By Chris Seiter

Published on September 2nd, 2022

I figured out how to handle your crush pulling away.

Now, stop me if this sounds familiar.

  • You meet someone new.
  • Things are going great
  • Chemistry is off the charts.
  • They like you, you like them.
  • And then bam, all of a sudden things are different.
  • They avoid you.
  • Seem less interested.
  • They’ve pulled away.


Well, today that’s what we’re going to figure out. I’m going to show you why I believe your crush/partner is pulling away and what to do about it.

Let’s get started.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Why Did They Pull Away?

Pulling away, in my mind, boils down to to a lack of commitment and so I believe the answer to this question can be found by studying commitment.

So, what prevents people from engaging in a commitment?

Take a look at this graphic right here,

In my opinion, this graphic holds the key to understanding why your partner is pulling away.

So, what does it all mean?

Well, commitment really boils down to six distinct pillars

  • Satisfaction (How satisfied we are in a relationship)
  • Alternatives (Is there someone out there that is better?)
  • Fear of Loss (Does your partner feel like you’ll stick around forever no matter what? Are you overly into them? Is your whole life about them?)
  • Scarcity (What is your unique selling proposition? What makes you different than everyone else?)
  • Investment (How much time, money, emotions have they invested?)
  • Urgency (Is there an urgent reason to commit?)

It’s best to think of each of these pillars as a cup that needs to be filled. If these “cups” are filled to the top then generally commitment is high. On the other hand, if the cups are low then commitment will be low.

I know it sounds like a ridiculous analogy but it really makes sense on all levels.

For example,

Let’s say;

  • The cup is filled on satisfaction
  • It’s high on alternatives
  • It’s high on fear of loss
  • It’s high on scarcity
  • And on investment as well

BUT it’s low on;

  • Urgency

Does that mean that your partner/crush/whatever isn’t willing to commit to you? The cup is only low in one area. Well, I’d still consider this to be a high commitment playing field. On the other hand let’s say your spread looks like this.

  • Low satisfaction
  • Low fear of loss
  • Low urgency
  • Low alternatives
  • Low Scarcity
  • High investment

Well, this is generally a recipe for disaster and could be the reason that your partner isn’t committing and instead pulling away.

Figure out where you are low and reverse engineer this process to fill your cup.

Once you do that then I’m betting you find things start to turn around.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Of course, almost everyone makes the same mistake when they see their partner pulling away.

What Mistake Do Most People Make?

They refuse to pull back.

They are driven by fear and so the more their partner/crush/whatever, goes cold the more they press trying to fix things.

This is especially prevalent within anxious attachment styles.

So, without going too deep into the weeds because I have covered this component countless times on this website.

The most common relationship pairing we see come through our doors is the,

Anxious/Avoidant one

Now if you aren’t too familiar with attachment styles I would highly encourage you to spend a few hours researching how they relate to relationships because I’ve found them revolutionary in explaining behavior in relationships.

But it’s best to think of attachment styles in terms of core wounds.

The Avoidant Core Wound = Fear that they will lose their independence if they get into a relationship

The Anxious Core Wound = Fear they will be abandoned by their partner

So, here’s what usually happens when these two enter into a relationship,

  • The anxious person grows close
  • The avoidant runs away
  • The anxious starts a fight
  • The avoidant avoids a solution
  • There’s a sort lived reconciliation
  • And then we start over again

But a smaller version of this cycle can actually play out even before a relationship takes place.

Usually it has the same beats but on a smaller level and usually there’s no “reconciliation” the avoidant simply just disappears.

But why?

Well, it’s the simply threat of closeness that causes them to get triggered. Remember, an avoidant doesn’t want to lose their independence and so sometimes in “filling up your cup” you can trigger their avoidant nature and cause them the run away.

But here’s where the tricky part begins.

What do you do when you feel them pulling away?

What Should You Do If You Feel Your Crush Pulling Away

Well, what most people do is they dig in and try to problem solve. This is especially true of anxious individuals.

In this interview I did with coach Tyler Ramsey, he mentions that he believes anxious attachment style individuals are great problem solvers,

Anxious Attachment Styles = Born Problem Solvers

Which is a great trait to have but to an avoidant it often makes them flee further and with this in mind it really leads us to our first solution.

When They Pull Back You Pull Back?

It’s a simple rule to live by but that’s its brilliance.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

For the sake of argument let’s assume your partner is a wild animal and really all you are trying to do is gain their trust.

You have two approaches.

  1. You can force it into submission (which just makes it even more rabid)
  2. You can employ patience, give it space and slowly inch closer until its ready.

So, when you notice anyone pulling away from you, you pull away from them.

Now, many of my clients have done just that but they make another mistake. They don’t do anything valuable with their time. They simply wait around until “the guy” or “the girl” contacts them. Agonizing in the moments that they don’t get contacted.

But answer me this.

If all you ever are is the person who obsesses about “finding the right person” what makes you stand out?

Find a life outside of your crush.

Give them ample time.


And once you have them warming up to you again that’s when you engage the,

Flirt/Friend Zone/ Flirt Method

What’s that?

I’m glad you asked.

The Flirt/Friend Zone/ Flirt Method

So, recently I filmed a video called “This is what happens when you DON’T chase an ex.”

And in the comments section I noticed this little comment,

Can I make a video on how to play hard to get the right way.

Well, I might do that in the future but technically this comment is quite relevant to what we’re about to discuss with the flirt/friend zone/flirt method.

When you are dealing with someone who is pulling away from you this sends out a signal that they are potentially unsure about getting into a relationship with you. That they are potentially getting triggered and avoiding that independence loss I just talked about.

So, one of the ways that you can avoid triggering this side is by reeling them in like a fish with a type of push/pull method.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So, let’s say you’ve got this person back on the hook and you have decided you want to try the flirt/friend zone/flirt method.

Well, you start by reeling them in with a little light flirting.

Refer to my hour long interview with coach Anna if you want to know the ins and outs of how to flirt the correct way,

But we know that since you are dealing with someone who is pulling away that the moment they start to feel “the pressure of a relationship” you are going to do something that makes them feel like they are in the friend zone.

Something that upends their worldview of how they think you think of them.

Perhaps my favorite story ever of this is that we once had a client invite her ex to help her move into a different apartment. He came, under the pretense, of thinking he was possibly going to get lucky but when he arrived he found that there was another guy there already helping her.

All of a sudden the narrative shifts from,

“Oh, she’s so into me.”


“Oh, is she into me?”

And then after friend zoning your person you pick up with the flirting again (refer to my interview with anna.)

It’s a lot like fishing.

The closer you reel this person in the less you will need to friend zone them until eventually they’ve built you up so much in their head that they are willing to take a chance on you. Willing to break through the avoidant barrier.

Yet perhaps the greatest irony is we find that when many of our clients master this method they don’t want the person that pulled away from them anymore.

I’ll leave that up to you.

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