me, but I feel like he doesn’t. Is it time for me to move on? Or can I still try to win him back?
admin

July 18, 2014 at 2:54 pm

You don’t want to be friends with benefits…
Hannah

July 19, 2014 at 6:25 am

How long should I remain in NC? And when it’s over, what should I do? Can I still use those texting guidelines or do I approach the situation differently? Like suggesting to talk about what happened?
Hannah

July 15, 2014 at 10:18 pm

He is also still friends with his ex and they hang out quite often. They’ve know each other for the past few years and had something going on during sophomore year of college but she broke up with him. I don’t know how I factor into all of this. I don’t think that I was his rebound girl, but a part of me wonders if I was. I am not mutual friends with his ex so I don’t know how they interact together.

Caroline

July 8, 2014 at 12:01 am

Hi Chris,

Does this only work for official couples? I was dating a guy for about 2 months and I broke it off because he started distancing himself. We started texting again a few weeks ago and he is starting to see me as a FWB although nothing has happened yet. I have been NC for almost a week now. Do you think it would work in my case? And how should I approach it if he initiates within the NC for 30 days to get myself out of the FWB zone? Thanks!

Aw

July 11, 2014 at 2:53 am

It’s been a month since my ex broke up with me. I’ve seen him 3 times while we were broken up. First time- he came to my mom’s house to drop off some of my stuff and we had a heart to heart convo, which lead him to cry. Second time- he invited me to see our dog at the dog park with our other friends. Went out to eat afterwards. I pled and cried saying that we should work on things and how I understand we needed space. Third time- he invited me over to eat. (He cooked) he stayed his distance and I made the mistake of staying longer than expected. A week goes by and now he’s hitting me up, saying that he found a few more stuff and if he could drop
It off. I haven’t texted him back…. Am I going to lose him if I started the no contact rule on July 5th?
admin

July 8, 2014 at 2:27 pm

Again, it is mostly for couples but I wouldn’t be shocked if it worked on non couples too.

Jessica

July 4, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Hi Chris hopefully you can shed some light on my situation…my bf of 2 years broke up with me about in may a day after mothers day…the problem was he was growing very distant from me a day before break up we had sex and we discussed future plans…then all of a sudden he breaks up with me then blames it all on me saying I was a cheater…he blocked me on fb…then he said he wanted to change his number nc it reminded him of me and that it would bother him to see me date someone else although he said he didn’t love me or was interested in me…it all started when I opened up an account on a dating site and he saw my profile he deleted his picture from his profile and started talking to me like he was another guy…long story short he cursed me out he said he’s love was fading away…i did called him after we broke up but I wasn’t crazy about my calls and I didn’t go to his place to get closure…i did beg for him to come back but he said no…he wind up changing his number our last conversation was 3 weeks ago on whatsapp which he asked me how I got his new number and we argue over issues he said I broke his heart…and also blocked me on whatsapp he told me he was gonna change his whatsapp number but he blocked me instead BC I can still see him through my aunts what’s app…so I need advice should no contact work on someone who changes his number…

admin

July 7, 2014 at 5:51 pm

Well, yes and no. Really NC is only one step of the process. You need to have a means to contact him for the rest to fall into place.
Jessica

July 8, 2014 at 4:51 pm

Will emailing him work
admin

July 9, 2014 at 2:15 pm

Not the preferred method. I would only use it if you have no other choice.
Jessica

July 9, 2014 at 4:35 pm

I did and is not working I think he blocked me on emails too..it sucks.

SaladeMeow

July 1, 2014 at 12:49 am

Hi Chris,

I spent a few hours with my ex yesterday. He stopped by to pick up some of his stuff and then invited me to go shopping with him. He said he was going to spend less than 1 hour with me and stayed 3.

I sent him a text after saying how it was nice to see him, and that next time we should do something more exciting. He said maybe, but then I think I pushed it too far. I suggested an activity we could do together and he stuck to his “maybe”. Today I texted him that it’s too bad he isn’t sure because there is a sale today on said activity. He replied “sorry” and I asked why. He said for being unsure.

Now I think because I pushed too hard I should go back to NC right? For how long? Does this mean he could possibly still have feelings for me, but isn’t ready yet?

Thanks!

admin

July 3, 2014 at 12:47 am

Go back in NC for a day or two… That should be enough.

Alex

June 15, 2014 at 11:36 am

Hi

I broken up with my boyfriend on 31/5 and the last contact I had with him was 5/6. We said some truely awful things to each other (me in particular) as we both knew the areas that would hurt the most and targeted them. Since I have blocked him on my phone etc and he has through Linkedin (he doesn’t have a facebook page). We are both hot head people and small issues seem to grow large and then we argue. He doesn’t handle stress very well although he did own a very large company which is subsequently sold for several million. He’s not the most diplomatic of people and lashes out verbal when things are not going well (he has OCD and likes to be in control). However when all is said when it’s good it’s near prefection and if we could learn to control the other there might be a future. I don’t know at the moment its very raw and I’m still trying to heal from it all. Any thoughts would be most welcome?
Hannah

May 27, 2014 at 1:15 pm

I am on the final day of no contact. Really pleased with how it has gone, haven’t been tempted to contact him at all, got into yoga about 4 weeks ago and the results have been amazing and I’m appreciating this time as it’s made me realise that I can be on my own and I’m rediscovering the independent side to me. However, the feelings for my ex do keep creeping back in. He’s very awkward with his emotions and hasn’t been in contact at all. I bumped into him about 3 weeks ago in a club and he was pointing at me and saying something to his friend, I just carried on enjoying myself with my friends and didn’t attempt to speak with him. Problem is, now I am at the end of the NC period, I’m scared of reaching out and texting him for fear of rejection. Should I text him in the next few days or should I leave it a little longer?
Kat

May 25, 2014 at 6:10 am

So I wrote to you a couple of months ago complaining thinking my ex was lying to me etc. etc. Since then I happened to bump into him out (where I saw him for the first time in two months) and we talked and everything, ended up kissing and ever since we’ve been chatting here and there and met up twice together and just hung out which has been really good! Yes okay I made the mistake of sleeping with him, but he’s had plenty of opportunities to ‘take advantage of me’ and use me for sex and he hasn’t plus has openly said he’s not using me for sex (I know he could be lying but still). Anyway he said he really enjoyed hanging out and I saw him the other day and yeah we kissed and he said ‘I’ve really missed kissing you’ which obviously made my heart melt :/

But he’s still going out ALL the time, and keeps hanging out with my friends, who yes okay he was friends with before we started going out, but c’mon girl code! And he’s very secretive, openly telling me not to believe what people tell me because he doesn’t tell them the truth… should I be worried? Everything’s kinda started to feel good again, even though i’ve accepted we’re just friends right now as I know a relationship so soon wouldn’t work. I just don’t want to get my hopes up

Care to shed some light from a male perspective?
Sally

May 19, 2014 at 10:58 pm

It’s been a year since he dumped me, nearly 5 years together and the 6 last months were a long-distance relationship, he was trying to cheat on me after 2.5 of me leaving town and I found out (invading his privacy, which is a big reason to dump me I know that and feel bad about doing it, aand he knows I did several times). I remained quiet during that period until I came back, but I was always distresses during phone calls. I come back and tell him everything and break up (he lied a lot), then he begs and we are back but I have to leave again.

Nothing was the same and he did keep the contact with the other woman. So one day he just got too angry at me questioning him about what was going on with her and breaks up with me on the phone.

Fast forward to more than a year (and me being back in town) I’ve done all of the mistakes above (except the grand gesture I guess) and with a lesser intensity, but did them all the same (slept with him recently to sum up about 6 times in 9 months).

He does show he loves me but doesn’t trust I will trust him again and says he doesn’t want to hurt me. During the first several months he sent messages, called, crying, apologizing for everything, and telling me I am the love of his life and that he hasn’t been with anyone (I have a hard time believing that) but never asking to get back, since when I do get that change I say something that hurts my cause. But I want to trust him and try to rebuild what we had, in spite of knowing he was unfaithful.. And I fear that during the NC rule I could lose him to another, since he seems more laid back than before and barely even talks to me unless I do it.
Desperate

May 16, 2014 at 11:50 pm

Hi.. I broke up with my boyfriend for a month now, I tried getting back with him through the wrong moves, now I’m on day 3 of my NC.. I deactivated my Facebook and even changed my number.. Is what I’m doing right? Anyway, just so you know, he is dating a new girl..

admin

May 20, 2014 at 8:33 pm

I wouldnt have deactivated facebook or changed the number. You could have simply ignored him for the full NC.
Desperate

May 21, 2014 at 3:03 am

So should I activate my Facebook again and put back my old number?
admin

May 21, 2014 at 2:35 pm

I think you should. Just don’t pick up or respond to him if he does call.
Desperate

May 22, 2014 at 12:12 am

Ok, thank u.. 🙂 I hope I can win him back someday.. 🙂

Lilly

May 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm

This whole NC thing is quite workable and I guess my Ex applies this same strategy with me all the time. My ex dumbed me a few years back due to our family issues and he was my childhood best friend too.He tries to contact me every now and than but most importantly implements this NC rule on me all the time. I still do love him a lot but why am I not getting back to him cuz he’s been a confused person all his life. Until or unless he’s not sure of us being official I wont go back to him.
But yes I quite like this page as after reading this I realized men knows men really well. As whatever has been mentioned is all applied by my Ex on me every now and than.
Yes from inside I am always insecure that by this I might loose him, but I believe what is mine will always remain mine.
lets see fingers crossed.
What you think can we be together ever???

admin

May 20, 2014 at 8:31 pm

He dumped you over family issues? Seriously?

meghna

April 20, 2014 at 9:26 pm

hi chris,
my bf left me listening his friends words.his friend tried on me and i didn’t responded,he is angry with me and just made some stories and told my bf.then i followed the no contact rule and he came back saying that he misunderstood me.we met only once after he came back for me and had sex on that day.after that day he again started avoiding me,not replying my texts,not picking up my cal and sending msg that he is busy….blah blah….i donno wot to do now….shall i try hard for him or move on with my life(donno if i can)

admin

April 21, 2014 at 4:11 pm

Do you want him back? Or do you want to move on?

Its a hard question for most people.

I think you try to get him back while kind of moving on. So my answer is do both 🙂
meghna

April 30, 2014 at 10:56 am

how could i do both? do i need to contact him or leave it and never contact him??donno….feeling lost 🙁

neha

April 16, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Hello … M neha, 21 years.. A guy proposed me n I gave him positive answer. .. He was so loyal n treated me like his princess… He made me to trust him… N I went deeply in his love. After some days he left me for no reasons. When he came to know from his friends that I was in pain then he came back but with conditions that he will never stop smoking weed and he need space.. When I told him that I too will have it then he forced me to leave him… He told me ‘ ur love is nothing in front of weed, n I was happy without you’ …. I still love him.. I take care of him… But he ignores me. He texts me as a friend….. What should I do. I love him a lot.
Jolene

April 16, 2014 at 3:49 am

My boyfriend of 1.5 years were fighting because I checked his history and was insecure. I know I am wrong now, but back then, he felt distant so I thought something was going wrong. I found out he was checking out this girl for a few days straight. We had a big fight and on the second day after reconciling, he suddenly told me he wanted to break up – saying we have gone platonic, he’s not sure if he loves me anymore, he can’t see me in his future because of the way I am carrying myself. I never used to be like that, it just started coming up later on. He is also lazy by nature so he stopped making an effort for the relationship. We are supposed to meet in a week – he told his family and friends that we agreed to be apart for a week. HE constantly says that hes tired and frustrated of the relationship. Do i write an apologetic letter when I meet him, asking for a trial period? I have not contacted him in the past 4 days. I know no contact rule is 1 month, so what do i do?
Trish

April 14, 2014 at 12:00 am

Hi Chris,
I think I was a rebound girl. I’ve been single most of my life (25 yrs old) and met this guy in the military who was stationed in my town. We met through a friend and the 1st night spent 5 hours walking around the town, SUPER intense connection, thinking it was meant to be, etc. He was leaving for deployment so we only had 12 days together, and decided to jump in. We spent almost every day together, and he got super serious saying he couldn’t believe he met me, we were talking about moving in together after his tour, RIDICULOUS connection and I decided to give love a chance and follow his lead and got really serious about it. I had a lot of objective conversations with him asking if he wanted a relationship, if he was over past ex’s, etc. and he said he was. So he leaves and we talk non-stop for 2 days and he’s totally committed, and then the next day I get a call from him saying his ex-girlfriend of 3 years (they only broke up 2 months before we met, obviously bad) came by his house and professed her love and that he was really confused, and felt like he should be alone for a while. I am realistic and realize I probably was a rebound, and do agree that he should take time to heal from her. Only problem is I think we were soulmates. After that call I have been on NC for 2 weeks. Do you think there’s any chance he would come back some day (can a guy and the rebound girl one day be together?) and with this situation, after 30 days NC how is the best way to proceed with this? (No idea if he’s with his ex, etc. Haven’t spoken.) Thank you SO MUCH.

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Theres a chance… but right now do you think your in the right mindset to get him back? I think you need to get yourself situated first before you can even try getting him back.
Trish

April 14, 2014 at 12:06 am

(On the breakup call when he told me he was confused, my response was that I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t sure and that if he wanted to be together he would have made it happen, and he didn’t respond so I said we were over.) NC since then.

Lost and lonely

April 13, 2014 at 3:52 am

Me and my boyfriend broke up and then he called me and said that he was sorry and he said that he would have kids with me in the future and then he said I love you but then the next morning after I tried texting him he told me it was really over and I admit I was freaking out and trying to get answers and even I called myself annoying but when he wouldn’t answer I started sending him texts saying stuff like I’m sorry for saying everything that I ever told you and that I wished we were still friends because we were friends before we dated and we secretly liked each other but when I sent him these texts he was really rude and didn’t seem like himself and I tried the no talking rule but I can’t do that because he has always been their for me because I’ve had a rough life but after he dumped me he wouldn’t talk to me and it really hurt idk what to do my friends tell me to just forget about him but to be honest I can’t
Christine

April 12, 2014 at 6:17 am

I have been doing the 30 days No Contact without realizing it. Good to read some commentary and reasoning on your site. Learned this bit of logic when I realized that talking didn’t accomplish anything. I have yet to want to go back to someone after having 30 days to think about it. Every ex has asked me back, or given me a chance back. Sometimes it takes longer than 30 days. If he is a narcissist it takes 3 months, a failed relationship on his part, and a bunch of people telling him he made a huge mistake. I like the waiting period to separate myself, and really think things through. Definitely not easy initially. It is rare that it is even healthy to get an ex back. From my limited experience I have only seen one case in which a couple had a legitimate reason to get back together. Thank you for your advice columns Chris.

admin

April 12, 2014 at 4:35 pm

Hahaha advice columns makes me laugh for some reason.

I try to make these massive guides for people so I am glad you liked my stuff.

Kathryn

April 11, 2014 at 12:07 am

Hi. I absolutely love all the advice that you give. However I have one major problem. I share two children with my now ex, ages 2 & 4. Do to work schedules and child care I have absolutely no choice but to talk to him on a regular basis so the no contact rule (most important rule) can not be applied in my situation. What else can I do?

Christine

April 12, 2014 at 5:42 am

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule/comment-page-1/#comments

scroll down to ‘Situations Where It Is Impossible To Avoid Contact’

You have limited contact basically, but read the article.

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542 thoughts on “Common Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back”