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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
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Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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KCLonging
August 25, 2014 at 7:48 pm
Hi Chris,
Mine is a long and complicated story so I will try and cut to the chase quickly. I met my ex when I was 16. He was 18. He had just broken up with his gf when we started dating. We had an instant attraction to one another and I fell hard and fast for him. After a fairly brief relationship, he pulled away saying he was “confused”. His ex had recently begun contacting him again. We broke up. I was heartbroken. We remained in contact as we were part of the same social group. Just when I started to move on and become happy, he would show back up in my life where I least expected him. This went on for years. I eventually married. He married almost exactly one year later to the day (to the other girl I’ve already mentioned). He has been separated/divorced for over five years (he’s suffered several devastating tragedies) and the divorce was not his idea. A year ago, he contacted me through Facebook (after over 20 years of not speaking or seeing each other) to say he was sorry, that he had really loved me and that it was a mistake he’s had to live with. I was married at the time but have since separated. The separation was brewing before he re-appeared. We began an emotional affair and since my separation, we have hugged, kissed, snuggled, even SLEPT together (no sexual activity, just spooning). He has said all along that he is not ready for a relationship and that we need to take things slow (ummmm…I’m still married so I was okay with this plan). Yet he has introduced me to his sons, re-introduced me to his mother and spent alot of time talking to his friends and even his ex about me. His ex is still in his life 2-3 times a week (though she doesn’t really NEED to be at this point). He has continued to put her first meaning he has only been willing to schedule time with me around his time with her. Anyway, after making out one night he stopped and said, I feel like I’m cheating on my wife…WHAT??? To add insult to injury, he added another “old friend” into the mix without telling me about it and actually lied to me about it when directly asked…he eventually came clean (while telling me it was none of my business) though he SWEARS she’s just a friend and always has been (she’s married too). So after the cheating comment, I basically told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He is sooooooo angry with me. I have contacted him a couple of times in the last month (for various reasons some of which having to do with practical matters we needed to handle) and he has been very frosty if he responds at all (this after telling me he doesn’t want to lose all contact). There is so much more to this story but the basic bottom line is that over the past year he has said all kinds of things to make me believe that he wanted things to work with me and when we were together, he was soooo affectionate and sweet and loving. I don’t think he knows what he wants. I have been in love with this guy for 34 years. I HATE that we can’t seem to figure our relationship out. We went from talking every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week to no contact. I did unfriend him on FB and I did ask my friend to stop updating me on his posts (which all seemed to reference what was happening with us) but who really knows? I just feel lost and don’t know what to do…HELP!
admin
August 26, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Man you guys are all tangled up in this situation. It is so complicated huh?
KCLonging
August 26, 2014 at 4:00 pm
To say the least. Ugh…
KCLonging
September 12, 2014 at 7:00 pm
Went 19 days (the longest we’ve ever gone without communicating) and he texted me yesterday saying Hope ur ok. You really hurt my feelings. I thought I could tell you my feelings. I didn’t realize it would make you mad. I’m sorry…REALLY?? He wants to be friends again. I told him that before that can happen, we need to sit down and talk. He said, IDK. I said, well then, let’s leave things as is until you are ready to do that. He said ok. Now what??
KCLonging
October 14, 2014 at 1:01 am
The NC thing worked. He’s baaaacccckkkkk!!! I’m still taking it very slow with him but he’s working at it and that makes me happy. With our 34 year history, it’s worth fighting for…
admin
October 14, 2014 at 3:58 pm
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
So happy to hear this.
Liliana
August 25, 2014 at 3:03 pm
Hello,
I have a question. My ex broke up with me 13 august. 4 days later 18 august he send me a whatsapp message to ask how is it with me. that was the only thing he messaged me. I told him hi.Than he says nothing. 4 days later again 23rd august he send me a whatsapp again because he saw that i was enjoying my life and he had a remark like: your enjoying, I was very cool and send him a high thumb image. and he said: ” so you are calm” I send a “?” to him. and he said: anyway go calm. I send a “?” to him again. He reply:” don’t worry i’m going to delete you from my list so I will be sure I won’t bore/ disturb you anymore. Than I replied: ” your are not disturbing me” and he ended with “ok” But what should I do in cases like this? Do I have to answer him? and contact him after he has contacted me? and I wonder If he still wants me? And what kind of answers should I give?
Thank you in advance.
Liliana
August 26, 2014 at 1:28 pm
But can this mean that he wants me back? And if I don’t respond maybe he can block me of delete me. And if I see him because sometimes I see him should I look into his eyes or not? Thank you
Liliana
August 26, 2014 at 1:30 pm
because he likes to manipulate.
admin
August 26, 2014 at 12:55 pm
Well, if you are in NC then you simply don’t respond…
Eloise
August 19, 2014 at 11:39 pm
Hi Chris,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for two years. Today he told me that he has too much stuff going on and wants to still keep in touch with me and said he doesn’t know when he will be able to see me and just want to chill and not sure if he wants a woman in his life. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said he didn’t say that but if I want to move on it is up to me. It has been months since we spent any time together. I don’t know if he is telling me this not to hurt my feelings and he probably wants me to move on. What do you think I should do? I am really upset.
admin
August 25, 2014 at 11:50 am
My guess is he said that b/c he didn’t want to hurt your feelings too bad. I would have rather him be direct though.
Eloise
August 25, 2014 at 1:57 pm
He got laid off and has a temporary job which isn’t paying well and is suffering financially and is under alot of stress. He’s 50 and is depressed that his life is going this badly and I am trying to be supportive. I just don’t know what to do. He is a very direct and stubborn person.
Eloise
September 3, 2014 at 8:09 pm
I started no contact rule and I am on day 6 and todsy he called me but I did not answer. If he can’t make up his mind if he wants to be with me there is no reason to talk to him.
Danielle
August 19, 2014 at 5:30 pm
I think I want to take that step into the NC rule with my ex who just broke up with me, it would have been three years together in October. We’ve been having friendly conversation so do I tell him I need space or do I just stop responding out of nowhere?
admin
August 25, 2014 at 11:20 am
Just out of nowhere.
Martina
August 18, 2014 at 10:42 pm
Hi! I have broken up with my ex about 8 weeks ago.. We stayed in touch and saw eachother a few times.. At some point he even spoke to me about trying again and starting to meet more reguraly.. However a week later (today)all went down the hill and I think he changed his mind? I told him that cutting contact is what I need ATM.. Is it a good thing I told him that I’m cutting the contact? Ps reason for the break up is that he doesn’t want relationship ATM and wants to be alone.. Do u think nc rule will help in this situation? Please help ;(
Carol
August 18, 2014 at 2:20 pm
I am on my 5th day of no contact. We broke up after a big fight, and my first instinct was to delete him from my facebook. But I actually want him there, so he could check out my updates and see how i’m doing great without him, and the ideal would be if it happens during no contact. Adding him as a friend on facebook counts as a contact? Thank you
admin
August 19, 2014 at 2:05 pm
Hahaa you obviously haven’t read my guide on Facebook.
I would say that keeping him friends is a good idea.
Kristen
August 17, 2014 at 10:31 pm
Hi Chris, back again for some advice. Today is day 30 of NC. My ex has not tried contacting me at all during the NC period. I thought in the beginning that he might and it’s disheartening that he didn’t. In the beginning it was scary to think about embarking on the journey that is NC, but I am happy and proud of myself that I completed it! Though now that it’s over it is somehow that much more terrifying taking the next step to actually contact him. I have a first text planned out, but I keep psyching myself out that he’s not going to respond or he changed his number or something absolutely ridiculous like that. I know this isn’t the case or that I can never know for sure if I don’t take that first step contacting him after NC, but it’s still really scary. First text was going to be: “I saw the new trailer for _____ movie that made me think of you. How are you? Hope all is well”. I’ve read your almost all of you guides multiple times, but do you have any advice/words of encouragement in making that first contact after NC? Please and thank you. Thank you for all of these guides you post and all the advice and words you have for me and everyone (much of the advice you post to others has helped me through all of this). Much appreciated
Claire
August 17, 2014 at 4:02 am
Chris what’s your take on this, Absence makes the heart grow fonder or Out of sight, out of mind?
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:59 pm
I think it depends on the couple.
Personally, abscence makes the heart grow fonder I think is true but too much absence can lead to out of sight, out of mind.
Janel
August 16, 2014 at 3:16 pm
Hi Chris,
I was with my ex for 4 months before he broke up with me in May this year, citing differences in personality as the reason. We are colleagues who see each other in office everyday, so it’s hard to maintain a strict NC although I try. About 2 mths after breaking up, he asked me out and it felt like the old days. I asked if he wanted to get back together, his answer was a flat No, saying that he doesn’t get back with his ex-s. I just started NC with him again 2 weeks ago. He has been running into a lot of trouble at work during the past one month. Problems include not performing at work (boss and colleagues complain), bad work attitude and rejecting communication with colleagues. He didn’t used to act this way. Now he’s the exact opposite of what he used to be (in person and at work). He’s not local and pretty new to our state, so I’m not sure if our break-up is affecting him badly, or he’s just feeling homesick. I’m concerned about him. He’s not close to anyone else at work, and no one cares that he’s giving up on himself. But it hurts me to see him like this. Do you think he wants attention? Should I try to talk him out of this, or should I continue NC for the remaining 2 weeks till the full 1 month of NC is over? Please advise.
Last but not least, thank you so much for your help and all these wonderfully insightful articles, Chris. I really love your website.
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:57 pm
He may be taking the breakup pretty hard if he isn’t performing properly at work.
Janel
August 18, 2014 at 5:28 pm
Hi Chris,
Thanks for your reply. Would you advise that I continue to do NC on him till 30 days are up, or attempt to talk him out of his current state sint performing?
Janel
August 18, 2014 at 5:30 pm
Sorry for the typo. I meant to type “since he’s not performing at work”.
Thanks Chris!
veronica
August 15, 2014 at 7:09 pm
Hi Chris I have an issue.
I’m on my 16th day NC my ex hasn’t spoken to me for 23 days.
Here is the issue a very cute and sweet guy asked me out on a date and I know he wants more than a friendship of me .But I’m thorn, I love my ex with all my heart. We were since October in a long distance relationship and we planned all these months to live together. But I broke up with him last month,I was angry and sad and I felt like I had no choice to do that. It was getting to much for me. Moving there,Uni stuff and not being able to count on him I really think he took me for granted. I felt like I had to do everything alone. He didn’t even bother any more to spend time with me.
It wasn’t always like that. I was very sad in the end of the relationship. I called him back after half hour I broke up with him but he rejected me. He said he couldn’t be with someone that switches from hating him and loving him. So I thought I had to prove him that I really loved him and for 10 days I did what you call being clingy,his friends stopped talking and responding to me .They are mad at me .They told me we wouldn’t fit together and he couldn’t relax with me. And I should take the consequences of my actions,but I’m doing that…
I’m moving very soon not far away where he lives,the city where we planned to live together , I can’t back off because I got accepted into Uni. At the beginning he said he needed time and I gave him 2 days and I started messaging him…and I got no response so I kept messaging… a lot. And the 4th day when I got my results he said. We don’t work together I’m sorry. And he congratulated me for my results.
The thing I don’t get is we got together because we worked together and because we had so much in common.
I’m doing the NC. I’m improving myself, physically mentally and I have always so much to do with all my hobby’s and I go out all the time .
I miss him and I want him back but he hasn’t talked to me and he adds quite a lot of girls on his Facebook.
So my question is do you think I should go to the date ?
I wanted to tell my ex about the date for being correct with him.
You know,I don’t know what he’s doing or thinking. I don’t want him to be mad at me or think I never loved him.
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Did he always add a lot of girls on Facebook before you dated him or is this just a recent trend?
veronica
August 18, 2014 at 6:49 pm
Just a recent trend.
Thank you Chris 🙂
But I’ll just give up.I did what you said in one of your articles ,to REALLY think if he’s worth.And tbh I realized I wasn’t evolving because I was too busy to make him evolve.The guy has so much potential but he kind of waits opportunities to come to him.I’m a fighter and a perfectionist I need to evolve and to improve myself.
I doubt he even tries to learn from the mistakes he made in our relationship,even though I wish to learn from them so he can evolve as well.
I’m much much happier right now. 🙂
THANK YOU CHRIS!!!!Thank you for all your tips they helped me A LOT 🙂
Jasmine
August 15, 2014 at 5:45 pm
Hi Chris Sorry I am writing a new post. I just can’t find my old one.
Ever since my bf and I broke up which has been (3 weeks)he would always be the one texting me to talk and check up on me. However ever since last Tuesday things got a little heated up because he kept saying that he was Glad that We were talking and that i don’t completely hate him. I asked him why he was glad and his answer was “Because I am”… i asked him “because I am is really not an answer” and he went on saying that “he enjoy talking to me and that whatever answer he gives me i’ll find it unsatisfactory”… at that point i was irritated. I had told him that ” honestly the last thing I want right now with my exam coming up and my dad’s serious/dangerous surgery this week is to be arguing with me EX over dumb shit.” His reply was ” I am not trying to argue, i haven’t slept since 1:00 am i am tired and my eyes are hurting.”
Since that day.. I stopped all communication and did the NO Contact rule as you said.
He hasn’t tried to text or contact me. I am somewhat even mad and angry that he hasn’t texted me to see how my dad’s surgery went when he knew 100% when he was having it and how serious and nervous i was about it.
My question is that is it normal for him to be acting like this.. ? or his just an asshole for not being considerate and checking up on me when i actually need to be checked up on… Do I have right to be mad. I mean i know that even if he did text me i wouldn’t answer because of the no contact rule.. but still !
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:21 pm
I think you would benefit from reading the male mind during NC post I put together.
Molly
August 15, 2014 at 5:29 pm
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nine months, in fact it’s only been two weeks. When we first broke up, we discussed a little bit, all I know is that my ex wants to be friends. The only problem is that I believe he fell out of love me a while before we actually broke up, and it was easy for him to start being friends right away, only a few days after we broke up he was texting me. I tried telling him I needed time, at that point I had started no contact, but I don’t think he got it, after a few days of nothing he texted me again. Being in no contact I didn’t respond, then at like midnight he texts me again with “so I guess we’re done talking” I broke no contact and said I needed time, that I would contact him when I was ready. Of course I won’t say anything now until I feel ready. Should I have not responded in the first place, or was I right to, and was I right in thinking that he was ready to be friends, or was something else going on?
Ammie
August 15, 2014 at 3:50 pm
What kind of text messages should I send him?
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:15 pm
This site and the E-Book is full of them!
Chatnoir
August 15, 2014 at 2:20 pm
Hi everyone! I am at the 2th/3th week of NC. I feel a lot better now and my ex boyfriend wrote me last week that it would be nice to meet and talk – however, I won’t answer him, not before September (it is a lucky coincidence that the 30 days of No contact will end in September, just as the new semester starts at the university for both of us. I thought that this way, it might be easier to start a conversation, if we don’t have to plan the meeting, just bump into each other at school, which also gives plenty of common topic to discuss instead of awkward silence. but i don’t want to plan too much before even meeting him, so that’s not my point.) He said extremely rude things last time, when he was angry, and, if I answer him immediately, he might think of me as someone completely without self-respect.
The issue is that in our town, a little festival will be organized within 2 weeks. I know that he is planning to visit the event, but I have no idea what to do. It is very possible, that if I go too, we will meet at least once and I don’t want to meet with him, until I am not ready and the 30 days of silence is not over. Really don’t want to. But I have worries that if I don’t answer him and won’t show up at the festival, will he feel rejected and because of this; empowered to pick up girls? It’s not his style usually, but you know these situations; they gonna get drunk with his friends and they will encourage him to find somebody else, or a one-night stand, etc…
So, I don’t know, which would do better to my chances to get back together with him; go to the festival and bump into each other, just to remind him or should I leave him alone? Okay, I don’t think that he would find his future wife at this festival, but if he hooks up with an another girl, won’t it ease the pain of our break up and make him forget about me?
Thank you very much and please reply, I really don’t have any idea about what should I do.
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:09 pm
No big deal.
If you meet him just be super respectful and try not to engage in a long conversation with him.
Kara
August 15, 2014 at 2:36 am
I made it through 30 days of NC…and followed your guide to sending the right texts after NC. He responds to my texts, but it takes him at least a half day/up to a day and a half to respond to my texts, and even then, they are minimal and completely void of any emotion. He seems very distant!! I have been good. I don’t bombard him with texts, but this can’t be a good sign! (this has been going on for a couple weeks now). HELP. What do I do now?
admin
August 15, 2014 at 2:51 pm
Well, its positive that hes responding.
He may be playing some games of his own.
Maria00
August 14, 2014 at 7:45 pm
I (28) and my ex (31) were living and dating for one year (we were flatmates for 1 year before that).
Things were just wonderful the first 6 months.
But then I struggeled getting a job in my profession, had no money = couldn’t goout to have fun, 2 of my very close relatives died, and so on. So I got really sad, I was in a bad mood all the time and jealous at everyone who was doing great. Including my boyfriend and his friends (I am a big believer in that girls need to take care of themselves and didn’t ask for financial help – yeah, stupid!).
My boyfriend had also some troubles in his family, was working hard at the same time. But he was also getting all the bad energy from me.
So we started to have small arguments (we never fight). But it got to a point where I got too needy (wasn’t able to do fun stuff myself and asked him to stop basically) and he started hiding his plans (trips, exreme sports, courses).
So one day I found out of one of his plans from his friend (I was thinking that my boyfriend was working). So I got super mad, furious, thinking he never considers me or even thinks that I am importaint enough to tell me about his life. I was so angry that in a split second I decided to break up with him. But then out of this anger I also chacked his Facebook to see what else he had been hiding (well, a lot of plans).
As he was spending the whole day and evening out with his friends, me going insane at home, I left him a break-up letter. A realky mean one. And kind of made a show of placing the letter on the table in a certain way. I said a lot of things I don’t even mean (about his friends and family).
Then I webt out for a beer.
By the time I got home my boyfriend had already seen the letter and he vas devestated. But I had a change of heart. Now I didn’t want to break up but he did.
Was telling me how stressed he had been and how he doesn’t trust me anymore. Of course he is right. But he also should have supported me more during my horrible year.
So we decided to have a break. It lasted for a week (we live together). We were living in the same place but there was a huge brick wall between us. Nothing romantic. No pet names, no touching, no intimacy.
After a week I asked him what we are going to do. He told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore (only a month or so ago he wanted to have kids with me and told me and everyone else how much he loves me). He told me that I had hurt him really bad and he is afraid of me and he does not trust me.
I feel so bad about it. And I understand what I did wrong (although there were a lot of things he did wrong as well and he knows it).
But I am just wondering weather we still have a chance?
We officially broke up yesterday, and tomorrow I am moving out (will pick up the rest of my stuff in 30 days as by that time I should have a new flat, now staying with friends).
I feel that I need the NC, as I too am emotionally broken. I don’t eat, sleep, can’t work. And just hanging out as flatmates (we get along well also now, even while arguing we never really fight) is too painful. He wants to stay friends.
But I don’t think I can do that.
He was/is the love of my life. And it really seemed like I was his (he was making hints about that).
But doewe stand a chance? Or should I just let go?
Anyways 30 days NC (maybe need to sleep a few days in our common flat, but I will try to find enough friends whos places I can crash).
I am planning on using those 30 days to get my shit together. But how should I act in case I sleep at our flat? Or after the 30 days is over?
And is it possible to restore this relationship (or have a new and better one)?
How?
admin
August 15, 2014 at 2:43 pm
Right now the 30 days is important.
Just be super respectful since you are still living together.
Maria00
August 19, 2014 at 8:02 am
Thank you for your answer!
Not sure if NC will bring us back together but it sure has made me feel soooo much better!
So I moved out last Friday.
I packed all my things while he was at work and moved out when he came home. He tried to stop me. Told me that he doesn’t want me to leave. And in case I just can’t live with him that the he is the one who should move out. He cried and hugged me (hadn’t hugged me like that in a long time). I told him that it will be good for both of us as it is too painful to live together and we need to move on.
I had lost a lot of weight (looking too skinny), didn’t eat, sleep, smoked a lot.
The next day he sent me 6 messages asking weather I am ok and said that he is worried. In the end I replied saying I am very good and that we will see each other again but not now.
Well, the truth is that I am rwally good now. 🙂 Haven’t been in contact with him for 2,5 days now. My work is picking up (maybe I am more concentrated than the past few months), I have been working out a lot. Reduced my smoking A LOT. Been out with my friends, attended dinner parties, networking events. Have tickets to sports events and concerts. It had only been a few days but I feel incredibly calm and free.
I probably have to move back in soon, as the city we live at has a very difficult market in free flats – it will take months to find something.
But I will be living with my friends at least a few more weeks.
I am not even sure anymore weather I want to back together with him. He still is the live of my life but now I can also see more clearly our actual problem: I was ready to fully commit (the ring, the kids, the life together) and he was not (his friends were and are his nr 1 priority). So unless he realizes that, I do not want to get back together with him.
I am also already bee asked to a few dates. Not looking for anything yet but might go to a few lunch-dates soon. Just for myself.
I just hope everything will work out for the best and I will not screw things up – I do not want to miss a chance (in case we really are meant for each other).
Marie
August 14, 2014 at 6:00 pm
What if he wasn’t your boyfriend, and you were only dating for two months, and their were some promising signs, as well as not promising and then you decided that you no longer could handle the lack of monogamy and didn’t want to wait around forever? Does the NC rule still apply?
Amy
August 14, 2014 at 11:03 am
Hi again. My ex and I live in the same area. We also go to the same youth group. I am doing NC now.
1. Should I be making alternative transport plans to and from the the youth session?
2. Should I accept his offer to give me a lift?
admin
August 15, 2014 at 2:20 pm
No, you should find another way to get there.
Juliet
August 12, 2014 at 10:38 pm
Hi Chris,
Fabulous website. The advice here is phenomenal!
I have a quick question about the no-contact rule: do you inform your ex-boyfriend ahead of time that both of you need to adhere to a period of 30/60/90 days without contact, or do you just decide on the appropriate time period without notifying him of your intent?
admin
August 13, 2014 at 2:04 pm
You decide without notifying.
Monica
August 12, 2014 at 2:51 pm
Sadly I personally caved in to the nc. It’s been only five days since the break up and I felt that me contracting my ex was a little step before actually filling commuting to the nc since I believed we left things in bad terms. One thing I strongly regret was turning the conversation from great to worse by begging him back. Well that’s done, okay moving on, but what should I mainly focus on? Of coarse myself but what else? I am more than committed now since I feel more relief strangely enough but I feel I lack of something to help me get through this without giving in again.