Today we’re going to be looking at how long after a breakup you should entertain the idea of going on a date with someone else. Now, there’s a lot of different theories out there on if it’s ok to casually date after a breakup or even if it’s disrespectful to date after a breakup.
This article is going to tackle those questions by attempting to show you what our real life clients have experienced when they’ve gone on dates after a breakup.
Here are some of the things we’re going to cover,
- How Long You Should Be Waiting Before Dating Someone Else After A Breakup
- The Importance Of Dating During A No Contact Rule
- Why Rebounds Get A Bad Rap
- Why Going On Dates Creates More Value For You
How Long You Should Be Waiting Before Dating Someone Else After A Breakup
I happen to disagree with most of the other experts out there. Generally the answer most people in the industry give when confronted with this question is,
Take as much time as you need.
Wait until it feels right.
Look, you are the boss of your life, not me, so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. Pretty much the goal to dating is to find the relationship that best fits your life. That doesn’t change when someone breaks up with you.
In fact, I think a huge argument can be made that your ex partner did you a favor initiating the breakup (assuming they did initiate the breakup.) I recently had the pleasure of interviewing a success story earlier this week.
This one in fact,
She not only got her ex back but she ended up deciding he wasn’t worth her time anymore and broke up with him and found someone new. What resonated with me about her situation was the very last question I asked her.
Every time I interview a success story I always end the interview by asking them the same question.
If you had to pick one thing that was the most important part of the process to your success what would it be?
Most people stick with the core three,
- No contact
- Growth during no contact
- A specific thing said
But Lee kind of went of script in the most beautiful way possible.
She basically said the most important thing for her success was one simple word, ok.
It’s that attitude you have when an ex rejects you because they think they can do better than you and you’re willing to bet on yourself that they’re wrong. The subtext of that “ok” is essentially you saying, “We’ll see.” Basically an admission that your ex won’t be able to find anyone better than you.
Now, what does any of this have to do going on dates with other people after a breakup?
In my opinion, the question is phrased incorrectly. It shouldn’t be “how long” before you go on a date with someone new. It should be what mindset should I have before I go on a date with someone else. So, to answer the ultimate question. You should only be going on a date with someone else if you have the “we’ll see” mindset after the breakup.
How do you get that mindset?
Well, it starts with the no contact rule.
The Importance Of Dating During The No Contact Rule
There’s no question that the no contact rule is the most popular strategy that most of our clients implement post breakup. For those who are uninitiated with the way we approach it here’s our official definition,
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
The key component to it is that “outgrowing” part. This makes the no contact rule a good idea no matter what your goal is post breakup, whether it’s to get an ex back or get over them.
Of course, it’s never an easy thing to simply cut an ex off even if it is temporary. All of a sudden you’ll find there’s a void in your life and you’ll naturally look for ways to fill it during no contact. Most people make the mistake of trying to use other people to fill the void (and while research has shown there is some merit to that idea) I think your intentions are super important here.
Remember, the goal during no contact is to outgrow your and you do this by betting on yourself.
You’ll often hear me talk a lot about this concept called “the trinity.”
You divide your life up into three distinct categories,
- Relationships (outside of your ex)
Then you spend all of your time maximizing the areas of trinity which in turn builds your confidence and gives you a more fulfilling life. Now, we can talk all day about health and wealth and the impact they have on you but one area that sort of gets neglected after a breakup is the relationships portion of the trinity.
Remember, these are relationships outside of your ex.
Essentially any relationship with someone else (including animals) that you deem important enough to care about can impact the relationships portion of the trinity in a positive way.
Going on dates with other people certainly helps this area as well. In fact, we’ve consistently found that our clients tend to point to dating other men during their no contact rule as helpful towards their overall evolution post breakup. Jamie, one of the best success stories I had the pleasure of interviewing is a huge believer in dating other men during no contact,
Yet society often shames those that choose to take this approach.
Well, I think it has something to do with the idea of rebounds and all the negativity revolving around them.
Why I Think Rebounds Get A Bad Rap
What if I were to tell you that everything you think you know about rebound relationships might be wrong.
An interesting article from Psychology Today makes reference to a study that learned that rebound relationships can actually help you move on quicker from a breakup,
Focusing on someone new, according to the limited research on the subject of rebound relationships, can help a person recover from a break-up.1 This does not necessarily mean that the new relationship is valued less than the previous one. In fact, the new relationship can prove to have far greater worth than the previous relationship since it is through the comparison of need satisfaction that fulfillment is judged.
I bring this up to you because according to research rebounding/ going on dates after a breakup is one of the best ways for you to recover. Of course, I think it all comes down to intent.
If you are intending to use someone else to make your ex jealous then you’re missing the point.
The truth is that you’re hitting on a profound topic when you start dating other people after a breakup.
Why Going On Dates With Other People Creates More Value For You
Take a moment and study this graphic,
This is what I like to call my commitment circle. Essentially my argument is that there are a combination of six factors that create a “need” for commitment within the person you’re dating.
- Fear of Loss
But the truth no one ever seems to talk about is that really three factors can only be obtained by dating other people or dating in general. More on that in a second. First things first, each one of the six factors is designed to make you into a higher value target for a romantic partner.
- Satisfaction: We only want to date someone who makes us feel satisfied.
- Alternatives: We only want to stay committed to someone because we think there are no better alternatives
- Fear of Loss: If we fear that we’re going to lose you it makes us value you more
- Scarcity: There’s only one of you… You’re one of a kind. What makes you one of a kind?
- Urgency: Is there an urgent reason to commit to you right now?
- Investment: How much have we invested into this relationship?
Again, each of these tenets makes us more valuable in our partners eyes but specifically pay attention to the ones I put in bold.
- Alternatives: Your partner potentially comparing you to other people or you comparing other people to your partner.
- Fear of Loss: Your partner afraid to lose you to someone else
- Urgency: Your partner needs to commit to you before you commit to someone else
Going on dates with other people make you more valuable not just to your ex but to all men or women who you might be in the market for. I don’t really buy into the idea that you should wait to date until you feel perfect.
In my experience there is no “perfect time.”
Yes, you should wait until you have adopted the right mindset but even with the right mindset there are going to be times when you aren’t feeling it.
Times where you just want to give up on dating in general.
There’s no such thing as a perfect time which means you’re going to probably have to make it for yourself.