“Are you up?”
“Just got up. Getting dressed now.”
“You should wear the blue shirt with jeans.”
“Are you wearing it?’
“Good. Dressing up for anyone?”
My mind goes blank.
Does he imagine me with someone else? Does he really want me to wear that outfit?
It’s so sweet that he wants me to wear that blue shirt he bought me a few weeks ago. I thumb through my clothes until I find it. I slip it on and sit in front of the mirror. My phone dings with another text from him.
“Where are you? Are you still home?”
“Your hips are a little thicker. Jeans won’t work with that top. Try that skirt that makes your hips look smaller.”
I glance at the phone.
Do I answer him?
Will he be patient while I put make-up on? I continue fixing my hair and applying make-up. My phone dings a few more times, but I have the radio on and ignore it. I am a busy woman and have places to be.
I get up and glance in the full-length mirror and think I look totally Ungettable. I grab my phone and see I have missed seven texts.
Text 1: “Trying to look good for your coworker? What’s his name? Matt?”
Text 2: “Don’t embarrass me by looking like a clown.”
Text 3: “Why are you not answering me?”
Text 4: “Send me a pic so I can see how you look.”
Text 5: “I’ll be there in a few minutes. If you would just respond I wouldn’t have to check up on you.”
Text 6: “You’re making me late for work, btw.”
Text 7: “I don’t know why I put up with you.”
I hear his key in the lock and I race to meet him. I throw my arms around him and he puts his arms out and removes my arms from around him. He holds me at arm’s length, silently inspecting me- blue shirt, jeans, make-up spot on, and my hair curled just the way he likes it. I lean forward to kiss him and he turns his head away.
He takes a step back.
“I told you not to wear those jeans. You’re getting fat and they just don’t look good on you anymore.”
I am stunned.
Yes, I had put on a few pounds, but he had made me quit the gym or made it impossible for me to get there, saying I should spend more time with him. I look down and he catches my chin with his hand and forces me to look up.
“You look like a whore with all that make-up on. Go take it off.”
He takes my hand and marches me to the bathroom and grabs a washcloth from the closet as he turns the water to warm.
“You know you look better without all of it on,” he says as he smiles so sweetly at me.
I watch as he dips the washcloth in the water, wrings it out, and pulls my wrist toward him.
My eyes water at how sweet he is as he wipes the make-up away, the water swirling copper as the eyeshadow comes off. How could I ever think the make-up would make things better?
He loves me just the way I am. I force a smile and blink back the tears. The red lipstick is gently scrubbed away and turns the water pink. It is a beautiful rainbow by the time my face is clean.
“That’s better. Go change into that skirt that covers your hips. You know you don’t look good in those jeans anymore. I’m going to head on out, but I’ll bring you lunch to work.”
He is out the door as I am changing and I don’t get the chance to tell him I am meeting my girlfriends for lunch and won’t be there. I send him a quick text, but don’t get a response back.
At the end of the work day, I change into a cute dress as I get ready for my date with him. We are supposed to see the new movie and grab dinner. I don’t put any make-up on after this morning’s insistence that I look better without it. I hear a text come in and I grab my phone to read it.
“Running late since I got to work late this morning because I had to come take care of you. Meet me at the restaurant at 6:30.”
I get to the restaurant and greeted at the door by a friend who works there.
He escorts me to the bar where there my man sits, all of his buddies surrounding him, which I wasn’t expecting. One of his friends lets out a low whistle, yet he barely acknowledges me.
I go to stand next to him and he turns to me with disgust,
“You didn’t put make-up on. Do you know how awful you look? This is so embarrassing! How could you do this to me?”
I put my hand on his arm to apologize, but he shrugs it off, “I’m going to the bathroom,” and sits his phone on the bar.
No sooner had he gone than a Twitter alert comes on. I glance at it and am shocked to see that it is a woman offering him sex!
He sees me looking at his phone as he returns and smirks at me. I gather myself and ask, “Do you have a Twitter account?”
“Because you just got a Twitter alert.”
I see the rage in his eyes as his hand starts to shake. He stands back up to his full 6’3″ height and says, “Come on guys. Let’s go.”
I am left in stunned silence as my friend who works there comes and holds me while I cry. He offers to drive me home, but I decline. I drive home and change into my pajamas. I cry myself to sleep and wake up the following morning to see that his side of the bed is still empty, the covers undisturbed.
I bolt out of bed and run to the living room. The couch is empty. I call his phone and it immediately goes to voicemail.
I go to the office and begin searching Twitter using the scant information I was able to obtain last night. Lo and behold, I find his account and in looking see that he is soliciting women for sex.
The scarier part?
He has met some of them for sex already.
I hear the front door open as I finish sending a text to my best friend to take screenshots of this activity. In comes my husband stumbling. I try to talk to him and am met with silence.
“Can you explain why you are meeting women for sex? Why are you posting naked pictures of yourself online? You could lose your job for this!”
He stares at me and just chuckles. I can smell the alcohol and smoke all over him. My stomach turns.
“You didn’t come home last night. You didn’t answer your phone. You have a family and can’t just disappear!”
He crawls onto the couch and fakes sleep.
This goes on for several weeks until I come home from work one day and he says he doesn’t want a family anymore. I am in stunned silence because his next words to me are,
“You’re the one who has a problem with what I am doing, so YOU need to seek counseling.”
I had already been seeing a counselor for weeks.
Ladies and gentlemen, THIS type of behavior is abuse in its lowest form.
No, it isn’t physically harmful, but the emotional downfall is difficult to recover from. This actually happened to me in late 2012. I still see a counselor for it and all of my other relationships have been affected by ONE man who doesn’t know what love is or even how to love.
My story gets uglier, but the important thing here is to point out the classic emotional abuse signs:
- Humiliating or embarrassing you, especially in front of others
- Constant put-downs interspersed with words of love
- Being hyper-critical of everything you do
- Silence and a refusal to communicate
- Excluding you from activities in their life
- Broken promises
- Little to no remorse shown for their actions
- Expects you to show them preferential treatment
Can you pick out in the above story how many of these I put up with?
Every. Single. Day.
The house was never clean enough.
Dinner was never satisfactory.
I was always fat; even when I was pregnant I had to hear comments about my weight and how no man could ever be attracted to me and how lucky I was to have him.
Notice, he never said how lucky he was to have me. I would make plans with my girlfriends and he would punish me by not staying home with our son and going out drinking all night with his friends.
I can count on one hand the number of times I went out with my friends in 12 years.
Silence was his favorite weapon.
To this day, I demand answers and want to get to the bottom of issues because of this. Silence terrifies me. I am always waiting for the backlash, even if there is no reason to fear it.
Getting to be the Ungettable Girl hasn’t been an easy step.
It is a constant work in progress.
Unfortunately, this type of abuse is still running rampant. Ask yourself this question… Would you want your daughter being treated this way? Would you want your son to treat his girlfriend or wife that way?
I know some of you reading this are horrified and could pick out the abuse right away. It is different if you live in it.
You make excuses for their behavior. He called me fat? Well, I didn’t go to the gym last week and I did eat out twice.
He doesn’t like my clothes? He just thinks I look better in something else.
My appearance bothered him? I should have put on a different gloss.
House not clean enough? I’ll just clean it harder next time.
NONE OF THIS IS ACCEPTABLE.
On average, it takes seven attempts to leave an abuser.
By the time the abuser shows his or her true colors, he has made you dependent upon him.
He has cut off your support system.
He has destroyed your inner Ungettable Girl.
He knows that you need him in order to survive. So, he will abuse and then maybe he will throw in flowers or a gift from time to time to “apologize.”
Note, he will never say he is sorry.
He may say he won’t do it again, but it will happen.
Let’s be clear… ABUSE IN ANY FORM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and we need to quit making excuses for the people in our lives who do it.
Cut them off.
You are worth so much more than someone telling you how to dress, act, look, or laugh.
Please examine the relationship you have left and the one you want to go back to. Ask yourself if you are worth more than the way they couldn’t love.
Ask yourself if you are making excuses for them.
Ask yourself if you are going to stand for it.
Remember, YOU ARE THE UNGETTABLE GIRL AND HE IS SO DAMN LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!!
(This Incredible Article Was Written By Carey Ann Berkle)