The Definitive Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

8,583 thoughts on “The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

Jaybie

May 17, 2015 at 4:04 am

I broke up with my ex bf of 14 months 5 days ago.

We had big fight, April 30. He broke up with me that day, because he was hurt and got tired of our petty arguments and complained about how I can casually say if we should continue our relationship or not. Everytime we have a fight, I always say those words. So when he blew up that day, he told how can I just throw it all away and he had enough. He said he can’t take the pain anymore and he needed some space since he had a lot on his mind. Being angry myself, I agreed. We were just texting that time because we were at work. I didn’t text him until duty was off. When I decided to talk to him personally, I texted him that I’m going to wait up on him outside the gym. We talk after his gym time. I told him what I feel. I asked him if we still have a chance to be okay, he said he’s not sure. I asked if what he was thinking. He told me that he got hurt and doesn’t want to get hurt again. He also told me that he became numb, that his feelings for me lessened. He said he doesn’t want to invest more feelings. I broke down because of that. I told him that I understood what he wanted. I told him though what he told me hurt, it can never compare to the hurt if he’s not in my life. I asked him if he love me, he said he does but it got lessened. I ask if he wants to give us a chance, he just hugged me tightly. We took it as an unspoken word that we’re back together. After that, he told he was pressured with his problems, which I’m aware of. I comforted him and told him that I’m just here for him. We went home after that. When I told him I love him, he replied I love you too.

But right after that, he treated me coldly. (We didn’t see each other since that, communication was mainly thru text) He doesn’t put emoticons in his texts, which he used to do. His replies were short. 2 days after that talk, I asked him what’s wrong, if we can talk about us. He just told me that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it, but just asked him if he could answer one question. I asked if he still loves me. He said he still do. So I let go of the topic. But still, he was emotionally distant and cold. 4 days after that, I tried opening the topic again (thru text). He said he doesn’t want to because it’s tiring to fight again. I told him that we can still talk without fighting, so he agreed. I asked him if he was force out of pity to get back together with me. He said it’s not the case. So I asked him why he was treating me this way, he told me that I already know why. I told him honestly that he changed, that he’s not the man I knew before, the one I fell in love with. He just told me that that man was already gone. I asked him if that man will come back, if there’s a chance for us to be back what we used to be. He just told me he doesn’t know. So I put the topic down. I talked with him with casual topics only, to avoid the tension. I didn’t pester him much, giving him small space.

May 5, I asked him if I can watch his game (he plays badminton), he said okay. When I got there, one of the players asked him, “Oh? Why is she here? You said she’s annoying?”. I got hurt by that, I guessed that he told them about our situation. He reassured me that it was not true and that it was just a joke. I let it slide so there will be no more fights. After the game, we went on our way to go home. In the past, we used to hold each other closely while walking, but that time there was distance and it was awkward. He waited on me to ride home (we live separately). Though I still want to talk, I thought that I should get on my way so that he can go home since his duty next day is early. So we went home.

May 7, I asked him if we can see each other. He agreed easily. We met at a mall, ordered take out, and went to a hotel. That time, I thought that if we get intimate, it will soften the situation. And it did. We cuddled, our conversation went smoothly, we laughed and commented on the shows we watched. I really thought that we were going to be okay from then on. After watching a cooking show about burgers, we decided to go eat some the next day, our 14th monthsary. When we went home, we still text. His texts were a lot better that the past few days. That’s why I believed we were gonna be okay. Before we went to bed, he greeted me in advance for our monthsary and he said he love me. I did the same.

May 8, our 14th monthsary. I was excited. I dressed up. I can’t wait until duty was done. But after my last class (I’m a teacher), he sent me a text that he will take long. I asked him why. He said that his division was assigned to buy food for their company outing the next day. I ask if I’ll just go home, if it wil really take long. He said it will. So I went home disappointed. I expectes a lot that day. When he was going home, he texted he was sorry. Just the word sorry, nothing else. I was still disappointed, so I texted him like he didn’t have a choice. He said he didn’t because he’s the only guy with a group of women to buy food. It made me angry because he was with women. So I told him that I understand, but I’m stil disappointed that our date didn’t push through. He kinda blew up. He told me that what do I want him to do, to get angry just for that. I told him that he didn’t have to let me feel that we was just okay that we didn’t meet. He told me that it was just okay so that I don’t have to spend money. I got angry by that. I told him that money didn’t mattered to me, that I just want to spend time with him because it was our monthsary and they have a company outing the next day and I’m going trekking with friends on Sunday, and I don’t know when we were going to meet up again. I also told him on the same text that it was a good thing that the date didn’t pushed through because it would have just wasted my effort since it didn’t mattered for him as much as it mattered to me. He didn’t reply to me after that.

May 9, it was there company outing. He still didn’t text me. I know that they have to be on there way early because the venue was very far from the city. So I texted him if they already went on their way or if they have already arrived. No reply. So I just told him that I give him some space and hoped he will enjoy. Still no reply. I thought maybe it was because there was no signal there. He texted me when he already arrived home at night. I didn’t want to argue again so I just kept the talk casual and asked him how it went. We texted a little but he didn’t reply anymore so I thought he fell asleep.

May 10, I woke up early for the trekking. I texted him good morning, that I’ll just text him when I get home if ever there was no signal there. When we reached our destination, I noticed that there was signal even if we were in top of a mountain. I realized that he didn’t replied to me purposely (their outing was at the same area where we were trekking). The whole day, I waited for his reply, but I didn’t receive any. So I texted him when I got home. He was still cold towards me.

The next day, he was still cold. His texts were very robotic. I let it be, to avoid conflict.

May 12, we sent each other the usual texts like: good morning, on my way, just arrived (he used to send me these with our petname and emoticons, but now he don’t do it anymore) at lunch time, he didn’t text me. He usually text me if he’s having lunch now, but he didn’t that day. He didn’t text anything until his off duty time. I got worried so I called him. I ask why he didn’t reply, he said he doesn’t have load. I ask him if he wil, he said that he’ll text his mom. I asked him if he was going home, he told me he has overtime (which was rarely) I asked him why, he told me off that it was just overtime. I asked if what time he was going home, he told me he doesn’t know. So I just told him okay and cut the call. A few seconds, he texted me that he have load. So I ask him again why he has overtime, he told me he had to work on something. I asked again what time he was going home, again he said he didn’t know and why I was asking. So I told him just nothing, if it was not allowed to ask him. He said its okay to ask. I said there you go. He replied that he’ll be busy. So I didn’t text back after that. When I was about to off duty, he still didn’t text. I texted him if he was still overtime. He didn’t replied. I texted his mom that I’m on my way to their house to give them something and asked her if her son was already home. She said that he’s not yet. When I arrived at their house, he was still not at home. I texted him again. No reply. I called him. He didn’t pick it up. His mom tried to call him. He picked it up. His mom asked if where he was, he said he’s out with friends. His mom asked if who’s with him, he said that it was his gym buddies, they were 6 of them, with some girls. Then his mom noticed how he talk, asked him if he was drunk. His mom told him to get home at 10. I was shocked by that, because even before we were together, he doesn’t drink. He rarely goes out late at night, expect if we were together. So I can’t hold it anymore. I broke out in front of his family. I told his mom that I don’t know what to do with her son, that it was too much. I can’t take his treatment to me anymore. If he was drinking, there was something definitely wrong. I waited for him til 10. His mom tried calling him again. She can’t reach him. He turned off his phone. I texted him. No reply. I called him. It can’t connect. I lost all hope. I decided to go home because it was already late. When I arrived at the bus stop, I texted him again. No reply. I tried callin him. It rung until it was dial tone. I tried again, it rung but he cancelled it. I tried for a third time, it can’t connect anymore. He turned off his phone.

When I was on the way home, I realized something. That noon, I prayed to God. I prayed that we will be okay. I asked for a sign if he was the one, so that every pain and suffering I was going through that past few days was worth it. The way he behaved that night, I took it as a sign that we were not meant to be. So when I went home, I texted him about the prayer and the realization I had. I told him I was giving up. I told him that God knows how many times I tried to reach out to him, to understand him, to be patient with him. But he didn’t appreciated it. He wasted it. He pushed me to the edge, far away from him. I told him he was the one who did what he was afraid of, because this time he was the one who hurt me and now I’m the one who was numb, I’m the one who have no more feelings left for him because he left me cold. I told him I was barely holding on on a thin rope but now I’m completely letting go. After sending that text, his mom texted me that he got home. It was already past midnight. That night, I changed my relationship status into blank. I deleted our pictures together. I went to bed without a reply from him.

May 13, I woke up from a text from his mom. She said that they were on their way to their province and he was with them (the original plan was he will just catch up with them on May 14). I told his mom to take care and asked her if it’s okay that I don’t want to hear anything about/from him, and that I hoped she understands. She said that it’s okay, that she understood, and thanked me. I went through the day, distracting myself on work. I noticed on FB that he blocked me. I checked using my sister’s account, he deleted our pictures together. But he didn’t deleted the one in IG.

Midnight of May 14, I received a text from him. He thanked me for letting him go, that I finally understand what he felt. He said that he forced himself that we will be okay, but it didn’t. He said that he gave me a chance, but nothing happened. He told me that there will be no chance of us getting back together. He officially called it quits. He said that I wasted his efforts for me. He said he will handle the pain. He said I should take care and God bless. My initial reaction was anger. I wanted to throw things around. I was so tempted to text him back, to inflict the same pain he did to me. But I didn’t, remembering that I started NC a day ago after reading your articles.

Today, I can barely keep myself together. The anger was gone, but hurt took its place. I know my self-worth, but I still want him back. What should I do? Is there still a chance for us to be back together? I really love him, but I want to put myself together first. I need space. All I ask is if there’s a chance for us. We compliment each other. We were like bestfriends before we have petty arguements that led to this. Please I need some advice.
THE X-FILES

May 16, 2015 at 9:44 pm

Hej again Chris,

I couldn’t seem to find my old comment, so I will try leaving a new one.

My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago because he didn’t feel the same anymore and didn’t feel like he could give me what I wanted. He is quite young and in some ways emotionally immature. Communication was always an issue and I didn’t do a great job at appreciating all the great things about him. Or I didn’t focus on the good enough.

I decided to do 21 days of no contact, which I ended last week. I sent him a text about me going to the café where we met the first time and that it made me think of him and it made me smile. He responded that he was at a concert and it made him think about the two concerts that we had watched that same place. He also wrote that it was really nice hearing from me.

He was invited to my mothers wedding in june and she really needed an answer as to whether or not he would be participating. I know that the timing of it all was horrible, but I asked him two days later what we were going to do about the wedding and he said that he would think about it. He then contacts me a few days later in text and says that he doesn’t know what to answer, that we haven’t seen each other in a month and that he can see now that I am dating some guy (he used a condesending expression, not the exact word guy.) He also wrote that he would have liked to meet up and talk. – A male friend and I had gone to the movies the week after the breakup and he had posted a picture of us on my Facebook.

I replied that I didn’t know where he was getting his information from but that I wasn’t dating anyone. And that I would also have liked to meet but that I needed some time and distance away from things and from him.

He didn’t reply to my message before a couple of hours later when he wrote. I saw your Facebook Photo with some Italian dude. But fair enough 🙂 What are you doing

I didn’t reply as the whole thing seemed quite strange. He then texted me again in the morning saying: I have missed talking to you and I replied. I have a lot going on at the time being but if you want I have time to meet from the end of next week. No reply from him and I still hadn’t gotten an answer about my mothers wedding. I waited 1,5 day and then texted him. Hey again, I really need and answer about the wedding. If you don’t want to come that is of course okay 🙂

He then replied that he was in Paris (On the vacation that we had planned before we broke up. That broke my heart a little bit. I also don’t know who he went with, better not be his flirty best friend) and that he couldn’t say yes because we hadn’t seen each other since the breakup. And that he would like to see me next week. I replied. Understandable. Have a nice trip.

My questions to you.

How do you interpret his jealousy and his texts? I feel like I am scared to react to him saying for example that he misses talking to me because it just seems like bread crumbs. Do you see it differently from a male perspective? I also have the feeling that he could be acting a little jealous because he wasn’t expecting me to “move on” so fast (“move on” = him thinking that I am dating my male friend, which I am not)

I also have no clue as to what he wants to talk about. Any ideas? That apparently he couldn’t take initiative to meet and talk about when he thought I was dating someone else.

At the end of our relationship he seemed very distant and I have thought about it and if he cheated I don’t care to know since it won’t help my healing proces. Can I 1. Ask him what he wants to talk about in text before the meeting? and 2. Tell him that if he feels like he needs to confess some things that I don’t want to know? He has said before while we were together that he hasn’t crossed the line but who knows.

And if you have any tips on the meeting next week besides to look aaaaaaamazing!!!?

Oh I should also say that I have really been working on myself during the no contact. Though I still am heartbroken over losing my partner, best friend and what I thought was the love of my life, the break up was the right thing because we were stuck and not progressing with our issues. I have taken the time to reflect on the relationship and how I contributed to the demise of the relationship. I have also spent a great deal of time working on forgiving him for the hurt that he put me through during our relationship and forgiving myself and accepting that I did the best I could with the knowledge and ressources that I had at the time. I have also been spending serious time with my girlfriends that I can now see that I have neglected a bit during the relationship, just trying new things and finding the funloving, happy and life loving girl that I was when I met him. I have been working out, bought new clothes and changed my hairstyle, which has been nice. I feel beautiful again and proud of myself for sticking with the no contact and taking the time to improve on me.

I hope to hear from you and that you will take the time to answer my questions. I hope that it isn’t too confusing, as I wrote it hurriedly. This site and your e-book has been a great help. So thank you!

THE X-FILES

June 5, 2015 at 9:24 pm

You think I have him right where he should be? Can I ask why?

I think drinking when you are emotionally unstable as a breakup can make you, is a bad idea. If you do decide to go drinking hand your phone over to a trusted friend so that you do not contact your ex. Also. Don’t sleep with him, it decreases your value in his eyes. No contact has been so helpful to me but has also been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I missed him so much and I still do even now that I am in contact. Patience in NC was hard, patience in contact is even harder, because it’s like being a drug addict that gets your drug but just a little bit…

NC has given me an opportunity to distance myself from the situation and get perspective. It is important that you actually spend the time during your NC wisely. Improving and working on yourself, reflecting on where you could have acted differently and which role you played in the breakup. It sounds as if you have already started reflecting on your part in this which is great! Use this time to find the happy girl that you used to be. Remember that happiness comes from within, not from men and if you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy when you’re taken. Try new things, spend time with friends, change your apperance if you want (buying new clothes, getting a haircut, a dye whatever) and most importantly do things for you that make you happy. Going through a breakup can really take a toll on your ego. I am glad that my post helped you and keep me updated on your NC!

What helped me through my NC has been my best friend. She has been my rock and my support system. She has been on standby 24/7 and her phone and door has been open when I felt like contacting my ex, when I needed a shoulder to cry on or if I needed company, she would come visit me and spend time with me. I definitely recommend having support during your NC.

Now. To an update on my situation and what has happened since.

He wrote me while in Paris and texted me that he was at Galeries La Fayette and thought of me. I hope that you are good. I didn’t reply but the next day I sent him a photo of a gift that he had given me on one of our first dates and texted him: “Do you remember this? It made me think of you and our date at the Zoo. I hope you are having a great time in Paris” He texted me back when he got home. We texted a little back and forth about his trip and he told me that he had thought about me a lot, when he was by the apartment that we had rented on our trip to Paris. He also asked if I was in town. I said no, because I wasn’t. A few days later we talked again and he had told me that he got a new job.

For the meet up, he had asked me to meet him at his new job and it turned out that he was at work, which I found strange? Why would he agree to a meeting when he knew that he would be at work? I could see his colleagues were looking at us, which was a bit strange.

After a while I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said that he didn’t want to talk about anything in particular but just wanted to see me. He had bought a box of chocolates for me from Paris that he knows I love. We talked casually. He said twice that he had missed me and that I looked great and also asked about who the guy in the picture was and I could tell that it bothered him. I told him that he was just a friend. He tried to keep the conversation going and asked the same questions sometimes more than once. I had brought his things and he seemed quite surprised about that. I also told him that he had some of my things and he also seemed a little surprised that I wanted those back. I told him that he had my house key and he asked if I wanted that back as if it was a strange request and he got it for me and handed it over. It seemed like he was trying to get our hands to touch when he gave me the key. He also said that I could get my things another time. The meeting was very positive and lasted 20 – 30 minutes at most because he had to get back to work.

After the meeting I wrote him thanking him for the chocolates and said it was nice seeing him. He texted back that it was nice seeing me too and that he hopes I like the chocolates and should eat them soon. He also asked if I was still in town. I told him that I was still in town and he asked for how long and also congratulated me on my new apartment that I am moving into in a month that is 15 minutes from him (he always had an issue with us living so far apart, 2 hours, and really wanted me to live closer to him) I told him that I didn’t know how long I was staying for. Why? And he said that he wanted to see me when he didn’t have to go back to work, but he got busy earlier and that was why he replied so late. I texted him that I was confused as to why he wanted to see me and he said that he just wanted to see me. I then texted him this message: “I missed you and it was nice seeing you. But I can’t see you and hang out and be your friend if that is what you want? I am not ready for that. He didn’t reply. I don’t know if he got mad that I can’t be friends or he felt rejected. What do you think?

I waited a week and texted him again: “It was nice of you buying chocolates for me from Paris. I have always appreciated how thoughtful you are. I think you misunderstood my message. I also want to see you but I can’t be your friend when I want more than that. He texted me back “I have missed you and I want to see you because I miss you.” – I am thinking if he wanted more than friendship. This was the perfect opportunity to say it? He didn’t? The whole missing me doesn’t really mean anything, since of course he misses me to some extent. We were in a relationship for 2 years.. It doesn’t mean that he is romantically interested in me…. I wrote him that I missed him too. He didn’t write anything back, which is fine.

I texted him four days later asking if he wanted to meet for coffee some time and he said “Or just see each other.. Yes i do” – I don’t know what the difference between coffee and just seeing each other is but I assume that he feels the latter is less serious? What do I know… He also asked if I was going to this street carnival that is in town for four days or just going to the town where he lives. I told him that if I had time I would stop by the carnival and that I was in town regularly. He told me that he was really busy the next few weeks but I should write him when I was in town so we could meet up. I told him that I had time that day and after that I was really busy the next few weeks. After a few texts of coordinating he stopped writing. I assume he was at work. He wrote me in the evening where I was and if I wanted to meet up. Since so many hours had gone by I assumed that we weren’t meeting and made other plans. So I wrote him that I was at a friends and that tonight wasn’t good but we could meet up another day. He wrote: “Okay” 24 hours later.

I didn’t answer the Okay message. He wrote me later that day asking if I was at the street carnival. I told him that I was there earlier and if he went. We texted a little back and he was asking about when I was moving (which he has asked me several times now) and if I was going tomorrow. I told him that I most likely would stop by and how his new work was. He didn’t reply. He wrote me the next day asking if I was at the carnival and I didn’t answer. He then wrote me the next day replying to the message about his job, but he didn’t really ask a question or the text didn’t initiate a response from me, so I didn’t reply. Then he wrote me again a few hours later if I was going to the carnival today. I texted him back an hour later and said no. He texted back immediately and said Well ok. I asked if he had fun and said that I was there. He said he had fun and asked me why I didn’t answer him the day before? I wrote him: “Got caught up in the great vibe and didn’t check my phone 🙂 Am studying so I am going to go. Let’s talk another time

He is beginning to initiate contact in text, which has mostly been me before, so I guess that is positive. Him asking to meet me at the carnival is also a kind of initiating meeting in person I guess, which is also positive. I am also trying to control the conversation better, ending it at a high point instead of it being him that drops out of the conversation at random.

To the questions.

How do you interpret him buying a gift for me in Paris? Does it mean anything or could he just have been thinking it was a nice gesture? Remind you, he is not the type of person to buy souveniers for friends.

If he was interested in more that being friends at the moment wouldn’t he have said so when I told him that I wanted more?

Does it mean anything that he 3 days in a row asks if I am at the street carnival? I assume it’s because he wanted to see me.

It was him that said he wanted to meet and talk, but when I met him, he didn’t want to talk about anything in particular, he just wanted to see me. What is up with that?

I really hope that you will give your two cents on this Chris as I am just very confused and could use an experts opinion and advice on my situation.
Re: Ex Files

May 31, 2015 at 9:08 pm

It sounds as though you have him right where he should be! I’m going to do a shorter amount of NC too, 25 days as I want to contact him before the date of our university results.

I was feeling really hopeless and adamant that this wouldn’t work, but this has really cheered me up and given me faith.

My and ex and I have split up before, for two weeks… It was the longest two weeks of my life! I turned into a complete psycho, begging for him back, crying, turning up at all hours of the day. But the day after I stopped contacting me he was back and asking to get back together. I wish I’d learned from my mistakes and gone cold turkey this time, but it was especially difficult.

I initiated the break up out of desperation, I thought I was losing him to another girl and would ask him about it continuously. I gradually started to move my stuff out of his flat and told him he was going to lose me. I thought it would make him snap out of, pay me some more attention. I never thought he’d leave. But he did. Again, I turned crazy. Crying, drunk calling him, calling him at all hours really. I didn’t believe the break up was real at first as he just left it in the air.

But two days ago we slept together even though he’d told me I shouldn’t and that he does love me but he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m very emotionally reliant on him. The sex was the worst idea. I’ve tried to be ‘cool’ since, he called me today to check that I was still taking contraception. I ignored 2 of calls and then called back to inform him I had, but ignored him when I saw him in person.

Tomorrow is going to be the first day of absolute NO CONTACT. I think it is the best way to to tackle it, I do want him back, but if we get back together I also need to learn that I can’t rely on him.

Thanks for your post, it has given me so much strength. I know my ex so well and can see him reacting in a similar way to yours!

Don’t worry about the wedding – he will be nervous. This is a family event, my ex would be absolutely terrified. It is understandable that he doesn’t want to go. So now I think you need to let go of that.

But the other stuff sounds so positive. It is good that he is slightly jealous! Follow the guide though, make him feel better about himself. Drop subtle hints that you are in fact not seeing this guy. But it is good that he is jealous and natural, I think.

I wouldn’t be worried that he is going to tell you that he has cheated, it sounds to me as if he simply wants to see you. In which case go, be open-minded, look incredible and think positively!

I wish you the best of luck and would be very interested to hear how everything works out for you. Take care!

julie

May 14, 2015 at 5:35 pm

i broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 montths ago and i recently just told him i still love him and he dont know how he feels about me what should i do

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 5:24 pm

Just follow this guide to a T.

sa

May 14, 2015 at 8:21 am

Hi…i broke up with my bf last week. We had a 2.5 yr relationship out of which 1 yr was long distance though we used to meet every month. Since 3-4 months we had been fighting a lot(i used to overreact). He got frustrated wid all this n said he wanted peace n freedom n finally broke up. I tried to convince him a lot through his frnds n sis as well bt for worse. He is so frustrated now that he has asked me not to call him or his frnds again. What should i do now?
Jenna

May 12, 2015 at 4:03 pm

My ex and I recently broke up. We’ve been together for a year and a half. He was very clear about the break up and gave me reasons that is specific. Two reasons for the break up: 1. I recently got accepted into pharmacy school and will need to move. 2. He wanted to spend more time with me and I am busy with school and work.

When we broke up he told me that he thinks we are perfect for each other but says that the time for us right now is just not right.

I will be moving back from school in two years. During the two years that I’m gone should I keep in contact with him? I feel like I should so as to keep that connection open but I don’t want to come off as wanting to be just friends.

Chris, I need some advice. I don’t want to time to come in the way of us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

Chris Seiter

May 13, 2015 at 12:40 pm

He must have been hurt that he didn’t get enough facetime with you.

asha

May 12, 2015 at 8:41 am

My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. He wasn’t being clear as to why but a month ago we had one of the worst fights ever since he was behaving shady towards me. We then continued the relationship after that and it was a bit distant as we spoke less and spent less time together. He ended it last week saying he doesn’t feel it anymore and we must just be friends. Told him I can’t do that and he asked me out on Sunday but didn’t end up going out with him. Very mixed signals. Since then he hasn’t contacted me. Do u think he is trying no contact on me?

Chris Seiter

May 12, 2015 at 1:22 pm

It is very possible.

leslie

May 11, 2015 at 6:39 pm

Hi I have a question. My bf and I were together for 3 yrs the 2.5 of those years were really good. Close to the last 6-8mos we started having some issues. Small fighting, wondering where the relationship was going and then trust and honesty wasnt to far behind that. We were on a “break” but still sleeping with each other and occasionally hanging out. Then I met someone else and just started to drift away. Then he met someone and finally ended things about 5 months ago. Recently tho, in the last 2 months we have been texting abit. ( i intiate most contact tho) He told me in a round about way that he broke up with his gf, and asked if i was still with mine bf. Which i am not. He did tell me while saying that he broke up that when hes done with a relationship hes done, and he wont contact ex’s because he doesnt want to give them the power. Hence why he hardly text me but always replys with lenghthy text to mine. A few days ago we were chatting and he asked if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends. So i met up we started talking about some how we got on the subject of us again. I kinda made a joke about how yea how you dont want me anymore. He said thats the farthest thing from the truth. You know i still love you alot. We have so much history together. The night was great and of course with alcohol being consumed and it snowing very hard he said can we please spend the night together. I fought it and fought it but the night was so great and just like it always has been, still calling me our pet names and such and just being exactly how he was when we were together. We slept together. and yes it was just the same it was like we picked up from where we left. But afterward I knew i screwed up and I felt like his text were weird afterwards. Hes asked me for a favor already to help him out with something, but I need help with moving forward. Sometimes its like pulling teeth to get him to hang out or even be involved. Did I blow it? He never has said I want to get back together. And that was the first night in 4months that we have actually been together in even hanging out. How do I proceed. Do I go back in to no contact? Do i still try to intiate him through text so we can try to hang out again? Or do I just cut all ties and move on? Thank you chris, Im afraid I fell into FWB and didnt even think I was.

Chris Seiter

May 12, 2015 at 1:07 pm

Friend zone him immediately.

You cannot sleep with him until he commits. This is a big mistake most women make I find.

AC

May 11, 2015 at 12:54 pm

Hi. Just have a question. Uhm, what if my ex wants me to move on from the very first pleace? 🙁

Chris Seiter

May 11, 2015 at 5:22 pm

Very first pleace?

Rochelle

May 11, 2015 at 10:14 am

Hi

I know this will sound ridiculous because of the very short time period but regardless I need your advice.

I haven’t dated for 10 years because of trust issues I have with guys. No dating, no sex! I had my heart broken twice.
Anyway. This year I met a man in a country I don’t reside in. we went on 2 days. It was fantastic and we decided to see each other again. The thing is, because I haven’t dated for so many years, I felt like this was my first! I was all excited & I found a guy to connect to after soo long..

A month after I went back to that country & he came to stay with me in my house for 4 nights. We had a blast. The only thing is we romanced but I said I wasn’t ready for sex and I have to be in a relationship for that, he was willing to wait. He wanted us to date and “See how it goes”.
However, he was always trying to get sex, I never gave in and one day he mentioned that he never met anyone like me, that I was different from everyone he ever dated & that he found me very exciting & a challenge. I tried not to get too close with him when he was around but he always wanted to spend the days I was in his country with me. Anyway, I went back to my country and we were to meet a month and half later. We kept in touch.
2 days before I arrived I found out that he had gone on a one week trip with another lady. I asked him about it. He admitted they had sex but he said they had no feelings, it was just sex and she is just a sex buddy. What I don’t understand is he told me “lets date & see what happens” then there he goes having sex with another lady as if its ok.. I was really hurt about it and for some weird reason I cried.. Then I broke it off. However, I regretted same day I tried to convince him we come over & talk about it. He said no, that I will never trust him again. He totally ignored me & I tried to get him to come over (for 2 days, stupid me). Anyway he ignored my text so I did the same. We haven’t spoken since end Feb & we are on May now. Whilst we are no longer FB friends, he’s still on my whatsapp & I see his photo & when he logs in and out so he hasn’t blocked me.

I just want to understand:-
1. Why he totally ignored me when I was upset that he slept with someone else. Got so cold and distant, like I didn’t matter.. why?
2. Do you think he will try to contact me again? If yes/no, why
3. Is it because I wasn’t giving him sex then he was more engrossed on “the challenge?” he knew I didn’t have it for 10 years
4. Did he ever care about me or it was just sex he was interested in?
5. If he does come back what would his intentions be and what should I do?
Lovisa

May 10, 2015 at 6:42 pm

Hi Chris!
Do you think i have a chance of getting my ex back, if we broke up because of fights? ( he started crying when we broke up at my house for 3 days ago)

A little overwiew.. I’m 19, and he’s 19 too, we had a distancerelationship.. and we we’re together for 4 months
We are soooo similar in many things! in attitude basically, we’re both stubborn and both wants to know we’re loved, he told me that my personality was everything he ever wished for in a girl, he told me that he was in a 2 year old relationship before, but she could never make him so happy like i did, sounds cheeesy, but he was honest! and he was planning a future and everything.. he told me alot that he thought i was the one, and he wanted us to last forever!
We’ve been fighting over the smallest things, most because of insecurities and jealousy hahah.. but he still chose to stay.
I came to him the day before we broke up and we we’re talking about everything, i confessed that i didn’t even care about his opinions when we we’re fighting.. i said to him that i’ve never had that experience in a relationship we’re both are stubborn, my other exes did always shut up and let me win in the relationships i had with them! he told me he wanted to give us a chance.. but we both had in mind that it was too late, we both thought of being single was the best idea so we could let go of the negative things! the day after, he came to my house and we wanted to see if we could pull this off anyway.. but no, we broke up! but it was totally cool then.. we did it in a calm and friendly way! even if he started crying!
He said ‘ this is going to be the toughest break up i’ve ever done.. because i still want to be with you’ 🙁
We want to be with eachother, but we can’t..! and he told me that he thought we had a chance in the future, and that he wanted to see me in the summer! 😮 so the best thing is for now to let the negative things off our relationship go and then maybe after that we find eachother again.. he taught me so much because of the way he is.. he taught me to never take him for granted, which i did many times :/

Do you also think we have a chance? i will do the NC! 🙂
Thank you!
Alpha

May 10, 2015 at 9:58 am

Hi Chris,
1) Does this also work for a man to get his GF back? and
2) What if she just doesn’t give a damn and doesn’t get back in touch?
Moreover, she left me because she said she loved me to bits but she couldn’t wait a few years to start a family with me (financial issues) and she wanted one badly so she saw no future for us. Then moved (temporarily I think) 700 Km far for work. The following day I gave her a 5,000 pounds check and told her “Ok, this is my bit, you now go and find us a house to rent for the time being then we’ll see”. She replied I should have done it earlier and she didn’t trust me anymore. Although she still loved me she thought this wasn’t enough.
Right at this moment I am on my 7th day of NC after this episode. She unfriended me on FB although she didn’t on Instagram. The only way we can see each other is on whatsapp by noticing we are online (I strongly doubt she spies on me for that). She has an extremely rich social life whereas I am very busy with work and have little time for it.
PS: my English might sound odd because it is not my first language but I trust I’ve managed.

Chris Seiter

May 11, 2015 at 5:28 pm

I would hop on over to my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery for info on that.
Alpha

May 10, 2015 at 10:11 am

Update: she has posted pictures of some “Pulp Fiction” scene with “Iwant to dance, I want to win, i want that trophy so dance good”: I think she is trying to say she now wants to move on to something more immediate and constructive 🙁

J

May 9, 2015 at 12:12 am

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 months and we broke up 2 weeks ago. I initiated the break-up and when he agreed I tried to take it back. He then went on to having a conversation with me about the reason why it would be a good Idea to break up. He said he wanted to be friends because we never really had a chance for our relationship to develop organically (We sort of rushed into things). We shared some nice words and he said there are still a lot of things he wants to do with me in the future, but right now our relationship is unhealthy. He says he cant stop thinking about me throughout the day (which to me sounds like a good thing, but I guess he meant it as a not so good thing). And after we both came to a mutual agreement and started laughing about some memories, he looked up at me and started crying. He said he loved me (which he had never said before) and then he said he was sad. He left, and the last thing he said to be before getting in the car was “I love you, baby.” And that was it. Even with all that, we still broke up. I have been implementing the no contact rule. I haven’t spoken to him since that day and have really been working on myself and my goals more now than ever before, but I am finding that it is getting harder and harder for me to resist the urge to text or call him. I haven’t yet, but not sure how much longer i can keep busy enough to not call him. I am scared he has moved on already (there have been some instances where I’ve accused him of cheating, and towards the end of the relationship he was acting very emotionally detached and distant. I was unhappy with the way he was acting and that is what made me break it off to begin with). So my concern is that that the heartfelt break up we had 2 weeks ago was just a way for him to let me down and not hurt my feelings, so that he could go free and be with someone else. Is this just my insecurities talking? What are the chances that he was lying about the reasons we should break up? What are the chances that he was telling the truth. My friends think he was not being genuine when I explain the situation to them, but he seemed so honest. I am still very confused about the whole thing, and I guess that’s why it is becoming harder and harder to stick to the no contact. I’ve given it some thought, and I know I want to be with him again. I know I should focus on myself and all that, and remain out of contact with him. That much is clear. I just don’t know where to go from here, and even if he was with someone else, how to know for sure that he still wants me too? Am I wasting my time here?
Ka

May 8, 2015 at 8:49 pm

Hello…my boyfriend of 6 years and i broke up over a month ago. But weve been texting here and there like two weeks interval but not everyday just to say “hello” nothing else. Very short ones. Im trying very hard the NC rule. The Last time he text me was this past wednesday and i did not reply. He have not text me since then. I have 3 questions pls: 1) whats going through his mind right that i did not text back? 2) do i continue the NC rule and until when? 3) his birthday is coming up, do i send him a Happy birthday greeting thru text or old fashion way send him a bday card? Thank you so much for your input and advise. Truly appreciate it all…
Hope

May 8, 2015 at 12:57 pm

Hey Chris, would really appreciate it if you could help me out, I feel so Hope-less! My ex and I were together for 3 years and we even planned our future together. During our relationship, I’ve hurt his feelings and at some point I even fell for this new guy from work. I regret it so much and I wish i could take it back. It was a mistake!! After i confessed about everything, my ex still decided to be with me but everything started to go downhill, we kept fighting over stupid things and got annoyed at each other. On my 21st birthday, he came to see me and spent a night together and took me to work in the morning. That was the last time I’ve heard from him. It has been 2 months since he left, I’ve tried to contact him but he said he needed space so i respected his decision. I decided to txt him last night, he said its too late and he’s not coming back. I was controlling and self centred but i want him to give me second chance to prove it to him that I’ve changed. I can’t force him to be with me but WHAT SHOULD I DO? DO I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM? i love him so much, i don’t wanna lose him at all..
Confused.

May 8, 2015 at 1:55 am

So my boyfriend and I were dating for a year and a half. In the beginning, he was kinda rude and closed off to me (he had a hard childhood and has a hard time opening up to people). I also suffer from depression and anxiety, something that effects me in many ways. After a while, it was clear that he was completely in love with me, however I wasn’t so sure. It was a “I wonder if someone else could make me happier” kind of thing. To be honest, I was pretty mean to him. I have as tendency to say the meanest thing I can think of to people who I am super close with like my family, or in this case him. I would constantly “break up” with him (even though I would leave his house and just drive around the corner and wait for him to call me- always just an empty threat but idk if he knew that). I would say mean things to him and just constantly nag him about everything… not even because it bothered me but just because I thought he would never leave me. I thought he was my safe zone. I will admit, we fought a lot. way too much- but it was always over stupid stuff and nine times out of ten I was just bitching about something stupid. but we would talk about getting married and having kids constantly, like it was a for sure thing. Everything was normal, and then one week we both had a stressful week (school, work, etc) and one night he was being kinda weird, but I didnt think anything of it because he told me nothing was wrong. The next time I saw him, he broke up with me, saying that we were never compatible and that we werent good together.

I now realize that I caused most of the issues in our relationship and am actively trying to improve them for the first time in my life. This break up has made me realize just how much I actually love him… however despite my many efforts over the last couple weeks (its only been a month) he says he still feels the same way.

I am completely in love with this man and I need him back.

I am going to follow all of your advice, but do you think I have a shot of getting him back?
Clementine

May 7, 2015 at 6:52 pm

Hey Chris, my ex tried to break up with me once while we were in the car having a fight and I said no. When we got home I asked him if he actually wanted to and he said no. He proceeded to reassure me the next few days that he wanted us and wanted me and I thought things were ok. The following week he came home from lunch with a friend whom was also going through relationship issues with her husband and told me he was done. We were living together or 2 years so I had to pack up my stuff an leave which took me 5 days. His cousins gf and brothers gf comforted me and helped me pack . I tried contacting him but he refused to see
Me or talk to me and when he did he was angry and said it was I repairable. I stopped contacting him for 2 weeks and then had a weak moment and asked how he was. He responded nicely and said he was ok but it would take a long time to heal from ad he was sorry he hurt me but he knew it wouldn’t work. We texted a bit and then I started to tell him I still loved him and he stopped responding and eventually said he was turning his phone off. I left my camera at his house so a week later I texted him and said I was coming to get it and e could hide if he felt he didn’t want to see me. When I got there his female friend who was having marriage issues was there and I told her off for knowing he was going to dump me and not telling me. I then left with my camera without seeing him and in my way home he texted and said ” I thought you were ready to talk” so I turned around and came back an hadn’t seen another text he had sent saying to stay away from him and his family. I came back and found him outside ad he started to walk away from me and I pursued him. We argued and then laughed. It was all over the place but e said he was angry at me for the way I dealt with the break up and said that he wanted a partner who contribute the same as him as I didn’t work as much as him. He said I need to live like a real adult an I proceeded to point out that he lives in his family’s basement suite and doesn’t pay rent so who was he to talk.. Which made him angry. We went back and forth with being angry and laughing and he said we could never work even though he did love
Me. When I left I asked for a hug but he said no.. Maybe next time. Is all hope lost?!
SB

May 7, 2015 at 2:12 am

Hi Chris,
I dated a guy 7years ago. We remained friends over the years. During this time when I have been single we have hooked up. However nothing more. Recently I came out of another relationship and again we are txting again. Reminiscing about old times. I will see him in 2 weeks as we live in different states. I am wondering how I change this casual fling into something more. We always find our way back to each other but never can get it right & most of the time it was me. Due to other reasons for why I didn’t think we could have a future. This has changed & he will stay in AUS permanently now.
Thoughts?
Steph

May 6, 2015 at 10:38 pm

Hey Chris

I just read your whole story and i need help. My ex and I have been broken up for six months. He told me that he wants me back but that he wants to get back to the “old” us but he doesnt make any attempts to do so. We brok up in December and he ignored every text and message i sent him in January. February he finally decided to talk to me and the 14th would have been our three year anniversary. it is not May and he still doesnt make an attempt he textes me everyday and me vice versa. I told him to never text me again and he literally sent me a good morning text the next day. i didnt trust him while we were together because he cheated when he went off to college. I made his hobbies my own so i could show him i supported him. But he never did that for me. He hangs out with people who do not like me because they do not know me and everytime they say something about me it seems like he never defends me. I sent him an email expressing my feelings and i want to start the 30 day no contact rule but do you think he really wants me back because it feelings like he is just playing with my heart PLEASE HELP
Stand4Us

May 6, 2015 at 8:19 pm

Chris, I’m so glad I stumbled upon your website. I read a lot of your posts & listened to your podcast too. They all gave me the confidence to do what I needed to do which is cut communication with my Walk-Away Husband…well cut as much as I can cause we do have 3 young children & a home. He’s been gone for 2 months…the 1st 2 weeks I did everything you’re not supposed to do, by week 3 I realized I need to take a hard look at myself & fix things that he nor I liked but that wasn’t bringing him back even tho he did notice the differences. Then I thought I could love him back to us so I started being very attentive when he was around, sending him love emails (something we did while dating) & being available when he wanted to talk or see us. That didn’t work either so I took your advice stopped sending him emails, texts & calls unless he initiated 1st or if I definitely have to tell him something about the kids. Wow! Seems to be working…at our daughters game 2 days ago I was sure to pay him no extra attention, I kept my eye on the game made very lil eye contact & kept answers short & polite (he actually stood next to me the whole time & didn’t talk to anyone else & he kept calling me Hun all night to get my attention) & yesterday he called me 4x & texted 2x (the 4x he called he really could’ve texted what he needed to say…oh & I only answered 2 calls, didn’t answer the 3rd & then he called again). This morning he texted 1x & called 1x. So my lack of attention seems to be having an effect on him. However here’s my question…
Have you ever dealt with someone in Midlife Crisis? I never knew this was real until I was reading a book to help me save my marriage. Since then I’ve read & discovered so much about MLC & how it’s very real & tragic! Although I don’t want my husband to be suffering from MLC cause it last for years afraid he might be or post traumatic stress or something else…he was in a severe car accident in Sept ’14 & then laid off Dec ’14! Thiese events were preceded by 3-5 years of severe life events that we’ve been hurdling through together. Then Feb ’15 he felt very distant almost like he had 1 foot out the door. On 3/2/15 I comfronted him about his lack of presence in our relationship & frankly in our home since he would leave for hrs any chance he got. He said he wasn’t happy & was leaving. He then followed it by accusing me of all kinds of crazy things & how he hadn’t been happy for years. We’ve been married 13yrs, together 15 with 3 young children (10,8&5). Most of these accusations were way off base. His family & closest friends say he’s definitely going thru something & he’s very different with all of them too! He’s started to talk very philosophical & always reminiscing about his childhood & teenage years a lot! I found out after he left that in Feb he reconnected with an old female classmate (not anyone he dated before) & they called & texted each other everyday all day in the month of Feb into the month of March until I found out. He claims just friends but it’s at least an emotional affair & Im sure it’s turned physical by this point from signs I’ve picked up on.
I’m devastated of course & my kids want their Dad to come home. He refuses personal & marriage counseling & we’re all lost in what to do. So I’m concentrating on very little contact & being the ungettable girl hopefully showing him what he’s missing!
Have you ever dealt with MLC or something like this before & if so what would be your advice. I’d like to purchase the book soon but I’m not sure if it applies to my situation.
Thank you so much again for your incredible posts & casts…I can tell you really care & your approaches seem to be spot on!
C

May 6, 2015 at 6:49 pm

Hi Chris,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We are also long distance, only an hour away, but with both of our full-time jobs and other commitments – we usually only saw each other once a week. Neither of us have been in serious relationships prior to, so it was a frenzy of emotions when we first started dating. My boyfriend was always willing to do anything to make me happy. Something had happened about 6 months into our relationship and it was very hard for me to trust him. No matter how hard I tried, I was never completely over it…which I believe is very immature of me considering he did everything to prove his love for me. I eventually lost myself and became very jealous and controlling. My boyfriend was very patient every time I picked a fight with him or brought up the past. We tried to take ‘breaks’, but they never provided any use as my boyfriend would resort back to doing anything to make me happy and I took advantage of that by walking all over him. Although my boyfriend and I are complete opposites, I am extremely Type-A and he’s super easy going, I found that we really complemented one another. My boyfriend finally has had enough and ended things with me. He has admitted he has no idea what the future will hold. He also admitted that he cannot see me because every time he does, he falls in love with me all over again and cannot stay mad. I know that I have a lot things to work if a reconciliation were to occur. My question is do you think I have pushed him too far? Will we be able to move past this relationship and into a new relationship?

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