By Chris Seiter

Published on March 16th, 2022

Today we’re going to tackle one of the most common excuses that an ex will use to either break up with you or prevent another relationship with you from unfolding.

What is it? Well, mostly they’ll claim that their life is too busy for a relationship right now.

So, I’d like to really answer two questions.

  1. Are They Really Too Busy For A Relationship?
  2. What To Do If You Want Them To Commit To You Fully?

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Is Your Ex Really Too Busy For A Relationship?

It’s a difficult question to answer because technically they can be but I’d say that most of the clients that we coach end up having exes make this excuse as a way to “hold” our clients over.

Most exes aren’t truthful about the real reasons they want to break up with you and I fear that them saying they’re too busy with,

  • Work
  • Family issues
  • School

Is a great way to get the pressure off of their backs. Of course, it’s also a very common avoidant trait.

According to Free To Attach,

Avoidants are triggered to use many sabotage or ‘deactivating’ strategies – an “anti-intimacy toolbox” of ways to suppress their attachment desires and create emotional space from people who begin to have power over them emotionally, and so pose a threat to this.

We know from looking at the data of our clients that most of them end up in relationships with some type of avoidant ex.

So, having that ex suddenly say,

“I’m too busy to date.”

Is a great coping mechanism to avoid the one thing they’re afraid of more than anything else, commitment.

The reason I’m such a strong believer in this actually has more to do with the attachment psychology of an avoidant than anything else.

Avoidants by nature have learned to cope with difficulties on their own and they value their own independence more than anything else.

So, whatever triggered the avoidant to say “Look I’m too busy for a relationship” was often perceived as a threat at their independence and so it makes sense that when they use the “busy excuse” they’re making themselves busy with things that make them more independent.

  • Work
  • School
  • Projects

It can be a little hard for our clients to hear this because they want nothing more than to be their exes everything and it can seem like they’re their exes nothing but it’s important to understand the five major stages that Avoidants go through after a breakup.

Why? So, you can understand this busy excuse won’t last forever.

The Five Pogo Stick Stages The Avoidant Goes Through

I recently filmed a video and wrote an article with famed Ex Recovery coach, Tyler Ramsey where we really discussed avoidants in depth and this pogo stick approach to dating that they have.

First things first, there are five major stages that an avoidant will go through after a breakup.

  1. Avoiding all things about that person
  2. Feelings beginning to bubble to the surface
  3. Re-suppression
  4. Beginning to move on
  5. Nostalgia

Notice how it’s a lot of hot and cold mixed in with a hint of suppression.

So, theoretically if you were to chart “where an ex would say there are too busy” it would definitely be during stages one, three and four.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

This is often why people post breakup get confused due to the mixed signals their exes are giving them.

Immediately after the breakup their ex is very closed off to them. You try to approach them and they’ll say they’re too busy for a relationship yet a few months go by and those old feelings for you begin to bubble to the surface.

When that happens they start to open up. All of a sudden they don’t seem so busy anymore but it’s a fleeting feeling and ultimately they retreat back into their shell when you get too close.

Hot and cold.

Hot and cold.

It goes on and on until finally they just are ready to be done with you. That fifth and final stage is arguably the most interesting one though.

Suddenly out of nowhere they want to revisit things again. Nostalgia has come in. This happens sometimes years after the breakup but we’ve seen it happen time and time again.

Here’s my argument. No one is too busy for a healthy happy relationship. Your ex using that argument on you has more to do with their avoidant side being triggered than anything else.

But What If They Say They’re Too Busy For Me But Date Someone New?

Unfortunately it happens.

First things first, if you’re caught in this situation then take solace in the fact that most avoidants can’t escape this cycle,

A constant revolution where they repeat the same mistakes over again and again without really learning anything.

For the record, that’s the same mistakes with exes AND new people.

Let’s not get too far off the beaten path.

How Do You Get An Ex To Commit To You After They Deny You And Tell You Their Too Busy?

I could sit here and tell you to do what I tell almost everyone to do.

“Engage in secure attachment gravity.”

But that’s not really what you want to hear. You want me to go deeper and talk about something that I’ve actually seen work.

Take a look at this graphic,

These are what I refer to as the six tenets of commitment.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Fear of Loss
  5. Scarcity
  6. Urgency

And technically speaking those six tenets still apply to an avoidant ex but there’s a hidden seventh tenet that needs to be applied, space.

Often when my clients come to me and ask what they’re doing wrong with their ex I’ll tell them that they aren’t giving their ex enough space.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

After all, when they pull back what are you supposed to do? Well, you need to pull back as well.

It seems like such a foreign concept to many of the people we work with because generally speaking in life when you stop creating progress negative things happen.

That’s not exactly true in relationships. In fact, I’d argue that desire is often created within space.

I’m reminded of a client I had for the span of about three months. She was desperate to get her ex back. After asking a bit about his relationship history I determined that he was exhibiting some severe avoidant behaviors.

So, I gave her one simple job. Just give him space for a few weeks and then re-engage.

In the meantime she was to work on those six tenets,

Here’s the problem. She didn’t really do what I suggested.

She gave her ex space but what she used her time on was simply planning her next step with how to reach out to him.

This is flawed for a few reasons.

Even if he wasn’t seeing her obsessive behavior her frame of mind when she would talk to him would reek of desperation.

And BIG SHOCKER… that’s exactly what happened when she got back in touch with him after the no contact rule I designated for her.

She became overly desperate and he just retreated back into his shell like a turtle.

So what’s the lesson?

It’s Not Just About Giving Your Ex Space But What You Do During That Space

I’m reminded of that stupid Batman quote that made me roll my eyes back in the day.

Space alone can help create desire but the goal when you give your ex space is to always find a way to lessen your overall desire for them.

Think of it like a negotiation in which you need leverage.

Generally speaking if you enter into a negotiation and you have no leverage you end up getting taken advantage of.

In this case your leverage needs to be something that you’ve found that you care about just as much as your ex. Lately I’ve been hammering home the point that you all need to find your magnum opus.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Because what tends to happen is that your exes preconceived notion of you changes and they find that “new side” interesting and allow themselves to open up to you.

Let’s talk about my client that I mentioned didn’t do so well again.

She was just as obsessed as always about her ex when she talked to him again.

When I pointed out that her obsession was dangerous and that she needed to find something else to dedicate her time to she wholeheartedly agreed with me and then opted not to do anything to further that goal.

Her result with her ex was poor.

As cliche as it may sound the key to getting any ex back is literally to begin the process of moving on from them.

And that’s my challenge for you right now. Are you willing to go to that level and be serious about it? If you aren’t then you probably aren’t going to have a great result.

It’s the mentality that matters. That confidence that no matter what you’re going to be ok.

What to Read Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.