How To Get Your Ex Husband Back- The Super Guide

416 thoughts on “The Definitive Guide On Getting Your Ex Husband Back”

Nubia

November 18, 2014 at 12:28 am

hello, I just wanted to say that i will be using your rules to try and get my ex hubby back. it will be a little more challenging for me because he lives 4 hours away from me. our story is not your usual break up story, we loved each other very much, he idolized me but i wasn’t affectionate. His way f cheating was talking to women from craigslist but they never actually met. I left because I couldn’t take the instability. he did say he wasn’t sure if he wanted to work on things and i took that as a no. it’s been five months and i haven’t heard from him, he blocked me from the media, blocked my number and i did try contacting him.i know that he believes that i never loved him and that I want o hurt him again. I want to fight for him because I love him very much and I know that I can be fine without him but i would rather pursue my dreams and have him by my side like he always was. My mistake? Vanity and being self-absorbed. I always looked great for him but always received unwanted attention from other men. At the beginning he was proud that I was his and nobody else could have me, in the end he really thought that I was looking for someone else. I hope that he can give me a second chance and that we can finally be happy together (if only his mom didn’t hate me)
Paula

September 27, 2014 at 1:51 pm

Hi Chris,

How are you? I know u got a lot messages i just I need one avid ice cuz I am trying save my marriage, I need your help, I am separate of my husband but we spend a lot time together at least he all the time at my place and he said he just want to be friends since July, we did bad things to each other in the past few months that hurt both of us and sometimes he got confuse and look in my phone to see what I have been up too without I know, he just tell me after we have a fight, I asked him to give us a change to start over because all the time we are together and sometimes he slept at home but nothing happen with us, no kiss nothing just sometimes I hug him when i sleep, he knows I am all the time here for him any problem he has he talks to me about that, not with his family or close friend, he trust me, I found our few days ago he was talking to a girl online and they tried meet and it didn’t work out since she lives in other country after that I got really upset and said he has to choose who is more important in his life me or her because I can’t keep doing it since I still love him. He sent me a txt saying I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to hurt you, you are a important person for me, be patience. What does that mean?!? Be patient with him ?!? He sound so confuse about us, I really don’t know what to do. Please help me, just answer me.
ailana

August 15, 2014 at 8:38 pm

Hi, I think this is the section for me…

My husband and I have a more than 20+ plus year relationship starting with he and my brother being best friends, that changed then a couple years later he and I became very good friends (then quickly best friends with benefits), conceived a child (as friends), later we became a formal couple (our child was around 6) then married (9 years total as a couple including 6 married).

I know why he left basically and I agree the old relationship needed to end and something needed to change, and it was beginning to, but by then, he felt it was too late and he was tired so he chose to leave. I actually began doing “me” around 8 months before he left. I realized I needed to make personal changes which is what lead to me be able to see the truth of the problems in our marriage, that’s when I truly decided to fight for it. I am still working on me, already lost over fifty pounds, made some new friends and take classes. He has actually commented on how far I have come.

He became interested in someone else before leaving then ended up seeing her when he moved out (he says they are only friends who sleep together) and has been seeing her for almost 3 months at least. He says he likes being around her cause she is not smarter than him, she listens to what he says and doesn’t argue back like how things were in our old relationship. I almost feel bad for her. I believe its something in between a rebound and a serious relationship partly because I think she may be expecting more than he is likely willing to give, she has a young child and I know my husband does not want to father anyone elses kids, also she is around half his age. I understand he is getting the good feeling being with her that was lacking for a long time in our marriage. I know it could last for ever, I just don’t think it will but I’m still not happy about it.

During our break up he never denies me support, be it financial, emotional, familial or whatever. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on this. Am I being delusional? Is it unrealistic to think that I can get my husband back under these circumstances?

At the birthday party my husband threw for me on August 13, he was very attentive to me and he even exhibited signs of (kind of sweet) jealousy. At one point I turned around and noticed him taking a picture of me, I smiled and he said “I still love you.”

He also slept over and we were very intimate. I didn’t wake feeling emotionally set back, I sort of felt and still feel a little comforted.

So, we have a teenaged child, blended financial issues as well as a very long personal history including highly intertwined family relationships. No contact is very difficult, emotionally as well as literally, I do want my husband back though so I’m sure it can be achieved with much effort and creativity if it is what needs to be done. I actually started the day after my birthday, the moment he left I put myself in no (limited) contact mode.

I have begun no (limited) contact starting yesterday, but am I actually too late to get my husband back?

admin

August 18, 2014 at 12:31 pm

Wait, you guys “separated” and he still threw you a birthday party?
ailana

August 18, 2014 at 10:25 pm

Yes, he did throw me a birthday party and slept over, we are not legally separated, he just moved out.
Latest incident- we went to take our daughter shopping yesterday (his card my shopping skills), before we got there, we got into it (about the situation) big time. It was awful, he ended up sleeping over then he went to work but via telephone, we had many conversations about him no longer wanting anything to do with me. He has been checked out sort of around a year now but I have only been left as of 3 months so he and I are at different levels of emotion regrading the breakup. Later he called me saying he feels that blow up needed to happen that I deserved the opportunity to vent cause he was wrong for leaving, and he doesn’t want to dismiss me from his life completely but just not see each other or do things together. A few calls later he changes his mind again. We are very tired from the previuos days events so I am guessing that has to do with it also.

I do not need him, I only want him to be my partner for the last leg of life so to speak. I know if given a chance, and he can get past our dad relationship, a new relationship will be very good.

I will be attempting no (minimal) contact again but I still ask, in your opinion am I too late to get my husband back?
admin

August 19, 2014 at 2:29 pm

Not too late no…
ailana

August 19, 2014 at 10:30 pm

I know you are a busy man so I thank you for replying. I know how much men like compliments so I want to tell you how awesome I think you are, (wink)… of all the supposed authorities on the matter, I have found you to be the most personal as I’ve noticed you attempt to reach out to all of us as best you can so even if you told me I was too late to get my husband back (please don’t, lol), I would still think you are awesome. 🙂

Today is officially day one (again) of no/minimal contact. He called me last night to say goodnite but thankfully nothing today. Should I do a full 30 days or would a shorter time be sufficient to start with? I’m off this morning so I spent the early part of the morning meditating and listening to inspirational audios instead of watching my phone and wanting to communicate.

I came up with another question regarding if my no contact period ends during a time when my husband and the young girl (she’s only 23 he’s 40, I call her that to keep it less threatening, lol) will be on a weekend trip together. He and I (and our daughter) have taken trips (one lead to our getting married, Vegas baby, lol) and have done similar things together that trip will include, like fishing. Is it ok to text him a memory text during their trip?
admin

August 25, 2014 at 11:48 am

Gosh total rebound.

23 and 40.

That almost seems gross…. Like he was 17 and she wasnt even born yet. .

I wouldn’t text him any memory yet… It may be too obvious at what you are trying to do.
ailana

August 26, 2014 at 10:47 am

Holy shucks man! Another failed attempt at no contact… I can’t believe how stuff just likes to snowball. So my (16 and a half yr old) daughter and I got into something pretty big, for the first time really. Don’t get me wrong, she is a teenager but we’ve only really had maybe one other bg fight but no where near as big as this one. She ended up saying awful things to me like “no wonder dad left, why do you want to hang on to people who don’t want you anymore (she meant herself and her father) and that I don’t want to live with you anymore.” Long story short, this got my husband involved, who by the way has cancelled his little trip with that young girl, anyhow, becasue of the emotional intensity it was hard to keep it all business as he starts by saying he is sorry that things are turning out this way for me and everything will be better then he begins to rehash how I used to be. I promptly say, that I consistently own up to how I used to be and though I am not that person anymore, this is not about how I used to be and he needs to stop bashing me. The rest is kind of an emotional blur as my daughter ended up going to my moms.
She and I were supposed to take a trip but due to the gravity of the situation I have decided to go myself. He sort of stepped up as a father and he and our daughter will be staying at the house while I’m gone. The entire situation has me beat down emotionally, especially after the deal with my daughter. My family has fallen apart and although intellectually I know things will not always feel this way or seem this bad, but I have been working on me so diligently, somehow it feels that in my efforts to become a better me, I been left naked so to speak, open and vulnerable as an emotional target. I’m just so exhausted. I am not allowing the situation to completely defeat me or him to provoke me, I am actually sort of starting to feel numb when I talk to him, exhausted but numb. So I wont be texting him and I am hoping this numbness helps me to maintain no contact once and for all. Do you have any words of wisdom for me in this snowballing madness?

With the way my family situation is turning out I am not sure if no contact is realistic but if I can swing it, should I do the full 30 days?

P.S.
I agree 23 & 40 is almost gross. She is not even 7 full years older than our daughter and only 1 year older than his son from another relationship. Why do men do that???
ailana

August 26, 2014 at 10:49 am

sorry for asking you so much but your ebook doesn’t really seem to cover situations like mine.

Thank you very much for all your time and effort to help.

Aloha!

Renee

June 13, 2014 at 3:28 pm

Hi. So my husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. We have been separated for 3 months. We were together for 8 years and married 10 months. We caught a lot about stupid things. I would get mad about him going to bars and coming home late or not answering my calls. I would even argue about really stupid things like bringing the wrong milk home. I know dumb….He thought I was cheating on him so he would get mad about that. After a month of separation I found out he confessed his love to his girl best friend. Now a few months later they no longer talk and me and my husband are getting a long really well. We hooked up the other day and it was amazing!!!! He told me he really liked it too. He also told me he cares about me and finds me attractive, but the spark that was there when we first met is not there. He wants to proceed with the divorce. I just don’t understand why would he cuddle me and let me cry in his arms? I want him back and don’t know what to do. Oh BTW we have a 3 year old as well.

admin

June 15, 2014 at 4:08 pm

Your husband…. and his girl best friend. When did you find out about this?
Renee

June 15, 2014 at 8:06 pm

I found about her about a month and 1/2 ago. They have been friends for 11 years and I always hated it because they were super close,I just kind of delt with it. I thought keep your friends close and your ennimes closer. I do know that they are not going to be together romantically.. He told me the other day that he is tired of making every one happy and he is just trying to make himself happy.He said that he married me because he thought it was what was right to do. He said he does not want to be with anyone right now.
admin

June 16, 2014 at 2:15 pm

I hate that phrase…

You don’t keep your enemies close… You annihilate them.

I think situations like this are what ends a lot of marriages. Can you imagine the points/trust he would have won with you if he ended that friendship with her since you were clearly uncomfortable with it.

Missy

May 28, 2014 at 5:09 pm

I’m trying to keep this short, but my ex husband has been with his gf for 6 months but there hasn’t been a time that has gone by that he doesn’t say he loves me when he hangs up and everytime he comes and gets our son he gives me a kiss and a long hug goodbye. He calls me pretty much every other day just to ask how the kids and I are doing and telling me about his day. I’m pretty sure he’s going to be moving in with his gf soon. I’m trying to be supportive and not let him know that it’s killing me..any advice would be fantastic, I love him so much…

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:17 pm

…. sounds like a player if he is stringing you and the other girl along.
Missy

June 12, 2014 at 2:55 pm

I wish I could go into details on why we got divorced. All I can tell you is that a family member made up lies and caused us to have to divorce. We legally can’t be together until his daughter is 18. I wish I could say more but I can’t. We have 4 more years and we didn’t want the divorce. We were devastated and his daughter loves me and misses me too but there’s nothing we can do about it. Unfortunately, we tried everything- even selling everything we could- but it wasn’t enough money to fight. Bottom line we agreed 2 years after it happenned (this was in 2010) that we both understand how lonley we are and we agreed that we would start seeing other people. We tried and and it just didn’t work out. He tells me he misses me whenever he picks our son up and everytime he hangs up the phone he tells me he loves me. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much but I know 4 years is a long time, I feel so lost 🙁

Didi

May 23, 2014 at 7:59 pm

Hi, I switched over from the be section. I have been married 8 years. My husband started talking to an ex gf who had caused some drama in our relationship in the best and who had been cut out for about 6 years. I started to suspect things so I looked on his phone and found other inappropriate texts etc. When confronted he became angry and wanted a divorce because had broken his trust.he admitted to adultery but refused to go for a speedy divorce. It has been a few weeks since this but neither has taken legal action. He simply left the home when I asked and said he would never contact me again and expect a custody fight. He also started to bring up a flirtation i jad 10 uears earlier and suggested that i never loved him. Three days ago hr contacted me to see the kids. I followed your advice and kept it short. Since then he keeps texting with inflammatory statements like, he has diverted all funds to a private account, removed me from our health insurance, refusing to pay for bills in my name which he uses such as car insurance etc. Sadly, I did get pulled into a bit of a back and forth on text but then ended it with “ok thanks for the info. Not worth fighting. Have a good day” I am really wondering if you think this will work for my case. I have read a lot of your site. Does he really hate me? Does he really feel I never loved him? His social media posts are all quotes and music about women who lie and cheat… :/

admin

May 25, 2014 at 2:15 pm

How long ago did he start talking to this ex?
Didi

May 25, 2014 at 2:40 pm

3 months ago roughly
Didi

May 25, 2014 at 2:44 pm

I shoukd add that he told me he was talking to her again roughly 2 weeks after he started back up. This caused many arguments but he refused to stop because he said she lives on another continent now and they are just friends so I couldnt tell him what to do. I felt their conversations were very flirtatious and emotionally unfaithful to me as he spent so much time speaking and texting.he claimed that I was isolating him even though he had many other friends and went out with the guys once a week and even o the odd road trip or party from time to time

Rachel

May 21, 2014 at 8:52 pm

My husband and I were in an open relationship and he met a girl back in December. On January 15th we got into our first fight since he started seeing the other girl and told me he didn’t love me anymore. I begged and pleaded with him for months to go to marriage counselling with me until it drove me mad. Last week he finally said he wants a separation because he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t see where the relationship with this other woman went. And if it didn’t work out he would let me know. I’m devastated and wished none of this never happened. right up until January 15th he was saying I was the love of his life… What do I do??? I want my husband back!

admin

May 22, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Open relationship? Seriously?

Were you for the open relationship?

TINA

May 16, 2014 at 8:15 pm

Me and my ex are pretty good friends and he is still close to my family! We have been apart for 5 yrs. I tried another relationship but didn’t work out because I’m still in love with him! I know he still loves me and last year moved out of state so he would not see me in the other relationship! But he’s a man and will not admit it!!! I have tried to convince him to get back together and gotten know where! If I bring up the past when we were together he says he don’t want to talk about it that it hurts too much! And if I push the issue he will not talk to me for weeks! So how do I send texts to stir up the memories if I know it will make him to stop talking to me! Why would talking about the past hurt so much and why did he have to move to be away from me, when he has admitted to my mother that he still loves me! When I bring up the past to his face tears comes to his eyes! Please how do I approach this situation????

admin

May 20, 2014 at 8:33 pm

5 years apart. Have you two dated anyone else seriously for a while?

Jessica Sias

May 9, 2014 at 1:42 pm

I was wondering if you could give more examples of emotional text messages? I was never good at showing affection and that was a big part of our separation, but I’m trying. He’s just so stubborn and cold that I don’t know how to break down his wall.

admin

May 9, 2014 at 3:45 pm

Ok, well emotional messages need to come from the heart. So, when you think of the happiest time of your relationship what emotions get triggered?

How do you feel inside. Explain that feeling to me.

sara

May 6, 2014 at 8:39 pm

I screwed up bad and need advice. I got caught up in an affair with a married man at work. My husband found out, but I lied about the other mans identity because I was afraid. I also blamed all the marital issues on my husband. He did a year of individual therapy to try and better himself. I refused to go. I also had a secret bank account my husband found out about and he was very upset. So I accused him of emotiinal abuse. Then I left him and he filed for divorce and I never said anything to him or apologized. We were married for 6 years and have 3 kids together. Now I see how wrong I was but my exhusband wants nothing to do with me. What should I do? I feel so terrible for what I did.

admin

May 7, 2014 at 3:28 pm

Wow sara… thats pretty bad.

Your husband was trying for the relationship and you kept blaming the issues on him when it was kind of you. This may sound weird but I am glad you feel bad because it means you know what you did was wrong and you know it wasn’t right.

I respect that your willing to come here and try to better yourself.
sara

May 8, 2014 at 1:23 pm

do feel bad but I also feel like he was a bad husband too. I don’t want him back but I feel he is making this harder on the kids by not being an adult and getting over it. People break up every day and you need to put the kids first.

The problem is now whenever I try and talk to him he refuses and tells me to leave him alone. How can I get him to see his own issues. I know he has been seeing a counselor every week for over a year now and still goes even though we are divorced. Shouldn’t he be making some progress by now?

Marie

April 15, 2014 at 4:48 am

I am truly frustrated, my ex husband and I have been divorced for 10 months..married for 8 years..it was a very bitter divorce that he did NOT want, but due go his continual infidelity I had to show him enough is enough. So I cheated on him back, because I wanted him to feel that pain and hurt I felt…I love him!! He recently lost both his hands in accident…he comes around a lot constantly giving one mixed signal after the next. I love you, I want to sleep with you etc…..oh did I mention he proposed to another chick valentines day, and claims he wants to be with our family….but he hasn’t changed?! I want him back but not the old guy,….what do I do ??

admin

April 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

He hasn’t changed… I honestly think you should move on.

He won’t change.

Well, he can but I don’t think its likely.

Sabrina

April 14, 2014 at 1:23 am

My husband didn’t come home one night. We had a huge argument and he left. I begged him to come home. We were married for 19 years. Two weeks later, he moved in with his girlfriend. I was crushed. We have one daughter together. We have been separated for 4 years. We are going through the divorce process now. He says that I’m a great mother but he doesn’t love me. We are able to talk pleasantly now but I am lost without him. I notice him staring at me during my daughter’s games and events. He has not once waivered about wanting to come home. I think he respects me but doesn’t love me. Should I or how do I move in?

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:32 pm

Wait… he just left?

Was he seeing the girl while you were married? Was he cheating on you?
Sabrina

April 15, 2014 at 3:29 am

As I’m lying here tonight reflecting on our marriage. I am baffled how I thought we were in a loving relationship and he apparently did not. I believe that after 19 years of marriage another woman made him feel young and vibrant. My husband left me because we were in a rut. He doesn’t realize that in a few years he will be in the same place with her. The grass isn’t always greener. He continues to pay for a few of my bills and gives me advice. I guess I am mostly bothered by the mixed signals. He sits with me and my family during my daughter’s school events and it feels like home to me. I suppose for him we are friends but to me it is devastating to watch him drive away at the end of the night. I deserve better and I’m sorry to have written you . I know it’s time to move on.
admin

April 15, 2014 at 4:17 pm

He wasnt willing to talk it out. To communicate and work on keeping the relationship alive.

Chrissy

April 1, 2014 at 7:18 am

Are you ready to work? Here you go: I have been divorced 3 years. We were separated for 4 before that. I am with the man that I left him for, this man is not the man I thought he was. To top it off, he hid his illness from me. I know have been caring for him for almost 7 years. I have finally been able to communicate with my ex. The more I talk to him, which is not often, the more I miss him. We have a 10yr age difference, him the older one. I was 25 and he was 35. Now we are 40 and 50. I had a child with the current bf. BF because I wont marry him. I did not tell my ex about my child until 2 weeks ago. She is 3. My ex and I have a 13 yr old daughter. He was not upset abt my child, just that I didn’t tell him. I withheld that info out of anger. I am no longer angry and I miss him. He is not married or in any serious relationships. I really care about the guy I’m with, but I really miss my ex-husband. It took me getting older to realize that he really did have my best interest in mind. He was the only man that ever ALWAYS opened doors for me, the new one does nothing close!! HELP!! Do you think I have a chance?

admin

April 1, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Am I ready to work?

Hahaha… are you ready to pay?

(no I will do it for free.)

Ok, first off I want a definitive answer. What do you want? Your ex husband or to repair your relationship with the guy you wont marry?

Sarah

March 31, 2014 at 7:19 am

My husband and I are going through a separation. He is away from me and the kids every two weeks and comes home but stills feels disconnected. The both of us just recently went away and he told me that we should separate but be “friends”. I agreed but then during the trip I thought we made up and then when we came home for one week he kept telling me he loved me. Now that he’s been gone for two weeks he completely does not communicate with me. He will be coming back home soon but now I know that our relationship is in the dumps. He stopped calling our kids as well. I am not too sure what is happening because I don’t know how he feels. Yes I did the stupid desperate thing and needy thing told him that I love him, will fight for him and our marriage, and will support him. But I don’t know what to think if he’s not communicating with me. Has he made up his mind its over? and how can I win him back?

admin

March 31, 2014 at 4:24 pm

What did he say when you told him you wanted to fight for him?

Liliana

March 27, 2014 at 8:54 pm

I’m having the same problem too.
My husband is deployed though and we are only able to communicate via email which makes it hard. I’ve had time to change as a person and to not be the person I was in our marriage cause I’ve seen how bad I affected it and looked at my actions in a new perspective. He doesn’t believe that I’ve made that change and constantly says he doesn’t believe me, to show him in actions not words, that misses me, has feelings for me, but that I hurt him to bad and now it’s too late for me to do anything. He’ll be nice at some points and then turn around and be someone I don’t even recognize. He assumes I cheated in my marriage and I haven’t. Of course he has his faults too for why our marriage went down the drain and him being in the military has pulled us down ever more but I’m able to look past our problems and he can’t seem to ever let them go. We are separated and he’s been pushing the divorce card so it leaves me confused on how he really feels. He even said he’s not going to talk to me in emails anymore. What can I do to change me to get his attention back?
Missy

March 23, 2014 at 12:04 am

He has a girlfriend though, been with her for about 4 months. When he calls me he still tells me he loves me, not every time, but most of the time. I try to limit our convos and texts to just about our son but there are times he calls me up randomly (I try to let it go to voicemail as much as I can- don’t want him thinking I’m waiting by the phone) and tells me about his day etc. Stuff I know he doesn’t have to tell me about. I’m trying to be supportive but I really do want him back. Does this guide work in this case, because of him having a girlfriend?

Missy

May 22, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Please help 🙁

lusy

March 20, 2014 at 8:00 pm

Hi. I’ll try to keep short. Background info: im 36, 2nd marriage, 8 weeks from delivering our first child together. I have a 9 yr old boy and he has a 5 yr old boy. He is 30, first marriage and has had a girlfriend for about 3 months. He moved out 2 months ago to live with his dad. From my questions i have discovered that he can talk to her easier than me. He is a texter like a 10000 per month texter with 60% of them being to her. He comes by at least 2 times per week. And he attends all of my doc appoinents and wants to spend a week here at home when baby comes (c-section so ill need help). He texts me a minimum of every 3 hours sometimes more. We are still having sex and it is good for both of us. He only took necessities with him all his other stuff is here. This week he has started distancing himself from me. Its time foe me to figure out what to do. I have tried the minimal texts and tried to leave it all up to him to come by and do just what he is ready for. Having some issues with this due to pregnancy hormones and severe depression. Am medicated now and hoping to be able to control myself. I would like to purchase your e book but wanted to make sure you thought it would help in my special circumstances. Can’t really afford to waste money right now…insurance these days sucks! Your thoughts??? Oh and he still tells me he loves me almost every day. I’m not giving up anytime soon. I am extremely goal oriented and persistent lol. Help!

admin

March 21, 2014 at 6:31 am

Hmm… How long have you been seperated from him?

Are the two of you actually divorced or just seperated?
lusy

March 21, 2014 at 5:04 pm

he moved out at the end of January. And he gets quite upset if the word divorce is brought up, I have only used the word once since he left.
lusy

March 21, 2014 at 11:55 am

He moved out at the end of January. Gets highly upset if the word divorce is mentioned.
lusy

March 20, 2014 at 8:14 pm

Sorry meant to say in there that I do not think I text well enough to have the talking go as I need it to.

Lola

March 17, 2014 at 10:10 am

Dear Chris,

I hope you are able to read my message and help me with my situation :'(

Problems: LDR + secret marriage + I cheated with an exbf (we reconciled) + LDR again + he is cheating without admitting, claiming that he wants a ‘break’ to ‘clear his mind’

My husband and I were together for 7 ½ years married for 5 years (we got married at 22 both of our parents didnt know, only our best friends) we of course loved each other very much to get married but one of the reasons was that we had to get married so that he can stay in Canada (I sponsor him for the citizenship). He is in Toronto and I am now in HK.

Problems arise when I knew he left UK quitting university to come to Canada to be together (we were in a LDR for the first 2 years)- fast forward 7 years he is a bit behind with our peers we are both 28 but he is still working towards his undergrad degree. It was my fault and irrational decision to have left Canada 1.5 years ago to pursue my career in HK. Our distance is drifting too far apart and he always thought I overshine him because he still hasn’t finished his studies although he is also working part time at a bank. I know he has low self-esteem and feel I am in the upper hand of the relationship because he lied to me before and he hasn’t graduated, cannot provide for me, leading me to leave.

I cheated on him once with my first bf before 2 years ago but I regretted so much and begged for his love again. We reconciled. Months later I left Canada to pursue my career in HK. We were both getting frustrated of the long distance relationship and I said (although not explicitly) I will return to Canada this year. (We saw each other 2 times during these 1.5 years, we talked daily through text messaging)
After the New Year this year my gut feeling is telling me something is wrong we rarely talk so I went upfront emailing him if there is another gal involved. He didn’t deny at first but we had a very long productive phone call to discuss our problems. He brought up the ‘scars’ and ‘guilt’ of lying to me at first during our relationship which leads to the ‘secret marriage’ and that he cannot provide for me. He cannot man up in front of me. I was so devastated I almost surprised him by flying back to Toronto for a week trying to rekindle our love. He felt so offended and disgusted after knowing it so I tried to find out what exactly is going on and boom there is this 20 year old girl he is with I thought it was just a fling and he was too lonely there so I thought I could forgive him as long as he still loves me.

I didn’t stay with him during my trip back. I only saw him once for dinner. He was so cold to me 🙁 I just returned Canada last September and traveled to LA together (fun times!) He claimed this was not a break up (we never brought up the divorce topic, he is probably worrying that if we get divorced he will not be able to get his Canadian citizenship) but only a ‘time-off’, a ‘break’ to ‘clear his mind’. I was so emotional when he sent me home at night we hugged and I reconfirmed him that I love him and told him not to tell me even if he is with another girl. He assured me there is no other person involved. I tried to kiss him but he pushed me away saying he didn’t want it to be a good-bye kiss.

After I came back from Canada I begin to realize he is more comfortable with the college gal who is still in school and working part time too (similar stage in life). I know that he sleeps at her place almost as often as twice a week! I am so devastated and upset I tried the NC rule for 21 days he did not contact me but he texted me a ‘hi’ on his birthday which I did not respond to. I had to contact him to file our tax together. I got my best friend to ask him for our accountant’s contact. He emailed me her contact and told me to email her. He asked how I’m doing and said it’s the same old school + work for him. I thanked him for the contact and told him to stay warm and take care. He is not responding to my email after.

I still love him so much and want us to work out again. I know we have a lot of problems and his affair is just a trigger point. I am returning to Canada again in June for my sister’s graduation I am afraid he will just avoid me and my family by then.

Do I have to keep a longer NC period and wait for him to regret letting me go? (not sure if he will) Or just continue being innocent not knowing he is cheating on me (he must have known I know something but I said I don’t) ? If I were to confront him we can no longer be friends and I don’t want to lose my last hope.

Please Help! Thanks so much!!
Elizabeth

March 9, 2014 at 12:42 am

I hate to be one of those annoying people who spout out long, sad, sob stories, so I’m going to keep it short & sweet.

My husband & I separated May 2013. We are still not divorced yet. He has a girlfriend & they may of started dating around September or October & they are still together. I’m upset about my chances of getting him back because of this.

Now my question, do you think I should go ahead with the divorce while I am doing 90 days N.C. OR do you think I should just stay married until he makes the first move for the divorce?

There is so much more to stay, but I will just start off with that. Thanks for your help Chris.

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:30 pm

I am so sorry about the separation. I know that must be really tough.

What has your communication been like? Was one person willing to communicate and the other was not? I am just trying to figure out what caused the separation.
Elizabeth

March 12, 2014 at 2:46 am

Thank you for your concern.

Basically, what caused the separation was that I was too clingy for him. He also wanted to date around since he never got to experience that. We got married fresh out of high school when we were both 18.

Right now our communication is very one sided. Sometimes he seems curious about my life, but is never the one to reach out unless it is about money. The conversation is always me doing the talking & he has very short replies.

The other day we had an hour long conversation (I called him) & it was weird because he didn’t seem happy to hear from me at all. But, he didn’t say he wanted to stop talking or end the conversation at all either.

I’m very confused. Thanks so much for your help Chris. I really don’t have anyone else I can talk to about this situation.

Natasha

March 4, 2014 at 10:40 pm

I know you get A LOT of questions and comments so I will keep mine as short as possible.. My husband and I got divorced two years ago.. We hadn’t talked for about 4 months after the divorce… (Keep in mind we have no kids together and no ties… We were married for 3yrs) (both very young as I am about to be 24 in July) anyways after the 4 months we just started texting here and there asking how each other was and casual conversations.. This had gone on for a year.. Then we decided not to keep texting as it was becoming emotionally straining.. So we quit talking for 30 days.. Well I messaged him again just saying hi we started talking again for like 2 weeks then he asked me to give him one reason why i loved him… the answer was easy.. i couldn’t answer that i told him that must be the hardest question in the world to answer when you love everything about someone.. he got more in depth with me and then i told him kind of how i really felt and he blew up and told me “Oh give me a break. So up and down? You must realize by now that I still care about you. That doesn’t change the fact that I will never trust you again. I won’t talk to you because the only thing that ever goes through my head when you are in my life is manipulator manipulator manipulator. There is no way you can tell me that you ever loved anyone other than yourself when we were together. You only ever come through when it matters to you, not to others. I never spent real time with my family, I never got to spend real time with my friends, I never even got to have a real connection with you because everything I would ever say to you, you’d try to turn against me either right then or in the future. So of course its easy for me to ignore you. I don’t want you to think you can come back here and start breaking down everything that I have built since I left you.You can’t even act like you were any different with me than you were with any of your other men. You ripped them apart to. I could see it in their eyes. Somehow people can let you screw with them and still stick by your side Not me. I’m not an idiot, I just put up with you because I care about you and Jesika. I will not allow you to try to tell me that I’m up and down and that I’m running your life. I leave you alone 95% of the time, you’re the one who keeps in touch with me. Im not rude to you for any reason other than the fact that I’m tired of you running my life. Just leave it alone. All is forgiven, but we don’t need to keep talking. Why? We have nothing to talk about. The only thing I keep thinking is where are my records?It actually hurts me to say all that, but everything that cones out of your mouth just seems like a game to me. That, plus my prior experience with you, tells me nope. No way. Not that stupid. I’m gonna go with my gut/friends and families wisdom/evidence/experience on this one.” I never cheated.. I was just driven mad by love to the point of control… After he sent me this we talked it out and he became pleased with talking to me again.. Then I asked him to look at my ig.. They were just normal pics he said he looked but then he just quit talking to me all together this was 4 days ago… Do I start the 90 day no contact now or what?

admin

March 5, 2014 at 5:23 pm

Wow, you guys were young. You got married when you were 21!

I guess my question to you is if he is even worth trying to reconnect. Do you think you can have a successful relationship?
Natasha

March 6, 2014 at 1:16 am

Yes we were actually 19 we broke up at 21&1/2.. We had no real reason to break up we were just really stressed out.. We were literally in tears telling each other goodbye and that we loved each other.. He lives in Oklahoma I in Texas now I am returning home to live that’s why he said the part that he hopes I’m not thinking I can just come back and break everything down he’s built… Because I was so controlling… I couldn’t handle my own emotions at the time.. I was quick to spit anger and i was rude to everyone… So I guess your next question is would I be better now… That is a simple answer to me it’s just ‘Yes’.. I’m just wondering what I should do next.. How do I make the next move in this chess game?
admin

March 7, 2014 at 6:25 am

Ahhh… the controlling thing.

Just an FYI the more you try to control someone the less likely you are to control them. Obviously it’s impossible to control a human being. However, ppl really resent being controlled. What you want to do is influence them.

Take things really slow.

Where are you at, at this very moment? What specifically are you wondering. Asking me broad stuff never works out b/c I don’t have the time to give you general things. Just ask me specific questions.
Natasha

March 7, 2014 at 9:23 am

Well he just texted me last night out of the blue after we hadn’t talked in 3 days…. Saying just this “I’m a f****** fool for you…” I want to know how to let him know I’m so sorry and I learned my lesson… Should I give him more space or keep trying to push through? He’s a really nice guy so I don’t see him ever hating me…. Maybe he’s just as scared as I am? He plays off his emotions so much better than I am able to though…
Natasha

March 7, 2014 at 7:11 pm

Nevermind i guess i don’t need anymore advice after that I’m a fool for you thing… this morning I got the what was the end.. Him: Lol I was joking.
Me: Why would you do that to me lol :c
Me: Way to ruin my day.. Thanks Jon you’re amazing.

him: i didn’t even send that text, my girlfriend did bc I was talking about the I’m a fool for you thing we did and she got mad. Drunk. Sorry. I was trying to play it off but not trying to ruin your day.

Me:Oh lol okay I got you.. It’s okay I was just being facetious…

Him: Well. Hope your day is going good.
Me::3 you too!

Thanks for all your replys I appreciate you even listening…
Natasha

March 9, 2014 at 5:28 am

Is there anyways you could please delete my comments? If not I understand but I’d appreciate it so much! Thanks!
admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:35 pm

I will try to delete them 🙂
Natasha

March 10, 2014 at 7:40 pm

Do you have any idea why someone would do something like that… Like I was just baffled he’s never been the childish type…
Natasha

March 12, 2014 at 4:40 pm

So even if I feel like we broke up because of me.. Ive been trying long enough? (1&1/2) &Since he’s started playing games I should just leave him alone? Permenantly?
admin

March 11, 2014 at 4:39 pm

I think maybe he just wants control of everything.
Natasha

March 10, 2014 at 1:14 am

There’s actually more.. Now he tells me it was all a test… I didn’t get that angry.. And I wasn’t that rude.. We ended the conversation on okay terms… Then this morning he tells me he slept on it and decided he doesn’t want to talks to me anymore… And that i should know why.. and not to text him anymore.. is he still testing me? What the heck is this? Games? Or is he just hurt and confused too?
admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:51 pm

Fine… if he wants to play a sick game like that just cut off all communication for a while.

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