Today we’re going to talk about how often dismissive avoidants come back after they go through a breakup. Interestingly, there are a lot of resources out there talking about this. Unfortunately, almost all of them focus on “exes” in general and fail to take into account the nuanced approach dismissive avoidants require.

In my opinion, dismissive avoidants usually won’t come back to you unless they are given enough time to begin “longing” for you and even then they tend to like fawning after you from afar. So, most people don’t ever think their dismissive avoidant ex wants them back because there are no “big” signs.

Today though, I’m going to show you exactly what the experience is like in that post breakup period. Starting with the following,

• Familiarize Yourself With The Relationship Wheel Of Death
• The Separation Elation Factor
• The Depressive Episode
• The Longing Episode
• The Phantom Ex Category

Let’s begin!

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Everything Runs Through The Relationship Death Wheel For An Avoidant

Perhaps we should start by actually defining what a dismissive avoidant is.

Someone who has dismissive avoidant tendencies is usually fiercely protective of their own independence. So, if they enter into a relationship where that independence gets threatened they usually do everything they can to keep that independence which usually involves leaving.

Every dismissive avoidant is caught in the same relationship wheel of death that they can’t ever seem to escape.

Of which there are eight main stages.

1. They want someone to love them
2. They find someone who they think is the new person
3. Then they start to notice some worrying things about that new person (usually any type of insecure attachment behaviors)
4. They start contemplating leaving
5. They decide to actually leave
6. They are happy they left
7. Then they feel lonely
8. Then they feel sad that they can’t ever find the right person

And then the wheel goes around and around and around. Crushing new and old relationships alike. What I’d like to do in this article is use this wheel to explain the post breakup behaviors you’ll typically see from a dismissive avoidant.

Honestly, if you really think about it there are three main phases that occur in the post breakup time period.

1. There is the separation elation period
2. The depressive episode period
3. The longing episode

Each of these are integral to understanding how an avoidant operates and when they are likely to come back. Before I jump into the three phases I’d like to put forth an idea.

One of the reasons that it’s so hard to explain how often dismissive avoidants come back is because they need to experience these three phases in order to feel like they want to come back.

Unfortunately, many of our clients don’t ever give them the time and space to experience those stages because they lack the emotional control necessary for such a function.

It’s the very reason that the no contact rule is such an essential strategy but enough chit chat. Let’s dive in deeper.

Understanding The Separation Elation Period

For reference, that’s stage number six on the death wheel,

According to Free To Attach,

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

Being a dismissive avoidant myself I thought I’d add my own personal experience.

In college I dated a girl for nine months and broke up with her very suddenly. Interestingly, I think it had more to do with my own insecurities more than anything else. I just didn’t like the person I was becoming and was tired of fighting every single day.

Anyways, like with all relationships that you want to work when you are in the midst of them you convince yourself that “this is it, this is going to be the one.”

Yet, strangely after the relationship devolved into nothing but arguments and name calling I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with her.

The relief I felt immediately afterwards was indescribable. It felt like I could smile again for the first time in months.

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This was the initial separation elation kicking in.

Finally, it was just me again. I didn’t have the pressure of worrying about someone else. I just had to worry about little old me.

Of course, like all dismissive avoidants you get caught up in the separation elation which leaves you unprepared for what happens next.

The Depressive Episode Period

Once again, pulling from Free To Attach,

But they can have a depressive episode from 2-4 months after a breakup, manifested in feeling numb, disconnected and meaningless, which they may try to repress. Everybody needs deeper connection, but often avoidants don’t recognise they need their partners until the partner actually loses interest and leaves, through separation, divorce, also death, illness, or something else. Then, when they finally realise nobody is “in the house”, that’s when the crisis hits. It’s then that a very deep depression can happen, because they actually want connection and ultimately a safe, secure attachment like anybody else.

Are you familiar with the concept of causality?

It’s essentially a fancy way of referring to cause and effect.

What you’ll find is that if you want an answer to how often avoidants come back you need to understand the cause and effect that gest them to the mental state where they start considering it.

First comes the separation elation where they are so happy to have reclaimed their independence. They are happy not to have to worry about you anymore.

Next comes the depression. The realization that they might “end up alone” which is something they don’t want deep down.

This puts them in the perfect state of mind for “longing.”

The Longing Episode

In this video I talk about what conditions need to be present in order for an avoidant to “miss you.”

Avoidants typically long for an ex when they encounter the paradox of feeling safe but at the same time grow lonely.

They also need to feel like you have moved on from them. Remember, avoidants get freaked out by losing their independence so if you are constantly “trying to win them back,” or “blowing up their phone trying to fix the relationship.”

You’ll end up extending the separation elation period.

You are essentially reminding them of why they broke up with you in the first place.

Nevertheless, if you do give them enough time and they enter this longing stage this is often where you are most likely to get them back.

But don’t expect them to reach out and ask for you back.

Remember, avoidants prefer phantom exes over real ones.

Understanding The Phantom Ex

If you want a deeper understanding of the phantom ex I recommend you read this article I wrote or simply watch this video,

Essentially though the most important concept for us to understand is the paradox that lies at the heart of every avoidant.

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The dismissive avoidant wants someone to love them fiercely but at the same time won’t let anyone close enough to love them.

You can start to see why a “phantom ex” that they can selectively remember the “good times” with is preferable. It’s a relationship that they can bask in the memory of the connection with but not get close enough to get hurt.

This is often why we don’t see avoidants reaching out during a no contact rule.

Free To Attach backs this up as well,

But often avoidants won’t initiate contact with their exes, and they rarely unilaterally initiate reuniting because it creates uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, and they can feel they don’t know how go about fixing things.

In other words, even if they go through this process where they are remembering you fondly don’t expect them to reach out to you and try to “get you back.”

If anything, you will still have to do the work.

That doesn’t mean they won’t reach out. There are exceptions to every rule and a lot of times our clients show me times where their dismissive avoidant reaches out to them to prove me wrong.

Only when they look a little deeper their ex is actually a fearful avoidant and one of the things that separates a dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant is this singular fact right here.

Dismissive avoidants are a lot tougher to communicate with post breakup because they are mostly avoidant.

Fearful avoidants are a lot easier to communicate with post breakup because their anxious side can sometimes take hold and cause them to engage with you.

So, coming back to the original question on how often dismissive avoidants come back. It’s been my opinion that they often don’t come back on their own accord. They are a lot more comfortable putting you in a box as a phantom ex that they can fawn over from afar.

However, that doesn’t mean they don’t reach a place emotionally where they are susceptible to coming back, they do. It’s just quieter.

Luckily for you, you know now how read their silence.