This is a complete discussion on situations where you feel like you have lost all hope during the no contact.
There were many ways to tackle this discussion but I actually thought a fresh take on it would be to go through our community and look at the major reasons for why people are “losing hope” during no contact.
What I found was illuminating,
- Ex moved on to another woman/man
- No reach out from an ex
- Getting blocked
- Feeling like you have no chance of this ever working
- You are stuck on the last thing they said during the breakup
Of course, now that I’ve identified the main culprits I want to use whatever knowledge I have at my disposal to not necessarily disprove the “hopeless reason” but to allow you to have some perspective on it.
Hopeless Reason #1: Ex Moved On To Another Woman/Man
We start first with perhaps your very worst nightmare.
You do a no contact rule with the intention of maybe winning your ex back only to find our during it that they’ve moved on to someone else.
A couple of factoids you may not be aware of.
Most of the people who fall victim to this fall into two categories,
- Their ex was already cozying up to this “new person” before your breakup
- The breakup happened quite a while ago
Now, during situations like this the temptation to break a no contact is high. You are probably being overcome with a fear that every moment you spend in a no contact rule is actually bringing them and the new person together.
Well, the opposite is actually true. Let’s play devils advocate. Let’s say that you break the no contact rule prematurely to “win your ex back” or “convince them that they should have chosen you.”
What we’ve found is that this actually has a “kill the messenger effect.”
Essentially your presence can drive the new person and your ex together even closer painting you as a the villain.
But what about rebounds?
Surely this new person is a rebound?
Well, therein lies your glimmer of hope.
According to Gitnux (which isn’t exactly the most reputable source but it’s the one Google chose to list at the top),
78% of second marriages that are classified as “rebound marriages” end in divorce.
This statistic is a powerful indicator of the fragility of rebound marriages. It shows that the majority of these unions are doomed to fail, and that couples should think twice before entering into a rebound marriage. This statistic is a stark reminder that couples should take the time to heal and reflect before entering into a new relationship.
It’s not exactly apples to apples but it’s something.
It gives insight into how serious your ex is with this new person if they are classified as a “rebound.”
Hopeless Reason #2: There’s Been No Reach Out From The Ex
I know where this concept of entitlement came from because that’s what this is, entitlement.
Here’s the average thought process of someone who tries the no contact rule for the first time,
- Oh, ignore my ex to help get them back…
- Ok, I’ll do that…
- Wait, why aren’t they texting me?
- They are supposed to miss me…
- This isn’t working…
- Rage Quit
When someone new comes into my ecosystem I always have to do what I consider the “re-education of the no contact rule.”
After all, the point of no contact isn’t supposed to be to get your ex back. It’s supposed to be to get YOU back.
And this idea that implementing no contact will cause an ex to blow your phone up. Ya, that’s actually the exception to the rule.
Here’s the rule,
Most exes DO NOT reach out to you during a no contact rule.
Our team believes this is because most exes we are dealing with have avoidant tendencies so they go through something called a separation elation period. Basically they are initially happy after a breakup.
But don’t worry, they don’t stay like that.
So, for this “lost hope” reason I’d simply just say that to expect an ex to reach out to you during no contact is statistically not feasible. It can happen, but it’s actually unlikely.
Hopeless Reason #3: Finding Out Your Ex Has Unblocked You
Oh man, this one sucks.
You have all these plans.
All these daydreams about how things are going to get better after no contact when you can talk to your ex only to find out midway through your no contact that you are actually blocked.
Once again, I’m going to pull from direct statistics to show you that being blocked, while it feels horrible, isn’t as bad as you think. Take a look at this,
A few years ago I polled our community and asked them the following question,
For those of you who have been in a situation where your ex blocked you, did they at one point unblock you?
Close to 70% of respondents said that their ex had unblocked them at some point
So, this lends credence to this idea that often an ex blocking you is more of an “in the moment” tantrum than an actual long term ramification.
Hopeless Reason #4: Feeling Like This Has No Chance Of Ever Working
I’ve been doing this for over ten years.
Writing about no contact for ten years.
Watching people succeed.
Watching people fail.
Not a lot has changed with the actual experience of no contact if I’m being honest.
The experience most people have is sort of rollercoaster like.
- They start off super pumped to try no contact out
- They don’t get an immediate response and they grow a little depressed
- Maybe one thing goes right and they continue on
- Then fear takes hold and they spiral downwards
- Our community convinces them to stick it out
But at some point…
At some stinking point everyone always has this moment where they have to face the reality that the no contact rule might not work.
Here’s what I have to say about that.
If you do the no contact rule the way I suggest.
Focusing on the self
Outgrowing an ex
Giving up this idea of using it to try to get an ex back
Focusing on the trinity,
It’s impossible that the no contact rule won’t work.
And I think that’s what people constantly get wrong about it. They expect the psychological reactance to do all the work but in interviewing countless success stories the one consistent thing I’ve learned is that the most important thing needed to get an ex back is the acceptance that you are ok if you don’t get them back.
Hopeless Reason #5: You Are Stuck On The Last Thing They Said During Your Breakup
Usually it’s some variation of,
- We are not right together
- We are never going to get back together
- I don’t love you anymore
I think the challenge with this is that you replay it in your head over and over again. But there’s a disconnect. What they said flies in the face of everything you experienced in your relationship together with them.
So, the ultimate question you keep asking yourself is, “did they mean what they said.”
Here’s what I’ve learned from seeing what exes have said.
Yes, they did mean what they said, in that moment.
And “in that moment” is such a key thing to grasp. Given enough time and maybe even a bit of perspective their minds can change. Sure, some exes minds never change. There’s nothing we can do about that but in my experience most exes minds change given enough time.
What I thought after the breakup of my very first or even second girlfriend is completely different than what I think now.
Time and perspective can do that.
So, here’s what I say to someone who is too focused on the things their ex said during the breakup.
Most likely it’s not permanent and not how they are going to feel in a few months time.