By Chris Seiter

Published on June 6th, 2022

Today we’re going to talk about the five core strategies you can use to cope with a breakup that you didn’t want.

In this in depth guide you’re going to learn,

  1. Always Start With A No Contact
  2. The Holy Trinity Global Vs. Local Goals
  3. Finding A Magnum Opus Goal
  4. Crafting Your Own Sphere Of Influence
  5. You Are Responsible For Your Happiness, Not Your Ex

So, if you’re ready to go all in on learning the very best way to cope with a breakup you didn’t want then look no further because you are in the right place.

Let’s begin!

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Strategy #1: Everything Starts With A No Contact Rule

If you aren’t familiar with the no contact rule then you have probably been living under a rock. I mean, even George Lucas has heard of it,

To quote Mr. Lucas,

And it really does come down to a simple rule of life. And the rule is, when you break up with somebody the first rule is no phone calls. The second one is you don’t go over to their house to see what they’re doing. The third one is you don’t go over to their coffee shop to check up on them. You just say nope, gone.

See, I told you the creator of Star Wars knew what a no contact rule is. Of course, our version of no contact is slightly different.

Here’s our definition,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

The keyword there being “outgrowing your ex.”

One of the biggest “A Ha” moments that my team and I have had in the last few years came when we were studying our success stories. If you aren’t familiar, from time to time we will interview someone who went through our program and successfully were able to recover their relationship with their ex.

We became obsessed with trying to understand what set the successful people apart from the unsuccessful ones. Turns out, it has more to do with their world view than anything else.

The people who did well with their exes got to this place emotionally where they literally didn’t want their ex back anymore. They had outgrown them.

That’s not to say that they wouldn’t take them back if the opportunity arose. Many of them clearly did. However, I think the key distinction is that these individuals knew they would be ok. They knew that life would go on. This too shall pass so to speak.

So, really that’s what we are all about here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is helping you achieve this mentality and it really does start during no contact.

By limiting your contact with your ex in that post breakup period you keep the main thing the main thing. It allows you to focus on “the holy trinity.”

Strategy #2: The Holy Trinity Global And Local Goals

You are familiar with my holy trinity concept, right?

Basically you can divide your life up into three distinct categories in which everything can fall into.

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Use this graphic to help you understand the wide ranging implications of what is included,

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But that’s actually not what I want to talk about today. What I’d like to talk about is a failing that most of our clients have when they come through our program.

Namely, they don’t set any global or local goals.

So, what are global or local goals?

  1. Global Goals: Large goals that will take years to achieve
  2. Local Goals: Are the smaller steps that help you achieve your global goal

For each aspect of the holy trinity you must first set a very large global goal. I’ve briefly touched on this concept in the past and used myself as a Guinea pig to illustrate the global goals.

  1. Health: Complete An Iron Man Race
  2. Wealth: Find A Way To Make 100 Million Dollars
  3. Relationships: Be Present For My Family

Generally speaking it’s not a good global goal unless it seems sort of impossible to achieve and here’s perhaps the most difficult thing for people to wrap their heads around.

Once you achieve your global goal (if you do get lucky enough) you immediately set another global goal even higher than before.

So, circling back around to the whole reason this article is being written. Too often I’ll work with individuals only to find out that they haven’t really considered any of this for their lives.

Or they’ll literally talk themselves out of it claiming, “I could never achieve that.” They defeat themselves before they even try.

Let’s talk a bit now about setting your magnum opus goal.

Strategy #3: Finding A Worthy Magnum Opus Goal

The magnum opus goal is sort of different than your holy trinity goal.

Most of the time it can fit within one of the three categories. So, essentially by achieving your magnum opus goal you can fulfill all characteristics of the trinity.

My check for the magnum opus is often by asking myself one simple question.

If I were to do this for the rest of my life would I be happy?

If the answer is yes then that means you found a worthy magnum opus pursuit.

If the answer is no then you need to keep looking.

Once again, I’ll be happy to use myself as a guinea pig.

I’ve talked about this in the past before, I’m writing a fantasy novel and this may be a weird statement since I’ve never technically verbalized it but I guess I’m trying to create the next game of thrones.

Or at least something that is as revered as it was during its time.

I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’ll succeed. That’s not the point. The truth is that I’d be happy if the novel series is universally liked but never makes it onto the screen.

For me it’s more the process of creating that brings me joy and fulfillment.

But let’s have some fun with this and assume that the idea takes off and becomes something.

Technically speaking all three areas of the holy trinity will intersect and be fulfilled.

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  1. Health: I just said I’m happies creating
  2. Wealth: Might be able to make a full time living from it
  3. Relationships: I’d get to meet all kinds of amazing creatives (I already have actually)

It’s a worthy magnum opus pursuit.

Here’s the final thing I’ll say about it before I move on.

The magnum opus is more about lifelong dreams than anything. It’s ok to set out on a quest on some unobtainable goal. That’s the point and it’s a healthy thing to do because what it’s doing is it’s forcing you to ask a question you probably haven’t asked yourself in a long time.

What is it that you want out of your life?

Strategy #4: Creating Your Own Sphere Of Influence

Lately I’ve been taking a bit of flack for my comments on sphere of influence.

Sphere Of Influence: The people you surround yourself whose opinions you truly care about

The controversial part is me quoting this line from billions,

“I don’t hold on to a loser. The moment it doesn’t feel right I let it go and get away from it.”

The argument I’m trying to make is that who you surround yourself with after a breakup matters greatly to how you respond to that breakup.

We’ve seen this simply by paying attention to how people transform within our private facebook support group. Yet my argument comes under scrutiny with how I recommend to people on how to handle those individuals in your sphere of influence who aren’t adding much to your life.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had that one friend who takes more than gives.

Who makes everything about them.

Who isn’t there when you need them most.

My question is a simple one, why should you still be friends with them if they add no value to your life? You are clearly adding value to their life.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make.

Start taking a good long look at your own sphere of influence. Create your own super team of individuals to surround yourself with.

And yes, this includes taking a look at your ex.

Sometimes during the mental calculus you’ll learn that your ex isn’t worth including anymore.

Strategy #5: You Are Responsible For Your Own Happiness, Not Your Ex

I’ve always found it odd how individuals expect relationships to make them happy. As if finding the perfect relationship will somehow resolve their depression.

It’s a trap that leads you down a very dangerous path because it creates within you an unrealistic expectation that your partner is the solution to all of your problems.

I mentioned this in my article a few days ago, but recently I was watching a movie called Before Midnight,

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And a line was delivered for me that was profound,

ANNA: My grandmother’s mother wrote to our whole family a twenty-six page letter from her deathbed. And she spent
three pages on the costumes she did for a play and only one paragraph on her husband.

JESSE: Was she an actress too?

ANNA: No, she was a… (in French) How do you say, seamstress?

CELINE (in English) A seamstress. Seamstress.

ANNA Seamstress…and she had all these wonderful friends. About my great grandfather she mentioned three
events: He went to the war, we moved because of his job, and he died. Her big advice was not to be too consumed with romantic love. Friendships and work, she said, brought her the most happiness.

For me this is an important lesson to teach individuals after a breakup who aren’t acting or thinking rationally. The more you become convinced that your ex is responsible for your own happiness the more you are going to be disappointed.

The truth is everything starts here, (points to head) and then once you take care of that things will start happening here, (points to heart).

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