This is a complete guide on how to let go of an ex you still love.
In this in depth guide you’re going to learn,
- The Great Irony Of Letting Go
- Why You Need To Find Yourself During No Contact
- How To Find A Purpose Greater Than Your Ex
- The Holy Trinity Concept
- The Magnum Opus Intersection
Let’s jump right in.
The Great Irony Of Letting Go Of An Ex
Bear in mind, that I consider a successful situation with the following criteria,
- They won their ex back
- They decided they don’t want their ex back anymore and found the person they were meant to be with.
If you interview enough of these success stories and pay attention to what’s going on underneath the surface a very interesting trend emerges.
Exes almost always come back when you’re least expecting it after you’ve moved on from them.
In fact, one of my latest YouTube video talks about this phenomenon in depth,
It’s ironic, isn’t it.
That the main key to getting an ex back might be taking steps towards trying to get over them.
Now, I’m bringing this up not to convince you that you need to get your ex back, the opposite.
It’s just that I know being told to “get over the breakup” by your friends and family because they’re stick of hearing about it from you can be difficult.
So, my goal with this article is really to help you accomplish two sets of criteria.
- Use real methods of “letting go” to make you more attractive to ALL suitors
- And to help you overcome the grief you are feeling.
I plan on doing this a bit more uniquely than you are used to. For example, when researching for this article I took a look at my competition and what they were recommending.
Almost all of them recommend the same three pieces of advice,
- Forgive Yourself
- Accept The Breakup
- Avoid Being Alone
It’s not necessarily bad advice but it’s generic. Also, ever since we started up our coaching practice five years ago that generic advice doesn’t work as well as you’d think.
I want to cut right to the meat of what matters and it all starts with a philosophical mindset shift.
More on that in a second. For now let’s create the foundation.
The Philosophy Of Finding Yourself During No Contact
The one piece of generic advice that I will stick to is the no contact rule.
Our official definition of the no contact rule is,
A period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.
Generally speaking this period of time where you are ignoring your ex will last anywhere from 21-45 days.
Of course, I find that roughly half of the people who purchase our program have a complete misunderstanding of the function of a no contact rule.
You are doing this for you.
Not for your ex.
We don’t care about if your ex reaches out to you. We don’t care about what they are up to.
All we care about is how you are using your time away from them.
Too often our clients fall victim to oneitis.
Oneitis: A phenomenon in which our clients put their ex on a pedestal and become too obsessed with them.
This makes you look like a limited individual with no life to your ex of course because it seems to your ex as if you have no life outside of thinking about them 24/7.
I’m obviously using extreme examples to make my point here but hopefully you understand what I’m trying to go for.
If you want to learn a bit of the psychology behind why most of our clients have trouble “letting go” or fall victim to “oneitis” one great place to start is by reading our article on attachment styles.
Specifically our literature on anxious attachment styles.
Here’s a quick crash course.
Anxious Attachment Style: Terrified of being alone so they compensate by surrounding themselves with individuals and hyper focusing on those individuals. They need constant re-assistance.
This is why we have found the no contact rule to be so effective. My theory is that it’s a complete departure from what your ex is used to that they begin to take notice.
Additionally, for the first time, from their perspective, it looks like you are focusing on yourself as opposed to them.
Of course, it’s easier said than done.
Why It’s Important To Find A Purpose Greater Than Your Ex
Above, I took aim at generic articles that gave the same sets of advice on “letting go” of an ex.
The problem with generic advice though is that me simply sitting here and telling you to,
Accept the breakup Begin the process of moving on Forgive yourself
Leaves you nodding your head but internally thinking, “Yes, but what do I actually do?”
One of the only things I’ve ever seen work for my clients is this concept of finding a purpose that means more to them than their ex.
In fact, this is why I encourage my clients to begin thinking immediately during the no contact rule about their magnum opus,
What is something, that if they had accomplished right now in the midst of all the pain they’re feeling from the breakup, would make them, not necessarily forget their ex, but diminish their ex in their minds.
This is where I think it helps to read into philosophy a bit. What is it that gives your life meaning?
Right now you think it’s your ex. Surely you’re a more complicated individual than that, right?
Well, I’ve actually come up with a system that can help you identify a greater meaning.
The Holy Trinity System
For years I’ve gone back and forth on if the trinity concept was all encompassing to every aspect of life.
I used to think it wasn’t but recently I’m kind of swaying to the other side in saying that it does.
Everything you do in your life can be divided into three distinct categories.
Where I used to get tripped up was that I have a tendency to use my free time to watch movies.
It felt like that didn’t really “fit” anywhere on the trinity but I realize it does.
Free time is a form of mental health. Sometimes we need a break from work or family and need to seek solace in that free time for peace of mind.
So, yes, every time you use your free time you are actually improving “health” in some way.
But I’m getting off topic here. The goal of the trinity is always the same.
Do your best job possible of balancing each of the areas of your life out. Now, that balance will be unique for every single individual but we all know what it’s like to go through a day when we haven’t done the minimum of what we were supposed to and it feels awful.
Each category of the trinity is connected as well with this interesting cause and effect relationship.
- You go through a breakup (negative impact on relationships)
- You decide to have a cheat day on your diet to deal with the pain (Negative impact on health)
- Because of the breakup you don’t get any sleep and show up to work tired and get reprimanded for falling asleep on the job (Negative impact on wealth)
Of course, the opposite is also true. If you want to positively impact your life and improve your relationships area of the trinity you can use the other areas of it to kickstart things in a positive direction.
What was it Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say,
When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good you do good.
He’s literally referencing this component of the holy trinity. This synergistic relationship is also the key to finding your magnum opus.
Understanding The Magnum Opus Intersection
So, here’s my theory.
I could be wrong about this so that’s why I call it a theory but I believe each of us has within us at least one magnum opus and that magnum opus can be found by finding the intersection of the holy trinity.
What thing can you do that will simultaneously positively impact all areas of the trinity?
That’s most likely your magnum opus.
What’s funny to me is how little people respect the concept though. I briefly mentioned this concept on a recent YouTube video and a few individuals tore it apart,
“I don’t understand this video. I’m meant to spend several hours a day thinking about money?”
This was of course, a reference to a point I made in the video about the magnum opus intersect and the ideal world for most people is to find a purpose in life that they can get paid for.
I’ll admit that it’s sort of trippy to take that view in a video meant for understanding relationships but that’s the exact point I’m making.
The sooner you realize that,
Have a profound impact on one another the sooner you’ll start to see meaningful results in your life.
So, if you’re having trouble letting go of an ex that you are still deeply in love with here’s a quick checklist of the things that I’d recommend you do.
- Begin by cutting off contact with them
- Start getting your trinity back into alignment
- Find your magnum opus intersect within the trinity
- Make your magnum opus your priority
That’s what’s working in the real world for our clients.