What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

cmr

April 19, 2015 at 4:54 am

Hi chris, I really like your website. It helps me realizing someting but I still need your help.

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 9:21 pm

With what?

BJ

April 18, 2015 at 2:56 am

Hi Chris, I tried the no contact rule and after sent him a text saying we should still be friends, also added a memory text. I have not gotten a response and it has been almost one month since I messaged him. The problem is he has a new gf that he has been dating for almost a year. I never thought they would last this long but they are moving in together. There’s quite an age difference between them, he’s 30 and she’s 10 years younger. I’m so lost on what to do. I want him to be happy but I don’t want to give up.

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:56 pm

Ya you didn’t quite do that right.

Your first contact text message wasnt right.

Good news on the age difference though. She is probably too immature for him (he will realize eventually.)

Eleen

April 17, 2015 at 7:27 pm

Hey Chris. I’m wondering if you’ll be able to help me. We broke up a month and a half ago. We never really got NC, it was always me initiating contact. I was trying hard to get him back, mostly in a friendly way. Before he used to tell me that he’s unsure if we should get back together. Then a week ago, as we share mutual friends, we met at the party. He was really drunk and at the end of it he wanted to talk. I refused, and stated that I want to talk, but not when he’s drunk. He made a drama and left. I wrote him message that I want to talk anyways, but when he’s sober. We had argument over the texts and he told me to forget his name and everything that’s happened (obviously he was drunk replying). Two days after I asked him if he really meant it, he told me it’s not worth for me trying, everything is over and he has a happy life without me. I thanked him for this answer and now blocked him on fb, and not contacting him in any form.
We broke up because of trust issues, I lied to him, purely because I was afraid to break up. We’ve been together for 6 months, and lived together for 5 months. Do you think there’s a chance of us getting back together someday?

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:45 pm

This should be able to tell you your chances,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/do-you-even-have-a-chance-at-getting-your-ex-boyfriend-back-lets-find-out/

Alia

April 17, 2015 at 5:16 am

This is funny to me, it’s childish but it’s hilarious… So me and this guy haven’t spoken in 5 months.. Within those 5 months and using the no contact rule I’ve tried reaching out with no success.. One of the attempts I tried sending him a direct message on Instagram probably 2 months ago. We never followed eachother on Instagram.. But today I decided to search his name just to look at his profile even though it’s private lol.. It doesn’t show up I go on this app and the app says “this user is blocking you” LMAO… So now I’m like wow .. Idk what to think .. It could be a sign I’m still on his mind Hahahahah. But see with the whole direct messaging him on Instagram that was like two months ago so I think if that had anything to do with it he would have blocked me 2 months ago when he got the notification…. But my thing is … We don’t even follow eachother on Instagram never have… So why are you blocking me?

Alia

April 21, 2015 at 10:36 pm

Last month or the beginning of this month I know I wasn’t blocked on instagram and then I noticed Friday I was blocked… LOL then maybe Sunday I was unblocked…
Alia

April 21, 2015 at 9:53 pm

He actually unblocked me now on instagram lol…. I really don’t know he blocked my number but i don’t think he did… We never followed each other on social media sites lol
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:12 am

I actually wrote a post on blocking that might help you understand why he goes through the blocking phase.
Alia

April 21, 2015 at 7:48 am

Oh yeah I meant like “so why are you blocking me” meaning him not you lol… But he blocks me on Instagram I can’t see his stuff regardless so why would he block me on Instagram lol and now I’m unblocked ..
Chris Seiter

April 21, 2015 at 5:57 pm

Haha I took that the wrong way.

Are you just blocked on social media?
Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:30 pm

I am not blocking you?

Do you mean why is your ex blcoking you?

I believe I cover that here,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-if-your-ex-boyfriend-blocks-you/

Steph

April 17, 2015 at 2:35 am

Hi Chris, i’d really appreciate your advice on my situation!
My ex- boyfriend and I met at school and starting liking each other at about 16. We’d get with each other when we’d be at the same parties and events but never acted on being boy friend and girlfriend at that age. When I was 20 I finally told him how I felt about him and we started dating. We were really good together and had such an amazing friendship/ got along so well because we were so similar.
About a year in..I noticed he started wanting to do more things with his guy friends and not have me around. One weekend he just cracked and my messages of asking him what he was up to turned into him saying I was smothering him.
I think he had a lot of trouble of finding a balance between his gf and mates. He asked for some space from after that weekend and broke up with me a week later. He said he didn’t feel that way for me anymore and wanted to be friends in the future.
I was so emotional, I was messaging him non stop at the beginning. A week later into the break up I spoke to him and he was very cold , STUBBORN and told me to stop speaking to him. I stopped. 1 week later he started messaging me and asked to see me. He apologised about everything and told me he made the biggest mistake. We got back together a month after that. We were really great for 2 years after that (he moved closer to where I lived to be with me etc) up until last month. Similar things started happening. He wanted to do more things without me, fights about seeing his friends more than me, my messages about asking him what his plans were for the night would make him angry and he would say I was suffocating him and he needed space.
One weekend I got pretty upset at him because he was out all weekend and wanted to see me monday afternoon and I was busy and annoyed that he just expects to see me whenever he wanted/ suited him. He broke down and apologised and said he wanted to be the boyfriend I deserve and couldn’t imagine his life without me etc etc. I accepted it but the problem came back 2 weeks later. During the week days we were fine and he would tell me how much he loved me even if we’d had a fight on the weekend. One weekend he just snapped and told me I was suffocating him and that he shouldn’t feel bad about seeing his friends. He said he needed space and I accepted it. The next day he broke up with me and said it wasn’t working and that the same fight was happening too much. When I saw him that day he just kept saying “I need to be alone, I need space and time and to be happy by myself”. When I asked him whether he was okay with never speaking to me/ seeing me again and me moving on he started crying and said of course not. He was so stubborn and said this was the right thing to do. I was an absolute mess and was begging him to try and work things out rather than letting go. I stopped messaging him after that because he just kept repeating himself and saying he needed space. I broke down two weeks later and messaged him asking if he was okay and this is what he really wanted (because last time he clearly didn’t really know and came back after a few weeks). He was just as stubborn and said this was the right thing to do and for me to move on. He’s been posting heaps of pictures on Facebook and acting out of character which is hurting me so much. Every time I see a picture or hear about him being fine I break down. I couldn’t help myself one night and messaged him saying “how can you be okay with cutting me out of your life” kind of thing and he didn’t respond. That was a week ago and I feel like an idiot. It’s nearly been a month now and I don’t know what to do. It seems like he’s forcing himself to move on and forget about me. His mum says he won’t speak about it to her and has told me he’s just acting like this to hide his feelings and to give him space. He never speaks to anyone about how he’s feeling so I have no idea whats going on. Do you just stop loving someone like that or do all your feelings go away if you don’t speak to them/ see them for a long period of time. I’m worried if I do successfully implement the no contact period he won’t care, message me and have moved on completely and so easily. He seems like he’s so happy and having the time of his life right now. He seems to even be liking the attention of other girls (adding them on Facebook and instagram). He was never that kind of guy with me.. wouldn’t do any of that stuff because he had me. I guess i’m just so worried about how easily he might move on from and be okay with not seeing me or speaking to me again.

Steph

April 23, 2015 at 9:36 am

Would love for a reply and advice Chris! thanks

Lolita

April 16, 2015 at 8:55 pm

hi chris.
I was in a very serious relationship for 3 years. We are both 19. My ex left me 3 months ago for another girl. She is totally the opposite of me and all his friends have slept with her. He hurt me badly and disrespected my family. A month into the break up his grandma dies, i go to the funeral. A week later he comes back begging to get back together. Saying he won’t do it again, that he made a stupid mistake, etc., all this while he has still publicly with the other girl. I slept with him, (HUGE MISTAKE). For a month he kept the story going, saying a bunch of crap of how i was his girl and he was my guy forever. Every time the other girl posted a picture of them together i got really mad and lashed out. I told him to never speak to me again like 4 times, but he came outside my house and begged for me not to abandon him. The day before i left on a family trip for spring break i went to his house to say hi to his family. There he made a huge speech of how he wasn’t going to mess this chance i was giving him. 2 days into my trip i see a picture of them together on the mountain. I get angry and emotional and really say a lot of things. The day later he asked her to be his girlfriend and posted the first picture.
I was in really bad shape. A week after that, I’m back in town and he tries contacting me. I had him blocked. The 2nd day he calls a mutual friend whom i was hanging out with and tells him the same crap he told me before. I said i had nothing to say to him, that he had a new girlfriend. Monday i break NC and pick up the call. He says he knows we are never getting back together because he knows my family hates him… I’ve seen him twice after that and he stares at me with sad eyes. Today his mom asked for my help on something.
Don’t know what to do.
Want him back badly, but i think he is pulling away because he thinks my family hates his guts.

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:19 pm

Darn, I wish you hadn’t of broken no contact.

Tina

April 16, 2015 at 5:10 pm

Hi Chris,

Thanks for a very helpful site.

What do you do when your ex told you at breakup that he doesn’t want any contact anymore? It’s been 3 1/2 months and I have not attempted to contact him as he told me not to. Should I wait for him even though I am getting the feeling he expects me to be the one to break NC?

Long story short. Together 2 yrs. I found out he was sneaking around again at the end of Dec with a female “friend” (I was never allowed out with them). This time I lost it and gave them both a piece of my mind before breaking up with him. A couple of days later he decided to contact me – so he could break up with me and tell me he doesn’t want any contact. :-/

I never neglected my appearance, was always well groomed, but did gain some weight during the relationship as I made the huge mistake of always putting his needs first. Since the breakup I have dropped 2 dress sizes (1 more and I’m good), been working out 3x almost every day and am toning up nicely, and my appearance in general has improved. I’ve been focusing more on my hobbies. Have even gone on a few dates although nothing remotely serious for obvious reasons.

6 weeks ago I reactivated my Facebook for the first time in a year. I am still on his friend list, but there have been no comments or likes to each others posts. He is on Facebook everyday, but rarely posts. He had been quiet on Facebook for a month, but within hours of my first post back he also posted and it was to thank the “people” who stood by him during a difficult time over a year ago. I know that there was only one “people” that stood by him during that and it was me.
I post a couple of times per week. I’ve teased him a bit, giving him a small peek into my social life. No pics with men in them, but enough to make him realize I am not pining. OK, of course I am pining, but not letting on. He has had several whiny vague posts this year before I became active on Facebook again. I’ve completely avoided doing any of that whiny stuff. My posts have been upbeat.

It brings me back to my original question: what do you do when your ex told you he wants no contact. I am taking this as in the “never and forever” sense. Btw, I have some important items of his that he will absolutely have to collect at some point. My mom has had some contact with him over the past 1 1/2 months and he could have easily asked her to get these from me, but hasn’t. Should I wait until he is ready to make contact? I know he has a lot of things to figure out. This was the first relationship in years for both of us and we use to see each other every day. It’s getting hard.

Thank you.

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:12 pm

Give him his wish for a bit… Then contact him after some time has passed.
Tina

April 16, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Should add that I am not exactly a spring chicken anymore and not up to starting from scratch again with someone else. I’d like this to have a happy ending – eventually.

Putri

April 15, 2015 at 4:27 pm

Chris, i really need your help. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago. It wasn’t nice at all. We are in LDR. So i said break up sentence by kik. The problem is… he just read my messages! Why did he do that to me? Is there any hope to get him back? Will he miss me and text me first? Please help me

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 3:42 pm

What do you mean he read your messages?

Tanya

April 15, 2015 at 7:56 am

Hi Chris,

I have been dating this guy for over 9 years now. We lived together and everything….3 weeks ago. he just told me that he found another place to live he is moving out and that is how we broke up.
Things was a little off with us, but think it was because we got to used to each other. He loved me but was not in love with me anymore. And the thing that I can’t understand is that he even bought a ring and ask my parents for permission in December to get married and now this. It all happen so quickly. with nobody even expecting it, and no…there is no other lady involved.
I wish I read your advise earlier because I did contact him…..I told him I miss him….how much I want to be with him…but realizing now after reading it was a mistake. So I just started the no contact rule on Monday. I am trying my best to keep out but it is hart. Like allot of women I am scared that he will forget me. Hopefully your advise will work for my as it has for many other ladies.
Elise

April 15, 2015 at 7:15 am

Hi Chris

Followed your advice and the guy came back after 7 weeks begged to see me which I agreed to this was on Saturday. He text me all day on the Sunday met went to the cinema everything was fine he initiated everything acted normal infact all over me said he had been stybborn and was sorry. This is where it gets complicated he text me all day the Monday said he wanted to see me on the Sunday made plans then went to football training that night text me after then on the Tuesday morning said that he couldn’t do it as I am going a round the world trip in 18 months n he couldn’t continue seeing me knowing I would be leaving. Seems a bit stupid l, any advice?
gj

April 14, 2015 at 1:09 pm

Hey Chris, I was just reading about the NC rule…
I broke up with my boyfriend almost an year back and we have talked a few times after that (last being in march’15). we talked mostly over texting, like once in 2-3 months and they usually didn’t end on a good note. Will the NC rule help in my case?
He is abroad for his studies. Would he even notice?
Chloe

April 14, 2015 at 8:27 am

Hi Chris,
My ex and I dated for a year and most of the time we were very loving and sweet to each other, but we fought quite frequently. We tried fixing the problem and it got better for a while and last week we had a pretty huge one. At first he got a little annoyed only and I said something mean that aggravated his anger started throwing things and yelling at me. He broke up with me during the most heated moment and I just left his house. I haven’t talked to him for 7 days now. Usually our fights start from something very small but I feel like he has anger management issues and he always blew it up while I was always the more calmed one. He has a very strong ego and I think I have pushed him to his limit this time and thus he broke up with me. We are very serious about our relationship and we talk about marriage and stuff as well.. I don’t know if he really means it or he was just too angry and blurted out breaking up with me?

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:11 pm

Did you talk to him about that?

How has he reacted thus far after the breakup?

Syd Bristol

April 14, 2015 at 5:18 am

I have a different situation…

My ex of a year broke up with me using the words “I just don’t connect to anyone.” “We didn’t click.” But, He told me he wanted me stay around, and he didn’t want to loose me.

He wouldn’t meet with me in person and I had a ton of questions and anger and sadness I got out in many text messages. Without a clear breakup I felt like I had no closure. Eventually things calmed down then…

A month later I found out he had met a girl on a work trip who lives in another country. And that was the actual reason for the breakup. Clearly the thought of a new relationship, butterflies and honeymoon stages drew him away. I freaked out. Not only did he lie to me about it, even when I asked point blank I couldn’t imagine him leaving me for a girl in another country he never sees.

He hasn’t told his friends we’ve broken up, and if he has he hasn’t told them of the new girl. His family loved me, and I was told over and over I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had. Apparently he makes really poor choices. I learned a lot about him through his friends. He strikes me as someone who would stay in a mentally abusive relationship with the hopes it will change. He got cheated on and his heart broken really bad, 3 years ago. He has high anxiety, has a hard time dealing with the future and things he can’t control. I was always very good with this and him, even when he told me he couldn’t get it up. He just had no confidence in his sexual abilities. It never mattered to me.

The last thing I said to him a week ago was, I love you so much I want you to be happy. Even if its not with me, but I can’t handle someone else holding you. I’m going to miss you very much. I’ve n/c for a week now. I’m worried that n/c is going to just drive him into her arms. I’m so confused as to what happened. It was so sudden. He had been pulling away but he had just got a new job that was really stressful. He’d never tell me anything going on in his life. I never even got any details about his new relationship, it just hurt so much. How should I proceed now?I have a different situation…

My ex of a year broke up with me using the words “I just don’t connect to anyone.” “We didn’t click.” But, He told me he wanted me stay around, and he didn’t want to loose me.

He wouldn’t meet with me in person and I had a ton of questions and anger and sadness I got out in many text messages. Without a clear breakup I felt like I had no closure. Eventually things calmed down then…

A month later I found out he had met a girl on a work trip who lives in another country. And that was the actual reason for the breakup. Clearly the thought of a new relationship, butterflies and honeymoon stages drew him away. I freaked out. Not only did he lie to me about it, even when I asked point blank I couldn’t imagine him leaving me for a girl in another country he never sees.

He hasn’t told his friends we’ve broken up, and if he has he hasn’t told them of the new girl. His family loved me, and I was told over and over I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had. Apparently he makes really poor choices. I learned a lot about him through his friends. He has high anxiety, has a hard time dealing with the future and things he can’t control. I was always very good with this and him, even when he told me he couldn’t get it up. He just had no confidence in his sexual abilities. It never mattered to me.

The last thing I said to him a week ago was, I love you so much I want you to be happy. Even if its not with me, but I can’t handle someone else holding you. I’m going to miss you very much. I’ve n/c for a week now. I’m worried that n/c is going to just drive him into her arms. I’m so confused as to what happened. It was so sudden. He had been pulling away but he had just got a new job that was really stressful. He’d never tell me anything going on in his life. I never even got any details about his new relationship, it just hurt so much. How should I proceed now?

I’d appreciate some insight, please!

syd bristol

April 17, 2015 at 12:54 am

Also he’s been telling his friends the reason we broke up was because it just wasn’t working for him. He’s so vague.

M-

April 14, 2015 at 12:52 am

love the new look but i miss the list view of articles/podcasts in the sidebar, i find it hard to find the articles im looking for now

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:12 pm

Glad you like the new look.

I will see what I can do to making it easier to navigate.

Are you visiting from your phone?

to write or not to write

April 13, 2015 at 9:51 pm

Dear Chris,
Please I seriously need your advice I have alienated family and friends have been through every stage of a breakup the pain, the questioning, the nostalgia ok not so much anger so far. Your posts have helped me thank you! OK NC is on since we broke up, however I have not heard from my ex either… you see my story is an overseas affair. We both used to see each other every 2 weeks or so: we broke up 3 weeks ago and he was here last week I found out through colleagues, he could have contacted me but he didn’t …rationally I should give up but our breakup was an impulsive decision which I started and he made up his mind …I will go to his city this Friday 17 (we planned this trip quite a while ago) I have booked other tickets for other city in case he doesn’t respond to my email which it will go like this: Hope everything is great with you! My last message was almost impossible to reply ( I send it the night after our breakup “hey, the pain does not goes away”) I believe we can still do all the stuff we left behind(give examples of inner stories unfinished) In any case I arrive at so and so hope to see you there, share a weekend and start from scratch as friends. Or do not write at all spend 2 weeks in Europe enjoy my vacations and hope for him to come back to me.
PS if I write will be my 24th day of NC :(((((
Clary

April 13, 2015 at 8:33 pm

Hi chris, i finished the no contact rule successfully and i texted him, he’s really positive in his replies. I just want to know how do i make him initiate the conversations first instead of me always texting him first. Thanks!

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:14 pm

Sometimes you have to earn that right. I talk about that in my texting podcast.

random girl

April 13, 2015 at 7:36 pm

Hi!!! is it possible to recover a guy who I was dating (but also we used to have sex)? He was a only in the city for a certain time and now he is gone. But I would like him to reach me on social media or anything.

Random Girl

April 17, 2015 at 5:05 pm

about 2 weeks daily
Random girl

April 16, 2015 at 5:29 pm

then he went to keep with his trip. we dated while he was in the city, but his last day here, he said he will see me but he didn’t, which I thought it was so weird cuz we always saw each other.
Random girl

April 16, 2015 at 5:27 pm

Like 2 weeks, but daily.
Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:18 pm

Depends on a lot of factors.

How long were you dating for?

Piper

April 13, 2015 at 3:36 pm

I like the new look of the site. Good job.
I did no contact and he responded, but only vaguely. I’ve improved myself and am living a good life without him.
What do I do to get back what I call the invisible man? He’s not on facebook or any social media and we don’t have any friends in common. He can’t see that I’m great and having fun and looking awesome and there’s no one we know together that can tell him that. Do I just keep trying to contact him via text. (I haven’t contacted him in about a month – that’s the 2nd No Contact I’ve done).

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:20 pm

I think the general consensus is that a lot of women are liking it.

I love the new look personally.

I would do things via text.
Piper

April 13, 2015 at 3:37 pm

Sorry for the duplicate of below. I looked and it had disappeared. Now it’s back. Yikes.

Dana

April 13, 2015 at 1:51 pm

My NC has been going on for about half a year now. No signs of my ex… never called, never messaged, neither did I. And that’s the person I thought wouldn’t stand NC and will break it. Nope…

Alia

April 25, 2015 at 4:00 pm

I kinda am in the same situation except I’ve tried reaching out to him with no luck lol…
Alia

April 25, 2015 at 3:59 pm

I think he’s just really stubborn but I mean it also depends on how your relationship was. Maybe you should try contacting him…
Dana

April 21, 2015 at 11:40 am

Any thoughts on mine?

Liz

April 13, 2015 at 12:06 pm

Hi Chris! I am on NC day 10…but before I go on I need to explain more. My ex broke up with me 10 days ago saying that his feelings aren’t strong enough or he isn’t sure about them. But he wants to remain fair and tell me before it gets worse (which I agree). BUT he also said that he can’t expect nothing from me but he would be glad to keep the contact/be friends. Is he kidding me? I said to him ‘if we would stay friends you can forget the fact to put me as plan B on your list’ and my answer to this also was ‘I need time to think about if I want to keep our contact cause obviously I want something else than staying friends.’ (Seriously why should that work and why should I agree to that? I have enough friends already I don’t need that? LOL) I also asked him three questions. I asked him if he likes me a lot, likes to spent time/ be together with me and if he misses me when I’m not around. He answered all three questions with YES. Also he even introduced me to his mom and close friends. And yet he wanted to break up. That doesn’t make sense to me at all???

He is 30 I’m 26 yrs old. Why is he insecure and says yes to those questions at the same time? Seems like something else is the real matter?

It’s day 10 and he didn’t call or text yet. (Altough HE said he wants to keep the contact cause he still likes me a lot) . I mean if someone says something like that and would really care about someone else as a human being at least I would ask how the person has been so far and if he/she is okay, or am I wrong about this?

Our realationship was around 3 months. I think that isn’t much time to develop deep feelings. Plus I ask myself if he waits for me to contact him, because I told him I need time to think about ‘staying friends’? And could the NC rule work in this case?

Thanks for your help!
Liz

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:24 pm

You are still super early in NC though that’s the good news.

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”