Today I’m putting together a complete guide on explaining the ins and outs on if dumpers are afraid to contact their exes.
In short, I’m of the belief that most dumpers ARE NOT afraid to contact their exes. Instead, they’re simply falling victim to their natural avoidant tendencies which makes most people think they’re afraid of contacting them.
Now, some may read that statement and think,
“But what about a situation where the dumper simply wants nothing to do with their ex?”
Even in those cases I think understanding how the avoidant attachment style plays a role can be illuminating. After all, the avoidant will, well, they’ll avoid.
Why Most People Think Dumpers Are Afraid To Contact An Ex?
You’ve been broken up with. Maybe it’s been a few months since the breakup event and in all that time your ex hasn’t contacted you.
In fact, you’ve reached out a few times, just trying to be nice, and received no response.
It’s as if you didn’t exist. You’re left wondering if your time together meant anything to them.
(It did, don’t worry.)
So, what’s going on here? Is your ex afraid to re-hash the past?
Why won’t they talk to you?
Recently, Coach Tyler and I conducted a really interesting interview where we talked about the dynamics of dismissive avoidants,
And he said something in the interview that really stuck with me.
“Immediately after the breakup occurs, they like to cease all contact with their exes. You’ll find they will completely drop off the map. In other words, while you are using a no contact rule on them they are using one on you. In some rare instances they will poke in a time or two to check up on you and that’ll be it. They’re out.”
Why do they do this?
Well, it all stems from a core wound. According to the tenets of attachment theory everyone has an attachment style but those that have insecure ones are usually founded from this idea of a core wound.
That’s a lot to swallow so allow me to go matrix mode and slow it down for you.
This graphic illustrates the hierarchy of attachment styles.
Notice how all attachment styles fall into two clear categories.
But really we’re looking at the insecure category in depth here.
There are three types of insecure attachment styles.
- Dismissive Avoidant
- Fearful Avoidant
I know it gets a bit confusing with the terminology but I’m going to give you a pretty quick cheat sheet. Simply by understanding the core wounds of each attachment style will tell you a lot about their “M.O.”
Anxious Core Wound: Terrified of being alone.
So, anxious people get often triggered during a breakup because their worst fear has just come true.
Dismissive Avoidant Core Wound: Terrified of losing their independence.
Take a look at this graphic,
This pretty much sums up my entire theory on dismissive avoidants. They are caught between a paradox of desperately craving a deep love and not wanting anyone to tread on their independence.
(Side Note: I don’t want to go too far into fearful avoidants core wounds because it’s basically a combination of the two.)
Understanding this basic principle about dismissive avoidants can give you a lot of insight into why they are so distant after they break up with you.
In their mind they just got free from the relationship. They also have these preconceived notions about you and they do not want to rehash any of those.
So, ultimately after they dump you they find it easier not to reach out to you at all.
Some may read this as fear and maybe that’s a little true but I think for most avoidant dumpers it’s simply more convenient not to talk to you because they don’t want any more self imposed trauma.
Which leads me to my next point.
Why I Believe Avoidant Dumpers Eventually Are Overcome With Nostalgia
I’m a dismissive avoidant.
Take the test here to find out your attachment style.
Albeit a pretty self aware one but I definitely avoid things when I should just tackle them head on.
(I’m working on it.)
But I’m getting off topic. I’ve come to realize that most avoidants are eventually overcome with nostalgia. It’s a concept I talk a lot about in this video,
Basically after stumbling across research and studying our success stories I began to notice an interesting trend.
When our clients had moved on from their exes is when the exes started coming back into the picture.
It doesn’t sound exactly revolutionary does it?
But what’s really interesting is that we know pure avoidant exes tend to be overcome with nostalgia when they feel safe to fawn over their exes.
They usually only feel safe if a few things have happened.
You’ve moved on from them completely They’ve moved on from you A lot of time has gone by
Avoidants fall victim to the phantom ex syndrome, something I’ve talked a lot about on this website.
The perfect setup for them is to covet a relationship with someone that they literally won’t have to commit to.
So, as a dismissive avoidant has this ever happened to me?
Why yes, it has.
My Real Life Story Of Breakup Nostalgia
I broke up with my ex after dating her for nine months. I’d classify the relationship similar to that of a shooting star.
Parts were fraught with excitement and new experiences but ultimately those memories were fleeting.
Most of the relationship was the two of us fighting. Eventually I had enough.
And so, I broke up with her. Over text no less, pretty lame, right?
Months go by and I literally did not even want to talk to her. After all, I associated her with nothing but pain.
Then something funny happened. Nostalgia happened. Looking back I was totally falling victim to the peak end rule.
If you aren’t familiar the peak end rule is this psychological concept studying memory. Essentially it states that human beings remember experience based on two distinct points.
- The peak experiences
- The end of the experience
I started remembering those exciting moments of our time together. Sure, we may have fought a lot but the way I felt during certain moments of the relationship was unmatched. I started fixating on that and that’s when nostalgia kicked in for me in a pretty heavy way.
So much so, that I decided I was going to execute a grand gesture to try to restart the relationship.
Here was my plan.
- Wake up early
- Drive up to her college
- Find her Talk with her
- Win her back
(A little context: During the relationship I would show up early to spend extra time with her before she would go to class.)
Of course, there were a few problems with my plan. Namely, I had no idea how I was going to locate her. I had no idea what her schedule was like. We’d been broken up for a long time. I knew she was still going to the school.
But I was going to figure everything out there. It was a spur of the moment plan.
And harkens back to that interview I did with Coach Tyler. About Nostalgia here’s what he had to say,
Many exes that we’re dealing with seem to go through this aggressive re-approach stage where seemingly out of the blue they contact you wanting to revisit things.
Often this is happening because nostalgia takes over and for a moment you grow anxious.
So, what happened with me and my ex? Well, I basically did the exact plan.
I went to be super early and woke up at 5am. I hopped in my car, drove to the college and waited for the classes to start.
I’m there waiting, looking for her.
Hours go by and I begin to feel like a creep. I haven’t found her and I’m just wandering around aimlessly.
“What am I doing?” I eventually said to myself and I got in my car and drove away.
What You Can Take From My Story
There are two main morals to my story.
- Avoidant individuals will at some point have a period of nostalgia
- Sometimes that nostalgia can happen quickly and out of the blue.
- Personally, when coaching individuals I see this happen a lot, specifically with avoidant exes.
It just so happens that many of our clients exes happen to be avoidant by nature.
Let me know if you have any firsthand experiences with this in the comments below.
Until next time!