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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
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Clare
June 17, 2014 at 3:55 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for 2 yrs and he decided to end the relationship. It has been almost a month now. We have not spoke or seen each other since. He did reach out to me via text but I didn’t reply. I am still hurt from the events that surrounded the end of our relationship. I found out that he cheated and also lied about numerous things. His employment for one. He has everyone in his life convinced that he is a licensed counselor for a local hospital. I found out that he works for a retail cellphone store. Then it was the cancer. He told all his friends that he was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I was the last to know. I never saw any type of medication or documentation that would prove he was getting treatment. After 6 months he said that the treatments were working and had it surgically removed. There are other lies but those two were the most major in my eyes. The last thing that bothered me was that after we got back from a mini vacation, he borrowed money from me. He stated that the hotel charged him twice and was short on cash. So I loaned him a couple hundred bucks. The day after I did that, he became distant and cold. Then he broke up with me about two weeks later. Even after everything he did, I still can’t get over him. He haunts my thoughts, dreams, and it consumes me. I’m trying my best to forget him. I go out with friends, taking up judo classes again, and I am finishing my degree in the fall. Doing this helps to a degree, but it is only temporary. My thoughts go right back to him. Recently, I was at a concert (a concert we were supposed to go to together) and he was there. I never did run into him or see him. His friend text me and told me they were at the same concert. After the show, he called. I didn’t answer. The next day I notice that he blocked me on Facebook. My heart sank. I know this is juvenile because its just a social media site, but I felt like that was the last connection I had with him. Now its gone. He is gone and I’m left with all the broken pieces. How can I move forward from this?
Lois M
September 16, 2014 at 12:15 am
Hi Clare,
Please read everything you can find about psychopathy, which is also called sociopathy or narcissism. There are also support groups available online.
Kind regards
Amy
June 17, 2014 at 5:50 am
So I just wanna say, I think you’re pretty awesome. Just to start out with. Honestly, you are so spot on about so much. You basically confirm all the things I’ve ever forced myself to come to conclusions about men on my own. I’ve always had more guy friends than anything and I feel the male ego has rubbed off on me in certain ways as I feel a lot of the same reactions in relationships as you described mem having, but I’m also guilty of doing the womanly thing too. I over-analyze things people do in general in and out of relationships which could also be to blame.
One question concerning this article. The returning of things has been weighing heavily on me. As I have always made sure to return and retrieve things during or as soon as possible after a break up, good or bad. This particular relationship I got out was 6months, the first real boyfriend since a five year abusive relationship I was in four years previous.
(Note: I am not sure this has been stated, as I usually only look into posts you reply to.) I have a lot of life experience, I’m only 23 and have never had a relationship shorter than half a year, just for some background info. In all cases I either got disinterested or didn’t see a reason to date them longer as I did not want to marry them. I guess technically that’s kind of the same thing. In this particular relationship, a man of 29 years of age became my boyfriend the usual way. We had a pink cloud stage as expected but managed to keep it together pretty well after until the 5th month. Things became even boring for me yet I really made an effort to keep it together, but the fighting came, with the fighting game the GIGS(more for him than me, I was too caught up in our crumbling relationship), then the excuses to see eachother less, then it got to the point where if I said one thing that he may have done (I.e. asked him why he purposely stopped putting the “I”, in “I love you”) he played victim, turned on me, told me other women wouldn’t have the issues I do with him, and would ignore me for days unless I left it alone. In my opinion, this was a punishment bestowed on me for putting pressure on him to put a little more effort into the way he communicated with me the previous day. At this point we were breaking up every other weekend of May. He blamed me for not being able to leave him alone for a day while he “cooled off”. So the next time the situation came, I did as he asked. But it continued the next day…. And the next day, I finally realized he wasn’t going to talk about it. He planned on hoping I would forget and get over it.
Of course It seems stupid… Really the “I” in ily? But. I’ve noticed this to be a trend with him. He likes punishing me for when he’s upset. Finally last friday, I broke it off in the nicest way I knew possible. I was under the impression that since this behavior persisted he truly was just not interested and was being mean because I was just there. The fact being that staying in a relationship then turned into using me angered me, so I told him I didn’t love him anymore. If he was using me, hell ya. Assuming things is bad, but when the other person is unwilling to come to terms, a person is left to their own devices. So instead of looking into his behavior, I accepted he was that kind of person.
At first, “he was fine not being in a relationship, we can be friends.” he told me how it was gonna be -_- my patience was waning with this italian prince. Then I told him I didn’t want to really be friends with the guy. I didn’t agree with the way he treated me and the person he was. Once again, “fine with it”. Recently I had found out he was going to the bar behind my back but I didn’t say anything.
So everything was settled, then a day goes by and he texts me all crazy and eff me my family blah blah blah he’s happy without me. He’s not my problem anymore blah blah at 3am on Sunday… Like okay. I told him off and when I woke up I told him that things were bad with the texts that morning but I wished him the best.
Finally the problem, I want to return his… Boxers and clothes. And get mine back but I don’t want to talk to him because he’s obviously mean in a loyal dishonest way. And he would probably tell me he didn’t have my things to spite me. … I’m at a loss dude. Like it subtly creeps me out cuz I know there’s no way he got rid of my… Panties.. And dude like this crap sucks. Like why does he have to be so stubborn about crap? It’s annoying.
admin
June 17, 2014 at 9:07 pm
By any chance did you read my latest guide on GIGS?
Amy
June 18, 2014 at 3:25 am
I did go over a lot of the things you wrote and normally i dont ever do this kind of thing on the internet. I talk to my counselor. You seem to know wth you’re talking about though and I like your attitude because I know I’m gonna get it it from ya straight. I’ll look into this again. I may not be connecting something.
admin
June 18, 2014 at 1:52 pm
Sorry, ask your question again Amy (yesterday I didn’t really get a chance to look in-depth at everyones questions.)
Amy
June 18, 2014 at 7:26 pm
Haha no it’s not that. I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship OR be friends. I initiated the cut off with him. He was okay with it that day then he cussed me out, out of the blue at 3am two days later. The question here was, why? (I think it’s just a control thing, something to make me feel bad because I didn’t stay with him while he was having GIGS)
admin
June 20, 2014 at 7:21 pm
You read my GIGS article?
Amy
June 18, 2014 at 7:35 pm
In other words, I was inquiring more about his late reaction. Everything seemed settled, then he cussed me out and told me I was a **** and a **** person and he hoped my whole life was **** like me and I never find happiness, out of nowhere. Sorry. I understand you must be constantly bombarded with things like this. I appreciate your time.
Amy
June 18, 2014 at 8:10 pm
An easier way to ask this question, why did he get angry after I broke all ties, when originally he was ok with my decision?
Amy
June 18, 2014 at 8:00 am
Well I refreshed the entire article on GIGS. In all honesty, in the time after posting my original comment, I decided to let my underwear remain his keepsake and leave his things on his parents doorstep (that’s where he lives, don’t worry: not that psycho)
I was extremely good to him and he was extremely good to me up until his GIGS, he obviously just felt he could do better. When he was going through the motions of having this idea, he obviously couldn’t decide if he wanted to give me up, because he didn’t want to lose me. There’s no way in hell I was gonna stand on sidelines, be treated as second best to basically no one he knew yet (this I know for fact) and deal with it. It would be the second time he pulled this when things were going good with us. In my mind, he’s 29 and I’m 23, likely I’m not getting younger or prettier and he’s aging pretty well obviously.. This is an obvious waste of my time. I got the GIGS and I also got tired of how he was treating me because of his GIGS. So I broke up. Originally there were two things that were of concern to me
1. Why he’s gonna be okay with breaking up and not being friends one day then cuss me out two days later after no contact
2. How to trade our things back.
I solved two. One bothers me but not enough for me to see him in a different light. I believe I’m alike to the girl from your scenario, minus one major detail-I have no intention of getting back with him. I guess i became pretty okay on my own in the relationship and maybe i had moved on before i realized it because he was just never there emotionally or in the flesh. I worried because he’s diabetic, would blame not taking care of himself and not doing his insulin regularly on me, which is bull because he had problems with it before. I refuse to play into his mind control tactics. Playing the victim was a way he controlled me. I’ve always believed you have one true chance in love, at least that’s true if my personality is in the mix. I lose all trust and respect for people easily. There’s a reason things don’t work in the first place. Whether his grass is green or not, it’s not my business. He’s human like I am, but he does things even my guy friends are confused about. I will say, I was his second serious relationship ever in his defense but… Something’s gotta give right?
admin
June 18, 2014 at 2:04 pm
Maybe he thinks just too much happened for you two to be friends…
Mel
June 16, 2014 at 12:52 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says he wants to focus on himself & his future. He said he lost some of his drive. He said he couldn’t focus on the relationship & couldn’t focus on what he wanted to do…so he chose to brake up.
This is where I’m torn. He has told me he loves me but doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to remain friends. At times when I have broken down he tells me I need to get over him that he “wants to be friends for now”.
I told him I was done & thought it was best to haveno contact. Then he tells me he again that he just wants to be friends that he isn’t gonna date because he is so busy. Then he breaks down & cries but still accepts my decision.
However, this didn’t happen. We still talk, txt & see each other.
I get so many mixed signals
I feel as though he still has feelings for me. I want to remain friends & try to be supportive in this journey he is taking. I feel like I just need to be patient. But it hurts. There is no guarantee we will resume our relationship we once had so I don’t know if I should stick around.
Broken
September 30, 2014 at 12:48 am
I have been with my bf for 6 years n he gave the same excuse That he needs to focus on him n his future but still loves me. M starting to think this is just an excuse to break up with us without hurting us..
admin
June 16, 2014 at 2:36 pm
How old is your boyfriend?
Mel
June 18, 2014 at 5:08 am
He is 25
Mel
June 16, 2014 at 4:46 pm
Oh & we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. It has been about 3 months since.
JellyFuzz
June 13, 2014 at 5:24 am
I need help… So I dated this guy for almost 3 years… when I met him I didn’t expect to fallin in love with him at first I thought he was annoying and after all I was with someone else but my bf at the time cheated on me and he was there to talk about how my bf at the time did me wrong and after 6 months of talkin he finally told me he was falling for me and I didn’t realized that I myself was walling for him, we would see each other at family parties and we would flirt so after 8 months he asked me to be his gf so I said yes but we had a bit of age diff we were 5 yrs apart , so we kept it low. do we just called it semi dating and on Christmas night I saw him and I hugged him for the first time and I felt like it was a fairy tail and I knew down deep this was different feeling than other guys. but the next day after Christmas I had found out he started dating my cousin. I felt torn and I couldn’t eat. I cried myself to sleep for 7 months… then he messaged me one night and we talked about it. he was embarrassed of what happen that night with my family and he didn’t know she was my cousin and that he was happy bc every time he was with her he thought of me so we took baby steps and I fell for him again and it was so great we would lay on his car and stair at stars and he was so amazing and every night we would video chat. It was really to good to be true and he was the guy I LET MYSELF BE MYSELF . But then after he got what he really wanted we stopped really talking we would go for weeks without talking and I knew then that I needed to move on. I broke up with him and 2 weeks later he said he missed me and I missed him like I lost a part of me and then we had a fight about a life changing thing that might of happen to both of us and he said he didn’t want any part of it and I got mad and told him I hope that I never met him and that he was mistake. and I knew then that I had broken his heart we didn’t speak for 9 months and now hes giving me mixed msg he likes my pictures on fb and sometimes txts me at night idk weather he hates me or not bc when I msg him he doesn’t reply. what should I do Its been almost a year now and I TRY MY best to move on but he’s always on my mind I just want my heart from hurting.
JellyFuzz
June 26, 2014 at 4:20 pm
yes , after he said sorry one night and had told me that he had felt sorry and horrible for what he did and somehow we got closer little by little
admin
June 15, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Are you still in contact with him?
Alice
June 12, 2014 at 11:50 pm
Hi Chris,
I broke with my boyfriend almost two years ago. The main problem is he was my best friend before going out and that he was in some way taking the place of my missing family.
The relationship was emotionally exhausting, and while he grew through it, it took a toll on me. I couldn’t accept that the person I could always lean on wasn’t a reliable or thoughtful partner, and so the relation lasted for years. He finally broke up with me in a not very nice for me way, and I’ve been trying to get on my feet since. Being friends after that didn’t work out, and we haven’t had any contact for almost a year.
I think I did everything that came to my mind to feel and be better (exercising, socialising, new activities…) but the deep sorrow feeling just doesn’t go away.
I’m pretty worried because I’m with another guy now, but my feelings are numb. He’s a wonderful guy I want to be with, and he doesn’t deserve to get less than I could give to a partner. And I don’t deserve to be able to feel or give less that I used to.
We’re OK, but I can’t commit. I can’t see myself sharing a future with anyone. I wouldn’t ever go back with my ex-boyfriend, and I don’t have him in mind all the time, it’s just he left a void. There was no resolution, no closure. I can handle my life, and work, and go out, and do everything just fine. But for being happy. And I don’t want a life like that, because I have such a wonderful potential for being happy…
I’m so out of ideas to get over it that, as you can see, I resorted to Google XD Could you please give me some kind of advice?
Thanks a lot
admin
June 15, 2014 at 3:49 pm
Well, you might have to be willing to lose him as a friend if you really want to get ove rhim.
Ansley
June 12, 2014 at 2:12 pm
Hi Chris,
Okay well, I like to think that my situation is really complicated, but I could just be overthinking the whole thing. Anyway, my ex and I broke up last year and this year he came back. I agreed to be friends with him and I thought we were good at being friends. Until one day he screwed me over by kissing me. It was because of that kiss that all my feelings came back. We would hug for the longest time when we had to leave and then one day he invited me over to his house to watch a movie. I said yes because I thought that’s what normal friends do. Well, we indeed watched a movie, but he moved over and tried to kiss me again. I told him I had to go home and then I left. A few days later he continued to kiss me and I just let it happen. I should have slapped him. Now, recently I told him I love him. I know big mistake. He told me that he liked me also but only as a friend. I told him friends don’t kiss each other. When he didn’t respond I asked him if he had any romantic feeling for me and he told me that he didn’t. I said okay and then told him I was burning dinner and had to go. We’ve had akward short conversations after that and now I just want to get over these feelings for him and still keep him as a friend. Am I making the right choice though? I’m not sure because I don’t understand him. It’s killing me. I don’t know what to do anymore.
admin
June 15, 2014 at 3:36 pm
So, what you are saying is you don’t really want him back? You just want to get over him?
Mel
June 16, 2014 at 4:43 pm
He is 25. I am three years older.
Ashley
June 12, 2014 at 4:31 am
My situation is so confusing and different. I daited a guy for two weeks and then a guy that I had always had a kinda dream crush on asked me to hang out with him. I told my boyfriend about it and he acted like he didn’t care. I texted the “dream guy” and then went over to his house with my friend and some of his buddies once my boyfriend left my house. After I went to the “dream guys” house my bf started texting me. He explained how he just wanted to be able to trust me with other guys… He also explained how he was really sad that his mom had tried to vomit suicide that week. Meanwhile we were just watching movies and talking and hanging out. I wasn’t even expecting anything to come of it. My friend who was with me was hooking up with another guy so I just let her do her thing and fell asleep. I woke up at like 4:00 am on his couch. He got up to go get blankets. We each had a separate blanket but kept moving closer to each other.. Soon we were cuddling and then he started kissing me. I didn’t know how to react and I was only thinking about my bf. But I kissed back. He asked to go to his room, I said no but he asked again and I was already right next to his room so he kinda pushed me in. He layed me down on his bed, kept making out, and then he took off my pants. He fingered me and got about a 1/2 pump in, but I did nothing to him. I told him we needed to stop. And then someone was knocking at the door. We quickly gathered ourselves and walked out. I immediately went home and called my bf. He picked me up and I told him everything that day.. He never really believed me that that was all to the story though. We fought for a week and broke up. We stayed broken up for about a month.. But kept talking and hanging out and doing stuff. We practically dated for the next 4 months and were a couple. We would fight about the night I cheated on him often and then just about a week ago he ended it with me. Everything had been fine he just said that he was tired of always getting mad. He wants to be friends. We lost out verginities to each other and have been through so much. I have met allllll of his family and gotten really attached to some of them. He was my first for literally everything and I love him, and he loved me. After I did stuff with the dream guy I realized that my the dream guy wasn’t my dream guy and my bf really was the best guy I knew and the real dream guy. I don’t know what to do. He is telling all my friends I need to get over him and even asked one of my friends to hang out and have sex. He even tells me that maybe eventually we can be back together. How do I either get him back to being my bf or at least friend. Or would it be best if I just get him out of my life?? I have no idea and just want to be with him and have him forgive me. It was the biggest mistake of my life, so far. PLEASE HELP!
admin
June 15, 2014 at 3:29 pm
Your biggest mistake was putting yourself in a position where you were with a guy with a dream crush?
Your boyfriend should not have been ok with that…. If it was me in his shoes I would have been very upset you even entartained the possiblity of going with this guy with a dream crush.
Eve
June 10, 2014 at 2:32 am
All this stories I can definitely relate to. Being with my ex boyfriend for 3 1/2 years is hard to get over. I can honestly say this guy fucked me up emotionally spiritually mentally and psychically. This guy has no idea what love is when it was right in front of his face. I’m sooo mad at the fact I wasted so much time and years when I could’ve been doing something with my life. Now I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. We’ve been back and forth for that long and it was never anything consistent. Now after all the hurt I’ve been thru I’m so numb to it all. This guy humiliated me put me down made me few insecure and he would tell me that all the time and the things and words he would say to me I felt he would do to make himself better. He would threaten me that he was gonna go behind my back and cheat on me and nut In somebody else. Is that normal??? Please someone tell me it’s not. I see now what my worth is and he doesn’t deserve me or deserve to be happy. He belittled me soo much that I was never this type of chick I never accepted any kind of disrespect but love is blind. This guy has so many deep scarred issues and daddy issues that i was always the target for his anger I was the target for all the negativity and to think this man was once that man I wanted to marry. He would disrespect me in front of his friends and his family. I’m so upset how much time I wasted on giving this guy my soul and my heart.
admin
June 10, 2014 at 4:01 pm
This is not normal.
He sounds like a scumbag.
Also abusive in an emotional way.
Good riddance I say.
Eve
June 17, 2014 at 2:47 am
Thank you slowly but surely I’ll get thru this like I have in the past. I just didn’t know how a human being can be so evil this way to the person he loved supposedly.
admin
June 17, 2014 at 8:53 pm
Anger has a way of doing that to people…
pandora
June 9, 2014 at 2:57 pm
Hi Chris,
Ok my situation is probably different.I dated this guy for almost a year,11months. I was devastated when he broke up with me just when I came back from a month vacation back home.We started as not ready for a relationship,more on his side.I agreed coz I wasnt ready aa well and end up being together without commitment.I have a son back home and I nver mentioned to him about it since I thought he waant serious or anything.Until time has passed he asked me to be his gf and being in a relationship with him.That time I was falling hard for him.We had great time together and I knew he loved me.I started breaking up with him but get back again coz I was feeling guilty of not telling him my situation coz I know one day I would bring my 8yr old son in here.I was so inlove that I disnt know what to do at that time till one day I confessed yo him.I tols him to let me go if he couldnt accept me but he said he doesnt want to.After 2months I went back home and surprised that I could get my son and bring him here.He was happy to hear thht but when I came back through text he said he wasnt ready to be a dad,he dumped me.I was very diaappointed and said he was extremly cruel and that I wish our path will not cross again.After text break up he never contacted me we dont have mutual friends and worst not facebook friends.Now after 7months full NC,I phoned him just wanted to talk to him and be civil(but I told him I misses him so much and said he missed me too)we talked for 2hours and asked him if we could be friends he said its not yet the right time coz he thinks I am not moved on yet but he even mentioned he’s not moved on as well yet.He asked long my hair got and thht he saw me in the mall with a guy but I said I wasnt been in that mall for avery long time.The truth I just wanted to meet up with him since we disnt have a decent break up.I just wanted to be friends with him or get the closure that needed and totally moved on.He aaked for my number in the ens coz he said he deleted it coz company changed their fone but confessed he disnt want to call me when hes attched.I gave him my number and said he will call me after a wewk coz he is finishing a project and before we ended the call he said hes moved and he wants me to be happy for him,and I said OK I am happy for him and ended the call.Ao its been a week paased disnt hear from him and I never contact him after that call.I am very confused how couls he not have balls to meet me when I am the one who got dumped cruelly and the one who reached out after 7months just to be civil and act like grown up people.Obviously he doesnt want to see me anymore or he w really want me out of his life.He mentioned in the called he felt being cheated oby me not telling him my situation before.I even sais sorry and thank him for everything and wishes him all the beat in the futufe.I feel so helpless,I didnt want him back I just wanted to have a decent closure but why he is treating me thi way???I ccnt believe therea people like this.Please advise me what should I do??
admin
June 10, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Are you looking to get over him or just to get him back?
Belinda
June 9, 2014 at 8:23 am
Ok i need advice on this… i was with him for 3 1/2 years, and it was great. we had our tiffs but we would make up on it and forget them. not a day went by i didnt hear i love you, or your my world, and other stuff like that, and when he would leave the house not even 5 mnutes later he would text and say i love you and i miss you and ill be home in a bit and it wouldnt stop there we woud tet the entire time he was gone. but one nght he was on the computer and i gave him a kiss and sd nte i was going to bed, and he said he would be in therein a few minutes, well i fell alseep and 3 hours passed and he was still up, so i got up and went to the living room where he was, he just logged off the computer and came to bed with me. he cuddled up to me and said i love you baby, what time do you need up for your DRs appt? i told him 9am so he set the alarm and i fell asleep n his arms. well i woke up a 10am and he was gone, i thought he got a call for a job so it didnt bother me so i got on the computer to check my facebook and email and he was no longer there at all, and he was still logged in to his email and he had bought a bus ticket to AZ, one way…… I still to this day have no idea what happened or why he left that way, and that he told others that he was planing this for 2 months already, if he wasnt happy why didnt he just tell me and leave?? it hurt so much more because i found out the hard way that he was not happy wth me and he never was the whole 3 1/2 years… why dd he hang around then?? he done so much for me. He treated me like i was his world, when i really ment nothing to him…. why?
admin
June 9, 2014 at 3:29 pm
That is horrifying….
That is something you only hear in a movie.
He just up and left to AZ without an explanation.
Eve
June 10, 2014 at 2:21 am
Damn that’s crazy I’m sorry
Belinda
June 10, 2014 at 12:16 am
yea… thats the jizt of it…. he just called me and said our roommate pissed him off so bad he didnt know what to do but run
Change in Perspective
April 23, 2014 at 12:58 pm
Heya,
The reason is more or less obvious why I am on this site. My situation is similar to others already mentioned. Just wanted to say ‘Thank You’ for all of your advice. Been to other websites and read some similar pointers but perhaps its the ‘Womans advice that needs to be heard in a Mans Voice’ that makes it resonate further 😛
F.E.A.R – Haven’t heard this before! I like that!
Anyway, thanks again!
admin
April 23, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Face Everything And Rise!!!!
Lindsey
April 20, 2014 at 6:59 pm
Hi Chris!
I just wanted to tell you how incredibly helpful I found your website to be! After my break up with my ex boyfriend of 2 years I was left completely heartbroken. I came to your site with the initial intention of trying to win him back. During the NC period, I began to realize how I did not even deserve my ex if my life! I have been in no contact from my ex for 4 months now and will continue this for an entire year (he also has not tried to contact me- which makes it a little easier). At times I still find it hard and wish he was still in my life however the emotional damage he has caused me is irreversible. Thank you so much for this website. It has helped me so much through my break up!
Lindsey
mv
April 20, 2014 at 1:16 pm
Well i havent talked to my ex in about 3 months
Some days i feel better
Others its just like the day after the breakup
I try remembering why we broke up… that knocks some sense into me.
Because of work i havent had much time for myself and on weekends i find myself missing him and his family…
I wish i pictured myself with someone else but that just isnt working in my brain.
I hope these feelings wear off soon.
Im tired of missing the past.
He was my buddy for many years and thats what i miss the most. And he was my first love and i was very dissapointed in the end.
Guess i better apply the stop being sorry for yourself thing.
admin
April 20, 2014 at 9:24 pm
So, are you just trying to move on at this point?
Tasneem
April 18, 2014 at 4:59 pm
Hi, I really do need help! I was dating this guy for past 6 months and we both were very serious. At least I was and he seemed. But 1 and a half month back after a fight he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He says he was tired of the endless fights and he doesn’t wanna lose his respect for me. And we had been on and off contact, like 6 days no contact and then talk for few days. But he never contacted first. I had a doubt that he has someone in his life and last week I found that he lied to me to attend this girl’s birthday. He kept on saying they are just friends but they talk over the phone all the time and they even work together. This girl is an actor and married (twice) and her ex-boyfriend leaked a pron of them few years back and she is kinda famous in the whole country.(I am not lying) I dont know why would he go for her! He says he loves me and no girl can take my place but he is tired of the fights and he tries to distract himself by talking to these girls. He never abused me or anything but he treated me real bad in last 1 months. Like never receiving my calls, saying how he doesn’t want me and stuffs. I admit that we had fights and it was my fault but I said sorry so many times and asked for a second chance. He said he needs time. Well, a breakup itself is hard enough, and I have my ex dating a country famous pronstar on the top. I am not 100% sure if he is dating her but they talk over the phone all the time. And he might have lied to me about meeting her as well. I really do love this guy and I miss him so much but I don’t think its a good idea to be with him again. Please help me!
admin
April 20, 2014 at 2:13 am
This is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard… a p*rnstar?
Seriously?
Maggie
April 12, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Chris,
I already thanked you once on the site (LDR post) but I want to do it again & give you an update. I made it through the 30 day NC, and my stubborn guy even contacted me on day 26 but I stood resolved and saw the NC through. We started talking again, casually. I followed your texting guidelines and things were progressing slowly but productively, as they should. It was difficult at times, because I feel that we back-tracked to the beginning of our relationship but you never once said it would easy.
When we met, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 yrs. He had told me before that he had had 3 serious (and unsatisfying) relationships, each lasting about 1.5-3 yrs. After each one, he would go off “soul searching” – quit his job, change cities, do whatever it took to find himself again. He said it was a necessary evil as he would get involved with a girl who seemed decent in the beginning but then would turn out to be the wrong choice… but he would stay because it was comfortable. It took a lot out of him sticking it out in a relationship for so long that clearly wasn’t working. When he met me, he was surprised how at ease he felt around me… he had never had that before. He had never really been “friends” with a gf until I came along and that was one of the reasons he was drawn to me.
As I attempted to “re-kindle” our relationship, I came to the realization that he never took a break between his last gf and me – because we became involved shortly after his last break-up. But like I said, we had such a connection and it felt so right, we dove in head-first with little thought of anything else. The heart wants what the heart wants, right?
His feelings for me are still very strong (judging from his texts to me) but I felt that it wasn’t enough. We are in a 2500 mile/different country LDR – that in itself is a huge obstacle. Coupled with his need to re-invest in himself… I came to the sad conclusion that this isn’t what I want right now. I don’t want to force something if he isn’t truly ready… I know he loves me so much he might give it a go again and ignore what he needs right now but that would come back and bite us in butts in the end, I think.
I love him with all my heart and want to be with him but I realized that isn’t enough. It doesn’t change our distance situation and the poor timing. I spoke to him about it and he agreed that while he loves me, he needs to be selfish and deal with himself right now. He admitted he knew that he had been hurting me, as well as his family and good friends, and he hated that but he felt very “tired” trying to everyone happy. I think that maybe before people can invest themselves in a relationship, especially one that takes a lot of work like ours, they need to be in a good place with themselves first.
A small part of me regrets letting him go, but he needs to see things through on his end and I need to carry on with my life. My friend, whom I told about this site, asked if I felt that the 30 day NC was a waste, considering I ended things in my relationship. I told it was anything but a waste – as I said before in a previous post, it gave me time to calm down and work on myself (emotionally, physically, mentally) – I am in a much better space because of it and I have grown as a person. I think that time started me on the path to “getting over” him, even though I wasn’t really sure how things would end up. We parted on good terms… He is a truly fantastic guy otherwise I would not have fallen in love with him. That being said, I’ve been where he is now and I know that you need to take care of yourself… being selfish can be a good thing at times. He says he still loves me with all his heart and that he has never connected with anyone like he has with me… and that he hopes he can see my smiling face again one day. I’m not holding out on that but you never know… the strangest circumstances brought us together so I can’t rule anything out at this point.
I’m not 100% over him yet and I still miss him a lot at times but it is getting so much easier… I can see my future without him and it still looks so bright! You reminded me that I am a real catch – smart, funny, pretty, caring (and now slightly less crazy) 😉 – with so much to offer. I’ve had two dates already with a great new guy and things are looking up.
Your site/e-books have been absolutely wonderful in terms of understanding the male mind, understanding myself, and understanding relationships in general. This knowledge will be a great tool that I can carry forward to my next relationship and I’m grateful to have it. I think it is fantastic how you take the time to read all the posts and respond to them… not an easy task! Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me get through this difficult time. You’re a real gem, Chris!
admin
April 13, 2014 at 4:29 pm
I used to read every single post but I can’t anymore. I respond to about 60% of them because thats all I can do really haha. But yours stuck out.
Can I ask you something.
Is there anything you would like me to write about?
Maggie
April 19, 2014 at 4:39 am
Little update: He emailed me a few days before I posted this. He said he could think of 100 reasons I would be “alright” and I agreed… I assured him that while I was sad as our relationship began to fall apart, I was now making some great changes in my life and things were improving. I did tell him that I had a date… not a jab, just wanted him to know I was moving on as we both placed an emphasis on honesty in our relationship. He waited a week then started emailing/texting me again… asked how my date was, kind of poking fun at the guy a bit even though I had said nothing about him.
So… maybe he’s a bit jealous, maybe he expected me to try to get him back, maybe he’s trying to be friends (although that seems a little against his personality)… I don’t really know what’s going through his head. But he has initiated all of this contact when I clearly gave him an “out” to move on and sever all ties.
It did get me thinking about guys & girls & their friendships… As a girl that has had many guys as friends over the years (probably more guy friends than girl friends), I think the dynamics are pretty interesting. I have never been attracted to any of my male friends but have had several of them attracted to at some point during our friendship. I understand that a guy will never be friends with a girl the same way that he is friends with another guy… I have had male friends say that their friendships with girls are never completely “unsexual” – that they would jump at the chance to sleep with that girl, even if she was just a friend.
Anyways, since you asked, maybe a post about friendships between guys and girls? I know you’ve touched on it a bit in other posts, mostly pertaining to friendships after a break-up but if you wanted to expand on the topic, that would be great. Thanks again, Chris 🙂
Anna Ruth Hall
April 7, 2014 at 1:03 am
Hey Chris, for this part above:
“Rebound Relationship- A relationship starting at least 2 months after a breakup and lasting for only a total of 3-5 months.”
Do you mean “A relationship starting NO MORE THAN two months after a breakup…” ? Rather than “at least?”
admin
April 7, 2014 at 4:51 pm
Yes pretty much haha.
Liz
April 2, 2014 at 10:42 pm
Do you cover more of this in your ebook? This is really good advice just want to know if anymore i can read upon. Also, what if your trying to get over a ex who cheated on you? Oh, and what if he has a rebound girlfriend now? Is there a extra set of rules to this? Please and thank you for your help!
admin
April 4, 2014 at 4:40 pm
I cover a lot in the ebook.
How to get over an ex I don’t though. I will probably be writing an ebook in the future on that though.
Michelle
March 30, 2014 at 8:48 am
Hey Chris, I am going through a break up and it is literally breaking my heart. I need you help! I have been with This guy for the last 10 months of my life and I’m still in school and he’s older me I’m at school has a full-time job and it was perfect for the first 9 months we were inseparable. And in the last month of our relationship everything decides to go downhill and we fought every day and had pointless arguments. Then we so worked everything out right before his birthday and we have had sex before and on his birthday I decided that I want to wait because we have sex for a while and I wanted to continue waiting until everything was back to the way it started and he got angry at me because I wanted to wait and he thought it was a stupid idea and got very mad and told me to get f***** and broke up with me. And so then I was like .. Yep not worth my time tried my Best to get over him. It’s been two weeks and I call him maybe once every few days to see what he’s doing and what is been up to he’s not very interested in what I been up to. And then I called today to see what he was doing and he told me that he had been with other girls since we broke up and I am all over the place and I still love him very much but I can’t believe that he has gotten over me in 2 weeks! I don’t know what to do! Please help me!
Kristine
March 26, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Okay, I am letting him go. I am done.
Even though I know he still has feelings, even though I know he checks up on me everyday through facebook and asks friends about me. And even though I know he has some regrets. Even though I know he is still in love with me. I have to let this all go.
Our relationship was for 5 years, we were going to get married, we did not live in the same town (yet only a couple hours away), but I was supposed to move. It ended, he ended it. And I have spent the last 5 months working on me and feeling better about me. Dating, meeting new people and getting to know my old friends again. And through all of that I see that I am really okay without him. Yes, I miss him and love him very much, but that doesn’t mean I have the energy to try and win him back. Because, honestly, if he wanted to be with me he would be making an effort to do so. I have made myself available as a friend, I have done NC, and I have not been a crazy girl. After the initial breakup I made myself available, but not too available. I followed all the rules and while I could continue to try and bring him back, I don’t have the stamina for it any longer. I don’t want to spend my days thinking about it any longer. I refuse to continue to overanalyze ever word he says, writes, or what I imagine he is thinking. I don’t want to try and formulate texts and conversations. Worrying about saying too much or not enough. Waiting for those moments he reaches out to me, but always wanting more. I am realizing that I don’t want that man who he became, and that the man who he was doesn’t seem to be there at this time. At least not for me. I don’t want to spend all this time giving my time and energy to someone who has mostly moved on but likes to hold onto a gossamer thread of what I was to him. I cannot do this any longer. I refuse to be the girl in the background waiting for someone to throw me a little attention. I deserve so much more.
I am moving him out of that space in my heart that I can give to someone else who wants to be there. He will always have a portion of my heart, but just not in the same way. It is time to make room for someone and something new.
It really is quite liberating, while at the same time sad, to be letting go. Yet, it is sad to continually try for something or someone and not receive it. If he is meant to be in my life than he will find a way back in. If he is not, then I truly accept that and look at all of this as just a part of my journey to someplace even better than where I was.
He will certainly wonder about me, he will certainly be expecting to hear from me. Especially on his birthday in the next few days. He will be looking at his phone checking for a text and checking his email to see if something has popped in. It won’t. He will check my Facebook to see if there are any updates he can see. There will not be. He will eventually ask a friend how I am…and I will be fine. He will then eventually reach out to me and I will not respond. And if he continues to reach out, eventually I will tell him that I have let him go and that I am much happier because of it. Yet, I will say that only if he persists in reaching out to me, and more importantly…if I feel like it.
I thank you Chris for this website and all of the sound advice you give. It truly is good advice and will work. And quite possibly, maybe probably, if I continued on the path to bring my ex and I back together I would be successful. Yet, I just do not feel I have the energy or the time to do so any longer. My life has some wonderful possibilities that do not include my ex, but are good for me. So, I am moving on. On my own, not in a new relationship, not expecting someone to come in and sweep me off my feet. On my own, because this break up, this opportunity to rediscover me again has made me stronger and able to do so.
Do not hold on to the past. Embrace your future, if parts of your past are meant to be with you…they will catch up.
Emilia
April 1, 2014 at 2:23 pm
Hi Kristine,
Thank you for this, this is exactly how I feel right now. My ex and I were together for 8 years. And he ended it abruptly so I have been quite confused and halfhearted about getting him back, but now I’ve read about your wonderful resolution to move on, it has given me so much hope to move on as gracefully as you do.
So thank you because this gave me the motivation that I needed.
Wishing you the best on your new path in life!
Kristine
April 3, 2014 at 9:44 pm
Hi Emelia
Thank you for saying that I have moved on gracefully, I am trying. At times in my head I am still feeling a little frantic and far from graceful, but I know that it is all going alright.
We deserve to be so very happy and not struggling to regain a person who doesn’t appreciate who we are.
We are all going to be okay. If they care for us they will connect, and then it is in our hands as to how we want to handle it. If they do not, then it just makes way for a new wonderful option(s) in or lives that never would have been able to present themselves to us before.
Wishing you the very best also.
Nata
March 27, 2014 at 2:19 am
Hey there ..I feel like you now. You used the exact words that’s on my mind for the last fee weeks. My relationship lasted 7 months barely. After that for 2months I was trying to have him put as much effort as I was putting in the relations, which he stopped doing for a long time already. Two weeks ago I felt so tired of waiting for him to do something about us, to be loving, caring, attentive, someone he used to be! I have up, I stopped all the contact with him. As you said, I don’t have the time and energy to make him realize he is making a mistake. I want to let him go… If he really wants, he will do everything to have me back, if not than it was not supposed to work out between us! I have learnt a lot from this relations and I thanked him last time I emailed him saying good bye! I am so tired, all of us deserve someone who is sure what he wants. Man can be stupid, let them be, as it’s thief lose! Stay strong and hope for the best! I haven’t seen him a month and haven’t spoken with him for two weeks, but I feel better with each passing day. I go out, go to gym, meet with friends, study, work so really can’t bother about him not calling or texting anymore! Sorry for long letter, just liked your comment here, it came from my heart and present situation !!!!
Lyn
April 18, 2014 at 12:14 am
Have you visited EXaholics before? They’re great.
Kristine
March 29, 2014 at 2:10 pm
Hi Nata
Thank you for your response. After I posted that I was concerned I might have remorse afterwards for my decision to let it all go. I don’t. I think I will need to continue to heal from the breakup for awhile, but I believe that a good portion of that healing will be done by just not allowing the continual need to try to recover something that isn’t available to me currently.
You are so correct in just letting the man who has let you go, just be. Who wants to be the needy girl? Even if he doesn’t see that needy girl and she just exists in our head We want a man who truly wants to be with us, not convinced and who needs to be shown the error of his ways. Because, if they don’t see the good and how special it all was and how wonderful we are…well let him go and move on.
Being on ones own is better than trying to vie for the attention of someone that doesn’t recognize how wonderful we are currently.
Go out and do all you are doing, and I am doing the same. Truly can say I feel happier now letting go and allowing the future to come to me and not try to coerce it into something that it currently isn’t.
Thank you again, your message helped me to see again I am doing just fine 🙂
Nata
April 24, 2014 at 5:14 am
Hey Kristine, we think similarly 🙂 I have done my NC and haven’t contacted him and I am not going to. I miss him, yes, but it is getting better with time. He knows that I love him, and I know him if he feels like being with me, he will do everything. He has not contacted me it’s been more than a month. We haven’t had big fights or anything, just some arguments and conversation before the break up. He was a nice guy, and I am a really good girl and he knows it. We haves little bit different characters, but we could work it out if he would really put an effort. I hope everything is ok with you.
Would love to know if you have any news 🙂
Lucy
March 24, 2014 at 5:54 pm
Hey,
I just got out of a 1year 9month relationship.
I’m at school with the guy and well in the last week we were together he tried to cheat on me twice. He dumped me via text in a lesson. The next day he was all over this girl he tried to cheat on me with and now (a week later) they’re on hugging terms and obviously great buddies.
The thing is…we had sex, but he pressured me into it loads, he also used to push my head down if I said no to a blowjob. He also tried to make me have anal by yanking down my trousers.
But now we’re over he’s all over this other girl, I know I’m good to be out of the relationship, but it hurts so much I can’t stop thinking about him and her. I’m only young I shouldn’t be going through this pain yet.
He used to be my best friend (I let him out the friend zone after 9momths) them the changed and became obsessed with spending time with mates and yeah.
Basically he’s messed with me big time, and I read your article thing and I can’t decide which option to choose. Friends or no contact what so ever.
I’m only stuck because our families are going to centreparks at the same together in a coupled of months and I’m going to Berlin with him and as small group from school.
What should I do – I want nothing to do with him atm but my opinion changes continuously
admin
March 25, 2014 at 4:30 pm
Just ignore him then. Even in person. Be nice and everything but just keep your distance.