Today we’re going to be talking about how to heal from a breakup. Since everything we do on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is meant to be inspired by data we thought it would be a good idea to dive deep into the success story reservoir and look at what’s actually worked for people who have gone through breakups and healed from them.

In all we came up with six proven things you can do to heal from a breakup.

1. Why The No Contact Rule Is The Best Tactic For Healing
2. Anxious To Secure Method
3. Balancing Your Holy Trinity
4. Finding Your Magnum Opus
5. Surrounding Yourself With A Supportive Community
6. Going On Dates With Other People

As always I don’t expect you to understand everything right out of the gates. That’s what the rest of the article is for.

Let’s get started.

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Way #1: Understanding Why No Contact Is Actually One Of The Best Tactics For Healing

Without a doubt the no contact rule is always looked at as one of the premier strategies for “getting an ex back” but did you know that we’ve found it’s just as effective at helping you heal from a breakup?

I think the disconnect often occurs because for most of our clients because there’s this inherent belief that no contact is meant to make an ex miss you.

However, we’ve proven time after time that simply doing a no contact rule to “make an ex miss” you is not effective.

This is the dirty little secret no one wants you to know.

Are you ready for it?

The point of no contact shouldn’t be to get your ex back it should be to outgrow your ex.

I talk about that concept a lot in this video,

What often happens in relationships is you get so wrapped up into them that you lose your identity. The no contact rule should be nothing more than a set period of time where you begin to reclaim that identity.

Now, when I talk about losing your identity what do you think I mean?

I’m really talking about attachment styles.

What tends to happen is that before we enter into a relationship we like to believe that we have a secure attachment but the relationship itself exposes us or even changes us and we become more insecure and anxious.

A no contact rule is a perfect time to take stock of that so we can shift towards being more secure.

Way #2: The Anxious To Secure Method

I feel like a broken record as it seems like every single day I’m talking about this concept but I’m going to do it again because yes, it’s that important.

Understanding your attachment style and your exes attachment style is key to navigating the future if you either want to get them back or heal from the breakup. In this case we have a very clear goal, you want to heal from the breakup.

As stated above, we all like to think we are secure before entering into a relationship but the relationship will expose you for what you truly are. Generally if you’re struggling to heal from the breakup or you are overly hung up on the breakup it means you’ve begun to adopt anxious behaviors.

So, here’s what an anxious attachment style typically looks like.

• Tend to be incredibly insecure with their relationships
• They tend to be obsessive about their relationships
• They tend to be possessive of their relationships
• During a breakup they’ll exhibit “crazy” behaviors
• Constantly terrified their partner will cheat
• Grow jealous at the drop of a hat
• Derive their entire meaning through the relationship

If this sounds like you then that probably means you have some anxious tendencies and that’s not a bad thing. Don’t think I’m singling you out. Every month I try to get a success story to come onto our podcast. I do it to not only inspire people but to understand what’s really working. It’s all fine and good to read psychological studies and advice but sometimes looking at real people who are successful and studying what works for them can give you unique insights.

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Perhaps that’s never been more true than in one of our latest success stories, Jamie Cantrell.

So, what’s fascinating about her is that she always considered herself a high value woman. She always had a bit of that “ungettable” vibe. However, she fell for a guy and then found she lost that “ungettable” vibe in the relationship.

She became desperate.

She cared about what he thought.

Her insecurities started to surface.

In other words, her ex fell for her originally because of her secure vibes but fell out of love with her because of her anxious attachment style.

We’ve already talked in depth about how attachment styles are fluid. Just because you are secure one day doesn’t mean you’re going to be secure for the rest of your life.

What set Jamie apart from most of our clients was the fact that she dedicated herself to getting those secure tendencies back. She recognized that she had lost a bit of that edge in the relationship. Originally she wanted her ex back but after realizing that the only way to get him back was to first become more secure with herself that’s what she poured all of her time into.

But a funny thing happened.

When she climbed back up to her secure pedestal she realized she didn’t really want him back anymore. She isn’t the first client we’ve had that has had this type of epiphany. In fact, we’ve noticed it is a consistent pattern amongst a lot of our success stories.

So, what are they doing to regain their value to themselves?

Way #3: Balancing Your Holy Trinity

The holy trinity is a concept I came up with about 10 years ago describing an interesting phenomenon I stumbled across in relation to the major categories of our lives.

1. Health
2. Wealth
3. Relationships

The end goal for everyone walking this planet should be to balance the three areas out.

Unfortunately that rarely happens.

Instead people let their lives spiral out of control during a breakup because each of the three categories has this unique connection. For example, your relationship area spirals out of control during a breakup. That much is pretty obvious upon a breakup.

But the breakup affects all other areas of your life. Maybe instead of sticking to that workout routine you were so adamant about you decide to skip a day to deal with your broken heart.

One day becomes two, two becomes three and the next thing you know a few weeks have gone by and you feel awful about yourself.

You carry this attitude into work and end up doing a horrible job which your boss notices and you get yelled at.

All because of a breakup. The unfortunate thing is that this downward spiral continues longer than it needs to. Here’s my recommendation. As long as you understand that there’s an inherent connection between each of the three categories you can rebuild your life by focusing on areas outside of your relationship and as long as you’re making positive progress the relationships aspect will take care of itself.

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Take Jamie Cantrell above.

The reason she had such amazing results was because she went all in on the holy trinity and trying to rebalance it during a breakup. I think the biggest issue with our society is that most people just expect you to get over a breakup but they don’t really tell you HOW to get over it.

The most actionable advice I’ve found is to rebalance your holy trinity and to find a new purpose outside of your ex.

Way #4: Finding Your Magnum Opus

This is a bit of a morbid thought but all of us die alone.

We don’t get to take our loves to the grave with us. It’s a one way trip and there are no partners allowed. I’ve never understood this need to wrap yourself up wholly into a relationship.

Sure, family is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO ME but I’m much more than a husband, son and father.

I’m a human being with my own hopes and dreams. When I pass away I’ll be remembered by my family (I hope) but I want to have made a lasting impact on the world in some way. This is what gives me purpose.

I think Steve Jobs had it right.

Using his exact words,

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.

Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

What he’s really talking about here is finding your magnum opus. Finding that one thing in your life that gives you purpose and it can’t be a relationship. That’s the one rule we have on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. You need to find a purpose outside of your ex.

You’d be surprised at how many men and women I’ll ask this question to and they won’t have an answer.

Why?

Because again, their entire identity is wrapped up into their ex and they wonder why it’s hard to heal from the breakup.

Way #5: Surrounding Yourself With A Supportive Community

The best decision I ever made for my business was creating a private facebook support group.

To date we have about 6,600 members in the facebook group to date and everyone who ends up buying our program loves that we include access to the group within it.

What I’ve noticed in my life is that human beings tend to be very tribal by nature and yet there is no “tribe” for people going through a breakup because usually wanting an ex back or having trouble getting over a breakup isn’t something others take kindly to.

Why are you still hung up on your ex?

Why would you even want an ex back?

I can’t tell you how often I’ll talk with a client and they’ll relay the story that they tried talking with their best friend and their friend was completely unsupportive. Same goes with family.

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In an odd way trying to deal with a breakup makes you an outcast.

Which can lead you to feeling more alone.

Yet that’s the best part about our facebook group. It’s literally a group of thousands who know exactly what you’re going through. Who understand what it’s like to be an outcast and you can derive strength from that.

Way #6: Going On Dates With Other People

I know I sound like a broken record here but again I’m going to bring up Jamie Cantrell one of our latest success stories.

She was perhaps the most vocal success story we’ve ever had about encouraging others to go on dates after a breakup. I have to say that I actually back her up on this. Now, sometimes my weakness is that I’ve become a little too macro and a little less micro but I can’t tell you how often I’ll interview a success story and they’ll literally tell me that going on dates with other people when they don’t want to was the key that helped unlock things for them.

Why?

Well, I stumbled across some fascinating research regarding rebound relationships.

According to Brumbaugh & Fraley , Recent evidence suggests, in fact, that people who dive into rebound relationships get over their ex-partner more quickly and feel more confident in their date-ability

This of course contradicts the internal narrative most people have about rebounds.

Turns out that one of the best ways to heal from the breakup is to go on dates with other people.

Again, Jamie Cantrell, our success story above, went crazy with this and I mean that in the best way possible. She basically forced herself to go on dates when she didn’t feel like it. However, she had this great mindset. She wasn’t looking for “the one.” She was simply looking to practice dating.

That’s it.

And this isn’t a one-off situation. Many of our success stories are finding success with this method.

So, while it may seem odd to you one of the best ways from healing from your breakup should be to go on dates with other people. After all, the proof is in the pudding.