Dissecting Why Your Ex Boyfriend Lied To You- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

182 thoughts on “Why Your Ex Boyfriend Lied To You”

Juvia

October 18, 2015 at 2:05 pm

Hi
So almost a month ago, my ex broke up with me at the beginning of a friend’s 18th birthday party (I ended up having to leave due to me being unable to stop crying and he spoilt the evening for me and a lot of my friends there). I cried for the first couple days but then I decided that maybe it was for the best, and being friends was probably the way to go. But then I found out that he’d lied to me about his feelings – he’d been having doubts about our relationship for ‘months’ and had lied to my face about loving me for two weeks to a month. And then he tried to justify this to me and blamed it all on me not being responsive enough and not being the person that he wants. On its own, that fact is bad enough, but a couple of years previously I had developed severe anxiety and trust issues stemming from the fact that my old group of friends had been lying to my face and were conspiring to kick me out of the group. So I’ve basically had a severe relapse because of this lying and I’m a total mess – even though I have plenty of great friends now and some self-esteem boosters. I just don’t understand why he’d lie to me about his feelings and even the fact that he was having the smallest of doubts without even telling me, especially when one of his points that he moaned at me about was how I was never expressive enough with how I felt about things that he said.
The worst part is, I still miss him and I can’t seem to move on with my life, and the issues he brought back are going to affect any future relationships, and hasn’t exactly put me in the best state of mind. I have to see him every single day at college so it’s not like I can totally ignore him, because he got very annoyed when I refuse to talk to him at college and started to take it out on our friends.
I just don’t know what to do anymore

Chris Seiter

October 18, 2015 at 3:28 pm

This situation is easy. It sounds like he began to view you as a weak, insecure person. Those qualities are not attract to the opposite sex. All you have to do is limited contact for 30 days. So when you see him wave hello and if he tries to talk to you be nice and talk for a minute, look at your watch/phone whatever you use for a clock. “I have to go, I’m late.” He will probably ask you for what, just say “I have to go I’m meeting up with someone.” Walk away quickly. This will get his mind racing. Don’t tell him who you are meeting. This does a couple of things. 1. It tells him, he is no longer #1 2. Gets him wondering if another guy has stolen your heart.

During your 30 days of limited contact really work on yourself. Talk yourself up everyday to improve your self esteem. It sounds silly but look in the mirror everyday when you wake up and choose one thing that you like about your self and say it out loud. Pick a different thing each day. Also I want you to write a list of things you love about yourself and things you’d like to change. During the 30 days try to make some of those changes. Start a new hobby also. Go to a college yoga or pilates class. Or try a class that guys will be in like kickboxing or cycling.

Do not talk to your friends about your ex if they know him!! That is very important.

Please reach out if you need any more advice or help. Keep me posted. I think you have a very good chance at getting him back.

myrta

August 25, 2015 at 10:46 pm

me 27 my bf him 26 i dont know if i should stay or go

me – extensive therapy truly rough life ranging from sexual to emotional to physical abuse.
i was about 4 when my mom remarried after my dad died. he had two sons much older that found his porn stash and started acting it out on me. my mom walked in on it happening once.she did nothing never talked to me or got me help just figured i was too young to remember. in latter years shed give me up to DHS where i was placed with the most sadistic foster fathers who would force me to watch porn and act it out on them even read things like the kama sutra books over oral to teach me to please properly… my dhs social worker didnt care said i made up the stories even though i showed the cigarrette burns on my body from where i did something wrong. I ended up with a abusive husband at 17 he was a hardcore porn addict couldnt get it up to touch me tried convincing and lieing to break me down to get lipo breast implants and he wanted to get my legs broken to make me as tall as his porn girl. i had a psychological break my conscious couldnt cope with the trauma of being broken any further so I was blacked out for 8 months. snapped out of freaked out scared cause thats a lot of time to be missing. i couldnt remember anything unti i started getting kinda like flash backs of memories but it was cloudy and unclear.

my bf knows my background and that i have issues with pornography. at first in our relationship or courtship phase i didnt beause i mean its a new ball game when ur absoutely committed and living with someone. I told him about my past how porn is a form of sexual suicide for me that i have a hard im watching it and seeing him ogle those pathetic broken women ( read jenna jamesons book if you dont think they arent exactly that) And how we have a serious problem in the medical community of guys having a psychological issue called pornagraphy induced erectile dysfunction that viagra wont fix only long periods void of all sexual stimulation for months sometimes years must be done to reset the reward zone of the brain (google Dr OZ porn theres 4 videos of the countries foremost authorities in psychology, physiology, and nuerology)

I told him first i wanted him to stop pulling it up and ogleing it in front of me u want private time ill leave for a bit. he kept doing it. I wigged out. He promised me it meant nothing to him so he promised to stop. that was about a month and a half ago give or take. Im not critical i dont condemn him if a pop up comes up and he closes it or its in a movie i stay quiet and calm because noone can completely control that with the degradation of society and media. i got a feeling on sunday that there was a disturbance in the force. im highly intuitive and empathetic so i sense things in people that they try to hide. i gues after always being used my survival instinct dumped this ability in my lap as a means of preservation. I go to therapy my therapist says im more well adjusted them most average people. I looked on his phone he just recently suprised me a couple weeks ago by getting us new phones. i looked on his phone in the browser history and my heart dropped and i felt disgusted to see mmf 3somes bi sex etc. hes never said hes bi or gay and doesnt request anal play on me or him so i dunno. He lied to me and broke a promise he made with information he knew he could use to hurt me. we finally sat down and mustered a conversation yesterday he told me that I have begun to “creep him out cause im acting like his mother because she would apparently go through his sit when he was little taking his porn which is kinda a mute point more a manipulation tactic to throw me off the subject at hand but its something new i didnt know about him. i asked him why i wanted the truth i deserved that much. he said sunday i made him mad (which is funny cause i had no idea he was mad we were watching netflix and he was playing a game and he fast forwarded the sex scene which i never asked him to do i just cringe and turn my head if its like soft porn im ok if its the fade out). said so he went to the bathroom took his phone he told me his thought process started with being mad with me and that “stupid” promise he made so he said fuck it im going to do it anyways. he said i didnt beat off to it or i was just curious how it looked on my new phone or it means nothing but i thought in a healthy relationship it equal give and take even in a situation like that it means nothing to him and im having sexual dysfunction because of it ( its hard to see it think about the violence rape and torture i went through and be able to climax or even become aroused) it should be obvious what would easily resolve the issue. i cook (very well) i clean i have sex with him 3-4 times a day even a quickie on his lunch breaks from work everyday. I pole dance and give him shows lapdances with a happy ending i give oral very well reguarly and switch it up to hand jobs occasionally and still work take care of my 3 children. He devasted me he used something i trusted him with to not hurt me and because he was mad he said he made the conscious choice to do this to me. I feel betrayed my trust violated. he seems remorseful but its hard to tell he doesnt show much emotion hes spent his whole life having to hide or he would be hurt by his family and friends. i already gave him two chances if i continue this will be the third i am just worried hes going to get mad and do it again or maybe escalate down the road to actually infidelity to hurt me more. hes normally very kind to me passionate but i just dont feel the same anymore. its still new and hurts bad and im trying to take time to figure things out before i make a rash decision. is he just a compulsive liar that fooled me cause he still lieing about i gave him the chance to tell me about the other porn i found after the shit on his phone but he denied it saying it was a pop up when hes a IT hacker guy he has no pop ups….. i followed where he saw the link on stumble upon went there and decided that he wanted to view several pics i saw the cookies and cache and browser history. I am very unsure and very uneasy since i tend to gravitate towards abusive hateful people even tho im a optimistic full of hope and looking for the one…..
Andrea

June 22, 2015 at 2:24 am

Hi, I have been reading posts on your sight for weeks. My bf of 1 yr and I have been broken up now for about a month now. We seemed to have had a great thing going on, I am a single mother of two young kids 7 & 2. I started dating a little before my little girl turned 2.
This guy and I met online, we clicked so well it was amazing. After awhile of dating he would makes plans with me but he would not show up or call to say anything and won’t respond to my calls or texts. He would be gone for a week or two then start back texting me slowly and then eventually calling and for some reason even after telling him how I felt he understood as all was well. Things have been great but as of lately I felt like something wasn’t right and I was telling him about
He had to go to DC for a day he never called or texted me when he got there, didn’t call to let me know he was nothing coming in that day b/c he had some more things to do and he will ride back with some friends and come straight to my place
Thing is she he got back and texted me saying he was home. I questioned him as to why he didn’t come to my place like he said he would and he said his room mate wanted to move out so he had to stop by there first.
I texted him and told him I was on my way to his place, while I was dressing he responded and asked me to give him about an hr or so, I pretended not to see the text and proceeded to go to his place. I got there and responded to his message and advised that I just saw his message but I would wait outside for a while for him to talk to his room mate.
I texted him about 30-45 mins later asking him if he was done then he called me asking me where I was. I told him at his place then he asked me to meet him at the playground at his place i asked him why would I do that if he’s inside? I told him I needed to use the bathroom so he said hold on he’ll open the door for me, he thought I was in front of his door and told me to stay there.
All this time I was in my car, getting out of my car another pulls up in front of me then he face times me asking where I was. I asked where he was since he had a bag around his chest and there’s sunlight and trees in the background. He said he went to check his mail.
In the mean time something told me to walk up to the car and speak to the girl in the car and I simply smiled and asked her if she lived there she said no and continued to say she was waiting for her friend (his name) b/c he stopped at the mailbox. As I’m standing at the car he walks up looks up at me then to the girl in the car and says to her “can I talk to you without her” she says yes and I said that she can b/c HER was leaving.
She realized who I was then she started taking off and he’s telling her he needs to talk to her and to wait but she left then he calls after me saying he needed to explain. He says it was his ex and yes he was bidding the fact that she was in town from me but heeding say anything time b/c I couldn’t handle the truth, he says he can’t move on with me until he had closure with her (bs) she looks like she just woke up and the bag around his chest was gone, why?
It looks like he spent the weekend with her, is what it looks like in my eyes. I took his things to him him and asked him for my keys and the $400 he owed me, he said he will pay me ASAP, last Tuesday I got a text from him asking me if I had the next evening free, I responded the next morning telling him I would be free from 7-8:30 then he messaged back 8:46 saying he had to work late which was a lie since he’s training at my job for a new position I just got him and training ends at 6 pm.
He wanted to know if I can meet the next day and it told him that I may not be able to meet since I may not have a babysitter and he asked me to bring my little girl, I declined cause there was no point to me edging him to talk or collect my money with her, I don’t want him being in contact with her any more and meeting at chuckee cheese is smart.
Is he playing mine games? He said he never cheated on me. He’s not trying to keep me and what the heck could he have wanted? Sorry I know this is pretty much a book
Amanda

April 8, 2015 at 10:01 pm

Hey there, weirdly my bf name is Chris. We have been dating for almost 6 months. Let me first back up and say I have been cheated on by every one of my ex’s and have no contact with them anymore. Those were easier to deal with I think because going into the relation i knew what kind of guys they were, which makes my current situation harder. That being said, in the beginning of our relationship i informed my bf that i had trust issues but would try not to let him suffer for it. He is from Germany and went back for the holidays after only dating a month. Before he left, he told me he loved me! I was so excited I felt the same and never had felt it before! He is my soulmate! On our first date he told me about his cheating ex adn how hurt it hurt him and he hated her and never wanted to talk again.

Last week I had this crazy feeling he was lying to me about seeing a friend of his whom has tried to physically fight me at one point for no reason. I asked him to stop being friends with someone like that until she came and talked out her issues with me. Turns out they talk all the time! have lunch together on campus almost everyday! and when he had a job interview, he took her car and lied to my face about it said he took his roomates car. We had a disagreement and took a ‘break’ for literally a day and told this friend that he ‘made out’ with some random girl that night. I asked him knowing he was at the bar that night we had our break if anything happened and said a friend of mine saw him, but he denied it. Again to my face!

also, there was a conversation with his ex and him from during his vacation our first month of dating. nothing bad or crazy, just asked how they were doing, school, work, and hwo it shoudlnt be awkward to run into each other. Now, if he told me about this when it happened, I would have said “Thats great then no drama” and dropped it. They talked about her current new BF (that she cheated on him with) but he never mentioned me. Also, a month ago, he wished her a happy birthday. And that is not even a huge deal for me, but then when I simply asked “When was the last time you and your ex talked?” He blatenly said “I hate her and havent since last August” which was 8 months ago! He lied to my face! I even said after “you know you can tell me and i wont get mad right? I told you when my ex contacted me” (Which i did!) and still stuck to his story and said “i cannot believe you woudld even ask me something like that. dont you trust me!”

Another convo I saw was with a guy friend of his, who was asking when he would be back home for break. then they began talking about their New Years Plans, my bf said that he was hoping to go to Berlin with a girl ‘friend’ of his who had recently become single. He explained to his guy friend that they always had ‘something’ but timing never worked and something would probably ‘happen’ on their trip. Luckily, he did also tell his friend that he met me and i was ‘very nice’ meaning good looking. But that was it. To my utter disgust, this girl came and invaded our Valentines Day and surprised him because she was in Florida from Germany. Who flies halfway across the country just cuz your in it and there not be something there? I told him i was uncomfortable with her staying at his appartment and he basically used the ‘yo need to trust me’ speech again. and i did. He insisted that they never had anything or even liked each other but his convo said otherwise. also, turns out on new years he texted his guy friend how he “needed to find a girl”. WTF!

Lastly, the worst part, he was on Tinder! and had messaged other girls on there in the last week! just saying “hey whats up” but why would he be on there. I said my friend saw his profile and contronted him and told him to delete it or I would leave him! he immediately deleted it saying that it was an old app which he just never deleted and he had not messaged a girl since we were together. and i told him that if he did I would rather know now, and I would forgive him, and never talk about it again, but he still lied!!! WTF? I have been nothing but understanding about it all! But i know if he ever found out i went through his phone, hed break up with me. I love him and want to be with him. he calls me his best friend and says how im the one hes been looking for and asked me to move in with him fo rthe summer! we spend all our time when im not working together and even wants his family to meet me. But how can I make this work knowing he can fully lie to my face wihtout hesitation?!?!?! Please help me, I am at a total loss.
Jade

March 26, 2015 at 8:48 pm

Hi there,
I was looking for some advice around a ‘lie’ my boyfriend has told me, I would like to add we have been friends for a couple of years before dating. We went for some dinner the other night and he mentioned holidays later in the year. Now this is strange because he’s not really a planner – he will call on a Friday to see me on a Saturday. Holidays take planning and booking. Anyway he was talking about where he has been previously – he said he had been to France to watch the world cup with his friend from college however I specifically remember a conversation we started being friends and he had actually gone on holiday with his ex girlfriend to France.
We haven’t really discussed exes or past relationships so I’m not sure if he didn’t feel it was safe to mention who he went with or if he intentionally didn’t want to tell me who he had been on holiday with?
What Is your thoughts and would you advise bringing It up with him?
Vee

March 4, 2015 at 9:07 am

The reason why I came to this article is because I was curious about my ex’s reasoning for lying the way he did to me, but this answered none of my questions.
All in all, I don’t miss him at all and I swear I will find him and punch him if I so much a get a message over Facebook from him because of how little his regard was for me when we were together.
As far as I can tell, he did not cheat, but the lie that caused us to break up was that there was another girl at his school (we went to different high schools after middle school, we stayed friends for a couple years after we went to our desperate schools and didn’t start dating until junior year) who wanted to commit suicide over him and so he wanted to date both of us.
Naturally, I didn’t want to share. Why should I share my boyfriend with some girl I didn’t even know? I was younger and stupider than I am now and I thought I was in love and I gave him more than enough time to fix the situation, but he never did, even though he knew how much he was hurting me over it.
After I broke up with him about a week or two after he told me about her, it turned out she didn’t even exist. He believed his own lie so much, he even went through the trouble of getting angry and yelling at me when I got angry and called his fictional girl a whore.
To top it off, he was sending texts of how he would attempt suicide to me everyday as threats if I didn’t take him back.
Why would he go through all that, and then act so upset when he got his just desserts, over someone who wasn’t even real?
I don’t believe that this lie fit any of these reasons in this article and I’m so confused as to why he would go through all the trouble of doing this. Especially since I told him for DAYS that if he didn’t choose between me or her then I would choose for him.
I know I did the right thing, but, really… what the absolute hell was going on? This was YEARS ago and I STILL cannot wrap my brain around it.

admin

March 7, 2015 at 4:42 pm

If he is sending those texts it is most likely to get attention from you.

anonymous

February 22, 2015 at 10:31 am

My ex bf nearly destroyed me. He lied about women drugs online porn and his family life. If only I had known this before moving in with him. have no contact anymore, as he is poison. I know he lied about his feeling towards me as well, he even asked me to marry him and have children! Im lucky enough to have trust my instincts and snop about.his emails and belongings to find out the truth. but it has left me frightened of men. I am a pretty girl and I know i can walk into a room and men will stare which makes me feel so uncomfortable, There was one time I enjoyed the attention but now it makes me so frightened and insecure. The lies killed something in me and I have to work on rebuilding myself because of him. I left and he jumps into another relationship in an instant. But me I struggle with even saying hello to another man now. Maybe I was just very unlucky as I am sure he mentally has problems. And maybe im frightened now of guys because he frightened me so much. Now that hes gone from my life the lies still stick with me. As he never showed me remorse just showed hatred and self pity and he was always pissed off when I caught him out. It comes down to more than just lies its the emotional abuse that comes with it that can destroy lives. He nearly destroyed me, nearly, life has improved alot wothout him but I feel damage has been done when it comes to the opposite sex

admin

February 22, 2015 at 5:34 pm

Well, do you want him back or are you just looking to heal?

kanary

February 18, 2015 at 2:05 am

When we first started dating, he cheated on me. A year later, i found a text to this girl he use to talk to saying that he loved her. She called him once and when i picked up, she hung up. 4 years later, i found him in another car with a girl — he told me she was just giving him a ride to his car. I found that he deleted text messages from other girls — especially this one girl from school that he confided in. When we broke up he took her out to lunch. 3 years later, i saw text messages to other girls and how he found them attractive and he told me it was all for fun. He talks to his coworkers about this girl he met during his company party and told him how pretty she is. He lied to me about an all boys vegas trip — it was coed. (i never met any of his coworkers before) Then i found another text to his friends about another coworker.

How do i cope with this? I became uncomfortable with him talking to other girls because i fear that he will cheat. But what he’s doing hurts me to. Is it normal for guys to do this? He is also friendly by nature and enjoys talking to a lot of people.

During all this i became depressed and gained weight. Currently in the process of working on myself since he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Together for 11, married for 6.

admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:45 pm

How old is he?

He sounds like some stupid college kid playing all these girls.

You need to get yourself back on track.

Try NC and work on yourself during this time.

Leah

January 29, 2015 at 6:12 pm

My ex and I dated for 2 years until August 2014. He started a new relationship right away…and since then he has been going back and forth with me and her up until last weekend. We were “working” on our relationship until I saw a picture of the together just this past Sunday. I confronted him and he continuously lied about being with her. Then on Monday, he wanted to do couples therapy and kept texting me that he won’t ever leave me alone and we will be together forever. I took screen shots of our conversation and showed his new GF on Monday. She was very calm and cooperative, but she did confront him and he got very angry at me. He ended up blocking me, and his new girlfriend stayed with him and she thanked me and said “he won’t bother me anymore”. Him and I have never gone more than 6 days without one of us contacting each other. Obviously, he just jumps back and forth between us when he isn’t getting emotionally filled with one of us. He lied to me about getting her a xmas present too which hurt me. Do you think they are still a rebound or is it real? Does he really hate me? Why would he say we would be together and work on our relationship if he is with her?

admin

January 30, 2015 at 3:56 pm

How long have they been dating total?

You might want to take a look at my rebound page.
Leah

January 30, 2015 at 8:37 pm

Well apparently since September. But he broke up with her in October to be with me. We tried again for a month in late October/November. Then went back to her after a big fight. Then a week later we cheated on her and he broke up with her on New Years Eve to spend it with me, so we could have a fresh start. Didn’t work because I just didn’t trust him…and now he is officially back with her since Sunday. So he’s been bouncing between me and her, but always breaking up with her when I come back in the picture. (Unless he’s been lying to me about not being with her which is EXTREMELY possible.)
Leah

January 30, 2015 at 8:38 pm

I guess in total they would have been together for about 2-3 months in total without all the breaks (of me and him together).

Mary

January 26, 2015 at 2:57 pm

Hi Chris!
My bf and i broke up 5months ago. I did the 30 days NC and he seems very happy with my contact after that. that was 2 months ago and i guess i was too agressive and end up in the friend zone, but i needed some answers so i ask him last week if there is any chance for us to get together again, and he said there isn’t, that we are two different people now and that he doessn’t want to live that horrible moment when he broke up with me (that he made me soffer and i cried a lot). So ok for me… i need it to ear that, but now i know for a fact that he is talking whit some girl (because i enter his facebook page), but he asked for her number and now they’re talking via whatsapp,and i know when the two are online(yes im being kind a stalker and im not very proud of that). I ask him dirrectly if he is talking with someone and he said no.. and i know that he steels cares about me because it was a simple broke up, none of us cheat it or nothing like that. And we have been together , just friends and i know that he wants to be with me. But why he lies to me? He knows that i love him and that it would help me to forget him if i knew that he is already htaving conversations with some other girl. If he is just so well with the decision he made why lie to me About that? My friends say that he steels wants me in a shelf in case he wants me back.
I told him that im going to live the country shearching for a job.. is there any chance that is saying that is really over t to not be responsible to stop my life because of him?(he always felt like he was when we were dating because i was always unemployed or jumping jobs.

Sorry my english.

I’d like very much to have your honesty opinion, no matter how bad it is for me.

Thanks. Mary

admin

January 27, 2015 at 2:09 pm

Define too aggressive.
Mary

January 27, 2015 at 4:41 pm

I start texting him daily and all day almost every day. sometimes it was I who took the initiative and sometimes he was. but mostly I .. and it was me who invite him for a dinner. I guess agressive its a strong word is this case. I didn’t do anything that i regret or that I be ashamed.

Thanks for your response Chris! 🙂
admin

January 28, 2015 at 3:12 pm

All day every day huh.

But he was responsive correct?
Mary

January 28, 2015 at 8:24 pm

Yes chris. He was.. and he steel is.. its a normal conversation between two people .. not just me! We text each other during the day. 🙂
and he says that he likes to be with me and he steel cares about me a lot. I think he has a guilty conscience too.

Yesterday i saw him with another girl, after he texted me that he was working. He lied to me. And then i confront him and he told me that he does not owe me explanations, but it is only for company and nothing more nor in the future.bullshit right? Why he lie to me if it was only a friend?

before this happened he told me that he does not think about girls and he lost his sexual appetite since he broke up with me.. and i don’t know what to believe anymore. 🙁
Mary

January 30, 2015 at 12:15 pm

hi Chris. yesterday my ex told me that he was going bowling with some friends today. and i asked him if i could come.he said yes and told me that the other girl was coming too. and i said that if she’s just a friend that’s fine by me but if she was something more that will be awkward for all of us. he said “ok then” and now we are going bowling.
but i was bluffin. i don’t know if i should go. lol.

tell me your opinion about everything.
maybe i should go
maybe i should make 30 days NC again.
is lying to me about dating this girl?
have i any chance to win him back?

thanks Chris.
Mary

March 2, 2015 at 1:50 pm

Hi chris.

I’m dating someone new.but i’m certain that is a rebound..anyway, my ex was talking to me almost every day and i wasn’t confortable So I told my ex that I’m dating another person to see if he walked away without me having to say directly to him to do it, because i dont want to hurt his feelings. but he has not. quite the contrary. my ex is more on top of me. send me messages every day. and I dont understand why or what he intends. Help please! What should i do?

I’M steel in love with my ex. I rather be with my ex than this new guy. But i have to start moving on with my life.

dianna snelling

January 24, 2015 at 1:25 am

Hi my name is dianna and I love your website I am currently back in a relationship were the trust has already been broken 2 times now but the issue is not another girl its prostitutes he is going on craigslist and soliciting them and picking them up in his car he has a serious problem but I love him and care for him alot as a person I was celebant when i met him because i had issues of my own with men and been cheated on a lot in my past But I am beautiful and don’t understand it but reading your website mad me understand that some men have insecurities about having a beautiful women especially if their friends think they are beautiful because they are afraid they will lose there friend and girlfriend!! but I just think my boyfriend is a Beautiful liar and he is GOOD AT manipulating me to trust him but I followed my gut and I caught him the second time the first time he told me because he got in trouble for the act of soliciting a prostitute. but this to me is cheating what should I do???

admin

January 26, 2015 at 2:47 pm

Are you sure you want him back?

I mean, soliciting a prostitute is pretty bad…

Nicole

January 22, 2015 at 6:59 am

Hi Chris,
I just broke up with my Italian bf of 1 year less a week ago( or let’s say I simply ran away after discovering those unbearable truths), now it’s like an endless mess and I hope you could give me some ideas. I trusted him a lot until I found out things went wrong…..

To begin with, I just found out few months ago that he didn’t get over his ex whom he had the first serious relationship with and broke up for 2 years. He kept in touch with her often and didn’t tell her that he has been stayed with me for 1 year until she found out. Here’s the first lie that he tried to convince me she was only his friend or maybe he also lied to himself( He took the flight to the UK to take care of her for few days after 2 years breakup and told her things like:” I only came for you to show you that I can’t live without you.”, at the same time it’s true that he told her he loves her as a family. And also sent gifts for her that he never did for me. Quite conflicted, isn’t it?)

Secondly, I found out that he used many condoms during the period I wasn’t with him after returning to Italy again, when I asked him, he answered:” I don’t remember, maybe last time we used it….”, yet after I left and he realized how serious I got hurt, he suddenly recalled his memory:”I hosted my friends for many times and I gave them the condoms.”

The last but not least, he had been used Couchsurfing website to host women from all over the world which I didn’t mind and trusted his reason that he feels weird to host male strangers. But then I discovered that he offered massage and of course…..for a woman from Argentina a long time ago, and even told her the date I was leaving at that moment, kept asking her to come back during the period that I wasn’t there.(I didn’t want to find out more so I’m not sure whom are the rest he slept with.) Guess what? He said he lied to her, and he still said he only wants to stay with me. This is just so ridiculous!

I was already thinking of forgiving him and just left him peacefully, but he is acting like he got hurt as well. He said sorry about doing stupid things but also denied that he cheated on me. What kind of mindset is this exactly?! Especially now I’m far away from him again, he never comes to visit me so I believe he wouldn’t come anyway( well, also another one he wrote me:” If I knew your intention was to leave me, I would PROBABLY book the same way ticket with you.”)

I really don’t understand it, cuz I’ve never cheated on him or hurt him with lies like he does to me. Is this mindset just the same like you wrote or with different agenda? Do you think it’s possible for a person to quit his addiction of lies and cheating?
Thanks.

admin

January 22, 2015 at 5:05 pm

I believe this mindset is called denial lol.

France Mckay

January 9, 2015 at 3:21 am

Hi chris,
Im separated with my ex husband and still in love with my ex bf before my ex husband. We are currently chatting as of the time being talking about his wife who cheated on him. He now confides in me by chatting online. Im trying to be a friend to him but i know deep inside me that i still love him and nothing has changed. We separated because he cheated on me and he feels like it was bad karma…. please help… I need advise… what should I do? If Dont chat with him it would mean something else…. And if I chat with him and give him advises Im hurting myself…. I dont want to get hurt anymore. I’ve been to 2 relationships and both ended the wrong way… they both left me… I need enlightenment.

admin

January 19, 2015 at 3:28 pm

Quesiton, are you going after your husband or your ex boyfrined?

mickie

July 15, 2014 at 12:01 am

Hi guru,

I really need your help in this one. My boyfriend and I cohabitated for 1.5 years tgt but because we cohabitated, 1.5 years brought us really really close. I always felt he was the right one and we always talk about our future tgt because we wanted to be committed and settle down.

He is much more matured than me it seems so he was willing to see me grow and I try my best to do so. Just last month, he went overseas and he had very good bonding with his team. I angered him over a text message about a girl in his team and he wanted to break up with me. When he got back, I realise he has been texting the girl. I don’t know for how long they have been texting but he is texting her about “settling me”.

He told my mutual friend that this new girl is his right one one week after we broke up. But his reasons for me is that we are not suitable. He observed my behavior for a period of time and he felt it’s not working out. He said every time I ask if things are okay, he always just lie and said it’s okay for the sake of it. What do you think about the situation? :/

He initiated convo with me. Initially I replied. Now we aren’t talking much even if we are, I reply quite aloof replies.i don’t know how to get from here.

admin

July 15, 2014 at 3:18 pm

Just Chris not guru.

What was your text message to him about the girl like?

Sam

June 20, 2014 at 3:58 pm

My ex and my ex and I recently broke up. We were together a month the first time, got back together 7 months later, and lasted a year. We broke you because he needed to be alone. Two weeks later, he came over to drop something off and we talked. He told me he wasn’t dating. 3 days later, he randomly shows up at my house saying he wants to talk. He told me he lied, that he dis date another girl while we were broke up, but he was miserable with her and wanted me! So everything works out and we we Got back together. Onky for two and a half weeks, when he says he is unhappy and cant stay happy. 4 days after the breakup, i hear he has a girlfriend. When he came over to pick up things, we talkes. I asked him if he was dating, he said no. But turns out he is, because he texted me with her name as his signature. I know he only lies to protect my feelings, but its hurts! When he came over he laughed and joked and talked like nothing happened. He said he dont know if its the end of us or not. Plus he hugged me a good 8-10 times. He said we would start talking more. But i dont understand. He told me so many negative things about the girl he is dating. ( the girl is the same girl he dated when he broke up from the year). I really want him back. But i dont know! Help
JB

June 18, 2014 at 3:08 am

My boyfriend recently dumped me, basically out of the blue. Saying he wasn’t sure about wanting a serious relationship right now. The whole situation didn’t sit well with me, as I’ve been cheated on in the past, things felt eerily similar. So I snooped on his email, and found out he has been hanging out with another woman, but she is married with kids, etc. I don’t think he cheated on me with her, but he blatantly was hiding the fact that he was hanging out with her. I told him immediately that I snooped and was sorry but confronted him about her and being lied to. I would like to be able to continue with a relationship with him as I do love him and do trust him, I just feel like he might have lied to save some face? But I don’t know for sure. I decided I should probably quit talking to him. But, I don’t know what to do to fix or salvage any possibility of a relationship in the future? Any advice?

admin

June 18, 2014 at 1:47 pm

So, he hid the fact that he was hanging out with her?

Hmm… thats not too cool 🙁
JB

June 19, 2014 at 4:34 am

Yeah he did. I’m very perplexed as she is married, has kids, lives in a different state and is 18 years older than him. At this point I just decided that I should quit talking with him but not sure what I should do :/

Kat

April 16, 2014 at 4:26 am

Literally loving your site!
I’m in the process of trying to get my boyfriend back and funnily enough by my own accord, actually set in place your advice which makes me proud. Basically, we got into a huge fight the night before his birthday, after a month of fighting here and there because I felt like he was losing interest. We didn’t technically break up for over a month and then he finally sent some pretty shitty texts and told me it was over and i’d never see him again. Funnily enough I actually initiated NC, and didn’t talk to him, went out with friends that weekend and happened to be tagged in a club photo. 5 days later he sent me a HUGE apology text, telling me he still loved me etc. etc. and that he wanted to see me. Told him I wasn’t strong enough to see him just yet, but we’ve been talking everyday since (like old times) but now he’s suddenly stopped talking to me out of no where, like literally just stopped replying mid-conversation… during the interim period he did lie about a few things like being on tinder and random sluts he was snap chatting etc. which is making me nervous..
Anyway i’m Just looking for a guy’s perspective because i’m so confused as to how things can seem so good and happy, even if we were just acting like friends, to suddenly not replying/texting at all? I’m worried he’s lying/hiding something that he did on the weekend, but i don’t want to confront him and him think i’m a psycho :/

Thanks Chris

admin

April 16, 2014 at 4:23 pm

Hmm… are you aware if there are any other girls he is talking to?
Kat

April 24, 2014 at 12:37 pm

I have absolutely no idea, there’s a very high possibility that he’s talking to heaps of girls but I know nothing for certain because I haven’t had the heart to ask him

Actually found out from one of his friends the other day that he hasn’t told them he apologised to me or that he’s been speaking to me (because this friend told me that he didn’t think we’d get back together), which I find really weird.

Apparently according to said friend, he seems really happy and doesn’t talk about me at all anymore or anything and is full on acting like a boys boy checking out girls etc. etc.

Is this all a sign that i should just stop trying?
admin

April 24, 2014 at 4:12 pm

Why do you say there is a high possibility?
Kat

April 26, 2014 at 9:05 am

He’s always had heaps of female friends and ever since we ‘broke up’ he’s been going out A LOT so I’m just assuming that since he’s single and acting like I don’t exist to his friends that he’s most probably talking to girls

Kazzie

March 1, 2014 at 11:48 am

Hi Chris,

I needed some quick advice. Things were going well for me after 30 days NC and using some of your text msg ideas I started talking to my ex every couple of days on the phone having lots of laughs and ending on an emotional high.

I asked him to catch up for coffee and it got a bit weird so I ended the call nicely like you suggested.

I asked again a little later and gently pressed ‘why? its only coffee’. He said ‘we broke up i don’t think its a good idea’ I said I respect your decision.

He then said ‘but we can still talk and keep in contact though?’ (he seemed anxious that i might cut him off). He also said though, that he still believes in his reason for breaking up (not wanting to settle down-we were together 4yrs) and is not wanting to get back together. Its a bullshit excuse I know that he is just really immature (31 me 34).

Am I being friendzoned? I think he’s scared if he sees me he will realise he does still love me. What should I do? So far your guides have been great and helped me get to this point which if you knew is amazing progress i’m just not sure which guide to go to next?

It has been 2 months since we broke up. I feel like I have done all this growing and changing but he has just gotten on with working and his life part of me can’t help but feel its a little unfair he gets this new me and I get …….

admin

March 2, 2014 at 7:23 pm

Keep trying to see him. Be persistent but don’t be overbearing.
Kazzie

March 3, 2014 at 1:28 am

Thanks for the reply Chris. Im trying hard to stay relaxed about it. I did ask him in a text this morning if he was still happy that we broke up and he said that he was. Im not too sure what to do next. Is there anything I can text back or should I go NC again? Im pretty sure he still loves me but he is the ‘stubborn’ guy you talk about. Do you think he is going to be too stubborn? Any advice would be a great help.
admin

March 3, 2014 at 6:28 pm

He probably will be stubborn but even stubborn ppl break eventually.
Kazzie

March 5, 2014 at 8:03 am

Well guess who just rang ME and suggested we should catch up for a coffee?!? My ex. I was very surprised but acted very calm and said that it would be really great to catch up. Its just like you said Chris I kept my emotions in check even after the first failed attempts. I don’t text him or call him everyday I let him know I can go do my own thing too but when we do talk I am always happy, I find something interesting to say and I throw in something I admire about him but only if it fits I don’t force it. I feel like he is starting to chase me a bit more so i’m popping over to your other guide now on how to make your ex chase you again im sure theres something i can use in there.
For others reading who might need a light at the end of the tunnel:
We
*dated 4 years
*lived together 12months
*broke up at christmas
*said he wasn’t ready for committment
I
*begged, pleaded was all things pathetic for couple days after
*found this site went straight inho NC for 30 days
*followed all of Chris’ steps from then on
*now i have a date with my ex anx he calls me out of the blue.

Sophia

February 28, 2014 at 7:03 am

Hi Chris,
This will unfortunately be my last question for you…
RECAP- dated man for about 14 months, I was first long term relationship after his divorce, we are both in our 40’s and I thought he was someone I should have met in my 20’s. Really loved him. He told me in late 12/13 that he just wanted to be friends and did not give me a solid reason. Before I saw your site I texted him about how we are good etc (before NC I stopped by unannounced and saw unfamiliar car in his driveway- he looked like cat who swallowed canary), then I found your site, implemented NC and waited, he did not contact me, long story short your texting advice was working until I got to the jealousy one and no response, so broke your rule and called him……..You haven’t covered this topic yet….he cheated on me and is still dating her (car in driveway was her). Just found this out 2 days ago, sent him email saying what I thought of him and wished him well in his life. I know BAD. Haven’t heard from him at all, no apology, nothing. He just told me it was “different” with her. So is she a rebound? And why don’t men come clean when they are caught? You are great, your website is great, but in the end some men just want the bigger better….THANK you!
BTW this is the first time I have ever been cheated on and it does stink (funny thing is his ex-wife cheated on him, so maybe he was acting that out on me? Freudian? Who knows)

admin

February 28, 2014 at 11:02 pm

I am so sorry you got cheated on 🙁 .

Really I am.

I am going to say something to you that may shock you (coming from an “ex bf” expert.)

I don’t think you should get him back. I don’t think you deserve to be cheated on. I don’t think you deserve to be lied to. Heck, I don’t think you deserve to be hurt by such an immature boy. It’s funny, I am in my 20’s and I can tell you I am MUCH more mature than this 40 year old child is.

He cheated on you… I know it hurts. But you know what.

It was the best thing that has ever happened to you. You just got a glimpse of what type of man he really is. You are in your 40’s. That means every single second when it comes to dating for you matters. And this guy just wasted your time. So, it is a blessing that the two of you broke up.

I know it hurts but in the end you will look back and say “THANK GOD” I am not with him anymore.

You deserve the type of man that will treat you like a queen.

dazedandconfused

February 15, 2014 at 10:59 am

Hey Chris, I need your help as relationship guru please!
My relationship with my very good friend/lover/bf/etc had change from sexual to platonic because of external circumstances beyond our control but we stayed in frequent contact. These circumstances then changed but he didn’t tell me. When I asked if the situation had changed he realised that I had guessed, panicked and denied the situation had changed but then apologised to me sincerely the next day. I accepted his apology unconditionally & tried to reassure him that my high opinion of him hadn’t changed but he now seems distant and subdued.
I’m sure he feels guilty, that he’s let me down and that he’s shown me a side of his character he’d rather I hadn’t seen, for a start.
I’ve tried to show him that I forgive him and understand. I think he probably needs some space but also support. Given the limited information, would you say this is an accurate take on the situation?
Do you think that by giving him a bit of space but staying in contact (a weekly friendly but no pressure text for instance) am I doing the right thing to start to get things back to normal or would you recommend a different tactic? Please help!

admin

February 15, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Yes I think giving him space is smart.
dazedandconfused

February 26, 2014 at 3:47 am

So here’s a little update:
He’s now said he can’t talk, which wasn’t wholly unexpected. It kills me but I think the only thing I can do is let him deal with what he needs to work through, go nc and see how it goes. I’m dealing with my own stuff besides this anyway and time is probably the best thing for both of us. What do you think?
dazedandconfused

February 17, 2014 at 12:57 am

Thanks so much for your reply Chris, space it is and just wait and see :/

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