What To Do If Your Ex Doesn't Contact You During No Contact- How To Make Him Talk

2,697 thoughts on “What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact?”

Sheena (from India)

March 23, 2014 at 3:58 pm

Hey Chris
Me and my ex brokeup mutually last week as we couldnt see a future coz its long distance and we both are at imp stages of our career. We both still have feelings for each other and he said he wouldnt have let me go if we wernt long distance. Itwad a practical decision i agree. Soon after the breakup i kinda ignored him. After two days he says he doesnt wana cut off completely n wants to remain frnds, and im still his special and that he isnt trying to move on and also cried coz he missed me. We spoke normally next two days like before but just not lovy dovy. And then suddenly he starts ignoring me , is very distant, its been two days since he is like this. Btw he has alot of work load and is tensed about his career, when confronted, he told me he wants space and time to figure out his mess and that such behaviour is not related to me, he says he wants to stay away for a while and he will contact me later. Such wierd behaviour is also noticeable through his whatsapp status and facebook. It really seems hes in a personal mess. Im trying to give him space and doing NC from now but im just worried if he doesnt contact me again? I dont wana loose him even if i dont want a relationship. And this behaviour from him hurts. Do you think its because he actually has a problem or is he avoiding me or using me ?

Hope to see your reply soon!
Sam

March 22, 2014 at 11:43 pm

Dear chris

I have been reading everything but still do not seem to find the answers to cover my situation and don’t know if you can help?

My boyfriend and I split 8 weeks ago after 5 years together, mainly due to me turning into the needy girlfriend and not having a life. We have had arguments previously and have said its over but after a couple of days agreed to get back together, but never really talked.

This time it is definitely over. I made it clear that I agreed but still thought we had something worthwhile and that my biggest regret is that we had always papered over the cracks and never really fixed them. I couldn’t move out as have a daughter and also financially it’s not possible at the moment but a timescale was agreed. I did move out for 3 days at the begining and didn’t contact him, he contacted me on day 3 just to say hello and see how we were. I then went away for a further couple of days and although he didn’t contact me he was asking people about where I was and when I came back he asked a lot of questions and told me he was having trouble sleeping.

Since then we have been under the same roof and although in separate rooms have been getting on well. He has had a few big events going on and I have been really supportive and we even had a night out together, but all very friendly and nothing more.

2 weeks ago we had a very big heart to heart (initiated by me) and after we agreed that there was a lot of great stuff about the relationship but a couple of things needed to change. His biggest concern was that he wasn’t sure if the relationship would work as the negativity of the past clouded everything and he was worried we would be in the same position again in a few months. We agreed that as he was going to work away for a couple of weeks that we would both take time out to understand if we were both happy with the changes that needed to be made and we would regroup when he got back and make a decision and then either we would move out of the house we are in to a new house with a fresh start together or go separate ways.

2 days after this chat out of the blue he said ‘let’s see how things go shall we? ‘ I responded, are you saying let’s see how things go, don’t get your hopes up…his response was ‘ no the opposite, do get your hope up’. Nothing more was said and things continued, all very amicable and friendly and have even had a few hugs. I dropped him off at the airport and had a big hugs and also a kiss goodbye. He phoned that evening to say he had arrived. There was no call the next day but he did try to Skype my daughter (I don’t have an account) the following day which was missed and he messages me on Facebook the next day to see if we were ok. I sent a brief message back much later as was out with friends. He then called the next day when I was at work (which is unusual) and so sent message to ask if everything was ok and that I was in meetings. He said everything was fine and would call later. He did call and we had a quick chat. He asked what I was up to and mentioned I had been out the night before catching up with a friend and was out the following evening with another friend. He had said about the stressful situations he was dealing with so I told him I’d send him some hugs, which I did on Facebook message and also added if there were any he wanted to send back they would be welcome. I have now not heard anything from him for 2 days although he has been checking his Facebook. He knows that yesterday I was out with a friend and we were clubbing as she tagged me on Facebook. I am not contacting him….I get the 30 day timeframe but he will be back in 2 weeks so how do I deal with that as we will be back under the same roof, and should I ignore if he calls or messages me?

admin

March 23, 2014 at 4:56 pm

First things first, I think it is time fo ryou to get a life.

It is easy to not become needy but becoming independent and having a life is really important.

ASHLEY

March 21, 2014 at 1:10 am

Hey Chris,

I have been on your website for the last seven hours straight reading your articles. I am currently in the no contact phase with my boyfriend. But my current situation is a little different then the articles I have read. We have been together since high school for 7 years now. He went away to school out of state for the last year and is done in may. Since he went away he randomly just decides to completely stop talking to me for absolutely no reason at all, doesn’t answer calls or texts from my family and I. Then we don’t talk for about a month no contact between either one of us and he will usually text me or just show up here from school and apologizes just to do it again a few weeks later. This has happened about 3 times now since he went away to school and every time he comes back around. The last he stopped talking to me for about a month (once again no reason at all no argument nothing) until valentines day and came back home from school and showed up at my house with roses and a card explaining how sorry he was and stated how things our tough because he was making them that way and if I stick things out they will get better. We talked about how it wasn’t okay that he keeps doing this to me and how badly it hurts me and of course he apologized for it saying he wouldn’t put me through that anymore leaving me stressed out and questioning why he does this to me for no reason. Everything was great after that again while he was home. Once he went back to school a little over a month ago it took him one week and he just stopped talking to me again. I didn’t hear from him until the end of February when I finally tried contacting him asking if was still coming with my family to florida in March. He responded saying he was coming and then I couldn’t get ahold of him again after that. So I ended up canceling his plane ticket. I haven’t heard from his since February 28th. His birthday past in March and I never texted him to wish him happy birthday. In the beginning I mentioned he was my boyfriend and not my “ex boyfriend” because I am unsure of where we currently stand because he never actually broke up with me he just disappeared with NC again. This time it feels different with him not talking to me. I found he recently made a hot or not account. Im not sure what this all means and what has been going on with him I am completely confused. Has he moved on and can’t face me to tell me that so he is avoiding me? Or is he just going through a phase in his life being away? PLEASE PLEASE RESPOND!! I am so lost in all of this.

admin

March 21, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Seven hours???

Not even I can stay on here for seven hours… well, ok thats not true.

What’s a hot or not account? Never heard of it before.

I think its a phase in his life.

Anna

March 20, 2014 at 9:28 pm

Hey Chris,
Im in a super confusing break up situation and I really need your help.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he has been having a tough time lately with work and family bascially he’s going through a burn-out in my honest opinion. We had had a rough week with me asking him to pay more attention to be because I was stressed with school, he felt super bad to have made me feel that way. Basically 5 days ago he showed up and my house crying saying that I deserved better than him and that he needed to fix himself before being with me. During the days after he texted me always apologizing and asking for time, he stopped for 2 days completely ignoring me and now he texted me again apologizing telling me he loves me and thanking me for understanding,
What do I do?
Thanks!

admin

March 21, 2014 at 4:59 pm

Advance things… try to get him one on one so you two can communicate. He seems to want you back right now.

Layla

March 19, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Hey Chris!

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago, in January we started talking again but its always me who starts conversations! And he replies to me whenever he feels likes it and if the topic is interesting enough.. My ex treated me incredibly well in our relationship but after the break up he changed and became an proper asshole but i still want him back because i saw how he really used to be and i know deep down he is still there. Anyways i started the NC rule yesterday.. But i know him he NEVER like NEVER starts conversations i am not even exaggerating he’s an tough nut to crack i seriously don’t know what to do anymore.. And yes i have thinked about it very well after everything i still want him back so bad. Heck its been 4 months and im still in love with him. The thing im trying to ask is how can you get a ex back who has made clear in the past that he doesn’t want to get back together again? I have seriously tried everything with him chris but im starting to feel like the annoying ex girlfriend by constantly trying to talk to him and when im mostly doing that i end up being ignored.. It hurts a lot coming from someone who used to treat me so wonderful.

admin

March 20, 2014 at 6:01 pm

Well, sometimes you have to be the one to start the conversations.

NC is going to change things you will find though.
ellie

March 20, 2014 at 10:57 pm

hi chris Im on my 20th day of the NC and damn its a hard of work but im coping,with my hopes high that he calls me atleast I wouldn’t get back with him even if he asked me to unless he grants me an opportunity for closure why he hurt me like that coz I honestly settled for less cause I thought he really loved me.when he did this its like he took with him a piece of me,i just wish he takes some ownership facts are I stole 3 numbers of different girls and called them only to find out some is the ex the other is his gf and unfortunately the other one didnt answer her phone I wanted to confront him about it at the right time but I geus i took so long he found out after 2 days not to mension I spotted a girl photo in his bag he claimed it coulb 1 of his room mates stuff but how?cause it was with his personal documents,anyways either both or one of these girls told him about me!and so he wntd to knw wt I did to his phone I was hoping he would suggest we meet nd talk about it or atleast try to give reason I geuse he cares more about tem than me!i believe I destroyed what he had with those girlsi just wonder what they told him he couldn’t tell me(by the way he goes abroad every festive season he came this side cause of work he did say he was single guys and believe me he truly convinced me) and so we never spoke until I tried reaching up to him the next day and he said he was busy and he literally hung up on me,so I hope I get to hear from him after this nc period if not ill contact him first he cant just walk out on me like that I cry for my virginity and having wasted my time for almost 3 years I need that closure is that a bad thing?
Layla

March 20, 2014 at 8:02 pm

What do you exactly mean with ”Going to change things you will find though?”??
admin

March 21, 2014 at 6:30 am

Like NC always has a way of putting things in perspective and creating opportunities you never would have noticed otherwise. Trust me. Its the most bizarre thing ever but trust me.

jb

March 18, 2014 at 2:06 pm

What happens if your ex is married and is trying to do the right thing by his kids? ( I never meant to fall for a married guy and we have never done anything more than kiss). More of an emotional affair.
He told me that he wasn’t gonna leave but didn’t want to say goodbye. Then wouldn’t talk to me.
Stalked me for 3 months on Whatsapp before talking to me then stopped talking to me again. Then stalked me on facebook til I closed my account. I have been trying to do the right thing by leaving him be but do miss him.
So frustrated, knowing things aren’t right in his relationship but won’t change it cos of what he stands to lose.
Its birthday next month can I message him then. We have gone 4 months before with nc and he has contacted me.

admin

March 20, 2014 at 6:25 pm

I think you should probably cut him loose. Move on.

He can’t provide you with what you really want in a relationship trust me. And besides someone who is willing to cheat on his wife probably won’t treat you well in the long run

Sarah

March 18, 2014 at 8:57 am

Hey Chris! I am getting so discouraged, cuz it seems like EVERY girl on here has had their exes want to keep contact with them/see them, etc. My ex wants none of that! We didn’t break up cuz of anything terrible. But, I acted desperate on & off for about 5 weeks after he broke up with me. I would get to around the 10 day mark of NC and for some reason would end up breaking it & begging, etc. This time I have made it to 19 days, and he text me 10 days in apologizing about being late on a financial responsibility we share, I was able to ignore him that day, but other than that I have heard NOTHING from him. It has officially been just under 2 months since the breakup, but again only 19 days since last contact. I am worried he is just over it. Am I just getting too anxious about it? I am starting to feel a little better but still sick over the whole thing. 🙁 I need some hope! Thanks Chris!
Jb

March 17, 2014 at 1:43 pm

Hey Chris, I’ve been reading your site for the past week and it has been of great help.

My 5-year boyfriend broke up with me last week. He “needed space” and “wanted to find himself”. I was completely blindsided because I thought we were doing great. He said that we weren’t giving each other enough time and that he lost his appetite for the relationship. I was currently on day 7 of NC when i broke down and texted him yesterday. Drat.

Have I screwed up bigtime? Or should I just start over and begin the countdown to day 0 again?

Thanks! Much love ^_^
Aubrey

March 16, 2014 at 10:02 pm

Hello Chris, I hope you’re doing well.
Here goes my dilemma, hope you respond:
I had been dating my ex for a year, and we had an argument about seemingly nothing, but it brought up all these things he had been feeling about me for some time (I didn’t appreciate him, I took him for granted), and the next day he broke up with me. At first, I tried to convince him to “undo” it, then I desperately said “Let’s be friends”, and he agreed. The day after that, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. So I did the hardest thing: texted him telling him I can’t be his friend after being in an relationship with him after a year. He somewhat seemed shocked, but accepted it. I also strongly implied that he not contact me/ give us space. I have just completed week one of “Active No Contact”, where I am still working on a better me, because I realize I was no angel in our previous relationship at all. I never cheated, or abused him but I did take him for granted at times/ not show appreciation when i should’ve. I guess I just got used to everything and very comfortable. I turned from this confident go- getter to a dependent, needy, nagging girl. Even my mom could see it.

I am just wondering if he even cares? What I mean by that is he seems fine. When we see each other, he doesn’t ignore me, he says hi and asks how I’m doing. Is he doing that to be polite? I’m never rude to him when he does, but I always “keep it moving” ( don’t engage in conversation). I have read many other pages on your site, but is there any personal advice for me? I just am a bit worried he’s fine and not really caring past not wanting to look like a “bad guy”, which he never was. Do you think I have a shot?

On a side note, this website is great. Me and a lot of other girls are very grateful. I personally like to get guy advice, from a guy, and I don’t like for it to be sugar coated. Thank you!:)

admin

March 20, 2014 at 6:33 pm

He definitely cares but there are a lot of other emotions going on at the same time.

Robyn

March 14, 2014 at 3:03 pm

Hi Chris,

I left my boyfriend, it’s been 19 days since I broke it off and it is currently day 19 of NC.

However today is my birthday and he called me to wish me happy birthday. I took the call as I didn’t know it was him because I deleted the number from my phone.

What does this mean? Was he just being polite? Or could it be his way of waiting till it was my bday to initiate contact? Do I still continue NC and see if he contacts me again sometime or can I write it off as a once off polite birthday msg?
maya

March 13, 2014 at 12:22 am

How about he’s really curious and really wants to see what’s going on with you lately but he refuses to reach out first because he’s caused you enough pain and doesnt want to give you false hopes and misunderstanding. (ut at least he still cares)? Can this be possible?
Hymn

March 12, 2014 at 5:31 pm

so, what if I told my x I would not contact him, will NC be uneffective? I calmly told him that after he said he was leaving, after I declined being friends with him, etc. He asked me to not lose his #, and to call him if I need anything. I’m on day 5 now, and not a peep has been had from either side.

Hymn

March 12, 2014 at 5:39 pm

Might I add, he was quite emotional when he was leaving and when he made his decision to do so, crying openly, refusing to say the word “goodbye”, etc. Is that his guilt coming through, or could he really be sad about ending a 3.5 year relationship with no concrete explanation? Did my collectedness throw him off guard, considering I have been emotional with him in the past, and wanted to handle things differently this time.
Hymn

March 15, 2014 at 9:12 pm

Oh, and he texted my sister the other day, asking how she and her husband were doing. When she asked how he was, he said he was surviving and working alot to distract and occupy hisself. Was that his way of letting me know how hes doing?(My sister and I are very close, so he knew she would tell me.). Or his way of letting me know he’s moving on with his life? Got day 8 of NC behind me today, too.

Emma

March 12, 2014 at 11:14 am

Hey Chris,
I’ve used your website as a mantra the last few months and I am back to good old gal! I’ve really enjoyed my 30 days NC. It took me a couple of months to enter it and full commit to myself. We broke up December, went over Christmas and finally talked, stupidly together but we decided that we would sort ourselves out and then talk about us when we were sorted. It I’d after that go worse, we ended up getting annoyed with one another and I told him that I needed space to get my head together. This was Feb 10th and from that I entered NC.
This time round I meant business. I’ve lost nearly 30 since we split, running everyday. I’ve got back on the career ladder and landed myself an amazing job and things are going well. I’ve taken control of my life.

However with me doing this my ex deleted me off facebook and snap chat which hurt quite a bit. 2 weeks into NC he contacts my landlady who I live with asking questions how she was which naturally lead into him asking questions about me and my job. She gave him little detail but showed me the messages. When I announced my job on FB a mutual friend must have told him as he txt me 24 hours later saying congrats, which I didn’t respond to.
Today is 31 day and it’s his birthday so I thought that this would be a great opportunity to open up communication. I wished him a happy birthday and thanks for the congrats on job & I hoped that he was good. I know that he read it as it says on iMessage.
But sadly he has not responded. What should I do now if he doesn’t respond.
I’m now in a headspace where I want to start building on a friendship first and if a relationship builds out of it great that’s a bonus. But I do truly accept that the old relationship is over now.

What should I do?
Lauren

March 12, 2014 at 8:45 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve recently been broken up with by my ex boyfriend. It was totally my fault for it to happen, although he has done bad things previously in our relationship as well. He did not consider any of that when punishing me for my little mistake. He told people he hated me and was so so horrible I felt like I never really knew him at all. However, there were many things left unsaid as the break up happened very quickly and turned very sour. He messaged me on Monday night and it was such a relief to know that he was still thinking of me, in fact, he told me he didn’t hate me at all and was just angry. We spoke for most of the night and a little of the next day and it was a big weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to explain myself and to hear that he missed me too. I told him before that I think we needed to both let go of eachother and in a way, I do still believe that, relationship wise anyway. I said we both needed to have fun with our friends this summer but that I still wanted him in my life and perhaps we could meet up secretly in the summer some time and that messaging now and again would be better because it wouldn’t be as cool all the time, plus I didn’t want to get too close again. He agreed but then told me he was going to stop messaging me and wait for me to write to him again and to prove *how much I care*. I guess this is only fair as I was in the wrong, but I don’t want to be back to square one. I would love to be his friend but would never ask that and I know deep down it could never just be *friends* since we loved and still do love each other. However, I just don’t want him back in that kind of way. So what do I do now? I won’t message him for a week or so but what do I do to show that I do care but don’t necessarily want him back? I just want my best pal back really.
Laura

March 11, 2014 at 7:19 pm

Hi Chris, I’ve been trying to look around on your awesome site and I have a few questions.

Backstory: we were together for 4 beautiful months. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first (and only) time… I was not his first. He had all the qualities that I’d want in a man. We discussed dealbreakers, and he broke one of mine, and I asked a mutual friend for advice. Mutual friend works with the man, and I inadvertently may have jeopardized my guy’s future career prospects by discussing the issue. He broke my trust with the dealbreaker, I broke his by discussing the issue. I offered the exit strategy (“if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I understand”) and he took it. We broke up 18 days ago, and I last messaged him 11 days ago for his birthday, and back on the NC bandwagon.

He had all the qualities I’m looking for in a guy, and I want him back. If I contact him first, what if he doesn’t respond back to that? You say I’d be in control, but I feel like Im giving him the control. How would I contact him? What would I say?
GFK

March 11, 2014 at 5:22 pm

And it’s all because of you, don’t forget that 🙂
I’m on day 14 today and because I kinda made him feel like “God” he hasn’t tried to call or text me. Will still stick to NC and keep you updated.
I’m keeping busy..got a new exercise target (posterior work outs) 😉 with great results guaranteed in 6 weeks, got 5 more to go. :-”
So my question… Since he’s melting out of my life, is it ok if I date or is it too soon? ..because I think I got my eye on someone.. He he
Laura

March 10, 2014 at 5:10 am

Hey Chris,
I know you’re a busy man so I’ll make my question to you quick.

LDR and communication issues and no LDR end date, 37 days NC, sent him a FC message and he responded 3 days later, positive with bait for further conversation but guarded. 6 hrs later (the next morning) I responded and said that I was away boarding but I would ttyl :).

4 days later I sent him an I have confession text
and told him a light, funny my broken phone story. He was cold but interested throughout but no response at the end(His issue with me was that I didn’t communicate enough with him during the relationship…. oops…. I think he may have taken it the wrong way and he was annoyed…)

There was nothing from him during the NC and I’ve given him 2 more weeks of NC because I’m analyzing my next move (it kinda feels like we’re playing chess lol).

Questions:

1. Given his behavior, do you think he even has any emotion left for me?? I’m having a hard time seeing it right now…how can you tell?
2. I’m thinking of doing another FC type message but keeping the convo going for a few messages at whatever pace he sets before ending it.Any ideas/guidance on my next move with this chess master? lol

Thank you so much!!!!

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:54 pm

1. I think he does quite honestly.
2. Chess… thats a good analogy. I say go for it. Try to end it at the high point.
Laura

March 10, 2014 at 6:19 pm

1. Phew, thank you Chris :D!!!
2. Given that all his responses have been on the weekend (he’s been working long hours since we broke up) I’m going to wait till the weekend to message him.

I will let you know how it goes/if I need any more guidance but thank thank thank you :)!!!

honey

March 9, 2014 at 10:41 pm

Chris! Any idea what to do now? After 30 days of nc i tried everything. Email, messeges, even sending him pictures of me (pls dont judge me here lol)I tried it in a emotional way and also the positive happy way. Nothing worked so far. Im still blocked! What would you recommend here Chris??? Its an serious issue for me so I need your serious help here!

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:49 pm

I am actually writing something on this exact situation. If you are patient you will have 7k words on the subject.
honey

March 10, 2014 at 7:57 pm

Omg I’m so excited about it!!!!You are an angel!! 🙂

Gal from Kenya

March 9, 2014 at 7:50 pm

Hi Chrx,
Trust me when I say you’ll want to read this word by word.
First and foremost, YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER!
Here’s a short version of my story… Met X over the christmas hols, we hit it off. Great times, super and mature communication, open attraction, throwing caution to the wind and wearing heart on sleeve. Then the txts and calls frm his started getting less as expected…me + freak out = text gnat > Psycho ex gal!
After a week or so, I just stopped! All of it, no txts, calls, begging. Then guess who calls? X. As we were talking (making up) abt the whole thing…he said something that proved a point you just said here “There’s a thin line between love and hate” It went like this;
X: I miss you
Gal frm Kenya: Miss u too..
X: Tell me truth…why did you stop communicating?
GFK: I was trying to forget you..
X: You cant.

What..?!! I cant?! He was so confident that I CAN’T forget him. By pleading and begging I gave him the power to think he was God!! My feelings for him changed in that instant. At that time I had just started reading your Ultimate guides and I call them that because they are. Immediately I started NC, at the beginning I wanted to get X back (day 1 – 6) but as I read more and more everyday I’ve realised my worth. You have built up my self confidence, made me feel like the only gal in the world and to know I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself. I’m on day 12 and I feel amazing, I don’t think I want him back anymore. I thought he was my hero but he went straight down to zero and you lifted me to touch the sky. Who died and made him king anyway? 😐
I will confidently wait to be swept off my feet by my true love.
Thank you Chrx, You are THE BEST. You’ve given me back a confidence that No one can wipe off. I finally know what I want and what I won’t put up with in my nxt relationships.
Thank you is not enough…
CHRX, YOU ARE THE MAN. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.. xoxo

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:47 pm

Can I save this comment?

Can I put it in the success section? This may be my fav comment ever!!!
kelly

March 10, 2014 at 7:16 pm

Hi Chrx,
Yes you can. It’s a success story for me too. YOU ARE A GENIUS.. I fail to understand why you are single. It’s the truth and it comes from my heart. Can you believe you have changed me and I’m all the way in Kenya? If you are ever thinking of a vacation in Kenya… 😉 he he
admin

March 11, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Hahaha I am so happy you got something from the website!

R E

March 9, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Hi chris it’s been a while..

My bf suddenly stopped communcating with me. He told me he will change his number but he didn’t give me his new number.
His social media accounts are all deactivated. There was really no way of contacting him directly. 🙁

Me and my bf is really in a not so good situation before he stopped talking to me and I really feel like taken for granted.

Does that mean that he broke up with me? I am so confused and lost. If it is a break up, it would be the second time.

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2,697 thoughts on “What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact?”