This is a complete guide on how to make a man desire you.
In this in-depth guide you’re going to learn,
- How To Adopt An Ungettable Lifestyle
- Why You Need To Start Asking Why Instead Of What
- Why You Need To Employ The EPIC Method For Conversations
- How To Institute Tactical Empathy
- How To Get A Guys Sphere of Influence On Your Side
- How To Tap Into His Hero Complex
- Why You Need To Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
- How To Adopt A Secure Attachment Style
So, if you’re ready to go all in with making a man desire you then this guide is for you.
Let’s get started.
Desire Method #1: Adopt An Ungettable Lifestyle
Perhaps no idea I’ve come up with on Ex Boyfriend Recovery has resonated with women more than “the ungettable girl.”
Simply defined as the woman all men want but no man can get.
The ungettable girl acts as a north star for all women to aspire towards and if you want to make a man desire you then you need to start shifting your lifestyle from normalized to more ungettable.
So, what does that look like exactly and how will doing it make you more desirable towards men?
The big problem we see with most women is a simple time management one.
They make their entire lives about “getting the guy” which inevitably leads them to neglect areas that can actually help them get the guy.
If you’re not familiar with my trinity concept then it’s something you need to embrace right away.
Essentially your life can be divided up into three distinct categories.
The end goal should always be to achieve a balance among the three yet at the same time the goal is practically impossible as there isn’t enough time in the day to max each level out.
That’s ok though because for our purposes we are talking about helping you live a more meaningful life without needing men.
Ironically shifting your focus internally instead of externally makes you more desirable towards all men.
Because it looks like you have more important things in your life instead of getting into a relationship.
Every guy wants to be the one to dominate your time and there’s competition.
Truly an ungettable move.
Desire Method #2: Start Asking Why Instead Of What
One of the best ways to become more desirable to men occurs in the way you have conversations with them.
Specifically, I want you to get used to asking why instead of what.
Conversations can only be meaningful when you get down to the essence of what sets someones soul on fire and you can’t really figure that out by asking “what.”
I’ll give you an example.
The struggle most women have when they enter into a rapport building phase with a guy is that they fail to use open ended questions.
Let’s use music as an example. Let’s say that you’re on a date with a guy and you ask him “what kind of music do you like?”
The guy takes a moment to think and responds with a simple,
“Rock and Roll.”
The average woman will respond by going,
“Oh, WHAT rock and roll band do you like?”
There are literally only a handful of responses a guy can give to this and they won’t really set his soul on fire. Instead, if you want to have a more meaningful conversation and touch his soul then you should respond like this,
“Oh, WHY do you like rock and roll so much?”
Do you see how much more interesting that question is? All of a sudden the guy has to become introspective and think about something deeper and you can have a conversation that’s more meaningful.
Now, there will be some women who grow afraid of asking this question because they think the man will respond with a simple,
“I don’t know”
But there’s a playful response you can use if he does this
“Well, let’s find out!!!”
Remember, if you want to have more meaningful conversations start asking why instead of what.
Desire Method #3: The FORD Method Vs. The EPIC Method
So, we’ve already established that one of the big keys towards becoming more desirable to men is having meaningful conversations.
We’ve talked about the “why” vs “what” mentality but we haven’t touched on the categories of conversations you have.
A simple Google search will tell you that if you want to have more “meaningful” conversations with someone you should employ the FORD method which is an acronym.
FORD Method: (Small Talk)
While I do think there is some value to the ford method from a topical standpoint I’m not in love with it totally because it lacks the type of depth that sets you apart. So, upon researching I stumbled across this YouTube channel that started talking about a potential replacement for the FORD method that can allow you to have more meaningful conversations called the epic method.
EPIC Method: (Meaningful Talk)
What I really love about the EPIC method is it stays on brand with the “Why” vs “What” conversation. By inquiring about experiences or perspectives it gets to the bottom of the “why” instead of touching the surface of “what.”
Desire Method #4: Institute Tactical Empathy
I started my career helping individuals try to convince ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends to come back.
In many cases I have been very successful but when I started my career I’m sad to say that I wasn’t.
That’s often how it goes though.
When you try something for the first time you aren’t going to see the best possible results. It’s only through training and experience that those results come.
At about year five I felt I had enough data to start making some determinations and after sitting back for a month like a mad scientist dissecting everything what I found shocked me.
At the beginning of my career my assumption was that the key to winning an ex back was through sympathy.
This is false.
In fact, it might be the single biggest mistake that you can make.
The key to winning an ex back is actually through empathy.
The difference in meaning is usually explained with some variation of the following: sympathy is when you share the feelings of another; empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them.
Ultimately it boils down to not necessarily sharing the feelings of your partner but understanding them.
It sounds like such a simple concept but you’d be surprised at how many people fail to truly understand what their partner is feeling or even what their partner wants.
John Gottman, the father of all “save your marriage” systems even has this baked into his philosophy. He just uses different terminology but you can watch some of his interviews where he talks about how he got his first book published.
He ended up going to the publisher and tried to get them to pour money into advertising the book. The issue was that the publisher didn’t want to do it since they didn’t think his book would be successful.
The publisher asked him one simple question,
“Give me one thing you would say to help me have a stronger marriage with my wife.”
Gottman simply replied,
“Understand what her dreams are.”
The publisher immediately got up and left the room which left Gottman feeling pretty bad since he thought his book wasn’t going to get published.
Ultimately, the publisher left work, hopped on a subway to go home and talk to his wife.
He realized that he didn’t even know what his own wife’s dreams are.
After that, Gottman had his book published and he’s the success we see today.
All because of empathy.
The ability to understand what your partner feels or wants.
I originally heard about the concept of Tactical Empathy through Chris Voss a world renowned hostage negotiator.
I was blown away when I noticed Chris Voss begin talking about this concept of “Tactical Empathy” in his hostage negotiation.
It’s all about being genuinely interested in what the other side wants and not suppressing emotions (which he came to the conclusion is impossible to do in the first place.)
Instead, if you do try to suppress something it should be negative thoughts, fears and frustration.
On the flip side, it aims to magnify positive feelings.
Ultimately tactical empathy is all about listening and understanding the other sides point of view.
This is especially relevant when looking at desire. If you can make a guy that you’re interested in feel heard and understood it’s going to immediately set you apart from the competition.
Desire Method #5: The Sphere Of Influence
The sphere of influence concept is actually very underrated when it comes to building desire within men.
So, what is the sphere of influence?
Simply put the people who a man surrounds himself with whose opinions he really cares about can have an impact on his eventual relationship decisions.
Take a look at this graphic.
This is a perfect way of showing you the different types of relationships and their impact on a man.
- Intimate Relationships = Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband, Wife
- Close Relationships: Best Friends, Family Members
- Casual Relationships: Work Colleagues,
- Distant Acquaintances: Long Lost Friends, Strangers You Share An Interesting Conversation With
Generally it’s the intimate relationships and close relationships who outline the true sphere of influence.
So, how does it work?
Imagine you have a really great relationship with your guys family. So much so that when you aren’t around they act as advocates for you.
“You should date that girl.”
“Why did you leave that girl?”
Essentially they do your work for you.
While this may be initially annoying to a guy eventually he can start to buy into the narrative and if we’re being totally honest it’s a lot easier to date someone who your friends and family already love.
Of course, a double edged sword can exist with the sphere of influence.
Instead of liking you the SOI can hate you and work against you. This is why it can be important to maintain a good relationship with the people men surround themselves with.
Desire Method #6: Tapping Into His Hero Complex
As you can probably tell from the name of our website we got our start helping women through breakups.
Most of the time these women wanted to get their exes back more than anything and one thing ten years of doing this taught us is that men have a serious hero complex. In fact, our world famous damsel in distress text message kind of proves that.
One day a few years ago we thought we would try creating a text message that tapped into an exes hero complex to see if it would make him more responsive.
Not only did it work but it worked so well that it has become our most popular text message. Here’s how it works.
The Damsel In Distress Text Message: You usually point out a problem you are having that he has expertise in that he can solve for you.
Here’s a real life text conversation from our private facebook group where you can see this in action.
Now, the controversial aspect of this is that being a damsel in distress kind of goes against the whole ungettable vibe we are going for on this website. However, I would encourage you not to look at it like you’re setting yourself up to be a ditz.
On the contrary, if you word the damsel in distress text message the right way it’s an amazing way to allow a guy to be a part of your world which is all they really want. You can also make him feel good about the fact that he has an expertise on something (even if you already know how to solve the problem yourself.)
Desire Method #7: You Need To Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
Every conversation you have has a certain flow to it with three distinct points.
- The gradual build to a high point
- The high point itself
- The eventual fall from the high point
Where most women go wrong when they try to build desire isn’t so much building the desire up in a conversation but it’s more overstaying their welcome. Have you ever had an amazing conversation with a guy you liked over the phone and thought to yourself,
“I really don’t want this conversation to end.”
So, you keep having a conversation that stretches on for two more hours and loses its excitement.
What went wrong here?
Well, it lacked the zeigarnik effect.
The Zeigarnik Effect: People remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
So, often times the reason conversations lose a bit of their excitement is because people fail to end the conversation a bit prematurely. The goal is to always garner more excitement for the next conversation.
I usually compare this to television shows.
Notice how in most TV shows every episode ends on a cliffhanger designed to get you to say “what’s going to happen next?”
This is on purpose. They want you to tune in next week or immediately watch the next episode.
You can create this same effect by locating the high point of a conversation and thinking of an authentic way to end the conversation.
Instead of a guy thinking,
“Wow, that was a great conversation but it was so long I need a break.”
He’ll be thinking,
“Wow, I need more of that. I want to talk to her again as soon as possible.”
Now, imagine you string together dozens of conversations like this. It’s a pretty great way to get a man hooked.
Desire Method #8: Adopt A Secure Attachment Style
If you haven’t started learning about attachment style theory that’s probably the first thing you should be doing because it’s essential for helping you understand the dynamics of relationships.
Here’s a quick crash course.
There are four main attachment styles,
- Secure attachment – the holy grail of attachment styles where you are so confident in yourself that your worth is not defined by your partner.
- Anxious attachment style – the most obsessive, clingy, and codependent attachment style where you constantly attach your self-worth and emotional wellbeing to your partner.
- Avoidant attachment style – the most aloof and emotionally unavailable attachment style where you are afraid of getting too close to someone so you avoid deep emotional attachments.
- Fearful attachment style – a rare combination of anxious and avoidant types.
We know from experience that most of our clients have anxious tendencies and their partners tend to be avoidant by nature.
So, you have these two opposite attachment styles getting into a relationship together and there are initial fireworks but the end is inevitable.
The problem is that the anxious person always wears down the avoidant and they end up running from the relationship.
One of the smartest things you can do if you want men to desire you is to exhibit secure attachment tendencies.
It’s easier said than done certainly but the benefit is huge because of the secure attachment gravity concept.
Secure Attachment Gravity: When any of the opposing attachment styles enters into a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment they begin to mimic secure tendencies themselves. It’s a lead by example situation.
So, the question very quickly becomes how do you adopt a secure attachment?
Well, that’s a question for another day but I’ll give you a hint.