This is a complete breakdown of the exact moment your ex will feel your loss after a breakup.
When I was researching this topic I determined that there are really four main things that you need to figure out.
- Understanding what attachment style the average ex has
- Understanding how the relationship death wheel related to that ex
- Nailing down an exact time frame for when they will feel your loss
- Understanding the one pre-requisite needed for them to feel your loss
Like always, I can’t wait to dive in. There’s a ton to talk about today and talking about the relationship death wheel is always high up there for me.
The Average Ex We See Is Dismissive Avoidant
On two separate occasions we’ve polled our community and asked them a simple question.
What attachment style do you think your ex is.
In 2021 336 people voted,
Which means that 68% of my clients believe their ex has dismissive avoidant tendencies.
I also polled the community back in 2020 essentially asking them the same exact question,
A total of 492 individuals voted.
This means that 58% people believe their ex is avoidant.
So, it’s pretty obvious that most of the exes that my audience will be trying to get back or get over will veer more towards the dismissive avoidant.
Thus it is imperative for you to understand the death wheel trap that most DA’s are, well, trapped in.
Understanding The Death Wheel To Understand When Regret Will Happen
Take a look at this graphic.
This is my avoidant death wheel.
The one I’ve constantly talked about on my:
Essentially it’s the experience of both a relationship and a breakup that you can expect an avoidant to go through.
You have the relationship stages,
- I want someone to love me
- I found someone my problems are over
- Hey, I’m noticing some worrying things
- I think I need to leave the relationship
Then you have the breakup stages,
- I leave the relationships
- I’m so happy I left
- I’m starting to feel kind of lonely
- Why can’t I ever find the right person
In all you have eight stages.
And those eight stages are essential to understand if you want to pin point the exact moment that they will start to feel your loss.
Well, technically in this stage is when that’s likely to happen,
Basically when your ex is at that point where they are starting to feel kind of lonely and wondering why they can’t ever find the right person.
That’s the stage that your ex is most likely going to feel your loss.
What’s interesting about that though is that type of feeling is embedded in how an avoidant thinks.
Understanding The Makeup Of An Avoidant
My two favorite videos that I’ve ever done on avoidants are,
In both videos I make it clear that exes who are dismissive avoidants work differently than you think,
Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.
Thus, only when they feel “safe” to miss you do they actually begin to feel your loss.
This is because they want connection like everyone else, but their deepest fear is that love and closeness come at the cost of personal freedom. If they feel like you are still hung up on them they won’t allow themselves to miss you.
In order to get to the stage where they are “feeling your loss” you need to do the opposite of what you think.
You need to get over them.
Which is a huge paradigm shift for everyone I’ve ever worked with.
But often the only way this stage is triggered,
Is if they think you have moved on from them.
So, in essence how quickly you are able to “get over them” and “move on” will dictate exactly when they are going to feel your loss.
But WHEN Exactly Will They Feel My Loss?
So, last year I came up with this legend to describe the average timeline of the “relationship side of the wheel,”
The thing is we are only interested in the “breakup” side of the equation.
Thus, the only data we really have to go on is by looking at how long it takes our average success story to get their exes back.
Our experience shows that on average it takes 5.2 months to get an ex back.
It’s important to remember that number is based only on the moment the client started working with us. They could have been broken up with their ex for a year before stumbling across our ecosystem.
So, it’s imperfect.
But it gives us a direction to start in.
If it’s true that getting to this stage takes 5.2 months after the breakup,
Then my guess is that your ex is going to start feeling your loss in the stage before.
- I’m starting to feel kind of lonely.
So, based on everything I’ve seen I believe you can expect your ex to start to feel your loss approximately,
4 months after you start going through our approach to breakup recovery.
But there’s one more important thing we need to talk about.
The Often Forgotten Pre-Requisite
But I’m kind of glossing over a very important pre-requisite.
This timeline only works if you are able to “get over” your ex.
Look at things in a very cause and effect type manner.
- Playing the odds your ex is probably an avoidant.
- This means that in order for them to “feel your loss” they need to have permission to miss you
- The only way they can have this permission is if they think there is no chance that the two of you will ever get back together
We find that it takes an average client around 4 months of working with our team before they get to this place emotionally where they are confident after their breakup.
It becomes less about getting an ex back and more about determining if their ex is the right person to get back.
At that point things start to fall into place for them.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that the true timeline for when an ex feels your loss is fluid.
Get over your ex quicker and they will probably feel your loss quicker.
Give in to your anxiety and it will take longer for them to feel your loss.
Or worse, they won’t feel it at all.