By Chris Seiter

Published on February 9th, 2023

Welcome to the ultimate guide for texting your ex without looking desperate.

The whole aim behind writing this article is to give you the necessary guidelines so that you can maneuver that dreaded time in the post breakup period where you are texting your ex and trying to move up the value ladder.

I want to keep things short and sweet with this guide since there’s a lot to cover here but basically I want to talk about six main components to texting an ex without looking desperate.

  1. Understand The Transition Between No Contact And Texting
  2. Follow The Texting Formula
  3. Tide Theory Still Works
  4. The Difference Between The Value Ladder And The Value Chain
  5. Aim For A 50/50 Split

Let’s get right to it.

Step One: Understand The Transition Between No Contact And Texting

If the key here is to not appear desperate to your ex when you text them then something then it’s important to consider where texting falls in the entire process we teach here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Take a look at the graphic below,

value ladder

This is essentially the way we try to help individuals going through breakups when they enter our orbit.

It’s called a value ladder and it’s entire goal is to ensure that you don’t appear overly desperate and that you ultimately get the result you desire,

  1. Recovery of the person
  2. Recovery from the person

But it always starts from the same place,

The no contact rule.

This may seem overly obvious to the average person but the first key to not appearing desperate is to enact a no contact rule.

But perhaps where we different from all of our other peers is how we employ the no contact rule,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

So, it’s really about helping you get to a place emotionally where you outgrow your ex before you even talk to them. 90% of the people who end up texting their ex and being perceived as desperate have failed to take this one singular step.

They’ve failed to let go.

And the irony is that by doing so you get two benefits.

  1. Not only do you NOT appear desperate.
  2. You also become more valuable in your exes eyes and thus, more attractive.

Of course, once the prep work is done you actually do have to reach out to your ex.

So, how do you do that

Step Two: Follow The Texting Formula

A few days ago I wrote an article where I posited a texting formula.

Hook + Payoff + High Point = Success

This is the formula that I want you to follow when you reach out to your ex.

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I’d recommend clicking that link above and reading the article I’m linking to because I use real life examples from our community with real text messages.

For now, I’ll just give you a quick crash course.

Hook- Basically an open loop. Something so interesting that your ex can’t help but respond to it.

Here’s a great real life example,

You literally won’t believe what I just saw…

There’s an open loop there, an unanswered question.

Of course, in order for the entire text exchange to work there needs to be a payoff.

Payoff- An answer to the open loop/hook that leaves an ex feeling satisfied, wanting to help or wanting to engage with you more in some way.

The hook and the payoff are intertwined in this way.

It’s possible to have a great hook but a really shi**y payoff.

You need both for the conversation to flow well.

So, what makes a good payoff?

Generally you want it to be interest based.

Stuff that revolves almost entirely around your exes interests. Here’s a great example of that,

In this example our client took the damsel in distress approach, targeting their exes interest in globalization.

But the next part of the formula is perhaps the most important part.

High Point: When the conversation reaches its high point you need to end it.

I’m famous on YouTube for bucking the trend of people who think that what’s important is who texts who first. I honestly don’t care about that at all and you shouldn’t either.

What’s really important is who ends the conversation first.

End it at the high point and it’s even better.

Follow this formula consistently across your texting conversations and you’ll already be ahead of most people who text their ex after a breakup.

But following a simple formula is only one small piece of the puzzle.

Step Three: Tide Theory Still Works

Ex Boyfriend Recovery was founded in 2012. Over ten years ago. Only a handful of the original strategies I preached are still relevant today. Most have been replaced with more effective approaches to the breakup period.

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The lone holdovers from the original era are,

  1. The No Contact Rule
  2. The Value Ladder
  3. Tide Theory

It’s that last one, tide theory, that doesn’t get anywhere near the facetime as the others.

The concept is simple.

Just like the tide going from low to high is gradual so too should your progression of texting your ex.

The overall amount of texts that you exchange with your ex should gradually increase.

Yes, that means that at first the entirety of your texting conversation with your ex after no contact should look like this,

Except in this example the client made a mistake.

They let their ex end the conversation but that’s distracting from the point I’m trying to make.

The first conversation you have through text after no contact is always going to be quick.

But you are slowly trying to grow it.

It sort of compounds,

  • Day 1: 1 Text
  • Day 2: 2 Texts
  • Day 3: 4 Texts
  • Day 4: 8 Texts
  • Day 5: 16 Texts
  • Day 6: 32 Texts
  • Day 7: 64 Texts

This is tide theory. Do you have to follow it to a T? No, but you do have to have progress that progressively increases over time.

Step Four: The Difference Between The Value Ladder And The Value Chain

Everyone confuses this because the two terms are often used interchangeably.

Thus far we’ve talked about how many texts you should be sending over time with your ex via Tide Theory. We’ve even talked about how to start conversations via our Texting Formula.

Know what I haven’t touched on.

The contents of the text messages.

That’s where the value chain comes into play.

See this,

This is the value ladder.

See this,

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This is the value chain.

And you can see both of them here,

Circled in blue is the value ladder.

Circled in purple is the value chain.

With the value chain you are trying to slowly breach new topics and just like everything, you don’t go from zero to sixty.

You go from zero to ten, ten to fifteen, so on and so forth.

But when it comes to conversations what does that look like?

Slowly work that value chain.

In texting alone you are probably only going to get halfway up the chain before advancing to the phone call phase or the meetup phase.

But how do you know any of this is working?

Step Five: Aim For A 50/50 Split

Whenever you are texting an ex one of the best indicators on if things are going well or not going well has to do with the split or ratio.

You are always looking for a 1 to 1 ratio.

Meaning for every one text that your ex sends you are sending one in return.

Refer to the graphic below for what is good and what is not good.

  • Not Good: (Ex) Sends 0 Texts (You) Send 1+ Text
  • Good: (Ex) Sends 1 Text (You) Send 1 Text
  • Excellent (Ex) Sends 1+ Texts (You) Send 1 Text

Follow these five guidelines and it’s highly unlikely that you’ll text your ex looking overly desperate.

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2 thoughts on “How To Text Your Ex Without Looking Desperate”

  1. Liza

    February 11, 2023 at 11:15 am

    Hi Chris,

    Super interesting and clarifying article. I am triggered by this part that you wrote:
    “Except in this example the client made a mistake.

    They let their ex end the conversation but that’s distracting from the point I’m trying to make.”

    What is your take on ending a conversation? Should it always be me?


    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      February 24, 2023 at 12:10 pm

      Hi Liza, yes you need to be ending your conversations rather than your ex. Close to every time possible