Here's What To Do If Your Ex Contacts You During No Contact

186 thoughts on “What To Do When Your Ex Contacts You During No Contact”

Coral

October 21, 2020 at 4:29 pm

Hi Shaunna… Hru? thanks so much for taking the time to support me and countless other bleeding hearts. Thank you! I am beside myself.. I met my man right before covid started in nyc. I ended up losing my best friend my dog and countless other people during the time that I was bonding with him as well as still trying to manage my little bar and restaurant despite the pandemic. I am near to surrendering my space and am also a single mom w ZERO outside support. This man was my rock and we were unseparable since the day we met. I trusted as he did that we’d never leave each other’s side . We went everywhere together. When I met him he was still married (7yrs) to a woman that he has since divorced however she still lived in their home up until recently (she went back to uk on Friday) but after he asked for a divorce he moved in with me. Also with my help he recently discovered he also has a 13yo child from a fling in his past. I am in full support of him being in his child’s life.. I wasn’t concerned about the woman until he reached out to her. He said ” hey you” and she responded “hey pumpkinhead”. At that point I asked him if they had a more recent history. He lied and said they hadn’t but when I asked to see their messages, up until a few month before he met me, he was making advances at her. I didn’t understand why he lied. He’s told me about every chick he’s ever been with why had I never heard about her? Why had he been conveniently oblivious to this child? Didn’t he SEE that this little boy was his twin? The woman raised him w two different men.lettinv each think they were the father. Anyway I guess she had told my man that the baby resembled him 12 years ago (although she had already told another man it was his) and he went for a paternity test and she didn’t show up so he dropped it but they didn’t drop their sexual energy towards each other apparently. I don’t know.. the conversations I did see were in December of 2019. Idk if he’d deleted more recent activity and how far it went back.. We got together in late February early March. Anyways we were kind of rude to each other that day I saw their convos ( kissy faces and what not) and he called me and said if I wanted him to move out? I was surprised he took it there so I was like if you feel like that’s best and he flipped out and said I was kicking him out I told him that that is not what I said but he insisted he was going to pack his things. I called him a “p#$$y” He ended up going by our house dropping off the keys but going out again. Turns out he ended up going and spending the night at his ex-wife’s house while she was still there (although he claims he was at his boys bar until he went there and was in communication w me from that point on). He did text me throughout the night and I did ask him to just pick up the phone if he was alone. He wasn’t able to do so. Verbally texting I was extremely mean. By the morning I was so upset I had told him to just come get his s*** then.. when he showed up he started screaming at me and accusing me of having slept with someone in my past before I met him. So I joked around and said I did. He got scary and started ripping hs clothes out of the closet and hit the walls. I told him he was bugging out that I had never had sexual relations with that person but how was that equivalent or relevant to anything else that was going on. In my mind I really thought he was deflecting because he had slept with his ex wife who was leaving the next day. I was so upset I just kept helping him pack his stuff he broke down and apologized that he loved me and I was amazing and that he didn’t want this but I was already so upset and I kept beating him up with my words. Although I never addressed our sex life or wanting to be with other men I did demasculize him by calling him names. Anyways when I came to my senses and realized I hurt someone I loved like 30m after I said it and helped him pack I tried to call him immediately and ask HIM to hear me out. But he hung up on me. I knew he had gone to his old apt where his x was again. He had always told me that they had no sexual energy in the past 4 years. He married her to help her get her card but that the to.ance died quick. But recently he hadn’t wanted me going in public settings with my male friends. he was starting to get a little possessive over me before I started to feel like I should question him (I feel like)… so I got angry again and went to their house and asked the ex-wife if they had had any sexual relations I also told her that we had been living together. And that we had been together for 7 months ( which would mean before the divorce). (I was under the impression that he wanted to tell her he was in love with someone else at one point but I suggested he not. ) I needed to hear the truth because I was so confused by his actions. I thought he’d deceived me. She said nothing happened. We fought viciously via text after that for a day or two then he came by my house drunk in the middle of the night but I didn’t wake up.. I regret going there I regret all the terrible things I said. I don’t understand why blowing his cover is more important than his new relationship. He had cheated on her I guess for many years before he met me. Still I feel terrible I should have trusted the man that I gave my heart to. He told me I violated him and I asked for his forgiveness but he says he did nothing wrong and that he was w his friend until he went to his old place and started texting me. I don’t know what to do without him. I have a son and he was very good to my son as well. my kid is heartbroken. My son made friends through his friends kids and he won’t put them in touch. He stopped responding to texts. It’s been two days since he cAme by drunk and stopped responding to texts. he won’t speak to me and is slandering my name and reaching out to my old friends that I had falling outs with for disrespecting him. Is it over. I haven’t tried to reach him for two days either. I can’t handle this loss. I can’t handle my son hurting too… Hes never had a dad or even a prospective dad.. he’s 12 too. I can’t handle that he would turn his back on us
Kalli

October 19, 2020 at 3:28 am

We recently broke up (first break up) and he has said he needs time, but mentioned that we have a chance. I was controlling in the relationship which is why we broke up. I just started no contact yesterday. I feel like he is going to reach out to me during the no contact period because he mentioned how he still wanted to talk to see if we could have positive conversations/he could re-strengthen feelings through talking to me. I don’t know if I should do no contact or if I should just respond concisely if he does reach out? I feel weary of doing no contact because he did say that I rarely asked about him/could have positive conversations with him during the relationship and I fear by not having them it will only reinforce his decision to break up.
D

October 17, 2020 at 9:02 pm

Hey! We’ve been broken up for a week after nearly 3 years together and it was a fairly emotional break up – he said he needed space and that he couldn’t concentrate on himself and the relationship at the same time. He keeps messaging to see if i’m okay. Should I break NC? I’ve been doing it for 5 days so far.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 19, 2020 at 11:21 pm

Hey D, no do not break NC just because he is reaching out to see how you are, you need to stick with it for 30 days minimum

gail shannon

October 12, 2020 at 12:42 am

how long do i have to do nc it has been 2 month he has sent a text asking how i am and telling me he has been a shitty person and i did not respond i have been told at some point i need to answer and let him know i am great some coach told me if i keep rejecting him he wont text again and he is very intimidated by me anyway he has been great boyfriend

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 22, 2020 at 9:04 pm

Hi Gail your no contact should be 30 days as long as you didnt have a terrible break up (lots of begging pleading and gnatting)

Sam

September 9, 2020 at 2:16 pm

My boyfriend and I were only together for 2 months and he broke up with me 6 days ago because we had a couple of arguments and he said he couldn’t handle it. I implemented the NC rule straight away and he has text me today saying he hopes I’m okay and he needs to drop off my dvd and pick up paint that he left at mine. He also asked me why I blocked him on social media (I hadn’t blocked him, I actually just deleted my accounts). I opened the message but didn’t reply and hes now just messaged again saying “hmm.. Maybe that was the plan..” I think he is maybe trying to get a reaction from me but I’m not taking the bait. Is this the right thing to do? Should I reply to him or leave it? Doesn’t seem like a dvd and paint are that important to want to pick up/drop off…? Thanks in advance!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 9, 2020 at 9:37 pm

Hey Sam, you are allowed to reply when it comes to giving items back, however if the paints and DVD are easily replaceable make sure that you avoid answering him until after your No Contact is over. However the fact hes noticed you are off social media / thought you blocked him. Shows he is keeping an eye on you, or at least trying to

Wanda

September 1, 2020 at 1:15 pm

Hello there, i also need advice i broke up with my ex 4 months ago, after 2 months i started applying no contact, she contacted me on day 5 wanting her stuff which she never came to take. We have been communicating quite frequently but im still not getting what i want and today was day 4 of another NC she just called 5 times i felt bad and thought maybe she not okay I responded only for her to tell me she misses me badly and she been stalking my Facebook profile. Should I restart NC , she is not sure about us getting back she loves me but shes going through stuff that involves a late spouse..im so confused

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 6, 2020 at 11:04 am

Hey Wanda, it sounds as if when NC starts working you give in to her. You need to follow a NC and stick with it! Being strong, let her miss you. That’s the point. In the mean time you work on yourself to be the best version of you

Sadhana

August 24, 2020 at 7:40 am

What to do he keeps texting me everyday, this is sixth day of my nc. He tries to contact me through his cousins and friends. I answered his friend, she told me that he felt very bad, and he missed me. I answered to her “it’s alright. I will be talk to him”.does it cause spoil no contact? Will no contact still have impact on him after this event? Will it work?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 5, 2020 at 9:56 pm

Hey there, so speaking to his friends and family is breaking the no contact as you are indirectly speaking to him during your NC. You need to re start and ignore him he is feeling bad – let him! He broke up with you. Focus on yourself and start working on the UG information

Sadhana

August 21, 2020 at 3:06 am

What to do he texting me everyday. This is 3rd day of my no contact. Accidently I was seen his text, But i am not replied him. Does it cause spoil my nc? Will no contact still have impact on him after this event? Will it work?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 27, 2020 at 1:30 pm

Hey Sadhana, this is not going to break your NC if you opened it and didnt reply. Just try to avoid opening it again for the rest of the NC period

D

August 16, 2020 at 12:50 pm

What to do if you were in a week of nc but u had to tell him about doctor’s appointment? Do you continue with NC or start over?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 17, 2020 at 10:19 pm

You would need to start over, unless the appointment concerned his health, or his child there was no need for you to tell him about said appointment

Ayesha Najeeb

August 11, 2020 at 9:05 am

So, there has been certain conflicts in my relationships since the past two months. And as much as i like to address those and the feelings associated with them, my boyfriend just does not like that. He is like its all okay, whenever he is calm again. It made me uncomfortable and he also started hiding things and started lying about that, even after i have told him that i know he has been doing it. I have been needy and I won’t say my actions have been entirely appropriate but i told him that i want to know how he feel when he is ready as trusting has become an issue now with all the lies. He lashed out at me stating old fights and issues i had no idea about and he has never mentioned and said alot of things one thing which was recurring was that he can’t do it anymore and then he blocked me from all of his social media. I didn’t try to call him either since it was clear that he doesn’t want to talk. He texted me after 4 hours if he can call me and i replied by saying if he wants to. I haven’t got any calls or texts since then and neither have I texted.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 11, 2020 at 1:58 pm

Hey Ayesha, I think it sounds as if what ever he is lying about is causing you to not trust him and it is going to break your relationship up. No trust – not healthy for any relationship. I think it sounds as if you do both need a break from each other to be honest if all you are doing is falling out and fighting. Give him some space for 30 days and then try to contact him and build on that if you still want to be with him. Removing your feelings for him look at how he is treating you and consider if this is a person you think you can have a good relationship with

Parvathy

August 3, 2020 at 3:45 pm

Hi Shauna, it was actually a beginning of two different state relationship between us.We have a huge distance between us,but I just fell for him . Initially he was the one who told me that he finds it so comfortable with me and he hasn’t ever felt such deep feelings for any other.But at that time I told him that we shouldn’t be concluding anything so fast and asked him let’s wait for sometime..and in between somewhere I started falling for him..He was just the perfect guy for me.He knew very well to handle with my mood swings and all .But things changed when he started having exams at his college,he had exams every alternate day(used to send me snapshots of announcements) .He is doing MBBS and is a studious kinda person.And I started clinging on to him and everyday I used to argue with him saying why he is not messaging me.It was the first relationship for him and he was always afraid to commit.And when I messed everything up,he told me that he prefer being single and now I am controlling him and he feels like someone is putting pressure on his head and pressing..(the same phrase he used).He told me that we will remain friends,but I need him.Nowadays he messages(WhatsApp) and calls me continuously but I haven’t attended yet.Please help me, what should I do to get him back as mine

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 3, 2020 at 8:06 pm

Hi Parvathy, I would suggest that you start following the rules of No Contact that is explained in the articles, stop reading his messages and definitely do not answer calls let him feel the loss of you this is how you start changing things. If he thinks that you were controlling him then not speaking to him for some time will make him realise that. And then spend your time working on your holy trinity

Leonora

August 1, 2020 at 2:43 am

Hello.. I was broken up with my bf 2 weeks ago. We have been in LDR relationship for 6 months. He said he wanted us to just stay as friend and I decided to do NC after his only reading my long text without reply.
So he is typical guy who doesnt like talking over phone. I had been feeling distant since 1 month before breakup. I thought he might have found another person there. During breakup, he refused to talk directly over phone and never contact nor give me a call after I beg him to communicate honestly over the phone.
After 3 weeks, I posted like stories of me smiling with my friends. He commented “Finally you can smile (with smiley emoticon)”. I only read the text without replying back. The following day (today), he texted me again with random question asking if i went back to my hometown. I havent responded yet. Im still loving him and it has been hurt this past 3 weeks. However I have been trying to move on and divert my mind from him. What should i do with his texting? Should I just continue ignoring him during NC?
Thankyou

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 15, 2020 at 2:43 pm

Hi Leonora, yes you keep ignoring him through your 30 day no contact, even if he does reach out to you you do not reply. Unless he messages you to say he wanted to get back together you do not break

Natalie

July 12, 2020 at 3:29 pm

Good morning
your articles have been very insightful for me and I would like to get advice for my situation since it does not seem like one of those “stereotypical” breakups.

My ex boyfriend and I were friends first and started to go out after half a year.
Everything was great but because of our communication problems when we did have arguments, he started to become more distant by saying “I need time”.
By this, he meant completely not being in touch until he was ready to talk about the fight.
It was so painful that I broke up with him after that happened twice, thought that I cannot stand the pain to wait for him to be ready all the time while all I want to do is talk and solve the issue as soon as possible.

So even though I triggered the break up, it still feels like he is the one who broke up with me.

After that, I sent him an email how truly I feel about him, how much I love him and how much I regret triggering the break up.
but he only said it’s very confusing and not wanting to talk for a while. So he is going No Contact.

I realized that me breaking up with him was an act of defending myself and there was nothing wrong with it.
I did everything I could and now I am also trying to move on/ go No Contact with him.
He still said about the possibility of reconnecting in the future and at least being friends later.

I already muted everything that comes from him on social media so I don’t have to see anything.
It has helped me so much and I feel better and better about myself! revisiting my old hobbies, hanging out with friends, I feel the change in myself little by little.

But I see my ex checking my social media even though he said he needed space.
I am confused about his actions and don’t know what to do.

Should I hide it from him? or Should I do nothing about it?

also, I wonder, does this make sense?
I feel like he broke up with me even though I said that out loud, and he’s the one who wanted no contact first.
Does it work if I go no contact with him too, hopefully for him to talk to me again?

I still miss him and we didn’t break up because we stopped liking one another so I hope that we can reconnect again.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 5, 2020 at 11:33 am

Hey there, do not hide your social media you need to let him see how great you are doing and make him question why you are not sad and missing him. This is the impression you need to give to him! Complete your No Contact working on yourself and then reach out after the 30 days.

Flora

July 5, 2020 at 9:42 pm

I was broken up w/ via text recently, (after 3 years) I had responded w/ a initial (angry) response, but, I’ve been silent ever since. He has “leftover” girlfriend business, apparently they are “friends”, but intuition tells me there’s still something there… he defends it always, and threatens our relationship whenever it comes up. Hence the breakup. I feel there might be something deeper going on as well, something he refuses to look at. Anyway he reached out to check in, and I haven’t responded… Of course I want him to wake the F-up, and deal with his past, but unsure if I should give a very short reply, or no reply at all. BTW, were older, 40’s. He left a b-day gift for my daughter the other day at the door, I never texted him a thank you or anything, as well as no response to the reach out last night…
As far as what I want, well, I’d love to be with him, but the circumstances must change, he has to deal with this ex thing, and address the deeper wound inside him, But for some reason he won’t let go of this ex situation. So here I sit quietly…. lol… I mean I guess I answered my own question NC is the way to go…. What does one do after 30 days of no contact? 24 days to go….Thoughts? Thank You : )

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 7, 2020 at 9:32 pm

Hey Flora at the end of your NC you need to reach out with a text that Chris has suggested in his articles, this is to have a short conversation to break the ice with your ex. Be sure to read and understand before reacting out

Jasmine

July 3, 2020 at 3:27 pm

Me and my ex broken up 2 months ago after a 4 year relationship. And we had a house together. Hes now with another girl. Weve kept in contact to sort out Bill’s and such. I’ve moved into a new house and he texts about the old house Bill’s and slyly asked if I settled into the new one. Do I respond? Or just ignore that text all together?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 4, 2020 at 10:37 pm

Hi Jasmine, it really depends on what you want to achieve, if you want him back then you need to read and follow the being there method, if you want to be friends you can answer him. If you want nothing to do with him then ignore him. If you want to follow the program then you need to have done 45 days of No Contact before you can reply to him

Sam

July 1, 2020 at 3:19 pm

I really need your help, my ex Partner broke up with me 3 weeks ago and took all his belongings. He started to text the next day but I started no contact. He has text and called many times since then. The other day he called from a new number, which I didn’t know it was him and I answered. When I recognised his voice I said I didn’t want to speak to him and I put the phone down. I’ve not answered any calls from that new number or his old number and have been ignoring him since. I would like to know did I break the contact and have to start again?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 1, 2020 at 9:35 pm

Hey Sam, you did not break NC as you didn’t know it was him and ended the conversation sharply so that you didnt have an emotional conversation. If he continues to contact you I would hear him out – but do not accept that he is sorry etc but he thinks it is for best. Do not engage in emotional conversations either.

Lola

June 19, 2020 at 6:56 am

So here is my story. He texted me after 6 days of NC saying this “I hope that we will be able to talk soon with calm head. If you dont want that and you dont care, I will understand.”….We really had a bad fight that lasted almost two weeks of constant shifting of guilt. And it was me that ended things one month ago but we would still talk and send messeges and it was me that started NC 9 days ago. I ended things cause I wasn’t sure what he wanted and I am ashamed of this but I was a bit needy, sending messages first (a lot of them) and he would only reply to one. We were together for 4 years and there were ups and downs, we would break up a lot but would send constant message and it never looked like a real break up. He said I was his soulmate, but in all 4 years all I had from him was his words not actions, I was always the one to initiate something first. I think I just want him to show how much he cares for me cause he never did, it was always me giving 100%. I still love him and want him back. One more thing: we work together so we see each other sometimes,and I dont say hello anymore. How soon should I reply on his message? I am gonna lose him, cause he said if i dont care he will understand. It’s been two days after his message, what should I do? Thanks in advance for help.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 18, 2020 at 12:04 am

Hey Lola, while in work you need to follow a limted no contact where you only speak with him for professional reasons but not for general conversation. You need to complete a 30 days limited no contact, so I would suggest that you ignore his message as you are not worse off for not replying. You have already broken up. So stick with the program and work on yourself in that time

Kristen

June 16, 2020 at 2:28 pm

What if my ex asked for space, and then when I give it to him he then texts that he wants me to come over so we can talk. Clearly I should be ignoring this? Right?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 16, 2020 at 7:47 pm

Hey Kristen, not if you are not broken up no. But if he ends things with you – Agree that you think you should take some time apart and leave remaining composed

Selene

June 13, 2020 at 7:30 am

Hi, so on the day I broke up with my ex (a little more than a month ago), I told him I will be going to his house to collect my clothes and stuff after the COVID-19 lockdown. I only started no-contact 10 days ago and he texted me today confirming the plan, asking “u’re coming over to my place to collect your things, right?” If I reply yes, is it breaking no-contact or should I just ignore the question?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 13, 2020 at 9:56 pm

Hey Selene, no it is not breaking NC if you are going to collect your belongings

Umama

May 13, 2020 at 3:17 pm

Hey, so i really really need your help. I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for 6 months and the last two months, we’ve been doing long distance because of quarantine. he suddenly started ignoring me a lot during the past month and we really started becoming distant. we quarreled multiples of times on the topic of who’s ignoring who and his excuse was usually that he just didn’t like texting. (he didn’t even call me anyways) and i used to forgive him, this happened about 5 times. and then i started seeing as if he had started loosing his interest in me. all he ever showed interest in was sexual stuff and that’s it. Sometimes i really felt as if he wanted me to break up with him but he wanted me to do it so that he could blame me for it, and so i couldnt keep it in anymore. everyone told me that he was becoming really toxic and all, and so i broke up with him last week. i was a mess after that and surprisingly, he wasn’t. i don’t think he even cried once. he told me to stay friends with him to which i agreed but it kept getting harder for me to keep seeing his snaps and him on social media. and even in school meetings online. thus, i thought about applying the no contact rule.just to make it clear, i still love him and i want him back. i forgave him knowing how he used me but i still keep missing him. Its hardly been one whole day, i removed him from my insta and blocked him on snap. but he just texted me saying how hes sorry that our streaks were broken and wants me to add him back. I’m really tempted to tell him that “i need space” so that he wont text me now, but should i really do it? how do i go about it? is it necessary to respond to him now? he keeps on texting saying my name. should i open the message and leave him on seen? or should i completely ignore? or should i just tell him to give me space? keeping in mind i want him to love me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 20, 2020 at 2:41 pm

Hey Umama, yes definitely allow some time and space. Complete a No Contact period and then when you have done the 30 days use a text that Chris suggests in his articles. The important thing when an ex asks for space is you allow them that. It shows you are respectful and not sitting there waiting for them, you use social media or mutual friends to show how you are doing well even though you are broken up

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186 thoughts on “What To Do When Your Ex Contacts You During No Contact”