Today we’re going to talk about what actually makes exes think about you in the post breakup period. My team and I have been studying this for a while now and believe it or not we found that one quality, above all others, is what matters when it comes to this.
And no, it’s not,
Saying the right things.
In fact, if you do this correctly you won’t have to say anything.
So, what is it?
Well, you’ll have to keep reading to find it out but first I need to introduce some basic building blocks so you can get a handle on the argument I’m trying to make.
Let’s start with the Sphere of Influence.
Introducing The Sphere of Influence
Yesterday I was reading through the comments of my most recent YouTube video and was struck by this one,
Apologies if it’s too small to read.
Basically it says,
This 100%. Whenever I have a new Store Manager take their own store. I talk to them the day before and they are usually scared. I give them one piece of advice. Surround yourself with people who can do what you can not do. This is advice have have given to many managers over the years, yet I have never thought to incorporate it into my own life. Thank you Chris for putting that into perspective! You are truly amazing!!
Basically it’s the old adage of,
“You are who you surround yourself with.”
And this is the essence of the sphere of influence.
SOI: A collection of individuals who you surround yourself with, whose opinions can sway your thinking.
Take a look at this graphic,
This is the sphere of influence.
Notice that there are four distinct categories,
- Intimate relationships: Their opinions matter greatly to you
- Close relationships: Their opinions also matter a great deal
- Casual relationships: Their opinions aren’t as crucial but we still take them into account
- Distant acquaintances: We don’t take their opinions into account much at all
This is the sphere of influence.
The idea is that who your ex surrounds themselves with matters a great deal. It’s not necessarily going to change their mind outright but it’s a little like inception, all it takes is the planting of an idea and that idea can grow until it consumes them.
So, what is this “one thing” that can make your ex think about you that I keep teasing
Well, I like to call it the “selling theory.”
The Selling Theory
Let’s step out of the relationship world for a little bit and talk about the business one.
How does one make a sale?
Is it as simple as a customer,
- And trusting you?
I think that’s a part of it. But according to this forbes article,
Recommendations are the #1 factor across all stages of the purchase cycle, from becoming initially aware of a product right on through to the actual purchase decision. Other areas, such as advertising or online sources of information, are important for one or another phase but not throughout. And none are as important as recommendations.
And it makes sense.
I’m a lot more likely to buy something if it’s recommended by someone I know as opposed to me finding it on my own. Sometimes it’s as simple as jealousy. Someone I know has some really cool headphones and I think, “I want those.” So, I go buy those.
And then I go into debt.
Which is a whole other story I don’t want to get into right now 😉 .
But relationships kind of work the same way when it comes to the sphere of influence.
Take two people.
Person A has a great relationship with your sphere of influence. Your family loves them. Your friends love them. Hell, even your coworkers love them.
Person B on the other hand has a horrible relationship with your sphere of influence. Your family hates them. Your friends hat them. Hell, even your coworkers hate them.
So, to put this in “product terms.”
Person A is a lot more likely to get the recommendation.
Now, your ex is a lot more likely to listen to those individuals who they surround themselves with the closest which means there’s usually only a handful of people whose “stamp of approval” matters the most.
Except this article is really focused on something a bit different. What is it that garners the attention of an ex?
My argument is that you need to do something so impressive that even your exes sphere of influence (who may very well hate you) sit up and take notice of.
I’ll give you an example.
Lately I’ve been watching a lot of triathlon content on YouTube. One of the pieces of content that constantly gets recommended to me is this video right here,
Don’t know the guy.
Have know affiliation with him.
But I watched the video and came away super impressed. I mean, this dude travelled to Cancun to compete in a triathlon after training for months. He’s in incredible shape, completed it and by the looks of his YouTube channel it seems he’s done even crazier stuff,
Stuff like finishing a running race of 100 miles.
Do you think when someone talks about his accomplishments they aren’t going to be impressed? I mean, I am. Even if someone completely hates this dude they still will have to admit that what he’s doing is out of this world impressive.
THAT is how you get your exes attention. THAT is how you can make your ex think about you.
Hack their sphere of influence by doing something so impressive that your ex hears about it from the people who they trust the most.
There’s just one problem.
Most people reading this aren’t in a frame of mind where they think they are capable of great things.
This is due to either
- Lack of Discipline
- Poor Goals
The typical excuses.
They’d rather sit on the couch, feeling sorry for themselves and scroll through Netflix for the latest Selling Sunset episode.
I have one rule for myself and I don’t often break it.
I’m not allowed to do anything “fun” until I’ve done something to earn it. How do you earn it? By making meaningful progress with your goals.
For me, that’s filling up my trinity.
So, let me take you through an average day in my life to show you what I think a perfect day looks like and I promise this does relate to making an ex think about you because I believe I am doing something noteworthy.
So, trinity goals,
- Health: Train For An Iron Man
- Wealth: Writing for this website, filming YouTube videos and writing a book
- Relationships: Spending time with my daughters and wife.
That’s a perfect day for me.
So, here’s what it looked like.
I realize that screenshot may look a bit confusing to you but that’s basically my time tracking software. On average I like to work on work stuff for between 6-8 hours per day. Now, each of the work stuff is intended to be noteworthy at some point. Meaning it’ll get recognized by other people.
But my schedule is a little weird.
I currently have a newborn so often I find I’m up till 3:30 AM trying to get my work done for the day.
Anyways, let’s take a look at the schedule from a trinity based perspective.
This is the only thing that I don’t track on the timing app above. Luckily, I tracked my workout yesterday on my Apple Watch,
I rode the exercise bike for an hour which was about 17 miles.
I’m actually trying for a 100 mile week this week so basically here’s how it’ll break down.
Mon – 17 miles
Tue – 17 miles
Wed – 17 miles
Thur – 20 miles
Fri – Rest
Sat – 30 miles
Sun – Rest
Anyways, the end goal is to get into good enough shape to complete an iron man. I’m still recovering from knee surgery so all I’ve been cleared to do is the exercise bike but by gosh, I’ll be the best darn exercise biker in the world.
As you can see from above, I spent about eight hours on wealth based stuff yesterday and finished working at 3:30 am.
- I wrote for almost three hours and forty mintues on my book. I’m writing a fantasy novel.
- I spent over two hours talking to an editor that I hired for that book as he was giving me notes on how to improve
- I also spent a little over two hours planning and filming videos for YouTube.
Yesterday was my big book writing day so the rest of the week will feature more work on writing articles, managing people, coaching, etc.
But everything wealth based is designed so that I can not only make money but feel fulfilled doing it. Also, I’m writing a fantasy novel and if all goes according to plan it’ll definitely be something noteworthy. Hopefully in a positive way.
Again, not charted here but I spent about three and a half hours with my family just playing with them, and trying my best to be present.
For me, yesterday was a perfect day.
I worked hard, pushed each of my goals forward and I felt I earned the ability to goof off. Of course, I barely had any time to goof off but in the hour it took me to fall asleep I just did whatever I wanted.
This is what it takes to do something noteworthy. And this is why most people don’t do anything noteworthy. To you it may not look like fun. It requires discipline. There are very few “off days.” But I know this much is true. The more disciplined I am. The more adamant I am about getting better at my craft the more likely I’ll be able to do something that gets others talking.
I’ll post about it on social media.
People will talk.
They’ll say, wow, look at what this guy accomplished.
That is how you get your exes sphere of influences attention. It’s by doing the stuff you don’t want to do. I mean, do you really think I wanted to sit down and write for almost four hours? Do you think I wanted to ride the bike for 17 miles. Do you think I wanted to film a video and act like I was super happy when inside I was exhausted?
But that doesn’t matter.
All that matters is the mission. The one skill I feel I have is that I can grind. I know that when other people are resting, I’m working. I know that when other people are having fun, I’m working.
Sure, I take days off, here and there but as a whole, I don’t feel right until I get my work done.
Most people, going through breakups, could stand to live their lives in the same way. In the end, their life becomes less about “getting an exes attention” and more about giving yourself attention.