“Are you up?”

“Just got up. Getting dressed now.”

“You should wear the blue shirt with jeans.”

“Ok.”

“Are you wearing it?’

“Yes.”

“Good. Dressing up for anyone?”

My mind goes blank.

Does he imagine me with someone else? Does he really want me to wear that outfit?

It’s so sweet that he wants me to wear that blue shirt he bought me a few weeks ago. I thumb through my clothes until I find it. I slip it on and sit in front of the mirror. My phone dings with another text from him.

“Where are you? Are you still home?”

Another ding.

“Your hips are a little thicker. Jeans won’t work with that top. Try that skirt that makes your hips look smaller.”

I glance at the phone.

Do I answer him?

Will he be patient while I put make-up on? I continue fixing my hair and applying make-up. My phone dings a few more times, but I have the radio on and ignore it. I am a busy woman and have places to be.

I get up and glance in the full-length mirror and think I look totally Ungettable. I grab my phone and see I have missed seven texts.

Text 1: “Trying to look good for your coworker? What’s his name? Matt?”

Text 2: “Don’t embarrass me by looking like a clown.”

Text 3: “Why are you not answering me?”

Text 4: “Send me a pic so I can see how you look.”

Text 5: “I’ll be there in a few minutes. If you would just respond I wouldn’t have to check up on you.”

Text 6: “You’re making me late for work, btw.”

Text 7: “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

I hear his key in the lock and I race to meet him. I throw my arms around him and he puts his arms out and removes my arms from around him. He holds me at arm’s length, silently inspecting me- blue shirt, jeans, make-up spot on, and my hair curled just the way he likes it. I lean forward to kiss him and he turns his head away.

He takes a step back.

“I told you not to wear those jeans. You’re getting fat and they just don’t look good on you anymore.”

I am stunned.

Yes, I had put on a few pounds, but he had made me quit the gym or made it impossible for me to get there, saying I should spend more time with him. I look down and he catches my chin with his hand and forces me to look up.

“You look like a whore with all that make-up on. Go take it off.”

He takes my hand and marches me to the bathroom and grabs a washcloth from the closet as he turns the water to warm.

You know you look better without all of it on,” he says as he smiles so sweetly at me.

I watch as he dips the washcloth in the water, wrings it out, and pulls my wrist toward him.

My eyes water at how sweet he is as he wipes the make-up away, the water swirling copper as the eyeshadow comes off. How could I ever think the make-up would make things better?

He loves me just the way I am. I force a smile and blink back the tears. The red lipstick is gently scrubbed away and turns the water pink. It is a beautiful rainbow by the time my face is clean.

“That’s better. Go change into that skirt that covers your hips. You know you don’t look good in those jeans anymore. I’m going to head on out, but I’ll bring you lunch to work.”

He is out the door as I am changing and I don’t get the chance to tell him I am meeting my girlfriends for lunch and won’t be there. I send him a quick text, but don’t get a response back.

At the end of the work day, I change into a cute dress as I get ready for my date with him. We are supposed to see the new movie and grab dinner. I don’t put any make-up on after this morning’s insistence that I look better without it. I hear a text come in and I grab my phone to read it.

“Running late since I got to work late this morning because I had to come take care of you. Meet me at the restaurant at 6:30.”

I get to the restaurant and greeted at the door by a friend who works there.

He escorts me to the bar where there my man sits, all of his buddies surrounding him, which I wasn’t expecting. One of his friends lets out a low whistle, yet he barely acknowledges me.

I go to stand next to him and he turns to me with disgust,

“You didn’t put make-up on. Do you know how awful you look? This is so embarrassing! How could you do this to me?”

I put my hand on his arm to apologize, but he shrugs it off, “I’m going to the bathroom,” and sits his phone on the bar.

No sooner had he gone than a Twitter alert comes on. I glance at it and am shocked to see that it is a woman offering him sex!

He sees me looking at his phone as he returns and smirks at me. I gather myself and ask, “Do you have a Twitter account?”

“No. Why?”

“Because you just got a Twitter alert.”

I see the rage in his eyes as his hand starts to shake. He stands back up to his full 6’3″ height and says, “Come on guys. Let’s go.”

I am left in stunned silence as my friend who works there comes and holds me while I cry. He offers to drive me home, but I decline. I drive home and change into my pajamas. I cry myself to sleep and wake up the following morning to see that his side of the bed is still empty, the covers undisturbed.

I bolt out of bed and run to the living room. The couch is empty. I call his phone and it immediately goes to voicemail.

I go to the office and begin searching Twitter using the scant information I was able to obtain last night. Lo and behold, I find his account and in looking see that he is soliciting women for sex.

The scarier part?

He has met some of them for sex already.

I hear the front door open as I finish sending a text to my best friend to take screenshots of this activity. In comes my husband stumbling. I try to talk to him and am met with silence.

“Can you explain why you are meeting women for sex? Why are you posting naked pictures of yourself online? You could lose your job for this!”

He stares at me and just chuckles. I can smell the alcohol and smoke all over him. My stomach turns.

“You didn’t come home last night. You didn’t answer your phone. You have a family and can’t just disappear!”

He crawls onto the couch and fakes sleep.

This goes on for several weeks until I come home from work one day and he says he doesn’t want a family anymore. I am in stunned silence because his next words to me are,

“You’re the one who has a problem with what I am doing, so YOU need to seek counseling.”

I had already been seeing a counselor for weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS type of behavior is abuse in its lowest form.

No, it isn’t physically harmful, but the emotional downfall is difficult to recover from. This actually happened to me in late 2012. I still see a counselor for it and all of my other relationships have been affected by ONE man who doesn’t know what love is or even how to love.

My story gets uglier, but the important thing here is to point out the classic emotional abuse signs:

  • Humiliating or embarrassing you, especially in front of others
  • Constant put-downs interspersed with words of love
  • Being hyper-critical of everything you do
  • Silence and a refusal to communicate
  • Excluding you from activities in their life
  • Affairs
  • Broken promises
  • Little to no remorse shown for their actions
  • Expects you to show them preferential treatment

Can you pick out in the above story how many of these I put up with?

Every. Single. Day.

The house was never clean enough.

Dinner was never satisfactory.

I was always fat; even when I was pregnant I had to hear comments about my weight and how no man could ever be attracted to me and how lucky I was to have him.

Notice, he never said how lucky he was to have me. I would make plans with my girlfriends and he would punish me by not staying home with our son and going out drinking all night with his friends.

I can count on one hand the number of times I went out with my friends in 12 years.

Silence was his favorite weapon.

To this day, I demand answers and want to get to the bottom of issues because of this. Silence terrifies me. I am always waiting for the backlash, even if there is no reason to fear it.

Getting to be the Ungettable Girl hasn’t been an easy step.

It is a constant work in progress.

Unfortunately, this type of abuse is still running rampant. Ask yourself this question… Would you want your daughter being treated this way? Would you want your son to treat his girlfriend or wife that way?

I know some of you reading this are horrified and could pick out the abuse right away. It is different if you live in it.

You make excuses for their behavior. He called me fat? Well, I didn’t go to the gym last week and I did eat out twice.

He doesn’t like my clothes? He just thinks I look better in something else.

My appearance bothered him? I should have put on a different gloss.

House not clean enough? I’ll just clean it harder next time.

NONE OF THIS IS ACCEPTABLE.

On average, it takes seven attempts to leave an abuser.

By the time the abuser shows his or her true colors, he has made you dependent upon him.

He has cut off your support system.

He has destroyed your inner Ungettable Girl.

He knows that you need him in order to survive. So, he will abuse and then maybe he will throw in flowers or a gift from time to time to “apologize.”

Note, he will never say he is sorry.

He may say he won’t do it again, but it will happen.

Let’s be clear… ABUSE IN ANY FORM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and we need to quit making excuses for the people in our lives who do it.

Cut them off.

You are worth so much more than someone telling you how to dress, act, look, or laugh.

Please examine the relationship you have left and the one you want to go back to. Ask yourself if you are worth more than the way they couldn’t love.

Ask yourself if you are making excuses for them.

Ask yourself if you are going to stand for it.

Remember, YOU ARE THE UNGETTABLE GIRL AND HE IS SO DAMN LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!!

(This Incredible Article Was Written By Carey Ann Berkle)

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11 thoughts on “Should You Get An Emotionally Abusive Ex Back?”

  1. Avatar

    Jane

    April 8, 2020 at 1:53 pm

    My partner of 6 years, fiance of 18 months recently had a mental breakdown, said he felt severelydepressed and suicidal and had also felt this way last year – he said it was our relationship that caused it. He initially said we were on a break but could try a relationship counsellor. This was the first time he’d ever told me how he felt. I fully accept responsibility for my behaviour, I was previous abused in a mentally abusive relationship and recognise that I have carried over those behaviours to our relationship now as the abuser. I enlisted a therapist as did he but he’s now split up with me saying although he loves me he can’t risk being in a relationship with me.
    I’m still working on dealing with my own issues and am not contacting him. Obviously I know I need to fix myself first but I so desperately want a second chance. We love each other so much and have never tried to fix this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 8, 2020 at 4:00 pm

      Hi Jane, it is great you are taking these steps for yourself and that your ex is taking the right steps for himself too. This process would be difficult to follow while going through the emotions you are, for the time being you and your ex need to focus on healing as people and then come back together if you want to when you are feeling stronger and happy

  2. Avatar

    Dennis

    January 10, 2020 at 12:24 am

    Going to try to make this as short as possible. Me and my ex were together for 10 years and were even engaged. The beginning wasn’t so good, there was physical abuse on the 6th month together and it lasted for like 4 months. But I changed and never raised my hand at her ever again.

    Fast forwarding, of course there’s bumps along the road but I’ve shown her that I’m there for her and here to stay. But unfortunately I was so insecure, stubborn, and selfish these past 3 months. That I told her I was going to leave her if she ended up like her mom (mom has Schizophrenia) not once, but twice. I then told her to give me back the ring if she wanted to end things. Which she did. Once she did that, my mind clicked, and I completely apologized for what I’ve done and said that things were going to change, be different, and I’ll never do something so stupid like that ever again. Everything seemed ok until a week later when she told me she wanted to break up. She also said that it was now mental and emotional abuse that I was doing and she thinks that I won’t change (which I will).

    I begged and pleaded. She decided to go into break. Which I completely ruined when I tried to text and call her about a week and a half later. She then officially broke up with me about two weeks later. I didn’t beg or plead when it was official. No mean texts were sent to her. Just apologies, regret, and owning up to what I’ve done.

    I was blocked on social media which is something I expected. But then was unlocked on Facebook like 3 hours later. I don’t know what that means and didn’t add her back because I think it’ll make things worse.

    She said that there’s still love for me, but she doesn’t see me the same anymore. She also says she’s much happier and doesn’t miss me. I haven’t spoken to her for more than a month since then and applying the No Contact rule. Should I keep fighting or move on? I love this woman and would never abandon her. It was something I said without talking about it first and now facing the consequences.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 7:11 pm

      Hey Dennis so if you want to give it a go following this process then I would suggest that you look up what the term Ungettable means here, and work on that from your point of view of what your ex would see as the perfect partner. As for what she has said to you, I would say this is more that she is hurt and doesnt believe that you would stick around a second time. So that you need to do is be patient when trying to get her talking (through texting) and working your way up the value chain so that she is comfortable talking to you again and trusting you again, asking for meet ups down the line keep them platonic and increase the romantic level slowly as to now overwhelm the situation

  3. Avatar

    Laura

    October 17, 2019 at 6:37 am

    My emotionally abusive ex broke up with me almost a month ago. He said it was due to his own “anger problems” that he wants to seek help for. This was a lie, as I found out he’d already hopped back to online dating not even a week after he broke up with me. Before breaking up with me, he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days and attempted to dodge a conversation when I asked to talk about it. He left some valuable items at my apartment and told me that I need them more than he does. I need these things because I don’t have enough money to buy new ones, and I fear he will use these to try and come back to control me when he’s done with his own dating thing. He’s hurt me deeply, and for this I resent him, so I don’t want to give these back. I want him to come back just to I can reject him and make him feel even an ounce of the hurt he’s caused me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 9:45 pm

      Laura, this is a mentally and emotionally tough thing to go through and you are at a strong point where you know you need to turn him away if he wants to come back again. You need to read about becoming the “Ungettable Girl” and get yourself on your feet standing strong so you will never be the victim of domestic abuse again! I also advise seeking some therapy if you can

  4. Avatar

    Tykelle

    July 25, 2019 at 12:36 am

    I was abusive & I pushed her on a object that fractured her rib but I didn’t mean it, I called her names & stufg & some of my family was disrespectful towards her too. I miss her like crazy & I did apologize to her about it but she said she doesn’t like me or love me at all. 2 months later, she has another bf. I really want her back

  5. Avatar

    Lala

    July 11, 2019 at 2:35 am

    My boyfriend and I separated a few weeks ago and I just realized that his love for me is lost because I emotionally abuse him. It was unintentional. I cannot control myself. I believe that this is due to my rocky childhood. What should I do now? I just realized that I want him back. My decision to break him up was a rash one. Thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 11, 2019 at 1:47 pm

      If you are implementing No Contact, you will want to allow each other about a month or so of some space and time. Check into my Program, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Relationship Bundle” as there are a lot of moving parts to an ex back strategy.

  6. Avatar

    Mars

    November 5, 2018 at 4:21 pm

    I just got out of a relationship, where it was so toxic. The final step of him telling me to leave was not answering My phone the one night I went out with my friends I had not seen in forever. The next morning he said he was done and I need to move out. I didn’t keep things clean enough, and he said was disrespectful. He made me too wash my face from make up making me look awful before we left to go somewhere. My mind knows all this is not love, but my Heart is so broken and I feel so lost and shattered. I know he did me a favor, but my Heart will not let go.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 5, 2018 at 9:23 pm

      Hi there Mars. Are you sure you are not really “Venus”! You ex seems very controlling. A lot of guys can be that way. So take a break from him…a long break. Trust me, you are a gem of a person and will land on your feet and find something a heck of a lot better!