What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?

902 thoughts on “What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?”

Regan

August 4, 2014 at 8:19 pm

My ex told me that he doesn’t hate me and he loves me but he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t want me to continue seeing a guy that I’m seeing at the moment and he doesn’t want me to talk about guys in front of him because he said he knows it would hurt me if he did the same. He said he wants to be my friend because we were best friends. We dated for 2 years and we’ve been broken up for about a month now. I try to do no contact but he always reaches out or I break down and reach out to him. We work together and share the same circle of friends so it’s extremely difficult to get away from him

admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:19 pm

He has no right to tell you to stop seeing people… He is broken up with you.

Gina

August 4, 2014 at 2:49 pm

My ex and i broke up going on 2months now. Our relationship was cool. We love each other we were happy together but his reason for breaking up is because he need space he was stressed about finances. We had a major falling out when we first broke up (our communication sucks). Not quite pass it yet but we’re not arguing everyday anymore. He started to reminisce and play games after i started giving him less attention. One min he wants to move in just to help me then he gives excuses on why he doesn’t think its a good idea when it was hes idea not mine. He was us to be close and rebuild our friendship but he switches up a lot and its confusing. Hes 24 I’m 26. I feel like hes not that much younger to be so immature about things but i feel he doesn’t know what he wants and he plays mind games. Do you think I should work on our friendship and go from there or i should move on? I do want him back just hate the games

admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:02 pm

I think it depends on if you want him in your life. If you can see yourself with him long term.

Brittany

August 4, 2014 at 2:22 pm

Hi there,

I just found your site after another fit of crying over my ex boyfriend after having been broken up for about 4 months. I had been laid up for a long while at the start of this year after a leg surgery and couldn’t walk or leave my house, so my boyfriend was coming over every weekend to see me. I thought that everything was great and we were happy but out of the blue he said that he missed his “old life” (partying, being single, hanging out with his friends all the time) and that he had stopped caring about me, so he left me. I was and am still so very hurt that he left me when I really needed him. But I have a very strong love for him still that I deal with everyday. We talk quite often as “friends” but recently had a disagreement and I let him cool off for about a week and then I tried to reach out to him today, just in a kind and funny way but got no reply. Having read your advice, I worry that he is already so happy with his current lifestyle that he wouldn’t ever want to be back with me and that he’ll find someone who may not be better than I was, but that went along with what he and his friends like to do as though he was single still.

I am so in love with him, even though I am hurt. I feel like I’ve tried to gain some emotional control but he backs off every so often. I just don’t know what to do.

admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Do you think he was impatient and didn’t like the fact that you couldn’t walk around due to your surgery?

meriem

August 2, 2014 at 2:41 am

i wanna ask you something my boyfriend break up with me saying he doesn’t love me anymore after 8 days no contact he call me 3 times and text me because it was the feast (we are muslims by the way)so i couldn’t ignore that because it would be a sin to not respond when a muslim wish you happy aid so i called him we talked a little bit i was triying to sound happy and i managed to do that because after 3 hours he called me to check on me and he ask me are you okey because you’r laughin alot and you sound really happy i said well i’m as i was all the time so he was kind of desapointed because he said that i was like someone who got out of prison and he ask me is it really okey didn’t you get hurt after the break up but i didn’t answer later that night he found me on line in fb he asked me what i’m donig because i was taking alot of time to reply as you suggested so i said i’m talking to my friend he said who i said 2 names one of a girl and the other of a boy when he saw the name of that boy he became really angry and said hurtful thing he said that i don’t care about the break up and i run to him so fast ans he said good i’m really happy for you go ahead date him( ps the boy that i said his name was an old friend my ex was always jealous of him because he thought that he liked me) so i got mad that night and yesterday we talked and i told him that he was wrong and that guy is only my friend and i asked him to meet up but he said i’m not okey let’s make it next week i said ok.after no contact i really felt that he missed me so much but now i think that he is taking me for granted another time.what you suggest what should i do now should i meet him next week if he asked me again or should i do no contact all over again but it would be diffecult espacially because i didn’t delete him from my facebook and my skype.ps we were in a long distance relationship

admin

August 4, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Youve read my LDR guide?
meriem

August 4, 2014 at 4:26 pm

yes i read it we were on the internet to person LDR.you said that if you talked to your ex before the 30 days ends. you have to do it again all over.so you’r saying that i should cancel our meeting of next week because we will meet saturday as he said just to talk but i was going to bring up the break up and see if he thinks we should get back and if he says no then i’ll do no contact like you said how about that !!!!
admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:05 pm

I am not sure you should. Go to the meet up on Saturday.
meriem

August 6, 2014 at 3:38 pm

i need your help chris on this one i think i blow it 2 dayys a go i was online in fb he came said hey i answer hello he was trying to make me talk but i was busy talking with a friend that he was always jealous from when i told him i’m talking with him he got upset and said ok and block me.i was so sad that i messed up all what i did before because i text him saying that i love him and was waiting for him to come back to me but he hurt me another time when he block me.when he saw that msg he said no i didn’t want to get back with what make you think that i said because you were jealous and i felt that you miss me he said yes i miss you and he want to see me with the cam you now on skype but i said no he was upset but i didn’t what to see him because i was almost going to cry but i hold it and kept smiling i tolt him you don’t know what you want he didn’t say anything then he said that he will send me another friend request i said no let’s stay like we are it’s good he said ok .he hung up i was thinking for a whole 1 hour and deleted him from skype because if i didn’t he will be thinking that i’m still waiting for him and didn’t move back.in the morning he check up his skype and when he saw that i deleted him he unblock me and send a friend request in fb and skype to.at 12 he recheck and he found that i deleted the request too he called me then 3 times i didn’t answer around 4 he send me a msg on fb asking why i did that i didn’t respond he then call me 6 times on the 7 th t took my phone and answer.he said why you’r doing that! you deleted the request i said yes and you didn’t answer i said yes too he said why i said because i told you so yesterday if we’re not goning to get back with each other i don’t want to be friends with it’s just isn’t right he didn’t say anything exept repeating why you did that in a very very soft voice i almost didn’t hear him he was talking like someone who got hurt by me he said i didn’t see it coming from you i was really chocked when you deleted my request i said what!! me too i didn’t see the break up coming from you and i didn’t expect you to block me and say what you said yesterday about not having a single thought about coming back i told him with that i human too and i have feeling and i get hurt not just you.he didn’t say anything for 3 mn and then he said what about saturday you did want to meet up i said not anymore let’s stop here he said ok i almost cry because he was realy hurt but he is so stebborn to admit it so should do that in order to make him see that he loves me i did that because he just took me for granted not like he was thinking that he didn’t love me anymore.anyways i said okey i should go now that’s enough he said ok and we said bye.about 30 seconds he call me hello i want to ask you something i said what he said did you delete my photos !!! i was wondering why is asking me that but i said no not yet he said ok and kept silent for 2 mn i said is that all he then got angry and said you want to hung up am i bothering you !!! ok as you like bye with an angry tone i said bye and hung up.that’s it so now my question is if he call another time should i respond or not and if i did not contact will it be okey to contact him after i said that i don’t want anything to do with him !!!!!!!!
admin

August 11, 2014 at 10:48 am

Hmm… try starting a texting conversation before you talk to him on the phone so you can “prime” him to have a good experience of talking on the phone with you (when the time does come.)
meriem

August 11, 2014 at 5:42 pm

hey chris where were you i was lost without your advices 🙁 so i did nothing and stay calm and start no contact all over because i was afraid to do a mistake that blow of my chances. so what happened is that on my 5 day no contact that was yesterday he called me 9 times but i didnt reply but after that i was afraid that he take it in a nigative way knowing that last time we spoke i told him to ot talk to me again.so today i send a short msg i told him that i was busy yesterday because of my aunt ‘s party for the birth of of her first grand son and end it by wishing that he’s doing well.in 30 seconds he call me knowing that he was at work that time.he ask about me and then i ask him what he wants he said i call you saturday and found you’r phone off did you turn it off because of me!! i said no my phone was broken he said hemmm okey i just call you because i read a newspaper and found that “a name of a company”are looking for workers so i just want to let you know (p.s i’m looking for work right now).i said thank you i’m gonna go there this week.silence … he repeated so you’r okey i said yes i am and then he said can i call you back in few minutes i said i want to take a nape and you’r at work soo…. he said no no there is no work today i finished with all the clients i’m just sitting so can call you!! i said okey after 5 mn he call me and the same thing he asked me again how i was doing and how was my family i said okey and keep quiet for few seconds he was silent too and then he said so who is the new guy that you added on fb i left you a week and you’r already adding guys who is he!! (p.s he is jealous and when we were together i wasn’t allowed to add guys on fb or skype only if i know them before) i didn’t find what to say so i didn’t speak.for a few seconds and i heard him saying yes please sit down ma’am it was a client so he tell me wait i will call you in 10 mn i said okey but after 10 mn when he call me i didn’t reply he called 4 times.i didn’t understand him why he was triying to make a conversation out of nowhere when we didn’t even find what to say !!what do you think chris and what should i do now!!!!!!!! and please don’t disappear again 🙂
admin

August 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

He seems really insecure meriem… you should be entitled to add whoever you want on Facebook..
meriem

August 12, 2014 at 5:10 pm

yeah i know that chris i actually read in one of your guides something about that well when we where together he was like a super committed kind of guy i wasn’t allowed to add guys unless i know them and he didn’t add any girl too so that was what made me do what he wanted.yes he has his flaws he is insecure and clingy when i’m not clingy of course but i love him and i still want him back but he confuses me he is sending signs that he wants me back by posting sad pictures on his fb and fight with me about other guys but he didn’t say it he didn’t say that he wants me back.what do you think chris is he playing mide games on me right now or he still doesn’t know what he wants!!!!
meriem

August 13, 2014 at 4:51 pm

Taryn he broke up with already it’s been 3 weeks now and since i’m not depressed i didn’t do no contact he was contacting me too so he made it more defficult for me to continue and you saw what i wrote if i didn’t respond he’ll take it personally and got angry. what do you think guys if i mention the meet up that i conceled last time may be if he sees me he will be able to tell me what he is thinking because he confuses me right now and if he didn’t say anything at all i’ll tell him that i need space and start no contact !!!!!
Taryn

August 12, 2014 at 4:17 pm

I agree with Chris. He sounds insecure.

But also, maybe since he doesn’t think you two are broken up… Maybe you should take a stand and break up with him first. And focus on yourself. He needs to calm down. He does not own you. If you want him to see your value, then maybe you should break up with him. Just a thought.

And then work on yourself. Realize that you don’t need him. Make yourself happy. And then if You decide you want him back, then You try to get him back. But do it right this time.

You should probably read Chris’s article about, How to prevent a breakup when you know it’s coming too. Because maybe you could prevent it all together, but take time to make yourself happy at the time.
meriem

August 11, 2014 at 11:29 pm

update: he called me in the night too he was telling me about his problems at work i listened to him and then he ask me about the guy that i add in fb he said you already adding guys so you thought that it was over and that you will not talk to anymore i said what that have to do with that he said you know that i don’t like that i said so!! he said you didn’t even thought that it’s just a periode and we will get back some day i said no because you told me 2 times that you don’t love me anymore ha was quiet and then he said you’r still talking to (and said the name of my old friend that he ws jealous from all the time we were together and aparently until now) i said yes sometimes and he got angry too and said ok i wish you a good life with him and hung up..after that i sent a msg to him i said i just don’t understand you you know that he is just my friend but you keep saying those things i don’t know why i told you many times that he is just my friend and even if he is more i would tell you because we’re not together now so if you don’t believe me i have nothing to do more.good night.a fiew minutes later he added me on fb and sent a msg “you’r not going to accept my request” i said no because it will lead us to fight and i don’t want to fight anymore i’m tired we then talked some minutes but he got angry another time because he said that he wants to talk to me but i didn’t want because i was talking too long to respond and said ok i will not bother you goodnight.i said goodnight and he deleted his request too.what do you think did i do something wrong was i supposed to accept his request !!

helen

July 28, 2014 at 5:24 pm

Hello Chris:
I posted my question under my previous comments before , I think maybe its too early, so easy for you to miss it,sorry ,I just sent this comments again, cause I really dont know what to do next.my ex just stop replying my text since I sent a bring good memory text to him, and before that we been contacted intensivly for a year, and hes even more initial the text since he went back to Canada for holiday. I am worried, do I just wait for him reach out to me or should I send him one text ask him if hes alright ? I mean if he never gonna talk to me, at least should let me know , cant just hang people there like that,just disappear in the Middle of no where, please help, Chris! thank you so much for your advises!very appreciated !
Bsrgs!
Nj

admin

July 29, 2014 at 1:32 pm

I think you should wait for him to reach out at this point.

Helen

July 28, 2014 at 7:25 am

Hey Chris,

I’ve posted on your website before and just wanted your input on my situation and hoping you had any advice that could help me in any way.

Basically, my ex and I officially broke up last year. When we broke up, I realized how important he was to me and wanted to get back together with him. While broken up, we continued talking and he would see other girls without me knowing. As well, whenever I would stop talking to him or ignore him, he’d get really upset at me. Finally at one point, he came forward and told me that he was going to call this one girl his girlfriend, I told him that I could no longer be part of his life and stopped talking to him. Less than a week later, he called me saying he’d made a mistake, being with his new girl just made him think of me and that he wanted to work things out with me.

So, we got back together but it was hard for me because I had some resentment towards his lies while we were broken up and how he didn’t respect me. As well, I was dealing with the stresses of finding a job so that didn’t help things. While we were “working on things”, he cheated on me with another girl that he worked with while I was away on a trip. He broke up with me again saying that he needed to work on things himself (lying to me). I stopped talking to him again and later on he messages me saying he wished that we could still talk, etc. I later found out through him his cheating and how things with that girl went down. To me, I thought that there wasn’t any point in me being upset because it was something that already happened, I still had feelings for him, and I didn’t want to hate him because hating someone takes a lot of work.

After that, we would talk on and off. I could tell that he geunuinely felt really guilty for his actions and that he does have his own problems, such as addictions, he needed to deal with. Finally, a couple of months ago, it seemed like we were making progress. He suggested that we be exclusive, and he even said I love you without me even expecting it. Now, recently, he has to move back to his hometown because he needs help from his family to cope with his addictions, to sort himself out, and start working on his career. He said if he didn’t have to move that we’d have a good chance together. I saw him last a couple of days ago. I tried my best to accept his decision but also tried to tell him my point of view. He doesn’t think that we have a future long distance so he doesn’t want to try. We had a really good heart to heart about ourselves at people and at the end, he said he’d miss me, he knows its going to be rough and to see wherever life takes us.

I’m really sorry for the long post but I’d really like your input. I’ve already kind of started NC – he messaged me a day ago and I didn’t message back. Is my situation really hopeless? Is there a good chance of him coming back – I think about the other people he’s been with in between and yet he’s come back.

I’ve been a really long time reader of your website and have found it really helpful. I just want some sort of hope to keep my going because I can’t get this off my mind and I’m afraid it’s really over.

Also, I think it’d be a really good post if you could write something about ‘moving on without moving on’.

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

Can I ask you a hard question.

Do you think youll ever get past the resentment you have towards his lies?
Helen

July 28, 2014 at 7:42 pm

To be honest, I really think I can. The past two months I’ve been really happy and I don’t think that that was the main problem between us.

Do you see any hope in this at all Chris? Is there a chance he will come back? What should I do?
admin

July 29, 2014 at 3:58 pm

Theres always a chance but there is no guarantee obviously.

Is there hope for my family?

July 26, 2014 at 2:23 pm

Hi Chris! My situation is a bit different than most. My husband and I have been together for three years and we have a one year old. We have been long distance for about four months now because he joined the military so we all could have a better life. He had went away to boot camp and everything was great. He told me how marrying me was the best decision ever, the plan was for us to move out with him once he got stationed, and even that he wanted to try for baby #2. He came home for a short visit a month ago and after he left he acted really distant and picking fights, telling me how lonely he was. Three weeks ago he told me he wanted a divorce. I had started off with MC but his family was angry at him and was getting involved. He wanted me to fight for him myself, so about a week ago I finally had talked to him about the real reasons and he pretty much thinks that I can’t handle the military lifestyle and doesn’t want to “hurt me.” I’ve texted him about once a day this past week, trying to show to him that I am willing to learn for him. His responses are neutral or none. He’s distancing himself not only from me, but from our daughter too. Yesterday was the first time in a month that he had face timed with us (initiated by him.) Are the rules any different in a situation like this? What do you suggest I do?

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:42 pm

Looks to me like HE can’t handle the military lifestyle.

Was when he asked for the divorce completely out of the blue?
Is there hope for my family?

July 28, 2014 at 7:53 pm

Aside from picking fights for a week before hand, yes it was. Like most couples, we have had our issues over the years but I had thought we had moved past them. Even while I was pregnant (with my raging hormones) he never left my side.
admin

July 29, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Its so hard… I understand that.

Haley

July 25, 2014 at 8:33 pm

Hi Chris,

First of all, Id like to let you know that I love your website and I have used to before..unfortunately with the same guy! He is my first boyfriend and we had been together for 3 1/2 years but we have broken up now..three times. I have just graduated college and he has a semester to go, and we have always been long distnace (2 hours away). I think there is a slight immaturity issue with him because he does love me, but he does not always want to put the effort into making it work–when it gets hard,he quits and breaks up with me. We have had a very up and down relationship. We just recently broke up yesterday because he said he felt not himself, and he didnt know who he was. He said that when we fight on the phone it drains him so much and he has nothing in him left to fight for us. He also believes that since we have been trying on and off for 3.5 years, is it even worth it? He feels that he is pretty sure I am not “the one” for him. I feel completely differently. I feel he is 100% the one. We are both each other’s first bf and gf. Sometimes, he had told me that he doesnt know if there is someone who is perhaps better matched for him. When he broke up with me yesterday I asked him that if I did change the way I handled situations over long distance(because yes sometimes I was a brat and a drama queen) would he consider dating me again, and he said “I think so, but you would genuinely have to change some things because there is only so much I can take.” I love him more than anything, and I have been fighting for him for years. We just broke up last july as well and he came back to me in December a few months later. He has come back to me everytime he has broken up, but I feel this time is different because he will graduate soon and I am not sure why he would want to be with me if he sees no future, even though I can see a future with him. I would appreciate your advice SO much. Thank you for all your posts:)

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:26 pm

Thanks for the kind words!

Was there ever a plan to get together permanantly?
Haley

July 28, 2014 at 6:41 pm

We had decided that if we would date that we would date with the intention of seeing a future together. Now with long distance, and too man ups and downs, he is not sure he sees us being together. He told me the three reasons why he had to break up 1) he doesn’t believe I will change the way I have handled long distance break ups(since we have broken up now three times, and two of them were because I get too angry and nag at everything) 2)He doesnt have faith in our relationship anymore 3) he feels dead from inside and does not have it in him anymore to keep trying. I know that this time if I wante him back I have to change for real. But what can I do to show him that I have changed? Daily I work on how i handle problems so that I practice being a kinder person. I know change isn’t easy but I know that no matter who I am with, the nagging and anger has to stop. Please tell me what I can do 🙁 I love him soo incredibly much and is there a way for me to help change his mind and give him faith in our relationship?
admin

July 29, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Right now I think you are doing everything you can and you should be proud of that.

Casey

July 24, 2014 at 5:55 pm

Chris,

I am trying to understand my ex and his behavior. If we get back together or don’t I’m fine with whatever happens. I guess I started the no-contact rule, without knowing there was such a thing. I stumbled on this site, because I was confused about his male behavior.
He chased after me for several months, before I gave in, to going out with him. We started talking/dating. Then we both went on several months of travel. His was for work, and mine was for the military, both of us agreed we didn’t want each other seeing other people. I visited him once, it went really well. About a week before he was to come home he got a little sketchy. I noticed threw mutual friends on Facebook that some of his friends where going to visit him, and they were bringing a third girl with them. I asked him about it, and then he broke up with me. Saying “he was hung up on his ex.” I am a pretty resilient person, he could have just said “I want to play the field” and I would have been fine with that. So after he broke up with me we texted on and off, then I just stopped around July 4th. We work on the same military base, and see each other from time to time. Whenever he sees me, he texts me. The other day, we drove through the same gate, he texted me. But a few hours later we see each other in the cafeteria, and he sees me, pretends he doesn’t. Whispers to a colleague and ignores me. I’m trying to figure out why he does this? I don’t think his field playing has gone very well, and I was the best he had ever done.
It should be noted, that I’ve been a pretty happily single person for a while. I’m not stuck on being in a relationship, and I have been told that because of some parts of my job, and accomplishments, I can be intimidating to men. I just want to know why he talk to me?

admin

July 25, 2014 at 1:54 pm

He said he was hung up on his ex.

Did you see any warning signs at all that were indicative of this?
Casey

July 28, 2014 at 7:06 pm

No, not really. He didn’t have photos of her and them on his FB page or anything. But he didn’t really talk much about her. Just that she left abruptly, and got married with in 6 weeks after leaving him. He is still friends with her family on FB. And he never really talked about her much. I’ve been mulling this entire “relationship” in my head. Trying to figure out what went wrong. I didn’t call to much or text gnat him. Its seems like from what mutual friends say, that he is impolisive. But not very forward. I made most of the moves to ask him out. Even thought he showed interest first.
Casey

July 28, 2014 at 7:25 pm

I guess it, should be noted that he had a two year relationship with this ex-girlfriend, but it had been over a year since that break up, before we dated, and he had dated another girl for few months, prior to us dating. After reading some of your other stuff, im pretty sure I was just a rebound.

Ayden

July 24, 2014 at 4:53 pm

Hey Chris. So depending on how you look at it, this could or could not be a complicated situation but I would REALLY appreciate your help on how my (ex)boyfriend and I can give it one last chance….
My (ex)boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. Since i was 16 and he was 19. Now I am 20 (almost 21) and he’s 23 (almost 24.) … Through out our relationship we have essentially had one problem and one fight, but hundreds of times… Let me explain where it all started…. 6 months into our relationship my living situation got rocky and I ended up moving in with my boyfriend part time and living in another state part time and flying back and fourth. One time while sitting with him on the computer he logged into this Facebook and (sitting right next to him, with the combination of an extremely easy password) I took note of his password. (I know youre thinking, uh oh this never ends well. haha. and youre right) I was bored at his house one day and while he was at work I decided to log on to his Facebook. What I found that horrifying. He was talking to other girls, Flirting with other girls and worst, talking about me to his friend saying distasteful things like “Is it wrong that I just want to go have sex with other people” ” I hung out with this other girl without ayden knowing but when i found out she was super young I freaked out.” and on and on and on. I kept doing this for about 6-7 months and never told him about it. During that time in our relationship I resented him mainly because I didn’t understand how he would be so nice to me in person but every day say this kind of horrible stuff about me behind my back and do this to me. One day I couldn’t take it anymore and while I was in the other state I called him and told him everything, I said I couldn’t keep living with this and hiding this, that I have been reading his Facebook and I have seen everything. He freaked out and went in and out between denial/anger towards me and apology. He said he was confused and it didn’t mean anything and we would always fight and that I was always so mean to him but he loved me and didn’t want to break up so he was confused. After days of fighting we decided to patch it up and continue the relationship. I ended up moving to the other state full time where he would come and visit me once a month for a few days and we continued a long distance relationship and had fights often about trust and my fear of him texting/meeting other girls behind my back and etc. while he was gone. I was scared I was traumatized by what had happened in the past. Towards the end of my living situation in the other state, He and I got into a huge fight because he started going out to clubs/bars and staying up until 5 am every day of the week going out with people from his job. He and I ended up breaking up over it, He dumped me and was super firm on the fact that we are not and will never get back together as much as I begged and cried. I moved out to Los Angeles 2-3 weeks later (he lives in California as well.) and even though I was still sad about us not being together, I started to get used to my new surroundings and was having a great time. He then started contacting me and expressing interest and we started talking. One day he wanted to see me and the next day he didn’t and finally after a month and a half and an emotional roller coaster, We decided to meet up. We ended up getting back together after 2 weeks of reconnecting. That was last summer, Now one year later and even after getting back together we have still been having the same fight about trust and bringing up the Facebook thing as well as other things Ive found since then like girls he had been texting when we were on little breaks here and there throughout the year and the constant “Who is this girl that you added on Instagram and why did you like all her pictures??!” Nagging from me.

(almost done… )

So skip to present day. Two months ago we got in a fight about the same thing. Apparently we ended up breaking up or going on a break. He refused to talk to me and told me he was done and we weren’t together and then we would patch it up and hangout on the weekend, he would introduce me as his girlfriend, pay for me and I would sleep over and then during the week we would be back to bickering and him telling me we aren’t together. 3 weeks ago he agreed to come over and talk. We vented our feelings to each other and he ended up leaving with anxiety and saying he was over it giving me a long hug before he left and then called me on the way home and saying he wanted to start over and put the past behind us. I was happy and content until THAT NIGHT he added some other girl on instagram and liked all of her pictures. I got really angry at him and he explained it was before we talked and he just wanted attention and it was stupid. In relativity adding girls on instagram is stupid and harmless but I think it was the principal of the situation. I was still angry at him and he ended up turning the situation around on me saying F-this I don’t need to deal with this and we ended up breaking up.

I texted him the week after asking him to meet up and talk, no pressure. He didn’t respond and then the next morning called me saying “Why does this always have to be this way” “Call me back and let me know youre okay” … We ended up not meeting up and talking and his behavior switched from that to “Don’t contact me I am done with you” vibe over the last week. I texted him a week ago out of an emotional panic and vented that I missed him and we can fix this and blah blah and he responded super mean like “This is dead I’ve erased you from my memory” (which is just silly to say.)
… Yesterday I texted him saying “I saw this photos you took recently, They’re great, I’m proud of you.” (he’s a photographer) “Also, when we last spoke I was really emotional and frustrated and I apologize for that.” and of course he didn’t reply.

I don’t know what to do. It seems like a lot and an extremely overwhelming situation, As I was trying to sum up the last 4 years of our relationship into a comment.
He has always expressed that he doesn’t want to go date other people. That Im the only person he wants/loves and has always begged me to trust him and get over the past for years.
It takes people different amounts of time to heal from certain situations. I was traumatized and over the past 3 years I wasn’t ready to heal. Now I have come to the realization that sometimes good people make bad choices and It would suck to be reminded of your mistakes for years, feeling as though you could never live them down. He knows what he did was wrong. I realize that the only way to move forward with our relationship would be if i completely put the past behind us and never bring it up again. I probably pushed him into some of the things he has done since then. He probably figured “Well if she thinks I am doing all this stuff I might as well because I will get ridiculed for it either way.” and i know that thats not fair to him. I really want to try our relationship without the element of the fear and trust issues being there because what we do have could be great. I know I should trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is constantly reminded of his mistakes years ago, it will never give him a chance to grow and prove his younger self wrong. If i completely forgive him and he cheats on me or does it again, Then I would be the idiot for staying in the relationship. But I feel like he deserves that chance.
He and I are adults now and have grown so much since we first started dating as people. We were teenagers and now as adults, we should be having a different kind of relationship. What he and i have aside from the main issue is beautiful. We understand each other on a level that Im not sure either of us would ever be able to find with someone else. And I know that he really really loves me. I don’t easily connect with other people. Being a model in LA you get guys coming up to you constantly and though some may be cute and some nice, It doesn’t matter to me because I don’t just connect with anyone the way other girls do.

He is a very stubborn person. And I would like to meet up with him to tell him how I feel and to try for the first, and last time to finally put everything behind us for good and start over, But im scared that If i text him and ask him to meet up he will just shut me down because he is very stubborn. Part of me wants to ask him to meet and then if he says no just type him a long and detailed text explaining how I feel and how I want to put this behind us so that he can read it over and think about it but i am honestly torn and have no idea what to do.

Please help me.

Thanks.

-Ayden

admin

July 25, 2014 at 1:51 pm

While you did breach his trust by stealing his password and looking at his Facebook without his consent I am kind of glad you did because you got a taste of how he really is behind your back.

He seems very two faced to me…. are you sure you want to put yourself back in a situation where you are with him?
Ayden

July 25, 2014 at 3:51 pm

I don’t want to be in the same situation. I want to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him so we can be together and stop fighting about the same things over and over that happened years ago.

With that being said, I don’t think the NC rule will work because we’ve done that before and it has and now I think its past that point and he’s trying to get over me. How should I go about contacting him since he didn’t respond to my small talk the other day?
admin

July 28, 2014 at 1:52 pm

WAit about a week and try another reach out message.
Ayden

July 25, 2014 at 4:53 pm

I really want to call him on my lunch break at work this evening and tell him that I love him and that I’m sorry for the way things happened and if he wants to talk let me know and then okay bye i have to go back to work haha but i don’t know, thats what my gut is telling me but if thats a bad idea i don’t want to go off of impulse. How should I next contact him?

Marylen

July 24, 2014 at 11:24 am

Hi Chris,

I’d like to explain to you my situation in case you might give a piece of advice.

First of all, sorry if I make mistakes from time to time, but I am from Spain and English is not my native language.
Well: I had been living with a man (call him A.) for the last 9 years when a-year-and-a-half ago I met another one (call him G.). My relation with A. had been fading continually during the last years, so when G. started hitting on me, I felt attracted to him too, and from one thing to another, we started a kind of dating. He had a long-term relation too then, which he told me was not going well since long time ago, but the matter is that he has two kids he loves very much, though he does not love the mother of them anymore.
Well, some months passed and he proposed me to make the decisive step and leave our couples and go to live together; after some pondering about it, I said yes, we were really very much attracted to each other and felt really happy together, and our respective relations were not getting well, so we did it.
At the beginning it was fine, but after not much time, he began to exact from me quitting doing some quite innocent things, like hobbies and/or habits, because he did not like them (for example, playing tennis doubles with a guy, which was exactly the way I had met him. I have friends with whom I have been playing for years, but had to stop doing it because every time I did it, he strongly disapproved and said I shouldn’t do it since HE is not doing it. Which I considered just, and stopped doing it). He started a kind of controlling me, and also he insisted that I should officially arrange the matter with A. and bring all my things into our new appartment, but I didn’t want to do this yet, because I was not yet sure about the good outcome of our relation and preferred to go slowlier.
Well, things were not so marvelous they were in the beginning, and got worse and worse: I lied to him several times about trifles (in my opinion), and he discovered I had lied to him all these times, and got really mad. It was for really trifle things as for example, I had a tennis match with a friend of mine (man) and since I knew that If I had told him the truth, he would take it badly and get angry(had happened before so I knew he would take it bad) , so I simply told him I would be having lunch with a girl-friend…..and he discovered I had lied….several times. The first time it was only a row, but his attitude towards me got more and more suspicious, and after me doing it several times (I really didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t know how to do in order to not make him angry and do what I wished to do)…He also accused me in repeated occasions that I am not giving as much as him for the future of our relation, and this could be a kind of true, since I was less and less sure each time in the possibility that we could get on well together forever. So, one day he told me we broke. This happened last September, when we had been living together for 5 months. So I went back home (I have a common property house with A) and G went back his home with his kids and his ex. But we didn’t cut the contact, I kept telling to him sorry because I had spoiled it all etc etc….Well: in October he started telling me again that we might have one more try, several months passed, we started to look for a place to go to live together again, and well, I did it ONCE MORE. Lied to him for the same trifle, and he caught me again. So he said, that’s all, finished, I do not want to know anything about you anymore, etc…But I still went on telling him I really didn’t want to lie to him, I really love him and nobody else interests me; I am just used to do the things my way, and he expected from me to live and to treat him as if he was the only thing in the Universe for me, and I did not do that, and that’s why he started saying we are not compatible and we have to break. But I was somehow incapable of accepting this, and he didn’t cut contact either. He blocked me several times in the whatsapp, and he always unblocked me some time after; he told me many times he wants nothing with me, but he came back to me many times. I am a kind of playing a role always telling and doing the things I know will please him, just to retain him. The fact is that I do love him, but the power balance is totally in his hands now. Now he has blocked me again, though he said OK to a lunch with me yesterday and the day before, but he still doesn’t want to unblock me in the whatssapp and does not reply to the many Text messages I sent to him along the day. He a kind of enjoys me always there begging him for a date, although he knows I am not a clingy person with anybody except him. I am not weak, I feel successful in general, I have high opinion of myself because I have done well in all the spheres I have been in, and I’d say I have good looks too. So he know (he is a very clever guy) that I am neither weak nor clingy, I am still around him just because I am still fighting for him, though in the appearance it seems I am going after him. He gave me many opportunities, that’s true, but each time he gave me less of him than before, and the last times he practically gave nothing.

To finish with: what I want with him now is a kind of a “partial relation”. I do not want to live with him at the moment, and I do not want him to leave his kids etc, I just want to see him several times a week and that’s it.

One more thing: I thought of starting NC to try to turn the power balance towards me several times, but he is really very very stubborn guy, and he thinks I did wrong to him, so I am afraid that the NC might make him decide he will never never speak to me again. Or another possibility: since I think he made attempts to cut contact with me and failed, if I do not contact him during 30 days, it might make him easier for him just to achieve what he tried and couldn’t do in the past.

To really finish with: I do think we can be well together, we share things, our life vision is the same, and I do love him. And I think he has feelings for me too, though I am not sure they are positive now.
Kat

July 23, 2014 at 10:59 pm

So after almost 6 months now things are still all up in the air..I stopped hoping for him to come back and about a month ago out of no where he told me that he loved me :/ such a mind fuck. Luckily I was leaving the country soon after so we didn’t have an opportunity to speak about it. But since then he’s been telling me he misses me and I saw him about a week ago and he said ‘if the fight we had had been in private we’d still be together right now’. Literally after that i went away again turned my phone off and on my return i messaged him to say we shouldn’t talk for a few weeks as when i saw him still says he doesn’t know what he wants (I guess neither to do..) but i never told him i loved him. His immediate reaction to this was is there another guy? so strange…

Anyway i was just wondering whether you think he’s being genuine about the i love you’s and miss you’s because as you say if he wanted to be with me he would…except its been 6 months and he still hasn’t cut me out and finds random reasons to text me and said that thing about us being together. I just don’t know if i should bother wasting my time anymore!
Kristen

July 23, 2014 at 8:38 pm

What happens in the case of him being unhappy, not with me at all, but having to work some stuff out for himself? I still want answers, do you think he will honestly give me them in time, if he couldn’t at the time of our breakup?
Madison

July 22, 2014 at 6:45 pm

So my ex and me broke up about a month and a half ago and the breakup pretty much came out of nowhere to me. I thought we were crazy in love and everything was great. I noticed him acting more stressed and distant than usual but I thought that was because he was just stressed about not graduating from college in the spring and having to take summer classes then he could. He also wasn’t happy about the job he’d be working when he graduated and moving away. I don’t know if that’s why he broke up with me or what. He even cried when he first broke up with me. We didn’t talk for about a week after that then saw each other and decided to try to work on things and go back to talking but then I knew it wasn’t the same and he wasn’t putting in a real effort like he did before so then he finally broke up with me and said he couldn’t do it anymore.

I’ve done the NC thing for about 38 days and yesterday was his bday so I decided to text him “Happy Birthday, hope you had a good day” and he wrote back in less than a minute wih a “Thank you!” Then I waited about an hour and texted him “how have you been?” And he never replied…. I sent that pretty late so I was thinking he was maybe asleep but then today I haven’t heard from him yet. I don’t know if that was the best thing to do or not… I just wonder if I’ll actually ever hear from him again.

admin

July 24, 2014 at 2:15 pm

Any reason why you did it for 38 days as opposed to 30 days?
Madison

July 24, 2014 at 7:04 pm

I felt with our situation and him seeing like he really could just be over me I felt like the extra days would make him miss me more.
Madison

July 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm

Its actually been a few days since all that happened. Sorry I didn’t update this post before I posted it.

I don’t know if he really just doesn’t care anymore, cause I don’t see how he could just change his feelings for me so fast. Or he’ll eventually reach out.

Crystal

July 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm

Hi Chris,
So I went thru the full 30 NC and sent the first confession text yesterday but he hasn’t replied at all. What should I do? We have been a breakup get back breakup again couple but this last time he seemed serious but it also seemed out of nowhere. I’m lost.

admin

July 24, 2014 at 2:14 pm

I beleive they call that an on and off relationship.

What was his reason for the breakup?

Joanna

July 22, 2014 at 2:49 pm

What do you think of no contact for 4 months?
My ex falls in the ‘stubborn’ category and is pushing me in the friendzone.

admin

July 24, 2014 at 1:58 pm

I think 4 months tends to be a little bit long.

Em

July 21, 2014 at 7:30 pm

Hey Chris,
I was wondering if my question went through.
I had somewhat good news and bad news that I told but I can’t find my question.
Good news was my ex followed me back on social networks. But has not made contact. we have been broken up for 9 months.
Bad news: there may be another girl …. she has the same name as me he likes her pictures and i guess they were both up north for vacation and she tweeted saying gonna invade the camp next me and he said badass and she said it was a good time with a smirking face. another thing about him is that he favorited a tweet ” wishing bae was here to cuddle with me” and this was text picture” dear oomf i want u now here in my arms it will make me happy” me or her…. in my guess its not me :/ i really really miss him if i were just saying this it wouldn’t have gone on for this long you know? I wake up he’s on my mind and I go to bed He keeps me up because he’s on my mind 24/7 I don’t know how to retract him should i show him I am having a great time with out him even tho its been 9 months would that even work…. What should I do? Is It to late…. Thanks for all the help!
P.S -great article!!

admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:21 pm

Same name like first and last name?
Em

July 23, 2014 at 10:58 pm

Oh no no no, just the first name. Its been almost 10 months is it to late? He’s hot and cold all the time what does this mean? also i still don’t understand what makes an ex unfollow and refollow you? thanks again chris!

Sara

July 21, 2014 at 6:06 pm

Hi Chris 🙂
Just one question. What can I do if he keeps trying to contact me during no contact? We were in a long distance relationship and we used to text eachother everyday. We did have fights before and after the break up, he wanted to stay friends and that didn’t work out for me. However, we were in “relatively” good terms when I decided to go no contact, and I think he is a little confused. Is it ok for me to tell him that I just need some time or should I just not say anything?
Also, I want to specify that I am not doing this *only* because I want him back. I realized how I got to a crazy state of minf where I have become obsessive and emotional and desperate, and I feel like i have betrayed my old self. So I primarily want to get that old self back, and then see how things go.

admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:17 pm

You ignore him… thats what no contact is.

Kristen

July 20, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Looking for help

Today marks day two of NC for me. Already it’s hard just thinking about it, and I know it’s only going to get harder. I know I only just broke up with my boyfriend, but can’t seem to figure out what his resistance is, I am still unsure about our break up. When we met we clicked instantly, it felt like I’d known him before and dating in the beginning felt like we had been dating forever. We made each other laugh, we liked the same weird strange things that not many other people either of us knew liked. He was so beautiful and so incredibly handsome. He would tell me how beautiful and gorgeous I was. I believe we were each others total package significant other. Everything came so naturally with him. Things were always good between us. He went through a rough job that was very stressful and always told me I helped him through it and was very supportive to him through that time. He said he wanted to marry me, talked about buying a house with me someday, talked about having kids one day. So at first he wanted to take a break, which I knew was coming. I was unhappy (not all the time) because I felt like I couldn’t ever see him, work schedules got in the way and I just wanted to spend more time with him. Toward the end of our relationship we didn’t see much of each other because of work schedules; two days a week together tops, if that. With so much physical distance between us, I think it created emotional distance between us. We were both unhappy, him being unhappy was news to me he never led me to believe anything was wrong, so we both agreed taking a break was pretty much the only option. During this time he told me he still loved me, wanted to be with me, it’s not a break up, it’ll be over sooner than later for the good and made it seem like we’d be getting back together. During the break I started working on my issues and addressing them within myself with the hopes of rekindling what we had from the hope he instilled in me with everything he was saying. A week and a half into the break we meet up and he says ‘this isn’t gonna work’. Some of the things he said: “there’s nothing romantically there, after we’d hangout out for a few days in a row it felt like we had nothing left to talk about, I’ve had my heart torn apart.” In telling me all of this he told me it wasn’t fair to me, he wasn’t fair to me. Why get my hopes up? I don’t know where it’s all coming from? I don’t know what his resistance to me/our relationship is? I told him that I still loved him, even though he made me hope that things were going to work out and then just broke it off. (He thought the space from a break would help things, but also knew all along that he wanted to end it, apparently.) I still love him and I still want to be with him. I said to him maybe it isn’t the right time, maybe we need more space and time apart and in the future (near or not so near) we can be together again. I would very much like this to happen, I still want to be with him. The way we left things, seems to me like there is something still there between us. He said he would like that to happen too, for us to possibly be together again in the future, for us to not focus on that, but that maybe it just wasn’t the right time for us, or maybe we need a little more time apart to realize. I want to try NC for at least the 30 days, see if maybe he will contact me before then or I contact him after NC if/when I feel up to it.
What is his resistance?
What could his thoughts be on the NC, having his heart broken before? Does he know how all of this works and would it not work on him?
Will NC work and maybe we could have another shot at us in the future like we both said would like to happen?

Maiya

July 21, 2014 at 10:08 pm

Hi Kristen, as I was reading your post I couldn’t help but think that your circumstance is so much similar to mine. In fact I would say that I feel like I was reading my breakup story too. He had the same resistance, and the same contention that it wasn’t fair to me. He had also asked for a break, then some months later came the full breakup. I was very hurt of course, but I didn’t resist. It was weighing down both of us so much. And we both have tough responsibilities (I am a student, but a postgrad).

I’d say do a full on NC, because not only does it give him more space to think, it gives YOU more space to think as well. I remember my dad giving me his advice on this, that there is a certain age where men want nothing more than to focus on establishing their careers and experience everything in the world. You just have to respect that. BUT he also has to respect your wants too–make him work for it if he wants to come back. That’ll tell him that you’re no ordinary girl.

When you’re in a relationship where none of you could be there for each other at the moment, then it becomes a breeding ground for resentment for each other. Even if you got back together after a few days, the issues will still be there. Having space from each other gets your head and heart back in place, at least that’s what I think anyway. So what I’m really saying is, implement the full on NC. It’s hard at first, but it’ll get easier.

Who knows, there might even be a nice surprise at the end of it.
Kristen

July 22, 2014 at 7:51 pm

Thank you guys so much it means a lot. I know I’m still in the beginning of it and the breakup is still fresh but as each day passes it’s getting a little bit easier.
Taryn

July 21, 2014 at 8:45 pm

Hey Kristen :]

You know…. it may seem right now like it’ll get harder to do 30 days, But honestly, it gets easier. Much easier. Because the further away you make yourself from him, the more you move on and not worry about it anymore. It will get easier. If you use your time wisely that is. Use this time to focus on yourself first. Do something awesome for You.
admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:28 pm

You go Taryn!
Marylen

July 24, 2014 at 12:18 pm

I have one doubt about the NC (haven’t done it yet, so really it is just a theorical doubt). In the same way that, obviously, 30 days without speaking to the ex will make us think less about him, a kind of “go away” from him, give him less importance….Well, what I think is, isn’t it going to produce exactly the same efect in HIM and make is easiear that he forgets US?
Taryn

July 25, 2014 at 3:01 pm

I don’t believe 30 days is long enough for him to forget you. You know why? Because we are being trained on how to move on the correct way. Our Exs are not. They are going through the 30 days the wrong way. They might be moping. Weeping. Sighing. Missing us. Rebounding. Not us. We are handling this better. Believe me love, he is thinking about you. All the time. But men are stubborn. And sometimes they don’t even realize what they lost. Not right away. He thinks about you. He won’t forget.
Kristen

August 2, 2014 at 3:31 pm

So what if he may possibly be in a rebound relationship? He broke up with me and then 3 days after that some girl he works with was writing on his Facebook wall posting heart emojis. When we were dating he was pretty broke for the last few months of our relationship but I never complained about his financial situation, I was still with him supporting him and everything. His work schedule didn’t match up with mine and he was looking into side jobs to get more money, which was fine I just wanted to see him/spend time with him. This girl from his work has a kid, which isn’t a bad thing but I just don’t understand why he would possibly be in a relationship with someone with a child when he can’t really afford stuff much for himself (that I last knew of anyway); I know/understand how that may be part of a RR. Now 15 days into NC (halfway through already!) I haven’t tried to contact him and he hasn’t tried either. I don’t know for sure if he cheated on me or anything with this new girl, but I’m not sure if I want him back if he couldn’t love me the first time and work it out with me or if he cheated on me with this girl?
Taryn

August 5, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Hey girl!

Based off of what you saw on his Facebook, how does that mean he is in a rebound relationship? You don’t know that for sure.

But either way, if you’re on day 15 of NC, yet still checking up on his Facebook, then you’re not using your NC time wisely. We’re supposed to also stay away from their social media pages as well. It won’t do you any good to sit and wonder if he’s in a rebound. Because if you move forward with that thought, it will show through yours texts to him after NC is over. Move forward confidently.
Kristen

August 6, 2014 at 9:12 pm

Thank you and you’re right, I don’t know for sure. I shouldn’t have checked his Facebook at all, but someone I had talked to put the thought in my head, I assumed and I wore me down and I checked. I de-friended him and checked once or twice after that. I have not checked lately and swearing off for the rest of my NC. Still I’m wondering why, if he cared about me as much as he said, why he hasn’t tried contacting me at all?
Taryn

July 22, 2014 at 7:06 pm

Haha Yeah!
admin

July 21, 2014 at 4:12 pm

He won’t appreciate it probably but overall its going to raise your value.

Carol

July 19, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Hello, Chris.

It seems the reply you left me got lost in this blog. I can’t seem to access the older posts. I can only view up to Jul 14. Can you repost please so I can read what advice you have for me?

Thanks,
Carol

admin

July 21, 2014 at 4:03 pm

Sorry, what was your question?

I can’t seem to find the old reply.

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