Today I’m going to talk about the psychology of what makes exes chase after you.
Now, I’m a big believer in simplifying things so there’s a general rule of thumb to live by in these circumstances;
We chase that which we value.
The main problem most people have in the “ex back” space is that most exes no longer value them. Which makes sense if you think about it seeing as how most of our clients have been broken up with.
So, the real question that you should be asking here isn’t how do I make an ex chase me but rather how is valued derived?
In my opinion, value has four main pillars and I’m certain that not everyone is going to like what I have to say.
- Uniqueness Over Attractiveness
- How Ungettable You Are
- Secure Gravity
There’s a lot to cover here so let’s dig in!
Pillar One: Uniqueness Over Attractiveness
We begin first with arguably the most touchy subject there is. In today’s politically correct climate, I decide to
commit the ultimate taboo and take on the looks versus personality debate.
In 2014 UT Austin researchers Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt decided to ask this question as well but in a much more
well worded way.
Relational mate value: Consensus and uniqueness in romantic evaluations.
In their paper Eastwick and Hunt argue that it’s uniqueness that defines attractiveness over time rather than just looks or charisma.
Here’s the rub, Eastwick and Hunt argue that people that we consider to be “average” looks wise become more
appealing to us with time. Yet that’s not what I found most interesting about their assertions.
I’ve long been on record for saying that “looks get you in the door but personality keeps you in the house.” No, what I found fascinating is that those who got by on their looks seemed to find their advantage decline as time marched on.
Here’s what Eastwick and Hunt have to say exactly,
“For one of our studies, we recruited 129 heterosexual individuals across several small undergraduate classes. These individuals indicated, at both the beginning and the end of the semester, the extent to which the opposite-sex students in their class possessed a set of desirable qualities. We found that consensus dropped and uniqueness increased as these students got to know one another over time. After three months, uniqueness dominated consensus for all desirable qualities: attractiveness, vitality, warmth, potential for success and even the ability to provide a satisfying romantic relationship.”
Now, many of you may be wondering why I’m taking on the looks vs personality debate. I’ve noticed that our clients seem to put an unusually high emphasis on their looks because they feel it’s what ultimately matters to exes.
Here’s the truth, looks do matter but not as much as you think.
Much of what will bring you results is by focusing on that uniqueness aspect that Eastwick and Hunt talk about.
That’s not to diminish the impact that looks can have on attraction. They definitely matter and I think it does you a disservice to tell you otherwise but again, that’s not what I think you should be focusing on.
What makes you unique?
Different from everyone else.
For me I think it’s my ability to write and my insatiable motivation to accomplish things.
That’s what makes me different.
And that’s what should be highlighted.
It’s the same principle as doubling down on your strengths. Except in this case we are looking at your unique selling proposition.
Pillar Two: Sphere of Influence
This is something that I talked about in an article I wrote yesterday so it’s top of mind but quite relevant to the discussion we are having here.
One of the ways that value can be built and ultimately lead to an ex chasing you again is by hacking social pressure.
This is done by the sphere of influence.
The people your ex surrounds themselves with whose opinion they truly care about.
I made the case yesterday that these people can pull an inception on your ex. They can plant the idea of value in your exes head.
Of course, not everyone is going to have a great relationship with their exes,
Especially if they were the ones that broke up with their ex. So, what does one do when the sphere of influence is tipped against them?
That’s really what I explored yesterday and I’m proud of the answer I came up with.
Dedicate your time to doing something that others cannot accomplish easily. Something, that if achieved, is undeniable in other folks’ eyes.
Something that gets the sphere of influence talking to your ex.
SOI: “Did you hear what (your name) did?”
Ex: “No, what?”
SOI: “She completed a marathon.”
Ex: “Good for her” *sarcastically
But inside he envies you.
The truth is that most exes want you to wallow in misery. They want to be the worst breakup of your life because it means you valued them over all others.
So, the fact that you are doing something productive.
Something that your exes friends and family envy.
It creates value and reframes the way they look at you.
Pillar #3: How Ungettable Are You
So, there’s a lot of angles I can take this but I figure the straightforward one is best.
We don’t value things that are easy to get.
Think about it,
When something is free we take it for granted. Sure, we may sample it but we don’t commit to it. Because the truth of the world is that the harder something is to achieve or claim, the more respect we have for it.
You are already working from quite a disadvantage in that regard.
Your ex already had you. They know what you have to offer.
But every day in our private facebook support group we have people,
- Wanting to send exes letters
- Wanting to send them flowers
- Wanting to try to plead with them
- Break no contact
- Thinking that if you just see them in person you can convince them to come back
- Sending friends to try to convince them to come back.
They may think it’s a good idea but you know what I see.
I see small little tactics that lower your value. That show your hand and prove that you are the opposite of ungettable, you are gettable.
The single smartest thing you can do in the post breakup period is to find something you care about more than your ex and start dedicating your time to it.
Pillar #4: Secure Gravity
By their own admission, most of our clients believe they are anxious preoccupied on the attachment style scale,
And it sort of fits pretty seamlessly into the last pillar I just talked about. All of the desperate behaviors I listed above are anxious traits.
The core wound of an anxious attachment style is a fear of abandonment.
Meaning anything that triggers that core wound will cause needy and desperate traits to spew forth like a geyser.
The goal for every insecure attachment should be to work on their attachment so that it can be more secure. An interesting thing happens if you are able to achieve this.
We know that most of the exes our clients are trying to get back are avoidant,
And generally speaking avoidants and anxious individuals partner up. It’s the doomed nature of the relationship that avoidants can often be drawn to.
Anyways, something interesting happens though when an avoidant gets partnered up with a secure person. A type of gravity can occur,
One that shows an avoidant how attachment styles are supposed to work.
Which means that your focus should be on shifting your potentially anxious attachment style to a more secure one.
And I love this concept because it really puts the focus where it should be, on yourself. One of the biggest annoyances I have on a day to day basis is how often people get pulled into the shallow questions.
Even this article is guilty of it.
I titled this,
The psychology of making an ex chase you.
But I taught you that it’s really not a question of “tricking” and ex into chasing you. It’s about highlighting your uniqueness, modeling secure behaviors, improving your life that creates the value needed for an ex to chase you.
There was one time when I was very young that perhaps I bought into the “clever text” scene but I no longer believe that matters anywhere near as much as the internal journey you can go through with a breakup. Yes, texting and saying the perfect thing matters but I view it as the icing on the cake.
It just makes it taste better.
It doesn’t make the cake itself.
What makes the cake itself is the four pillars I just put forth.