By Chris Seiter

Published on April 20th, 2022

Today we’re going to talk about the specific situations where it’s ok for a dumpee to break the no contact rule prematurely.

This has always been a hotly debated topic without our community so my goal here is to bring specificity to it.

Below are the following situations where you can break no contact as the dumpee,

  1. You are in a limited no contact rule
  2. A legitimate emergency occurs
  3. An ex wants to rekindle things
  4. The item exchange

That doesn’t seem like a lot of leeway, does it?

Well, additionally I’d like to point out that all of our research indicates it’s really not in your best interest to break no contact early.

Let’s talk about that first, before I talk through the situations where it’s ok for you to prematurely break no contact.

Let’s begin.

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All Evidence Points To Not Breaking No Contact Prematurely

About four days ago, someone within our private facebook support group left the following question,

“Ok, not looking for a fight just an answer. Many of the break up coaches out there say to respond if they reach out during no contact. Our group is opposed to any contact. Is this evidence based? What is the percentage of efficiency in actually getting success?”

Very quickly it spawned an interesting debate in the comments with many of our clients saying something along the lines of,

The program is based on psychological principles and success stories but there have been no evidence based studies from outside reputable sources conducted. I understand the “Why of NC” (Emotional Control, fear of loss, letting negative feelings subside, etc.) But in my opinion, limited no contact is proof you don’t have to completely ignore them in order for the program to work. The problem happens when people get in their own way and hyper focus on no contact or finding ways around it that they lose emotional control and don’t take the time to actually work on themselves.

In my personal opinion, this commenter nails it but allow me to expand on what we do know about breaking the no contact rule early.

Each Time You “Fail” A No Contact Rule It Loses Effectiveness

Take a look at this graphic,

We often find many of our clients get caught in this loop with no contact. In other words, they miss the entire point with no contact and feed into their own anxious behaviors which causes them to constantly go in and out of no contact.

And each time they have to restart a no contact rule it loses a bit of effectiveness on a number of different levels.

From a psychological reactance level and from an emotional control level.

90% Of Our Success Stories Have Utilized No Contact

Now, that doesn’t mean they used it correctly. Some of them broke it prematurely (for good reason.) Some of them hyper focused on their exes a little too much.

However, the vast majority of our clients who successfully won their exes back have implemented a no contact rule.

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If you don’t believe me look no further than our success story page.

Most People Miss The Real Point Of No Contact

I feel like I’ve talked about this so much that it makes people roll their eyes but here I am about to do it again.

In 2020 I started posting a lot of success stories to our podcast and YouTube channel.

One of the things that I really wanted to see is what separated successful “get your ex back” campaigns from unsuccessful ones.

Turns out it’s all about how successful people used their time apart during the no contact rule.

  • Successful People = Used their time to outgrow their ex.

  • Unsuccessful People = Used their time to obsess about their ex.

We know that most of our clients are prone to anxious behaviors while their exes are prone to avoidant behaviors. This means that by implementing a no contact rule the anxious person is actually giving the avoidant person space to miss them.

So, weirdly by constantly breaking the no contact rule prematurely the anxious person feeds their own addictive behaviors and just indicates to their avoidant ex that engaging in a conversation with them will be an emotional experience.

Of course, there are a handful of situations where it is ok to break no contact prematurely.

What are those situations?

Situation #1: You Are In A Limited No Contact

The limited no contact rule is technically a no contact rule where you are forced to communicate with your ex based on circumstance.

So, what are some of those circumstances? Well, the common theme is that you are in a circumstance where you can’t ignore them.

  • You work together
  • You live together
  • You share a child together

Our protocol for handling these interactions is pretty simple.

You keep business about business. You keep living convos to a minimum You keep child talk about child talk

All the other time you are ignore them like a normal no contact rule.

But I struggled with including a limited no contact rule on this list because technically it’s a technicality.

The next situations are far more abnormal.

Situation #2: A Legitimate Emergency Occurs

I’m going to use an extreme made up example to illustrate this point.

Let’s say that you and your ex have been broken up with for two weeks. You’ve implemented the no contact rule for that two weeks.

All of a sudden they are blowing up your phone leaving voicemails.

Sending pictures.

Something has happened. They are in trouble. Still, you are in no contact so you aren’t allowed to intervene. It’s their problem not yours.

As it turns out your shared dog is having a seizure and needs to be taken to the emergency vet right away.

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In life or death situations you should definitely break no contact to attend to the problem at hand.

Legitimate emergencies are ok to break no contact with the key term there being emergency.

It has to be pretty extreme for you to break no contact and assuming you aren’t in a limited version of it you still have to restart it after you break it to handle said emergency.

Situation #3: Your Ex Wants To Rekindle Things

I’ve made a few errors in the past on this website. Perhaps none greater than the “positive reach-out fiasco.”

This is still something I’m having to change in our materials so it’s technically not over but I bring it up to say that your ex reaching out to you with positive messages during no contact alone isn’t enough to break no contact.

At best, if they reach out with a lot of positive reach out attempts that means you can lower your no contact period time frame to 21 days.

That’s it.

The one exception to that rule is unless your ex explicitly states that they want to rekindle things with you.

It’s a rarity but it does happen.

In that case you are allowed to break no contact assuming that was the goal of your no contact.

If you wanted to move on from your ex you are better off just not responding.

If you wanted to get your ex back then break no contact and rekindle things.

But again, they have to explicitly state that they want to get back together with you for this to work.

Situation #4: The Item Exchange

The one rule where we are ok with you breaking a no contact rule is the item exchange.

Over the course of the relationship the two of you are bound to collect items.

Sometimes those items are important enough and worth breaking no contact for.

A shirt you left behind is not. A toothbrush you left behind is not. A book you left behind is not.

Probably the best example I’ve personally encountered of an item important enough to break no contact for is documentation revolving around legal status in a country.

If you leave something like that behind at an exes house then definitely it’s worth breaking no contact.

Of course, on the other side of the equation if your ex is reaching out to you for an item exchange then you hand is kind of forced.

I recommend watching this video for what to do during that interaction,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Remember, it’s all about the importance of the item. The more important the item the more likely it is you’ll have to break no contact.

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1 thought on “When To Break No Contact As The Dumpee”

  1. Raquel

    May 3, 2022 at 1:24 am

    My ex and I broke up 6 days ago, pretty angry at each other. We both know that we love each other but have been fighting for months, due to a lack of effort, probably on both ends.
    Since the angry breakup we have not said 1 word to each other: I am happy to wait it out, as the anger has started to subside and I am beginning to accept. However my ex is stubborn. Basically since I’ve calmed down I’ve finally been able to put together a message that genuinely explains my thought process on all of this. I’ve posted it below and would love for you to tell me if you think I should send it to him or just leave the whole situation alone. Ps I know that my ex misses me just as much as I miss him,

    I wanted to message you and apologize for some of what I said to you. Majority of it was out of anger and hopelessness. Words that were said to get a response – good or bad.
    I want you to know that I am not entertaining anyone, especially so soon.
    Me jumping on Tinder was just a poorly thought out resort to repairing my ego.
    I love you and that isn’t changing but we cannot be together if nothing can change.
    I’ve expressed how I felt multiple times and I just really believe you’ve stopped putting in the effort and words of affirmation that I clearly needed from you. I started feeling a lack of thoughtfulness and support among other things. I hope you can understand that I never asked the world of you and I am not always an angel.
    I don’t want you to feel like everything that went wrong falls solely on you.
    I believe that people put the effort into who they believe are worthy of it.
    I also believe this time apart will do us good but I will always be here when and if you’re ready to talk.