The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,282 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Maddy

April 6, 2015 at 1:12 am

My boyfriend and I broke up not too long ago. After a two years of dating, I received a job prospect to teach abroad for a year so we started doing long distance. Initially everywhere was fine, great in fact. But with four more months remaining in my contract we decided to end the relationship. I’ve always looked forward to our future, believing that we will end up together because I didn’t want to believe otherwise. A romantic maybe? My ex was much more logical and more practical. He thinks that even though he loves me now, he’s had failed relationships in the past, and how does he know there’s not better, more suitable people out there for us. One day we were talking on the phone, and we realized that our dreams didn’t line up anymore. I told him that there’s a chance where I may move away for a year or two to go somewhere else, and if I did would he come with me ? He, being the honest and caring person that he is, said he wouldn’t. He explained that he doesn’t ever want to leave his city because he has priorities here, and will never let our relationship affect the goals and aspirations that he has. He says he doesn’t want to tell me that things might be okay and we can work it out together because he is scared of disappointing me by giving me false hope. He said while I would follow him to the ends of the earth, he wouldn’t. Realizing this imbalance, we came to an agreement that maybe we wouldn’t be suitable and it’s better to end things now than to find out later down the road that we can’t be together. Right now we are having no contact with each other. We’ve never stopped loving each other, and I don’t know how long it will take because the wound heals. I don’t know if I want to get back together with him.. In fact I don’t know if he would ever want to be with me ever again. I just wanted him to want to be with me and be brave for us.. but I feel like maybe I sabotaged our relationship and pushed him away and asked too much from him. All my stuff is still in his apartment and I have to retrieve it / see him again in four months time. I’m terrified to know what is going to happen.. I feel like I’ve made a mistake, but I can’t face that fact that I’m not in his plan..
Hannah

April 5, 2015 at 1:17 pm

My ex broke up with me because he wasn’t ready for commitment (we’d been together two years), he felt he was too young and we had some issues which are fairly reconcilable. He also wanted to sleep with other girls and enjoy party life whilst he was young, he had only slept with me and I did understand that, we spoke about it months before we broke up. He actually left a couple days into a break, in which I was excited to see him again and get the spark back so that really hurt.

He became very nasty after the break up though- rubbing things in my face, insulting me, sleeping with girls (he lost his virginity to me) etc. He eventually apologised after I sent him a long text about wanting to be on good terms and not to be like this. He also arranged for us to meet up like a month or so after the break up. We’d spoken/argued throughout that time. Around this time, he would text me first quite often so doing NC at this time probably would’ve been best but I didn’t even think of it at the time and missed my chance to take full advantage!

We met up and we were fine, we spoke and he hugged me tightly for ages and text me immediately after I left saying it was nice seeing me. He even said I smelt nice and it was enjoyed hugging me (this was literally about 2 weeks ago). If I brought up things about the relationship, he would get quite upset and told me not to remind him. He said he knew he wasn’t good, that he’s probably the worst ex now etc. I would say things like “this would’ve been our third summer” and he would sadly say, “don’t remind me” so he obviously cared but he’s been ignoring those things and his feelings for a while. I felt happy that we were on better terms again but it went down hill.

He seemed to be getting through the break up with ease whilst I was still upset, angry and heart broken which resulted in me going psycho bitch again on him. Constantly arguing and bringing up the relationship, I completely changed.

He calmed down, he stopped being nasty and wanted friendship but I kept fucking it up with my behaviour. He eventually said he couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I kept bringing up the relationship, he said he’d never be able to talk to me like a friend and has ignored me since (about a week ago). I sent him a long closure message, reminding him of everything I did for him and this is how he repaid me etc. I said I wanted friendship, that I wouldn’t bring up the relationship again. A couple days later on April fools, I told him I was going to prank him, that I planned last year but I couldn’t now, in a friendly way but he ignored it. I hoped that would peak his interest but nothing. I sent him a link to a car that was for sale that he’d like and he saw it the next day but ignored it. I was trying to show him that I could be decent to talk to. I text him “I’m sorry. I won’t talk to you again” and now I’m planning on not talking to him for a month, I think I can manage it though I really wish he’d contact me or at least listen to me. I plan to ignore any messages or at least delay my responses if he does send me a message but I feel ignoring his messages will put him off me or after the month, he’ll be happy to not talk to me any more. Would that happen? Do you think blocking him on everything will make him want to contact me more seeing as he can’t check on me? Do you think he’ll even get in contact?

Since the break up and before ignoring me, he’s said that he loves and misses me still, that we might be able to try again in the future and we’ll see if fate brings us together and when I text him “happy anniversary” on our would’ve been two year anniversary, he said it back. He hasn’t posted any clubbing pictures and he seems to have stopped adding girls. A couple weeks ago, he said he had a lazy week of doing nothing and seemed really low (he’s usually very busy) so I presume he spent that week thinking about me. A few weeks ago, he told me that he read my love letter. He didn’t even text me happy birthday yesterday which really hurt. I thought he respected me more than that.

He wants to be single and I respect that but I want to at least be on good terms with him so we can hang out comfortably and possibly reignite that spark again but now I worry that I’ve blown my chances. I know he still respects me and he always said he never wanted to hurt me etc. He doesn’t really have anything to be angry about against me, I haven’t done anything bad to him ever, I just went mad with heart break and I assume he can see that.

He said I was the one, that I was his soul mate, that he’d never felt so strongly about a girl since me, he always spoke about moving out with me and he lost his virginity to me so I don’t imagine I’d be a hard girl to forget/ignore. I felt just as strongly for him and our relationship was something out of a romantic movie, he soon became my best friend. I’ve never felt so in love with an ex before, I’ve never felt like a break up was such a terrible decision. I feel like I can’t possibly find someone who made me as happy as he did. I still feel we’re soul mates so it’s difficult being ignored by him or feeling like there is no chance for us now. I wish I could read his mind!

I would greatly appreciate a response and some advice on this situation.
Elena

April 5, 2015 at 4:55 am

Can I contact you guys via email?
Vivian

April 4, 2015 at 5:07 pm

Hi, I dated my ex boyfriend for 4 months and we broke up because he thought he has lost feelings for me. We broke up 2 months ago and within these 2 months we still see each other very frequently. Today I decided to tell my ex boyfriend that we needed space and that we shouldn’t talk to each other or keep in touch at all for some time. I am very much sure that he still has feelings for me, but I’m afraid that during the no contact period he will lose his feelings for me. The question is, will he lose feelings for me?
Kate

April 4, 2015 at 1:55 am

After 2 years of on and off with my best friend, I finally said I just loved him too much and couldn’t do the ‘no label’ laid back thing anymore. He needed to let me know what he could do. He responded saying, he is ready to date now, in his life, but we would be too serious & he’s not on that page. As you can imagine, my heart is pretty much smashed. I was the stupid girl who waited around and played his game. I really do close him. It’s been 6 weeks. He said he would mail me a post dated check and my house key, the last day we spoke. He hasn’t. Even though I know I did the right thing, my heart is not feel better. I’m not sure if there is a ‘NC thing’ going on, or if it is just done. But I am constantly waiting to hear from him, or even get my mail he promised.
A) will I ever feel better? B) is he waiting to me to give in? He never had to believe me before when I said this to him, I always have in to missing him too much & we would start in the same place. But that was never more than 10days apart. 6 weeks is a long time. 🙁
Anna

April 3, 2015 at 11:11 pm

Basically it’s a load of shit..if someone wants to be with you they will..if not..they won’t
Emily

April 1, 2015 at 8:45 am

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago, he couldn’t “deal” with me anymore, as we had argued for the past week over the same issue of wanting to see each other…however, I told him not to contact me, no texts nothing as I needed to get over him, within 20 minutes of breaking up with me he told a mural friend he had made a huge mistake, and text me asking me to talk, since then I have text him saying not to contact me and he is still messaging me casual conversation, although, he has told my sister he doesn’t want things to turn sour. To add to the complication his brother who I care about has been taken to hospital and he keeps sending me updates which I want to ignore but an issue was that I don’t care about his family, so I sent his bro a card and chocolates while still ignoring the ex. I want to get back with him, we broke up over something so stupid but I am so confused and feel like I am waiting around for him and feel weak. He is very stubborn, we are 19, and I know if I continue to ignore him I will push him too far

admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:40 pm

What do you mean push him too far?

Nina

April 1, 2015 at 1:09 am

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 3 years. He has convinced himself that I cheated on him and told me he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I saw him commenting under girls pics :(. I asked if he was over me, he said no but it want be long before I will. Made me sad but this is my 2nd day of no contact. Do you think he cares? Will it work ? Will he even reach out to me? Should I give up?

admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:27 pm

What makes him think you cheated?

How did he convince himself?

K

March 31, 2015 at 9:23 pm

Hi there,

I was just wondering. I was in a 2 yr relationship with a guy, madly in love, arguments latterly…he broke it off and was (in my opinion) overly angry. So from reading your great blog I can detect he’s the stubborn guy mostly I believe with a touch of angry in it. We’ve been apart 7 weeks now. I admit I didn’t commence NC fast enough, but I have now and I’m half way through without hearing anything from him. I guess Im looking please for some advice really. I can make it through the entire NC no problem. It’s just when I get to the end of it…what’s your take on things if I hear nothing? Thanks

admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:19 pm

Well, I think you have a chance if your asking that.

But make sure you are prepared text message wise.
Nina

April 3, 2015 at 2:48 am

I really dont know. He threw it up out of the blue during the last argument. He accused me of being intimate with and old friend.

Elizabeth

March 31, 2015 at 5:16 pm

Hey there,

So things with my ex disintegrated slowly over the course of two months after being with each other for 1 year. I’ve already acknowledged my faults and mistakes in the relationship (moments of neediness, “too much” love, flashes of being cold, inappropriate emotional reactions in times of stress triggers in other areas of my life), and he’s acknowledged his faults and mistakes (being generally unappreciative and dismissive of my support, always putting his friends before me, keeping one foot in and one foot out – FOMO). I almost walked out on him three months into the relationship because of his indecisiveness, but ultimately stayed because he told me he couldn’t imagine himself without me. This should have been my first red flag. There was a particularly rough patch in January and by the beginning of February he decided that what was best for him was to be single and out of the relationship, because according to him he wasn’t happy with some aspects of the relationship…but mostly because he felt as if he lost himself in the relationship. So, after about a week of me not implementing the no contact rule we haphazardly decided to “give it a shot”, though in hindsight during the four weeks “back together” it was clear he wasn’t making an effort and I was conceding to his every whim and ultimately losing self respect.
This built up and one night we fought, and he told me he couldn’t take me along for the ride anymore since it wasn’t fair to me. He said he just couldn’t match my devotion and love. And that he was curious to “stick his dick in everything”. I was his first “real” girlfriend. He’s 21 years old and has also been with less than half the sexual partners I have. So I get it. He needs this. He hasn’t fully individuated yet and that’s dangerous to be in a relationship with someone like that. He broke it off the last time the day we were going on spring break. That week was rough for me and I contacted him twice via fb (he was in london) just to tell him I was thinking about him, etc. (BAD MOVE< I KNOW)
I know he's in pain right now because he doesn't want to see me hurting and feels ashamed for a lot of his behavior in the relationship (as do I)
So when we got back from spring break, I broke a little bit and for the past week I've been very emotional and showing it to him. Much to his dismay, because I know all he wants is time and space. I also know he wants to be intimate with other women. All fine and good, I get it. So last night I got to a lucid point when I realized I value myself more than through his validation. I expressed this to him, and gave very salient points which he appreciated and made him think. BUT, what bothered him in the past week was me coming to his house (safe-zone) and wanting to be around him/talk to him. I was never angry or too emotional in these encounters, but it definitely made me look weak and needy. Two things I know I'm not. So starting today I've begun my NC period. He knows that I don't want to see or contact him for awhile, but he doesn't believe that I can do. I know I can. My question is, can you deduce how he'll react to the NC? I'm pretty sure he's not going to try to call me because he's very good at putting things out of his mind if he doesn't want to think about them and I know that seeing me makes it much more painful and harder for him to let me go. I love him, so I need to let him go, but I can't help but desire a possible rekindling. Clearly something would have to change for us to be able to start something new, and I hope space and time will help foster that clean slate. I know he feels something, but it's just not the same as before and it makes me mad. I wish he could see that because he never relaxed into the relationship, I was more susceptible to feeling insecure in the relationship.
Does this example sound like a lost cause to you? Or are there appropriate steps I can take to foster a new, more beautiful relationship?
And also, because I was needy for only one week after the breakup, is there no hope?
PLease help and woman who loves too much – me.

admin

March 31, 2015 at 10:56 pm

Not a lost cause at all.

Just a bit challenging.

Pearl

March 31, 2015 at 4:31 pm

Hi Chris. I’ve done NC once on my ex and he is the mid caller guy during my first NC. I’m on my second NC for 21 days as suggested(on my 14 now) and i have yet to hear anything from him. Will it still work on second time NC ? Thanks !
Anna

March 31, 2015 at 3:43 pm

Hello,
my name is Anna and I’m 17 years old. My Ex Boyfriend is 18 years old.
Our relationship started a year ago, and ended a week ago. Everything was fine.. and from one day to the other he went from nice, loving, caring, to an ice cold person, that I just don’t recognize.

He broke up.. said some of the love is gone.. and of course that was the point were I started pleading and begging… I was so scared to loose him. He was my best friend… and boyfriend.. we had so many plans! We payed for a vacation in the summer! Planned on visiting my parents.. everything… and now it’s all gone…

Yesterday he called me.. and said he wanted to finish the fianaziall things.. and wanted to meet up on thursday… bring me my things.. etc…
When he called me.. he started talking about him making out with the girl I hate… and he was just being cruel… from one day to the other!
But, I still think that this relationship is worth fighting for… I just don’t know how.. and I don’t know about this thing on thursday. what am I supposed to say? How should I act? what should I wear?

It would be great if you answered quickly, Thursday is coming closer and closer…

Thanks in advance?

Anna

Anna

April 3, 2015 at 2:19 pm

Help?:(

Nina

March 31, 2015 at 1:51 pm

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been on and off. He has convinced himself that I cheated on him and told me he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I saw him commenting under girls pics :(. I asked if he was over me, he said no but it want be long before I will. Made me sad but this is my 2nd day of no contact. Do you think he cares? Will it work ? We he even reach out to me?
Gabby

March 30, 2015 at 12:52 am

Hi Chris! My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me recently, because he was bored with our relationship and became just too comfortable. I am turning 25 this year, and he is turning 27, so this was a really serious relationship.
Of course I begged him to come back after he broke up with me, but he told me to stop contacting him. He blocked me on Facebook and possibly my number (iPhone makes it hard to tell if you have been blocked or not).
I did my 30 days of no contact and I have really been focusing on myself, even though I do want to get him back. A few days ago I mailed him a letter telling him that I accepted the breakup. And that I also have had made a lot of exciting and positive changes and would like to tell him about it when he’s ready. Now I am not sure what to do if he does not contact me after receiving my letter. Please let me know what you think. I could really use your help with this. Thanks!
Scarlett

March 27, 2015 at 3:37 pm

PLEEEEEASE HELP ME!!!

It’s me again – my question is even though we aren’t technically exes (yet) and we are on a 2 week NC break… should I send him text and tell him that I think it s/b 30 days instead?
And would that contact mean that the 30 days has to start all over?

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:41 pm

No, you don’t ever want to give him a heads up about NC.
Scarlett

March 30, 2015 at 4:02 pm

So does the agreed upon NC not count as NC?
Should I ignore the call on Friday nite (if it even comes in) when the agreed NC is supposed to end?

This on & off roller coaster has been going on for almost 3 yrs and I just dont have the energy for it anymore. I have already been hospitalized once for a nervous breakdown and I am just too old to keep playing games w him. I want him to either commit or leave me alone. My love alone is not strong enough to hold this together.

I am desperate for some solid unbiased advice!
Scarlett

March 30, 2015 at 2:49 pm

So should I not answer him when he calls on Friday night when our agreed upon NC is supposed to be over?

Scarlett

March 26, 2015 at 6:28 pm

Okay my relationship has been so very complicated from the very beginning and he puts his work above all else. He moved 8 hrs away for a job and we were going to try to see each once a month and meet halfway (we’ve done that once). The latest attempt he has been postponing like the day before….for the last 3 months! His kids from his previous marriage live in the same area that I do….and he hasn’t been here to see them either!
Our last phone conversation was me telling him how selfish he is being. I went to see him for Thanksgiving (the last time we saw each other) and he still went to work everyday. His parents brought his kids there for Christmas and again, he still went to work everyday. I told him that he promised me AND his kids that he would come here and see after he took that job….hasn’t happened. I said that he needed to take a break and spend a weekend w his kids!!

Well all that said we decided to “take a break” for 2 weeks w no communication at all! He is “supposed” to call me next Friday @ 8.30 to discuss whether or not to even continue this relationship. Now during the “break” we aren’t supposed to mess around or date anyone else.
My fear is that he doesn’t even notice my absence from his daily life.

I would appreciate any advice/insight at all….

Thanks for reading

Scarlett

admin

March 31, 2015 at 9:24 pm

I wouldn’t pick up his call until the day later.
Scarlett

April 2, 2015 at 3:37 pm

what if he doesn’t call again?
Scarlett

April 1, 2015 at 2:47 pm

I am guessing that I should not acknowledge his bday today?

If I don’t answer friday, not sure he will call again,

Ann Kin

March 25, 2015 at 10:21 am

Hi Chris, thank you a lot for the useful advice.

My 3 year bf broke up with me a month ago. The story behind is long and to cut it short, I kind of took him for granted for about 6 months. However, through the whole last month I realized my mistakes and tried to express my love for him. He was hot and cold. Sometimes he said he loved me but sometimes he said he didnt want to come back. We agreed to be friends, friends with benefits…

5 days ago I thought this relationship wouldnt go anywhere so I just stopped annoying him, stopped message him on facebook. I thought well maybe I should do the NC. Yesterday I posted a picture of me with a lot of make-up on ( I didn’t use to do much make-up back then). I don’t know if he thought I was going to hang out with a guy or something. Suddenly he changed his profile pic and cover to all black and then blocked me on facebook, apps and phone.

I don’t think that the reason he blocked me is because I annoyed him since I have been in NC period for 5 days. What is he thinking? What should I do now? Are there any chances of getting back?

admin

March 31, 2015 at 7:56 pm

Could be doing it out of anger.

Let the anger settle down a bit though and you might find he regrets his decision to block you.

Bubby

March 24, 2015 at 11:32 pm

do I tell him I’m breaking contact or should I do it with our saying anything?

admin

March 31, 2015 at 7:02 pm

No, no warning at all.

Maggie

March 23, 2015 at 7:47 pm

I dated a wonderful guy for 19 months. We broke up 6 weeks ago. He’s been divorced twice both marriages were very brief, less than 3 years. Needless to say, he’s a bit gun shy about taking another trip down the isle. Six weeks ago we were riding our bikes in my neighborhood looking at houses for sale. I pointed out one that would be perfect for him. He said, “I can’t afford it” and I replied, “Well, we could buy it together.” That was the nail in my coffin. He broke up with me 3 days later. I’ve tried to get him into therapy. I’ve even suggested he see a male therapist, but he refuses. He went to co counseling with his last wife and says he doesn’t believe in it. I went 3 weeks without speaking to him and he sent an email 3 days ago about a silly video. I waited 2 days to respond. So,now my 30 days starts over. Without counseling do you think this relationship can be saved. We had a great relationship for 19 months.
Thank you for responding
Denmark

March 21, 2015 at 6:04 pm

Hi!

I’m a girl from Denmark. I’m not that good at English but I’ll try to tell my story.
I met this boy 5 months ago. We started talking and then we started to date. I’m 18 and he is 24. We both got out of pretty long relationships 2-3 mints before we met. At first I didn’t like him and he kept texting me and wanted to hang out. I gave it a chance and I turned in really like this guy. The first two mints he wanted to be with me everyday and wanted me to stay when I neede to go to school. At first my thought was that it all went very fast. But I just like flowed with it. He wanted me to meet his parents really fast and was talking about going to visit them in Sweden and spent the summer there. He kept talking future and plans he had for the summer holiday. And I really started to like him more and more. Suddenly he started acting weird and he didn’t wanted to see me that much more, he stopped inviting me to things whit other people and every time people asked where I was he lied. He started like this girls pictures on Instagram, normally I cou live with it but the fact that I knew he had been talking to her before he met me and he was into got me sad. I started getting more and more sad. One week we had the best days together and had a lot of fun, watched movies, went out for dinner and was romantic. He also kept saying that I was the only one and he didn’t wanted anyone else but me. But suddenly a week after he broke up and told me that we wasn’t on the same stage and I was more into the relationship than he was. I packed all my stuff and went home that night. When I packed my stuff he said that I disn had to leave and I could stay for the night. Guess that it was because I was crying a lot. I took all my stuff and walked out of the door without a word. I texted him next day explained why I just walked out of the door and said I was because I got so sad. He replied a night that he was sorry and he said I was a super pretty and nice girl and I wasn’t because he didn’t like me. And good luck with my future. I texed him two times after that with few days space and he didn’t replied. Now it’s 15 days ago and I still haven’t heard from him. His sister in law is from Canada and she says that he is not going to contact me and he is probably moved on. I deleted him on all social media to make it easier for me. But my friends says that he are like a lot of girls pictures and like he is trying to get out there and find someone. I just wanted to ask why I haven’t heard from him at all and if he is totally moved on. I miss him and I keep focus on the good thing instead of how bad he treated me the last 2 months. Why did he stop one day to another?

Best regards NBA

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4,282 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”