By Chris Seiter

Published on March 16th, 2023

Today we’re going to talk about what causes exes to change their mind about you after a breakup.

This discussion took me hours to research and plan before I felt confident I had the correct track to take.

So, let’s start with something controversial.

I think it’s more about overcoming your exes confirmation bias as opposed to “changing their mind.”

After all, their confirmation bias is actually what ends up creating their beliefs.

Thus, I’d like to take a hard look at the following discussion points,

  1. Are exes even capable of change
  2. Understanding what your exes confirmation bias is
  3. How to shift your exes confirmation bias paradigm

There’s a lot to talk about today so let’s jump right into it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Are Exes Even Capable Of Change?

My relationship with change is a difficult one.

My father was the top human resources manager in all of the Houston area for McDonalds and I think I was always profoundly shaped by his thoughts on change.

I remember there was literally one day when I was maybe ten or eleven years old that he was telling a crazy work story about someone who was caught stealing at his work and I asked him,

“Do you think that person can change?”

His response:

“Only over the short term. My experience has been that if you warn someone about something they did wrong they will correct the behavior in the short term. However, left to their own devices they’ll fall back into their old patterns.”

But is this statistically correct?

Well, I actually stumbled across some interesting research from Steve Rose, PhD, an addiction counsellor and former academic researcher,

When asked if people can change. The simple answer is yes.

Research shows 40% – 60% of individuals in recovery from addictions will relapse. Although relapse is a normal part of recovery, most people can find long term recovery, even after several relapses.

What’s fascinating about this is that both my dad and Steve Rose are correct.

What my dad was finding at his work were those relapses in behavior. However, this is considered a normal part of the process. Given enough care and work most people can change their behaviors.

So, now that we know it is possible to change your exes mind about you (albeit it may take a few “relapses”) the question now becomes how exactly do you change their mind about you?

Overcoming Your Exes Confirmation Bias

Well, it’s going to start with you overcoming your exes confirmation bias towards you.

The Battle Against Confirmation Bias: For decades, research on confirmation bias has shown that we are more likely to look out for, notice and remember anything that confirms opinions we already hold. If you like drinking wine, you’re more likely to remember the occasional studies which find a benefit from alcohol than the research on its risks. (source)

We are also faster at processing opinions that we agree with.

So, your ex has this confirmation bias about you, built into a breakup, especially if they were the ones who broke up with you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

They usually believe a combination of the following things,

  1. That because they broke up with you, you want them back
  2. That they are better than you because you want them back

Unfortunately this is often exacerbated by your behavior after a breakup. As I often say, most of our clients believe they have an anxious attachment style,

Whereas most of our clients exes are believed to have avoidant attachment styles,

So, you have our client (an anxious attachment) who has just been broken up with by their ex (an avoidant attachment). What does the anxious client do? They try everything in their power to fix the situation.

Which just ends up feeding into this confirmation bias that the ex has.

“Oh, they want me back.”

Which just ends up feeding into them withdrawing even more.

So, really the best way to “change an exes mind” revolves around this concept I’m always talking about with “shifting the paradigm”

Shifting The Paradigm

I’ve gotten so crazy with this concept that I’ve literally come up with a formula for how to do it.

Identify the belief the ex has + dramatically prove it’s wrong = shifted paradigm

The keyword there is “dramatically.”

So, statistically speaking your ex is probably going to be a dismissive avoidant.

If you haven’t watched my many videos on dismissive avoidants I recommend you start with this one,

Basically I make the argument that,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

Why this is relevant to you is because the reason it works is that it’s literally combatting the confirmation bias that your ex probably has about you.

By moving on your exes confirmation bias shifts from one of,

Oh, they want me back, I need to retreat.


Oh, good they don’t want me back, I’m safe to miss them.

We have seen this time after time after time.

But what’s the best way to “shift the paradigm” dramatically. Well, let’s start first by going through our formula.

Identifying Your Exes Confirmation Bias

Here are the most common beliefs that your ex is likely to think after a breakup,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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  • I’m better than them because I broke up with them
  • I’m winning the breakup
  • They want me back
  • They are going to beg for me back

Dramatically Proving Those Thoughts Are Wrong

This is something I’ve been recommending to the men and women of our community and it works but it is pretty scary to do. After all, any type of dramatic shift is going to be pretty dramatic.

You actually need to friend zone your ex.

Literally tell them that they are like a brother or a sister to you.

Doing this accomplishes two things,

  1. They stop thinking that you want them back
  2. They start calling into question your entire relationship together

This is the language of the dismissive avoidant. It’s weird, right? But by setting this boundary. By literally saying that they are a big brother or little sister or whatever, you make yourself a non threat.

Which can then allow the dismissive avoidant to have nostalgic reverie.

That’s how you get your ex into a state where they are likely to change their mind about the breakup.

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